"Bruce, we've got something to tell you, but you need to be sitting down for it," said Dick Grayson to the figure on the screen in the Batcave.
"What is it?" asked Batman.
"Are you sitting down?" asked Dick.
"You really should be sitting down, sir," agreed Alfred.
"Oh my God, what is it?" demanded Batman. "Who's died?"
"Nobody's died," said Dick. "Not yet anyway, but I'm not sure how much longer he'll hold back…"
"Who?" demanded Batman.
"Joker," said Dick. "See, he…he's got it into his head to…uh…to…help me out here, guys," he said, looking around the cave at Tim, Barbara, and Alfred.
"Nope, you drew the short straw, so you're telling him," said Barbara.
"Tell me now!" snapped Batman. "Tell me what sort of ridiculous idea of a joke that maniac is playing now!"
"Well, he's playing…you," stammered Dick.
Batman stared at him. "What?" he asked.
"He's playing at being Batman," said Dick. "He's got your costume on and he's going around stopping crime. Really successfully, actually – Tim and I have been basically superfluous. We've been monitoring him to make sure he hasn't killed anyone, but so far he appears to be mostly following your methods. A little more extremely, I think, but Tim says his execution is mostly on point, so maybe you've escalated the violence since I worked closely with you…"
"He's…pretending to be me?" repeated Batman, incredulous. "And he's…stopping crime?"
"Yeah, and actually since the criminal underworld started passing around the gossip that it's Joker who's the new Batman, the crime rate has dropped dramatically," said Dick. "Like noticeably fallen. It's kinda funny when you think about it…"
"It's not funny!" roared Batman. "My work and my reputation are not a joke! Don't you realize how damaging this is?! What if people think I've endorsed that lunatic, that I've given him permission to do this?! What if people think we're in this together, and our whole rivalry is just some giant conspiracy?! What if people start thinking that there's no difference between me and the criminals I fight, as if I'm just like one of them?! You and Tim have to put an end to this right now, Dick! Make him stop and take him back to Arkham where he belongs!"
"We did try, Bruce, but he's using our weapons against us," said Tim. "He's got a collection of all your stuff…"
"That's even more damaging!" exclaimed Batman. "Then it really looks like I'm supporting him in this!"
"And he kinda knows how to counter us by knowing what we'll do before we do it," added Dick. "He's really studied you, Bruce, and he knows how you think, and us, by extension."
"Well, I know how he thinks!" retorted Batman. "I'm coming back to Gotham right now to stop this, since you can't seem to do that! I knew leaving was a bad idea, I knew I was the only one who could handle this city…"
"You and Joker, apparently," agreed Dick.
"Shut up!" snapped Batman. "He's not handling anything! He's only doing this to discredit me, because he thinks that's some sort of hilarious joke! Well, I don't see anyone laughing at it!"
"Laughing at what?" asked Flash, appearing on screen again suddenly.
"I've told you not to sneak up on me like that!" snapped Batman. "This is a private conversation!"
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but Clark and Diana sent me to get you," said Flash. "They want us all down on the planet…"
"Tell them I'm going back to Gotham right now!" interrupted Batman. "I'm taking the hyperspace shuttle – it's an emergency!"
"They're not gonna like it…" began Flash.
"I don't like being dragged into space for weeks on end, so now we're even!" interrupted Batman.
"But what am I gonna tell them?" asked Flash.
"Tell them I have better things to do than hang around on a satellite in the middle of nowhere waiting to present myself to aliens who can't understand a single word I'm saying!" shouted Batman. "I'm Batman, for God's sake!"
The call ended abruptly. "I still think Joker's impersonation isn't terrible," commented Tim. "He's got the 'I'm Batman' right at least."
"I'm just glad we didn't tell him about the Batmobile, and how Joker got away in it," said Dick. "It'd remind him too much of a certain Christmas song..."
…
"I think teenagers are able to finish more than a fifth of a bottle of vodka," commented Emilia, who looked glumly at the open container in the backseat.
"Yes, but sadly I think our tastes have matured," sighed Crane. "It's disgusting stuff, especially when you're just drinking it straight."
"Maybe this whole experiment was a bad idea," sighed Emilia. "Maybe we're too mature in general for it. You can never go back, after all – maybe we should just accept we missed out on that fundamental part of our lives for good."
"Now there's no need to be defeatist, my dear," said Crane. "After all, I enjoyed making out a lot. It's the only time in my life I'm ever going to be able to say I rounded all the bases for a home run."
She smiled, kissing him. "Your makeup's run though," she commented. "I'll need to reapply it…"
"Let's not," interrupted Crane. "Let's just continue on. What's next on the agenda?"
"Graffiti a public space," read Emilia.
"We'd better check to make sure there are no rodents, imposter or otherwise, around before we try that," said Crane, tentatively opening the car door and studying the alley in which they were parked.
"Jonathan, surely Joker has better things to do with his time than monitor us," said Emilia.
"One would think," agreed Crane. "Especially with all the actual crime in this town. But you never know with Joker – he seems to find it particularly amusing to torment us. But I'm not going to let him spoil our weekend – hand me the spray-paint," he said, holding out his hand.
"What are you going to write?" asked Emilia, obeying.
"I have no idea," said Crane. "What does one usually write?" he asked, looking at the graffiti that already coated the surrounding walls of the alley.
"Apparently people's names," said Emilia. "And how they either rock or suck. Here's one with the Bat symbol crossed out," she said, pointing.
"Maybe I could draw something instead," agreed Crane. "Make some sort of visual signature, or symbol."
"I didn't know you could draw, my darling," said Emilia.
"I can't, really," said Crane. "But if these street punks can, how hard can it be? I'm a highly educated man, after all."
He sprayed something on the wall. "What's that meant to be?" asked Emilia.
"It was an attempt at a bat," said Crane. "I'm going to draw Batman's symbol upside down, and then add some eyes on top, to mimic my mask. Sort of symbolizing that the Scarecrow will be the downfall of the Bat, that kind of thing."
"You really think people are going to read that into it?" asked Emilia, skeptically. "Especially when that doesn't look much like a bat, or your mask."
"Would you like to try it, my dear?" asked Crane.
"No, not really," said Emilia. "I'm a writer, so I'm writing – you should too."
"What are you writing?" he asked.
"I love my God of Fear," replied Emilia, spraying something onto the wall. "I think it's injecting some much needed positivity onto this otherwise dark and depressing canvas."
Crane kissed her. "I might draw a heart instead of writing 'love' though," said Emilia. "Sort of a compromise. I think I can manage a heart."
"I must say, I don't see the appeal of this," commented Crane, as he continued his work. "If I wanted to draw a picture or write something, I could do that very easily in the comfort of my own home. Why would you feel the need to go out and vandalize public property instead, especially when you might get arrested for doing it?"
"Teenagers are not entirely sensible – that's sort of the point," retorted Emilia. "But I suppose they believe that they're making their mark on society by literally putting their mark out in public. Or they're showing that they have no respect for society by ruining public spaces. It's certainly an interesting psychological phenomenon – you'd think you'd appreciate that."
"Well, it's not doing anything for me," sighed Crane. "Except frustrating me at my lack of artistic skills."
"I told you, I think we're too mature to find any of this fun," sighed Emilia. "I think to have to be thrilled by it, you still have to have a teenage brain. We've developed beyond that, unfortunately, so I doubt any of this will be particularly edifying for us. This whole weekend was a mistake."
"Now my darling, a mistake is something you regret," said Crane, embracing her. "I don't regret anything about a weekend alone with you. Time we spend together could never be considered a mistake."
She beamed, kissing him tenderly. "But you did make a mistake," said a voice above them. "A big one. Crime is always a mistake."
"Oh for God's sake, Joker…" began Crane, as the man in the bat costume landed in the alley beside them.
"Batman!" shouted Joker. "And don't get smart with me, pal! You're the one vandalizing public property!"
"I have done nothing of the kind," retorted Crane.
"You've got red spray-paint all over your hand – you're literally caught red-handed," retorted Joker. "Vandalism is a crime, you know! And do I smell liquor on your breath?"
"I'm old enough to drink alcohol if I want to!" snapped Crane.
"Yeah, but that's an open container in a vehicle," said Joker, dragging him over to the car. "That's against the law. So that's two crimes you've committed, which is a big, big mistake."
"You've committed thousands of crimes!" shouted Crane. "So you can stop this hypocritical policing right now! You're not Batman – you're the Joker! And just because you want to play at being Batman doesn't give you the right to pretend that you're better than me, or to judge and discipline me! Hell, Batman doesn't even have that right!"
"No, he doesn't," agreed Joker. "But he does it anyway. And so do I. Not that it seems to do much good – as you say, he's never stopped any of us from committing crimes for good. Because the only way to do that is to kill us, and he won't do that. But I will," he added, dragging Crane up by his collar.
"You're going to kill me for graffiti and alcohol?" demanded Crane. "The punishment is completely out of proportion to the crime! Does that seem like justice to you?"
"Well, funny thing about justice is I'm not really sure what it means," said Joker, shrugging. "And neither is Bats. He just guesses and judges what he thinks might be fair, and I suspect he kinda makes it up as he goes along. I mean, you could say justice is blind, so it's all about treating everyone equally, no matter what crimes they commit. If they commit a crime, they're criminals, and the only way you stop criminals is to stop them permanently. Who's to say petty vandalism and alcohol won't lead to bigger things in the future? I mean, they already have in your case. If you want to end crime, you have to stop it before it starts getting serious, and cut it out at the root. Bats knows that, but he's too cowardly to do what he knows he has to do. But I'm not. And if I want this city nice and crime-free for when he's back, and I do, because it's a great joke, I gotta start bumping people off now. Nothing personal, I promise," he added, pulling out his gun. "And in a way, won't death be the best rebellion of all?"
"Joker, you can't be serious…" began Emilia.
"I'm always serious – I'm Batman," retorted Joker.
Neither Crane nor Emilia had any idea how to react, but fortunately, they didn't have to. A Batarang hissed through the air, colliding with Joker's hand and making him drop the gun.
"You're not Batman," growled a familiar voice.
"Oh, thank God!" exclaimed Crane, as the real Batman landed in front of them, glaring at Joker. "And I never thought I'd say that when confronted with Batman."
"Bats," said Joker, surprised. "When did you…get back?"
"Just now," retorted Batman. "Robin and Nightwing told me what you were doing, and I knew I had to come back here ASAP before you could ruin everything I've worked so hard to achieve. You don't get to desecrate the name of Batman like that."
"Oh right, it's so holy," retorted Joker, sarcastically. "Listen, buddy, I've done your job all weekend, and there's nothing heroic about it. It's just a colossal headache broken by sweet moments of getting to beat the crap outta people. But frankly, that reward ain't worth the headache. Maybe you like to live in a delusion that you're somehow helping to save the world, but I think it's hard to keep deluding yourself like this."
"You think I'm the deluded one of the two of us?" demanded Batman.
"Well, yeah," said Joker, shrugging. "You believe in these pathetic notions of order and sanity, and they just don't work in reality. Because life is chaotic and random and violent. We're only ever a disastrous event away from complete societal collapse, say a pandemic, in order to be topical. Stay inside, kiddies," he added, to no one in particular. "The world in its most natural state is chaos, so why try to beat nature?" he continued, turning back to Batman. "You can't overcome human nature, and that's the desire to rebel. That's why these losers have spent this weekend trying to recreate that rebellion – because humanity in its natural state rejects order. You can't fight against that forever, and it's delusional to think you can."
Batman said nothing, except to press something on his gauntlet. "You're coming back to Arkham with me," he muttered.
They were all abruptly blinded by headlights as the Batmobile screeched into the alley. "The hell I am!" retorted Joker, raising his gauntlet and pressing a button. The Batmobile screeched off into the street.
"You need to stop controlling my car right now!" growled Batman, pressing his gauntlet again and making the car reappear.
"You need to make me!" snapped Joker, making the car disappear.
Batman struck him across the face, and the two began exchanging punches. Batman reached for the grappling hook in his belt at the same time Joker did, and they both shot ropes around each other. "We should probably be filming this," commented Emilia, watching as they struggled to free themselves and continued the fight. "That would be a very teenage thing to do, and it would probably go viral – Batman vs. Batman."
"I know which Batman I'm hoping wins," muttered Crane.
He was pleased when his hopes were vindicated – Batman managed to subdue Joker and handcuffed him on the hood of the Batmobile, after removing his gauntlet.
"Hey, guys, little help here!" shouted Joker, glaring at Crane and Emilia.
"You tried to kill me for graffiti and alcohol," muttered Crane, glaring back at him with his arms folded across his chest. "You don't deserve help."
"He'll be dragging you back to Arkham too!" snapped Joker. "Those are crimes, you know!"
"I have bigger crimes to handle right now," muttered Batman. "Like Batman imposters."
"Well, I am very big," agreed Joker, as Batman hauled him to his feet. "And you are handling me very well. Ow!" he exclaimed, as Batman knocked his head against the roof of the car before shoving him inside. Batman suddenly felt something embed itself in his neck. He looked down to see that it was a dart with a smiley face on it.
"Nighty night, Bats," said a voice, and everyone turned to see Harley Quinn leaning against the fire escape, a dart gun in her hand.
Batman slumped to the ground as Joker beamed up at her. "Thanks for the rescue, toots," he said. "But I had it under control."
"You're meant to be watching the children!" exclaimed Crane, as Harley hopped down from the balcony.
"Relax, Johnny, I left 'em with Jervis," said Harley, heading over to uncuff Joker. "After swearing on puddin's life that I'd only be gone for ten minutes, and that my kids would be playing outside with the hyenas the entire time. That's a good look for you, by the way," she added, grinning at him. "I like an unnaturally pale guy. Puddin', no!" she snapped, seeing Joker creeping toward the unconscious Batman. "Leave him alone!"
"But pooh, this is the perfect opportunity to play a fun gag on him!" exclaimed Joker. "Or even kill him! Wouldn't that be a great joke – Batman kills Batman!"
"No, it wouldn't," replied Harley, firmly. "And I'm gonna have to make it my life's mission to protect Batman now, because if he ever disappears for good, you might try subbing for him again, and I ain't letting that happen." She grabbed Batman under the arms and hauled him into the Batmobile, pressing the Home button. "He's gonna go back to the Batcave and sleep this drug off, and then wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go back to work," she continued, as the Batmobile screeched off into the streets. "If Gotham doesn't need him, I sure as hell do, to keep my puddin' acting like himself."
"Take all the fun outta life," sighed Joker, glumly.
"Speaking of fun, how's the rebelling going, Johnny?" asked Harley, turning to him.
"Largely unsuccessfully, thanks to your paramour," retorted Crane.
"And even without Joker's interference, I'm not sure it's something that really suits us," agreed Emilia. "The things we have managed to get away with haven't been a huge amount of fun so far. We're worried we might be too mature for it."
"Yeah, well, you guys ain't teenagers, after all – you're parents," said Harley. "And you can't be both. I mean, technically you can, but mentally, you can't. We all gotta grow up when we have kids because we take on a huge responsibility. Present company excepted, of course," she added, nodding at Joker.
"I've been crazy responsible this whole weekend…" began Joker.
"You've been crazy annoying this whole weekend!" snapped Harley, rounding on him. "I don't want to have to deal with living with Batman ever again! He's just the worst, and if I had to be in a relationship with him long term, I'd kill myself! I dunno how Selina does it and remains sane, but I guess she ain't technically! Get this through your thick skull, clown - the only thing I want you to be responsible for is being a good Daddy to the kiddies and me! Think you can do that, pal?!" she demanded, ripping off his mask.
"I do, pooh," said Joker, nodding. "I'm Joker, after all," he added, grinning.
"And there's no one else I ever want you to be," said Harley, kissing him. Then she slammed her hammer across his face. "That's for the Bat-sex."
"I guess I deserved that," agreed Joker. "Believe me, it wasn't my preferred way, but when I commit to a role, I really commit."
"Don't I know it," sighed Harley. "So please stay committed to the Joker role in future."
"You got it, sweets," said Joker, kissing her. "Come on, let's go home to the kiddies. I bet they've been missing me. That's the downside of hero work – no family time. Explains why that Robin kid is such a mess, I guess."
"We'll see you tomorrow, Johnny and Emilia, enjoy the rest of your weekend!" said Harley, waving at them as she and Joker strolled out of the alley.
"Oh, what's the point?" sighed Crane, as they were left alone. "We should just go home and go to bed. We should forget all about this stupid rebellion and heed the wisdom in the words of Shakespeare: 'To thine own self be true.'"
"Of course that is a quote by Polonius, who's generally a fool," reminded Emilia. "I hate it when people quote literature out of context – it robs it of all meaning."
"I stand corrected," said Crane. "But I do think there is wisdom in that statement. We should be who we are, and not try to be anyone else. After all, I love who you are," he added, kissing her.
"And I you," she replied, smiling at him. "Let's go home and try and figure out how to use that marijuana – we should end the weekend with a bang rather than a whimper, and hopefully that will do it."
"Yes, maybe that will prevent the weekend from turning into a total loss," agreed Crane. "After all, mind-altering substances should help in getting us into the teenage frame of mind."
His hopes were once again going to be disappointed.