Word Count: 4,143
Warnings/Spoilers: Some vivid descriptions of a panic attack.

Buck really shouldn't have been so surprised at how well Eddie could hide that there was something going on between them when they were at the station.

He should've known that a guy who broke down after a shift because of Shannon or that a guy who was rattled and in search of a fight could then act completely normal the next day would be the same guy who could turn off that he'd spent a day kissing Buck.

The worst part about it was that the more Buck started observing Eddie from the corner of his eye or listening to the way he chatted with the others, the more he realised he never would have known Eddie was in the early stages of a relationship if it wasn't because he was the other person involved. It left him feeling uncomfortable because he knew he'd said he wanted to take it slow, and he knew Eddie was still getting his head around the whole 'kissing a guy' thing, but Eddie was clearly very capable of concealing his feelings and Buck needed to pay more attention to checking in with him more often.

At the other end of the 'worst' part was how difficult it was to keep his hands to himself when Eddie was nearby. Now that whatever the last barrier of uncertainty was between them had been removed, Buck struggled to not just reach out and touch simply because he could. Sometimes, when Eddie squished onto the couch beside him at the firehouse to show him a video of something Christopher had done, Buck had to remember he couldn't rest his head on Eddie's shoulder while watching. Or whenever their knees bumped together in the back of the truck on the way to calls, he had to ensure he didn't glance up and meet Eddie's eyes to share a secret smile that Hen or Chim might see and start hollering about.

The secret sneaking around reminded him, maybe too much, of the early days of his romance with Abby. He felt like he'd sent messages back and forth to her a lot while Hen and Chim teased him, or he'd darted away to take phone calls out of earshot. And now he was doing the same, only he was refusing to say anything to them because clearly Eddie wanted to keep everything quiet. It wasn't as though Buck was ashamed of his feelings or his sexuality but he knew he had to give Eddie the time to work through everything. That Eddie trying to work through it left Buck feeling cold and nauseous so much of the time… He'd just have to learn to deal with it.

"So what's got you smiling like a lovestruck teenager?" Hen said as she flopped onto the couch beside him.

He quickly pocketed his phone so she couldn't see any part of his message chain with Eddie. They'd been debating what to cook for dinner based on the vague suggestions Christopher had supplied Eddie with a few days ago. Texting in the station had been Buck's idea when they'd curled together after putting Christopher to bed a couple of weeks ago. It would look weird if they were suddenly talking more than usual or sitting too close more often. Everyone knew they were good friends but a significant change in their dynamic, which Buck knew he wouldn't be able to control all that well, would be flashing neon signs to Hen and Chim's nosiness. He'd figured that if they were in different parts of the house where no one could see both of them simultaneously, then no one would realise they were messaging each other. It was genius. Eddie could continue to disappear downstairs to the gym and Buck could stay upstairs reading a magazine or a book and every now and then they'd send texts back and forth.

Buck had been incredibly proud of his idea, not least of all because Eddie had kissed him after it.

"Ooh Buckaroo, you've got it bad," Hen cooed as she elbowed him with a huge grin and bright eyes behind her glasses. "Who's the lucky lady?"

And that…was probably the hardest thing about what he was developing with Eddie. He knew everyone had their own assumptions about his sexuality because of his past relationships and the very public trysts that he was not proud of anymore. He figured everyone thought he was straight and couldn't contain it and that might've been true at one point but now? Now he saw himself as someone who took the time and the patience to get to know someone. And he'd never been open about his sexuality in the station but he wasn't sure why they all just assumed that 'straight' was the default when Hen had Karen and Michael had come out.

"There's no lady," he said, lightly elbowing her back. He tried to take comfort from the fact he wasn't lying instead of feeling awful because it felt like he was concealing by omission. "Can't I just smile while looking at a video on my phone?"

Hen looked over her glasses at him, lips pursed together in grave seriousness. "Boy, you don't look at a video on your phone like that unless it's got naked people in it."

He knew his eyes grew large enough to pop out of his head because of the stunned flush that warmed his cheeks. Hen squawked with laughter and he heard Chim call out for an explanation where he'd where he'd been helping Bobby with the meal preparations in the kitchen.

"Hen!" he spluttered as she continued laughing, slapping her knee despite the tea that sloshed over the rim of her mug.

"Your face, oh my God," she said, a tear running down her cheek as Chim wandered over.

"His face? What did his face do?"

"I hate all of you," Buck muttered, tossing his magazine on the coffee table and escaping downstairs. Why couldn't they just stop interfering and stop asking and stop assuming and stop pressuring him to be in a relationship or find out if he was in one? Even as he descended the stairs, he could hear Hen telling Chim he had a 'new lady friend', which inevitably meant Chim would send a message to Maddie to find out, which would mean she started texting or calling him to pump for information, and then she might want to come over randomly sometime to see if someone was in his apartment, and maybe that would mean she showed up when Eddie was there without Christopher, and that was-

He retreated to the locker room because he could curl into a ball out of the sightline of anyone walking past and shoved his hands into his hair. This thing with Eddie wasn't meant to be so difficult, he was sure of it. No one pestered Eddie about his love life or if he'd found someone new. Maybe it was different being a widower, or maybe it was because he had Christopher, but the way Eddie behaved clearly hadn't tipped anyone off. And yet now, because of one goofy smile as he'd texted a series of emojis for food options, Hen had told Chim and Chim would tell Maddie and within half an hour, everyone in the house as well as his sister would start trying to get information out of him, information he couldn't give because Eddie didn't- Eddie wasn't ready- and maybe Buck was going to ruin everything before it really began- and he-

He could feel the panic wrapping constricting coils around his chest because he wanted to see Eddie and fold into his chest but he couldn't, he couldn't see Eddie and talk about any of this right now, and maybe Eddie wouldn't even have a reaction to Hen's suspicions, or maybe Eddie would still come to the realisation he didn't really like guys or want to be with him and so it ended, and then Buck lost his best friend and a kid that was his whole world, and it reminded him why he'd avoided this in the first place because then they couldn't both stay in the same firehouse, seeing each other every shift, because Buck would keep thinking about what they'd had and what he'd lost because of his own stupidity, so there'd be a change in shift rotations or transferring of houses, and he couldn't think about it but he couldn't not think about it, and-

"Hey." A familiar hand squeezed his shoulder, the weight and warmth of Bobby's body settling beside him. "Hey, kid. Come on." Bobby's arm draped over his shoulders, a hand pressing against his knee. "You know Hen just likes to tease, she didn't mean anything malicious by it."

But the problem wasn't that it was or wasn't malicious because yes, Hen just liked to tease, it was that everything he had with Eddie could crumble so easily because Buck was clearly invested and couldn't hide his emotions but Eddie was a steel trap at work, and Eddie and Chris were also tied to Carla and maybe she wouldn't want to talk to him anymore either, and how would the rest of the house look at him if they ever found out, and how would they look at Eddie if they ever found out, and suddenly everything seemed a lot more real, and a lot more alarming, and a lot scarier, and-

"Buck? Hey. I need you to slow your breathing, kiddo." Bobby's tone shifted from caring to his Captain's voice, lowering his pitch and measuring his pace. Buck had heard it so many times on calls with distressed families and he hated that it needed to be used for him because he was such a- "Buck, listen to me, okay? Just me. We're still at the house. We're still on duty. If we get a call, I can't leave you like this. So I need you to breathe in when I tell you and I need you to breathe out when I tell you, okay?"

But it was hard for Buck to concentrate on Bobby's words because he knew Bobby was right. If they got a call, Buck couldn't be left behind because he was meant to go on the call with the others, but he couldn't when he was like this and he couldn't if Hen was likely to badger him and he couldn't if Eddie stared out the window rather than meeting Buck's eyes and he couldn't if Chim teased him incessantly over the radio and he couldn't if-

"Buck. I need you to breathe in, alright? Breathe in for me, son."

But it was hard to breathe in when his lungs were so crushed by his curled position on the floor and when every thought he had was spinning out of his grasp, sparking a network of other hysterical thoughts that made a bigger network and all the thoughts were all-consuming and he couldn't focus on Bobby, or on breathing, or on anything because everything was splintering away from his awareness. He knew he was trembling, badly, because he could feel the pressure in Bobby's arm trying to keep him weighted down, trying to keep his shaking body still, but it was too much, it was all too much and he couldn't understand anything Bobby was saying anymore because it sounded all distant and muffled, like he was underwater, and maybe Buck was underwater again, and even though his eyes were scrunched shut and everything was black he could still remember the deep blue of the water that surrounded him and swept him away and buffeted him in so many directions and he could remember how desperate he had been to hold onto Christopher but he'd failed that too, he always failed, and now he was going to die because he couldn't breathe and-

"Buck? What the hell, Cap? What happened?"

"I don't know. Hen said something about him having a girlfriend and he took off and I thought- Well, I thought maybe it was like you and the husbands comment a couple of weeks ago and he thought about Abby or Ali so I went to find him, but he's getting worse. I'm not sure if he's aware I'm even here anymore but you helped him after that pool incident last year, right?"

"Yeah, I- I did, I- Okay. Just… Can you grab his coat and give us the room? Please?"

Buck wanted to whine when he felt the arm around his shoulders disappear because that weight had at least helped anchor him from disappearing completely into his memories and dreams and nightmares, but it wasn't long and then there were two arms surrounding him, rough and calloused hands clasped around his own.

"I've got you, Evan," Eddie murmured against his ear, the sound of his steady breathing replacing some of the all-encompassing silence and roar of being caught in the turbulent tsunami water and the thunderingly haphazard whoosh of his heartbeat. A few minutes later, there was more pressure against his legs, a weight which was carefully distributed to wrap around him almost as tightly as he was holding onto himself. "Thanks, Cap. I've got this."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, promise. He needs the space. He'll hate having an audience afterwards."

"Okay. I'll give you the room. Radio if you need me, alright?"

"Thanks, Cap." Eddie's lips pressed against the back of his neck, the point of his chin settling against Buck's shoulder. "I'm here, querido. It's just you and me." His fingers squeezed against Buck's, more pressure that Buck wanted and needed. "I have you, Evan. I know the panic attack is scary, even though I don't understand what triggered it, but I've got you and you're safe here with me, alright? Listen to me breathe, feel my chest expand against your back, picture a place in the desert which is far away from water. Whatever it takes, as long as it takes, I'm here."

The strength in Eddie's grip and the constant weight against Buck's back was…helpful. Admittedly, it took a while to start having any impact but he distantly supposed that was because he'd worked himself up so quickly and so badly that it took a while to bring him back to any sort of awareness. Eddie kept murmuring quiet and gentle words, mixing in Spanish sentences that Buck had no comprehension of but which helped him feel warmer when he felt like he was freezing. And at some point, Buck began to realise he was exhausted, leaning into Eddie's body rather than rigid with all the anxiety and terror.

"Hey," Eddie whispered, nosing at his hair when Buck managed to get his eyes open, his focus on the locker room spinning around him as he felt the disorientation of where he was and what had happened starting to settle in and making him feel awful, and ashamed, and disappointed, and frustrated. "There you are."

Buck adjusted his fingers slightly, allowing Eddie's to fit into the gaps. He couldn't hold on very tightly but Eddie made up for that. "That was…bad, wasn't it?" he said with a weak attempt at a smile.

Eddie sighed, pressing a kiss to his hair and rubbing a thumb over his knuckles. "Yeah, Buck, it was. I've been holding you for a little over twenty minutes and you were totally gone when I got here."

"Bobby?" he said, because there was something about his Captain's voice filtering into his hazy memory.

"Yeah, he was here. Came to find you and then radioed for me when you clearly weren't listening to him," Eddie confirmed with another kiss to the top of his head.

There was a cramp building in Buck's bad leg so he uncoiled his knees, wincing in pain at the stretch of muscles and…dislodging his fire coat that had been wrapped around him? He frowned at it, failing to recall how or why or when he'd gotten it. Had they come back from a call and he-

"That was me," Eddie explained, tucking their linked hands against Buck's stomach as some of the blood started to flow back into his aching legs. "I figured it'd be like a weighted blanket or wrapping an unhappy kid into a blanket burrito."

Buck nodded, leaning into Eddie and settling his head on the other man's shoulder as his eyes closed. He felt wiped out and washed out, an iron weight of fatigue making him want to go home and sleep even though he still had hours left of his shift. Eddie kissed his temple and Buck gave a gentle squeeze of Eddie's hands, which Eddie returned.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eddie said after Buck took several slower, more purposeful breaths.

"Not here," Buck said, opening his eyes and jerking his head toward the firehouse. "They're all going to be talking enough."

"About your mysterious lady friend?" Eddie said, a small dimple appearing in his cheek as he suppressed a smile.

Buck rolled his eyes. "That's probably preferable to them thinking I'm going to go to pieces again."

"I'm not sure about that," Eddie mused, squeezing one of his hands. "This makes me worried beyond belief but a lady friend makes me jealous."

Buck's eyebrows rose, gaze flickering up to see Eddie's hazel. "Jealous?"

Eddie's eyes glanced around the locker room before he kissed Buck gently, taking his time to convey a whole lot of emotions that left Buck feeling dizzy for different reasons than the panic attack. "Yes, I will get jealous of some other woman."

Buck hummed, searching Eddie's expression. "I'll remember that."

"Brat," Eddie chided, dropping another couple of kisses to his mouth before loosening some of his grip. Buck would've stayed there forever if he could, but the floor of the locker room was hardly comfortable and he didn't know where the rest of his team was. He guessed he simply couldn't stay there forever.

Eddie gathered his coat and helped him to his feet, a steadying arm around his waist helping him not tip too far sideways when the world swirled in front of his eyes.

"No way you're going on any calls for the rest of shift," Eddie said, and maybe it was because Buck didn't have it in him to argue that Eddie realised just how exhausted he was. "Come on. We'll get you to the bunkroom and you can rest."

The downstairs area was deserted as Eddie led him to the small bunkroom, finding a cot mostly shaded from the light filtering into the windows and guiding him under the blankets. Eddie sat on the edge of the bed, stroking fingers through his hair as he fought against the fatigue because he really hated the thought of sleeping when he'd already had visions of drowning during the panic attack.

"Sleep, querido. Your body needs it."

And who was Buck to argue with that?

He was startled awake several times throughout the rest of the shift when the alarms blared, but no one came to get him. He heard the truck roar to life as it left, and he'd hear the faint rumbles when it returned. No one came to yell at him afterwards and demand to know why he was sleeping on the job. In his semi-lucid moments, Buck supposed he had Eddie to thank for that as he drifted somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness depending on what other noise was occurring throughout the house.

He still felt tired when a hand brushed against his shoulder, squeezing lightly and shaking off the tendrils of sleep that continued tugging him under. There wasn't any light outside the windows anymore and the blinds were mostly drawn against the light of the floor of the house, but he still knew it was Maddie who was sitting on the edge of his bed without looking at her. He'd know her perfume anywhere.

"Chim called you?" he said as she cradled his cheek, thumb dragging over the birthmark above his eyebrow like she used to when he was a kid and woke him up from a bad dream.

"In between a call, yeah. He didn't know much, just that Bobby had taken you out of commission for the day at Eddie's request." Maddie's nails scratched lightly at his scalp. "I saw Bobby as I came in. He said you'd slept most of the day but that you shouldn't be alone tonight. Do you want to come back to mine or do you want me to come over to yours?"

And Buck…really wanted to say neither, because he wanted to be with Eddie tonight, but how was he meant to explain that?

"Your place will probably have Chimney too," he pointed out and he could practically hear her eyes roll.

"He's not your enemy, Ev."

"I know that but I…I don't want my personal life plastered all around the house again," he said, opening his eyes to gaze at some of the shadows criss-crossing her face. "I'm not really in the mood for entertaining company either."

"Lucky for you, then, that I'm your big sister and don't need entertaining," she said and Buck knew there was no way out of her staying with him. There would be no argument he could make that she wouldn't counter.

The others were milling around the truck after he'd collected his gear from the locker room, and he wasn't sure he'd felt this nervous facing them since attempting to apologise for the lawsuit. On multiple occasions.

He hadn't even opened his mouth when Hen reached out and embraced him, her arms tight around his shoulders. "Whatever I said, I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," he assured, using his free arm to rub her back. "Please don't blame yourself, Hen."

She ruffled his hair as she pulled away and Buck found it difficult to meet any of their eyes, including Eddie's. "I- Uh… Maddie's going to stay with me tonight," he said as she linked her arm around his elbow and he tried to ignore the way Chim's face fell out of the corner of his eye. "Thanks for…covering for me today. You shouldn't have to be a man short."

"We just need you to be okay, kid," Bobby said with a nod, which Chim and Hen matched.

"Yeah, I…" He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Eddie for a brief second and realising that all of Eddie's shields were back up, that his expression betrayed nothing about his feelings, and Buck really wished he had that sort of control sometimes. He'd have to ask Eddie for tips. "I don't really know what happened but I… I'll take it easy and be back next shift."

Hen pulled him into another hug with another apology, and Bobby gave him a handshake and a one-armed hug. "You should make some calls," his Captain said for only him to hear, and Buck knew he meant the therapist's card that kept being flung around Buck's coffee table. It was hard to explain to Bobby why he was so against the idea of therapy after that woman he'd seen a couple of years ago.

Chim gave Maddie a hug and kissed her cheek, saying something about brunch or dinner tomorrow, but Buck tuned it out as he met Eddie's eyes and felt uncertain about what to do when they were standing among the team.

"Thanks for…earlier," he said lamely, and the small dimple returned in Eddie's cheek which was at least some flicker of an emotion within Eddie's soul.

"Come here, tonto," Eddie said, dragging him into a hug that Buck was all too willing to return seeing as he'd have Maddie with him tonight. "Text me when she leaves and I'll come over tomorrow, okay?" Eddie whispered into his ear and Buck nodded, pulling away before their hug lingered too long and everyone got weird about it.

"I'll drive you home," Maddie said, and it hadn't occurred to Buck that he was still so exhausted that driving might've been dangerous but as soon as she said it, he realised he was grateful he wouldn't have to concentrate.

"How will I get here next shift?" he said as he followed her out and eyed his parked truck in the lot.

"I'm sure one of your crew can give you a lift," she pointed out and Buck briefly wondered about whether he could start carpooling with Eddie or if that would really tip everyone off. "Or I can just tell Howie he needs to pick you up."

"Picked up by my big sister's boyfriend? What is this? Am I back in middle school?"

Maddie's laugh made him smile, even though all he was doing was calculating how many hours it would be before she left and he could text Eddie to come over and hold him.

~TBC~