Robert stared at the ceiling in his room, he thought it was odd that he hadn't noticed that the paint was coming off from the top left corner. He blinked slowly twice, the chipped paint annoying him further at every glance. But then again, how many days of the month he really stayed in his own bedroom? Only a handful of them. His bed at the hotel felt more comfortable at this point. He knew all the walls and the paint textures there. He sighed and looked at his right, soft rays of the morning light peeked through his chiffon curtains indicating arrival of another morning without him getting any sleep.
He let out another sigh and brought up his hands to rub his face aggressively. He had spent yet another night tossing and turning without getting enough sleep which resulted in him functioning on half energy. He closed his eyes again, focusing on the soft ticks of the clock in his room. He took a few deep breaths, knowing well enough that a migraine was about to ruin his day further at any moment. Suddenly the sound of the clock became too loud and he snapped his eyes open. He rolled his eyes and regretted immediately when a strong wave of pain covered the entirety of his eyelids. No, wrong decision. He opened his eyes again, cursing internally at the situation he found himself in. He took another deep breath to calm himself down.
"Robert for God's sake" he heard a voice from his left.
He snapped his neck in that direction where Valarie was staring at him with half-open eyes.
"It's 5 in the morning. You've been tossing and turning the whole night again, please let me sleep" she said, her usually soft voice groggy at this crack of dawn hour.
He sighed, feeling bad for waking her up "Sorry" he murmured and laid back down on his pillow trying to be as still as possible.
It was the truth, he hadn't been sleeping well. Not at all. It had been too long since he last slept peacefully. He would either stay up the whole night or sleep with all his senses heightened and the exhaustion would clearly show on his face and body the next day. The last time this happened was when his father passed away, he would spend weeks running on no sleep which seriously deteriorated his health and ultimately affected his work and everyone involved in it. It was a terrible time. The thought of it all returning gave him goosebumps. He wasn't ready mentally or physically to be in that awful space again.
He counted back the days in his head. He had been like this for nearly a month now and there was no prize in guessing the reason behind this sudden anxiety.
Cora.
Of course. He kissed Cora a month ago after a night of partying and since then nothing had been the same. Not him, not the work, and not even them. Every time he thought back on it, he felt shivers up his spine. The phrase halted his breath with every syllable and punished him to no end every morning and night. He felt so many things whenever he thought back on it and he still wasn't sure how to dissect each and every one of them.
There was the guilt of course, there was shame, there was an element of surprise, an element of excitement with a huge scoop of loss with it. It was too much and he had been completely ignoring thinking about it properly ever since it happened. Maybe because he was ashamed to even admit it to himself or maybe because he didn't want to relive it and get hurt again because of all that he lost after the incident. He sighed again and heard Valarie take a deep breath.
He looked at her and chewed on his lower lip "I'm going for a run" he said as he quickly got out of bed, knowing it was useless to hope for an hour or two of sleep.
Robert put his hands on his waist and took a deep breath. The crisp morning air left his face numb but he didn't have the physical energy to mind it. He zipped his sport jacket up to his chin and looked at the empty park around him. It was awfully early to be jogging or exercising but he quickly realized after a week of no sleep that the only way to properly wake up in the morning after a sleepless night was loads of caffeine and exercise. He took another deep breath, feeling the exhaustion and the weight of the events on his shoulders and a migraine that had started to throb in his temples. He shook his head and started with a slow jog, warming up his body in this piercing cold weather.
With every step, his body protested the movement. It happened every day but he knew that the first ten minutes were the hardest, then his body would give up like he gave up on his body every night begging for some sleep.
He knew that the stress was affecting his work and that his family had started to notice. Mary had given him more than his fair share of death stares in the past few weeks, Bates had been constantly piling him up with work that he struggled to finish and Rosamund had been on the verge of being absolutely straightforward with him for weeks now. He tried, he really, really tried to be present and be productive and if he was fair to himself, he had managed very well in the first few weeks but he was only human and his distracted mind and exhausted body were going to support him for only too long.
He had struggled to sleep and had sneakily popped in sleeping pills several times in the past month, but they weren't too helpful. He would manage to sleep of course but even the slightest movement around him would force him up and make the next day more awful than usual.
He started to jog faster now, his breath getting heavier with each step. He wasn't sure how long this was going to last but he sure had had enough of it. He wasn't sure what to do with his concoction of feelings either. What should he do? He couldn't talk to anyone about it and he was struggling to put an end to it all himself. With each passing day, he became more agitated and easily irritated and had no idea how to fix that. He thought back on what happened the last time it all happened and his breath hitched up. Cora.
Cora came into his life and made everything alright again and now because of Cora he was back in that slump and didn't know who to turn to at this point. He started running faster as beads of sweat started accumulating on his forehead. His father's death was something that he shared with his family, it was a loss that had affected everyone around him. But this, this was something personal, too personal and shameful to share with someone.
Now that he thought back on it all, their complicated friendship was bound to lead to something like this. He knew that both of them always had their guards up but the chemistry that they had, the personal things that they had shared with one another, and the excitement of finding someone who they could relate to and trust completely was bound to have a climax and a few drinks and some incoherence decided to shoulder the blame for it all. He sighed again. He didn't blame himself or Cora for being pulled into this friendship, they were both starved for compassion and someone to talk and relate to like that. He had never been this open with anyone and he knew that the same was for her. They were two people who didn't even realize that they were unhappy until they found someone who made the other so incredibly happy by just being in their lives. That feeling was something so foreign to him but it consumed him, mesmerized him, and pulled him further in, and in the excitement and the happiness of it all, he forgot that the one tiny spark that they had found in one another could also lead to a massive fire that would burn everything that they had so sensitively developed.
Robert took a labored breath and started taking longer strides. He was not that person. He was not a cheater, he knew that. In his over two decades of marriage, he had never strayed, never. Even if his married life was pathetically underwhelming, and he had spent that past decade or so being alone most of the time. He was a man of honour and principle and this was something completely out of character for him. He was a good man, maybe he wasn't the smartest or the brightest but he was a kind man, a good man and this was something he had never imagined to have had happened in a million years. He felt guilty, he felt ashamed and he made a mental note to try harder in his marriage, feeling guilty for letting his married life slip by like that. But no one could clap with one hand and he knew Valarie had to put in an equal amount of effort for it to work. He had tried ever since the kiss to work for his marriage harder. It was hard to explain it to Valarie because most of the time she wasn't there and the time she was there, she was mentally absent. It had been a struggle but he had wanted to talk to her to discuss their marriage. So far he had failed to do so for two reasons; one that he had no idea how to start the conversation. They never discussed their relationship or feelings with one another and as weird as it sounded, he felt extremely awkward to discuss it. Which he thought was the problem, he shouldn't feel awkward discussing things with his wife. This wasn't normal. And the second reason was Valarie herself, she was very happy in her own little bubble and didn't seem to care enough to discuss their married life like that and that communication gap was very hard to bridge. Nevertheless, he had tried and was hoping to discuss it in detail with her soon. He had asked her for a date night a few days back and Valarie had finally able to make time for him in her schedule for tomorrow and he was hoping that they could be on the same page and start a new chapter from there. But for starters, he had decided to sleep in his own house and room but he wasn't sure if that was working out as he had hoped since he couldn't sleep much and his constant movement and heavy breathing only annoyed his wife further.
Robert halted his steps and breathed loudly. He put his hands on his knees for support and took a few deep breaths. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked at the sky. London was behaving like its usual self, being dark, cloudy, and grey as ever. He stood up straighter again and prepared for another round. If he was honest to himself, he missed her. He missed her so much. After his father's death, he never thought he would be able to miss someone with that intensity but he did and it was a different kind of pain this time because that person in question was alive and around him every day but he wasn't allowed to approach her or spend time with her. He always labeled his time with Cora as therapeutic and he was desperate for some of that now. Robert started to jog around the park one more time as the thought of that kiss with Cora sent shivers up his spine. If only that hadn't happened, he sighed. In his half-conscious state that night, her beautiful plump lips were irresistible to him, and kissing her felt like a relief of scratching a tingling itch. Well at least for those few seconds before he realized what was happening anyways. It was electrifying, it was exciting, it was soothing but it was also wrong. And he knew the regret was on both sides just like the blame was. Seeing her around every day now felt like a slap, a reminder of what had happened and a loss of that beautiful relationship that they had developed. It had obviously been impossible to ignore her completely, he always knew she was around, he knew the sounds of the clicks of her heels, he knew her sweet laugh that echoed down the corridor, he knew the scent of her perfume, he knew the stain of her lipstick on the cup that he would find in meeting rooms and offices of the family members, knowing that she had left the space because he was about to enter it. It was all torturous. Truly torturous and he was running out of patience to deal with it all and so were the people around him, obviously oblivious to what all had happened. He slowed down his jog again, feeling every inch of his body awakened, and slowly made his way back to his house, crossing his fingers for a better day.
Robert stared at the swirling brown liquid in his cup, looking at his reflection in the liquid as it swayed back and forth. The steam from the piping hot liquid soothing his sleep-deprived, aching eyes. The sore migraine in his head was unusually excruciating today and every little sound or flash of light triggered it further. He sighed in his cup again and took another sip, closing his eyes for momentary relief. He was currently in a meeting with Mary and Rosamund to discuss the quarterly analysis and the budget on the functions and the events that seem to be adding up every day. He looked up at his daughter and sister again, their mouths were moving and the last he heard Mary was doing the sums for the past month but the burning pain in his temple allowed him a small window to focus on the conversation. He took another sip when he realized that someone was tapping on his left hand on the table. He put his cup down and looked at his daughter, her eyebrows reaching the ceiling. Oh boy, he was in trouble!
"Papa?" said Mary sternly.
"Yes?" he replied softly as he gulped down the liquid in his mouth.
"Did you see the figures that I sent yesterday then?" asked Mary.
"Um" he replied scratching his head. He did see an email from Mary.
"The comparative analysis from our competitor" clarified Mary.
Robert stared at her "Oh for the equipment" he murmured.
"No" sighed Mary and rolled her eyes "For the expenses for the events. I sent a revised budget for you to approve and I specifically mentioned in the email that it was urgent" she replied staring at him.
Robert gulped down and looked at his daughter. Yes, now he clearly remembered seeing that email.
"Oh yes, Mary, I saw the email but I didn't have the time to see the figures in detail" he replied honestly, sitting straight back up.
Mary rolled her eyes again "You said the same last week. Papa, this is urgent, we need to lock the figures, you know that right?" she asked.
Robert sighed, knowing that every word of that was true "I know, Mary, I am sorry. I'll have a look after this meeting"
"You have a meeting with Charles Blake after this, Robert" said Rosamund who had been listening in on this conversation intently for the past few minutes.
Robert sighed "I mean after that, of course"
He looked at his sister who slowly nodded at him.
Mary sighed "Anyways, then we are all agreed on the lighting right?" she asked.
Rosamund nodded "Yeah, I think it's fine for now, keeping in mind the budget"
Mary nodded "I agree. Papa?" she looked at him again, the tips of her fingers a tap away from her keyboard.
Robert felt his heart race. He had missed on the whole conversation again.
"Lighting for what?" he asked, now embarrassed at his absent-mindedness.
Mary opened her mouth and looked at Rosamund and then back at him again "Papa…we've been discussing that for the past fifteen minutes" she said closing her laptop.
Robert sighed and pinched his forehead. He felt like an idiot. An absolute idiot.
"Papa, what is the matter, seriously?" Mary asked, her tone slightly softer than before.
He looked at her and could see worry and confusion etched on her face.
"I am fine, nothing's the matter" he replied with a sigh.
"Did something happen with Mama?" Mary asked, raising her eyebrows.
Robert sighed again "No, everything is fine"
Mary rolled her eyes again "You have been saying that for the past month, Papa. It's getting old"
Robert looked at her, his migraine reaching new heights "I have a hundred things to focus on Mary" he replied.
Mary got up from her seat and grabbed her laptop "Maybe because you've been zoning out during fifty of them" she said sternly and Robert could see a glimpse of his mother in her.
She was right, of course she was right. It was his fault entirely and he hated himself for that. He sighed again and looked at Rosamund who was staring back at him.
"Nevermind, I'll discuss this with Bates, and send you an email. You can have a look at it after your meeting with Blake but please confirm it all by tonight" she said.
Robert nodded "I will"
Mary turned in her heels when he spoke up again, feeling guilty for wasting everyone's time "Sorry, Mary" he said.
Mary turned around and sighed "It's alright, Papa" she said and left the room.
Robert sighed and grabbed his cup to stand near the window of the meeting room. He looked at the expanse of the gardens outside and took another sip. He was getting irritated with himself for losing focus and wasting everyone's time and efforts like that. He tried so hard to focus but with the lack of sleep and his brain redirecting towards thoughts that induced more anxiety, he was losing every battle to pay his much-required attention.
He heard some papers shuffle behind him when he realized that his sister was still present in the room. He heard her drag her chair and get up from her seat and cough softly behind him.
"When are you going to talk, Robert?" he heard her speak and he let out a soft sigh, knowing that the conversation wasn't over yet.
"What?" he replied, still staring out the window.
He heard her take a few steps, the sound of her heels getting louder with each step, indicating that she was walking towards him.
She put a hand on his elbow and forced his body towards her "What's the matter?" she asked, looking straight in his eyes, the pale blue of her eyes staring at his bright ones. He knew that look, she was serious this time.
He gulped and shook his head "What do you want, Rosamund?" he asked walking away from her to grab his glass of water placed on the table.
"I want to know what's going on inside you? What is the problem?" she asked, the impatience obvious in her tone.
Robert took a sip from his glass, biding the time "Nothing, I've said a billion times" he said finally.
Rosamund rolled her eyes and walked up to him "Oh, bullshit Robert!"
Robert turned towards her, surprised at her choice of words "Rosamund!"
"Just spit it out, Robert" replied Rosamund, her eyes growing twice their original size.
Robert put his glass back on the table with force, the voice of the contact between the glass and wood echoing in the burgundy room.
"What?" he said raising his tone "What do you want to know?" he asked crossing his arms around his chest.
Rosamund sighed and chewed on her lower lip and then raised her eyebrows. Robert already regretted asking that question.
"Fine" she said, putting her hands on her waist "What happened between you and Cora?" she asked.
Robert skipped a breath, equally surprised and unsurprised by the directness of the question. He felt the colour leaving his face "What?" he replied dumbly.
Rosamund raised her eyebrows again "I asked what happened between you and Cora?" emphasizing on each syllable.
Robert ground his teeth and breathed through his nose. He hated being put on the spot like that but also knew that it was a long time coming. But he wasn't ready to talk about it, he was barely able to admit it all to himself.
"What's Cora got to do with any of this?" he asked, putting all his energy into the pronunciation of the words he uttered so that he wouldn't stutter.
Rosamund let out a sarcastic chuckle and crossed her arms "You really want me to answer that?" she asked.
He didn't. But for the sake of strengthening his argument, he dumbly nodded.
Rosamund put a strand of her hair behind her ear and nodded "Fine. You and Cora got on well. Maybe a little too well. I hadn't seen you this happy in years. You both got instantly hit it off, had a few laughs, went out for dinners, and became really good friends. Almost best friends. Isn't that right?" she asked, grinding her teeth.
Robert dumbly nodded again, not liking the route this conversation was taking.
"Just as I thought" said Rosamund "Then all of a sudden one day, you two stop talking to each other, hell you both stop acting like normal functioning human beings in each other's presence. You zone out, you become awkward, and behave like robots. Both of you! And you both do a shitty job at hiding it. So again, I am asking, what happened between you and Cora?"
Robert just stared at her dumbfoundedly, completely taken aback by the extremely accurate list of details she narrated without stuttering. He could feel his ears ringing in his head and he gulped a couple of times to process the load of the question his dear sister just asked.
He couldn't think of any way to answer this question so he went with the lamest possible choice "This has nothing to do with her" he said.
Rosamund rolled her eyes and rubbed her face "Seriously, Robert. Please stop"
Robert turned around to grab his glass again "No you stop, Rosamund" he replied. His head was throbbing with pain at this point.
"Stop making up stories. Nothing happened" he said and turned back around to face her.
"I am not making up anything, I am simply asking what happened!" she replied.
"Nothing. We've both just been very busy" he said, staring sternly at her.
Rosamund chuckled "Busy with what? You have been zoning out of meetings and she leaves the hotel the minute she gets done with her assignments"
Robert sighed, feeling heartbroken hearing the accuracy of what was happening. It was a different thing to live through it all, but hearing it from a third-person made it all very real and it made him feel sick and extremely upset. He shook his head and sighed. He didn't have the energy to argue.
Rosamund neared him and touched his arm "What's wrong Robert?" she asked.
Robert shook his head "It's nothing like you think" he lied "I just…I just have been having trouble sleeping" he replied with the first truth in this conversation.
"Why?" she asked.
Robert was getting annoyed now "What do you mean why? I just am. Why do you even care, Rosamund?" he replied taking another sip.
Rosamund furrowed her eyebrows "What kind of a question is that, you're my brother!" she replied.
Robert rolled his eyes, huffed loudly, and turned around to grab his phone. There was a silence from the other end for a few seconds before he heard her speak. Her voice cracking for the first time in that conversation.
"And" she said "And I need….I need you right now" she replied, her voice filled with pain.
This was unexpected. Robert quickly turned around to face her, witnessing her eyes glassy with tears. He quickly put his phone down and neared her "What's wrong, Ros?" he asked touching her arm.
Rosamund sighed and shook her head "I joined the hotel back for you….because you were the strong one and I needed that support" she said.
He nodded, getting upset at the sight before him. He knew that of course. She had been reluctant and he convinced her to join back.
"I…" she sighed "It's just..it's Duke's birthday in a few days and I…" she sighed again.
Robert felt like someone punched him in the stomach. Amid his excitement of being with Cora to his sulking for losing her, he had forgotten about the pain Rosamund had recently faced and was in the process of healing from. How could he forget that it was Marmaduke's birthday in a few days? His first birthday since he passed away. He felt sick.
"Oh god, Ros" he said caressing her arm "I am so sorry" he said.
Rosamund shook her head and sighed "I know I don't show but it's been really difficult for me and with his birthday approaching…"
"I know, I know" replied Robert as he took her in a hug. He felt like the worst brother ever. How could he forget that?
He caressed her back as he heard her silently weep in his arms. He hated seeing Rosamund cry. She rarely cried, so whenever she did, it broke his heart.
Rosamund sighed "I can see you are going back to the slump when Papa died" she said.
Robert sighed, glad that she wasn't able to see his face.
"And I need you right now, Robert. I can't do this without your support" she replied.
Robert nodded and softly pushed her back, keeping his hands on her shoulders "You have me, I promise" he said looking into her eyes "I am always here for you, Ros" he said as he gently wiped her tears from the pads of his thumbs.
Rosamund nodded "And I am here for you, Robert. But you need to talk to me about it, or I can't help you" she said softly staring in his eyes.
He knew that. But he wasn't ready to talk about it. To anyone. "I know" he said.
"Fix it" she said "Whatever it is, fix it, please"
Robert sighed "There is nothing to fix" he said. That he knew was true. There truly was nothing to fix. They burned all their bridges that night.
Rosamund stared at him for a moment and nodded "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it…or her. Even if it is completely unrelated to what's happening with you" she said.
Robert felt his breath hitch up at the mention "But I am here whenever you are ready to talk..and by the look of things, I am sure it'll be soon" she replied as she patted his arm and left the meeting room.
He watched her leave the room and sighed when he heard the wooden door shut behind her. The conversation really took a toll on him and he felt twice as exhausted as he did when he entered the meeting. He felt sick, literally and figuratively. He hated seeing his sister in such a state and felt like a fool for not remembering the dates accurately. He also knew that Rosamund's concern about him was also valid. She loved him and was right to worry. But there was nothing that she or anyone could do to help. If Robert could turn back time, he would go back and change things. He would have Cora back in his life, with her sweet smile, her positivity, and kindness. He missed her so much.
He sighed and left the room.
Robert exited the elevator and walked into the seventh-floor corridor. He walked towards his office, reminding himself to later look at the email Mary sent. He felt really bad for slacking off. He was the CEO, he wasn't supposed to be behaving like an amateur. He walked to a corner and then moved to face the giant mirror in that corner. It was huge and he stared at his reflection for a minute. His eye bags were visible and his eyes were red from lack of sleep. What a mess had he made of himself. He looked ten years up his age and he sighed. He moved closer to adjust his coat when he heard the sound of heels coming from the other end of the hallway. He didn't need to turn to see who it was. He felt his breath getting caught up in his throat and his hands froze anticipating the arrival of the person.
"Yes, it's manageable" he heard a soft voice from the other end. He kept staring in the mirror, knowing that it would allow him to fully see the source.
He heard a soft giggle again and he felt butterflies in his stomach. Oh how he had missed that voice. That sweet, sweet voice. He missed making her laugh so much.
"Alright, I'll lock it in" he heard again, as the footsteps grew louder.
He saw as she slowly walked towards her office. Her hair was softly brushing where her neck and shoulders met. He couldn't see her face, not yet, as the phone covered most of her small face. He saw her slender fingers holding the phone to her ear, and caught sight of that small ring she always wore. It made him smile. She told him once that it belonged to her grandmother. He heard another soft giggle. He couldn't see her eyes properly through the mirror and because she was standing too far away but he already knew what shape her eyes and eyebrows would be. He never had a photographic memory but he remembered every little detail about her. She wore a baby pink button-up shirt with white pants and he was aching for her to turn so that he could fully see her. He wasn't sure how someone could look so adorable and breathtakingly beautiful at the same time.
"Yes, no worries" he heard again "Goodbye, Penelope" she said as put her phone down. She then walked slowly and turned a corner towards her office. He knew he was about to get caught because she had a mirror next to her door's wall which would allow her to fully see what was happening towards his end but he somehow couldn't physically move or do anything.
Cora reached out to the door's handle when her eyes momentarily glanced at the mirror next to her and he knew the exact moment she saw him standing at the other end. Her back straightened up and her grip on the door's handle tightened. He saw her gulp as her eyes grew in size.
She was so incredibly beautiful, it nearly killed him. His eyes landed on her lips, she wore a blush pink lipstick and he felt his throat constrict. He had kissed those lips, he thought and another wave of goosebumps and butterflies enveloped him. It was beautiful, magical.
It was wrong, so wrong. He finally sighed and physically forced himself to give her a soft smile. She looked taken aback for a second, her mouth opening slightly and then closing. The corners of her lips moved the tiniest bit, he knew she was trying to smile back. She had a beautiful smile, and he had been the reason for that many times. He hated that it all had come down to this; a forced, confused, and nervous smile from her end.
He removed his hands from the lapels of his coat, unaware that they had become sweaty from his tight grip on them. He turned around and could see her backside. She didn't move, instead continued to look at him through the mirror. She was still holding the door's handle. He sighed again and was about to move and say hello when he heard Bates leave his office next to his.
"Oh, Robert," he said as he moved towards him.
Robert continued looking at Cora when she spotted Bates's arrival and quickly opened her office door and disappeared from his sight. Robert closed his eyes momentarily. Maybe it was for the best that they didn't interact. He wasn't sure if he was glad of Bates's arrival or gutted.
Bates neared him and smiled "How did that meeting go?" he asked.
Robert's focus was still on the closed door of Cora's.
"What?" he said.
"Meeting with Neil"
What?
"What?" Robert's eyes snapped towards Bates.
Bates stared back at him, his eyes opening wider when he realized that Robert was serious.
"Robert, I sent you the Zoom link for 8 am. You didn't join?" Bates asked, his voice covered in panic.
Robert closed his eyes. Shit. "I didn't, I completely forgot"
"Robert!" Bates stated, his pitch higher than normal.
"I know, I know. I'll apologize" he said as he quickly walked towards his office.
"He'll be so pissed, Crawley" said Bates behind him.
"I'll fix it!" he replied as he quickly entered his office.
He had to fix it.
Robert played with the corner of his table napkin as he waited for Valarie to come and join him back at the table. As promised, Robert had taken Valarie out on a dinner date to a restaurant of her choice. He should've known that she'd choose a place that belonged to one of her friends and of course she did. It was exactly the kind of place Robert didn't enjoy – too exclusive and full of controversial influencers in London society. He never felt comfortable in such places, he always felt like he was being watched or observed for anything and everything. From the suit, he was wearing, down to the food he had ordered. He felt like he was being judged for everything and it never made him feel comfortable. Of course, he always chose such places for work meetings or deals but for a date night with his wife, it was highly unsuited. More so because every now and then he would spot someone he knew and was bound to have a short conversation with them. In other stances, he wouldn't have minded it too much but for a night like this, it only irritated him. He sighed as he took a sip of his water, feeling like an idiot abandoned at the table.
Valarie had of course gone up to say hi to the owner of the restaurant who was one of her friends and had been out of his sight for the past fifteen minutes. The night was already proving to be a disaster but he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.
He sighed again, abandoning the napkin to take a look at his phone. He answered a handful of emails until he heard Valarie walk back up to the table to join him. She wore a purple knee-length dress without sleeves.
He put his phone away when she sat down opposite him with a big grin on her face.
"Lucas is hilarious, he said hi" she replied.
Robert sighed and forced a smile "You took a while" he stated.
Valarie nodded and grabbed her glass to take a sip of her water "He was telling me about a franchise he is opening in Birmingham. I'm thinking of lending him a hand" she said.
Robert raised his eyebrows "How so?"
"I'll do the interior for him and maybe invest a little in it, it's bound to be successful," she said.
Robert smiled at her "Why don't you do interior decorating at the hotel sometime?" he asked.
Valarie rolled her eyes "Rosamund and I clash when it comes to taste. She has a hideous choice, so I'd rather not" she stated.
Robert nodded at her.
"So, what's the occasion?" said Valarie gabbing her phone to take a look at her messages "Why are we here?"
Robert opened his mouth to answer her and then sighed. He stayed silent for a moment and just stared at her texting back on her phone. He gulped and took a deep breath.
A few seconds later, Valarie put her phone down "Did you say something?"
Robert shook his head "I didn't. I was waiting for you to finish" he said pointing at her phone.
Valarie raised her eyebrows "I don't type with my ears, Robert"
Robert wanted to give a stern reply but sighed instead. He promised he'd try.
"Alright" said Robert as he sat back straighter "We haven't been out in a long time together, so I wanted to catch up, I feel like we don't know anything that's happening in each other's lives"
Valrie nodded "Sweet gesture, Robert, but I will have to disagree at one thing"
Robert stared at her and Valarie continued "I know far too much of what's happening in your life"
Robert felt his breath hitch up. Did she know? She couldn't.
"W-what?" he replied.
Valarie rolled her eyes "It's all I hear, this happened at the hotel, that happened at the hotel, yada yadaa…twenty-four seven, it's all I hear from all of you, it's so annoying" she said.
Robert breathed out the air that he had been holding through his nose. A sigh of relief.
"Oh" he said clearing his throat.
"Seriously, it's like I can't even talk to any of you without work coming in between the conversation," she said.
Robert nodded "It is a family business, Valarie. And almost everyone is a part of it one way or the other"
Valarie sighed "I know but we don't always have to talk about work" she sighed.
Robert nodded. It annoyed him the way Valarie spoke about the hotel but he reminded himself again to not ruin the evening further.
"Alright, let's talk about something else" said Robert,
Valarie stared at him for a second, taken aback by how easily he let go of the conversation about the hotel.
"Okay" she finally said.
Robert nodded at her, waiting for her to initiate a topic but there was silence. A few seconds passed with both of them staring at each other to bring up a topic. It was awkward, to say the least. This was not how one was supposed to behave with a spouse of twenty-seven years.
He sighed, taking the silence as the signal to discuss what he had initially planned to discuss.
He cleared his throat "Actually" he coughed again "there was something that I wanted to discuss"
Valarie nodded as her phone buzzed again "What's that?" she asked as she grabbed her phone again.
Robert sighed and shook his head "Valarie, please" he said.
Valerie looked up at him and sighed, putting her phone away "Yes, go ahead" she stated.
Robert nodded back as he felt the awkwardness creeping up at him again. He wasn't sure how to frame the question or the topic without making it sound weird but he tried "I wondered…" he said.
"What?" she replied.
Robert opened his mouth again, slightly annoyed at being cut off like that. "I wondered if you ever thought about us?"
Valarie furrowed her eyebrows "What do you mean?"
Robert put his hands on the table and sighed "Just where we're going, how we are…about our marriage"
Valarie let out a chuckle "That is a weird question, Robert. What is there to think about?" she asked staring him in the eyes.
Robert was taken aback by that. He didn't expect her to answer it this casually, not when he had been putting all his efforts to discuss the topic sensitively without hurting her feelings. Robert stared at her, surprised at the casualness in her tone. He took a breath and started again.
"I mean, where we are in our marriage, how are we going to move forward-"
"Robert" she cut him off.
He stared at her.
"What are you trying to ask, just say it…what's with the going round and round?" she asked.
This time Robert struggled to keep his annoyance in control, he rolled his eyes "Look Valarie, I'm just trying to talk about something that's been bothering me"
Valarie sighed "Then please do, but do so clearly" she said staring at him.
Robert sighed and grabbed his glass to take a sip. He put his glass back and nodded "Okay" he said. "When we got married, is this how you pictured our married life to be in twenty-five years?" he asked, as simple as it was possible.
Valarie stared at him and chewed on her lower lip. He was glad that at least she was taking time in answering this time and not jumping straight to superficial answers.
"I think so..I guess" she replied.
Robert took a breath "Care to elaborate?" he asked, getting annoyed with her.
Valarie stared at him and shook her head "I mean I wanted to have grown up children by this point, I wanted to have a few businesses to my name and be in this circle-"
"Valarie" Robert cut her off.
She looked at him.
"Darling, I am not talking about you, I am talking about us" he replied as politely as he could muster at that moment. He couldn't believe his ears.
Valarie sighed "Robert, what do you mean honestly. What is with these questions? What about us?"
Robert pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He had to find another way "Fine, I'll go first" he said.
"Please" said Valarie sternly.
Robert sucked the inside of his cheek and nodded, praying to god that the words would come out right this time "When we got married, yes as you said, I also wanted to have grown up children by this point" he said, using her examples to try to get her to understand.
"But…I also pictured a few other things in twenty-five years of time. I wanted us to spend more time together, go on trips together, or even smaller things, like having dinner together every night or as little as spending quality time with each other at the end of every day" he said.
He stared at Valarie to chip in but she stared back at him.
Robert sighed "Are you going to say something?" he asked.
Valarie raised her eyebrows at him "What? We do spend time together. In fact, you all spend too much time together. We talk every night."
Robert rolled his eyes "No Valarie, you talk and I listen"
Valarie raised her eyebrows "Because you all just talk about the hotel. I at least have something interesting to say. And about travel, I always ask you to travel with me but you are always busy with work or don't want to come"
"It's because you always have your friends on the trips with us and you know how I feel about that" he said.
"So what? My friends have been so generous and they make the trips so much more interesting. It is nice to step out of the circle, Robert. It is refreshing. You would know if you ever join. And didn't I just suggest a family trip a few days ago? You all just laughed at me"
Robert shook his head "We didn't laugh. Everyone was just surprised that you proposed one with just family"
Valarie sighed "There you go! You just proved me right, you all aren't satisfied either way"
Robert sighed "It's not that, Valarie"
"And especially Rosamund, I mean what is her problem with me now? And Mary has also been pushing my buttons lately"
Robert rolled his again for the umpteenth time, his migraine from the previous day creeping up again.
"So what you're saying is that you have no hopes and dreams for our future? You are fine as we are?" he asked.
Valarie sighed "I am not saying that. I do want things, I want to see our grandchildren someday, I want Sybil to get married to a great guy"
Robert nodded "That's great," he said, trying to muster a smile "But what about us, you and me?"
Valrie shook her head "We're fine. In fact, we are doing great, Robert. Most of my friends have had multiple divorces by this point. We're gold."
Robert sighed "It's not nice to compare ourselves to totally failed marriages"
Valarie sighed "You are being too idealistic. Since when have you become so emotional about these things? Is this a mid-life crisis? Stop overthinking, honey we are great, we're well suited, we have wonderful children and great careers. I don't know what it is you're not satisfied with" she said.
Robert nodded at her. He knew that was the end of the conversation. He had tried but she had a totally different outlook on how life should be. For her, it was her world, and he was just a small part of it. He sighed and nodded.
"Now, can we please order, I'm starving," she said.
Robert sighed and called for the waiter.
Dinner passed by painfully slowly. It wasn't anything like he had pictured. Valarie had soon started talking about her friends and the new franchise of Lucas she was planning on investing, Robert as usual listened to it quietly, zoning out every few minutes. He was disappointed, he wasn't going to lie. He knew the conversation was going to be difficult but he didn't expect nor appreciate the casualness in her tone. It was important to him and he was really disappointed at how the conversation ended. Was he being too idealistic? No. He thought no, he only wanted to mend the gap with his wife but by the look of things that wasn't going to happen and Valarie didn't mind nor cared that it was something that bothered him. He shouldn't be surprised, but he was. And he was saddened by it all.
After dinner, he took the last few sips of his sherry and was about to ask if she was ready to leave when the last person he expected to see in the restaurant showed his face.
Simon Bricker walked towards their table with a stupid smile plastered on his face. Robert resisted the urge to groan. As if he wasn't annoyed enough. He gave him a polite nod and hoped that that was it but the man continued to walk towards him. He braced himself to meet him when he saw Simon move to the left to make his way through the tables and behind him was Cora, walking silently with her head down low. Robert's sip of sherry tingled his tongue as he struggled to gulp it down. What was happening? He wasn't sure.
His feelings of annoyance quickly turned into flutters and panic when his eyes met hers. She wore an olive dress that reached her toes which beautifully contrasted against her milky skin. Finally, they both reached their table and Robert forced a smile at them.
"Small world, isn't it?" said Simon as he extended his hand towards him.
Robert slowly took his hand and shook it "Mr Bricker" he said and looked at Cora, who looked extremely uncomfortable being there. She wasn't the only one, he felt just as awkward. "Cora" he finally said as her eyes met his. His breath got caught up in his throat again. He hadn't looked this directly in her eyes in weeks and it unnerved him, it left him breathless.
"Hello, Robert" she forced a soft smile at him and quickly turned her gaze to Valarie "Mrs Crawley" she said.
Valarie raised her eyebrows and nodded at her.
Robert cleared his throat "Valarie, this is Simon Bricker. Cora's husband"
Simon extended his hand towards Valarie that she cautiously took "Nice to meet you, Mrs Crawley. I have heard a lot about you"
Robert stared at him. Where on earth did he hear about his wife?
Valarie's eyebrows raised further "Good things, I hope"
"Only the best. Nathan only sings praises of you" he replied with a nod.
Robert was confused at the conversation and looked at Cora, who looked back at him with equal confusion. He knew that face. She was saying that she didn't know either and Robert just sighed.
"Oh, you know Nathan?" asked Valarie.
Simon nodded at her "Yes, we're good mates. We meet here often for drinks"
"Oh" replied Valarie.
Robert tried hard to remember who on earth Nathan was when he remembered that it was one of her Australian photographer friends who she had suggested to replace Jarvis. But how on earth did Simon know him?
"In fact I saw him at the Ivy the other day and he showed me what you had done for his studio. I loved what you've done with the place" Simon added.
Robert wanted to roll his eyes at him. He hated the man. Absolutely hated him. Cora had mentioned several times that he was a smooth talker and was always trying to make his way into the high society of London but witnessing it first hand really made him want to vomit. He looked at Cora, who chewed on her lower lip, looking embarrassed. He felt bad for her.
Valarie looked at Robert and raised her eyebrows "Well, I am glad someone appreciates it"
Robert looked back at Valarie and nodded. He knew it was a snarky remark for him but he couldn't care enough to mind. His focus was on Cora who was ready to run out of the restaurant as fast as possible.
"Care for a drink?" proposed Simon.
Cora took Simon's forearm and squeezed gently "We wouldn't want to intrude," she said.
Simon looked at him and stared for a second "Are we intruding, Mr Crawley?" he asked.
Robert stared at Cora and then back at Simon. Having drinks with him was the last thing he wanted but he had little choice but to say yes when put on the spot like that.
"Of course not" he replied politely.
He felt Cora glare at him from Simon's side and he felt his cheeks turn red. He gulped down and asked the waiter to join two more chairs to the table.
Robert took a sip from a fresh glass of sherry, barely tasting the liquid while staring at the table in front of him. Valarie had switched seats to sit next to him which meant that Cora was sitting exactly opposite him, right in his view. He tried to avoid looking directly into her eyes. He was already struggling these days to keep focus, looking in her blue orbs would completely transport him in some other dimension. So instead he stared at the table, where her hands were placed. Her fingers were entangled together and he quietly observed their shape. Her hands, he wondered. He'd shook them and touched them several times and looking at them at that moment, he already knew that they were cold. Her hands were always cold, he felt that every time he shook them, or every time they brushed past his when she handed her her camera or a bunch of papers. He once made fun of them at which she sweetly blushed. The memories now put a dagger in his heart. He carefully looked up towards her and saw that she was staring at Valarie who was sitting next to him. Her eyes then met his and his heart quickened. He managed a soft smile which she struggled to reciprocate. Thankfully, Valarie and Simon were busy chatting.
"So how come I've never heard about you? You seem to know so many of my friends" said Valarie. And for the first time in his life, Robert wanted to laugh at the natural harshness in her tone.
Simon took a sip of his vodka and smirked at her "I am as surprised as you are. In fact, I didn't know you were Robert Crawley's wife" he said.
Valarie nodded at that.
"You come here often?" asked Robert.
Simon looked at him and nodded "Quite often. We were actually having dinner with a friend of mine and were about leave when we saw you, so we thought we should come say hi" he replied as he placed his hand on Cora's thigh, making Robert curl his hand in a fist.
Robert looked at Cora and by the look on her face, he knew that it was most definitely his idea.
Robert nodded.
"So how do you know Nathan?" Valarie asked.
Simon nodded "I met him at Sally's party. I am sure you know Sally Burton"
Valarie raised her eyebrows "I don't"
Simon nodded "She's Nathan's sister-in-law, she's in real estate"
Valarie nodded at him.
Robert felt a strong migraine creep up again. He wanted to groan loudly every time he heard an unfamiliar name. He looked at Cora again, who slowly sipped on her red wine. Her pink lips staining at the contact with the dark liquid.
Beautiful. She was so beautiful.
"So you are a professor?" asked Valarie.
Robert could tell by her tone that she was quickly getting disinterested in the conversation. It happened rarely but this time he would completely agree with her. This Simon Bricker was a human definition of a headache.
"How interesting" said Valarie flatly "And what about you Carol—Cora, sorry. How come you're in this field?"
Robert clenched his teeth at the wrong use of her name. She knew very well that her name was Cora. Robert felt himself getting angry and took a big sip of his drink. He was not going to let her insult Cora like that.
Cora opened her mouth to answer when Simon cut her off.
"She was a teacher too actually. And she had a great job at the National History Museum"
Cora let out a soft sigh and smiled softly at Valarie. Simon's behaviour didn't help Robert's rage at all. He clenched his fist again trying to calm himself down. How dare he cut her off like that?
"Oh, really?" said Valarie.
"Yeah she was, right babe?" said Simon on behalf of Cora.
Cora smiled at him and nodded softly "Yes, I was"
"So now you're in….photography?" asked Valarie.
Robert looked at Valarie and wanted to leave the table and take Cora with him. She had a way of saying the simplest things in such a demeaning manner. He hated it. He hated it more that such a tone was used for Cora.
"It's a great start-up now. She has an amazing portfolio. She is very successful" quickly chipped in Robert.
He looked at Cora who gave him a small smile. He tried to smile back.
Simon chuckled at that "It is successful now, that is for sure but all thanks to you" he said.
Robert's snapped his head in Simon's direction.
What? He thought. He couldn't believe his ears.
"I was very worried when she left her job at the museum, and I wasn't very keen on the start-up but Hotel Grantham put in a lot of faith in her and gave her this opportunity so all thanks to you and your family for making it such a hit. She is very grateful" he emphasized by putting his arm around Cora and smiling.
Valarie smiled "My husband is very kind and trusting" she added.
Robert's grip on his glass tightened. He wanted to smash the glass on top of his head. Was he really Cora's husband? Did she even know who Cora really was? His mind drifted back to his earlier conversations with Cora, how surprised she used to get at every little compliment. Now he understood why, because she had this douchebag of a husband. Robert felt his blood boil inside his veins. This was wrong. So, so wrong. He treated her like a doll, like an object…a showpiece. His anger flared up further. He used a woman like Cora to make contacts and to make his stupid way in high society. He was so full of himself, it was disgusting.
Robert gulped and tried to answer through his clenched teeth "I would completely disagree" he said.
Cora's eyes snapped at him.
"Cora saved our hotel. We would be in a deep hole if she hadn't rescued us. So it is the other way around. We are grateful to her and are honoured that she decided to work for us"
There was silence at the table for a few seconds. Everyone stared at him.
"That is nice of you" said Simon.
"That is very honest of me, Mr Bricker" he replied.
He looked at Cora who looked as if she was somewhere else mentally. She then slowly looked at him and nodded. He could see the pain in her eyes and it killed him. It angered him so much. This was wrong, totally wrong.
"Thank you, Robert" Cora replied with a soft smile. "And now I think we should be leaving, I have an early start tomorrow" she added.
Simon nodded at her as they all got up to say goodbyes.
"Lovely meeting you, Mrs Crawley" said Simon.
Valarie politely took his hand and nodded.
"Mr Crawley" said Simon as he extended his hand.
Robert wanted to break knuckles but simply shook his hand "Mr Bricker"
"Bye, Robert" said Cora.
Robert looked into her eyes. All he wanted was to take that pain away. One look at her and he would forget all about his throbbing headache and aching body. When she was around, he struggled to focus on anything else. She had that magic and now witnessing the pain in her eyes angered him. It made him furious. He had never felt this angry. How could anyone treat a woman like Cora that way? She was perfect in every sense, so kind, so down to earth and so sweet. She only deserved the best in life and it killed him knowing that they had messed up the situation so badly now that they couldn't even talk about this. He wanted to save her. He would do anything to make her happy. Anything.
"Bye, Cora" he replied softly, his eyes tingling at the sight of her leaving.
The night was cold and it had rained a few hours ago, making everything around him gleam and glisten. Robert increased his pace and ran around his neighborhood faster than usual. What had happened a few hours ago had upset him, it had really messed with his head and made him so angry that he needed a timeout to get a grip on himself again. Soon after returning, he told Valarie that he was going out for a jog. She said something about it being too late and the fact that he had just eaten but he couldn't care. He needed to go out and breathe without feeling the urge to crack that stupid man's head. And if he was honest, he wasn't in the mood to talk to Valarie either. Her behavior towards Cora was inexcusable. She was rude to her and he felt so embarrassed. But Valarie was someone he could talk to or had some sense of authority on but Simon Bricker….what did he think of himself? Who even was he? Someone who made his name by his sleazy behavior and fake niceties. He was no one. He was nothing.
And he had Cora as his wife. Someone who was brilliant and incredibly talented, someone who was kind and sweet and empathetic and hardworking. Someone who was respectable and dignified. She was a wonderful person, truly wonderful and it made him so angry to see the kind of a man she had to live with. He was his only family. Because that bastard didn't want to have babies. The blood in his veins started boiling as he increased his pace.
That man deprived her of her family and treated her like an object in public. Robert couldn't imagine her postion. If he had to give up on his family and live with a person who thought of him as someone beneath them, he didn't know what he would do. Run off, probably. But Cora continued to live with him, and just him.
Her face from the day she told him that she lost her baby flashed before his eyes, and Robert felt the breath leave his body. She was so hurt and in so much pain. It was a sin. It was a sin to hurt such a wonderful person.
"I begged him"
Her words from that day echoed back to him and he felt a ringing in his ears as his eyes became glassy. He started running faster, trying to focus on his labored breaths.
"I begged him, Robert, I begged him"
Her tear-strained voice echoed back to him as he felt a sob in his throat. He started running faster. He wasn't sure where he was going. Her eyes, he thought. Her beautiful blue eyes. They twinkled when she laughed or narrated a story. How cruel does one have to be responsible for the tears in them? Her nose too. Her sweet, little nose would crinkle at the cold weather and instantly turn pink as her palms did. Her soft, cold, beautiful palms.
Her face from the dinner earlier appeared again. She looked lost. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to make her laugh and smile. He wanted her with him.
He ran faster and faster, now at the speed that thoroughly confused his body. He felt an ache in his shins but he could care. He only cared about her at that moment.
He missed her. He missed her smile and the sound of her laughter. He missed not having her in his life now.
His mind flashed back on the colour of her lips earlier. They looked beautiful. They were so soft to kiss. He still felt the goosebumps from that day.
Robert shook his head. Where the hell was this going? Why did it all happen? Why? Why couldn't they just be friends? Why was this so difficult.
That man's stupid face appeared before him and he felt the veins in his forehead throb. Sweat now dripped shamelessly down his forehead.
He was angry. He was furious. He was so furious at that man, at his wife, at the kiss, at the situation and his feelings. He couldn't take it anymore. He was tired. He was so exhausted. How was he supposed to deal with all of this? It was too much. It was too painful.
"She is very grateful"
He heard his voice in his head again and grimaced, halting in his steps and blacking out by the anger and the adrenaline. He breathed loudly and yelled "Fuck!" as he punched the freezing metal of the street light with all that he had.
He tumbled back a few steps, staring at his bruised knuckles. He was sure he fractured a couple of them. His back his the wall next to him and he closed his eyes.
He could only see her.
Hello guys! Long time. Sorry, I had been really busy and had a few health scares that kept me really occupied. I am fine now and found a little window to write this chapter. It is a long one! You all wanted to hear from Robert so here you go!
I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter. As always, I am REALLY looking forward to all your reviews. TELL ME EVERYTHING, PLEASE! Hahaahah! Your love and reviews is what that keeps me going and what motivates me every time to update amidst my crazy schedule.
Love you all, enjoy!