Word Count: 2,888
Warnings/Spoilers: None in particular for this chapter.
Even with Maddie's presence beside him, Buck still slept restlessly. Part of that he could blame on Christopher – the kid woke up at least three times crying out for Eddie and damn near broke Buck's heart every time he clung to Buck's chest with tiny sniffles and sobs – but the other part of that was his own nightmares which Maddie kept waking him from, hushing him with gentle hands in his hair and soothing away the terror that hadn't been so awful in months.
By the time the sun started to rise, Buck was glad for the light because at least it meant he didn't have to keep up the pretence of trying to sleep any longer. He left Maddie asleep, creeping into the bathroom to shower and then started a simple breakfast with whatever he could find in Eddie's fridge. It wasn't much – there were some eggs and bacon and he knew he couldn't burn scrambled eggs – so when Christopher finally stirred, he was ready and waiting to put on some food.
"Hey, bud," he murmured, stroking Chris' hair as the boy folded into his arms, more subdued than Buck had ever seen him. He'd bounced back after the tsunami, all things considered. He knew Chris had nightmares but he wasn't haunted as badly as Buck. He didn't have the same fear of the aquarium and he didn't recoil when the water splashed too harshly in the sink or the shower. But this latest incident? This seemed to have extinguished Christopher's bright smiles and giggles and Buck wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself for it.
"Can we see Daddy today?"
"Of course, kiddo." Buck dropped a kiss to his errant curls and ran a hand down his back. "As soon as you've had breakfast and we've got you showered and changed, we'll spend as long as you want with your Dad, okay? And I imagine your Abuela will be there too, and Pepa."
"Yeah?" Chris seemed to perk up a little at the mention of seeing his family which Buck took as a good sign.
"Of course. They'll want to see Eddie and you, buddy."
"Okay." Christopher lapsed into silence for a while, fingers bunching and unbunching against Buck's shirt. Eventually, he tilted his head to stare into Buck's eyes. "Buck?"
He arched his eyebrows, humming in acknowledgement because he knew there was a question coming that he didn't want to answer.
"What happens if Daddy doesn't wake up?"
And right on cue, there it was.
Buck felt his breath catch, his heart giving a few extra painful, extra hard thumps in his chest. He squished Christopher in his arms, decorating his face with kisses that made Chris squeal and protest.
"He's got you to wake up for, remember?"
Chris didn't ask more questions, nor did he cheer up. In fact, he didn't make any sort of noise of acknowledgement or belief or acceptance of Buck's words. That made it even worse.
"You want me to carry you to the kitchen table for breakfast?"
Christopher nodded, looping his arms around Buck's neck.
He was plating up the scrambled eggs and bacon when Maddie emerged, rubbing a hand across her face. "You're up early," she observed, eyeing the food like she was surprised he could cook something.
"Couldn't sleep," he joked but she just looked at him sadly, squeezing at his hand as she drifted past to wrap her arms around Christopher's shoulders from behind.
"How's our favourite kid?"
"Buck said we can visit Daddy today," Chris said, fidgeting with his napkin and biting at his bottom lip as he peered up at her. "D'you think he'll be awake?"
"I don't know, sweetheart." She kissed his hair several times and Chris managed a small, tired sort of smile.
Chris was so quiet while they ate it was unnerving and Buck wasn't sure what to say to Maddie to fill the silence. It seemed she had the same difficulty. It meant a lot of awkward glances and chewing noises and by the time they were done eating, he was grateful to move on and find something else to do.
"I'll clean up," Maddie said, gesturing at the plates. "You get Chris ready."
"You sure?"
She nodded and he helped Chris to his feet, providing some support on the return to his room when he didn't have his crutches or braces.
"I can shower and dress myself, Buck," Chris insisted as Buck retrieved a change of clothes and fussed around him. "I'm not a child."
Buck huffed a laugh and ran his fingers through Chris' hair. "You'll be twenty-five and you'll still be your Dad's little kid, champ."
Christopher scrunched his nose as he grabbed at his crutches, the tapping noises following Buck into the bathroom. "Twenty-five is old, Buck."
"What?" he exclaimed with exaggerated surprise as he put the clothes on the bench and poked and prodded at his face in the mirror. "Oh my God, I'm old?!"
"Yeah, Buck. You're gonna get wrinkles soon."
He laughed despite the clouds of misery that continued to float around him and for the first time all morning, Chris managed one of his more genuine smiles.
"Shoo, kid. Go get your own shower wrinkles!"
There was a small giggle as Chris whacked at Buck's ankle to get him out of the bathroom and Buck couldn't help fretting as Chris closed the door. He wondered if Chris really was okay by himself. He knew Eddie tended to still provide some help with showering in the mornings, and they both knew Chris was yet to master the fine motor skills required for buttons.
"Hey." Maddie touched his shoulder, tugging him away from wringing his hands by the bathroom door as he listened for sounds of crashing or cries of distress. "He might have CP but he's nine, right? If he says he can shower himself, let him do this."
Buck remained on alert for any sound of a crutch slipping, or a bottle clattering to the floor, or a screech of his name. By the time Christopher emerged, his hair in wet ringlets and his cheeks pinked with the heat of the shower, Buck was about ready to lose his mind.
"Told you," Chris said, a satisfied grin on his face as he tapped his way towards Buck. "Does that mean we can see Daddy now?"
Buck glanced at Maddie, still feeling uneasy at seeing Eddie again.
"Call me," she murmured, folding him into a hug that he clung to. "Send out the Bat Signal and we'll all come, okay?"
He nodded, fully aware that he wouldn't reach out when he finally had the chance to go to pieces. "I love you," he whispered against her ear and she squeezed him, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
"Love you too, Ev."
She gave Christopher an extra-long cuddle before spinning away to have a shower and change into her work clothes, and Buck attempted to distract Christopher by packing a small bag with some snacks and his coloured markers and paper.
"You could make your Dad a card," he suggested when Christopher asked why it was necessary.
"You did see him yesterday, right?" Christopher said, enough sass in his tone that for a moment Buck forgot how old the kid was.
Still, he shoved a colouring book and the paper and markers into the bag, and a small container of Legos, because he didn't know how long they planned on being at the hospital and he didn't know who else would be there and he didn't even really know visiting hours but at least he could be prepared for any and every eventuality and-
"Buck?"
"Hm?" He wiggled a water bottle into the top of the bag, the zipper straining against all the things he'd tried to squeeze in.
"Thank you for taking care of me."
He froze, his breath getting stuck somewhere in his throat as he looked over at Chris sitting at the table, his hands bunching and unbunching against the timber. "Of course, buddy," he said, frowning at his attempt to get the zip finally shut. He placed the bag on the floor and moved around the table, crouching in front of Chris until he could meet the kid's eyes. "You know I'd do anything for you, right?"
Christopher's hand bumped against his cheek, fingers curled against his jaw like at the pier all those many months ago. "I know. You're gonna be okay, kid."
He tilted his head to kiss the small palm and there was a shy smile on Chris' face that gave Buck at least a glimmer of hope that maybe the kid wasn't completely broken yet.
"Now, we need to get you shoes and socks. You've got your crutches. Do you need anything else?"
"You couldn't fit it in my bag if I did," Chris pointed out and he snorted, ruffling the kid's hair as Christopher grinned.
By the time Buck had Chris' shoes and socks on, Maddie had returned from her shower and was tying her hair into a loose ponytail.
"You sure you're okay to work today?" he said as he heaved Chris' bag onto his shoulder and, okay, maybe he'd overdone it a bit. He wasn't exactly sure how many things he'd put inside but the weight made it clear there was a lot.
"It's my job," Maddie said with a sad smile, like somehow that excused all the grief and trauma she had to listen to every time she went to the dispatch centre. Buck wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her hair, and between them they helped Chris out of the house and into Buck's truck.
"I need to find out what happened to Eddie's truck," he said thoughtfully after he'd gotten Christopher strapped into the backseat.
"I…think the guys who shot him stole it," Maddie said, biting her bottom lip and giving Chris a wave through the window. Buck just stared at her. "Athena was more focused on getting Eddie to the hospital but I'm sure she's following up on it today."
"You… Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"
She shrugged, eyes flitting around rather than making eye contact. His gaze narrowed because yes, there was definitely something else she was holding back. He almost called her out on it but he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it at the start of the day, with Christopher behind him. "I'll try to call Athena today and see if she has any updates, okay?"
He nodded, giving her one final hug before they separated in their different directions.
There wasn't any change in Eddie's condition but Isabel was there, dressed in a fresh change of clothes, as well as Pepa. Both stood to embrace him when they spotted him walking with Christopher, then showering Chris with cuddles and kisses.
"Helena and Ramon are flying in this afternoon with Adriana and Sophia," Isabel said, glancing at her watch. "Pepa will pick them up while I stay with Edmundo. How is the little one?"
"He's scared," he admitted, biting his bottom lip as he processed the influx of Diaz family members that would soon descend on the hospital and make him unnecessary. "We all are."
Isabel squeezed his shoulder. "I do not want you to feel you are unwelcome here, Evan, I have spoken with Helena and she wants to keep Christopher with us. I know you will still have work. We cannot expect you to take care of our little boy, our niño pequeño, while Edmundo is here."
He felt his heart twist in his chest, looking towards Chris as he talked with Pepa. It was starting. He was being pushed out of Eddie's life by his family. Did they know about the fight? "It's really no trouble-"
"You have your own life." She squeezed his shoulder again, gazing into his eyes and making him focus on her. "You are welcome to see Edmundo, any time. You are welcome to see Christopher, any time. But please, do not feel obligated-"
"He's not an obligation," he insisted and the smile she gave him was laden with care and understanding that did nothing for his anxieties about Eddie's wellbeing.
"You care for him," she said, her hand reaching to cup his cheek. "Both of them, and I would never stop you from being around Edmundo or Christopher but you must take care of yourself too, Evan. My Eddie would never forgive me if I did not look out for you. It will not be easy for any of us and it is not healthy for you to keep hiding your feelings from Christopher when you need time to process and heal with your own family and friends and your station crew. I am not trying to punish you, Evan. Do you understand?"
He couldn't deny that it hurt, because there was a very insistent voice trying to make him believe that she was kicking him out, that she knew about the fight with Eddie yesterday and she'd changed her mind and wanted to keep them apart. Logically, though, he knew she was right. With Christopher to take care of and Maddie staying over, he'd fought to hold it together even though it was with staples and paperclips and sticky-tape. He had people he could call on but Eddie was…different. Eddie was his best friend, and someone who had Buck's heart. He wasn't sure how he was ever meant to be okay again.
"You- You're sure I can see him any time?"
She patted his cheek lightly. "I would not stand in the way of a man's love, querido."
He was pretty sure his cheeks flushed.
"Would you like to see him?"
And he would, if only to reassure himself that Eddie's heart was still beating, and his lungs were still inflating, and there was still life in his brain, but…now that Buck was here, now that he was being encouraged to leave Christopher with his relatives for the foreseeable future, he felt like a rapidly deflating balloon. Maddie thought he'd be here all day so disappearing into his apartment and getting drunk was starting to sound incredibly appealing.
He shook his head, glancing at Christopher. "You have my number, right? If Chris needs me?"
"Of course. Pepa can text you my address so that you can visit Christopher when we are not here."
The decision made that he would leave, he hugged Isabel and then Pepa reached for him to thank him for taking care of Chris. And then Buck had to awkwardly attempt to explain to Chris that his grandmother and grandfather and aunties were flying in from El Paso and were going to help take care of him.
"But… I thought you were gonna take care of me, Bucky," Christopher said, his bottom lip wobbling as Buck crouched in front of him, hands folding around where Chris' gripped his crutches.
"Your Abuela and Pepa have my number. If you need me, you call and I'll be right over, alright?" He squeezed Christopher's hands. "I love you more than anything, bud. This is just… I still have work, you know? I can't be around as much as I'd like." It didn't seem important to mention that Bobby had essentially given him time off yesterday. That just meant people would expect him to be available or around and Buck wasn't sure that he could do that.
"That's not true," Christopher said, a small frown dipping his eyebrows together.
Buck blinked, wondering if Chris had seen straight through the lie even though Buck had always sworn he'd never conceal the truth. "What isn't?"
"That you love me more than anything. You love Dad more."
His eyes grew very wide and he was pretty sure Isabel hid her smile behind the hand she raised to conceal her cough, and if he'd looked he probably would have seen Pepa's amused grin too.
"I still love you a lot, bud." He tugged Christopher into a hug, feeling the crutches bump against his back. "And I'll be there for you in a heartbeat if you need me, okay? Day or night."
Christopher nodded against him and he kissed Christopher's cheek, temple, forehead, hair, over and over, until Chris was giggling and pushing him away.
"You'll be okay, little angel?"
"I'll be okay, kid," Christopher intoned with a determined nod. He never ceased to amaze Buck.
"I'll hear from you soon?" he said, glancing at Isabel, who hugged him and kissed his cheek.
"You take care of yourself too," she said, somewhat stern, and he ducked his head and gave an awkward farewell wave to Pepa, escaping the oppressive hospital corridors and wondering if someone would call him Goldilocks for returning to Eddie's house and crawling into his bed, inhaling the traces of his scent on the sheets and finding comfort in a house that wasn't his.
Someone probably would.
Or, worse, someone would call 911 and report him for breaking and entering and Athena would find his drunk, moping ass.
So he returned to his apartment, which felt as cold and lonely and empty as ever, and collapsed face-first into his bed where he finally allowed himself to cry. The bottle of vodka that he'd bought on the drive home lay untouched on the bedside table.
~TBC~