"Mike, you're sick. Please go to the doctor," Logan begged, standing over Mike who was working the office in their condo.
"Logan, I'm fine," Mike replied as he squinted at the files he was finishing up for Harvey.
"Oh really? Then explain to me why I found you passed out on the floor in here two hours ago."
"I'm just tired; Harvey keeps giving me these cases. And the only reason I'm doing it is so that he'll forgive me."
"Forgive what?. That you choose your own sister over him?"
Logan tightened his lips sadly. Mike's voice sounded horrible and heat was literally radiating off of him. Logan was terrified he was going to work himself to death. Logan crossed his arms and sighed. "Mike…I think Harvey is taking advantage of you. It's been almost two weeks and you're working night and day to get his approval but…don't you think it's weird he hasn't warmed up to you yet?"
"Logan, it's gonna take time for him to forgive me."
"Time that you're not gonna have if you work yourself to your grave. He obviously doesn't see how sick you are!"
"It'll be alright. He said soon."
Logan grumbled. "Mike-"
"Logn, I love you, but just go to your office. I'll see you in a while."
Tears welled in the man's eyes before he gave up, kissed him on the head and then left. Logan knew that it was not all about Harvey but for Bastiana.
Six day, the siblings had shunned Bastiana for six long days. During that time none of the family did everything they could to avoid Bastiana.
Bastiana had always been the one to bring life to the family, everyone had always been in agreement with that (although some only begrudgingly admitted this). Everything involving the family seemed to quiet down, it was a bit unsettling to all of them.
Neal was the most affected by this change.
Although Neal had indeed found a new rock in Mike, he was no Bastiana. Mike could never make Neal come out of his shell and make him expressed himself like Bastiana could. Even Dana couldn't be there for him like Bastiana could. Nobody understood Neal like Bastiana did. Before all he had to do was make a gesture and Bastiana understood exactly what was wrong with him, it was nice. Now, he had to make long drawn out speeches about the slightest things because Bastiana usually was like his own personal mind reader and saved him the trouble of making a fool out of himself.
Neal missed his dear twin.
"Logan."
"LOGAN."
Said the young shook his when he realized his two sisters in law were standing right in front of him. He jumped looking astounded that he didn't hear them coming his way.
Dana and Lola stood in front of him with folded arms and the same blank expression they had been shooting the rest of the family lately.
"What?"He growled.
Said they raised an eyebrow at him. "We need to talk."
"About what?"
"About our husbands"Lola said while examining her nails,"I spoke with Michael and Sonny is driving him crazy behaving like a child."
"All of the behave like a child."Dana said with a superior smirk.
"But she was right!"
"What?"Dana she asked, shooting Logan a questioning look.
Lola's eyes shot open again and she stared at Logan. "Come again?"
Logan gave a sigh, as though talking about it exhausted him." She was there fo us every time we needed help but when Bastiana needed us..."
"Bastiana Wolf needs no one"Dana muttered darkly.
Lola walks to the sofa and she drew her legs up against her chest, resting her chin on her knees."She was freaking scared."
Logan reply was uncomfortably blunt. Indeed"
"She slapped me"Dana said firmly and he paused. The look on her face was chilling."She fucking hit me"
"You came between her and a sibling." he protested, but he could see that even that wouldn't stop her. He held up his hands defensively.
"The Ross's family is a curse"
Logan and Dana looked over at Lola and their eyes locked on the photo she waved in front of them between two she spoke again, her voice was filled with such longing, he nearly felt sorry for her. "We need to fix it."
Logan grabbed the photo back from her and put it near to TV. "We can't."
"There's always a way," Dana insisted.
"There's always a way, there's always a way," he mimicked in a nasty, feminine tone. "Please. Be realistic."
"We gonna leave them alone."Logan asked no one in particular.
From the other side of New York, Michael Dodds-Carisi took a few steps towards the bed, he saw the solemn and still body of his husband.
"Are you awake?" Having heard no response, but noticing the way his body tensed at her question. Dodds approached the bed slowly and carefully as he got to his side of the bed and placed a careful hand upon his shoulder.
"She's gone..." Mike smile fell at his words, and he quickly placed a hand upon his shoulder.
"Don't think about that Sonnh. She'll come back." Mike exclaimed gingerly. "You'll see! You and he will be driving each other nuts before you know it!"
"She's gone and it's all our fault." Dodds breath caught up in his chest as he heard Sonny voice tremble at the end.
"Sonny, please don't do this to yourself..."
"Do what?" Dodds yelped as he shot himself upward and started to glare at him. "Beat myself for striking against own sister? All because I didn't want to listen to her?" Dodds saw how his eyes lost their flame as grief and self-hate once more conquered his soul.
"I realized my mistake too late... I had to watch as my sister, as my protector get on her car and galloped away from her home. Driven away by my pride and insecurities."
"Gods Mike!" He spat out in desperation as he grasped his hairs in anger. "How could you even stand to be in the same room as me? I don't deserve any kindness!" This was enough. Michael could not allow her husband to wallow in self-pity any longer. He was a Ross; and Dominic Ross never gave up on anything. And he would not allow him to give up on Bastiana.
"Now you stop this Dominic Carisi-Dodds! You stop this right now!" At his harsh tone and intense glare, Sonny could only look at him with wide eyes, stunned at the fact that he rarely raised his voice.
"Yes, all of you made a mistake. A colossal one." Dodds continued. "But you will have the chance to redeem yourself to him in the future, for I know that you two will find your way to each other once again." With a nod, Dodds let go of his shoulder and placed his hands in front of him. Both of them fell into a solemn silence as the two let their thoughts come together.
North to New York, Neal lay on his bed with his face in his pillow. Physically and emotionally he was completely drained. The man didn't hear the door to his room open nor did he hear someone walk into the room.
"Neal." His name was barely spoken above whisper. When he didn't respond, the person became nervous and touched him shoulder. Quickly, thean rolled over to find a kind beautiful face smiling at him.
"Elizabeth."Neal made a weak smile. Slowly he sat up. The Agent's wife wrapped hiz up in a big hug that made him feel all tingly.
"Neal, I want to help you. I know what has happened doesn't seem fair and it doesn't seem right but if you talk about it, it helps." She said as they came apart. The con man gave him a look. His red puffy eyes and pale skin made him seem like he was someone else. This wasn't the happy, spunky man from last month how had dine with her and Peter along with Dama. This was a little boy who was in pain.
"It was my fault." He told her. Those words struck a chord, they were familiar.
"No, it's not your fault. Don't ever think that." She said. Neal looked away from the man. Gently, she placed her fingers on his chin and pulled hia face to look at her.
"Please tell me everything. ." Her smile made his want to tell her everything but something was holding him back. Something made him think that Elizabeth wouldn't want to be him friend anymore.
"We gotten a text by Bastiana for a family meeting and we thought that was about the Pink Panthers. Bastiana had walk into the office smelling danger and fire, we talk about Pink Panthers and lies and then we started shouting at each other.."Neal stopped. A long silence followed as he tried to keep from crying. Elizabeth wrapped her arms around him shoulders and gave him a reassuring squeeze."We started talking about we needed our sister back , Bastiana Wolf is our sister not that robot with her face."
"Bastiana screamed at us saying that we don't love pr care for her...I looked at her eyes and I said that I hate her." Tears started to come into his eyes. Elizabeth took her hand and wiped some of the salty droplets away. Then she took her arms and scooped his head up and moved it into his lap and they sat together until he fell asleep.
Somewhere else in the city, Spencer sits alone in the apartment for the sixth night in a row, the only light in the room spilling from the TV on in the background with the sound turned down. The scotch burns a fiery trail down his throat as he takes another gulp from his glass. It's the sixth night in a row he's done this as well. Sitting here in the near dark. Drinking. Wishing the family weren't such a dedicated family of chroniclers as pictures of him and Bastiana and happier times taunt him from every wall and side table - well, no one puts the bad times on display, do they? - as he attempts to drown out the last words Bastiana had said to thwm before she walked out six days ago. "No one of you love me."
And there it is. The heart of the problem. Because she's not wrong, is she? Bastiana has given Spencer and his brothers everything and what has Spencer or Mike or Neal or Dominic given her in return? Nothing but flip remarks, scant time and attention and the merest scraps of affection. She's been holding back, hoarding herself, hoarding her heart.
He goes to the kitchen, somehow smaller and colder without Lola -who os avoiding him- there to fill it with her warmth, to get more ice for his drink and his eye falls upon the little old radio Lola keeps there. Memories of coming parents home to find his blue-eyed sister cooking up a storm and dancing along to the sounds of the 80s flood his mind. A ghost of a smile flickers across his face as he remembers, too, times when no matter where he was in the apartment he could still hear Bastiana in here either cheering or cursing at a ballgame. The smile dies and is replaced by the hot sting of tears in his eyes as he remembers the night from 23 yeats ago 'Sister oh sister' came on as they ate dinner and Bastiana grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to her feet, all so he could pull him in close and slow dance in the middle of their kitchen.
He'd known then, as he knows now, that that was the happiest he's ever been. Wrapped safe in the arms of the woman he loves, dancing , while their dinner went cold, abandoned on the kitchen table. One perfect moment childhood. And had he told Bastiana that? No, of course not. His stupid insecurities, misplaced pride and all the emotional baggage labelled ' abandoned issues' he carries around with him hadn't let him. And now he'll probably never get a chance to. Or even if he does it might already be too little, too late, for Bastiana.
"Jessica wants you in her office," Donna said as soon as Harvey entered Monday morning.
Harvey groaned but walked into his office and dropped his mail on his desk before walking back out and down the hall to the Managing Partner's office. The woman herself was seated behind her desk going through her own morning mail when he entered.
"Harvey," she said looking up. "I have a job for you."
"And what would that be?"
She smiles and interrupts before he can say anything in retaliation. Harvey stiffens up in alarm. He knows that smile. He's gotten punched years ago as a result of that smile.
''I want you to work with Bastiana'' Jessica reveals as she takes a drink of her tea, "A client of mine and a client of her want contract merger. You two can have fun.''
Harvey looked up at her and opened his mouth, the shut it, clearly surprised. It was the first time Jessica had ever seen him speechless.
Minwhile, countless sarcastics comments, angry outbursts, and laughs run through Harvey's mind at the mention of Bastiana. It been three days for the last time he saw her after left him at the hotel's room alone covering by cold sheets.
She left.
But why?
Didn't she love the connection they made?
Harvey had become outraged. What makes her think that she can take off like that?
Making a face, Harvey leans back in the chair across from his boss, and most of the time, friend. "Fine. But if she says something out of line I reserve the right to ruin her existence."
Smirking slightly, Jessica waves a hand towards her door. "I'm consistently surprised at how sweet you can be, Harvey."
"I am not," Harvey grumbles, knowing his cheeks are red. "Shut up or I'll sue you for slander." The sound of Jessica's laughter follows him out of the office.
After the gym, Bastiana made her way back to her office, devoid of any feeling but her pain. The events of the night were running through her head. Why her brothers were sp cruel to her. Why they can't see her like Hotch?.They supposed to be family. She only wondered if they had been lying to her the whole time they were together as a family. She had to stop her train of thought, and get over the pain. She had once thought that they had grown up and become men, but that night had changed all of that.
What would her grandfather say about her now? She knew that he would be disappointed in her, thinking he was a failure and weak. She always had thought that family made her weak, and she was tired of being so worthless. Why couldn't anyone stay and help her? Everyone one that she had loved hurt her or left her. Her twin brother hates her. Dominic wants Bastiana Ross back. Mike wants to destroy her and Spencer, her own brother, wished that Dana was his sister, not Bastiana. What was wrong with her? What had she done wrong to make everyone hate her and leave her? She knew it had to be her because she was the only constant variable in each of her relationships.
She was broken. The family had been the straw that finally broke her back. She was tired of being worthless and unwanted. She couldn't stand the pain anymore. She was still Bastiana Ross inside, but she had given up on her dream of someone who would sweep her off her feet. Her haunted eyes no longer sparkled with the hope of a fairytale ending.
What a joke. Her life was far from perfect and she was tired of no one actually seeing her. Everyone always only saw her clothes, her fame, and her fortune. Why couldn't anyone see the pain that she tried to hide?
"What are you doing here,?"
"How did you know it was me?"
"You have a very distinct walking pattern." Bastiana commented. She didn't need to mention that the security system alerted her in whenever Harvey walked towards her office.
"I wanted to see you."He gave her a huge white grin, an extra dose of charm on top.
Bastiana spun around in her large black computer chair facing him.
"Hello Sphincter." said Bastiana, grinning.
Christ, thought Harvey, seeing that wide smile of helpless delight on Bastiana's face. Harvey had never seen her smile like that before. All she had ever given him were thin-lipped, polite ones, and sometimes a sardonic smirk or two when Harvey deserved them, but never something like this; never something that made Bastiana glow from within for even just a few seconds so that she looked radiantly happy. Harvey had never seen her so chuffed, his face flushed with a mixture of incredulity, embarrassment and pleasure.
But something was wrong with her eyes. Her smile didn't reach her eyes, where the fireworks was?
Fireworks; Harvey had a very strong weakness for them. Ever since he was a kid, fireworks enthralled him and enchanted him beyond words. It was mesmerizingly beautiful. He'd gap at them in wonderment, and as soon as they'd disappear in the midnight skies he'd feel the disappointment of their disappearance and Harvey didn't like the thought of them never returning. But with Bastiana, he was assured that the fireworks in her eyes would never vanish.
They'd flash. They'd glow. They'd shine. Just for him.
But the firework was gone.
Who the fuck broke this woman?
His woman!
Bastiana Wolf was his and only his.
He was a man. He was sharp, dexterous, and very unpredictable. Anyone who knew him would say that over the years he had changed. But he still was the same playboy that he had been in his younger years who has a different girl every night
- with Bastiana it was different. She was been rough, they were rough to each other, pushing and pulling, but there been a rhythm to it, a concord, an order; it would be like the give and take of a duel, your turn, now my turn to try and outdo you, I won't let you win - the hot pulse of competition, with Bastiana's hands in his hair, Bastiana's teeth on his lips, Bastiana's compact and lovely body burning between his thighs -
"You gotta be kidding me," Harvey retorts, ducking around the part where this makes them adversaries, where this makes tonight an illicit act of colluding with the enemy. "The last time we met was yesterday and and all you came up with was 'sphincter'?"
"I stand by sphincter," Bastiana brushes him off.
Harvey had been watching her for the past few days now. It had annoyed him how cocky and smug she seemed to be all the time, but something had happened and the armour was slipping away. Cracks were beginning to show through it. Now he could see bits of the hurt little girl that was underneath, and he didn't like that he had been fooled by her. He didn't like how her armour had been good enough to fool even him for as long as it had, that none of her brothers must had noticed she even wore it.
Now, it bothered him that she didn't smile anymore. She didn't seem to have any fight left in her anymore, even at the court she was not Bastiana Wolf that beat him at their firt trial against each other. He wondered just what could have been strong enough to knock down the armour she had spent years building, just like him. The armour had been so well made that he hadn't noticed she'd even had it till it had started to slip.
Harvey wanted to know what had changed and why and he wanted to know now.
"Ummm…you suddenly decide to give up coffee?" Harvey inquired pointing at a black cup of tea.
Stone-faced and deadpan, Bastiana shrugged and replied, "Amy's orders. She's worried about my blood pressure or heart rate or something."
Nodding thoughtfully, while managing to keep a snort of nervous laughter from escaping, Harvey commented, "Ah, well that does make sense. I mean, you have been known to mainline the stuff – and the stronger the better, am I right? Hell, you've done everything but walk around pushing an IV pole with a Mrs. Coffee hooked up to it."
Bastiana's "oh-you-think-you're-so-goddam-funny-don't you-Specter" glare has its desired effect of forcing Harvey to clear his throat, look repentant, and change the subject.
"Okay, I'm sorry, but you gotta admit …," Harvey remarked around a smirk.
Harvey could see Bastiaan was sad even at the distance away he was and immediately wanted to know what had happened to cause the usually playful and sarcastic female to act like this. Not anything to do with how he deep down wanted to hurt whoever had made his number one nemesis sad. Not at all.
Harvey kept looking at Bastiana ,trying to figure whatever it was he was trying to figure out.
"What?" Bastian asked, her tone insolent. "I'm so fucking sexy this morning you can't keep your eyes off me? "
Harveh stuck his tongue out at her, grabbed a file starting to work. After a few hours Harvey was sitting down to sofa reading,well, he was trying to read, since he spend most of his time watching Bastiana underneath his sits, rigid-backed, eyes staring down to a file. Like a statue, perhaps, sculpted and painted to be displayed, with only the soft rise and fall of her chest where she breathes to show that she is actually alive.
"She looks like Mike, like a fucking kicked puppy."Harvey thought remembered how Mike behaves for the last six day. He was sad amd somehow Dana was the same, Donna tried to talk to Mike but the young man pushed her off.
It was an odd day as Jessica has given Mike a cold shoulder, Logan doesn't show up for Moke and Katrina was near to Mike and Dana all day like she was protecting them. Harvey was desperately missing Mike because what he had now was a pain in the ass stickler for every single regulation. He did not defuse the tension at the office, he cracked no jokes, and if Harvey or Dana or even Jessica deviated from regulations, he would cite chapter and verse and remind them – politely – of it, just looking at them until they all conformed.
He was furious and curious at the same time, furious because someone done something that changed Mike and furious at Bastiana because she gotten all the blame. Harvey wasn't forgive Mike yet for lying to him about Bastiana and taking her side, he gave him a lot pf work to do for a few days.
Bastiana sighed noisily and took a long pull of her coffee.
"You OK?" Harvey asked.
"What?" she said, surprised.
"Big sigh."
She shrugged. Harvey thought she might not even have been consciously sighing. "Everything changes," she finally said. "Everything remains the same."
Harvey nodded.
Bastiana sat in silence until a goung man with glass walked in Bastiana's office.
"Looks like somebody has a secret admirer," the mail person commented as she handed Bastiana pink envelope.
Bastiana's eyes grew wide and she stared at the envelope. The mail person got tired of holding it and dropped it onto her desk.
There was no return address on it and despite the feminine color choice, her name and address appeared to be scrawled by a man's hand.
"Problem?" Harvey asked.
"No, no problem," Bastiana lied.
"Are you going to open that?"
She pulled her letter opener out and easily slid it across the seam then poured the contents out onto her desk. There was a single piece of paper with a picture paper clipped to it.
I'am sorry
She quickly hid the note behind the file as she swallowed back the bile rising in her throat.
"You ok, Wolf?" Harvey asked.
Bastiana swallowed hard, her eyes closed tight as her subconscious did battle against the memory that had all of a sudden been brought to the forefront of her mind. "Yes," she squeaked out, doing her best to sound normal.
"Are you sure?" Tim asked. "Because judging by the look on your face, either you're constipated or something's wrong."
Bastiana ignored the goading as she stood from her desk and grabbed her leather jacket. "We have work to do," sje called over her shoulder, tugging the jacket on before he hurried off towards the elevator.
And he understood. Bastiana Ross wasn't back yet. Not really.
She'd had to be this cold woman, this heartless lawyer, for too long, and her brpthers had somehow managed to really affect her and get under her skin. She'd had to be someone who act like nothing can hurt her a person that he'd liked, before she could get her own throat cut.
He remembered who Bastiana had looked away then during her emotional breakdown, turning back to the window, that faraway I'm-going-to-escape look back in her eyes. With the additional who-do-I-have-to-kill-to-get-out-of-here look thrown in. And Hotch had to suppress a shudder. Sometimes he wondered what Bastiana's childhood must have really been like. It must have truly been awful to make her be able to be like this when she needed to be. To pretend to be someone else so completely as to obscure her own identity. Sure, Hotch was cold, and openly so, and was no stranger to undercover work himself. And his life had not been a cakewalk either. But he had had a good childhood with loving and supportive parents, even if his relationship with his dad had gone to hell after the death of his mom. He didn't feel a need to pretend to be somebody else so completely.
But Reid did sometimes. What little that he'd revealed about his childhood had always been negative but always couched in a funny story, as if he were joking. Hotch knew though, that those stories were only the tip of the iceberg. And like the one that had sunk the Titanic, Reid's childhood was a source of pain that was bigger than even Hotch could imagine. Something that not only did Reid rarely talk about but, in Hotch's opinion, he rarely even thought about or confronted even within himself. It was something that the young man had always buried, as thoroughly as he could.
Because Bastiana was damaged. Always had been. It was one of those things that had been so attractive about her – the danger of being close to all that damage, all the raw, open wounds in her soul, that it could suck her down, suck Bastiana down into an unfathomable depth. The danger of being so close to that darkness, whose depths were even deeper and murkier than her own, it called to him. To be close to Bastiana was to flirt with the darkness within his own soul, and some days he wondered whether Bastiana would ultimately be the one to drag him down.
FLASHBACK
Hotch was stunned. He had been sleeping in, and hadn't had time to change before answering the door, so he was standing in front of Bastiana agent in nothing but his pajama pants. He ran his hand through his hair and nodded. "Um, okay, come on in. Let me just put on a shirt," he said. He left the door open and headed back into his bedroom. He quickly grabbed a shirt and headed back into the living room.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. She was still beautiful but she looked exhausted. Her hair was limp and dull, her shoes coated in dried mud and dark crescents under the blue eyes that had once been so vivid. He had feared this all along. He knew something had been wrong and he didn't look into it because matters of the home were just that; they stayed in the home. His lungs had constricted painfully and he was sure his heart had stopped beating when he laid eyes on her. "Bastiana," he breathed. She gave him a weak smile, a corner of her mouth twitching in response. Her blue dress was filthy and she looked like she hadn't had a good meal in weeks.
"Hi Aaron," she said weakly.
"What are you doing here?" He blurted.
Bastiana became annoyed at the silence in the room, "It was a mistake to come here." She began to do just that but a hand encased her arm causing her to spin into that person, hitting their chest.
Hotch looked down at the woman in his arms, "Please, stay."
Their eyes met and it was like the whole world melted away…
Hotch swallows. "Why are you here?"
"You know what. It doesn't matter because I am leaving"
"No" H said as they broke apart for air.
"What" She, spoke more to herself then to Hotch as her heart shattered into a million pieces within her chest.
"Bastiana" He prompted when she didn't respond. "What's the matter?"
Shaking herself, Bastiana turned and glared at the confused man.
"You must think that I'm stupid."
"What?"
"You must think that I'm a fool. Oh, you think I'm new to this. Is that it?, I've seen this all before."
"Bastiana..."
Then woman stepped forward, interrupting the man. ''Everyone leaves''
Hotch was silent for a long, thoughtful moment. "Who has left you, Bastiana? What has happened that has hurt you so bad?"
She feels tears being pulled to her eyes and she furiously wipes at them.''"Really? Do I have to answer that for you? Let's make a list, shall we? My parents, Gideon, my brothers, Bruce. Those are just the really important ones - the ones I cared about, that said they would never hurt me. And honestly, I don't think they wanted to hurt me and yet they did - badly. So you'll have to excuse me if a few pretty plants don't sway my need to protect my heart, ."
Hotch blinked in surprise.''Your brothe-..'''
''My brothers hate me!''Her tone comes out more bitter than she intended, and she realizes that she is expressing her hidden anger towards others at him, ''My own blood and flesh hate me.''
"That's not true," Hotch denies it so quickly that she almost rose an eyebrown.''They dont hate you deside how can they forget all the things you have done for them?''
There is so much more to that sentence, because he says it so clearly and with so much force that she wants to know what he is thinking. She can see it in him, feel it in his beating heart.
''They call me a heartless monster behind my back because I can show emotions.''Bastiana said, then she looked up. What Hotch saw completely stunned him he saw tears, actual tears in Bastiana's eyes and that caused him to sit up a little in shock.''They are right''
''I refuse to be weak, I refuse to show emotions''Bastiana was now sobbing as Hotch reached over, grabbed her face with his hands and wiped the tears with his thumbs and looked into her eyes.
''You are human. You are not weak for feeling things''Hotch told her as he bent down a little and kissed her hands.'So get angry. Make people regret ever wroning you. Be happy. Smile so bright that the sun is sad. Crack ,cry ,crumble until your heart is no longer heavy''
''I…What do I do?"''she asked with a sniffle. Her breath gave these little hitches, hiccupping gasps all that was left of her recent sobbing, but her voice itself was even and flat as she spoke.
The hand he had in her hair moved down to gently cup her cheek, thumb resting beneath her chin, right against her pulse. Her eyelids fluttered slightly as she relaxed into his touch.
"Focus on something," Hotch suggested after a moment. "Just one emotion, one feeling."
Her eyes were locked on his, absorbing every word like it was holy writ, and his knuckles glided against the side of her throat soothingly. A thought struck him, and he hesitated for hardly a breath before voicing it.
"An event, even—an important one. Let it come up to the surface, above all the others. Just that one. The one thing that makes you who you are, that gives you something to live for."
Bastiana swallowed again, the motion thick and slow beneath his palm, and took a breath. A small crease formed on her brow as she concentrated.
Tears poured more forcefully down her cheeks even as the rest of her remained mostly calm. As soon as she let something break through to the forefront of her mind, it would shatter the illusion.
Hotch would be there to catch her. If she would let him.
"I—I can't," she muttered, eyes wide and searching. Her breath shook and shuddered, making her words wobble as they passed her lips. "It's too much, I…"
"Yes, you can," he said, firm. "Yes, you can. Focus, Bastiana. Let it in." His thumb stroked the apple of her cheek as he gazed intently into her dark eyes until all her focus was on him. "Let something past the wall," he continued. "No matter what it is—love, hope, respect, terror, hatred, fury, depression, worry—anything is better than nothing, Bastiana. You need only let one small emotion through the wall, let it drown out all other thought and memory. And like dominoes, the rest will follow."
Bastiana nodded, closing her eyes. She seemed to be forcing the air in and out of her lungs, nearly hyperventilating.
"I…" She sniffled. "I messed up. My parents...Edith..God I.. ''
"Shh. Just focus."
When her eyes opened, she was still crying, but it was slowing down. "My brother hate me," she whispered. I gave up everything just to be with them, and I—I miss him so much, oh, God." She shuddered a breath. "It hurts so much, I—Why did they make me do that?"
Her eyes were wide when she looked up at him, and he couldn't quite wipe the frown from his face in time. It would seem Bastiana's brothers had done more harm than he had initially thought.
As he looked into her eyes, he was sure that she would return to herself in due time. There was heartbreak there in her gaze, and betrayal—sadness, fear, an aching loneliness he could almost feel in his bones.
There was trust, too, though, for himself, as he felt her lean further into his embrace. Bastiana would trust him to catch her, see her through this hurricane of emotions back to steady ground. He hadn't even had to give his word; something in his expression must have been as good as a promise for her.
"How could they do that to me?" she sobbed.
Hotch let her fall into his chest as she cried, rubbing circles into her back as he soothed her. His fingers buried themselves in her hair, combing through it slowly.
"Shh, Bastiana," he murmured, relieved, his lips at her temple. He kissed her there, listened as her breath hitched with one sob after another, compulsion broken and emotions roaming free. "Easy, darling."
She shifted, straightening and turning to throw her arms around his neck and burrow into his shoulder. He let his arms tighten around her, keeping her close.
"It's alright," he sighed softly, words muffled slightly by her hair. "You're going to be alright. Just let it in."
It only took a second, a thought, for him to move them both to the bench nearby. The girl in his arms didn't hesitate to wind her arms tighter around his neck and bury her face in his collar as she sobbed.
Hotch tightened his hold on her, sighing quietly again as she all but crawled into his lap. "Shh," he repeated. "Everything is going to be okay, Bastiana…"
"It hurts," she whimpered. "God, everything—it all hurts so much."
"I know." He drew steady fingers over her hair. "Just relax. Try to sort through it. I'm right here."
Her arms tightened minutely around him. "Don't leave," she breathed as her sobs threatened to take over again. "Please don't leave me, please. Not again, not you, too, I can't…"
"Shh," he soothed. "Shh, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
END FLASHBACK
But the strength of the woman. To refuse to succumb. To refuse to let the darkness win. To sit in the office and do her job, instead of expressing all that rage and pain and loss that those laughing blue eyes hid so well.
"Stop sulking," said Rossi.
"I'm not sulking."
"Yes you are. You've been glaring at that paperwork for the past five minutes without doing any of it."
Hotch let it go. There was no point getting into an endless no-I'm-not-yes-you-are argument, and besides, Roasi was right. Loath as he was to admit it, he was sulking.
"Why, though?" persisted Rossi. "Was the coffe you just jealous -"
Hotch's head whipped up so fast he got a crick in his neck.
"- that you don't... have any ..." Rossi appeared to have lost the end of that sentence, and was staring suspiciously at Hotch. Shit.
"Wait!" said Roasi, and scrambled higher up on the couch, pointing an accusatory finger. "You are jealous, aren't you? You're jealous cause Specter has more influence over Bastiana.."
Hotch resigned himself to certain death.
"Shut up," he said curtly.
Rossi ignored him. Of course. "You're jealous cause someone else has his eyes at your lawyer?"
"My lawyer?"
"Wait, what he had done?" continued Rossi, seating himself on the back of the couch."He touch her?. He asks her for a dance?.."
"He kissed her," said Hotch, in a tone of horrified fascination. "On the mouth."
"He what."
"And Bastiana kissed him back" He took a moment to consider the mental image. Then in reverent tones, as if relating the size of the world's biggest cockroach, he added, "Then, he punched him."
The author laughed at his friend's comment. He may never have come face-to-face with the woman, but from the young doctor's words, the lawyer was an interesting woman. Speaking of the young doctor, Rossi looked out the office window to see Reid sitting in his office with a sad expression on his face. Morgan, Prentiss and Gracia tried to talk to the doctor, but the young man didn't say anything and stared at them with a sad look. No one could understand why the young man was acting in this way, but some information from the detective Amanda Rollins said that Carisi acts at the same away, no one talk to him, even his husband can't help him or sayd something about it. All of them came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with the happy family. All of them could finally see that they weren't the happy family they all believed in, with their perfect brothers and beautiful sister, even with their amazing husbands and fabulous jobs, they saw a little piece of their real faces and no one of them were impressed with what they saw. They had seen a dictator in all hrt majesty with anger problems and four brothers couldn't do anything without her approval, they saw fear and anger and Reid was trying to keep this picture away from them.
Reid had tried to act normally at work by trying not to show his sadness around his co-workers, he didn't want their annoying questions and interest. His house, his family was in crisis and he didn't know what to do to fix it. Neal or Bastiana were the members of the family who tried to stop the problems of the family as the older siblings, he could have asked Gideon for advice, but he knew his answer already.
''Get your head out of your ass and speak with your sister''
Speak?. All the Ross' siblings together in a room?. Reid would prefer to be in a war instead on a group therapy with his family.
The Ross family officially broke their vow to stick together in the office of Bastiana and that was something Reid was scared. No one knew what this fight could cause to their family, they didn't know if it would cause tears, pain or even death.
How do you fall in love with someone and not realise it? Harvey wondered. He'd always thought himself a fairly self-aware person. He always knew what was going on inside his head even when he was bullshitting others. But this time he'd let his 'I don't care about anyone' attitude cloud his mind enough to completely miss the fact that somewhere along the line, he'd fallen in love with his associate.
Bastiana pushed his buttons that no one else ever had. He woke up every morning looking forward to fight with her. He spent hours working with Bastiana and and thoroughly enjoyed watching her eyes light up everytime she spoke for the law. He knew that now and the funny thing was that it hadn't been a big realisation. It wasn't brought on by jealousy or anything like that. Though Harvey would now admit to rather an intense dislike for Aaron Hotchner. He was handsome and smart, but he was nowhere near good enough for Bastiana. Bastiana was extraordinary. She was special and not just because of that remarkable brain of her.
Harvey finished with one stack of documents and then he put down his pen and stretched. He looked at Bastiana who was sitting on the other side of the table with a pencil in her mouth, small frown creasing her forehead as she studied the deposition in front of her.
Harvey watched the female lawyer dutifully complete her paperwork for their first case together. All the day Bastiana had been oddly quiet. There had been no movie quotes and background chatter tonight. Something was clearly bothering the woman, but Harvey hadn't pushed her to talk yet- the one time he had asked Harvey what was going on, Bastiana had paled and walked off. Harvey knew that whatever the problem was, she was deeply hurt by it, and wouldn't talk until he was ready. Harvey really hoped that Bastiana would want to talk sooner rather than later, that was for sure. For some reason he hated seeing Bastiana hurting or upset.
He was about to move to go to her when the phone rang. He saw Bastiana reach for the office phone to answer.
"Wolf speaking" Bastiana answered and it broke Harvey's heart to hear the pain in it. "Oh hey William how are you?...yeah I'm fine why?...oh it's nothing Will...no, no Will we...ok your right Michael told you..., but we all have been under a lot of stress and...I know it's no excuse, but Will they...why? I can't tell you that Qill...yes it has something to do with a family matter, but I can't tell you...yeah I know...look Will I hate to cut this short, but I'm really, really tired and I have a lot of paperwork...ok see you soon night Will" Bastiana said then hung up the phone gently placing it back down then he moved her head to the chair.
Harvey saw her body shake and that did it. He moved over to the chair and knelt down in front of her and waited for the woman to move her face once again. Bastiana moved her face from the chair to reach out and grab a tissue when she suddenly jerked up and jumped after seeing Harvey. She clutched her chest and breathed really hard.
"Oh fuck Specter, don't ever scare me like that again" Bastiana demanded while trying to catch her breath, Harvey just looked at her. Bastiana looked down not wanting to look into his eyes.
"Bastiana look at me please" Harvey demanded softly and when Bastiana didn't he grabbed the woman by the chin and forced her to look at him and what he saw completely broke his heart. "What the fuck happen to you?" Harvey said quietly while Bastiana just nodded.
"I don't know what you are talking about"Bastiana says bracing herself, Harvey doesn't disappoint.
Harvey is startled by the anguish he sees in Bastiana's eyes. How long had that been there, how had he not noticed the pain there. But a second later he is met with a blank look, Bastiana had put up her masks.
"Hey don't do that, don't hide behind that wall" Harvey says.
"Just because we fucked doesn't not mean that we are friends" Bastiana replies trying to will Harvey to let her walk out that door. But Harvey being the stubborn S.O.B that he was just held on tighter to her hand.
Harvey snorted. "I treid to help you bitch" he reminded, getting her face to redden in anger.
"Asshole," she accused in a hiss.
"Know-it-all," he retorted back.
"Dickwad," Bastiana responded, stepping over the still groaning lawyer and crossing her arms in anger.
"Slut,"
that looks extremely hot for me when she's pissed, Harvey added his smirk widening.
"Man-whore," I can't help it if I'm good looking.
"Selfish-brat."
"Douche," she stated, both adults standing in each other's personal space as they threw more insults at each other.
"Loudmouth," Which doesn't really bother me, at least when she screams my name it'll keep the other losers away, he thought inhaling the sweet essence of vanilla and jasmine that emanated from her.
"Show-off," have you seen me? I can't help it if everyone needs to behold me.
"Show-off," have you seen me? I can't help it if everyone needs to behold me.
"Wannabe."
"Never was," she threw back getting the onlookers to gap. But really, she was too into this argument to care about the bystanders, or the fact that she was now practically nose to nose with Harvey. He wasn't much effected either by the lack of distance and continued, "Over-sensitive," and smells really good to boot, he thought as the smell of her was beginning to lull the anger in him about almost having to share her.
"Conceited," again, have you seen me?
"Spoilt."
"Idiot."
"Arrogant." The space between them diminished slowly as they got closer and closer with each bad thing they called each other, but as if regaining their common sense, they stepped away from each other glaring.
"Attention whore."
"Half-wit."
"PMS," he sang almost innocently getting her to glower at him. "You're the most self-righteous jackass I've ever known," Bastiana sneered.
"You're an idiotic, narcissistic douche-bag with no respect for anyone."
She was about to let go of everything that had almost brought her to her knees the past months when it came to the relationship with her brothers. She noticed she had no fear of letting go everything that was anger and dissapointment inside of her anymore.
You know what? Fighting with you is a waste of time."
Now that one hurt.
The only reason, the only way that Bastiana was ever his was when they fought. And now she was saying that it was all a waste of time?
"I can understand why they hate you."
Bastiana stood silent. She was trying to control her emotions from showing on her face.
Bastiana stood up and snarled, "One more word Specter and someone will have to carry you out of this room. Am I clear?"
Harvey stepped back at the ferocity of Bastiana's words. Harvey sees the moment Bastiana gives up fighting, ahe lets out a sigh and she's whole posture changes, her shoulders droop, her head hangs a bit and it looks like she has the world on her shoulders. Harvey wonders for how long. He hurried to be at Bastiana's side. She could see Bastiana steel brown eyes were filled with care and concern.
No words needed to be spoken.
The look in Harvey face and his arms embracing Bastiana in a loving hug is what finally shattered Bastiana's resolve.
The safety Bastiana felt in that tight embrace allowed her to break.
Bastiana did not fight the embrace when Harvey enveloped her. Bastiana relaxed into it and Harvey could feel her body begin to tremble. He wrapped a hand behind her head and brought her face in close to Harvey neck. Bastiana's hair was soft and Harvey could feel hot tears on his skin as Bastiana gave into the grief.
Harvey mind battled against his physical desires. Holding Bastiana close began to overwhelm him. The smell of Bastiana's hair and skin caressed Harvey senses. The heat of Bastiana's body burned against his own. Bastiana's vulnerability brought out a fiercely protective side in Harvey.
"Specter."
A pause, a beat. Harvey holds his breath. So many words fighting in his head to get out that he doesn't know where to begin.
"Specter?… Have you ever wish to be someone else?"
His brain is screaming at him. Jesus, Harvey, say something!
"What?"Harvey asked in surprise.
Bastiana walked over to the small wet bar and pulled out a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses. She poured two shots and nudged Harvey who looked up. Bastiana handed him one of the shots and as she clinked her glass against Harvey's she said."To be a stranger to everyone. Without memories or pain or past or family. To be free."
Bastiana downed another shot and let her mind go numb. She needed to zone out for a was on his third when Harvey stood up and said "It is about your brothers."
Bastiana looked up when Harvey said "Brothers".
"I'm not their mother," She says to him, "I will take care of them, and I love them to death, but I am not their mother. And they can't expect me to take care of all them, and they can't keep treating me like a housewife and then forget that I am capable of doing things."
Harvey took another shot of tequila and stared at the empty glass. "You can do 99 things for someone and they will remember is the one thing you didn't do."
"Since are you so smart?"She murmured, voice thick and clucked.
"Well."Harvey said with a smirk."I can rely on my pretty can I?"
I will kill my brothers, Bastiana thought. I will kill them exactly the same way they killed me. It will be poetic, it will be beautiful, and most of all, it will be revenge.
"Have you ever been in love?"Bastiana asked, breaking the silence.
They stood, silently staring at each other for long moments.
Harvey grinned."I thoughts I had"he said wryly.
Harvey sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands. "I didn't love her the way she loved me," he said hoarsely. "She deserved to be loved fully. She deserved someone who loved her back, just as much. That wasn't me. No one should be in a relationship where there's no hope that the one that you love would ever love you back the way you love them."
Bastiana gave him a long look. "Sound like you know what he's going through."
He grunted. "It's kinder to break up now, than to drag this out longer. She'll only be hurt more."
"What about you?"
Bastiana's blue eyes looked up at him, startled, and she laughed bitterly. "No. No. Love is for children," she shook her head.
"You had sex with me"
"Your point?"
"We can do it again" She guessed, unable to suppress a grin.
Bastiana chuckled, rolling her eyes.
"I am not slep with the same person twice."
He nodded
"I know the feeling."
She was about to snap Harvey out of it not knowing what else to do until she felt her cell phone looks at Harvey as she slowly pick it up answering it.
"Hello"
"Bastiana."
Bastiana's glass slipped from dead fingers and shattered on the floor.
Harvey put his glass down as he stared at the woman, heart pounding in his chest. Long brown hair artfully mussed, the put his glass down as he stared at the man, heart pounding in his perfect, popular mask dropping as Harvey glanced at anger, relief, happiness, shock, and sadness all pass over her face.
Harvey watched the sadness and regret in Bastiana's eyes as he kept talking on the phone. No. And Harvey found himself wondering – how long had Bastiana been with this person? It didn't look like a one night stand. He'd seen Bastiana send off one night stands before, , but there was a specific body language involved, even with the clingiest people. People you just met didn't have this layer of complexity and familiarity with this unknown person. This person had been a long term boyfriend or girlfriend. Now jilted, obviously.
Jealousy, anger, and sadness warred for dominance. Harvey put his glass down as he stared at the woman, heart pounding in his chest.
Bastiana's voice broke a little.
"...Please?" Bastiana begged, stepping forward. Her tone losing the anger almost as quickly as it came.
Harvey frowned at the womam. She didn't act this way towards anyone. Not Mike, not Neal, not Sonny. What was it about this strange person from the other side of the line that made Bastiana so...submissive? No that wasn't the right word. Dependent maybe? Desperate? Whatever it was, that wasn't who Bastiana was.
"You can't come at New York"Bastiana frowned
"Why?"The other person from the line says.
"Because she doesn't need you."Harvey said while being right in front of her."She has me, now."
Bastiana jumped hearing his voice and dropped her phone in the picked it up before it even got close to the ground. "If you want to talk to my girlfriend of the wind then you must do it here at our home."
Bastiana looked at him,wondering wy he called her girlfriend since she was not ans went for the phone when she listened to what else he had to say,she did not trust him so she went for it.
"Your home!" The man said angry
Harvey watched as Bastiana went for the phone only for him to grabher arm, pulling her to him and holding her to his chet with a good grip.
"Yes,my Bastiana not tell you? I mean after we shared a passionate night in the bedroom,I offered and said yes."
Bastiana looked at him,as she struggled against him boy if looks could kill.
"She would not sleep with you!" The man from the phone said though his voice was breaking.
"Oh really,so why else would she not answer your phone I must admit that is partly my fault,for hitting the walls a little to hard." Harvey saidchuckling evilly,while looking at woman.
Bastiana started to yell while fighting to Harvey but the man put his hand over her mouth making it seem like words were really sounds of grunting. He decided to have a bit more fun bfore hanging up "It seems like she is up for another round,I must go." With that he hanged up and let go of Bastiana.
She looked at him mad and with tears starting to stream down her face.
"What you have done?"
Her throat began to feel full like it always did when she was close to tears.
"Say something, anything." Harvey broke the silence.
"Get out, now. I can't even look at you." Bastiana spoke in a quiet but stern voice that spoke volumes about how she was feeling. Looking into Harvey's eyes Bastiana added, "Look always behind your back Specter ,you will never see me coming. Now get out of my firm, now."
Harvey nodded and before he left he looked back and saw Bastiana in the same spot. He had never seen Bastiana like this before and he hated himself for being the one to do this to Bastiana. 'How could you be such an idiot Specter?'
Mike went into Harvey's office, wiping the sweat off of his face. He was so cold but yet he was burning up. Maybe he should just quit now and go to the doctor.
"Harvey, I have the finished cases."
"Good. Put them on the table and leave."
Mike frowned. He almost wanted to cry. He was in so much pain and Harvey shutting him out was making it worse. "W-What? I thought you said…you would-"
"I lied."
Mike wiped his face again. "Harvey, please." His heart was beating a million miles a second. He looked at the couch longingly; he just wanted to sleep…or pass out. Whatever thing would make the throbbing go away. "How many times…do I have to say I'm sorry?"
Harvey shot up from his chair. He was done with this. "Mike, you could say you're sorry infinity times and I would never accept it. You are the worse associate I've ever had. I never thought you would actually stab me in the back again after you gave me you word that you'd never do that again. But once a liar always a liar right?"
"Harvey-" Something was wrong. He couldn't breathe and his chest was tightening. He could feel his heart pounding."Bastiana is my sister."
The man turned around, looking out the window. "No, I'm not finished with you yet. I can't believe after everything I've done for you, you do that to me. I wish I had never met you then we wouldn't even be in this shit show. I want you to-"
He couldn't stay conscious any longer. He felt like he was having a heart attack. He managed to mumble Harvey's name before welcoming the cold darkness.
He was on his heel when he heard Mike groan and was just in time to see him falling to the floor. Mike collapsed with a soft thud and Harvey was stunned. What the hell just happened?
"Donna!" He broke out of his stupor and ran over to Mike, turning the kid over on his back. He placed a hand on Mike's forehead, but snatched it back with a hiss; the man's fever was raging. "Donna! Call an ambulance!"
"Why what- oh my god, what happened?"
"Never mind what happened, just call a damn ambulance! Mike?" He slapped the kid's cheek. "Mike, wake up!" Mike had clearly been sick and he didn't care. The kid wasn't feeling well and he didn't do anything about it and now…
"The ambulance is on its way. What do you need?"
"A wet cloth and water," Harvey inhaled. Mike's breathing was barely existent if not a little raspy.
"On it."
Harvey brought Mike's upper body into his arms, cradling him while he was trying to figure out what was wrong. "Mike, come on kiddo." He brushed the man's sweat soaked hair back before pressing a finger to his neck…and his breath caught in his throat. There was no pulse.
"No." He pressed harder, knowing he'd create a bruise. "Mike?" He lifted the kid's floppy body up higher and pressed his ear on his chest. There was no heartbeat. "Oh my god. Mike don't you dare die on me!" He checked the pulse again and just when he thought it was over, he felt a weak flutter beneath his fingertips. He wilted in relief as Donna came back into the room, water bottle and soaked cloth in her hand. By now a bunch of people were crowded around outside the office, trying to see what was going on.
"Donna, he's dying," Harvey looked up at her worriedly."You have to wake up, Bastiana and Logan will kill me."
It was the one of the very few times that she had seen that expression on his face and she knew that this was really bad. "He'll be okay." She folded and placed the wet towel over Mike's forehead. "We're gonna have to wake him up if he's gonna drink the water."
Harvey nodded and sat Mike up straight. "Where are the medics?"
"They're like two minutes away."
Harvey's throat made a noise as he tried to get Mike to regain consciousness. Finally, they heard a guttural moan and Mike's eyes peeled open to slits.
"Mike, honey? Can you hear me?" Donna said, opening the water bottle and cupping his face.
The blonde's head rolled on his shoulder at the voice, his blue eyes glassy with the fever and staring into space.
"Mike," Harvey said a little sternly.
It sounded like Mike had said something, but it wasn't clear.
Harvey took a deep breath. "Mike, you need to open your mouth so we can give you water."
But all they got was another groan. The fever was getting so bad that it was probably close to frying Mike's brain up. As they heard running down the hallway, Harvey frowned when he could no longer hear Mike's raspy breathing. He looked down to see Mike's eyes closed again and his chin resting on his chest. Harvey pressed his finger back on the kid's neck and choked. There was no heartbeat. He was dead. Before he could do anything, Mike was taken away from him and placed flat on the floor so they could revive him with the AED. It took two tries before they managed to get him back and put him on a gurney. Donna held Harvey's hand as they watched in disbelief.
"What just happened?" Donna said.
"No idea."
"I just thought of somethings," Donna started slowly, moving a branch aside for Harvey, "Bastiana's gonna have our heads for this."
"I know," Harvey replied.
"Just thought you ought to know."
But they had to get the hospital now.