Ever since that heart-wrenching conversation by the lake, it was as if the weather gods had decided to mimic her mood on a daily basis. The next two weeks were nothing short of torturous. Not just because she wasn't feeling herself anymore but also because it poured down cats and dogs. It wasn't surprising, it was a typical English January, but this time it felt more angrier, more violent. It felt like a storm or two were due soon and the silence before that was deafening. Cora reached the hotel's entrance and put down her umbrella, shaking it aggressively to get rid of the water accumulated in it. She shook her head, and slowly put away the strands of hair that had gathered on her face.
"It's been like this since the past two days" Mr Mason, the doorman stated as he held open the door for her.
Cora looked behind her, the fat droplets of rain were the only thing that she was able to see from the entrance as they blocked the sight beyond it.
"No chance of stopping?" she asked him politely, as she continued to stare at the rain.
Mr Mason looked at her and gave her a soft smile "Doesn't look like it"
Cora nodded softly and walked towards the lobby. She sighed as the warmth from the central heating enveloped her almost numb body. She looked at Anna at the reception and gave her a soft smile. Anna smiled back and got back to the guest she had been attending.
Cora reached the elevator and pressed the button to the seventh floor to go to her office. She got in and rested her back against the small mirror inside. Where once her excitement to this job had no limits, now it merely felt exhausting. Not because the workload was too overwhelming, or the timings were off or the pay wasn't good. It was none of that. It was her. She was overwhelmed carrying the weight of the events of the last two weeks and exhausted trying to pretend she was okay, trying to avoid Robert, trying to contain her racing thoughts, day after day.
As promised, they had avoided each other as much as possible and even though they were physically successful in doing so most of the time, emotionally it was impossible. Every little thing in the hotel simply reminded her of some memory with him and it was almost annoying by that point. She felt agitated and exhausted trying to control her feelings. It was as if she was at war with herself and it was mentally draining. She had so many days where she would come across something that in normal circumstances, she would have run to his office to tell him, like a new idea for a shoot, a new location, a restaurant, or a dessert place. She had so many things she wanted to share with him but she knew she couldn't and it was sad and almost a struggle because he was literally on the same floor as hers. A total of 21 steps from her office to his – yes, she had counted them. She missed him, she really, really missed him.
Now every day she came to work, did her duties, and ran straight back home. This game of hide and seek nagged her to no end. It was annoying because her eyes would search for him but then fill with dread as soon as she would spot him. Everything that had happened would come back to her and she would hate herself and the situation they were in. She wondered if he was feeling just as exhausted and miserable as her. She assumed he was but she hoped he wasn't. This feeling was horrible and she wouldn't want him to go through it.
Everything had changed now. It was almost comical because as much as she regretted that kiss, she regretted the loss of that friendship more. This was something she struggled to admit to herself for a long time but in her heart, she knew it was true. She felt like a cheater knowing she had kissed another man, but the thing on her mind all the time was that she no longer had Robert in her life and that grief definitely took over the shame she felt in having kissed him.
She hadn't told Simon still. She knew it would further make things difficult and she wasn't ready to deal with all that just yet. Luckily Simon didn't question her coming home more frequently now and was definitely delighted when Cora agreed to go out with him to his parties or events without much persuasion. Cora knew that in order to fix the mess she was in, she needed to mend her marriage first. Simon never discussed their marriage out loud, as long as he had Cora with him in public and got sex out of her twice a week, he was good. He never doubted her, which she was grateful for. But she also knew that he would never think her capable of doing anything out of line which is why he never doubted her intentions. Which was a true assumption, she would never in a million years do anything like that. But…but with this Robert Crawley, it was like she was on some kind of a drug, she needed him and had no control over herself around him. That blurring of lines resulted in that kiss and now she was constantly trying to fight her thoughts and feelings. She didn't even have an argument to justify that he wasn't good for her. He was. He helped her so much, boosted her self-esteem, appreciated her, valued her friendship, and respected her. Who wouldn't want these things in their life? No one. But she no longer had an option. He was the best thing that happened to her, but all good things come to an end and so did this. But boy, did it hurt like a cold hard slap on the face. Every single day.
She reached her office and dumped her bag on her desk before collapsing in her seat. It was 8 in the morning and without having done a single task, she felt exhausted because of her mind running in all directions and making her lose her focus and joy out of the work she loved so much.
She rubbed her face and turned on her computer in front of her. A notification popped up reminding her of the photoshoot that she was about to do in half an hour. She shook her head and sighed. There was no way of avoiding him today, it was time for the February calendar shoot and the whole Crawley family was due to arrive in an hour. There was nothing more she enjoyed than being in their company but she knew it was going to be awkward today. She crossed her fingers and prayed that it won't be as awkward as that meeting two weeks ago. That time she had alcohol as the perfect excuse. This time she had none and in no way on Earth she was going to make herself look like a fool in front of everyone. Especially not with Valarie and Violet Crawley present in the room. She shook her head again and took a long deep breath. She was going to look perfectly normal. Yes, she was.
"Where do you want these?" Mrs Hughes asked as she entered the smoking-room carrying two tripods in her hands.
"Oh, give me those" Carson reached her with the speed of lightning to take the heavy tripods from her hands. "Why are you carrying these?"
Mrs Hughes smiled at him "I can lift, don't fret"
Carson smiled at her "Yes, I know. But why didn't you ask Andrew to carry these?"
"Andrew is currently bringing in the backdrop with Miss Baxter, Mr Carson. You asked him to just five minutes ago" she replied.
"Oh" he replied.
Mrs Hughes chuckled and squeezed his arm lovingly "Let me know if you need anything else" she whispered.
A shade of pink appeared on Carson's cheeks as he nodded.
"Remind me again, why have we chosen the smoking-room as the location?" asked Carson as he looked around the rather dark room with a lot of black furniture around.
Cora who sat on one of the sofas fixing the lens to the camera looked at him "Because the theme is Jade green and it would go well with the black furniture" she replied.
"Right, right" he replied "Where are Andrew and Miss Baxter? The Crawley's will be here any minute"
"We're here" replied Phyllis as she carefully made her way inside the room with the giant washed-out coral green backdrop in hand.
"It was a challenge to fit this in the elevator. Sorry for being late, Mr Carson" replied Andy who held the opposite end of the backdrop with Phyllis.
"Let me help" said Carson as he reached Phyllis's side and grabbed that end.
Phyllis sighed when Carson took over and put her hands on her waist, taking a deep breath.
"Yup, right against that wall" directed Phyllis.
Carson and Andy put down the backdrop and took two-steps away from it to see if it looked alright.
"Is this alright, Cor?" asked Phyllis.
Cora who was fixing the settings in her camera, looked towards them "What?" she asked.
"Is this fine?" Phyllis asked pointing at the backdrop.
Cora nodded "Yup, looks perfect" she replied with a soft smile.
"Now the lights? We are going with just the cool ones right?" Carson asked as he reached by her side to pick up the giant lights put against the sofa she sat on.
Cora looked at him and sighed "Yeah, just the cool ones, two for now, we'll see if we need more. Don't want it too bright"
"Right" replied Carson as he reached by her side to grab the lights.
Carson adjusted the lights on the tripods while Phyllis and Andy added the tall black stools as props against the backdrop.
Cora turned on her camera and took a few shots to test the settings. She was doing just fine, physically anyway, but her stomach kept doing flips every time she heard footsteps coming towards the room. She looked at the giant clock on one of the walls. They all would be here any minute. She sighed once again and turned her back to the door. The anxiety was making her go nuts.
"Oh, this looks fantastic" Isobel Crawley commented as she entered the room wearing a jade green suit.
Cora turned around to face her and smiled "Thanks. You look great in this suit"
Isobel smiled "Oh, thank you. I didn't think I could pull off this colour"
"You do" Cora smiled.
"You should see Cousin Violet" she commented as she walked towards Phyllis to ask about her position.
A minute later Mary walked in with Matthew and Sybil. Mary was dressed in a nicely fitted green jumpsuit. Her hair was curled and secured on one side of her shoulder. She looked stunning in that colour, her beautiful brown eyes perfectly complimenting the green colour. Sybil had her hair straightened out and she wore a long green bodycon dress paired with black heels. Matthew walked in wearing a suit in the same colour.
"But it's certainly an odd colour for a suit" he said, as he played with the flaps of his suit.
"Matthew you look great, I've told you" replied Mary as she walked ahead of him.
"Don't think too much, Matthew. Everyone's wearing the same colour" added Sybil with a chuckle.
Matthew smiled at her and nodded "Okay, if you sisters say so. Where's Edith?"
"God knows" said Mary flatly.
Sybil sighed "She's with Bertie. They are coming"
Cora smiled to herself as she heard their conversation over her shoulder.
"Cora, it looks great" said Mary as she looked at the set up "Very classy" she added.
Cora smiled at her and nodded "Thanks! You all look great, even you Matthew" she added.
Mary and Sybil chuckled at that and looked at Matthew who had a soft blush up his cheeks.
Mary rolled her eyes as a smirk appeared on her face "Don't mind him"
Cora smiled "Phyllis will guide you where to stand"
Mary nodded and walked towards Phyllis.
Cora sighed as they left her behind. She was fine. She was doing just fine.
Bates walked in with Rosamund a minute later. Chuckles could be heard as they walked in together.
Bates looked around him and smiled "Wow, I feel extremely underdressed" he commented.
"You should be in the picture too, Bates. You're almost a Crawley" Sybil joked.
Rosamund chuckled at that "Yes, you've been Robert's wife far longer than Valarie"
The Crawley's laughed at that statement and Bates shook his head "I don't mix family and business" he winked.
"Don't let Anna hear that" Matthew added as Bates blushed.
Rosamund who wore a tight one-shoulder dress walked toward Cora when she spotted her.
"Hi Cora"
Cora smiled at her "Hello Rosamund. You look stunning"
"Thanks, it took me fifteen minutes to get into this" she chuckled as she smoothed out her dress from the front.
Cora smiled back "Worth the effort"
Rosamund winked at her and smiled "Now, where do I stand?"
"You're next to Violet at the front" Cora replied.
"Oh great, then I'll be the last one to get in position" Rosamund rolled her eyes.
"Really, Rosamund" Violet Crawley commented with a stiff lip as she entered the room "You leave no chance to pass a sarcastic remark"
Rosamund turned around and chuckled at her "I am your daughter, Mama"
Violet rolled her eyes as she walked in wearing a green suit, looking just like the President she was.
"You look amazing, Granny" said Sybil who stood next to Phyllis understanding the schedule of the pictures.
"Thank you, Sybil dear" Violet replied walking towards her granddaughters. "Where's Edith?"
"I am here, sorry sorry" replied Edith as she ran inside the room wearing a sheath dress "I was caught up in a phone call" she said.
"And I was caught up with her" added Bertie who walked behind her "She refused to let me come here without her"
Edith smiled at him and took his hand.
"Finally, another man in the same colour" sighed Matthew pointing at Bertie enthusiastically.
Edith rolled her eyes "Oh, don't tell me you've been whining about the colour too, Matthew"
"Yes, he has been" sighed Mary.
"You boys look gorgeous" said Rosamund.
"I'll take your word on it, Rosamund" said Bertie as he neared her to kiss her.
Phyllis walked towards Cora and smiled "They're a fun bunch" she whispered to Cora and smiled.
Cora smiled back and nodded.
"You okay?" asked Phyllis placing a hand on Cora's forearm.
Ever since that conversation with Phyllis, Cora had kept the turmoil of her feelings inside her. She had no idea how to explain her misery because it was unclear to her as well. She had pretended she was perfectly fine since the conversation at the lake and carried on with work as normal.
"Yes, yes. I'm fine" Cora smiled, giving her best poker face to her best friend.
She hated lying to her, but this was something she had to sort out herself.
"Should we get started?" Phyllis asked her.
Cora opened her mouth "Uh.." she said. How could they start without him and his wife?
"Oh wait, Robert and Mrs Crawley aren't here" thankfully Phyllis figured it out herself.
She turned out and asked "When will Mr and Mrs Crawley be here?" asked Phyllis.
Cora felt another flip inside her stomach and chewed the inside of her cheek and turned the other way, pretending to fix the camera settings for the umpteenth time.
She was fine. She was fine. She had to be fine.
"I just saw him and Mama leaving the office. They should be here" said Edith as she stared at her front camera of her phone, to fix her lipstick.
"Miss Baxter, I think we should start positioning them" said Carson from behind the lights.
Phyllis nodded "Right. Cora?" she called her out.
Cora walked towards them and stood opposite them facing everyone against the backdrop. "Um, okay, Matthew and Bartie can you please sit on the big stools behind you" she said as the boys walked towards the stools to take their seats.
"Mary, please stand in front of Matthew, a little towards the left. Get on the first step of that stool"
Mary took her position as Cora guided Edith to stand to Bertie's right, with her elbow resting on Bertie's knee.
Violet Crawley was asked to stand in the center. "Rosamund, you are towards Violet's right and Sybil you are next to Rosamund"
Everyone took their positions and Carson adjusted the lights.
"Is this fine?" he asked Cora, as she looked inside the camera's lens to test the lights. She nodded.
"Now, we just need Mr. and Mrs. Crawley" added Phyllis.
Cora felt her heartbeat accelerate. It didn't help that everyone was staring at her. She walked a few steps back to place the camera on the tripod for a stable shot.
Cora slightly bent her knees to adjust the camera on the tripod when she heard a pair of heels clicking towards her right. That was it.. she sighed again, grateful that her face was behind the giant lens of the camera.
"This doesn't suit me at all" he heard Valarie's voice from that end.
"It's the theme, Valarie" she heard Robert tell her politely.
Cora's heart continued to race. She grabbed one of the legs of her tripod for support, all of a sudden her legs felt weak. Don't. Don't Cora. She scolded herself.
"It's a stupid theme" Valarie stated as they both entered the room.
"Finally" said Mary as her parents walked in.
Cora didn't dare look up at them. She sighed shakily. They passed by her and Cora got a whiff of the perfume he always wore and she felt her mouth go dry. It felt like someone just stepped on her heart. She closed her eyes for a moment to prepare herself.
"I couldn't find the right shoes" said Valarie as they reached them.
"I gave you my golden ones, why didn't you wear them?" Cora heard Edith speak.
"The strap came off of it" Valarie said.
Edith gasped "Mama they were my new shoes"
"It's okay, darling. I'll buy you another one" said Valarie.
Edith sighed and shook her head.
"Now where do we stand?" asked Valarie.
"Next to Mama, I think. Right, Cora?" asked Rosamund.
Cora finally looked up at them, the entire Crawley family looking her way for a response. She felt her throat go completely dry. Social anxiety creeping up at her. She sighed and nodded as she looked at Valarie, who was dressed in a green slip dress. Her tan skin badly contrasting the green colour. No wonder she didn't like the colour choice.
"Yes, right there please" Cora said softly.
Her eyes landed on Robert who wore a green suit, his beautiful blue eyes perfectly completing the green colour. Cora looked his way and controlled the beginnings of a sob redying to escape her mouth. God, he was beautiful. He took her breath away.
Why? Why was it so god damn hard?
Cora sighed and quickly moved her eyes towards Valarie "Mr Crawley, please stand next to Violet and Mrs Crawley, please stand next to Mr Crawley" she said with a firm voice without looking at him.
Her eyes went towards Rosamund whose eyebrows had furrowed. She hoped it didn't sound as weird as it sounded to her.
Robert and Valarie took their positions and Cora quickly moved her face behind the lens to take the pictures. The sooner this was over, the better.
"Smile" she said and clicked the button on her camera.
An hour later, Cora stood in the smoking-room taking solo and couple shots next to the bar in the smoking-room. The Crawley's were sat behind her chatting and waiting for their turns. Cora had taken a good dozen pictures of everyone and now she stood waiting as Phyllis called out Robert and Valarie.
Valarie and Robert walked in front of the camera and stood.
"Does my hair look alright?" she asked.
Robert looked at her "Yes, it's fine" he replied as he adjusted the flaps of his suit.
"What do we do?" she asked.
Thankfully Phyllis was guiding everyone by this point so Cora could just silently take pictures without doing much conversation.
"So for solo pictures, it's mostly portraits a few full-shots. For couple pictures, a few extra candid ones would be nice as well" she said.
Cora zoomed in on them behind her lens, glad they couldn't see her face.
"Right" said Valarie as she put her hand on Robert's stomach, her thumb lightly moving in circles around his shirt button. She saw Robert gulp and snake his hand around Valarie's waist.
The heavy sigh that left Cora's mouth fogged up the camera lens. She put the camera away to wipe the lens.
Fuck, she cussed internally.
She was hating this. This was too much. She felt anger and panic, and jealously and confusion and all she wanted to do was smash her camera and run out in the rain. This felt like a punishment and she was now struggling to keep her composure.
She quickly got into position again and put the camera in front of her.
"Ready?" she quickly said and took three pictures in a hurry, just wanting to get it over with.
"Smile, Robert, they want candid" said Valarie.
Cora saw Robert struggle to manage a genuine smile. He was feeling just as awkward as her. Torture. This was torture.
Valarie put her head on Robert's shoulder and Cora could feel sweat gather on her palm. Why did she feel so jealous? Why? Her feelings were not valid, they weren't justified.
Fuck you, Cora. Fuck you.
She cussed again internally.
"Robert could you look at Valarie and smile?" said Phyllis.
Robert slowly moved his face towards Valarie and smiled.
Cora aggressively clicked the buttons on her camera. She clicked one picture after the other, without paying much attention to the light or the angles. Usually, she would think five times before clicking the picture but this time, she couldn't care. She couldn't care one bit. All she could concentrate on was the couple in front of her. Mr & Mrs. Crawley. Husband and wife. All she could think about was her hand on his stomach and his hand on her waist. The smiles they were asked to give each other taunted her, they mocked her. She just wanted to get this over with. Her heart ached and the pace accelerated. She could feel the sweat on her palm transfer to the camera and she sighed again.
Stop it, Cora. Stop it.
She had to stop.
"Okay, now Robert can we have a few solo ones?" said Phyllis.
Valarie raised her eyebrows at Phyllis and walked away.
Cora watched Valarie walk away and looked at Robert in the eye.
Pain. Shame. Awkwardness. Silence.
She was hurting. He was hurting too. She could see it in his eyes.
Cora grabbed the camera again and put it in front of her face. Robert looked at her straight through the camera and Cora felt her breath hitch. She was a woman in her mid-forties. Correction, she was a married woman in her mid-forties. This wasn't supposed to be happening to her. This wasn't right.
"Why don't we all take a family trip soon?" Cora heard Valarie from behind her.
"Could you move to the right?" Cora whispered to him softly.
He nodded and moved.
"Mama last time we made a family plan, you canceled three days before" said Sybil.
"It was Jonathan's surprise party. I had to go" said Valarie. "But I'm serious this time. Let's go to Bora Bora or Maldives"
"I don't think it'll be possible soon, Mama" said Edith.
"What about next month? It's my birthday" added Valarie.
"So you want a birthday trip, Mama?" asked Mary raising her eyebrows.
"A family trip, Mary" she said "Just the Crawley's" she emphasized.
Family trip. The words echoed in her head. They were a family. A family. She had no right to feel what she felt. No way. She took a shaky breath. She felt claustrophobic.
"Since when have you cared about family trips?" asked Rosamund.
Valarie rolled her eyes "I just thought it was a good plan, Ros. What do you say, Robert?" she asked.
Robert sighed as he stared at the camera looking straight at Cora.
"Robert?" she asked again.
"Sure" he whispered.
Cora moved the camera away from her face and sighed. She looked at him and he stared back at her.
"Done" she whispered and moved away from him.
Done. She was truly done.
Cora sat in her office, quickly sorting out the best pictures from the day, fighting every second to not let her thoughts overtake her. They consumed her fully and she needed to fight. She needed to fight this. Nothing good could come out of this. Nothing.
She quickly selected the photos and dragged them to another folder. She quickly scrolled through them when her fingers refused to press the next button as the computer showed Robert's photograph. She sighed again.
What power did he have on her? Why couldn't she breathe in front of him? She kissed him and she regretted it but this wasn't normal. Her reactions to him weren't normal. She clenched her fingers into a fist exhausted from herself. She wanted to shut off her brain, she wanted to feel like herself again. She felt like she wasn't in her body anymore like she was in a frenzy and she had to stop before she went completely mad. It was so exhausting trying to avoid him and trying to stop thinking about him. She was so tired.
Cora sighed and put her head down on the table. She took a few deep breaths.
"Stop, stop, stop" she whispered to herself "Please stop" she begged herself.
A second later, she heard her office door open and looked up to see Carson walk in.
"Oh, hello" she said tiredly.
"Were you sleeping?" he asked her politely.
"No, no. I was just resting my eyes. Come in"
Carson walked in and sat on the chair that was placed near him.
"Good day, today. We are on good track" he said.
Cora smiled at him "Yeah, thank god"
"Are the pictures any good? He asked her.
Cora looked at her computer screen that still showed Robert's picture. She felt her ears go red "Oh" she said quickly minimizing the screen "Yeah, they're good" she said shyly.
She saw Carson stare at her for a second and nodded "Are you alright?" he asked.
Cora felt her breath get caught up in her throat. She gulped "Why wouldn't I be?"
Carson slowly shook his head "Nothing specifically. You just..you looked agitated today"
Cora sighed softly. She had thought she had done a great job at hiding it.
"Oh, no, nothing. I was just tired. I was out with Simon last night, got home late" she lied.
Carson nodded at her, "Okay" he said getting up.
"Are you off somewhere?" she asked.
"I was thinking of going out with Mrs Hughes for my lunch break" he said shyly.
Cora smiled at him. At least one beautiful friendship was on a good track "Alright" she chuckled "Enjoy"
Carson smiled at her and handed her a file "Can you please get them signed, we have a reservation at the restaurant"
Cora nodded taking the file "From who?"
"Mr. Crawley" he said.
Cora's eyes snapped at him, her mouth half-opened "Mr. Crawley?" she replied.
"Yes, I think he's in a meeting and we need to get these signed today and give it to the bank. I would've but we'll miss our reservation" he said.
"Oh" replied Cora.
"Where's..um, where's Phyllis?" she asked.
"Miss Baxter is editing the pictures for the website with Miss Edith" he replied.
Cora nodded "Right"
Carson stared at her for a second "Unless you want me to stay" he said reluctantly.
Cora shook her head "No, no. I'll go"
Carson smiled at her and nodded "Thank you" he said leaving the room.
As soon as he left, Cora thumped her fist on the table "Shit" she said.
She really didn't want to see him again, but making Carson stay for this reason wasn't fair either. She sighed getting up and walking out of the room to get some air before going to his office.
Cora left her office and walked towards the hallway when she spotted Rosamund exiting Robert's office. Cora sighed, and rushed back to her office to grab the file and walked towards her.
"Hi, Rosamund" said Cora.
Rosamund looked up at her and smiled "Hi" she replied.
"Great job at the photos today, Cora. Phyllis said they're looking great" said Rosamund as she walked closer to her.
Cora smiled at her and nodded "Thank you, Rosamund".
Cora softly tapped the file in her hand and chewed on her lower lip "Can you do me a favour, Rosamund?"
"Yeah, anything" replied Rosamund.
"Can you please get these papers signed from Robert?" she said.
Rosamund furrowed her eyebrows again and stared at her. Cora knew what she was thinking. Why couldn't Cora go herself? How was she supposed to explain?
"Um, sure, but he's free now, you can go" said Rosamund.
Cora sighed and shook her head. She gave her a soft smile "I would but..I have lots of editing to do, it'll only just take a minute" she said hurriedly.
Cora wanted to slap herself. What a pathetic excuse and if it would only take a minute, then why couldn't she go herself? She was shit at lying.
Rosamund stared at her again before her expressions became neutral. Cora felt like the defendant waiting with bated breath for the jury to give the verdict.
Rosamund nodded softly and took the file from her "I'll get them signed" she said.
Cora nodded and smiled at her "Thanks"
Rosamund let out a soft chuckle "No problem" she said rubbing her forearm before walking towards Robert's office.
Cora closed her eyes as soon as she saw Robert's door shut.
She rubbed her face and walked back to her office.
She needed to fix this.
She needed to fix her life.
Around 8 in the night, Cora drove back to her house. The events of the day flashed back to her. She was so tired, so exhausted. She was sick and tired of fighting with herself every day. She had managed to somehow keep it together the last two weeks but today, today she felt broken. Valarie's words kept echoing back to her.
Family. They were a fucking family. They were the Crawley's. Who was she? No one. She was just a person they hired for work. She had no right to mess with them. No right.
But it was like he was a magnet and she couldn't help but be pulled towards him. It was a force she couldn't identify and the constant fighting gave her a headache. She had to fight, she had to stop.
Her home was here, with Simon. That was her place. She was not going to mess up her life and in no way she was going to be responsible for ruining another family. She was not that person. And she would never be.
She opened the door to her house and sighed, getting comforted at the warmth inside. She walked into the living room and could hear the television. Simon sat watching the TV on their couch.
"Oh come on" he shouted at the cricket game on the TV.
"Hi" she said spotting him.
"Oh, hey" he replied "You're back early" he stated.
"Yeah. And you're home. How is that possible?" she said smiling at him. She walked in further and sat next to him on the sofa.
Simon rolled his eyes and took a big gulp of the beer he had in hand "I did have plans, but it was like a barbeque thing, and because of the fucking rain, we postponed"
Cora nodded at him "Who was it at?" she asked.
"Ashley" he replied.
"Who?" she asked.
"Ashley Stevans. My classmate from Oxford"
"Oh, her" Cora nodded "I didn't know you were still in touch with her"
Simon chuckled at her "I am always in touch with everyone, Cora. You should know that by now"
Cora nodded, she knew it but she never got why. She softly scratched the fabric of the sofa and then looked at him. "Why?" she asked.
Simon took another sip "What do you mean, why?"
"I mean what's the point? Don't you get exhausted?" she asked.
Simon looked at her and rolled his eyes "It keeps me alive, babe. And it's called making connections. You won't get it"
Cora nodded "Maybe, I won't"
She really couldn't understand. But she promised herself to do everything to make her marriage work better and she wasn't going to give up.
"Have you eaten?" she asked him.
Simon nodded "Yeah, what about you?"
"I have. What did you eat?"
"What I always eat. Ceaser salad"
Cora nodded. Simon and his love affair with his diet had to be the greatest love story of all times.
"Oh, fuck you" Simon yelled at the television again.
Cora flinched momentarily at the loudness and stared at the television. Robert's face from that morning flashed before her eyes again. She shook her head. No, she had to stop.
She looked at Simon and chewed her lip. She needed to stop.
"Do you want to have sex?" she asked sitting straight up. She needed to feel at home again.
Simon looked at her and nodded "Sure, it's the last over, then we-"
"No, now" she cut him off.
"Now?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Mhmm" she said getting up.
"Okay...double workout" he whispered.
Cora ignored that and walked towards her room "I'll wait" she said.
"I'll be in in a minute" he replied.
Cora reached her room and walked from one end to another. She had to stop thinking about him. This wasn't right. She wasn't going to let herself ruin her life like that. It was wrong. Totally wrong. This was her home. This. With Simon. He was her husband, and they were the Bricker's…not Crawley's. Her mind flashed back to the night of the party. The feeling of his hand on her waist. She shook her head.
Stop it, Cora. Just fucking stop.
Simon casually entered the room "I'll go change" he said.
Cora grabbed his arm and pulled him towards her.
"Cora, what the fuck?" he said but she reached up to kiss his lips.
Simon, without much reluctance, kissed her back. He grabbed her waist and Cora encircled his body with her arms. Simon broke the contact briefly for air before grabbing her again and kissing her cheek. Cora closed her eyes. The memory of Robert kissing her cheeks that night flashed before her eyes. She quickly opened her eyes and kissed Simon.
Stop, please stop it, Cora. She begged herself.
Simon quickly got rid of his shirt and pushed Cora towards the bed. Cora laid down flat on the bed. She was desperate to feel like herself again. Simon got on top of her, taking her lips into his again. Cora shut her eyes, trying to concentrate on the feeling of her husband's lips on her.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
She reminded herself. She wanted to relax and calm down, but she couldn't. Her laboured breathing was more because of her memories than the kisses her husband gave her one after the other. Simon unzipped her dress and Cora quickly assisted him in taking it off. Simon reached for her neck biting and placing kisses as he did. She closed her eyes again, trying to focus. She just wanted to feel at peace, at home. She encircled his body with her arms, hiding her face in his neck, closing her eyes.
She once did that with Robert. When she told him about her Mary and he sweetly hugged her when she had broken down in tears in front of him.
No, no, no. Stop.
Cora opened her eyes and unzipped his pants "Now" she said. She had to, otherwise, she would go mad.
Simon, who was never much a fan of foreplay anyway, agreed to the request. He took off his pants and Cora quickly discarded her underwear as well.
Her hands shook and she clenched her teeth. Why was this so difficult? What was happening to her? Her eyes filled with tears as Simon got on top of her again and entered her. She flinched at the contact, not being nearly as prepared as she usually was before he joined her. But she didn't care. She didn't have it in her to care. She just wanted some sense of normalcy. She wanted her mind to stop racing and stop thinking about the pain she suffered daily. This was her home, her family. She was desperate to feel a part of it. Simon moved on top of her and she fought the urge to close her eyes. Every time she did, she would think of him and she just needed to stop. She looked up at Simon, who started moving faster. She could hear his laboured breathing in her ear. She knew he wouldn't last long and she needed this. She really needed to climax. She concentrated on the thrusts inside her but her racing, anxious heart wasn't allowing her to relax.
Please, Cora. Please. She begged herself once again.
She closed her eyes once again, with the hope that she would be able to climax and feel whole again. She shut her eyes and focused on the feeling of being joined with him.
"Oh, babe" said Simon as he increased his pace inside her.
Cora shut her again and she was transitioned back to Robert's office.
"God, Cora" whispered Simon.
Robert's hands were on her waist.
Cora held on to Simon's arms with more strength.
You're here. Stay in the present, she reminded herself.
"Cora, I'm about to-" said Simon.
Robert looked into her blue orbs and she felt out of breath.
"Wait..wait for me" she said, struggling to breathe.
Simon moved inside her faster.
Cora shut her eyes again.
He moved closer and she did too.
Simon grabbed her breast and squeezed it.
Cora shut her eyes again.
She could smell the whiskey on his mouth mingled with the perfume he wore.
Cora's heart rate accelerated.
Simon moved to kiss her neck, trying to help her to reach where he was.
Her body collapsed into his as he held on to her waist.
Simon moaned out loudly, unable to hold it any longer.
His soft lips met hers.
His lips pressed against hers firmly. Heaven, she was in heaven.
Cora's eyes snapped open as she climaxed "Oh" she breathed out loud.
Simon got off of her and collapsed on the bed next to her.
Cora's eyes remained open as her chest rose and fell because of the exertion.
No, no she didn't. she didn't have it in her to admit it.
Did she just…did she just climax to her kiss with Robert?
She remained still.
She was numb.
Cora sat in a small corner of her bathtub, placing her knees against her chest, with the water running from the shower faucet on top of her. She was completely soaked and had left the water running for far too long.
She didn't care. She didn't have the energy to care anymore. It had been a few hours since she left Simon on the bed next to her. He had slept minutes after they were finished but Cora remained numb. She had stayed numb, unable to move and unable to think.
This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all so she dragged herself to take a shower, in the hopes of wiping everything off of her.
She had hoped. But she had failed miserably.
Cora let out another sob and this time she didn't stop herself. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to calm the raging migraine that was banging inside her head.
She cried out loud again, knowing that the sound of the water would cover it and because she was sick and tired of keeping it all in.
This was so wrong but she was helpless. Utterly helpless.
Robert consumed her whole. He was on her mind all the time and she would do anything to stop herself from going down that road over and over again. 24/7. She was so tired.
She let out another cry. What had happened to her? She wasn't like that. She had never felt this strongly for anyone before. Her feelings confused her. They angered her, they annoyed her, they exhausted her. And she was sick of it. Sick of all of it.
She looked at the giant mirror in front of her. Her eyes were bloodshot because of the aggressive tears that had escaped them.
She took a shaky breath again.
She had feelings for Robert. There was no point in lying to herself anymore.
Feelings that she couldn't explain. And feelings that were far stronger than she had anticipated.
It was a road to ruin, she knew it. She thought she could handle it, but she couldn't. Today proved her embarrassingly wrong.
She knew it was time to make some sort of a decision. She wasn't sure what, but she had to make a decision soon before it ruined her life completely.
Hello guys! First of all, I just want to thank each and every one of you for your love and support. I had recently discovered memes being made on Tumblr on this fanfic and I am literally just out of her words. Truly, I am. I feel so honoured and grateful. Thank you cobertaddict on Tumblr! The memes and the messages I get on a daily basis made me so emotional that I knew I had to update for you guys ASAP.
So here you go, I have dedicated my Valentine's day to you guys because I am super grateful for the love I get from each one of you!
A bit of an angsty chapter but I hope you guys enjoyed it. REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE REVIEWS (AND THE MEMES, HAHA!) Love you guys. Happy Valentine's Day! Please review and let me know what you think!