Word Count: 3,029
Warnings/Spoilers: No specific warnings for this chapter.
"Buck's here!" Hen shrieked, and he heard various echoing greetings that he responded to with a nervous wave as he descended the stairs of Bobby and Athena's place.
"Hey guys," he said, extending a pumpkin pie towards Bobby that was totally homemade and definitely not store-bought. He'd even broken off little bits of the crust, and put the pie on a plate and covered it in plastic to make it seem terrible and so therefore completely believable that he'd contributed something, anything, to the meal.
Bobby took one look at it, pursed his lips, met Buck's eyes and absolutely knew it was something he hadn't made himself. Even so, Bobby thanked him and gave him a one-armed hug.
"Glad you came, kid," Bobby murmured against his ear and if Buck squeezed back a little tighter, held on a little longer, so that he could swallow away the tears… Well…
"Buck!"
He released Bobby to turn to his favourite kid in the world. "Hey, buddy," he said, lifting Christopher into a hug and squeezing the giggling kid against him, nuzzling into the wavering hand that patted his cheek and kissing the palm. "How are you?"
"I'm hungry," Chris said, making Bobby chuckle as he turned back to the kitchen with the pie.
Buck bounced Chris lightly on his hip. "You know you never leave these things hungry though, right? Bobby wouldn't let you be hungry."
"Yeah, I know but I gotta wait. Dad wouldn't even let me have a snack after lunch," Chris pouted.
The mention of Eddie made Buck cast his eyes around the room, finding Eddie watching them with a smile that he covered up with a mouthful of beer. "I'd offer to sneak you something from the kitchen but I don't want to get into trouble with your Dad," Buck said, shifting carefully through the various people milling around in search of the drinks table. "He can be pretty scary."
"Dad's not scary!" Christopher protested, arms winding tighter around Buck's neck as they moved in an effort to avoid being dropped. "Dad loves us too much to be scary to us."
The casual use of the 'l' word nearly made Buck drop the kid.
"Uh… Y-Yeah." He lowered Chris to the floor and reached for a bottle of beer to hide how his fingers trembled. "Do you want something, champ? A soda? Juice?"
"I'm okay," Chris said, bumping into his leg. "I'm happy you're here, though."
Buck felt as though his brain had short-circuited with Christopher's previous words. He ran his fingers absently through Chris' curls and shot him a smile. "I am too, kiddo."
Christopher's beaming smile outshone the sun as he wandered away, attaching himself to Denny and Harry playing video games in the corner while May routinely rolled her eyes and tried to point out a better way to earn a higher score to her brother, who apparently didn't want to listen to her.
"Glad you made it." Hen sidled up to him and bumped her hip into his as she reached for a fresh drink. "We were starting to think you didn't love us anymore."
And Buck really needed people to stop saying things like 'love' that poked at the sore spots on his heart.
"How could I ever stop loving you?" He wrapped a loose arm around her shoulders and twirled them to face the gathered group that were gathered in different comfy locations around Bobby and Athena's living room. "This madhouse is the only place I fit in."
She jabbed at his chest, a grin tugging at the edge of her lips. "Don't say that too loud. Athena might arrest you."
His eyes widened in mock horror and she laughed, shaking out of his arm to return to Karen's side like the other half of a magnet.
For a moment, he just sort of…surveyed the group and wondered when it had started to feel a little easier to be in their presence. Certainly after he'd unveiled the scarred bits of his soul to Eddie, but it was more than that. He'd been around to Bobby and Athena's plenty of times and felt like he was on the outside of everything. There were jokes that must have started at the station when he was in rehab which had been brought to the dinner, and he hadn't understood. There were comments between Maddie and Chim that exposed how much time they truly spent around each other, making him realise how his sister was growing away from him again. There were started questions and finished answers between Eddie and Hem that betrayed the number of playdates Chris and Denny had been having, which Buck couldn't begrudge but still left him feeling like he didn't belong.
But this time just felt…different.
"Hey." He blinked, managing something resembling a smile as Eddie's elbow brushed against his when the other man reached for a fresh drink. "You doing okay?"
He didn't have a perfect answer. He knew it wasn't that easy. He'd had another restless night and texted Eddie in the middle of it, needing to just reach out to someone to keep the darkness at bay. He wasn't surprised when he hadn't gotten an immediate response but he was grateful for the bleary-eyed photo of a smiling Christopher when his alarm had gone off that morning.
"I'll get there," he replied, letting Eddie draw him away from the drinks table and over to where Maddie, Chim and Athena were having a spirited discussion about the best holiday movies.
"Back me up here, Ev," Maddie said, looping her arm around his elbow. "It's absolutely Jingle All The Way."
"Please tell me you have better tastes in movies than your sister otherwise I'm judging your whole family," Athena said with a grin.
"I mean…" Buck looked between Maddie's hopeful grin and Athena's raised eyebrow and Chim's furious attempt to avoid laughing. "It definitely reminds me of the holidays, for better or worse."
"That is so not backing me up. Sibling privileges revoked!" Maddie announced and he pressed his lips together around a smile and sipped his beer. "Besides, Arnold in Kindergarten Cop? A classic for the ages!"
"So I think after everything that the house has gone through this year, I'm going to make a very cheesy declaration and request we say what we're thankful for," Bobby said, drawing a few muttered groans from various participants at the table who were summarily silenced with a filthy glare from Athena.
Hen went first, volunteering how grateful she was for Karen and their attempts at a baby and Denny for putting up with the mood swings of two mothers. It drew plenty of laughs, even as Denny ducked his head.
Karen retorted that she was grateful for Hen jabbing her in the ass with the hormone injections which led to a whoop from Athena. Denny looked like he wanted to melt under the table.
"I'm thankful for finding a really great guy," Maddie said, eyes glittering with tears or maybe just catching the reflection from the outside lights as she reached for Chim's hand beside her.
"I'm thankful she even sees me as a great guy," Chim joked, earning him a swat to the back of his head. Buck pretended to gag, which made Maddie raise her hand towards him, but Denny laughed.
"I'm thankful I get to eat soon," Chris said and Buck started laughing at the scandalised look on Eddie's face as his head swivelled to look at Christopher between them.
"That's the best you can come up with?" Eddie demanded and Chris shrugged, a small pout forming on his bottom lip, as he gestured towards the enormous amounts of food covering the table.
"I'm hungry."
Everyone else started laughing at that and Buck did his best to discretely wipe the tears from his eyes, even as Maddie nudged his foot beneath the table and sent a gentle smile his way.
"I'm grateful for having three parents this year," Harry said, somewhat shy as he glanced from Athena, to Michael, to Bobby. Athena gave a smile that was a bit wobbly around the edges as she reached a hand to her right for Bobby and left for Michael.
"I'm thankful to still have this hungry little caterpillar keeping me busy," Eddie said, scratching his fingers through Christopher's hair even as he looked over the top of his head at Buck with a very serious look that made the implications behind his words clear.
May said something about finalising her college essay topic, at last, and Denny mumbled something about his mothers and hoping for a new sibling, and Michael said he was thankful for Bobby bringing the light back to Athena's smile that led to a small 'aww' from her.
Buck was still mulling over Eddie's words, the warmth that had been within his tone and his eyes spilling into Buck's heart. As much as Eddie was thankful for Chris' life, he was thankful to Buck for saving it. Buck wondered if anyone else at the table had recognised the depth behind Eddie's words or if that was a secret only he had understood. He had to keep biting his lip when he thought about what it would be like to share secrets with Eddie in the company of everyone they knew.
"Buck?"
He zoned back in and realised everyone was staring at him with the weight of expectation that meant it had to be his turn and…he still didn't have anything.
He flushed, his face overheating as his eyes darted between Maddie and Eddie and Chris and Bobby.
"I… Uh…" Swallowing in an attempt to dislodge the nerves that crept into his throat, he managed a shaky sort of smile. "I'm thankful to…to be able to call you guys my family," he said, eyes lowering to his empty plate.
Maddie's ankle hooked around his beneath the table, her toes rubbing up the inside of his calf. He peered up at her and she had that soft little smile on her face again, the one she wore when he surprised her but made her inordinately pleased. She understood what it meant to have found the 118 as his – their – family. She understood how much having a family again meant to him.
He felt Christopher's head bump into his arm and he glanced down, meeting the kid's bright grin with one of his own. Chris was easily the light of his life and days, and he wasn't ashamed to admit that to anyone who asked.
"Thank you all for sharing," Bobby said and Buck raised his eyes to look towards the Captain, except then he met Eddie's eyes instead and he forgot what it was to breathe. The intensity behind Eddie's gaze, the slight sheen the sparkled under the fairy lights… He wasn't sure what it was that he'd said which made Eddie look at him like that but whatever it was, he needed to either figure it out to get the look more often or to never get it again so he could concentrate and avoid his face feeling overheated. "I- I wanted to say I'm thankful that you're all still here this year but I think that sounds too much like I'm copying Buck."
There were a few chuckles around the table and it broke whatever spell Eddie had cast over him, drawing a nervous smile to Buck's lips as he looked away and found the white ceramic plate in front of him very interesting.
"So I guess I'll just say I'm thankful we're all here, able to enjoy all this food that I'm sure Christopher is very keen to start-"
"Yep!"
"-so let's get into it."
Christopher cheered and everyone, even Buck, laughed at him.
Conversation settled around them all and Buck exchanged words with Maddie when she prodded him to participate, and passed plates back and forth with Eddie to ensure Chris got everything on offer, and felt lulled with a sort of peace that he hadn't felt since probably Christmas last year, before everything had gone to hell with Maddie and Doug, and Eddie and Shannon, and then his leg, and the clot, and the tsunami, and the-
"Buck?"
He blinked and looked down at Christopher hugging his legs, cupping his hand around the curly head of hair. Once the plates had been scraped and stacked for washing, everyone had started milling around and saying farewells and he'd gotten lost in his thoughts. Again.
"Yeah, bud?"
"You wanna come to the aquarium with Dad and me on Sunday?"
His breath caught in his lungs as he peered down at the kid, then looked across to where Eddie was chatting with Hen and Chim and laughing at something Chim had just said, head thrown back and the corner of his eyes creased with amusement. His heart did a jolt and he knew he was smiling too, which he really needed to get rid of before anyone else caught him staring. Like Eddie.
"Does your father know you're inviting me?" he said, crouching by Christopher and wrapping an arm around his back, tucking the kid into his side.
"He won't care," Chris said with a determined nod and tiny pout. "He likes you hanging out with us."
His heart skipped a beat. "Does he?"
"Yup. So you'll come?"
And when Chris asked like that… Who was he to say no?
Eddie wrapped him into a hug before he left that nearly made Buck never want to let go.
"I'm thankful we still have you, Evan," Eddie whispered into his ear, squeezing him tightly. "I'm grateful you're part of my family with Chris."
And Buck…really didn't know what to do with all the feelings that kept leaping around his chest and invaded his stomach.
It hadn't dawned on him, or Eddie, that going to the aquarium with Christopher might be a problem until after they'd paid and descended three steps. Chris was squealing in Eddie's arms as he swung between their arms, and then it hit Buck like a bolt of lightning that he was literally surrounded by water. The glass could crack and then the wave of water would hit him and there'd be shards of glass floating around him and he'd be consumed by the water and-
Eddie found him huddled against a wall several minutes later, grasping at his shirt and struggling to inhale while cursing himself for his stupidity not to think about the issue of water and being underneath it.
Eddie had promised to bring Chris some other time and then they'd gone to a park, watching Chris feed some ducks and make friends with kids on the play equipment like the disruption to his planned excursion wasn't a problem.
Eddie had refused to let him go home to his apartment that night and so they'd shared a bed for the second time in as many weeks, which was as comforting as the first time. Sleeping over regularly was impossible because someone had to look after Christopher, or they were on a shift, or they both needed some space after a tough shift, but Eddie had definitely been texting him more often and frequently called after tucking Christopher into bed, and they'd just talk about…anything, really, until Buck's eyes began to close and he'd drift into an uneasy sleep. It helped him get better rest than when he'd been alone and anxious about sleeping, but it wasn't as good as actually having Eddie's warmth surround him.
Maybe that was why he was so unprepared when he awoke with a start, clawing at sheets and pillows and fabric and whatever thing was holding his shoulders and stopping him from getting out of the bed and moving around to put space between him and the mattress. He could still taste salt in his throat, could still feel the force of the water buffeting him in different directions, could still feel his eyes burning and blood seeping down his cheek.
It took far too long before Eddie's voice started to filter into his awareness. There were fingers moving through his hair, a hand cradling the back of his neck, and some sort of soft Spanish song that might've been a lullaby when he began to comprehend it had just been another nightmare and he wasn't really back in the whirlpool of water. And then he was crumpling into tears, hands clenching into the fabric of Eddie's t-shirt as he sobbed apologies for losing Christopher and putting him in harm's way.
"Buck, you kept him safe," Eddie kept murmuring, keeping Buck somewhat awkwardly held in his lap. "You saved him, remember? You got him away from the pier and you brought him back to me."
"N-No. I lost him and the w-woman-"
"Took care of him while you searched the city," Eddie finished, patient and calm and steady and reassuring. "He's in bed and he'll be awake in the morning demanding waffles or scattering cereal over the table, just like always. He's safe, you're safe. Just breathe, Evan."
He cried until he was exhausted, even more exhausted than when he'd followed Eddie into the room and crawled into his arms to sleep. But, tired as he was, he still dragged himself out of the bed to see Christopher. In the small glow of the nightlight, Buck could see his tiny body beneath the blankets and he could hear his breathy, snuffling inhales and exhales.
"See?" Eddie whispered, arms curving around Buck's waist, hands settling across his stomach, chin hooking over his shoulder to peer into the room too. "He's okay. He's safe and alive and right here."
Buck wasn't sure how long he listened to Chris sleep but by the time he let Eddie lead him back to the bed, he felt calmer and was more willing to accept the comforting embrace as fingers trailed aimless patterns over his back.
Honestly, Buck really hated how many times he kept disintegrating in the middle of the night when he was around Eddie. It almost made him not want to have their little sleepovers just so he could hide what went on in his head better.
~TBC~