"... Steven, I can't possibly… that won't fix anything…"
To be honest, Steven had stopped listening since she started speaking. He felt almost numb, staring back at her in silence as her lips moved, speaking to him. He should hear something, he knew that, but there was only static. He felt like he was underwater, everything muffled and distorted beyond recognition. If that wasn't bad enough, a high-pitched ringing accompanied the sudden sense of deafness, effectively plugging his ears and leaving everything around him muted. He didn't have to hear to know she was refusing him, though - didn't have to know what she was seeing to recognize the pity in her eyes as she looked down at him, hands raising tentatively, gesturing along with the words she was saying as she rambled her concerns to him. He didn't have to understand to recognize in her what he saw in everybody else. False worry, pitying words, smiles meant to be sympathetic that only came across condescending and cold.
She wasn't going to do it. She wanted to help him. He couldn't fathom why - maybe it would make her feel good about herself. Whatever the reason, it still made his trembling hands clench further, fingernails digging sharply into the palms of his hands. His mouth was dry, a bitter taste lingering on his tongue. Internally, he burned - he burned more than he ever had before in his life. The fire ripped him apart piece by piece from the inside, the heat making his stomach churn violently. Hell, for a moment, the blurriness that had been slowly creeping across his vision suddenly took over with a frightening abruptness; it sent him spiraling, unable to see anything. Even White Diamond steadily disappeared from his sight. Her voice finally broke through, but it was more akin to the crashing and roaring of thunder than anything. He still couldn't hear her.
The pressure building inside spread to his chest as he breathed in, as if something was trying to escape. He couldn't find it in him to want to force it down again. Hell, in a way, it was almost welcome. There was confusion, there was disbelief, there was fury - so, so much fury. This time he was sure it was the reason he was shaking, too much for his body to contain, too strong. It was blinding, overwhelming, a sharp, sickening sense of how dare she, how dare she?
How dare she refuse him? After everything she had done to him. The one thing he asked of her, she couldn't - wouldn't - grant. Because of her newfound morals, the ones Steven had to fight and beg and plead and get his gem ripped out for her to obtain. Because she was good now, because she didn't do that anymore, because she didn't mind control other gems when they wanted her to - because that was immoral and wrong and oh, White Diamond would never do anything immoral and wrong, would she? Because she was absolute perfection. Because she made everything better and he made everything worse - that's what you do - because she was all high and mighty and she knew better than everybody else because of course she did-
Steven felt something inside of him erupt, the constantly-building pressure against his chest finally seeming to explode. And he screamed. He screamed, with no words to accompany the sound. And suddenly he could hear again; he could hear his own voice, trembling with the weight of his fury as he just yelled, a desperate attempt to release the overwhelming pressure that was building inside of him, and a furious demand to be heard for the first time.
He could hear the ground cracking beneath his feet, he could hear pillars crumbling under the force of his fury, he could hear White Diamond calling out to him, frantic and confused.
"Steven-!" She sounded scared, he could vaguely note, but he couldn't even bring himself to feel anything. Not satisfaction, not even guilt. Nothing but the fury that was churning inside of him. He felt like it was trying to break him apart from the inside, like it was trying to actually make him explode. Once again, he couldn't see - so he just screwed his eyes shut and threw his head back as he sucked in a breath and screamed again, every part of him aching as he struggled to release every pent-up emotion that had built inside of him for who knows how long. It felt good, it felt so good to get it out like this, to just stand there and yell. He didn't say anything, and he didn't have to; every bit of fury and sorrow and pain he felt echoed through his voice as it shook the walls and floor and ceiling of the room around him. It felt good.
Honestly, he couldn't remember the last time he had screamed just for the sake of screaming. Hell, he didn't even know if he ever had just screamed for the sake of screaming. And, with that in mind, suddenly no longer desperate to be heard, and more so just wanting to get everything out as much as was physically possible, he breathed in shakily once again, and screamed.
He screamed his pain, his confusion, his terror. He screamed his fury and resentment and hatred and inadequacy and guilt. He screamed his shame, his doubts, his fears. He screamed the absolute loathing that was worming its way up his chest, pounding against his ribcage with more force than he was sure he could give back. The loathing that wasn't even particularly directed to anybody else, the loathing that he held only for himself, the loathing he'd locked away for so long when he was just a thirteen-year-old child silently begging to be heard and acknowledged and loved and not left behind for once. He screamed because he'd never had the chance to before, to release all of these emotions, he screamed because this was the only way he could figure out how to do so, because it hurt far too much to keep in even a second more.
Steven screamed, really feeling like a child for the first time in his life. A child without any weight on his shoulders, a child without a magical destiny or purpose, a child who was just tired, tired and scared and angry and desperate to release it all. Didn't matter that a small part of him insisted that this was just a tantrum, an outburst. Didn't matter that maybe it was a tantrum. Didn't matter, because he didn't care anymore, because after so, so long of not being able to do so and not feeling like he was able to do so, he just wanted to let it overpower him. Wanted to slip and lose control and let himself feel like a child, and let himself act like a child.
So he screamed until he couldn't anymore, until his voice gave up on him, his throat aching and restricting and closing up on him. Until the pinkness faded, less because he had calmed down, and more because he didn't have the energy for it anymore. He screamed until he faltered, finally, genuinely exhausted, as he collapsed to his knees inside the new, larger crater that he had created, dropping his head and sucking in as much air as he could, filling his lungs back up again. Not with the intention of screaming, but just with the intention of breathing again.
Kneeling there, he gasped. In and out, panting and huffing as he fought to fill his lungs with all the air he had just let out. He didn't want to look up and survey the damage he'd done - and a part of him honestly didn't particularly care, still somewhat dizzy with the adrenaline coursing through his veins, and the complete, utter relief that came with getting some - if not most - of his anger out for the time being. It had felt good, losing himself in all of the pain he'd been bottling up. Better than he ever thought it would be. Even if it left him reeling and breathless, it was much better than when he had started out. He had worn himself out, though, left himself blind - not with anger, but now with exhaustion. But he felt good. Tired, but good.
Curling his fist against the ground, still shaking - but now more so with the effort it took to hold himself up after all of that - the teenager finally managed to lift his head, tired eyes finally taking in the room around him. It was a little worse than he had expected; most of the pillars had simply crumbled to dust - and the ones that had survived it for the most part were still cracked and looked about two seconds away from crumbling - and the crater he had made beneath him had caused several cracks to spread across the floor in different directions, broken stones and debris scattered across the room. The walls were cracked, windows simply shattered, and just ahead of him, White Diamond was slowly, shakily picking herself up off of the ground, gasping. Steven just watched her, too tired to feel satisfied, but too numb to feel guilty by what he'd done.
Holding a hand to her head, she looked down at him, eyes widening as she took in the damage - but seeming more or less focused on him when she finally spotted him, taking a few steps forward and leaning down slightly. "Oh, Steven… are you alright? That was…" She stopped, her own words seeming to choke her for a moment, and Steven only closed his eyes and sighed.
"Why," the hybrid managed to choke out after a few seconds, voice hoarse and trembling harder than he had expected it to. He sounded about as tired as he felt, fighting to keep his voice loud enough for her to hear, despite how much his throat hurt, protesting against the abuse he was putting it through. Even then, the pain was oddly satisfying. Mostly because it continued to linger, something he couldn't heal in himself for once. "Why won't you do it? Why won't you-" He cut off, gasping for air again as he reached out and gripped the edge of the crater, struggling to heave himself to his feet. "D- Do you get it now? How- how uncontrollable this- I am?"
"This…" White sounded a little closer, and Steven forced himself to open his eyes to look up at her. She had knelt down in front of him, only a few feet away now, her hands pressed to the floor. Steven said nothing, simply continuing to push himself upwards, managing to get one leg out of the crater and sucking in a sharp, shaky breath as he stopped again. He felt weak - physically weak - but he wasn't too surprised. He had overworked himself. But even then, he couldn't ignore the sentiment that it felt so, so worth it, because the exhaustion was way better than every other overwhelming feeling that he'd been fighting against from the get go. "Steven, this isn't… uncontrollable." White lifted a hand toward him, as if to try and help, but she at least had the common sense and courtesy to keep her distance. "And you're not…"
"I'm a monster," Steven's voice sounded small, even to himself. The truth those words held didn't even make him flinch, even though the realization only truly hit when he'd said it aloud. He definitely felt like a monster, like a twisted, hollow being only capable of causing destruction. This certainly hadn't helped with those feelings, but he was too tired to genuinely reflect on them for the time being. Pulling himself out of the crater completely, finally, he settled himself on his knees again and pushed away a broken, cracked slab of stone from one of the pillars, exhaling.
"No!" White exclaimed, and Steven let his eyes roll back up to her, eyebrows furrowing somewhat challengingly in response. "No, you're not. You're just… you're a Diamond-"
"What's the difference?" Steven interrupted, forcing himself to raise his voice back at her, despite the pain that it brought. Pausing, he swallowed and forced another breath in, watching White seem to flinch at his words, but she didn't pull back or retreat, simply stayed steady and kept a sorrowful, somewhat desperate gaze fixed on him. The hybrid rolled his shoulders back, trembling hands lifting from the ground in front of him, as he settled himself back on his knees once again and shook his head back and forth. "Diamond, monster. I didn't ask to be either, but I still ended up both. And I'm still hurting people. Doing things I know I shouldn't be, but I can't…" He closed his eyes and sighed, ducking his head again. "... I… I kinda don't want to stop…"
"Starshine…" White's voice faltered quite a bit, sounding genuinely pained, and Steven bit down on his tongue and shook his head. The pain was more than welcome, but he was slightly disappointed at the lack of blood. Oddly enough. Speaking of blood, though, as he let his gaze trail downwards, he realized there was some trickling down his arms from where his fingernails had cut into his hands, piercing the skin; instead of healing the wound immediately, though, he tentatively pressed both hands down against the ground again, the cuts flesh against the floor, bringing up a peculiar, odd, stinging sensation. And despite wanting to pull away, he held it there, somewhat relieved from it despite himself - because at least he was feeling something.
Looking back up at White, he vaguely realized she was still speaking, struggling to tune back in as he turned his attention back to her in silence. "... it's hard to control, I know. You have all this power, and it only scares you. It's overwhelming, but it makes you feel powerful, doesn't it?"
Steven didn't say anything, and he didn't need to. It did make him feel powerful. He thought back to Jasper, landing punch after punch and laughing to himself as he did, because all of that power was suddenly, finally free. He remembered feeling giddy at being able to release it all, being able to throw himself forward, all in, without hesitation or fear. Remembered how… how he wanted to hurt her. How he had trapped her, deliberately, aware of what he was doing but too high on his power kick to care. How he had carefully summoned that final attack, wanting to… needing to hurt her, needing to satisfy the adrenaline pumping through his veins.
"You fight so hard to push down so much of yourself, Steven," White sighed, placing her hands on the floor again, a little closer to him now. "Your emotions, and your power. And the part of you most connected to it - your gem, your Diamond. You push it down, and you bottle it up…"
Steven screwed his eyes shut, every protest that rose to his tongue dying off just as easily. Too tired to get worked up, too devoid of energy to get angry. He didn't even turn pink - which he supposed was a blessing, because it made it somewhat easier to control himself, without the panic of losing his mind again. So he just stayed still, looking down at his hands in silence. What was he going to say, anyway? That she was right? That she was wrong? He didn't want to admit that she was right, but he also knew he couldn't say she was wrong, either. He didn't want her to be right, and he didn't even want to be having this conversation with her in the first place.
"But it's who you are," White continued to insist. "Why do you fight so much of it, Steven…? What good has that gotten you so far?"
"What good has being a Diamond done for me?" Steven snapped back, unable to put as much energy and bite into the words as he would have liked. He lifted his gaze back to hers, tired eyes roaming for a moment before he just shook his head and looked away, lips curling back into a somewhat half-hearted sneer as he took in the damage around him. "All of this… I never even wanted it. I was perfectly fine until all these new revelations started popping up. Finding out that Mom was a Diamond, and coming back here and trying to be her- but I never even knew her," he added, that bitter taste returning, feelings of inadequacy and resentment brewing in the pit of his stomach once again. "At least when she was Rose Quartz, I could hold onto the stories the Gems told me. I could even count on the bad things I knew about her. And maybe I didn't really know who she was, but at least back then she wasn't just one- one big lie."
Rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes, he sat back on his knees again, shoulders shuddering slightly before he froze again. "Even back then, even with all the questions I had, I never struggled this much to understand. I had a good grip on my powers, I knew what I was, even if I didn't know who I was. But then I found out she was Pink Diamond. The gem she lied about shattering just like she lied about everything else. And suddenly she wasn't even the Mom I 'knew' back then. She never was." He fell silent for a moment, blinking furiously against the tears rising to his eyes. "She was a Diamond. And she never even told her friends. My friends. Pearl knew, and she couldn't even tell me at first. Or… or maybe she could. I mean, she found a way around it anyway-" Huffing out a laugh, he lifted his gaze back to White. "But that's not the point. They don't understand- none of them know what it's like. They don't know what to do with me, I don't know what to do with me, and everything I've ever known turned out to be a lie and just when I thought I'd come to terms with it, all these new powers start coming up. I'm- I'm turning pink, I'm swelling up because my body can't handle the pressure of everything I've been through anymore- everything I can't stop thinking about now. I just wish that I…"
He cut off, ducking his head, and bit down on his lip again. Not to calm himself, or really to ground himself, but this time simply to distract himself from the dull, aching pain in his chest. In a way, it was almost worse than the anger, because he didn't think he'd be able to release it by screaming. Even the tears that forced their way to his eyes, he couldn't allow them to spill, far too exhausted to deal with the emotional pain on top of everything else. "... wasn't a Diamond."
White was silent for a while, just gazing at him. There was something… unreadable, in her eyes, some emotion Steven couldn't identify. He wasn't even sure he wanted to. Breathing in, somewhat unsteadily, the Diamond leaned forward. "That's like saying you don't want to be a human, Steven. It's a part of you. A very, very big, important part of you. Even if you don't understand it… and even if you're not ready to even accept it, it's still a part of who you are. And maybe…" She paused, just for a second, "maybe it's your… unwillingness to accept that part of you that's causing your powers to spiral. Maybe it's all that negativity you hold deep down, for your mother and for yourself." She finally reached out, and Steven went still, looking down as her finger pressed lightly against his gem. He couldn't help but shudder at the contact. "Starshine… why do you hate yourself so much?"
"That's not…" Mouth going dry, Steven reached a shaking hand up and pushed her finger away, uncomfortable with her hand being so close to him. The image of his gem being pulled out was still fresh in his mind, as it so often was in her presence, and having her so close to him wasn't helping matters. A rush of heat flushed across his cheeks, gone as soon as it appeared. "I don't…" Unable to even feel angry at her words, at the suggestion, all he could do was stare.
"You call yourself a monster," White murmured, pulling her hand back. "For something you can't control, something you never even wanted. That's not very fair of you, though, is it? You're quick to forgive everyone else's mistakes. Even those who have wronged you. Even me." Her gaze flicked down to her hand, then back up to him, and Steven winced slightly despite himself, not knowing what to say. "You know the things I've done. The things Blue and Yellow and Spinel have done. But you still called us your family, still tried to help us. What makes you think you don't deserve the same kind of redemption? The same kindness? The fact that you're a Diamond?" She gestured to her own gem, and Steven's gaze lifted slightly, shaking harder. "The fact that you shattered a gem? That you're losing control now, lashing out, finally getting angry over everything you've been through, everyone that hurt you? You're angry at me, aren't you?"
Steven flinched again, taking a shaky breath in even as his throat restricted. "I…"
"But why hold yourself at fault for that?" White pressed. "It doesn't make you a monster. Hating me for what I did to you doesn't make you a monster, Steven, or even a Diamond, it makes you- it makes you," she raised her voice, drowning out the hybrid's protests as he opened his mouth, choking on his own words as he struggled to spit them out, to just beg her to stop speaking. "Human. It makes you human."
Steven went still, sucking in a breath and holding it. White continued, a little bit softer, but firm. "You're not just pushing down the gem part of you, Steven. You're bottling up everything that makes you human. Your emotions. Your anger, and your fear, and your hatred. You're pushing away everything that makes you who you are, and you truly expect to be stable after doing so? You're not just hurting others, you're hurting yourself. You're bitter, you're angry, and lashing out. And who can blame you? But it's not going to help you, Steven. It won't make you feel better."
"I don't want to feel better," Steven's voice broke, shaking harder now as tears brewed in his eyes again. His stomach twisted, more so with nausea than anger now, as he shook his head and swallowed past the lump in his throat, breathing in shakily as he struggled to continue, "I just want to be better. I'm supposed to be better. I'm supposed to…" Trailing off, he faltered once again, suddenly hit with a rush of nostalgia, and a heart-shattering realization. White, at least, didn't say anything - but a brief look of recognition flickered across her face, as well as something akin to sympathy, but a little more sorrowful. The Diamond shut her eyes, leaning back with a sigh, and Steven simply rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands again, a little more desperate in his attempt to clear away the tears that still refused to stop brewing.
After a long moment, just sitting in silence, the hybrid finally heaved himself to his feet. He had gotten… way more emotionally intense with the Diamond than he had ever intended to, and he found himself internally berating himself over it, despite his exhaustion. He hadn't come here to talk, to release all of this pent-up anger, to tell her exactly how much he hated her - which, that last part, he hadn't done. But he figured this was as good a time to stop talking as any, before he ended up saying something he wouldn't be able to take back. It wasn't anything she didn't already know, clearly enough, and her own self-awareness was surprising to an extent, but regardless, Steven still couldn't bring himself to want to stick around her any longer than necessary. If she wasn't going to stop him… then there was no reason for him to be there.
"I think I should go," he sighed, balancing himself carefully, and straightening up as he looked back up at White Diamond. She frowned down at him, eyes open once again, cautiously studying the hybrid's tired expression. It was almost funny, how he'd ended up venting to her the way he had, especially since she was the cause for quite a lot of his… anger as it was. At least, she was one of the biggest triggers for it. It was a twisted, cruel sense of irony - he'd have laughed if he wasn't so tired, in every sense of the word. "I… I shouldn't… be here anymore."
"But do you really want to go back?" White pressed gently, looking down at him.
Steven didn't respond immediately, another rush of heat flushing across his face. Like she knew him, what he wanted, and what he didn't. Like she knew anything about him. But the worst part of it all was that most of the things she said… actually weren't too far off. But maybe that was what really irked him, the faint, tingling sense in the far corner of his mind that reminded him that she had a fair point. And maybe that's what he hated the most out of this situation. Regardless, twisting his mouth, the hybrid stuffed his hands into his pockets and turned his head away, willing the pinkness away from his cheeks with the reminder of how tired he was. He didn't think he could deal with another outburst. "I don't have a choice, do I? I can't stay here."
"You're always welcome to stay here, Steven." White pushed herself up slowly, and the hybrid only blinked back at her, unsurprised and yet unable to help the faint stir of confusion that brewed in his chest. "I know it's not a… pleasurable place for you, but you are family, and you'll always have a home here as long as you want one. That's one thing that will never change."
God, he didn't know whether to be irritated or guilty or numb at this point. Maybe it was the overload of emotions making him numb, actually, the conflicted feelings that were raging inside of him, the aftermath of a hurricane, a tornado, as the clouds continued to roll, as the lightning continued to crackle, the rain continued to drizzle. It was still storming, just without such intensely raging winds, without the harsh effects and destruction, internal and external, that came with the worst of it. It hadn't passed, he was aware, but for the moment, it had faltered.
"There's always a room waiting for you, Starshine," White continued on, rubbing her hands together. Steven stepped back as her palms began to glow, pulsing with a bright, white light, as she turned and gently pressed a hand against one of the cracked pillars. Steven briefly considered assisting her, but he thought better of it after a moment. It was still somewhat satisfying to look around at the damage he'd caused, and he still couldn't bring himself to feel guilty. And, beyond that, he was too tired anyway - he could barely hold himself up at this point, so he didn't think he'd be able to go around fixing things right then. And, for once… he just didn't want to have to worry about doing so. So he just turned away, stumbling slightly as he headed for the door, just desperate and wanting to get the hell out of there and not look back.
Somehow, the walk back was slower than Steven remembered. Even stumbling and staggering and nearly tripping over his feet, the hybrid still made an effort to walk a little faster, occasionally reaching up to steady himself against a wall but refusing to break stride even so. He passed Spinel as he staggered through the throne room, his initial relief at being so close to the exit immediately overshadowed by despair when she hopped off of the stairs and rushed after him. "Steven! Hey, was White able to help you out?" The pink gem slowed beside him, concerned.
"No." The hybrid stared ahead, his stomach twisting slightly. The anxiety boosted his energy a little, thankfully enough - a kind of split-second reaction, a surge of adrenaline, accompanying the desperate need to just get out of there as soon as he could. He quickened his pace, still a little unsteady on his feet as he finally reached the exit and reached up to pull the door open. Spinel kept pace easily, and, when Steven proved unable to make the door budge even the slightest bit, stretched her arms up to open it for him; the hybrid huffed out a low sigh, slipping through carefully and finally risking a glance over his shoulder to watch as Spinel followed after him, the door swinging shut behind her as she offered him a sympathetic smile. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it," Spinel replied, flicking her gaze to the side and turning her head to look over her shoulder. Steven followed her gaze briefly before turning away again, looking down the… admittedly very long, very daunting-looking staircase. "Guess it didn't go too well in there, huh?"
"About as well as could be expected," Steven admitted, hissing out a sigh through his teeth and shuffling forward reluctantly to begin his descent down the stairs. He winced a little, feeling Spinel's arm wrap around his - and he half expected to be pulled back, but the pink gem merely stepped forward, keeping one arm tight around Steven's and reaching out to grip the rail with the other, helping him down one of the steps. He spared her a grateful, guilty glance, silent.
"You know, if you wanted to stay…"
"I know. White already gave me the speech." Steven pressed his lips together into a thin line, surprised to not feel another rush of heat on his face. He supposed he was just way too tired at this point to access his pink state, even as irritated as he was… which was a good thing, he tried to remind himself, but he couldn't help but be somewhat concerned. Had that one little outburst really worn him out so bad? Or maybe it was everything that had happened the past few days, the strain he'd put on himself finally catching up to him? Regardless, he reminded himself to be grateful, because at least this meant - for the time being - he couldn't hurt anyone. "She said I could stay as long as I want to, but…" He trailed off. "I don't think I should. I kinda… I kinda went off on her a little bit in there? And… yeah. I don't wanna hurt anyone, or…"
"Yeah, I get it, pal," Spinel assured him, frowning slightly as she helped him down a few more steps. "But, I mean… you do look pretty tired. Don't you human types need rest and whatnot?" Steven didn't answer, so the pink gem continued to press, "you came here for a reason."
"Yeah," Steven sighed, "but it doesn't matter. It didn't work out anyway."
Spinel didn't answer immediately, a slightly thoughtful look flitting across her face, and Steven took a moment to study the warp pad ahead of him. He was kind of surprised they hadn't followed him straight through the second he had warped away - unless the wall was still there? He wasn't sure if he could keep it up without being there, though, so he didn't think that was the case. Whatever it was, though, he wasn't looking forward to the conversation - interrogation? - that would surely follow, nor was he looking forward to having to deal with Jasper again, on the off chance she hadn't left the house yet. He didn't want to answer their questions, and he didn't want to risk snapping at them any further than he already had. He was just so… tired…
Ah, the pink flush- so he wasn't too tired for that, then. Steven frowned, raising a hand to rub his face again, and Spinel spared him another glance, eyebrows raising slightly. She stopped, and finally pulled Steven to a halt, as well, ignoring the teenager's mumbled protests. "Universe, be real with me for a second here. You don't wanna go back, do you?"
Steven peered up at her, whatever half-hearted defense he'd been about to spew dying on his lips before it even began. Staring down at him, Spinel looked more serious than Steven would have expected - he hadn't seen her frown that much since… since she was trying to kill him. Hell, at that moment, she almost looked somewhat challenging, as if daring him to object, and the hybrid could only stare back for a moment. Well, if she was gonna be like that about it… "No, I don't," he muttered, a faint note of irritation lacing his tone. "But it doesn't matter-"
"Would you stop saying it doesn't matter, Universe?" Spinel snapped, and Steven went rigid, but he didn't quite flinch, staring back at her. "It's bothering you, isn't it? So it obviously does matter. Listen-" She held up a hand, halting his protests once again. "Just, come back inside and rest."
Steven opened his mouth again to protest, but ended up faltering. His gaze flicked back toward the warp pad, mouth twisting slightly. Somehow, for some reason… dealing with Spinel and even the Diamonds seemed better than dealing with everything back home. At the very least, he could lock himself in his room - formerly his mother's, he reminded himself exasperatedly - and just not deal with anything at all. That… didn't sound like such a bad plan. He could just curl up and not think about anything, take a moment to relax and rest and… get some energy back. Something told him he was going to need it. Closing his eyes, the hybrid ducked his head and bit down on his lower lip again, his resolve cracking. "I just," his voice wavered, a little more than he would have liked, but he only shook his head at himself. "I wanna… go to my room…" The words felt weird on his tongue - wrong, in so many ways, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
"Well, alright then," Spinel's voice softened slightly, looping her arm around his a few more times and stretching it out slightly to wrap around him, squeezing his shoulder on the other side. "Let's go on and get'cha settled then, Universe. Ya certainly look like you could use some you time." She turned, leading him off without waiting for a response, but Steven didn't need to give one; after only a second of hesitation, he stumbled after her, finally giving up on trying to keep himself steady and sinking his weight sideways against her. He felt a little bad for doing so, but she didn't seem to mind - and she didn't seem to have any trouble holding him up, either, leading him down the long, familiar… cold hallways of the palace he'd lived in for two years.
He'd honestly almost fallen asleep by the time they arrived, gently prodded back into half-consciousness by Spinel as she pushed the doors open to lead him into the room. It was exactly how he had remembered it; the Pebbles had worked dutifully for so long to make it look like the beach house, and he could recall looking around at the furniture they had built, growing homesick with each passing second. He felt nothing, nothing but exhaustion and guilt now, as he took a good, long look around, finally pulling away from Spinel with a soft, shaky sigh. A few of the Pebbles popped out of their holes, gasping and squealing at the sight of him, and he looked down as a few of them scuttled over to him, tugging on his pants. He winced a little, cheeks flushing pink, but allowed them to lead him over to the bed they had made for him.
"Heh," Spinel giggled slightly from behind him as the Pebbles pushed him into the bed, a few of them jumping up to pull the blankets up over him. Steven simply let his head fall back, toeing his shoes off and reluctantly letting one of the Pebbles assist him when he proved somewhat incapable of doing so on his own in his exhausted state. One of them climbed up onto his shoulder, tugging on his jacket, and he let out a groan but pushed himself to sit up so that he could oblige, shrugging it off with a sigh. "Looks like they're worried for ya, too."
Steven didn't answer, folding his jacket and simply letting it drop back down beside the bed before sinking back into it once more. The Pebbles continued to fuss around the bed for a moment, clambering onto his chest to adjust the blanket over him once more, before finally scuttling off and disappearing into the walls once again. Spinel headed over to him then, clasping her hands together behind her back and offering him a sweet little smile.
"You don't need anything else, d'ya?" The pink gem moved over to the window, stretching up to close the curtains. "Like a song, a bedtime story? I've gotten pretty good at tellin' stories."
"No," Steven muttered, staring up at her. God, he felt so bad. So tired, so guilty, so… negative. Exhaling through his teeth, the hybrid fixed his gaze on the ceiling, blinking up at it for a moment. "... no, I'm okay. Thanks." After a moment of hesitation, he added somewhat quieter, "I just need… I just need to be left alone for a bit. Just to… to rest and think and…" He winced, half-expecting some form of disagreement or protest, to have to defend himself and justify his reasons for just needing a while to himself, but Spinel only let out a slight hum of agreement and raised her hands, backing away and shooting him a comforting smile in response.
"Yeah, no, I got'cha. Just makin' sure. You get some rest, then, okay? I'll check up on ya in a bit. Later, Universe." She raised a hand, saluting him with somewhat of a 'peace out' motion, before turning and bouncing back to the door. Steven opened his mouth, but said nothing, blinking after her as he watched her disappear, as the door swung shut behind her- and she was gone. No fight, no objections. Steven, somehow, almost felt guiltier just because of that - just because he expected something like that, because it's… what the gems would do. Thinking on it further, he definitely didn't regret his decision to stay, though. At least they had the sense to leave him alone - Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl would pester him to no end for answers, and Jasper… heaving out another sigh, the hybrid screwed his eyes shut and rolled his shoulders back, attempting to ease some of the tension that had built inside of him.
After a moment, he pulled the blanket up over him completely and rolled over, curling up and finally letting the exhaustion catch up to him, pulling him under into the dizzying darkness.
It was more than welcome at this point.