Chapter 4

Perhaps he was just overthinking this.

Having got up the next day, Akise decided to file away all of last night's emotional toil and focus on his new predicament.

He found his laptop, turned it on, then opened a browser.

Definitely overthinking this. But he simply had to check.

Into the search engine, he typed schizophrenia. To his knowledge he had never experienced any of the symptoms typically associated with schizophrenia - no voices, no hallucinations - unless…

Leaning back into his chair, Akise placed a thoughtful hand upon his chin. Come to think of it, he had been feeling incredibly disoriented lately. For example, his mixed memories. Perhaps all were his, but he was failing to recognise it?

But they seem so different. One set was of a twenty-six-year-old history teacher's life, or aspects thereof, and another consisted of blurry images of a bar named Quindecim: soft neon lights, the outlines of peoples' faces, panicking, screaming...and games. Lots of different games.

It was doubtful that Akise was a schizophrenic.

Akise knew his proper name was Decim, bartender and judge of others. What he didn't know was why he needed this second name, why he had this...second identity. Nobody else called him Decim. Perhaps it was the other way around, and Decim was the fake identity?

Again returning to Internet research, he looked up multiple personality disorder. However, after browsing various medical and psychology sites he found that this disorder was usually dismissed as 'pop-psychology' because there was little to no scientific evidence to prove that people's personalities really did faction into sub-personalities.

No, this was not something caused by a mental dysfunction.

But if it was not mental, and most likely neither physical, that meant Akise found himself in the strangest of situations. Then, he heard a phone begin to ring somewhere in his apartment. Heading out of his bedroom into the living room, Akise sought and found a mobile phone, stashed behind a sofa cushion. He did not even remember that he owned one. Apparently he had 5 new voicemails.

The caller said Mother.

Beep. "Hello."

A cheery, lighthearted voice answered immediately. "Akise, my darling! How are you? You know, I've been trying to phone you for an hour now!"

Strange. He had not heard the phone ring before this. Akise assumed he must have been too enveloped in his research. "I am sorry, Mother, I was distracted."

"Ooh, this wouldn't be because of a girl, now, would it?"

"U-um, I-"

"Aha! I knew it," His mother continued, rambling on. "I don't suppose it's that Kozuma girl you told me about?"

This was news to Akise. However, he deducted that seeing as Akise had told a close relative about Chiaki, that must mean he had intended to start a relationship with her. Or were they already in one? He couldn't remember. Then again, he couldn't even remember his own mother's name at the moment. Akise sighed. "It...is possible that she and I have grown quite close," thoughts of their first night together resurfaced unpleasantly, "lately."

A somewhat childish giggle from the other line. "Ah, my boy is finally settling down! I shall have to meet her soon!"

"N-no, Mother, I…" He struggled to find the necessary words, "...I do not intend to have a romantic relationship with her."

Silence. Then, "...That's a shame, dear. But, you told me the last time we spoke that you couldn't stop thinking about her, that you wanted to be her partner. How has that changed so suddenly?"

Ah. So Akise really did love Chiaki.

Clearing his throat, Akise seated himself on the couch, long legs apart. He imagined it would be easier to just speak the truth. "I seem to have, changed, a lot, recently. I am re-evaluating almost all of my current life choices. That includes my perception of how compatible myself and Chiaki are."

His mother sounded confused. "Akise...You don't need to do this, son. You don't need to rethink anything, look how successful you are! A good job, your own apartment, and maybe even a girlfriend, too! I'm so proud of all you've achieved. And I know, your father would be too, if he were here." Another compilation of memories swirled into being: a rainy Sunday, a small crowd of people dressed in black, all tear-stained faces and kind words. Himself, only a boy of six, clung desperately to his mother's coat as they observed the long, wooden coffin being submerged in dirt. Yet another kind of sorrow to have experienced.

Still, Akise's chiseled face flushed red at her uplifting words. But he still felt uncomfortable, like those words weren't really for him. Who else could they be for? He questioned incredulously. There is no one else to hear them. "Thank you. I am truly pleased by your support, Mother, yet I still feel...different."

"Midlife crisis?" Joked his mother weakly. He attempted another laugh, but frankly it sounded even worse than his first attempt so he stopped. "I am only twenty-six."

They stayed in mutual silence for a short while.

"Listen, dear, I know it can be difficult, living on your own. It can make you have doubts. But trust me when I say you were born to teach - even in high school, you said you wanted to be a teacher! And remember, there is a difference between incompatibility and individual differences."

Whilst Akise understood her words, there was little comfort to be gained by them. "I know, Mother. Are you well?" Only now his manners kicked in. How could he have so selfishly directed the conversation towards himself without first checking his mother's health status? Although, he reasoned, she sounded perfectly fine.

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you," Came her predictable reply. "I was actually thinking of coming to visit you soon - we hardly get to see each other now!"

Akise would have preferred to spend a little more time alone, figuring out why he had apparently changed so much, but concluded that this visit proposal was more a notification than an ask of permission. "Yes," He managed, "that sounds lovely."

His mother squeaked - actually squeaked - with delight. "Oh, I can't wait to see my wonderful boy! And, hopefully, his new girlfriend?"

Akise spluttered, agitated. "Well, I - No, I doubt that I -"

"What did I just say? You deserve to have a nice relationship, Akise!"

"But -"

"No buts! At least introduce me, from what you've told me, she's a wonderful girl. Now, I hope to see you both next Saturday, okay?"

Next -? Really? Had his mother always been this assertive? Akise felt cornered, and, bluntly put, quite exhausted. Rubbing his cheek with his free palm, Akise nodded once. "Very well, I look forward to seeing you."

Beep.

Allowing himself to slide further into the couch cushions, Akise hoped that maybe they would swallow him up so he did not have to deal with these unexpected problems.

Firstly, the matter of his identity and memory adjustments: he did not appear to be achieving much success on that front, so decided to leave it be for the time being.

Secondly, the problem of his mother coming to visit next weekend: admittedly an easy enough problem to solve, he simply had to clean up the apartment a little, buy more food, and if needs be set up the spare bedroom.

Finally...Chiaki. Gosh, what was he going to do. How could he fix this? He remembered his last words to her: Please leave. So commanding. So final.

Akise looked helplessly at the phone in his hand. Scrolling through contacts, he saw Kozuma, Chiaki as one of his most frequent callers.

Perhaps he should call her now. But… Glancing at the clock, which read 13:30, he guessed that this being a Tuesday, she would be at work in the school now.

A text, then? It was more reserved, and she could read it later.

Typing out a simple, yet non-apathetic, message, he sent it before dressing and heading out to buy groceries. It said: I'm very sorry. Will you please call me?

"Damn, it's been two days already!" Nona growled, slamming her fist down on Ginti's wooden bar.

"Hey, watch it!" Scolded the red-haired man as he caught the falling Shinto dolls and reset them neatly.

"I mean, we can't even contact him! We know where he is, we know who he is, but we can't help him at all!" She downed another cocktail.

"Thought you wanted him to be independent?" Asked Ginti, a condescending smirk on his face. "'Bout time that baby grew up -"

"Be quiet, I'm trying to think," His employer demanded as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "If we don't find a way to contact him soon, the result could be having to watch him suffer."

"We can't just call him up, or send him a letter," Nona continued, "he's no longer an Arbiter; he is a living man."

"Perhaps we may be able to speak with him," Clavis speculated. "I mean, yeah, he's not one of us anymore but is he really a human now? Surely if he retained some memory of his time here, that could validate an attempt at communication."

Ginti gave a derisive scoff. "What's the big deal? He's gone, he's now alive. So what? Maybe he won't figure it out, and we are worrying about nothing."

Nona ground her teeth in frustration, balling her fists by her sides. I will have to tell them.

"Look, Decim's safety...is not the primary reason I want to contact him," The light-haired girl began softly. She could see Ginti and Clavis wearing expectant expressions.

"If we can talk to Decim, if he remembers us, then maybe he can help me prove to Oculus that a change around here can be made. A change that would benefit our arbitration system."

"What exactly would Decim help to prove?" Ginti criticised. "That Arbiters with human emotions are likely to run off and try reincarnation, because they have emotional ties? That the addition of human emotions only complicates our jobs, that it induces pain? Oculus has a point, Nona. If we had human emotions...we'd all end up like Decim: deluded and impulsive. How can one make objective judgements if one is emotionally frayed?"

"Judgements are never objective," She retorted, "not in the human world, and not here either. As much as we'd like to believe otherwise. But we do what we can." Her violet eyes locked with the redhead's. "I understand that emotions bring suffering, but they also bring empathy, and purpose."

"And corruption."

"Like that doesn't already happen here? I have managed to bribe Quinn and Castra."

Clavis, who was looking rather forlorn, brushed a hand through his cropped hair. "Why can't we just let all souls into the same place: all reincarnation."

"Because there is a danger that anyone who has committed atrocities such as murder, or any other human crime, will not only be reborn, but also those same traits will still be inside them, like and innate need for violence or something," Nona explained monotonously. "It is not our job solely to eradicate corruptive souls from the Earth's population, but it helps if we can stop many being reincarnated. God knows there are enough deviants already in existence."

"Speaking of," Ginti interjected, "how would we go about communicating with Decim?"

"It's probably not an easy task," Commented Clavis. At this, Nona smiled. "Actually, boys, it can be. In the memories of every soul we can usually find all kinds of details: PIN numbers, addresses, passwords, phone numbers and so on….we might have access to that information," She seemed momentarily upset, but carried on. "We could just call him."

"Oculus has gone to see Castra, we'll have to wait until he returns," The redheaded bartender concluded.

To everyone present, the situation resembled a jury in court, awaiting a final ruling.

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