Word Count: 3,185
Warnings/Spoilers: This chapter contains descriptions of serious injuries.
"Family of Diaz?" the doctor repeated, eyeing each of them as Isabel shook his hand and introduced herself. "Let's start with the important stuff – he made it through surgery."
Buck thought his knees would've given out on him if he hadn't needed to hold Christopher.
"Mister Diaz was brought to us this morning with two gunshot wounds," the doctor said, failing to sanitise his words even as Chris clung to Buck tighter. "He lost a lot of blood before he got here so we needed multiple units of blood during surgery. He needed a splenectomy, which should heal within a month, however he will require physical therapy for his arm. The bullet caused some damage and I expect that prognosis will slow his return to full-time work."
"He's okay," Buck whispered to Chris, whose tiny snuffling breaths sounded like he was on the verge of dissolving into tears because he didn't understand the complicated language. "He's okay, buddy. He's alive."
"-remain in the ICU overnight and into tomorrow as he is at significant risk of secondary infections. We have to see how his wounds are healing and how stable his heart and breathing are before we'll reduce the sedation and move him to a regular ward."
"Can we see him?" Isabel said, her hand settling around Buck's arm even as she continued to stare at the doctor. "We are his family. Please."
The doctor's gaze moved from Isabel, to Buck, to Christopher's tiny, hidden face against Buck's chest. "He won't be conscious."
"I wanna see my Daddy," Christopher whimpered, which seemed to resolve that aspect of the doctor's uncertainty.
"I can't allow all of you at once," he said apologetically, looking at Bobby and Hen and Chim.
"It's fine," Bobby said, giving a little wave and a nod of understanding. "Family first. We know the rules. We'll stay here."
And Buck didn't know what to do with that. He thought Isabel had just meant her and Christopher but when she kept her hand firmly fixed on Buck's arm, tugging him alongside her as the doctor turned to lead them into the labyrinth of the hospital, he felt like his thoughts were tumbling over each other. He wasn't Eddie's family. Not after the fight they'd had this morning. Not when Buck had ended it this morning.
But he couldn't tell anyone that.
He couldn't handle Christopher's face fall when he found out.
"Are you sure you all want to go together?" the doctor asked, swiping his card against a keypad. The doors opened to a ward that was unnaturally quiet and yet filled with irregular beeps and whooshing sounds everywhere behind rooms of glass with curtains covering the gaps. The man gave Christopher a pointed look.
"I wanna see Daddy," Christopher repeated, fixing the doctor with his own pointed look.
"You sure, bud?" Buck murmured, adjusting Chris against his hip and dragging his knuckles against the little boy's cheek gently. "There will be a lot of tubes and wires and it will be scary."
"Scarier than the tsunami last year?"
Buck paused, unsure how to answer that. He glanced at Isabel but she just shrugged helplessly. "I…don't know if it'll be scarier than that but Ed- Your Dad won't be able to talk to you."
"That's okay." Christopher's eyes wavered as he found Buck's gaze, a shy smile on his lips. "I can still talk to him, right?"
"I- Y-Yeah, you can. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you." He kissed Christopher's forehead, ignoring the smile that Isabel directed towards him. It reminded him too much of all the fond smiles Eddie used when he was affectionate with Chris, tugging at sore parts of his heart. "I know I always felt better when you came to visit me in the hospital last year."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, champ."
He pressed another kiss to Christopher's forehead, twisting some of the loose curls off his face. He wondered whether Eddie would want this, whether Eddie would be comfortable with his son seeing him in such a way. He knew Chris had struggled with nightmares but who was Buck to try to stop Chris from seeing his father? The kid was stubborn and scared and Buck was at a loss.
"And you know what? Your Dad loves you even more than I do so I know he'd love to hear you even if he can't talk right now."
Chris smiled nervously, chewing his bottom lip for a solid minute as his fidgeting fingers gradually grew still against Buck's chest. With a deep breath, he looked up at Buck. "Okay, I'm ready."
Buck glanced at Isabel and the doctor, the latter nodding and leading them towards a curtained room with a large number 5 above it. Buck inhaled, making sure he had a firm grasp on Chris, and felt Isabel's hand return to his arm, squeezing lightly as she stepped after the doctor past the curtain.
Mustering every bit of reinforcement that had been guarding his heart for the last month or so, he shifted through the gap in the fabric. Christopher trembled against him as their eyes swept over Eddie.
He was a big guy ordinarily, only slightly shorter than Buck but solid with all his muscles, but Buck wasn't sure Eddie had ever looked smaller. There was a tube taped to his mouth leading to the artificial breather, and most of his upper body was exposed so they could clearly see the tubes that spilled from his torso like some sort of grotesque science experiment. There was a large patch of bandaging across his left side and another series of bandages around his left arm. In his right hand was an IV, connected to multiple bags of clear fluid hanging from a metal bar. In his left hand was another IV with a red coiling tube that led to another blood transfusion. There were wires attached to his chest leading to the quiet bleeping of the EKG, and there was a blood pressure gauge attached to his index finger, and it was…it was just so much for Buck to take in that he struggled to imagine how Chris was processing it.
"Daddy…" Christopher whimpered, reaching out. Buck carefully placed Chris' feet on the floor and helped him take a few halting steps forward, finding a place where the kid could stand and curl a loose hand around several of Eddie's fingers.
And Eddie… Eddie was so pale, like the white of the sheets beneath him. His rumpled hair seemed stark against his cheeks. It had to be Buck's imagination that Eddie somehow managed to look miserable among all the drugs and tubing and wires, but he still thought it had to be his fault that Eddie looked like that. Even heavily sedated, utterly unconscious, Eddie's broken heart managed to reveal itself beneath the layers of other injuries.
He choked on a breath, or maybe his guilt and shame and nausea. He turned, escaping the room before he threw up or suffocated. Leaning against the glass wall outside Eddie's room, he rubbed a hand against his chest and tried to remember how to breathe in, and breathe out, and breathe in, and breathe out.
"It's a lot to take in." The doctor appeared beside him, sliding his cap from his head and letting brown curls threaded with grey spike free. "We expect him to pull through, although I know that's a difficult comfort to hear right now."
It was, and it wasn't, but not for the reasons that the doctor might have expected.
"Thank you," he whispered, and the doctor gave him a gentle, understanding smile before leaving him against the wall.
Perhaps fifteen minutes went by before Isabel emerged with her hand tight in Christopher's, holding him up as he took stumbling steps in the absence of his crutches.
"Do you want a moment alone?" she said and Buck hesitated.
"Tell Daddy you love him, Buck," Christopher said, shooting him a grin that Buck did not deserve.
He ruffled Chris' hair and inched back into the room, struggling once again with where to look, where to stand, where to find all the words he needed to say even though he knew Eddie wouldn't truly hear any of them anyway.
"I- I'm so sorry, Eddie," he whispered, touching his hand to Eddie's shin because at least that seemed undisturbed by tubes and wires. "I'm so- What I said this morning- I just want to turn the clock back and…take it back. Take it all back. It- This wasn't meant to happen, Eddie and I-"
He swallowed, casting his eyes over Eddie's prone body again and wondering if it would even matter that he'd been here. Eddie would probably wake up in a few days and tell the nurses to block him from returning.
"I really hope you wake up. Because the team… I'm pretty sure the team knows because of your kid and I- I need to know what…what to do with that because if it…if it could change anything between us at work, not just outside of work, then I- I want to be able to talk about that and not…not destroy you this time."
He kissed his fingertips and lowered them to Eddie's ankle, trying not to focus on how cool Eddie's skin was when he was always so warm. And Buck wanted to say more – so much more – but he needed Eddie to be awake, and he needed to know how Eddie felt – if he felt anything – and he needed to have Eddie's hand feeling warm and alive in his, and he needed to stop feeling like he was going to cry and throw up every day for the rest of his life.
For now, he supposed, he'd said all he could say. It wasn't much. It wasn't enough. But it would have to do. Swallowing his emotions, he left the room and found Isabel seated near the entrance to the ICU as she talked quietly with Christopher beside her. Chris spotted him as he approached, holding out his arms. Buck easily lifted the kid onto his hip again, holding out a hand to Isabel who squeezed it briefly before letting it go.
"How are you doing, baby?" he said, cradling Chris' cheek and gazing into his eyes. Christopher's usual smile was gone, replaced by fear and sadness in the depths of his wandering hazel eyes. Buck wasn't sure that allowing Chris to see his father had been the right thing anymore. The nightmares Chris had about Shannon drowning in the tsunami would be nothing compared to this.
"Can I stay with you?" Chris said and Buck bit his lip and looked at Isabel.
"I know Eddie trusts you with Christopher, so I do too. If he wants to stay with you, then please, care for him," Isabel said calmly. "You will bring him back tomorrow, yes?"
Buck didn't deserve the love of the Diaz family.
"We'll stay at your Dad's place," Buck said, running fingers through Chris' hair as he nodded his thanks to Isabel as well as his assurance that he would return Chris first thing in the morning. "That alright with you?"
Chris nodded, fisting his hands into Buck's shirt as Buck shifted his weight for the return walk to the waiting room.
"I will stay here a little while," Isabel said, squeezing Christopher's foot. "I will not leave him until they kick me out."
"I can stay-"
"Take Christopher home," she said, shaking her head at Buck and offering a tired smile. "I will call his parents and sisters to tell them what has happened. Josefina will come and sit with me. For now, take care of my great-grandson, Evan."
He nodded, exiting the ICU and following the signs back to the ER. Christopher asked him questions about some of the medical jargon, or when Eddie would wake up, or when he'd be able to hug his father again. Buck wished he had the answers to those questions but he didn't even have an answer to what they were going to have for dinner.
He found the crew right where he'd left them, sitting with another woman he didn't recognise. Hen saw him first, reaching out to alert Chim and Bobby as she stood and moved towards him.
"How is he?" she said and Buck just…didn't know how to answer. He held Christopher against him, fighting the latest rush of tears – surely he had cried enough today? – and could barely meet her eyes as she wrapped him, and Christopher, in a tight hug.
A moment later, he felt another pair of arms surround him, and then another pair. He hid his sobs in Christopher's shoulder, feeling the way the tiny body quaked against his too, as his team held him together and sheltered him from everyone else in the waiting room while he got his rampaging emotions under control. He almost regretted agreeing to take care of Christopher tonight. He wouldn't mind finding his way to the bottom of a bottle.
The pressure of all the arms gradually lessened and he was just left with Hen's hand settling against his back. The random woman had stood and now that Buck could pay enough attention to look at her properly, he could see the butterfly stitches holding together her brow and the blooming bruise against her jaw.
"This is Beatrice," Hen said, gesturing the woman closer. Except calling her a woman betrayed that she was probably younger than Buck, and would probably be Maddie's height. a foot shorter than him.
"Are you Christopher?" she asked nervously as Chris gazed at her, like he was evaluating who this strange woman was and whether she could be trusted. Eventually, with maybe a little press of Buck's hand against his leg, the kid gave an uncertain nod. "You- Your Dad talked about you. I- I'm really pleased to meet you."
She held out her hand and Chris tentatively reached for it after Buck adjusted him to set Christopher's feet on the ground. "You know my Dad?" Chris asked as she gave his hand a gentle shake.
"Yeah, he-" Her eyes shone with barely retained tears, and she pulled her hand away from Chris to wipe at her cheeks when a few escaped. "He saved my life."
"He did?" Chris looked at her in awe while Buck glanced between – what was her name again? Barbara? Bianca? – and the rest of the crew.
"Yeah. I- Um… Some guys weren't being real nice to me but your Dad- He saw it and he called out to them to stop. I- I'm so sorry he's so hurt," she said, her voice shaking as she knelt in front of Christopher, "but he talked a lot about you while we waited for the ambulance. He really loves you."
Chris broke into the first genuine smile Buck had seen all day, although he noticed it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I love him too. Buck said he's going to be okay."
"Buck?" Her eyebrow arched as she looked up and met Buck's eyes. "He talked about you too."
"He…did?" His voice was rough when it escaped his tight throat and he coughed to try to clear the lump that threatened to make him start crying again.
"He said… He said you'd be upset and that you needed to know it wasn't your fault," she said, rising again and touching his upper arm lightly. "He wanted you to take care of Christopher. And- And he- He made sure I knew to tell you that he hopes you'll talk to him when he wakes up."
The pain, the hurt, the sadness, the awful bitterness of self-loathing that ripped through him… It left him breathless and he leaned a little heavily into Hen's side as she circled his waist to keep him upright. His knees must have shaken alarmingly enough that then Bobby was there on his other side, a steadying hand and a stronger presence keeping the fragments of his emotions together. It never occurred to Buck that Beatrice could've been lying, offering empty words that Eddie had never said just to comfort him. Everything she'd said spoke to how well Eddie knew him, understanding that he'd feel anxious and guilty and ashamed that it was his fault that this had happened. Somehow, that just made his words this morning sound even worse.
"See, Buck? Daddy loves you too. It'll be okay."
He managed a watery smile towards Chris, running fingers through his hair and deciding that speaking right now was impossible
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Bobby asked like he hadn't said it a thousand times since Buck had helped Christopher inside Eddie's house. It felt really weird that Eddie wasn't here, hovering in a doorway or poking at something on the stove.
"Maddie's coming over after her shift," Buck said, because the first thing he'd done after getting Chris in the car so they could go to Buck's place and obtain some clothes had been to text his sister. There was a string of hearts across his screen when he opened it and he managed the faintest of smiles as he texted her to let her know he was staying at Eddie's with Chris.
Her reply had been almost instant: I'll be there once my day is done xxxx I love you Ev
"But until then-"
"Until then, I've got a kid who needs a late lunch and a Buck that needs a shower," he said, his attempt at a smile coming off probably as tired as he felt.
Bobby hardly looked convinced that he could handle such mundane tasks alone but he pressed his hand to Buck's shoulder anyway. "Son…"
Buck met his eyes, his breath catching at the gentleness in Bobby's gaze, the way Bobby just gave and gave with his love and empathy and compassion.
"Whatever time you need for Eddie and his recovery, or to help him with Christopher, it's yours, Buck. And whatever help any of us at the 118 can offer-"
"I know, Cap, I know," he said with a nod, struggling to maintain eye contact under the weight of Bobby's sincerity.
"Eddie's family," Bobby insisted, squeezing his fingers against Buck's shoulder. "He's your family. We take care of our families at the 118 so we'll take care of all of you, okay?"
His eyes brimmed with tears. "Thanks, Cap," he whispered, managing a wobbly smile.
"And at some point, you'll need to tell me when all this with Eddie started so that I can work out who won the betting pool."
"The- Wait- The- What?"
Bobby laughed, retreating down the stairs and jogging to his car. "Let me know. I could earn big money." Bobby gave a terrible salute before he got in his car and Buck just continued spluttering long after Bobby had driven away.
"Bucky? I'm hungry."
He sniffed and swallowed and swiped away the tears. "I'm on it, kiddo," he said, deciding that this ridiculous talk of a betting pool could wait until sometime later. Hungry kid. Shower. Priorities.
~TBC~