Revery of Madness Chapter 4: I - Barriers, a doctor who fanfic

The interior of the Master's TARDIS looked a lot different than the Doctor's. The walls were lined with bookshelves and foreign machines that constantly moved like clockworks. The console itself was clean and of black metal, but engraved with delicate patterns that could only be felt when one ran their fingers over them. Somewhere stood a table with lots of taken apart things, where the Master loved to tinker around. And when he wasn't busy with that he usually sat on the sofa he had dragged inside here to read.

What Roka liked most about his TARDIS, though, was the lighting. The whole console room had small lamps everywhere, black and with delicate metal cages that resembled leaves. The light they gave off was of blue and green colours, contrasted by a set of orange lamps around the sofa area and the control table itself. The room was bathed in the sensation of being underwater, but still managed to give off a surprisingly warm ambience.

She strolled over to the table and picked up her Vortex Manipulator and a small tablet in which she had stored away all important data the Doctor had given her. It also could be used to access the tiny bots in her head. A necessary augmentation the Master had gotten for Roka, because her human brain wasn't designed for her infinite life span. Like this she might not have a better memory than other humans, but at least she wouldn't forget her past completely.

Still pondering about the strange encounter with the urchin, Roka typed in all info they had gathered on the planet - which wasn't much. She had to remind herself that this would probably take a long time, maybe even years. In case they wouldn't run into something useful by accident. Until then it was all about gathering data and sorting it for patterns.

oOo~-̶̰͕͑̐ ̵̡͔̕~̷̱̤̖̆͋͘ ̴͍̈́̂̽.̴̯̦̹͛ ̶͍̎͌#̷̡̳̟͆ ̷̲̇̋̑-̸̧͙͂ ̶͕̜̆̐̿~̵̡̛̳͖͂̃ ̵̣̊̓̄.̷͇̺́̏ ̷̞̑͐#̶̢͈̦͌ ̴̰̃̐͠-̸̝́ ̵̛̱͉~̸̫̈̎ ̴̙̇̿̄.̵̧͙̻̓͛̓ ̵̦̠̈́̿#̵̳͎̯̀̑ ̷͓̩̞̉̑͑-̴̮̞̕ ̸̢̭̪̊~̷͔͇̞̈́͝ ̵̙̬̓.̶̰̘̏͘ ̶̯̝͐̿͛#̷̪̆́ ̶̼̎̾͋-̸̨́ ̴͙̹̪͆͊~̵͓̓̔͐ ̶̛͎͍̗.̷̀̎ͅ ̴̳̬͆͝#̵͉̻̭̓̑ ̶͈̗̩̂̈́-̷̢̛̙͆͐ ̶̙̐~̶̬͓̎̈ ̵͓̄.̶̹̪̆͝͝ͅ ̵̥̑̀̈́#̵̭͚͂̔ ̷̤͔̈́͜-̷̥̗̈ ̵̝̀͆͘~̶̓̿͜ ̸̺̣̈́.̴̜͗̅ ̴̿͜#̷͈͉̋ͅ ̴̡̠̒̾-̵̡̯̤̒̕ ̸̺͋͂~̸̦̗͚̾̕ ̸̭̝͋.̸̢͖̻̅̇͝ ̴̨̬͗#̵̺͍̮̂ ̴͖̫̈́ͅ~oOo

"You seem a little distracted," Roka remarked some days later.

The Master paced up and down inside the console room, some small gadget in hands he was constantly tinkering with. But here and there he seemed to completely forget about it, sometimes rushed to a table to write something down, only to get back to the console and read some data, to then remember the device in his hands again.

"No, 'm not," he mumbled absently. "Just thinking. Scheming." A half-hearted smile shot to his face, vanishing as fast as it had appeared. "The usual."

"New plans for the grand takeover of the universe?" she teased with a smirk and leaned against the console, steadying herself with both hands.

He only hummed confirming, although it could mean anything, actually.

"Or a new idea to bother the Doctor?"

"That too," he mumbled into his beard, his eyes suddenly lighting up and he ran back to his table to scribble down another set of circular writing. "Might get him riled up quite a bit, that one," he chuckled to himself.

"You just left him on good terms," Roka reminded him. "Why the animosity again?"

The Master looked up and gave her a, truly, puzzled look. "Again? Still! And why do these bloody fukori-circuits always burn up?" He growled lowly and threw the small device onto the sofa, before he rushed to the console and pulled two levers directly next to Roka. "At least the infinum-capacitators seem a little more stable now."

"Eh... are you working on ten things at once?" Roka eyed him suspiciously as he already left again to grab some new parts and a screwdriver, flopped cross-legged to the ground and started to dismantle a circuit board.

"Could be... didn't count."

She sighed and shook her head. "Well... I'm going to have a nice long and hot bath now, and then get some food into my stomach."

There was no answer, no teasing, no ambivalent remark. Instead he suddenly was holding his head as if he had an ache, eyes pressed shut tightly. A moment later he blinked with a concerned expression, shook his head and mumbled something only he could hear, so Roka just left him to his own business.

When she returned, cheeks red from the warm water and hair still damp, she found him under his control table, sitting with his back against the base, head tilted upwards, eyes closed. It almost appeared as if he was sleeping. And maybe he was, considering he still kept himself awake for way too long.

Roka went down on her haunches and waved a hand in front of his face. There was no reaction and for a few moments she only watched him, not quite willing to wake him, but also not to stop... well... looking at him. The Master was a handsome man, after all, no denying that, although a small voice in Roka's head rebelled quietly.

Her feelings were still an unkempt swirl of uncertainty, the idea of simply leaving and that of staying for much longer equally appealing. Well, not quite equally. She leaned a little forward, tempted to be just this tiny little bit closer, her eyes glued to his lips. And suddenly there was a hand grabbing her wrist, tugging at her just enough to get her off-balance so she practically almost fell against him. Roka could catch herself in the last moment, one hand pushed against the control table, the other on his shoulder.

"How impertinent, little crow," the Master muttered and swiftly caught her site, drawing her closer and right into his lap. She had to practically straddle him so she wouldn't fall.

And before she could get away again he slightly bent his knees, trapping her in place and making her slide flush against him. His hands caged her face, drew her to him. He was so fast Roka had no time to react. Their foreheads connected, eyes locked and noses touching they sat there, in unmoving quiescence. Roka felt his breath on her lips, her own racing heartbeat, the urge to lean just a little bit more forward. The Master, though, strangely made no movement, wouldn't push in any way, and just drank in her presence.

"Listen," he uttered and closed his eyes, "it's so quiet." Belying their intimate position there was no urgency about him, no heat. One of his hands snaked around her, resting on the small of her back, fingers spread. The other moved under her chin, tenderly stroked along it and sent a strange, sudden calmness into her mind, allaying her silly heart as she understood that he, right now, only wanted to share this quiet moment with her.

Roka complied, listened closely to all the noises the time machine was making, from the buzzing electricity to the slight hum that always filled the air. She listened, although she knew she would never hear the same kind of silence as the Master.

She stayed and didn't move, listening while his thumb tenderly stroked over her back, her head inching ever so closer, almost unnoticed, until their lips were only a breath apart. His eyes opened ever so slightly, the warm hazel of his irises mesmerizing her in ways she would never understand. But he didn't move, neither encouraging nor coaxing her into anything. Roka understood he was giving her the feeling of being in control of the situation, of knowing it was all up to her, no matter what her decision would be.

She lingered there, subconsciously getting aware of his hearts drumming against her chest. And suddenly it scared her that she was able to do this to the Master, that a man like him was letting her into his carefully crafted shell, and that she, in return, wasn't able to open herself up to anyone.

She just couldn't.

Slowly Roka retreated, every last bit of her mind rebelling against it. The Master glared at her, then cast his eyes down, and in the same moment she felt such a sadness overcome her that it was hard to breathe. He moved his hands from her back and stretched out his legs so she could get up easily, while he himself stayed put.

Roka got clumsily to her feet, coughed slightly, trying to shake off the emotions she had caught from him again, and decided to ask him about this phenomena another time. Her eyes fell on her Vortex Manipulator, her fingers sliding over the console. She needed something... anything to distract her now.

"So... since you have so many plans of your own..." she began carefully, not quite looking at him, "Do we go to the next coordinates? Or... I don't know... you drop me off somewhere and I meet you there again?"

The Master rose to his feet and turned to the controls. He shook his head, but didn't look at her when he spoke. "No, I'm coming with you. The plans can wait." He shrugged, absently glared at a map of star coordinates and then started to pull levers and push buttons.

It was always hard to keep track of time while travelling with a TARDIS. It also had been with Roka's Vortex Manipulator. Same thing, in the end, when it came to this.

"'m not even that sure anymore how old I actually am," Roka grumbled while noting down everything they had gathered from the last visited places. "Two hundred is just a nice number... but it could be some decades more. Not less, though... at least that I'm certain of."

The Master didn't react immediately, and when he did it seemed only half-hearted. He shrugged, not even looking in her direction. "You'll get used to it. Doesn't matter anyway."

His mind was somewhere else again, scheming something in the background. He seemed constantly tired, lately, but no matter how hard Roka pushed, he wouldn't give away the reason for it. Only thing she knew, was that it made him a lot more irritable than usually. Roka could feel it, and it started to worry her.

Then there also was their weird mental connection that seemed more or less intense from time to time. Roka hadn't brought up the subject yet, although she wasn't quite sure about the why. She wondered whether it was only herself that was affected or if the Master, too, felt her emotions, and simply wasn't bothering with explaining the whys. Also there was a small voice in her head...

The TARDIS suddenly shook violently, sending her flying from the sofa onto the wooden floor. Usually the Master handled his ship a lot smoother than the Doctor, and it actually was the first time Roka experienced her making a fuss like this. The Master cursed loudly and rubbed his head, obviously having nudged it somewhere against.

"What the everlasting, sodding, bloddy Vortex bugs!" he called out and kicked against the pedestal of the control table. "Where are we?"

"You tell me," Roka groaned and got herself up again. "I thought we weren't travelling, right now?"

"No... we weren't," he growled back and frantically scanned his small monitor with his eyes. "Tried to fix the stupid korova mechanism. And that shouldn't send us flying anywhere!" He slammed his fist into the controls, making Roka jump.

She stepped next to him and lay a hand on his arm. "Hey, calm down, nothing bad happened."

The Master snatched her hand from him, grabbed it almost painfully tight and then literally threw it away.

Luckily Roka stood stable or otherwise she would have landed on the floor once again. Instead she only took a surprised step back and the Master's eyes widened slowly in shock. He reached out as if to touch her and Roka retreated quickly, more out of reflex than anything else, but the hurt in his eyes suddenly overshadowed his previous anger.

"Stay away," he mumbled, the words sounding like an apology.

This time she felt nothing from him, wondering if he might be closing himself off right now, even belying himself, so he wouldn't have to face whatever it was that bugged him these days.

Actually, now that Roka thought about it, he was distancing himself quite a lot, recently. And with a sting in her chest she thought to know the reason for it.

Ever since the small incident under the control table they hadn't come any closer again. Not even remotely as close. Roka hadn't thought it would affect him that much, though. The Master was, after all... himself. And a Time Lord. So much older than she would ever be, his entire species programmed to be above such primitive things as feelings.

Sure, she had seen the Doctor together with Rose, but he was a completely different person when it came to these things. The Master was cold and distanced towards everyone, didn't let a single person into his life. The first time they had met, so many decades ago, Roka had thought he must be the loneliest man in the entirety of time and space.

Maybe the thought hadn't been so wrong.

Maybe he now had started to hate her a little, for distancing herself from him so much. Because Roka had been the first person since who knows how many centuries that he had allowed close to him. And who, if not Roka, would have to know how unbearable loneliness could be?

She noticed the error in her thoughts when she stepped back and shyly peeked up at him. One of his hands was grabbing the console next to him, his knuckles white from the firmness. His eyes were filled with regret and almost desperation, when he finally looked at her.

"I don't want to hurt you, little crow," he muttered.

It wasn't the first time she heard him say these exact words. She knew - this time she felt - how true they were. But when she wanted to reach out for him, he rushed past her and deeper into the TARDIS, from where he wouldn't return for quite some time.

Roka had spend over twenty years living in the Doctor's TARDIS. The glitch had made him forget about her, time and time again. And since there had been no one to forbid it, Roka had wandered the depths of the time machine quite extensively. Not only once had she endangered her own life with it, though, and only the knowledge of the potential danger was what now kept her from exploring the Master's TARDIS too much.

But since they were hovering inside the Vortex and the Master was nowhere to be found, Roka got bored. She wasn't entirely sure whether or not it was safe to dare a jump with her Vortex Manipulator while they weren't parked. And she also didn't want to risk him flying off without her. Right now that wouldn't surprise her that much, considering how he avoided her.

She wanted to apologize, wanted to tell him how stupid she was to behave like this and how she actually felt, but that her bloody mind was, for some reason, not allowing her to act upon it.

Something still held her back.

The Master had literally kidnapped her, after he had lifted the glitch. And then he had dragged her to the Doctor so he would fix Roka. Somehow he had. He and Amy, but for a huge part also the Master himself. They all had helped to make her able to smile again, where before she had only been broken and empty.

A wound, created by loneliness, couldn't be healed so easily. She had found the memories of her journey to be even more troublesome, after the Master had gotten this brain augmentation for her. The human mind wasn't designed for a lifespan like hers, so she had slowly started to forget more and more things of her past, up to the point where she had started to write everything down. But he had brought her to a specialist and now her brain was literally covered in who knows how many tiny bots that allowed her to access all those memories again.

And they hurt.

Properly remembering everything also meant getting more aware of the pain she had endured. And there had been lots of it. Far more than a single person should ever be forced to bare.

No. This wasn't something that would just heal within a short time.

Roka sighed and glanced up from the book in her lap she wasn't even reading. The library was still one of her favourite spots in here, and it was even bigger than the Doctor's. But right now she just couldn't for the life of hers focus on reading.

Instead she sauntered into the console room, hands buried in her jeans pockets, head in thoughts. She really hoped to find the Master in here, but there was no sign of him, again. Her eyes fell on the small monitor on the console and she stopped short.

They had landed somewhere. Or maybe the TARDIS had done so on her own, misbehaving as she was these days. That actually was exactly the sort of distraction Roka had been looking for, so she rushed to the doors to push them open and peek outside.

There was lots and lots of snow. Mountains of it, actually. This wasn't earth though, as she realized fast when she checked the coordinates on her Vortex Manipulator. They were somewhere in a galaxy and also a time that were both so far away from earth that it was hard to even think about.

In front of the TARDIS, but at least some miles away, lay the ruins of a city. It was truly a sight to behold, even in the current state. Once this place must have been highly advanced - at least for her understanding. Tall buildings rose into the air, perforated by time, bent and twisted as if a giant had toyed with them. On closer inspection it actually seemed as if they had somehow molten into their current form, black obsidian statues of grotesque forms standing out from the glaring white of the snow, but dull and overgrown at the same time. There were grey and blue plants covering everything, and Roka wasn't so sure if those were real plants or decorative elements. From that far away it was hard to tell.

So fascinating was the sight, that Roka forgot about the cold that gnawed on her slender frame, and she spun around in sudden shock as she heard steps that clearly were too light to be those of the Master.

A person came up the hill, treading slowly in the all consuming white, but steadily approaching. They were dressed in a white snow suit and wore a warm hood and tinted glasses against the glaring white. There also was a large backpack lurking out behind their head. The traveller stopped and took off the glasses, eyes wandering curiously over Roka, then over the massive snow heap that was currently the TARDIS. It didn't seem as if the traveller recognized it as such.

But Roka very well recognized those blond curls that lurked out from under the hood, knew the ever so curious blue eyes, that now wandered over herself, an eyebrow raising at her unfitting choice of clothes for the weather, probably wondering how Roka had gotten here.

Roka coughed and smiled a little, raising her hand in an awkward greeting towards the blond one.

"Hey there, River."