Word Count: 4,316
Warnings/Spoilers: None in particular for this chapter.

As much as he wanted the day to pass in a blur, it seemed like every second took an hour and every hour took a week. By the time Maddie was wrapping her arms around him, he felt like he'd aged ten years. Maybe more.

"I'm so sorry," she said as he held her against him, nose pressing against her hair and inhaling her familiar scent as he focused on breathing in, and breathing out, and keeping himself under control. Holding Christopher all day while they'd watched endless cartoons had at least kept the kid occupied and the kid's presence meant he'd avoided any further breakdowns. "Have you heard anything?"

"Abuela texted earlier but there hasn't been a change," he said, releasing her so that she could ease off her shoes and shrink several more inches.

"He'll be okay," she said and Buck really wished people would stop making that promise when no one knew for certain. She trailed behind him as he returned to the living room, where Christopher was playing with Legos while a cartoon played in the background.

"Maddie!" he squealed, wobbling to his feet while she bent to hug him. "Hi, Maddie," he said quieter, petting at her hair with his hands.

"Hey, sweetheart. What were you building?"

He took the opportunity while Christopher was distracted to grab his bag and disappear into the bathroom. Although he suspected he smelled awful and looked even worse, everyone had been kind enough to avoid commenting on it during the day. After the day's emotional turmoil, Buck just hadn't had the heart to do anything about it and once he'd sorted out lunch for the kid, he hadn't wanted to leave Christopher alone for too long.

Now though, Maddie could keep Christopher occupied while Buck showered.

He peeled off his clothes and stepped into the shower, ignoring the freezing spray and then ignoring when the water turned so hot it was like stinging needles against his skin. The pain was helpful, giving him something else to focus on rather than balling his hands into his mouth to stop the sobs. His skin felt sticky and sweaty after passing out drunk last night – was that really only last night? – and his muscles still felt sore and tired after the panic attack that morning after Eddie had left – was that really only this morning? – and his only source of comfort, and adding to his misery, was the lingering scents of Eddie's soap billowing among the steam of the shower.

If he'd been at home, maybe he would have lingered beneath the spray just to hide the tears but he still hated showers, still hated the running water, and he knew Maddie was waiting and Christopher was doing a great job of holding it together even though he had to be so, so scared. So Buck kept the shower brief but he still felt more like an actual human when he dressed in clean clothes than he had for most of the day.

Maddie and Christopher were right where he'd left them, Chris explaining what he was trying to make and pointing out pieces scattered across the floor that Maddie passed to him. And it was…sweet, and normal, and mundane, and he realised that despite their terrible excuses for actual parents, Maddie would make a great mom. She was patient, and kind, and attentive, and it made his heart ache that she had been through so much with Doug and not yet gotten what she wanted in regards to a husband that loved her and a family she could adore. His opinion of Chimney was that the guy was great, even though he still hated the complication of them being colleagues, but Maddie's happiness around Chim seemed genuine and he hoped they could find the sort of relationship that she truly deserved and desired.

"What?" she said with a shy smile when she caught him watching her.

He wrinkled his nose and gave a slight shake of his head as he sat on the couch, running a hand over his bad leg which had been twinging after he'd uncurled himself from his kitchen floor. Maddie caught the gesture, of course she did, but she didn't say anything.

"I'm just glad you're okay and I'm glad that you're here," he said honestly, the many layers behind his statement evident to her ears. She pressed her lips together sadly, looking as if she was going to say something else before Christopher asked her for another piece of Lego and the moment was lost.

Buck hadn't been surprised when Christopher had crawled into his lap after dinner and pleaded for another movie, nor was he particularly surprised when Christopher fell asleep in his lap, small hands wrapped around Buck's bicep as his cheek rested on Buck's chest.

"You're really good with him," Maddie commented as he gently adjusted Christopher's weight so he could rub a hand along Christopher's spine.

"He's an easy kid to take care of," he said with a shrug but Maddie shook her head.

"No, I mean… He clearly feels comfortable with you taking care of him. Not every kid would fall asleep against someone else when their father was in the hospital," she explained and Buck's eyes drifted from hers to Christopher's serene face, the same little separation in his lips when he slept that Eddie had. He almost wished he didn't know that detail. "You love him."

"He's an adorable kid."

"I wasn't talking about Christopher, Ev."

His eyes zapped back to hers but she was just watching him with one of those small, fond smiles as she scooted from the armchair to sit beside him on the couch.

"Does he know?"

He hesitated before shaking his head, tracing his index finger in spiralling shapes down Christopher's back. "We've been… It's not like it came out of nowhere. It's been going on a while. He just- He didn't know what he wanted or what he thought he wanted so we were keeping it quiet."

She nodded, reaching out her hand and rubbing at his sore leg with the touch of a former nurse that knew how to find the coils and kinks in his muscles. "So he was the one you were desperate to see after so rudely kicking me out that day after I collected you from the station?"

He stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed quietly, squeezing his knee.

"So it has been a while," she agreed, tilting her head to stare at him. "I thought there was something going on before that."

"Oh?"

She shrugged, a faint smile on her lips. "I seem to remember accusing you of having a boy-crush?" she teased, thumb smoothing out another spot of pain in his thigh. "You didn't say no."

He opened his mouth, then shut it again. God, that was a long time ago.

"And then you thought he was cute when I was talking about Chimney," she added, like she'd been storing all these memories for a time when he'd come to his senses. Or maybe when he wouldn't, so that she could shove them together. "And then there was how he wouldn't leave the hospital after your leg got crushed, spending the night with me in the waiting room. Or how you had the clot and he spent the entire wait saying, 'Not again. I can't lose him again.'"

Buck stared at her like she'd grown an extra head. Or maybe ten. Either way, he stared. And her grin just widened.

"I'm your sister, Evan. I notice when you get all gooey-eyed around someone and I'm not blind to someone mooning over you," she joked, patting his knee and then pulling her hand back so she could prop her elbow on the back of the couch, leaning her head into her hand to gaze at him. "So what changed? How did you go from being oblivious idiots to…" Her question trailed away but her eyes swept over the way Chris was folded into his chest.

He shrugged, because sometimes he wasn't sure exactly sure what had changed for Eddie either. "I don't know. We were hanging out a lot and at some point, he said something or I said something and that- that made him kiss me and it was- I thought it might freak him out but it…didn't."

"But?"

Of course she'd catch the way his voice faded a bit at the end. "But… It's been a rough couple of months."

Maddie continued to gaze at him without judgement or expectation. "What happened?"

He shifted the hand resting against the back of Christopher's neck to comb through some of his curls. "I got… I don't know, cold feet? He wanted Chris to know and then he knew but I still felt like we weren't telling anyone else? When we were here, or at my place, things were... They were really great." He bit his lip, looking down at Christopher and thinking about all the movies they'd cuddled up to watch, or the meals he'd cooked with Eddie while Chris chatted away, or the times they'd gone to a park. And then all the other times when Chris hadn't been there, when he'd felt so warm and safe and loved in Eddie's embrace. "But… But at the station, he was like an entirely different person and I- I felt like I didn't matter to him."

"Okay…" She pressed her lips together, eyes flicking over his face as she processed the information. "That sounds like a reasonable thing to be upset over. Did you want the 118 to know about you two?"

"Not necessarily?" He wrinkled his nose and shook his head slightly. "I just got really tired of…of sneaking around, I suppose. Pretending I didn't know him like I did, pretending I wasn't so happy, pretending I hadn't seen him the night before or spent all of my time off-shift with him and this little guy." He sighed, tracing a finger over Chris' forehead and along his temple. "So I- I called him out on it."

Maddie blinked. "You did?"

"This- This morning. Before- Before everything…happened," he said vaguely but she understood anyway, giving him an encouraging nod. "I told him I didn't want to…to feel like I was hiding all these pieces of who I was anymore and then he called me his best friend and I- I just- I lost it, Mads," he said, burying his nose in Christopher's hair and sucking in a few painful breaths to try to quell the urge to start crying again. "Because I- I want to be more than his friend, Maddie. Christ. But that- Maybe that's all he sees me as? Or ever will see me as? Because he- he's not bi or able to accept that part of him that's…interested in being with me? And I- I didn't know how to…to keep putting myself through that because I want to be enough for him and-"

"And then he got shot," Maddie murmured, interrupting his halting explanation with her gentle understanding as she reached out to him again and captured his hand. She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles, eking some of the hysteria from his thoughts and the tension that had curled them for much of the day. "You've had an awful day, baby bro."

"Not as awful as him, or this little one," he said, brushing a kiss to the top of Christopher's head.

"True, but you know not to compare your crappy day with theirs. You've still been through hell."

It sounded like something she'd probably learned in therapy because the Maddie he knew, the Maddie that had shared his childhood, would always minimise her own pain to continue supporting others too. That was just what they did. It was what they'd learned to do. It had become such an ingrained habit he wasn't sure how he could even attempt to unlearn it.

His heart ached and she cuddled closer, leaning her head on his shoulder after pressing a soft kiss to the joint. "Are you staying here tonight?" he asked as he rested his cheek on the top of her hair.

"If you want me to," she said and he nodded quickly, knowing that even with Christopher around, he didn't trust himself to be left alone once Chris went to sleep. He'd raid Eddie's entire kitchen in search of something strong enough to make the pain go away, and that wouldn't do him any good if Christopher woke up from a nightmare. She squeezed his hand, tucking it against her. "You could've told me, you know. That it was Eddie you were seeing. I wouldn't have told Howie."

He shook his head as he gazed at Christopher's face. "It wasn't about me, Mads. Or about Chim knowing. It- It was about him. When it started, he said he didn't care if the others knew but he never actively told them either. He- This morning he said he became comfortable that they didn't all know his business and so I- If I'd told you, it would have been betraying the part of him that was very obviously uncomfortable with them knowing."

Maddie peered up at him and her eyes shimmered with understanding even though her lips were downturned and conveyed her displeasure at it. He had to remember that she was his sister. She was invested in how he was coping although her reasons might've been different to the rest of the 118's. Her circling thumb inched higher, rubbing at the joints of his wrist. "So what now?"

"Hell if I know," he said with a small shrug and a deep sigh. "The girl he saved- She told me he wanted to talk but…but maybe he'll change his mind if he wakes up? It's like- It's like a thing to say when you think you're dying, right? Whoever you leave behind might feel guilty, so you try to comfort them with your last breaths?"

He felt the reflex of Maddie's fingers curl and he frowned, pulling his head away to look from their hands to her face, the way her lower lip wobbled and tears gathered in the corner of his eyes.

"Maddie?" Buck flipped his hand over, grasping her fingers between his and holding tight. "Mads? What's wrong?"

She sniffed, tilting her head back and shaking it while she swallowed which had always been her tell for trying to shove down all her feelings. He squeezed her hand when a tear spilled down her cheek, his frown deepening until she looked at him with so much sadness and despair.

"I took the 911 call," she admitted and Buck… Buck could only stare. And blink a lot. There were so many parts to what had happened during the day that he hadn't thought about, hadn't even wanted to think about. So much of his morning had been anger and then fear and panic, and then he'd had to stay focused on Christopher's needs and wants which meant bottling up everything that kept threatening to overwhelm him. He blinked again. "I could hear his voice in the background. I- I didn't realise he was talking about you, though."

He willed himself not to cry again even though he could feel his throat clenching and his eyes burning. "Did- Did you know it was him?"

She nodded, raising her spare hand to wipe at the tears that decorated her cheeks. "He'd identified himself as LAFD when he'd approached her and after he was…shot, she'd gotten out of him that he was from the 118 and had a kid." Her attempt at a smile wobbled as she looked away, staring at a spot on the wall. "She told me all of this while I was processing the dispatch notification and I- I know I don't know everyone in your house but as soon as I heard it was someone from the 118, I put the call through to Athena to attend because I- I knew Athena would never forgive me if I didn't get her boots there first. I talked the girl through how to apply pressure to his wounds and I could hear his mumblings and I- I just knew- Even before I heard Athena arrive and confirm who it w-was I knew… G-God, Evan…"

He shifted Christopher in his lap, who mumbled sleepily but didn't wake up, so that he could wrap his arm around Maddie's shoulders and fold her into his side. He pressed a kiss to her hair, not even trying to disguise that tears had started to streak down his cheeks during her explanation.

"What was that about 'you could've told me this'?" he muttered as he gripped her trembling shoulders. A wet laugh bubbled past her lips as she sniffled and rubbed a hand against the small patch of his chest that didn't have Christopher leaning against it.

"Sometimes it- it's even harder for us with the calls? We listen to people in their worst moments of fear and crisis and we do our best to determine triage over the phone but we can't see, we can't help." She touched fingertips to Christopher's cheek, hiccupping around another breath. "We have to find ways to turn off our feelings and respond calmly and professionally even when it's our friends."

Buck nodded, remembering how many times Bobby had pulled him back from the ER doors when he'd wanted to race after a victim to keep providing care and support. He could remember how lost and powerless he'd felt in the waiting room when they'd brought in Shannon and Eddie had gone with her while Buck was left with the vic in the car. He knew the doctors and nurses had more specialised training, that his whole job was to get a patient to the hospital, but sometimes it haunted him that he could've done more or done better for Shannon and maybe she would have survived. Or maybe he shouldn't have reacted the way he did when he saw who the driver had hit and tipped Eddie off. There were so many possibilities about calls, so many tiny dominoes that could go wrong at a scene, and he always wanted to follow the cases longer than he was meant to. It was why he'd dropped out of SEAL training. He couldn't shut off how he felt.

"We leave them at the ambulance bay," Buck murmured, rubbing at her arm and trying to offer the smallest amount of comfort. "You have to leave them when we get there to take someone else's call."

She tilted her head to press a kiss into his shoulder, releasing a shaking breath. "I didn't know how to tell you. I tried calling you after I got in touch with Athena. She said she'd call Bobby but I- I couldn't get hold of you. For a while, I thought- I thought maybe it was you who had been shot and the girl had misunderstood what had been said." She gestured towards Chris. "Sometimes he seems like he's as much your son as Eddie's, you know? But I- I had to keep telling myself that I knew it wasn't your voice."

He dropped a kiss to the top of her head, squeezing her arm as she held onto him. It hurt to hear that there might have been a frantic few minutes where she'd been terrified for his life, again. With all his luck last year, it probably wouldn't have even surprised anyone that he'd gotten injured again. It hurt more, though, knowing that Maddie had known Eddie was shot, and he was bleeding out, and Buck hadn't known what was going on. He'd probably been in pieces on his kitchen floor.

"Why didn't you answer?" she said quietly, her fingers tiptoeing across Christopher's shoulder and down his back.

"I-" He closed his eyes to block the tears, shivering slightly at the pain that lanced through his chest. "I told Eddie to leave and I was so- I was upset, and angry, and I said… I said stuff that would've hurt and he said stuff that…" He shook his head, recalling Eddie's parting words about being stabbed in the back. Even now, it made him feel sick. That cold look in Eddie's eyes, the taut line of his lips, the way he practically snarled the words as he left… That image and those words could be the last he ever got from Eddie. "After he left, I… I couldn't breathe for a while. I remember hearing my phone ring but it was just too far away to care about."

"Another anxiety attack?"

He gave a small nod, settling the curve of his nose against her hair as he inhaled and exhaled, reminding himself to keep his breathing calm and focused because Christopher might be able to sleep through a tornado but Buck wasn't sure that the kid could sleep through Buck falling apart.

"Hey." She pulled away slightly, peering up at him with wide, glittery eyes and cradled his cheek. "Don't go to that dark place, Ev, alright?"

He managed to meet her eyes, for a few brief moments, before his attention drifted back to Christopher. Maybe if he and Eddie had talked rather than fought, Eddie wouldn't have left so hurt and angry. Then maybe Eddie wouldn't have felt like he needed to intervene with someone being hurt and then he wouldn't have gotten shot. Or maybe Eddie would have stayed at his apartment longer so he'd never have been on the street in the first place. Maybe someone else would've gotten hurt but at least it wouldn't be Eddie, and so if it wasn't Eddie then Chris wouldn't be so sad as well.

"I really, really wish you'd talk to someone about everything," Maddie continued, curling her fingers at his jaw to keep his head raised. "I don't know if it's the tsunami, or the truck, or Eddie, or something else entirely anymore, but you're suffering, Evan. I know you're suffering with it all and you shouldn't be."

"What if I deserve it?" he whispered before he fully thought through that this was his sister. The way her brows drew together almost instantly made it clear she wasn't going to tolerate that line of thinking any better than Eddie, and he never put up with it. Buck immediately felt like he needed to back-pedal as he groped for some way to cover up his slip.

"Deserve it?" she hissed, her fingers clenching against his skin so that he couldn't flee. "Evan, what the hell-"

Christopher whimpered in his sleep, legs twitching in Buck's lap. Maddie faltered which allowed Buck the chance to divert his attention, running his fingers through Christopher's hair until the pinched tension in his face started to ease.

"I should get him to bed," he said, wondering if Maddie would forget what he said by the time he was done getting the kid into bed. Judging by the look on her face, there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening.

Christopher stirred as he was dislodged from Buck's lap, eyes half-opening when Buck shuffled towards the hallway. "Bucky?"

"Yeah, angel. I've still got you," he said, reminding Chris of his promise earlier in the day. "How about we get you into your PJs and tucked into bed, okay?"

"Should I brush my teeth?"

He paused. "Are you awake enough for that?"

Chris gave a jerky sort of nod and so Buck detoured to the bathroom, fetching Christopher's pyjamas from his clothing hamper and lightly massaging the kid's shoulders as he brushed his teeth. Around his toothbrush, Chris' eyes were heavily lidded but also filled with a faint smile.

"Buck?" Chris asked as Buck knelt so Christopher could rest his hands on Buck's shoulders while he stepped into his pyjama pants.

"Yeah, kid?"

"When will Dad come home?"

He paused, swallowing away his emotions to cup Chris' jaw and rub his thumb over the apple of his cheeks. "I honestly don't know, sweetheart," he said, gazing into the sad hazel eyes, "but I know he'll be here and cuddle you all the time as soon as he's feeling better. He loves you more than anything."

"He loves you a lot too, Bucky."

"Yeah?" His eyes prickled as he swept Chris into his arms and carried him across the corridor into his room. "What makes you think that?"

"He's different when he's with you," Chris explained as Buck lowered him to the mattress, tugging blankets around his body. "He's not so sad."

Buck managed a weak sort of smile and wished he knew what to say, especially after his absolute mess of everything this morning. But he didn't. And he didn't know how to say anything to Christopher about it either. Maybe he never would. Maybe this would be his last chance to spend time with Christopher before he was forced into transferring from the 118 to escape the hate and judgement of the crew.

"Maddie's going to stay with us tonight, okay? If you wake up and need us, we'll be in your Dad's room."

Christopher nodded, tiny teeth nipping into his bottom lip. "Will you stay with me til I fall asleep, Buck?"

"Of course I will, kiddo," he murmured, scooting next to Chris so the kid could press his cheek against Buck's stomach and gentle fingers could comb through his curls. Buck wasn't sure how long it took before Chris fell asleep again but when he was satisfied there was enough weight in his tiny limbs, he carefully adjusted his head to lay on the pillow, flicked on the nightlight, and crept from the room with the door left ajar.

"So, what is it you think you deserve, Evan Buckley?" Maddie said, eyes flashing as he returned to the living room and he sighed. Well shit.

~TBC~