A/N: Me: Hmm... I don't know about continuing this. It could easily spiral out of hand again and end up a 70+ chapter fanfiction like the last one...
Also Me, opening a new doc: give the people what they want
Anyways, hope you enjoy our depressed baby!
This is going to be quite the adventure.
Steven stumbled across Homeworld, past gems and buildings and statues. Ignored smiling faces and cheerfully waving hands, and enthusiastic greetings and Diamond salutes. Fought back waves of nausea and anger as they boiled deep in his gut, churning and twisting in ways that pained him and scared him all at once. He could feel it burning inside him like a flame, spreading through every part of his body directly from the stomach. It made his hands clench reflexively, rapidly flickering between his pink state and his normal state as he hopped up the stairs three at a time to get to the palace, every part of his body trembling. He hadn't stopped.
He didn't know why, but he really couldn't stop. You'd think the shock would've worn off by now. Or maybe it wasn't shock - maybe it was just the anger that was eating him alive.
Continuing to struggle with himself, internally, Steven hopped up three more stairs, tilting his head back to look up at the palace. White Diamond's ship loomed - somewhat threateningly - over him. Hell, over all of Homeworld; Steven couldn't stop the ominous feeling brewing in the pit of his stomach, nor could he prevent yet another brief but intense flare of anger. It wasn't even particularly directed toward anything, or anyone… or maybe it was. There was something, lingering in the back of his mind. Quiet, brutal thoughts whispering in his head, intoxicating and terrifying all at once. It made him shrink in on himself, though not quite literally - especially considering, as soon as these emotions had flared up, Steven had ended up growing quite a bit, head swelling briefly, before he managed to calm himself enough to return to his normal size. Still, he remained pink, as he began a slower ascent up the stairs, no longer as eager to arrive.
It didn't take him as long as he would have liked to get to the top, but he paused outside the door all the same. Lifting a hand, shining pink, he looked up again and swallowed. He should be used to this by now, but he wasn't. He hadn't been back to Homeworld since… jeez, since Spinel. The Diamonds kept in contact with him through calling, of course, but Steven preferred to keep even that to a minimum. Two years with them hadn't exactly been… well, Steven wouldn't say it had been particularly unpleasant, but it certainly hadn't been the best two years of his life. He remembered being so homesick, having little contact with the gems as they worked on building Little Homeworld back on Earth, while Steven worked to help the Diamonds.
You chose this, he chided himself sharply, pursing his lips as he finally pushed the door open, with little effort, to walk inside. His eyes widened slightly as he looked up, straight ahead, across the palace. There were a few gems scattered around here and there, but the first thing Steven noticed was that the Diamonds certainly weren't - and he didn't know whether to be relieved or not. The door shut loudly behind him, snapping him from his thoughts, and the hybrid shook his head furiously at his own behavior as he continued forward with a frown. Well, he'd have to ask someone where the Diamonds were. Shouldn't be too hard. Steven fixed his gaze on the crowd gathered just in front of the thrones, breathing in through his teeth. That was as good a place to start as any, he supposed, so he approached somewhat cautiously, listening as they spoke.
"-you can see, this truly was the center of power in the Gem Empire throughout the second Era," the purple Pearl was speaking calmly, raising a hand toward the stairs, and Steven looked up.
The looming thrones ahead of him, an array of familiar colors that, admittedly, made his stomach twist nervously, was a sight he certainly hadn't missed. After so long of pretty much living on Homeworld, he had found himself pretty sick of the planet by the time he'd been able to leave. Sick of the planet, sick of the Diamonds, and sick of being labeled as one of them. His gaze flickered from one throne to the other, from white, to yellow, to blue; and then down to the smallest one, centered below the others. The pink one. The one he'd spent a lot of his time sitting in, younger than he was now; swinging his legs back and forth, listening to the Diamonds talk about how they were going to dismantle their colonies. He'd gotten a lot less fidgety the more time he spent with them, sitting a lot straighter, trying to act a little more focused.
Even now, he felt his spine straighten reflexively, despite the tingling sensation of wrongness that it brought. It came from watching the other Diamonds, their calm and collected manners during meetings, their tense and regal postures that he ended up trying to mirror instinctively - if not somewhat self-consciously - as two years passed by in the most agonizingly slow way. It wasn't that he didn't want to be one of them - even though he didn't - but it was more or less his way of trying to make himself seem a little less out of place among these gems…
"... it's easy to feel as if you, too, have the power of a Diamond!"
Steven flinched, dropping his gaze quickly. He was genuinely surprised he hadn't turned pink just from that, but it didn't stop him from lifting both hands to his face just to make sure his cheeks weren't tinging pink, either. When he was satisfied, seeing none reflected on his hands, he dropped both of his arms to his sides again and lifted his chin, taking a long, deep breath in and turning toward the gems, only to realize they were being led away again. The hybrid opened his mouth and stepped forward, but before he could call them back, his gaze flicked to the side, focusing on a familiar, pink, pig-tailed gem, who seemed to turn to see him at the same time. Steven felt his eyes widen at the same time that he saw hers do the same.
But he didn't have any time to react, other than freezing, when she turned to face him completely. "Steven!" Her arms stretched toward him, too fast for him to flinch away but still enough to make him panic as her hands wrapped around him, pulling herself toward him with a giggle that almost reminded him of her when she'd first reformed after being rejuvenated. He couldn't help but grimace when she reached him, wrapping him in a giant, warm hug. The thing that really freaked him out, though, was when she pressed her lips to his face with a long, squeaky, over-exaggerated, "Mwwwwah!", before pulling away with a grin.
Steven hissed a little under his breath, but said nothing, simply screwed his eyes shut as tight as possible and willed the pinkness to go away, not even having to check this time to know it had happened. "Spinel…" He began, only to shake his head furiously and blink his eyes open, looking up at her. She simply continued to beam at him, in a way that made him wonder if he had turned pink, and why she wasn't questioning it - but he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, simply taking in a breath to calm himself, and sighed. "What's wrong with you?"
Spinel snickered at that, offering him a sweet, if not dramatic smile, as she clasped her hands together in front of her and batted her eyelashes. "Oh, you know," she giggled, "the usual!" Steven didn't reply immediately, frowning a little to himself, but at least managing to be glad that she hadn't taken offense. He hadn't meant it offensively, of course, but he still couldn't stifle the flare of frustration that wormed its way through him, only able to distract himself from it by rubbing his sleeve over his face and shaking his head at himself again, with a slight scowl now. He needed to get his head back in the game. Stop getting so angry. That was what led to…
Steven exhaled, sharply, and brought his arm away from his face to peer uncertainly at Spinel, who was studying him somewhat curiously at this point, having turned back to him completely and clasping her arms behind her back as she cocked her head at him, and stared. It took the hybrid a moment to put a smile on his face, somewhat shaky despite his best efforts, but there was nothing he could do about that. "So…" He trailed off for a moment, letting his hand linger in the air for a good few seconds before lowering it back to his side, gripping the bottom of his jacket tensely and giving her a long, weary look. "Uh… How have you been? Since…"
His words trailed, as did his eyes, as he managed to cut that sentence off short. Suddenly unable to look at her, and not really knowing why, he fixed his gaze on the ground, and stared.
"Since I tried to kill you?" Spinel's voice was somewhat understanding, if not slightly guilty. With a laugh, she shifted forward, taking a half-step closer but seeming to respect his personal space otherwise as she lifted a hand, rubbing the back of her neck. "Yeah… that was so embarrassing, right?" Managing a giggle, she looked up at him, and Steven forced another smile as he let his eyes bounce around the room for a moment. "I'm doing better, I think. The Diamonds are great!"
Steven huffed out a sigh and shut his eyes, managing to find a bit of relief in the whirlwind of anger and resentment and guilt swirling through him. She was doing better. The Diamonds were great. He repeated the thoughts to himself, painfully aware of how bitter it sounded even to his own ears, but he blinked his eyes open and looked back up at her all the same, smile fading. Just for a moment, he wondered what he was even doing here - what he was even trying to do. They were no different from everyone back home; here he was, intruding on their lives, on their progress. But it's different, he reminded himself sternly, you're not coming to them for help. You're coming to them to… help them! Yeah! This… technically could help them. I'm dangerous!
"So, what are ya doin' here?" Spinel snapped him from his thoughts with the same cheerful smile, planting her hands on her hips and looking at him expectantly. Steven paused, lifting his gaze back to her again, almost confused for a moment, before his eyes widened slightly.
"Oh." Steven hesitated, just for a moment, before taking a deep breath and swallowing. This was for the best, he reminded himself. He was there to do the right thing, right? This was the right thing, right? Putting an end to all the danger he was subjecting everyone to just by simply… existing. In the best way he could think of, short of… "I need to see White Diamond."
"No kidding," Spinel snorted, her smile turning somewhat mischievous as she stretched her arms up over her head, looping them around each other a few times. "Ya never call, ya never write…" She continued on, looking up for a moment, before fixing her gaze back on Steven and offering him a lopsided grin, letting her arms spring back to her sides with a hum. The hybrid watched on, silent and lost in thought, as Spinel went on, "like ya don't want anything to do with us, Universe! I mean, not that I'd blame ya, for sure. We're a rough bunch! But-"
"That's not it," Steven interrupted hastily, a little sharply even for his own liking, but Spinel's grin didn't fade as she arched an eyebrow at him, like she could see through the lie just as easily. Honestly, he kind of hated himself for the fact that it was a lie. It wasn't like he wanted to not want anything to do with them. Truth be told, he wished he did want something to do with them, because then it might be a little bit easier to be around them. But he didn't say any of that, swallowing down the words before they could escape, and shaking his head slightly as he struggled to put his thoughts back in order. "I'm just… I'm kinda going through something right now…?" Gripping the bottom of his jacket a little tighter, he flicked his gaze away again.
"Sounds serious." Spinel's smile finally faltered, and Steven blinked a little in surprise as her excited exterior seemed to deteriorate, or at least take the back-burner, as she tilted her head. "Yeah, I wasn't gonna mention it, but ya don't seem too hot either. What's the deal, sunshine? Trouble with your lady human friend, or somethin'?"
Steven flinched at that. "No- well-" He stumbled a little over his response, finally losing his patience, and gritted his teeth slightly as he flicked his gaze back toward her. "That's not it, okay? It's way more serious than that. Now, at least. I… I've been… glowing pink, and…" He gestured toward himself, not really sure he even needed to explain that, considering the second Spinel had mentioned his… 'lady human friend', he had turned pink anyways. "Swelling up. And- and now it's gotten so out of hand that I- I accidentally-" He stopped himself, not that he could have continued anyways, and twisted his jacket a little bit. He couldn't spit the words out now, but at least he didn't feel nauseous at the thought of it anymore. At least, not as much as before. Spinel only blinked back at him, a frown on her face now, as she studied him intently.
"Well, alright, don't be gettin' worked up about gettin' worked up, y'know?" Spinel held her hands up, a gesture clearly meant to be placating or comforting or something of the sort, but Steven still couldn't keep himself from flinching on time. If Spinel noticed, she didn't say anything about it, just beamed back at him and dropped one hand, offering the other one to him. "That's not gonna help anybody. I don't know if White's back yet, but I know who ya could talk to 'til she is! Blue's kind of a whole expert on this sorta thing. I'm sure she could cheer ya up!"
Steven looked down at her outstretched hand, then back up at her face, not really knowing what to say. Before he could open his mouth, though, she was speaking again. "Steven, seriously. You need to relax, and Blue's just the Diamond to help get that tension outta your shoulders."
"I- I don't think that's what I-" Steven clenched his fists and looked down for a moment. He was still pink, and he could feel it pulsing, eating at him. It usually didn't hurt, but this time it just made his body ache, already-strained muscles burning. It felt like flames were licking at his bones on the inside, creeping across his body at an agonizingly slow pace, and the flicker of fury brewing in his gut sure hadn't fizzled out quite yet. She wasn't listening to him - nobody listened to him. And yes, a part of him chided that he wasn't really trying to make himself be heard as much as he should, but he still couldn't stifle the anger. It was irrational - it felt irrational and even he was acutely aware of that, but he still couldn't bring himself to shut his mouth. "That's not what I need, Spinel, I need to see White!" He snapped, flicking his gaze back up.
Spinel, to her credit, didn't flinch. But she did pause, pulling her hand back and blinking back at him with a look of mild surprise; Steven only took a second to try and calm himself, recoiling and covering his face with his arm as he struggled to pull himself together, struggled to control the fury raging through him. But before he could work himself up to a proper apology, Spinel spoke up again, rubbing the back of her neck again with an almost puzzled expression. "Well, alright. Sorry, Steven." Flashing him an apologetic smile, she crossed her arms behind her back again. "I got'cha, though! We'll just go see if she's back, then, yeah? My bad, really. No pressure."
Steven froze at that, lowering his arm and staring at her incredulously. The apology took him by surprise, especially since it didn't quite feel deserved in that moment, but all he could manage was a shaky nod as he swallowed past the lump that had risen back to his throat. God, he was such a wreck. It was like he couldn't decide whether to be angry or sad or guilty, alternating between the three so rapidly it left him reeling - as well as whoever was unfortunate enough to be in front of him when it happened. Steven exhaled, rubbing his face as if he could rub the rest of the pinkness away, but it retreated on its own easily enough as he began to relax. "... yeah."
"Great! C'mon then," Spinel cheered, bouncing off - quite literally - and Steven lowered his hand from his face. He stared after her, then spared a hesitant glance over his shoulder, back toward the doors of the palace. He wasn't sure whether to be happy that the anger had… at least somewhat fizzled out, at least for the time being… or upset that it had been immediately replaced with guilt. He supposed that was better, though - feeling guilty was undoubtedly better than getting angry and doing something else worth feeling guilty over, but he had a sinking feeling he didn't have much control over what he did at this point. It wasn't like it was his powers doing this to him, and he knew better than to think that; this was all him, one-hundred percent. He was letting his emotions get the better of him, and his powers were just coming along for the ride, as they so often did. But Steven didn't know how to control them any more than he knew how to control the new abilities that came with them - so, he comforted himself, this was right.
He was doing the right thing.
Steven sighed, rubbing his face again and finally turning to head after Spinel, who had stopped to look back at him, waiting for him to catch up. She flashed him a smile as he approached, and he struggled to offer her a somewhat half-hearted one in response, even as his heart ached.
"If White's anywhere, she's probably in her room," Spinel informed him, seeming to forget about personal space as the hybrid caught up to her again; he winced when she looped her arm with his, and bit back his protests. He usually wouldn't have minded the contact, but right then, he seemed to be minding a lot of things that he'd usually just allow to slip past him in the past. This was one of them. Still, he only nodded, breathing in through his nose and looking ahead again as Spinel continued to lead him forward. "She's been real busy these days. All the Diamonds have! Yellow with her experiments, and Blue with those pretty little clouds of hers-"
"Wait," Steven interrupted, and Spinel paused, looking over at him. "What experiments?" His tone was accusatory, even to his own ears, and he couldn't keep himself from flinching on time. Way to jump to conclusions, but he couldn't help it. The fury and guilt had twisted into something a little more wary, and he could only assume it had to do with his surroundings. He'd never felt completely… okay with Homeworld, though it had been easier to ignore when he was younger and more focused on helping the Diamonds than he was about what he was feeling. Steven bit down on his lower lip, hard enough to taste blood, but the wound healed itself almost immediately - much to his chagrin, because the split-second of pain had been rather… grounding, oddly enough. He found himself missing it as soon as it was gone, but the sentiment didn't last too long, as he realized Spinel was speaking to him again, answering his question.
"-so she's just focused on fixing 'em now," the pink gem was saying cheerfully as she led Steven along, and the hybrid blinked a few times, opening his mouth to ask her to repeat that but deciding better of it and snapping it shut again almost immediately as she continued on, "she's been real focused on it. And she's been talking about fixing the Cluster, whatever the heck that is! But she's just workin' on fixin' the gems that have been bubbled, s'all."
"Oh." Steven relaxed slightly, able to deduce that it wasn't anything particularly bad, at least, from the little bit he had caught from that. He still felt a little bad for not listening at first, but he shook it off quickly enough. She couldn't have known he had zoned out, it was perfectly fine. He had heard enough to be satisfied that nothing bad was going on, which was all he had wanted. But he wasn't here to fix it if it was, he reminded himself sternly, because he had bigger problems. Hell, he was the bigger problem. And he felt a little bad for thinking that way, but… well, it was the truth, wasn't it? How was he supposed to help anybody when he was like this? So it didn't matter anyway. He really needed to stop thinking like this… it was over…
"So, whaddya need to see White for anyway?"
Steven stiffened slightly at that, staring ahead for a moment. He thought back to Pearl, trying to talk him out of going to Homeworld, knowing what he had intended to do. Sure, he didn't know if Spinel would outright disagree with him - for all he knew, she might even agree once he told her the whole story. But at the same time, he also wanted to hold off on an explanation, because he… he didn't think he'd be able to offer it twice. "I…" The hybrid twisted his mouth, sighing. "Just… I need to ask her to do something. You'll see," he offered, and Spinel seemed satisfied.
"Okie dokie, Universe." Humming, Spinel stretched her hand up to press it to the panel of a door, and Steven faltered to a stop, shifting back and forth on his feet and offering the door a nervous, long stare. Tried to pretend he didn't know why he was so nervous, why his heart was racing faster and faster with each passing second. At the very least, keeping the thoughts at bay was keeping his pinkness at bay, which was good. The hybrid breathed out through his teeth, rubbing his hand over his face again - this time purely out of stress, rather than irritation. Better to just get this over with, get it done with, and it would all be over soon enough. He just needed to get through his one little interaction, this one little thing. Talking to White Diamond. Because she was the only one from Earth to here who could do what needed to be done. Stop him.
Steven straightened up, muscle memory holding him tense and tall as he entered the room beside Spinel. He was still shaking, and he could feel the tremors in his hands as he curled them together behind his back, rolling his aching shoulders back and trying to calm the stiff muscles as they continued to burn in response to his instinctive reaction. He didn't bother actively attempting to fight it himself, knowing there was nothing he could do, his brain and body seemingly already hardwired to react this way when he was in the presence of the Diamonds.
Especially White Diamond herself, he nagged endlessly, and swallowed down a hiss of annoyance at himself as he stepped forward, letting his gaze trail up, up and up…
And, finally, there she was. She was a lot more relaxed than she had been the last time Steven had seen her, and he had to blink a few times to make sure what he was seeing was real. White Diamond sat criss-cross on the floor, hands in front of her, in some sort of meditation-pose, and leaning back calmly against the wall with her eyes shut and a smile on her face. One eye cracked open when Spinel and Steven drew closer, and she seemed surprised - pleasantly surprised - when her gaze landed on him. "Spinel… and Steven, what a surprise. And such perfect timing, as well." She beamed, both eyes open now, as she looked down at him. "I've just gotten back from my latest charitable escapade! I've been going from planet to planet giving-"
"White- White, I- uh-" Steven interrupted, hands clenching into fists behind his back. He tried not to feel annoyed, knowing he should be glad - right? - at the way the Diamonds had changed, especially White herself. But he couldn't help the flare of irritation that rose in his chest, nor could he stifle his anger at how she only seemed to be bragging at how much good she was doing now. And while he knew, rationally, she didn't mean it in that way - or at least, he knew he should give her the benefit of the doubt and immediately assume she didn't - rationality hadn't exactly been his strong suit the past few days, and stifling these emotions usually ended up making them far more explosive in the end. So he did what he'd done earlier, clenching his teeth over his bottom lip until he drew blood, the sharp jolt of pain and the metallic taste managing to ground him to the present once again. Much better… He sighed, running his tongue over his lip. The wound healed as easily as it had before, and with a - slightly - clearer head, he turned his gaze back to the Diamond in front of him, who looked more concerned than annoyed, thankfully.
"Well, I can tell this is rather serious," White began, shifting slightly and dropping her hands. She didn't stand up yet, though she did move briefly so that she could kneel in front of them, calmly clasping her hands together in front of her. Watching her, Steven couldn't help but tense again reflexively, not knowing if it was because she was moving or if it was because of those… instincts he apparently still had, the odd need to mirror the regal posture in order to fit in.
"Oh, it totally is," Spinel cut in, and Steven almost jumped, having forgotten she was beside him. "That's his serious face. See?"
"I-" Steven spared the pink gem an irritated, exasperated look, but Spinel didn't seem to notice. Not knowing whether to be glad about that or not, he shifted his focus back to White, moving on and taking a deep, unsteady breath. "I just… I need to talk to you. It is serious- really serious, and I don't… I don't know who else to turn to." Guilt, anger and sadness finally dissolved into something akin to shame, realizing that for the first time. Because there was nobody else to turn to, nobody else who could do what needed to be done, and for some reason, the thought gnawed at him from the inside, eating him alive just like the ever-present fury, which made him realize exactly how much he didn't want to rely on White Diamond of all people for something like this. Could he even trust her in this situation? What if doing what he asked made her…?
Stop it! He bit down on his lip again, a little harder this time. It was still effective, enough to, at least, force his spiraling thoughts to a standstill once again. Looking up and licking his lips to heal the wound and clear the blood away, he turned his attention back to White. "I've been… really out of control lately? I- my powers… no, not my powers. It's not…" The hybrid faltered, if only for a moment, before forcing himself to continue. "It's me and I know that. I'm the problem! And I've been getting really angry and spiraling out of control and- and my powers have a direct connection to my emotions, so when I get mad I get… I get so mad and then I lose control and then I panic and I make it even worse and-" He winced, feeling a rush of sudden, blinding heat flush across his cheeks, that aching feeling that suddenly accompanied the pinkness now.
"Oh, it's just your powers?" White actually had the nerve to laugh at him, and Steven went rigid, shoulders tensing slightly. The pink spread completely, engulfing him once again, and his eyes sharpened slightly as he opened his mouth slightly to respond- only for White to continue, waving a hand as if to dismiss his concerns. "Well, now I understand. Steven, dear, you're a Diamond," she told him. "Your powers are going to spiral, of course! As for your emotions, well, we all know how funny those can be. I'm sure we can fix this before anything gets out of hand-"
"Would you just listen?!" Steven yelled, raising his voice. A sharp crack came from directly below him, the floor shifting beneath his feet, but he didn't spare a glance downwards, afraid of what he might see if he did. Beside him, Spinel let out a surprised yelp and staggered a few steps away, but Steven didn't turn his attention to her, either, keeping a firm glare focused on White - who looked somewhat surprised, though not by much, much to Steven's… well, fury. "That's what I'm trying to tell you! It's already gotten out of hand! I wouldn't be here if it hadn't! I thought I could control it myself, but I couldn't and now I've gone and shattered somebody!"
He expected White to recoil like the gems had, but she only furrowed her eyebrows back down at him. Spinel, on the other hand, let out an audible gasp at Steven's words, sounding a little closer, which made it safe to assume she had deemed it safe enough to step toward him again even after his little outburst. "Aw, gee, Steven… that's awful-"
Pupils shrinking, Steven whirled on her, fists clenched at his sides now. "Yeah, I know it's awful, Spinel," he hissed back, and watched the pink gem's hands raise slightly, a less defensive and more placating gesture, but surprised all the same, as Steven glared at her. He didn't even know why he had gotten so angry over that - that was what he had wanted, for someone to tell him off for what he'd done, for god's sake! And now that she had, all he could feel was his ever-rising irritation, pulsing and burning through him like flames. It was worse this time, stifling and unsteady, making it harder to breathe. "You don't need to- I know, okay? I was there."
"I didn't mean it like that, Universe," Spinel insisted, wide-eyed. "I-"
"Spinel, Steven," White called, and Steven's narrowed glare flicked back to the Diamond in front of them. He was vaguely aware that he was shaking now, trembling more out of anger than anything, but he could still feel his eyes burning as tears fought their way forward. It only served to piss him off further, swallowing down the lump in his throat and trying to focus. Whoever had thought up the phrase blind with anger had been frighteningly accurate, because the hybrid could feel his vision getting blurrier and blurrier by the second, but he didn't know if it was from his fury or if it was from the tears at this point. But he was going to go ahead and assume it was the former, because the last thing he needed was an emotional breakdown in front of White and Spinel at this point. "Let's just try and take a moment to calm down, shall we? And talk this out?" After a moment of hesitation, she added, "Spinel, sweetheart, why don't you step out for a moment? I believe Steven and I should talk this out ourselves for the time being. We don't want him to feel overwhelmed, now, do we?" She smiled down at the little pink gem, who blinked.
Steven clenched his teeth hard enough to make them ache, sparing another glance back toward Spinel. Still high on his fury, he didn't have it in him to spit out an apology at the moment, but a slightly apologetic glance from her still sent him reeling. "Yeah, 'course." Spinel managed a tiny, half-hearted looking smile back at White. "I'll just leave you two to it, then. See ya later?" She offered to Steven, but the hybrid still couldn't force himself to open his mouth and respond, only managing a stiff nod in response and watching as she turned and headed toward the door.
"You didn't have to send her away," Steven spat as he watched the door slide shut behind the pink gem, looking down and stepping out of the small hole in the floor he had created with his anger. "I wasn't going to…" He pressed his lips together, not knowing how to continue, because he didn't even know if it was the truth. Hell, if White hadn't stopped him, maybe he would've done something. Maybe it would've escalated just like it had with Jasper. Maybe he would've gone batshit just like he had in the woods, driven purely by anger and a frightening, desperate need for control. He couldn't say he wouldn't have hurt Spinel - because it might not be true.
White only shook her head, tilting her head slightly and peering down at him with a frown. "Steven, you seem very overwhelmed right now. I'm simply trying to make sure you're comfortable so we can talk about this without any distractions and any triggers." Once again, she shifted positions, carefully folding her legs next to her and propping herself up with her elbow, seemingly trying to get down to his level so that he didn't have to tilt his head so far back to look up at her - which he was still too irritated to appreciate. "Now, you say you shattered somebody… obviously it was an accident, yes? You should have brought the shards with you. Recently Yellow's been working on-"
"No, I- I fixed her," Steven interrupted, anger dissolving slightly, but still not quite fizzling out. He rubbed his pink hands against his face once again, knowing full well that it wouldn't do anything to make the glowing stop but also needing to do something with his hands at this point, because he could just feel himself growing more and more restless by the second. "That's not the problem. I fixed her. I brought her back with- with the bottles, the essence you guys gave me for the corrupted gems. She's fine now, I… I just…" He exhaled, clenching his teeth and swallowing hard, before turning back completely to face White. "I'm worried I might hurt someone else. Because I've already- I've already-" He paused, finding himself unable to say it again a second time, but with the reminder that White was already aware of what he meant, he moved on with a shake of his head. "And I know if I don't find some way to control this, it'll just… happen again."
"Well, that certainly might be a problem," White noted, blinking. "But being scared of your own power certainly won't help matters. Starshine, you can't just stifle them and pretend they don't exist. That's just going to make the problem worse in the long run, isn't it?"
"Agh…" Steven growled, rolling his eyes to the side for a moment. She wasn't getting it. Of course she wasn't, though, and what had he expected to begin with? It was White Diamond he was talking to, and he kept forgetting that fact. He should've just come right out and explained what he wanted from the get-go, then he wouldn't be here trying to explain why he had every right to be scared of his own power in the first place, and why exactly that wasn't even his biggest issue either. "That's not… that's not it. It's not my powers I can't control, it's my-"
"The same can be said for emotions."
"You-" Steven stiffened at that, snapping his gaze back up to White's face in an instant. She blinked back at him, clearly surprised by the furious reaction, but Steven hardly gave her time to open her mouth in response. "And what do you know?" He snapped, clenching his fists again. "You didn't even know what emotions were until I showed up! Wasn't forcing people to stifle their own feelings kinda your thing before all of this anyway?! If I needed emotional advice, I wouldn't have come to you for it!" He seethed, spinning around and taking a few steps away from her. He raised his hands to his head, running his fingers through his curls and gripping tightly. His heart was pounding, his head was reeling, blood boiling and churning. Once again, everything else seemed to spiral away from him, out of reach, out of control, blinded by rage and resentment.
"Very well," White spoke somewhat cautiously now, clearly caught off-guard by Steven's furious spiel, but the hybrid only buried his face into his hands and tried to calm his shaking a little, before he said or did anything else he might end up regretting later on. He tried biting his lip again, but he supposed it didn't work as easily in his pink state, because he only felt numb even when he tasted blood. Breathing in shakily, he just stood there, head in his hands, trying to breathe. "Tell me what you came here for, then, Steven. I can't help you unless you talk to me."
"I don't need help," Steven hissed, staying still for a moment as he tried to calm himself down. The reminder of why he had come there in the first place helped ease some of the anger brewing in his gut, focusing on his task once again as he breathed in deeply and let it out. Here goes nothing - and everything, he chided himself quietly, as he turned around again to face the Diamond before him. She simply stared down at him, eyebrows furrowed in obvious concern, a sickening amount that made Steven's stomach churn. Nausea rolled through him, and he forced himself to keep talking before he had the chance to throw up again, knowing that was the last thing either of them needed right then. Just get it over with. "I can't control myself. I can't. I tried. But you…" He stopped, breathing in shakily, and swallowed hard. "You can."
He watched White stiffen, concern melting into surprise at once, as she stared down at him.
"You can," Steven repeated, his breaths becoming shakier, heavier, as he struggled even harder to compose himself, to not seem as frantic as he felt in that moment. Because even before he knew, he knew, just from the expression on her face, that it wasn't going to be that easy to convince her to do what needed to be done. But he could only hope he was wrong, because if he wasn't, then everybody was doomed. And judging by how he took her refusal, if it came, even Steven knew very well that the conversation could take a turn for the worst, and he wasn't sure exactly how ready he was to have to deal with the aftermath. "You can control me."
Then again, part of him screamed, maybe she could use the persuasion.