"All right, I think we're ready to go," said Crane, eyeing the joint he had managed to roll after many failed attempts. The table around him was strewn with discarded leaves and paper. "I think that'll hold at last."
"I knew licking the paper would help," said Emilia. "Though if we ever try this again, we should see if we can get these pre-rolled to save on inconvenience."
"Agreed," said Crane. "So…do you want to go first?"
"No, you should," she said. "You successfully rolled it, after all."
"All right, hand me the lighter," he said. Emilia obeyed and he lit the end of the joint, putting it to his lips and inhaling.
He immediately began coughing uncontrollably. "Good God, that's awful!" he gasped.
"I don't think you're meant to snort it like that, just gently breathe it in," said Emilia, taking it from him and putting it to her lips. She breathed out slowly.
"Well, how is it?" Crane asked, taking it back from her and mimicking her actions.
"I don't know – nothing seems to be happening yet," she said. "How do you think we'll know if it works? Will we start hallucinating?"
"I don't think it's that kind of drug, my dear," he replied. "I think it's just meant to relax and expand your mind."
"I'm not sure how we're going to distinguish drug-influenced deep thoughts from our normally deep thoughts," retorted Emilia.
"Presumably they'll be less coherent," replied Crane. "I think we're also meant to get bizarre cravings, known as the 'munchies' stage, I believe."
"Bizarre cravings like what?" asked Emilia. "Like for Brussels sprouts or something?"
"I think bizarre combinations, like Brussels sprouts and chocolate," said Crane.
"That doesn't sound too terrible, actually," said Emilia, taking another drag. "Maybe this really is working. I don't feel more relaxed, though."
"And I'm not particularly craving anything," said Crane. "We'll give it some time, I suppose."
"It does smell strongly," said Emilia. "And vaguely familiar."
"You've probably smelled people smoking it before," said Crane. "I know I must have, working at a university, and I suspect the university library where you worked must have been quite a popular place for delinquents to smoke. God knows they wouldn't expand their minds by reading books."
The phone rang at that moment. "Should we talk to people while we're high?" asked Emilia. "Or do we risk saying something stupid?"
"It's a risk I'm willing to take," retorted Crane. "Saying something stupid might be a nice change for me. Hello?" he said, picking up the phone.
"Johnny? It's Harley. I just wanted to let you know that the kiddos are all safe and sound and tucked up in bed – Mr. J told 'em the story about how he beat up Batman tonight, and they were out like a light when he was done."
"But he didn't beat up Batman," said Crane. "I was there. Batman had him dead to rights until you came along to save him."
"A story doesn't have to be true to be enjoyable!" shouted Joker's voice. "As long as it's entertaining!"
"Considering the children are asleep now, it couldn't have been too entertaining," retorted Crane.
"The drug hasn't dulled your razor wit, my darling," said Emilia, kissing his cheek.
"Drug?" repeated Harley. "Are you guys doing drugs right now? Did you manage to find some marijuana in the end?"
"Yes, we did, and yes, we are," said Crane. "Although Emilia and I are both thinking it's not having much of an effect on us. I certainly don't understand the obsession with it – I can't say my perception of reality is altered in any way."
"You might have got ahold of a dud batch," said Joker, grabbing the phone away from Harley. "Or it's diluted with something. I mean, whoever sold it to you probably knew you'd have no idea if you'd been swindled."
"They wouldn't dare swindle the Scarecrow," retorted Crane.
"Yeah, I think you vastly overestimate your fear factor, Craney," retorted Joker. "Besides, were you even in costume when you bought it? Maybe whoever sold it to you didn't know you were the Scarecrow and thought you just looked like a sucker."
"Well…I wasn't in costume," agreed Crane, slowly. "But I know what marijuana looks like, and this looks like it…"
"Send me a picture," interrupted Joker.
"I have no idea how to do that!" retorted Crane.
"I'll do it, Jonathan," said Emilia, taking out her phone and photographing the plant remains on the table. A moment later, Crane heard Joker's hysterical laughter over the phone.
"What?" Crane demanded. "What's so funny?"
"That ain't marijuana, Craney!" giggled Joker.
"Then what is it?" demanded Crane.
"It's mint leaves," said Emilia, who was scrolling on her phone. "That's what the smell reminded me of – toothpaste. I knew it was familiar."
"It won't get you high, but it will leave your breath minty fresh!" chuckled Joker. "Oh God, not only did you fail at everything you tried this weekend, but you failed to even get your hands on weed and got suckered into buying mint instead! That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time!"
Joker continued to laugh hysterically, and Crane's anger grew as he hung up the phone abruptly, and stamped out the joint. "Well, that does explain why it seemed so difficult to roll…" began Emilia.
"I'm going back there right now to fear gas that shopkeeper!" snapped Crane. "But not before I demand that he sell me some real marijuana…"
"No, Jonathan, let's just leave it," sighed Emilia. "We were right earlier – we're clearly no good at this rebellion thing, so let's just accept it and move on with our lives as responsible adults. You can never go back – we've learned that lesson if nothing else."
"I've also learned that I loathe eyeliner," agreed Crane. "But I suspected that before – I just had no opportunity to experience it."
"Yes, I'm glad I could see you as my little gloomy goth at least," said Emilia, smiling at him. "Now let's go to bed. We can still end this weekend on a high note by acting like horny teenagers."
"I suppose that's one aspect of our lives that hasn't matured," agreed Crane, picking her up in his arms and carrying her toward the stairs. "I assume the fact that we had delayed sex lives makes that desire stronger than ever now."
"Maybe Harley was right in that it's the one form of rebellion I'm actually good at," agreed Emilia, kissing him tenderly. "I'm madly in love with my supercriminal husband, and in a world of broken hearts and hookups, what could be more rebellious than that?"
"I couldn't agree more, my dear," said Crane, shutting the door to their bedroom.