"There he is!" exclaimed Tim Drake, as a familiar, bat-cowled face appeared on the screen in the Batcave. "I told you Skype worked in space!"
"Thank you, Babs, for tweaking the Waynetech satellites so it does," retorted Barbara Gordon, who sat in the chair in front of the computer and waved at the screen.
"How's the planet Krypton, Bruce?" asked Dick Grayson, who leaned on her chair.
"The planet Krypton was destroyed years ago," retorted Batman, in his usual grim, humorless tone. "I'm on the planet Kryptic."
"Is that where the Riddler's from?" asked Dick, with a grin.
Batman just looked at him. "Ok, I was kinda hoping your sense of humor might fluctuate on another planet, the way people's weight does," sighed Dick under his breath. "Never mind."
"How's Gotham?" asked Batman.
"We have it under control, Bruce, don't worry," said Barbara. "I'm constantly monitoring the city from the Clocktower, Alfred is stationed here in the Batcave, and Tim is out in the city with Dick doing the legwork."
"Except you're all in the Batcave talking to me now," retorted Batman. "Nothing going on out there on the streets at the moment? I find that hard to believe."
"Good to see you too, Bruce," sighed Dick. "C'mon, Tim, let's go. Remember there's rumors that someone's hitting the Second National Bank tonight."
"My guess is Two-Face," said Batman.
"And that's why you're the World's Greatest Detective, Bruce," said Dick, sarcastically, as he and Tim headed upstairs.
"I take it from your cheerful demeanor, sir, that negotiations are not going well?" asked Alfred.
"It's hard to tell," sighed Batman. "I don't speak their language, and they're not humanoid enough for me to be able to read body language. Clark and Diana are doing most of the work, as usual. I don't really know why they brought the rest of us along when we could probably do more good from home."
"Presumably to show a united front, sir," said Alfred. "And to provide a good impression of the human race to alien worlds."
"Yeah, Bruce certainly is great at making a good impression," agreed Barbara, in what Batman thought was sarcasm. "And acting as a representative of all humanity. God forbid aliens think we're all as grim and brooding as he is – they'll wonder how our race survives."
"Through sheer force of will, in Master Bruce's case," agreed Alfred.
"I'm glad you both think this is funny," snapped Batman. "If lives are lost in Gotham because I'm not there, lives I could have saved if I had been…"
"Bruce, Dick and Tim are taking care of it," interrupted Barbara. "They're not going to let people get hurt. You have to trust them."
"I do, I just…wish I was there," sighed Batman. "I wouldn't feel as powerless as I do. It's hell being cooped up in this satellite without knowing when this is going to be over."
"I get it," said Barbara, nodding. "Self-isolation is always hard…"
"No, I wish I was self-isolated," interrupted Batman. "But unfortunately I'm stuck here with company."
"Hey, Bruce, wanna play a game of hide and seek?" asked the Flash, appearing suddenly. "Or tag, maybe?"
"For the last time, I want to be left alone!" snapped Batman. "I thought you'd talked John and Shayera into playing!"
"Yeah, but they got bored because I always found 'em too quickly," said Flash, shrugging. "Hi, Bat family!" he said, waving at the screen.
"Just go entertain yourself!" snapped Batman, shoving him away. "Read a book or something!"
"But that only takes me like five minutes!" whined Flash. "I finished Crime and Punishment in an hour!"
"Well, read it again, and take notes!" snapped Batman.
"On what?" demanded Flash. "It's not actually a guide to crime and punishment, you know. Or have you not read it, and that's why you want me to take notes, so you can pretend you have and impress people at dinner parties?"
"I have read it – I'm interested in what drives someone to try and justify murder," growled Batman. "Although the more time I spend cooped up with certain people, the more I understand that."
"Truly, hell is other people," agreed Alfred, dryly, as he headed for the stairs.
…
"Looks like Two-Face, all right," whispered Tim, as they watched a bunch of goons dressed in pairs heading into the bank from across the street.
"Maybe," agreed Dick. "But not just Two-Face. See that stuff around the door?"
"You mean those potted plants?" asked Tim.
"Those aren't potted plants," retorted Dick. "They're Ivy's plants – see how they're moving around like they've got a mind of their own?"
"I thought she tried to kill Two-Face," said Tim. "Why would they wanna work together?"
"Oh, you're so young, Tim," sighed Dick. "For some people, attempted homicide can add just the right amount of spice to a relationship."
"You mean like Joker and Harley?" asked Tim.
"I guess – I try not to think about them too much so I can still sleep at night," retorted Dick. "Myself, I prefer relationships with people who aren't unhinged psychos."
"Then why are you still hanging around Bruce?" asked Tim with a grin.
"You're not funny, you know," muttered Dick, as they grappled over to the bank roof and peered through the glass ceiling. Tim managed to crack open a window just enough to hear what was going on inside.
"I'm never working a bank job with you again, Harvey," Poison Ivy announced, as she stood with her arms folded across her chest as Two-Face's henchmen divided the money into neat piles. "Why can't we just shove this all in a bag and run?"
"Because it needs to be balanced," growled Two-Face. "We need to make sure we've taken exactly half, and we can't do that unless we know how much money is in these vaults in the first place."
"This is just ridiculous," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "I'm not even sure getting half this take is worth it, since we're just sitting here waiting for the cops or the Bat to show up."
"Would you relax?" demanded Two-Face, rounding on her. "Batman is outta town, everyone knows that!"
"And his little helpers?" demanded Ivy.
"Are you afraid of children, Pam?" snapped Two-Face.
"No, but I have to hold back when I fight them, which is annoying," said Ivy. "Plus I can't use the lipstick on that Robin kid – he's underage, and it would just be all kinds of wrong."
"Yeah, no boy ever dreams of being kissed by an older woman," retorted Two-Face, sarcastically.
"I don't know what kind of person you think I am, but I am not a cougar, thank you!" snapped Ivy.
"Nope, that would be my girlfriend Catwoman," said a voice. Dick and Tim had just aimed their grappling hooks at the wall inside, but were halted by the voice, which seemed to be someone doing a bad imitation of Batman. "Or as I like to call her, Pussy Galore."
"That's…not the Bat," said Two-Face, looking around in confusion.
"It can't be – it sounds like someone doing a parody of him," said Ivy. "Plus Batman would never make a joke, especially not one as tasteless as that…"
"I'm the new, improved Batman," interrupted the voice. "Still with my trademark grim and brooding look, but now with an occasional quip."
"So…Nightwing?" asked Ivy.
"Or Robin," said Two-Face.
"I'm not Nightwing or Robin!" snapped the voice. "I'm Batman!"
"You're definitely not," said Two-Face, firmly. "And what kinda sick freak would want to pretend to be Batman?"
"I'll show you what kinda sick freak!" snapped the voice, as a figure stepped out of the shadows.
"I should have known – Joker," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes.
"No, I'm Batman," snapped Joker. "And you two miscreants are going to stop what you're doing right now and go back to Arkham where you belong!"
"J, if this is a joke, it isn't funny," retorted Two-Face.
"It is a joke – a fantastic joke," replied Joker. "Batsy's gonna come back to a city free of crime when I accomplish what he never could – bringing order to Gotham City. People are gonna be too afraid to commit crimes when they find out who's subbing for the big guy, and how I'm not afraid of killing punks he would just eat for breakfast, whatever that means. Anyway, for now I'm going easy on my fellow Rogues, for old time's sake, but if you don't cease and desist right now and come with me to Arkham, then I'll make you."
"I'd like to see you try," retorted Ivy. "I'm not afraid of Batman, and I'm not afraid of you! I've kicked both your asses more times than I can count, so bring it!"
"Woah, ok, everyone calm down," said Nightwing, swinging down from the roof with Robin following him. "Joker, I appreciate the thought, but we're in charge of things while Batman is away, so you're going back to Arkham with them."
"The hell I am!" snapped Joker, rounding on him. "You two children can go home right now - it's past your bedtime!"
"I will not be called a child by a man currently wearing a Batman Halloween costume," retorted Nightwing. "I take care of crime in Blüdhaven every night, so I can definitely take care of crime here…"
"Blüdhaven's full of reject supervillains who couldn't make it in Gotham!" interrupted Joker. "A child could certainly handle the likes of the Condiment King, and it's rumored that's where he's gone! But this is my city, and I'll take care of it, so just get back to fake Gotham and leave the protection of this city to the grown-ups!"
"Joker, I'm not asking!" snapped Nightwing.
"Neither am I!" snapped Joker. "I've already talked too much for the Silent Knight, so I'll just get to Batmaning. I'm Batman," he added, reaching into his utility belt and throwing down a smoke bomb.
"I guess we should be grateful…it's not laughing gas!" gasped Robin, as he choked and coughed, trying to see through the smoke.
"Yeah, thank God for small mercies," muttered Nightwing, as he grappled out of the smoke cloud, looking around for Joker. "It is pretty similar to Batman's bombs though…"
He was cut off by something slicing through the rope on his grappling hook, and he fell to the ground with a thud. Closely followed by the remains of the rope, and a Batarang.
"This is Batman's stuff!" Nightwing exclaimed, hissing in pain as he picked it up. "Did you break into the Batcave?!"
"No, I just hoard the stuff he leaves behind after our fights," retorted Joker's voice. "I got enough of an armory now to have my own personal Batcave in the garage. I mean…I'm not speaking, because I never talk while I'm fighting, because I'm Batman."
"I mean, it's not a horrible impression," said Robin, as he raced over to help Nightwing up.
"Yeah, it is," retorted Nightwing. "He's like a terrible tribute band, or that Elvis impersonator I saw with Babs in Vegas."
"Enough of this nonsense!" shouted Ivy, raising her hands. Her plants came rushing to her side, and then straight toward Joker.
Everyone was suddenly distracted by a loud crash through the wall, and then a blaze of light, a screeching, and a solid thud. Ivy's plants instantly dropped to the ground, and Nightwing and Robin rubbed their eyes to see her lying at the foot of the Batmobile.
"Oh my God, Pam!" shouted Two-Face, racing over to her.
"It's fine – she's not dead," said Joker, who was pressing a few buttons on his gauntlet. "I set it for stun, which is a feature Batsy has apparently installed, and a good thing too after he put me in that coma a few years back."
"How the hell are you controlling the Batmobile?!" shouted Nightwing.
"My son's a tech genius," said Joker, not looking up at him. "I asked if he could hack something for me as a kind of game. I mean, he's only six, but he's gonna have a great future in computers. See, that's the difference between me and Bats – I have useful children I can be proud of instead of you wastes of skin."
"You son of a…" began Robin, launching himself toward Joker…but he was instantly neutralized by a rubber bullet shooting from the Batmobile and colliding with his skull.
"I'd prefer live rounds myself, but there's time to make improvements on the car later, of course," Joker continued. "Probably should have tested its capabilities before tonight, but I'm still an improvisor at heart, what can I say? That's for the bad language, kid," he said, addressing the unconscious Robin at his feet. "Anyone else want to come at me?" he asked the room at large. "Or are you all a cowardly, superstitious lot as I know criminals to be?"
"Let's get outta here!" shouted one of the henchmen, and the others all followed suit.
"Harv, c'mon," said Joker, approaching Two-Face with Batcuffs. "Pammie can get medical attention at Arkham…"
"Screw you!" shouted Two-Face, rounding on him with his gun drawn.
"Oh Harvey, you know how I hate guns," sighed Joker. "Because I'm Batman. But go ahead, take your best shot…"
He was cut off by Two-Face firing two rounds into his chest. "Hey, you shot me!" Joker exclaimed, glaring at him. "That really hurt, you jerk!" he shouted, reaching into his utility belt and pulling out a rubber chicken, which he swung across Two-Face's faces. Unfortunately for Two-Face, the rubber chicken had a brick inside, and he fell to the ground, unconscious.
"I guess they'll both need medical attention at Arkham," muttered Joker under his breath. "But at least they'll be together in the ICU. And I'm glad I brought a few toys of my own to make up for Batsy's lack of ways to seriously injure people. Shooting me, honestly, so rude," he sighed, opening the door to the Batmobile and dragging the unconscious supercriminals inside. "Good thing he aimed for the Bat symbol, where my armor's the strongest."
"Joker…" began Nightwing.
"Batman!" snapped Joker, popping his head out of the Batmobile.
"Uh…Batman," corrected Nightwing. "You're really serious about…taking care of crime, huh?"
"Yep, leave it to me, kiddo," said Joker, climbing into the driver's seat and lowering the top of the Batmobile. "I'll have this city free of crime in no time. You take the kid back to base and get him looked after, and then stay off the streets. Let Uncle J handle this. Or rather, not Uncle J, but Batman."
He slammed his foot on the accelerator, heading off into the streets. "Ow, I feel like I was hit with a brick," muttered Robin, who climbed drowsily to his feet.
"No, that was Two-Face," said Nightwing. "Joker's taking him and Ivy back to Arkham, apparently."
"You don't think it's a trick?" asked Robin.
"The Batmobile's tracker says they're heading that way," said Nightwing, checking something on his gauntlet. "And I mean, from Joker's point of view, this really is a pretty good gag. I think he's serious about cleaning up the city."
"So what do we do?" asked Robin.
Nightwing shrugged. "Nothing, for now. We watch him, and make sure he doesn't kill anyone, but if he wants to take a load of crime-fighting work off my hands, I'm not gonna stop him."
"We should probably tell Bruce though, huh?" asked Robin.
Nightwing was silent. "Maybe not yet," he said at last. "The last thing we want is Bruce having an aneurysm in space."