TW: Miscarriage
Cora cursed under her breath as she stubbed her toe against the doorframe.
"Fuck" she said, hissing in pain.
She sighed, looking up at the sky, taking a deep breath. It was a gloomy morning in November, the sun was nowhere to be seen, even though the forecast promised some rays of sunshine that week. She crossed her fingers and hoped that the weather turned a little less harsh in a few hours. Maybe that might cheer her up, if not anything else. She carefully stepped down the stairs in front of her house, struggling to balance her handbag, her camera bag and half a dozen files. She unlocked her car and dumped all her things on the passenger seat. She sighed when she closed the door, immediately turning on her car and the heater. She rubbed her hands against each other to stop them from shivering in the cold weather. The sombre sky was a sure sign of a harsher winter to come. Winters had never been her favourite in the UK, especially November. It was ironic though because she immensely enjoyed the festive season, the preparations for the new year, the general chirpiness in the people and the spirit of the holiday season. It was a time to reflect back on the past year and look forward to the new one. But not anymore, not for her at least. November had too many memories attached to it. Memories that always managed to put a dagger in her heart, memories that had scarred her for life.
Her eyes burned and she shook her head and reversed her car. She started driving slowly, knowing that she wasn't due to pick up Phyllis for at least another fifteen minutes. Her neighborhood was almost empty, it was half past eight in the morning, which meant most of the people would be at work, and the children would be off to school. She turned right to the main road and drove sluggishly. She didn't have her usual energy today, her mind and body needed to take it slow. She was lucky to be working with people who understood her position and let her take her time. She was glad to have people like Phyllis and Carson with her who were like her family. She looked at the clock again, she was going to be late if she didn't speed up her car, but she sighed, knowing that Phyllis would understand if she was a couple of minutes late. It wasn't usually like her, but she was only human right?
7th of November. The date sent a shiver up her spine. It had been seven years, but god it still hurt like a bitch. She could still feel the pain in her abdomen that nearly paralyzed her, she could still smell the strong scent of the blood flowing down her legs, and she still remember screaming out to someone when her legs gave away and she fell down on all fours. It had been a horrible day, the most difficult day of her life. The day she lost her unborn baby girl.
It was strange because she did not see it coming in any way. She was fine, the baby was fine, her ultrasounds showed great result, her tiny little baby was growing perfectly, everything had been going well. She could still recall feeling a slight discomfort early that morning, which was nothing new, her doctor had said earlier that the body merely adjusting with the baby growing inside it. So, when on the 7th of November she felt a slight sharp pain in her abdomen, she had no doubt that the baby was just growing and flourishing. Normal pregnancy symptoms, there was nothing to be afraid of. It wasn't until in the afternoon when the sharp pain became a little more intense that she started to worry. She was alone at home that time, she remembered how she held her tiny bump in one hand and reached out to her mobile to call her doctor when she felt something hot and liquidy slide down her legs. Red, bright red blood trickled down her legs and she felt her legs shiver and wobble, her head getting dizzy at the sight of it. Her heart raced uncontrollably when she tried to maintain her balance but fell down on all fours, feeling her body give away. She started screaming due to the panic and the immense pain that shot up and down her body. She slid across the floor to reach her phone, and she could vividly recall the pool of blood down her legs that had stained her baby blue maternity dress. That was the moment she knew something extremely horrible had happened. Tears started falling down her face and blurring her vision when she felt the front door open and Simon walked in after work. He immediately rushed to her asking her a million questions. Questions that she didn't have answers to. She asked him to take her to the hospital and twenty minutes later she remembered lying down on a stretcher, holding her breath as her ears ached to hear a heart beat on the monitor. After what felt like a million years, her doctor shut the monitor and turned towards her with her shoulders slumped. She knew it. She knew it then that she had lost the baby. She had lost her sweet little Mary.
Cora blinked rapidly trying to get rid of the pools of tears that had formed in her eyes. She sniffed and turned left trying to distract herself from the memories of that day. It had been seven years, but it still felt like yesterday. So many questions had haunted her for months after her miscarriage. What could've she done to avoid it? If only she had called earlier. If only she had gone to the hospital earlier. Would her baby still be here if she had rested more? If she had taken time off work earlier? The list of questions never finished and neither did her pain. People around her reassured her that it wasn't her fault, that these things happened, and it was normal. But nothing about it felt normal. How was a mother losing her child ever normal? The pain that it caused her, the dagger that had sliced her heart in two can never be normal. She had a great support system in those days, Phyllis and her mother were always there for her, and they plunged her out of the scary space of 'what ifs'. She had made peace with the fact that there was nothing she could've done to avoid it but the pain still remained. It became easier with time, life never stopped for anyone, no matter how big of a loss it is. She opened PRIME soon after and steered her life in a new direction, but every year on the 7th of November, all that buried pain erupted and hit her just as badly as it did on the day it all happened. She rarely talked about it, she never felt comfortable, and if she was honest, she didn't have anyone to share her pain with. Who would understand? Simon lost a baby as well, and he grieved for it for a few days but then got back on his feet and moved on like nothing had happened. Sometimes she wished she had his mindset and ability to move on with a snap of a finger but she couldn't. Soon afterwards, she knew Simon didn't want to discuss their baby and she knew well enough that he was against the idea of another baby because their doctor had just grabbed Cora's hand, apologized and said that the pregnancy had been complicated. Yes, it was complicated but it wasn't impossible. But for Simon, the discussion had ended there and then. He never wanted children and now he had found just the right excuse to never try again.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, took a deep breath and turned into the street where Phyllis lived. She drove slowly and stopped outside her house. She quickly texted her that she was outside and a minute later, a smiling Phyllis Baxter walked out of her house, making Cora smile for the first time that dreadful morning. Phyllis walked towards the car, and Cora opened the door for her, seeing that she was carrying two big bags, and two mugs in her hands.
"Good morning" said Phyllis, handing Cora a mug of coffee with a lid on.
Cora smiled at her as she took the mug. Phyllis was always so considerate and kind, she made sure that Cora always had everything she needed, whether or not she asked for it.
"Thank you for this" said Cora as she took a sip.
Phyllis smiled at her and put on her seat belt when Cora hit the accelerator and drove away from the house. A comfortable silence took over the car. Cora drove in silence and Phyllis utilized that time to check her emails.
Cora stopped at a red light and took a few more sips of her coffee when Phyllis looked at her and smiled. Cora knew that smile; it was a sad-but-trying-not-to-look-sad smile of her.
"You feel okay?" she finally asked.
Cora smiled softly and looked ahead. A few moments later she nodded softly.
"Yeah, I'm fine" she replied.
Phyllis patted her hand softly and Cora covered her hand with hers, reassuring her that she'd be alright. Phyllis understood, so she didn't ask anything more. She knew that November's were always hard for Cora, especially the 7th.
The signal turned green and Cora started driving again.
"So, what all do we all scheduled today?" she asked.
Phyllis gulped down her last few sips of coffee and unlocked her phone "First we have a meeting with Edith and Robert Crawley"
Cora nodded.
"Then we have to shoot the staff in the kitchens" said Phyllis.
"Oh, alright" said Cora "Oh, by the way, did we get any confirmation on whether we have to take pictures of Valarie Crawley for the website?"
Phyllis shook her head "I've no idea, I was going to ask Edith today"
Cora nodded.
A few seconds later, Phyllis chuckled.
Cora looked at her from her peripheral view. "What's so funny?" she asked.
Phyllis smiled "I just saw her Instagram post a couple of days; her dressing sense really is something"
Cora furrowed her eyebrows "Whose?" she asked.
"Valarie Crawley's. It was their anniversary apparently"
"Oh" replied Cora distantly.
She had no idea that it had been their anniversary. She wondered why Robert never mentioned it and how come she had missed seeing it on Instagram. She gulped down her coffee and sighed. Well, she did have a lot of other things on her mind.
Around 9.15 AM, Cora and Phyllis walked in the meeting room where Edith sat waiting for them.
"Oh, good morning" said Edith who put her laptop aside and smiled.
"Good morning" said Phyllis.
"Good morning, Edith" replied Cora.
They both sat down next to her and put their things on the desk. Edith looked at the number of bags and files wide-eyed and chuckled.
"Long day ahead?" she asked.
"The usual" said Phyllis.
Edith chuckled and opened her laptop.
Cora was glad Phyllis was taking control of all the talking that moment. She really didn't feel like chatting and laughing along, like she usually did. Cora smiled softly from afar, making sure she didn't look rude and opened one of her files.
"Oh, Papa is just coming. I think he got a call from Granny" said Edith, looking at Cora.
Cora nodded softly at her and sat more comfortably in her seat.
A moment later, Robert walked in the meeting room. He walked in and placed his phone back in his pocket, a sign that he only just got off the phone call. His eyes immediately landed on Cora and he gave her a big smile, a smile that Cora tried her best to imitate. He smiled at Edith and Phyllis and joined them at the table.
"Sorry, that was the boss" he joked, looking at Cora, no doubt waiting for her to giggle at his silly joke.
Cora smiled at him and nodded.
"Is Granny here?" asked Edith.
"No, she'll be in tomorrow" replied Robert.
"So, what are we discussing?" he asked as Edith turned on the projector that connected to her laptop.
"Just an update on what all has been done, and the plan for the next few months" she replied.
She turned on the projector and the screen showed all the things that PRIME had done so far and the things already in the pipeline. The right side on the screen showed the things already achieved and the list was quite long and impressive.
"That is great work!" said Robert, clearly impressed. He looked at Cora, who smiled at him.
"When do you think we can start posting the videos?" asked Edith.
Edith turned to Cora, who opened her mouth to speak but luckily Phyllis took over and Cora smiled at her. She noticed Robert staring at her for a moment longer than normal, and she knew that he had seen that she looked a little off today. Cora gulped down and tried her best to look chirpy and happy, like she usually did. She didn't want people noticing her gloominess.
"I think by the end of this month, we've already started editing on a few. Right, Cora?" asked Phyllis.
Cora who was busy trying to look put together, snapped her head in Phyllis' direction, momentarily lost on the conversation that was taking place.
"Um" she said, scratching her temple "Yes, by the end of this month, for sure" she said looking at Edith.
"Right" said Edith "So today is the 7th of November, so should I just slot in the first week of December as the possible upload week?" she asked.
Cora felt visibly uncomfortable at the mention of the date, but nodded at Edith.
"Okay, that is perfect" said Edith, typing on her laptop.
Cora opened her file to look at the monthly schedule and she could feel Robert's eyes on her from her peripheral view. The stare made her feel more anxious, but she softly shook her head. She had to be a professional. She needed to look put together, there was no need to bring her personal problems to work.
A few minutes later, Molesley, the head waiter walked in the room with four cups of tea.
"Perfect timing, Molesley" said Edith as he placed the tray on the table.
Molesley grinned and cleared up the table, picking up the empty glasses that were placed there before Cora and Phyllis walked in.
"Anything else, Ma'am?" asked Molesley, raising his eyes.
"No that'll be all, thank you" said Robert.
Molesley smiled and nodded, then turned around and started walking towards the door. He had seven glasses in his hands and his eyes were fixated on the door in front of him, he walked a couple of steps, keeping his gaze on the door when he missed the chair on his right. He stubbed his toe against the hard wood of the chair and in the efforts of trying to save the glasses, his foot twisted, losing all balance and fell face down on the marble floor.
Cora heard a loud crash, and her head snapped into his direction.
"Oh god, Molesley" said Robert, immediately getting up from his seat and running towards him.
Cora, Edith and Phyllis got up from their seats as well to see what had happened.
Robert helped Molesley turn around on the floor and Cora immediately felt sick. Her legs giving away at the sight in front of her. Molesley's hands were covered in blood. He had tried to cushion the fall by landing palms down and his hands had come in contact with the broken glass, making several cuts that now bled aggressively.
"Molesley, are you alright?" asked Edith who joined Robert, in the efforts to help him.
Molesley clumsily nodded and looked around himself, horrified at the sight in front of him. The blood had made its way to the tiles, marking them and his clothes badly. Splotches of blood could be seen on the floor, the deep red heavily contrasting against the cream-colored tiles.
Cora stared at the sight in front of her and felt goosebumps all over her body, her breathing got heavy and she felt herself hyperventilating. Phyllis grabbed her arm and pushed her aside and walked towards Molesley with a napkin.
"Here" said Phyllis, covering his bleeding hands with a napkin that stained almost as quickly as it was put on.
Cora stared at Molesley's hands and the pool of blood on the floor, and scenes of her miscarriage flashed in front of her eyes. The smell of the blood, the panic, and the stained clothes, it all came back to her. She took a deep breath and held the back of her chair for support. She wanted to run and help the poor man, but her legs wouldn't move. Instead she stared at him and tried her best not to fall down. The voices around her started to phase out, as if she was hearing them from under water. She blinked aggressively, trying to stay in the present but failing terribly in trying to do so. She felt as if she was hallucinating, because she could swear, she could see herself on that floor instead of Molesley, looking around her just as horrified as he was
"I'll ask Andy to call an ambulance" said Edith as she rushed out the room.
"Molesley, are you hurt anywhere else?" asked Robert, looking at him with a worried expression on his face. The poor waiter got hurt pretty badly.
Molesley clumsily shook his head as Robert tried to help him up. Phyllis joined him.
The napkin that Phyllis had placed on Molesley's hands was now almost completely stained.
"Oh, we'll need another one. Cora, can you pass a napkin?" asked Robert, as he tried to cover Molesley's hands, trying to stop the pressure of the blood.
Cora who was miles away from the present time just stared at the scene that took place in front of her.
"Cora?" she heard again.
"Cora, are you-" she heard her name once more.
It took her a few moments to register where the voice was coming from. She looked up at Robert, who was staring at her as if she a person not in her right senses.
"What?" her voice came out like a soft whisper.
"I'll get it" said Phyllis as she rushed to Cora's side to grab a new napkin. She passed one towards Robert and grabbed Cora's hand from behind her, trying to hide the obviousness of her distress. She saw Robert stare at her, but he quickly turned towards Molesley and wrapped another napkin around his hands.
Within a few moments, Edith rushed in with Andy and two more men, who helped Molesley out of the room. Two more members of the staff walked in to clean up the mess in the room.
Robert wiped his stained hands with a fresh napkin and looked at Cora. He looked worried and cautiously walked towards Cora and Phyllis.
"Are you alright?" he asked, looking at Cora.
Cora gulped and nodded, trying her best to appear alright "Yes, I'm fine. Sorry, I'm just squeamish about blood" she replied and faintly smiled at him.
Robert stared at her skeptically, not convinced by her response when Edith walked back in.
She looked around the room where the hotel staff had started cleaning.
"Well, I guess the meeting is postponed now" she replied with a sigh.
"Is he alright?" asked Phyllis.
Edith nodded "I think so, I'll let you know when he comes back" she said grabbing her laptop and leaving the room.
Robert opened his mouth to say something but his phone rang just that moment. He hesitatingly picked it up, and Cora and Phyllis walked out of the room.
"You okay?" asked Phyllis, as soon as they left the room.
Cora sighed shakily "Yeah" she lied.
Robert sat in his office, absent-mindedly playing with a pen. He had a meeting in an hour, and he had loads to go through before it started but his mind was miles away from work and meetings. What happened with Molesley a few hours ago was disturbing, but he was glad to know that he was alright and that the blood had stopped. But his mind wasn't on Molesley or his wounds, his mind was on the person that had occupied his brain for most of the past week. The conversation with Rosamund on his anniversary was still fresh in his mind, and he was almost scared to really think over his feelings and friendship with Cora, terrified that he might get answers that won't particularly settle well with him. He walked in the meeting today with a good mood. After a relaxing weekend, he was excited about the new week, with a number of meetings and plans lined up for the hotel. Starting with his recent favourite biggest achievement, the company PRIME. Company that belonged to Cora. He was excited to meet her again, but the moment he entered the room, he knew something wasn't right. He could sense it in the energy of the room. He looked at Cora and gave her a smile and she smiled back, but he was sure he saw a slight hesitancy in her smile, as if it was partly forced. But he didn't pay it much attention and made a silly joke, which in normal circumstance was usually received with a little smirk from her end, but he saw it again; that forced smile. He wondered if everything was alright? Throughout the meeting, it was mostly Phyllis and Edith that did the talking, and Cora only added when it was absolutely necessary. Usually it was the other way around, and a part of him wondered if it was because of him. He thought back to their last conversation, it was their spontaneous night out, and it had ended on a wonderful note. Was she faced with a moral dilemma like he was? Did she regret it? All these questions popped in his head, but something told him that her odd behavior wasn't because of him. She was mentally somewhere else throughout the meeting and he could see that she tried her best to stay present and smile her way through it all, until Molesley's accident. When he asked her to pass him a napkin, it was as if Cora's soul had left her body, like someone else was residing in it. Her face looked extremely pale, and her eyes looked as if they'd seen a ghost. He was more disturbed looking at her, than he was looking at Molesley, who was oozing out bottles of blood. He wondered if she was sick? He sighed, now slightly agitated with all the questions. She was only human, she was allowed to feel down from time to time, but it gnawed at him, not knowing the reason for her sorrows.
He turned in his swivel chair, closing his eyes momentarily, trying to stop his brain from cooking up all sorts of irrational thoughts, when he heard a knock on his door.
"Come in" he said, keeping his eyes closed. It had to be Mrs Hughes or one of his kids.
He heard the sound of heels clicking against the floor, when he opened his eyes wondering who had entered his room. Usually, his children announced themselves. He looked towards the door and the person that had been occupying his mind the entire time, walked in, looking downcast and distant. Her green shirt struggling to give some freshness to her outlook.
"Cora" he said, sitting straighter in his chair and turning towards her.
She gave him a soft smile "Sorry, are you busy?" she asked.
Robert smiled at her and shook his head, getting up from his seat "Not at all" he said, clearing up his desk that had several files scattered around it.
Cora walked two steps further and sighed softly, as if finding the energy to speak. His heart ached looking at her, but he held his tongue, scared to say something out of line.
"I take we have to postpone the photoshoot for the kitchen staff today as well?" she said, wrapping one arm around her belly, gripping on her other elbow.
"Mr Molesley is obviously not in a state for pictures, and two of your staff members went with him, so I'm guessing we'll do it tomorrow?" she further explained.
Robert stared at her and she further clarified.
"I was looking for Edith but she's nowhere to be found, so I thought I'd ask you" she said.
Robert shook his head slightly, still distracted by how downcast she looked "Yes, yes, of course. Whatever suits you and the staff"
Cora nodded and stood there awkwardly, waiting for Robert to say something. Robert gulped, thinking of something to say.
Cora sighed softly and gave him a faint smile "I'll take my leave" she said after a moment.
She turned around and walked a few steps when Robert found the courage to speak up. He might as well end his misery, and hers too if it was possible for him.
"Cora" he said and he saw her turn around and stare at him.
Robert cautiously walked towards her, hoping not to offend her in any way by his words. He met her halfway and stared at her again, and sighed.
"Are you alright? Really?" he asked.
Cora opened her mouth and then stopped, giving him the faintest of smiles, the kind that would disappear in a blink of an eye. He could sense that she was trying to hide whatever was tormenting her.
"I'm alright, Robert" she said, smiling once again.
Robert stared at her again, and sighed.
He nodded slightly looking down "It's only that when Molesley got wounded, you looked very disturbed and upset…and I just.." he stopped mid-sentence, seeing that Cora had already opened her mouth, trying to convince him otherwise.
"I told you, blood just…it just" she sighed, shaking her head. She had that far off look in her eyes again, the same kind when she looked at the blood earlier. "It just makes me squeamish" she finished her sentence, her voice barely audible to him.
Robert sighed, looking how upset she was getting. He walked to his right, and fixed two glasses of scotch. It was barely after noon, but what the hell. He walked towards Cora and passed her one glass. She looked at him cautiously, no doubt weighing the idea in her head as well, but she sighed and took the glass from him.
"It's alright, if you don't want to share. I won't press you" he said.
He brought his glass nearer his lips when he saw her eyes turning glassy, filling with tears that she tried so hard to hide. She sighed and walked towards his room's window to get some fresh air.
She walked towards the window that showed the view of the massive gardens. He saw her take a deep breath and he slowly walked towards her, standing next to her without speaking.
He saw her gulp down half her drink in one go, wincing momentarily at the strong taste and then stare out at the lush green gardens silently. She looked far away from the present, her slumped shoulders showed her exhaustion, suddenly making her look ten years older her age. He rested his back against the window's grill and took a sip from his glass. He could see that she was contemplating something, possibly wondering if it was a good idea to share whatever was troubling her. He didn't press her on or say anything. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, he just wanted to take away her pain. They stood there in silence for a few more minutes, both of them taking in the fresh air from outside. She took another big sip of her drink, almost finishing it this time and sighed shakily, her body shivering momentarily, as if dreading to say the words out loud that were torturing her so.
"A few years ago..I had a miscarriage. This day" she said, still staring out in the distance.
Robert froze on the spot. He was stunned and just stared at her. Cora had a miscarriage. The word made him slightly dizzy. He had never known anyone who'd been through such a big tragedy. He couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child. And that too her only child. He stared at her until he realized that he hadn't taken a breath in a while. He took a soft breath, trying to take in the information.
Cora's eyes brimmed with fresh tears, but refused to trickle down her eyes.
"It was a few years ago, but it's still very painful, especially this day" she continued, still keeping her gaze outside, as if looking at Robert would break her completely.
Robert sighed; his heart ached for her. He didn't know what to say. What could he possibly say to someone who has lost their child? This had to be the most painful things a person could ever experience. He had three daughters, and he could never imagine losing them. He would die, he knew it. He would die without them. He stared at Cora, and sighed. He put his hand on top of her free hand, that was gripping the grill of the window. He just held her hand, he didn't caress it or try to take her full hand. She didn't need sympathy, and she didn't need someone's support, he knew her enough to know that. He just had to listen to her and be there for her.
"It was seven years ago. I know it might sound silly to some people but today…today when I saw the blood, it just…" she said, her eyes finally letting go of the tears that had accumulated in her big blue eyes. Eyes that had lost their sweet innocence and were revealing the pain that she had buried so deeply, under the façade of her positivity.
"Oh god, Cora" the words tumbled out of his mouth, not knowing what else to say to her.
She had lost her child and on the same date she had to witness the sight of blood. God. She was really being tested. It broke his heart. He could never imagine the trauma she went through and then to have to relive it all again on the day the memory was most painful. He wished he had the ability to turn back time and stop her from seeing that. No wonder she looked as shaken as she had earlier. That must have been horrifying for her.
"I am so sorry, Cora" he said.
Cora gulped down the last few sips of her drink. She stared at her empty glass and finally turned towards him, looking at him eye to eye for the first time since this conversation started. She handed him the empty glass and stared at his half full one. Robert passed him his glass and put aside hers. She needed a drink way more than he needed one.
She took a sip from his glass and stared outside once again.
"I can't imagine the pain you and your husband went through" he said, still trying to digest the information.
Cora let out a small, dry chuckle and turned around to face him. Robert wondered what had happened.
"Maybe not mine, but…." she said and walked a few steps in the room, away from him. Robert could see a sudden spark of rage in her and looked her way wide eyed.
She took another sip, walking furiously from one end of the room to another.
"You see" she said, turning towards him "Simon never wanted children, I told you right?" she asked, not waiting for him to reply. Her voice louder than before. The aggression seeping through every syllable.
She took another sip and sniffed, walking towards him. A new batch of tears forming in her eyes, threatening to fall any moment. Her anger and pain mingling together, fighting to take the upper hand. She finally stopped close to him and looked his way.
"Robert, I.." she said, finally breaking down, letting go of all her social qualms "I begged him, you know" her voice cracked and her tone was softer than before. It sounded of a person who had given up on everything. Robert could hear her pain and desperation in each word.
She moved closer to him, thumping her chest with her fingers once "I begged him for a baby. He didn't want one, but I begged him" she said, her cheeks now wet with tears.
Robert felt his throat clog, his eyes welling up at the sight in front of him.
"I begged him for baby, and he didn't want one and when I finally.." she said turning around once again, walking a few steps away from him and then turning around one more time to face him from afar, her voice cracking as she tried to complete her sentence "and when I finally had one….I lost it" she said, her arm falling down flatly, as if giving up.
"I lost it" she said again, sniffing.
Robert looked at her, fixated on his spot, wondering why such a beautiful human being had been so horribly tested in her life. He was numb, but his heart ached so badly, he could almost feel it breaking. Cora, his beautiful, wonderful, always positive friend had gone through such horrible times. He wondered how she was still so positive and full of life, always ready to help others. Someone who didn't have a bad bone in her body. Someone who had completely changed his outlook on his work, life and lifestyle. Someone so precious, so unjustly tested by life.
Cora sniffed once again and walked towards Robert's desk to grab a tissue. She walked defeatedly and pulled out two tissues from the box, putting the glass in her hand on the table. She wiped her eyes from a corner as she stared at the frame on Robert's desk. She picked up a family photo of the Crawley's. The one with him, his wife and his girls. He saw her stare at the picture for a moment and she smiled, putting the frame back down on the desk. She turned her head towards him, her eyes now red with tears.
"I had decided to name her Mary. Mary Cora Bricker" she said in a hushed tone.
Robert felt a dagger in his heart, a shaky breath left his body, he felt like screaming for all the injustice she had witnessed in her life. She had decided to name her sweet daughter Mary and she lost her. Robert imagined if it had been his Mary, he wasn't sure if he could've survived the loss. He blinked a few times, only realizing that when tears formed in his eyes had started to blur his vision.
"We had just found out the gender, and I was so excited it was a girl. I knew it from that moment on that she was a Mary" she said, as her voice cracked, and her body started shivering. An uncontrollable sob erupted from her throat, and this time she couldn't contain it so she let go. She hid her face behind her hands, her shoulders shook as she tried to control her tears.
Robert felt a sob forming in his throat as well and he quickly walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. She let him hug her and she slowly hugged him back, with all the little strength she had. He caressed her head softly, as he tried to calm her down. His blue dress shirt quickly drenched in her tears.
"I am so sorry, Cora" he said, his voice barely audible "I am so sorry" he said again.
They held each other for a few more moments, Cora slowly calmed down. She slowly pulled her head up and looked at him. Robert stared in her tears strained eyes and wished he could wipe away all the pain from them for eternity. He wished he could protect her from all the pain in the world. His heart ached seeing her like this. He had never felt someone's pain like this and just the second-hand feelings made him want to bawl his eyes out. He had never felt like that ever, and he wasn't sure what to make of his feelings. He just knew that it crushed his heart seeing her like this. How cruel was it that such a beautiful person had to go through such a tremendous tragedy? How was any of this fair?
Robert continued staring in her eyes and wanted to wipe her tears from the pads of his thumbs but resisted the urge, not wanting to cross a line in their friendship.
Robert gulped as he looked into her eyes, staring at her wet eyelashes, that softly touched the arch of her brow every time she blinked, hiding her beautiful blue orbs under the lid.
His time to admire the art that were her eyes quickly ended when Cora's phone rang in her pocket. She quickly pulled away from him. A loss that his body sorely missed instantly. She sighed and picked up her phone.
"Yeah?" she said, clearing her throat and answering the call "Yes, I'm just coming, Phyllis"
She ended the call and looked at him, not saying anything for a moment.
"Thank you listening" she finally said to him, giving him a hint of her real smile.
He smiled back at her softly "Thank you for sharing" he replied, very honestly.
She nodded and walked out the door.
When he heard the door shut, he turned in his step, taking a loud deep breath, and covering his face with his hands. He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed. He had discovered a whole other side of Cora, a side that he was sure only a handful had seen, a side that was hurt and scarred badly. The conversation replayed in his head and he walked towards the window to take in some fresh air. This all had been overwhelming and he couldn't contain his bubbling anger for all the horrific things she'd had to face in life. He wished he had the power to change that, he wished he could take away all her pain and sorrow. He hated to see someone who had had such a positive influence on his life, suffer in silence like this. He wished he could do something, he wished he could bring back her Mary.
He sighed, knowing that he didn't have the power to do that. He looked outside the window once again and took a deep breath. A moment later an idea came to his head. He quickly grabbed his phone and called just the person who could help him. He only hoped that his plan would be well received.
The next day, Cora sighed, exiting the elevator that had come to a halt in the lobby. She adjusted her handbag carefully on her shoulder, glad that all the other equipment was with Phyllis and Carson who were wrapping up the remaining of the shoot downstairs in the kitchen. Cora had spent the four hours post lunch time of the hotel to shoot the staff. Thankfully, Molesley had recovered enough to be a part of the shoot. His hands were obviously still injured, but the waiters had to put their hands behind their backs anyway so it didn't matter. It was nearly sunset time, and Cora was ready to take her leave to go back to her office to finish some paperwork. She walked in the lobby, waving a hand to Anna, the receptionist who waved back at her from behind the reception box. Her entire day had been really busy, and she was in the basement for the most of it and didn't get a chance to go upstairs and meet everyone else. And if she was honest, she did feel a little strange going up that day. She was a little conscious of meeting everyone, post her panic attack yesterday in the meeting room.
Her mind drifted to Robert. Robert, sweet, kind Robert. Never in a million years she ever thought that she'd share something so personal with anyone besides the people that already knew about it all. But when yesterday, Robert asked her, her pain bubbled up, boiled and spilled out of her mouth. The feelings that she had bottled in for so many years burst out of her mouth. She always avoided talking about the subject, because the people that already knew, knew how she felt and had been her therapists for many years. They all knew how she felt. But obviously, no one could understand her pain unless they had been through something this tragic themselves. And the one person that experienced the loss with her, had been long over it and didn't care to discuss and grieve it anymore. So, she was left alone, with her only option being burying it all down, grieving silently and pretending in front of the world like nothing had happened.
But when Robert asked her, she couldn't help it. The incident with Molesley yesterday and shaken her badly. She had spent the next hour just trying to stop herself from shivering. She was glad to have Phyllis with her, to help her calm down but it had shaken her to the core. Another hour down, she convinced herself to get back to work, and when another hour later she finally stepped out her office to start the shoot, she realized that it wasn't possible because Molesley and two more staff members weren't in the hotel. She decided to ask Robert what she should do. She stepped in his room, with the intention to walk out with the instructions on what she was supposed to be doing but instead she ranted her heart out. Speaking in a manner like she had never spoken before.
Oh, and she cried, she yelled, and she broke down completely. She let out all the things she had bottled in for some many years burst out and she didn't care. For some odd reason, she had this blind trust in Robert, despite not knowing him for too long. She trusted him, and she had an inkling that he wouldn't react in the generic way that people usually did; offering sympathy and pitying her.
And she was right, he let her speak, he let her yell, he let her cry, he allowed her to be free. He stood there, intently listening to her every word, without any interruption and just letting her be. She needed that. Oh god, she needed that. She didn't even know that an outburst was bubbling inside her, she was only glad that it happened in front of a person that she trusted enough not to make her feel bad for doing so. She hoped so anyway.
He hugged her then, and she cried her eyes out, ruining his shirt completely. She let him hug her, she needed that comfort and support to stand still as well. Later, she looked at him and was sure that he was about to say something when her phone rang, bringing her back to the drudgery of real life. When she got back home, she thought over all that had happened, and even though she strangely felt no regret pouring out her heart to him, she did feel a little embarrassed for unloading all this on him without warning. So partly, she was glad to avoid him for another day so they could both have time to digest what happened in his office.
Cora neared the glass door of the lobby to leave when her phone dinged, signaling a text message. She stopped and unlocked her iPhone to see a text from Robert.
"Hi, are you still here?" The message said.
Cora chewed her lower lip, wondering what he wanted and quickly typed a reply.
"Hey! Yes, I'm in the lobby. Was just leaving. Why?"
She sent him a reply within thirty seconds of his text. Before she had time to think about the matter further, her phone dinged again.
"Wait! I'm just coming"
Cora read the message and wondered what was going on. She waited awkwardly near the door and witnessed two minutes later, Robert rushing down the stairs on the left side with his phone in hand. Cora felt a little giggle, she hoped that he didn't run down several floors, when there was an elevator right next to him.
Within a few seconds, Robert spotted her and sprinted towards her.
"Hi" he said, his breath slightly labored from all the running.
Cora smiled at him and readjusted her hand bag "Hi, everything alright?" she asked.
Robert smiled softly at her and gulped down. Cora could sense that he was a little nervous about whatever this was all about.
"Um, do you have a minute. I wanted to show you something?" he asked, chewing his lower lip, looking slightly tensed.
If Cora was honest, she would much rather delay whatever it was to another day but the look on his face suggested that he was eager to show her whatever it was, at the moment.
Cora nodded softly after a few seconds "Yes, sure" she said, turning around to walk towards the elevator.
"No wait" Robert put his hand out to stop her.
Cora looked at him, waiting for him to clarify.
"Come with me" he said and walked out the lobby towards the gardens.
Cora followed him outside, wondering what was happening.
The weather outside was finally matching the description of the forecast that she had heard for this week. She walked outside on the gravel, and could feel the winter sun out shining in the sky, making everyone and everything glow around the place. The sun was about to set in a few minutes, it was the golden hour and Cora could see the waiters outside in the gardens clearing up the tables and the chairs for the high-tea that had only just wrapped up an hour ago. Cora walked on the gravel behind Robert, wondering where he was taking her. She spotted Robert turn around a couple of times to make sure she was following him. They walked a little further in, away from the gardens dedicated for high-tea and other activities.
Cora followed him silently, she wasn't terribly curious to ask him where he was taking her, trusting him enough to be sensible with the surprises. Cora spotted the massive, tall trees on the left and right side of the gardens, and slowly reached the archway where Robert had told her Rosamund got married. But that wasn't the place he was taking her as he continued walking. They walked a few more meters, leaving behind all the guests and staff far away from them. Cora then started to wonder what all was happening, when she spotted the lake in near sight, and concluded in her head that that might be their final destination and so it was.
Robert slowed down his walk when he reached the glorious lake that shone under the orange-y sky. He turned around and waited for her to catch up to him. Cora gave him a soft smile and walked nearer him. The lake in front of them was beautifully embellished with white roses all around it, only adding to the beauty of it all. Cora had never been this close to the lake; she had only seen pictures of it on the website and she smiled admiring the breathtaking beauty of it all. There were a few benches placed every few steps around the lake, surely for the guests to sit down and relax on. There were also around a dozen marble pillars circling the edges of the lake behind the bushes and the white roses. The pillars towered up to the height of her knees. Each grey colored marble pillar had a warm light installed on top of it, which no doubt lit up every night after the sun went down. Cora could only imagine how beautiful it would be at night as well.
Cora looked at him and gave him a faint smile, absolutely clueless to why they were there. Did he want to discuss a shoot there?
"What are we doing here?" she asked.
Robert took a deep breath and looked at her for a moment, and Cora had a feeling something unexpected was about to be thrown her way. Maybe something to do with what she had said yesterday. She had no idea really, but the look on his face suggested that this wasn't about work.
Robert put his hand out to her and she looked at it and then back to him, contemplating if it was appropriate to take it. She wasn't sure what was happening but she put her hand in his, trusting him. She walked two steps closer to him and Robert took a deep breath and stared into her eyes, and she felt as if he could see through her soul. It was unnerving but also felt extremely comforting. He stared at her for another second and Cora felt her heart beat out of her chest and goosebumps up her arm that he was holding.
"Cora" he finally said.
Cora continued to look at him, waiting for him to continue, not daring to say anything back.
"What you confessed in me yesterday..I can't imagine what you went through" he finally finished his sentence.
Cora let out a soft sigh; a part of her knew it had to do something with what happened yesterday. She moved her gaze down, now feeling a little more embarrassed for her unexpected breakdown yesterday. She felt Robert caress the back of her hand that he was holding, to let her know that it was okay. It was as if he could read her mind. Cora felt another wave of goosebumps travel up her arm, but she finally looked up and leveled with his eye. She knew he didn't judge her, and that was enough for her. She softly nodded at him to continue what he was saying.
"You are so strong, Cora. So strong" he said.
Cora now felt her eyes burn, but stopped herself from crying once again in his presence.
"..And I just wish I could take your pain away" he continued.
Cora sniffed softly. He really was the sweetest man she had ever met.
Cora felt him tighten his grip on her hand.
"I wish I could bring your Mary back" he added.
Cora closed her eyes at the mention and looked down at their intertwined hands. The pain of her loss bubbled up in her chest once again.
"But I can't" he added disappointedly.
Cora looked up at him once again and smiled softly, assuring him that it was alright.
Robert sighed once again "But I wanted you to have this" he said.
Cora looked at him wide-eyed, waiting for him to show what he wanted her to have. Robert took two steps to her right, revealing one of the marble pillars behind him. Cora looked at the pillar with confusion, since it looked exactly like all the other pillars around the lake.
Robert tugged on her hand, indicating her to move forward and in front of the pillar. Cora took two steps to move in front of the pillar and then her eyes landed on what Robert had been meaning to show her. She felt her breath hitch in her throat. Her burning eyes now brimmed with tears. Cora gazed down and stared at the pillar and then looked at Robert, her legs shaking as she kneeled down to the height of the pillar and balanced on her toe, caressing the pillar, and holding it for support. There was an inscription on the pillar, with the same color as of the marble, that read...
In the memory of
MCB
Cora grazed her fingers on the inscription on the cold marble and felt a sob erupt in her throat. Her eyes watered again, blurring her vision and she blinked hastily, not wanting to take her eyes off the writing. The words ringed in her head again and again, and her lower lip started quivering with the overwhelming emotions. She never got to see her child, because she lost her so early on that there was nothing to see, really. Hence, she never got to bury her child or have a resting place for her. But this, this filled her heart with so much love and warmth and pain that she physically had to stop herself from bursting into tears.
She looked up at Robert once again, still unsure of what she was seeing and then looked back at the writing, and a loud sob escaped her mouth.
Robert just stood next to the pillar, letting her have her moment and her time. After a few minutes, she heard a sniff from his side, he was clearly emotional about it as well, and she only wondered what she did to deserve him in her life.
"I wanted you to have this place in her memory. I know she will always be in your heart and be with you, but I wanted you to have a place to come to as well" he said slowly, choosing each word carefully.
Cora kept looking at the writing in front of her speechless, feeling the tears trickle down her eyes.
"I just had her initials written for your privacy" he added.
Cora felt another wave of emotions leap up inside her and she closed her eyes, forcing the tears accumulated in her eyes to slide down her cheeks. He barely knew her a few months and he did more for her than anyone had ever done for her. What had she done in her life to have someone like him enter it when she least expected?
"I know it's not much but..I..just.." he said, now sounding desperate to make her feel complete.
Cora finally looked up at him, seeing how distressed he was getting seeing her in this state. She could see how genuinely he cared and felt for her. And why? Why? He didn't owe anything to her, he wasn't related to her. He didn't lose someone close to him, but he still did something so special for her. Why? She knew why. Because he was a sweet, kind, wonderful man who cared deeply for the people that mattered to him. She'd seen him with his family, she was a witness to his kindness and generosity. She just never imagined that she would be a part of that lucky list. Cora felt another sob escape her mouth. She closed her eyes, not believing what all was happening. Her lips quivered again and she sniffed.
"I wish I could…I hope this.." added Robert, looking at her, struggling to say something to help her.
Cora immediately leapt to her feet, her body shaking as she broke down for the second time in front of him in two days. She dawdled towards him, struggling to find the physical energy to run. She walked towards him as fast as she could.
"Oh, Robert" she cried out, putting out her arms and taking him into a hug. She closed the distance between them with a crash. Her head landing on his shoulder and her hands clinging to his back. She wasn't sure if it was for him or for her, but that was the only thing she could think of doing in such a vulnerable state.
She wrapped her arms around him, holding onto him tightly. She hid her face in the crook of his neck, once again drenching his coat in her tears. She felt him wrap his arms around her shoulder and her waist; hugging her just as strongly.
Cora felt her body and her insides immediately warm up and she closed her eyes. If she could, she would stay like this forever. Her tears continued to fall down on his coat but she didn't care, and neither did he. Cora could feel his heart beat on her chest and she sighed into his shoulder, exhaling shakily. She was too emotional to think, too emotional to say anything, so she just hugged him and wondered if she could ever repay him for what he did for her.
The sun behind them had nearly set; the golden sky was slowly leaking into a bluer one and the warm lights on the marble pillars started lighting up one by one, indicating the arrival of the evening.
Cora finally pulled herself away from him, desperate to thank him for everything he did for her. She looked in his eyes and she could see that he genuinely cared for her and was upset because she was so down. She didn't know such kind people existed still, and she felt like pinching herself to make sure this was all real. He stared at her with such innocence in his eyes, that she wanted to cry out one more time but she controlled herself.
She wiped her eyes from the back of her hand and sniffed, taking her time to find the right words to thank him.
"I" she said "I don't know how to thank you..Robert, you've…" she sniffed again "How can I ever thank you for this?" she asked, failing to describe what she felt in words.
Robert smiled at her, the last few rays of sun reflected on the back of his head and Cora could swear he looked like an angel sent on Earth just for her.
"Just be happy" he said to her smiling "That is how you can repay me"
Cora took a soft breath and continued to look at him, now speechless at his words, kindness and generosity. How could someone be so selfless and sweet, she could only wonder.
A few minutes later, the sky now turned completely blue, all the lamps around the lake now lit up, reflecting the light on the surface of the clear water. They were the only two people there. They chose to sit down on the grass next to the pillar that now belonged to Cora and her baby. They both sat silently on the grass, watching the blue sky change its colors to deeper shades as the night approached.
Robert looked to his right at Cora who was mentally miles away somewhere. He saw her shiver slightly as the weather turned cooler. Robert smiled at her, knowing well enough her mind wasn't in the present. He removed his suit jacket and put it on her shoulder. He felt Cora come back to present and look his way. She gave him a small smile and put her arms through the sleeves, sighing when she felt the warmth envelope her.
"Thank you" she said and looked out at the sky once again.
Robert chewed his lower lip, contemplating if he should ask the question that was circling his mind for the past fifteen minutes. He sighed, willing to risk it. Their friendship had leapt twenty steps ahead in the past one hour anyway.
"Cora?" he called her out.
She looked his way.
"You both never tried for another child?" he asked.
He saw her look down as she sighed. She waited a few seconds and shook her head "No" she said "The doctor said it was complicated" she finished, emphasizing on the word 'complicated'.
She sighed once more, and Robert sensed that she wasn't finished.
"But it wasn't life threatening level of complication. It just meant that we had to be a little extra careful. It was possible for me to have a baby. I know it" she said and then looked at him "But Simon didn't want to risk it. He never wanted children anyway, so he flat out refused to discuss the topic ever"
Robert awkwardly nodded and looked out to the lake. He wasn't sure when exactly he met this Simon Bricker or what his opinion was on him before, but he hated his guts at that moment. Of course, he would never say those words out loud, because he was sure Cora would slap him and never talk to him again. But he could never imagine depriving her of such an immense joy. His life's biggest joy was his girls. If he took them out of the picture, his life was as bland as a plain bowl of cold porridge. He could not decipher exactly why, but Cora's story hit him really hard and he genuinely just wanted to help her in whatever way it was possible. He knew Cora was an extremely strong and independent woman who didn't need anyone to lean on, but such matters of the heart always needed a companion and it angered him to know that her husband wasn't willing to do his bit and have a child together. He was sure he would have his reasons but it baffled him thinking if they were really worth the pain his wife suffered?
"I am very sorry" he said to her, what felt like the umpteenth time, but still somehow didn't feel enough.
Cora looked at him and gave him a sweet smile. She stared at him for a couple of moments "You are a wonderful man, Robert. Never let anyone tell you otherwise"
Robert raised his eyebrows slightly. This wasn't the response he was expecting but he smiled at her and nodded softly.
Cora took out her phone for the first time since they arrived and pressed the power button to see the time. It was half past six in the evening. They had been here for nearly two hours.
She looked at him and smiled "I better get going"
Robert nodded as they both got up.
Cora looked at the pillar behind her one last time and smiled, placing a kiss on it with her hand.
Robert smiled at her and after her nod walked towards the parking lot with her.
Robert made sure to take the longer path to the parking, knowing well enough that the staff would be out in the gardens, putting out the cutlery for the dinner outside, and would surely gossip if they saw him with Cora. He took a more secluded path, and gladly Cora didn't ask any questions and quietly followed him.
They reached the parking and Cora took out her keys and unlocked the car. They walked slowly towards it.
"Miss Baxter and Mr Carson won't go with you?" Robert asked.
Cora shook her head "No, they came in Carson's car today"
Robert nodded and then opened the door for her upon reaching her car.
Cora turned around to face him, standing a few inches away from him. She gave him a smile; a smile that said a million things, but in a nutshell showed her gratitude.
Robert smiled back at her, showing his support to her without actually saying anything. He knew she would understand. She slowly removed his coat that Robert had completely forgotten that she had been wearing.
She handed him his jacket, that now smelled of her sweet vanilla perfume. She looked at him and moved closer. Robert held his breath, as she gripped his forearm and closed the gap between his cheek and her lips. She kissed his cheek softly; giving him an almost feather light kiss.
"Thank you, Robert" she said as she moved away.
Robert who was still holding his breath, just stared at her.
"Goodbye" she said as she got in the car.
"Bye, Cora" he finally said, closing her door.
He watched as she reversed her car and drove out the parking. He sighed, and turned to walk back to the hotel, his cheek still tingling by the effects of her kiss.
Hi everyone! I'm back a little sooner than you expected, right? But I was so excited for this chapter, I think this is my favourite chapter up till now.
I hope you guys love it like I do. I know a LOT of you were waiting for Cora to tell Robert about her miscarriage, so here you guys go. I hope you guys enjoy it. Please, please, PLEASE leave a review. I am very excited to read what you all think and what your thoughts are. Tell me your favourite parts! And once again, all my sweet readers from Instagram , kindly leave a review here and not just on Instagram DM's.
Love you guys! Take care of yourselves!