Word Count: 2,928
Warnings/Spoilers: There is a discussion about Buck and the female therapist in Season 1 in relation to the issues of consent and power imbalances.

"So." Maddie settled on the couch with a glass of wine in one hand, her fingers twisting between Buck's hair with the other after she'd insisted he rest his head in her lap once they'd finished eating the delivery of Thai food. "How long has this anxiety thing been a problem, Evan?"

He knew he wouldn't have been able to hide it forever, especially not from his sister. She knew him too well. She'd been there when he was a child having nightmares or hiding in the bedroom closet when he got scared hearing their parents fight. He just wondered how long he could conceal his feelings for Eddie from her. Not long, he guessed.

"I've been anxious since I was born, you know that," he said, aiming for the deflection like always.

"Well, that's true," she conceded, sipping from her class and shooting him a playful smile, "but I meant to the point that you're having a breakdown at work."

He decided the easiest course – even though it was one he didn't want to bring up – was to talk about the first time Eddie had helped him with a panic attack on the job: the pool rescue. It didn't take Maddie long to put the pieces together that the fear of water she'd noted when suggestions of going to the beach were shot down was linked to the tsunami, but he struggled to tell her about how there were still nightmares about the bombings sometimes, or he woke up choking on his own blood where no one was around to help him. He could see in the glittering of her eyes that she understood he'd been through a lot in a short span of time and it had taken its toll.

"You know I started seeing a therapist after Doug died," Maddie said, her wine glass empty but still spinning between her fingers by the stem. "I saw a lot of different types of therapists to figure out what works for me. I know you don't like talking about any of this or any of what we went through growing up, but Ev, it's affecting your work. We both know how much you fought to get back on the job. Why would you avoid something that might help you?"

Buck sighed, gazing up at her miserable expression. "But I should just be able to get over it, you know? Everyone else seems to move on."

She shook her head, leaning forward to deposit her empty glass on the coffee table and then resettling his head in her lap. "First responders see all sorts of horrible things, you know that better than I do. What you've been through… Ev, that's the very definition of trauma. If you're not talking about it, if you're not working out ways to manage it, then of course it's going to become really hard to deal with. You've always been anxious, and then you face death three times in a handful of months? Anyone would find that difficult to work through."

He knew she was right, because it was nothing he hadn't already considered himself more than enough times. Still, he hated hearing it. He hated hearing she was right. He hated feeling like parts of him were broken but, even more than that, he hated that those broken parts were affecting how he did his job.

"Evan… Why are you so afraid of letting people help you?"

And that was what it all boiled down to, wasn't it? He was afraid to let people help. He was afraid of people seeing the fragments of his psyche.

"I tried therapy while in the LAFD," he said with a small shrug. "Didn't work out so great."

"Oh? Why's that?"

His eyes flitted to some spot underneath his staircase and he became acutely conscious of how still her hands went.

"Ev?"

"I slept with her," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm not proud of it but I-"

"You did what?" Maddie said, her voice rising at least an octave. Maybe two. "Wait, no, scrap that. She did what?"

"No, she didn't do any-"

"Did she want it?"

Buck sat up purely so that he could withdraw himself from Maddie's comfort and make sure she didn't end up hitting him. "She- I- Yeah- She- She definitely-"

"So this is on her, Evan, not you."

"No, but-"

"Evan." Maddie's voice was so firm and yet her tone cracked in the middle of the two-syllable word. Chewing his bottom lip, feeling how prepared his heart was to launch itself out of his chest to be stabbed with the stiletto heels that therapist had worn, he peeked over his shoulder at Maddie. "Evan, that's… She shouldn't have done that."

"I know. That's what she said after we-"

"Did you tell Bobby about this?" Maddie said, the abrupt change in topic catching him off guard. He frowned and then shook his head slowly, which made Maddie press her fingers to her temples and start moving the skin in regular circles as she sighed. "So what I'm getting from this is that you went to see a therapist for whatever reason and-"

"I thought I was a sex addict."

Maddie's eyes flashed up to him again, dark and stunned. He thought his face at least managed something sheepish in the face of her brewing ire. "So you went to see a therapist for a sex addiction," she amended, "and then she slept with you."

"It was really more a mutual thing?" he said, scrunching his nose at the recollection. "She was hardly saying no and I-"

"Evan." His ramblings stuttered as she stared at him. "She was in a position of power over you and she abused it. That's not- It might have seemed mutual at the time but it's wrong."

"Maddie, I don't think-"

"What would you say if I told you I slept with my therapist?" Maddie retorted and Buck flinched. He knew she knew she'd won with turning the tables like that. She might be older but he was a foot taller. After Doug, anyone that hurt her would have a limb or four ripped from their sockets. Maybe he and Chim could take turns. "Do you understand why I'm seeing it as a problem now? It's assault."

He wilted with a slight nod, picking at the fabric of his jeans. "It's not really that important in the grand scheme of all the people I've ever slept with."

Maddie's look was shrewd. "That's a conversation for another time and requires a whole lot more wine." She held out one hand to him, patting her lap with the other. "I'd say I'm sorry I pried but I'm not, Ev. That shouldn't have happened to you."

He pressed his lips together and tentatively manoeuvred back into her lap, some of the flickers of discomfort and anxiety soothed when her fingers returned to his hair.

"So then… Will you tell me what happened today?" she said, switching the track of the conversation back to what he'd expected all evening and straying too close to information that wasn't his to share. Buck had no idea what Eddie had said to the team after he'd fallen asleep, but given his mostly expressionless stance when Buck had been leaving with Maddie, Eddie certainly hadn't said anything about them. So Buck couldn't tell anything to Maddie now.

"I…don't really know. Hen teased me and I decided to get away and then I- My thoughts spiralled…" He shrugged and waved his hand around but he could tell Maddie was far from convinced from his woefully inadequate explanation. He suspected she'd keep pushing just like she had about that therapist until she got an answer for all her questions.

"Teasing you about what?"

"Maddie…"

"Evan…" She echoed his tone, poking at his collarbone with a sharp nail. "Come on. I'm your sister. There's nothing you can't tell me. Not anymore."

Buck swallowed around all his nerves, knowing he could never out Eddie but…maybe he could at least talk around his feelings with her. Because she was right. She was his sister. She'd been there for all the messy growing up bits that he never talked about with anyone at the 118.

"She…made a comment about me having a girlfriend because of the way I was looking at my phone," he said, his words laboured with hesitation as he gazed up at her to gauge her reaction.

"Oh." Maddie frowned, resuming her petting of his hair. "Why would that be such a problem? They knew about Abby and Ali and you deserve to be happy." It was such a caring-sister thing to say, right before her face morphed into one of ardent curiosity. "Do you have a new girlfriend I need to meet and decide if she's good enough for you?"

He was reluctant to start lying directly to her about gender pronouns but his lack of immediate response confirmed there was someone otherwise he would've just dismissed her. It was clear she knew that because a grin started to spread across her face and she shifted slightly to keep a better sightline on his.

"Oh my God, Evan! Why didn't you tell me about her?" she demanded, poking at him again and again, her voice rising and her pace increasing as she started spitting the questions at him. "How long has this been going on? Where did you two meet? How did you two meet? What's her name?"

And Buck…really couldn't answer most of her questions because it wasn't his place. If he answered one question, everything could unravel and he didn't think Eddie was ready for that yet. Not when he'd been so inconspicuous at the station. When Buck's silence dragged on for too long, he could see the sparkle in her eyes begin to dim, a small downturn in her lips as she scrutinised him. Maybe something in his face gave him away because he saw the way the crease between her brows opened into a dawning understanding.

"It's…not a girl, is it?" she said slowly and he couldn't move fast enough to get out of her lap. Regardless, he still heard her squeaking behind him like she had when he first mentioned having a crush on a guy when he doubted he'd even been ten years old. "Oh my God."

"Maddie-" he began with a sigh but her eyes were alight with questions as she sat up straight.

"You have a boyfriend?" she said, clapping her hands together like an idiot seal that was looking to get fed some fish. Given Buck's inability to provide any sort of answer, she was going to be disappointed. "Oh, this is so much more exciting. You haven't told me about any guys since…what was his name? John? Jack?"

"Benjamin," he muttered as he collected her wine glass to escape to the kitchen. He ran a hand through his hair as he set it in the sink but he should've known his sister wasn't going to give up now. He could hear the excited bounce in her step as she followed him.

"You can't just drop information like that and expect me to leave it alone," she said with a frustrated huff as she gazed at him. It took a lot of willpower for Buck not to let his eyes wander the kitchen, thinking about how he had been pressed against a counter and kissing Eddie and being kissed by Eddie for the first time only a couple of weeks ago. "Come on, Evan. I need details."

He shook his head, hands clamping onto the island bench in front of him as he fixed her with a look that said he wasn't going to be swayed into oversharing. "It's still only early and he is…still figuring out how he feels," he said, his confirmation that there was a guy making the grin return to her face. "It's not my place to say anything else."

She conceded the point with a small nod and sat on one of his stools, propping her elbows on the counter and resting her chin in her palms. "Is he not out?"

"I'm not even sure he's into guys," he said with a slightly nervous laugh. "Besides, it's not like I'm out at the house. So that's a whole conversation I'm not exactly thrilled to have if we ever- uh… if I ever introduce him to them."

Maddie seemed not to notice his small slip because she had a thoughtful expression on her face. "I don't think anyone at the house would care if you came out. I mean, there's Hen, obviously, and Michael. Chin and Bobby seem really accepting of them. I don't know Eddie's stance because he was in the military but you're his best friend. I'm sure he'd be cool with it."

It was really, really hard keeping a straight face. He mostly tried to play it like he was seriously considering her words and at the same time, he knew saying anything to those at the station was more complicated than that simply because it was Eddie. It was an important detail that made a world of difference, and she didn't know it. "Maybe at some point, but not now," he allowed, although he wasn't even sure what part of her musings he was responding to.

"Okay." She pursed her lips and appraised him again. "So you're not sure he's into guys? Why would you even mix yourself up with someone like that?"

"Because he's-" Buck paused, biting the inside of his cheek to avoid oversharing, overspilling, and causing a problem down the track. "Because he's really nice and I'm giving him a chance to take his time in deciding what he wants, Maddie"

"That sounds like you're just accepting you'll get hurt and willingly sacrificing what you want to give him something."

"I- I mean- Maybe." She didn't seem appeased at all by his answer but what did she expect? He'd done a great job at ignoring what he thought he wanted for years, and then he'd stopped focusing on what he wanted by sleeping with anyone who showed an interest. Now he was trying to find some middle ground and Eddie… Eddie was patient and caring and gentle. Even if Buck got hurt, then there was a chance he'd still learn something out of this situation. "But all relationships come with risk, right? I was hurt by Abby leaving and running off to the edge of the world. It doesn't really matter what sexuality someone is or isn't, you know when you get involved with someone that you might get hurt."

He realised the second the words left his mouth that he'd been too flippant and Maddie's eyes shuttered at the words. A heavy weight settled in his stomach, threatening to drag him to a place of self-loathing for the rest of the night.

"Shit. Mads, I didn't mean-"

"I know." She visibly swallowed and exhaled slowly, straightening her shoulders and gazing at him steadily. "I know you didn't, okay? You're not wrong. Relationships do come with a risk of being hurt. I know that and you know that. I- I'm just overprotective of you, you know? I don't want my baby brother being hurt by some guy who might decide he's 100% straight after you've already fallen head over heels for him."

And Buck knew that Eddie deciding he was straight was a possibility, especially when he saw how naturally Eddie moved around the firehouse with him like there was nothing else bubbling beneath the surface, like they didn't exchange quick kisses when they knew no one else was nearby. Buck wasn't even sure if he felt a faint thrill at possibly being caught or just a constant nervous tension that left him nauseous about how Eddie would react if someone did see them.

"You already have fallen head over heels for him," Maddie said, her faintly amused voice breaking into his thoughts, and Buck realised he couldn't deny it. He imagined it was all over his face because he had such little control over his emotions. It probably didn't help that he'd been fighting how he felt for months and now he was starting to come to terms with the possibility that it was reciprocated, that he was actually developing the foundation of something. But he'd have to ask Eddie for some tips on how to keep his face blank. "Please just be careful, Ev? I don't want to be picking up the pieces of your heart because I didn't let you know I was worried about you."

He moved around the kitchen island to wrap his arms around her shoulders, dropping a kiss to her head as she folded her hands around his arms.

"I'll be careful, sister dear," he promised, more grateful than she could ever know or understand that she'd fled to LA and found him. She was starting to be that warm, caring person again who had shielded him from their parents whenever she could and he'd missed being able to call her and rely on her simply because she was blood. There were so many years they'd lost and there were so many years he'd been desperate to know where she was because of her marriage. Regardless of how her relationship with Chimney progressed, no matter who she ended up with or where she decided to put down solid roots, he knew he would never lose touch with her again.

And he'd absolutely destroy anyone who tried to hurt her.

~TBC~