With a smile on his face, Steven watched the spiked, glowing pink wall smash straight into where he had Jasper completely trapped, struggling against his attack, panic in her eyes. Success and satisfaction coursed through him, watching her pupils shrink just before it hit; the student had surpassed the teacher, and his victory hit him the moment her form destabilized, the walls and spikes exploding along with her and sending up a cloud of dust, gem cracking, splitting, falling. She had pushed him, and he had won. He was sure he had finally gained her respect, her admiration! Finally, someone he could just be himself around. He didn't have to hold back anymore, or be scared of hurting her, because that was what she wanted him to do!

With an almost childlike excitement, Steven touched down a few feet away from where Jasper had been, surveying the damage with wide eyes. He couldn't help but snort out a giggle, seeing the crater he had created with his attack as the smoke and dust finally cleared away. He really had gone all out - all on his own, all on purpose. No Crystal Gems to hold him back, to tell him that he was dangerous. No more of Pearl's worrying, no 'these pink outbursts are getting out of hand!' No more of Garnet's 'you're better than this. Don't let this power control you.' No more of Amethyst's 'you gotta tell us what's going on!' Because he didn't have to justify or explain himself to anybody anymore. Jasper didn't want an explanation; she wanted a fight, and Steven was more than happy to oblige, to lash out and explode and let all of this anger out without a care in the world. He wanted to take it all out on her, she wanted him to take it all out on her.

And it wasn't wrong. It couldn't be wrong. It felt so right- it felt so good.

This was what he'd needed all along. Beaming, Steven headed forward, cracking his knuckles and preparing himself for when Jasper would reform. He had won this time, and he couldn't wait to hear her sing her praises - as much as she would, at least, coming from Jasper - for her to say 'now that's more like it, Steven! No holding back, no hesitation!' To see the pride and excitement in her eyes, to be challenged again, because he needed that. He loved it. He loved being challenged and pushed to his limit, and she seemed to know exactly what buttons to press to make him react the way she wanted him to. To get him steaming, and raging, and mad.

"Hey, Jasper, are you coming back now, or what?" Steven laughed, reaching the edge of the crater. "Come on, I thought you could 'handle' it! Gone and got poofed…" He tsked. After a moment, the hybrid jumped down into the hole, letting himself float down and glancing along the bottom, eyebrows raising slightly. "Come on, Jasper, you can't hide in your gem forever, now. What, you're not scared to fight me again now, are you?" He chuckled at the thought, rolling his eyes and moving his shoulders back as he reached the bottom of the crater, and paused. An orange glitter caught his attention, out of the corner of his eye, and he turned to look at once. "There you are…"

His head tilted, smile unwavering, as he stared at the gem for a moment. It looked… smaller. Much smaller. Her gem was usually bigger than that. Taking a few more steps forward, Steven caught a glimpse of another glimmer, and then another, just a few inches apart from the last. His gaze flicked over each of them, not quite processing it yet, only managing to huff out a laugh.

"... Nah, that's not right. I'm not buying it," he declared, kneeling down and turning his attention to the biggest shard. "You said you could handle it. Thought you were strong? Get your ass back here and fight me, Jasper. Seriously. This isn't funny anymore…" Even so, he continued to laugh, not really knowing why anymore, as he reached out to grab one of the shards. His hand shook slightly, picking up one of the smaller pieces and dropping it into his palm, and then reaching out to grab another, which had stuck itself in the dirt. "Come on… I'm not joking…" He mumbled, mostly to himself now, as another, slightly hysterical laugh broke through his lips.

He had seen it happen. He had seen her shatter on impact. Watched the cracks in her gem form, watched them fall apart from each other. It still hadn't quite hit him yet what had happened, still hadn't quite dawned on him, and the only thing he could do was keep laughing. Because it was crazy, right? He couldn't have actually shattered Jasper. There was just no way. Hell, it was Jasper! She was way too stubborn to die! The hybrid let out a snort as he finally picked up the last piece, looking down at the shards in his hand and sitting back on his knees. Yeah, there was no way… no way that had actually happened… he couldn't be seeing right. She was going to reform any second now, demand another rematch and fight for her honor. He'd oblige, of course, happy to kick her ass a million times over again. He didn't think he'd ever felt so great, so strong, so in control. And he wanted to feel like that again. So, he would wait.

And he waited.

… and waited.

Truthfully, he wasn't sure how long he just sat there on his knees, grinning ear to ear as he looked down at the shards in his hands, waiting patiently. It was only when a drop of water hit the top of his head, did he dare to look up, eyebrows raising slightly in surprise. It was even darker than before, he realized, as dark clouds rolled across the sky. A rumble of thunder and a crack of lightning made him flinch, just for a second, as the smile finally faltered. It was storming. The sky had just been clear, hadn't it? Everything had just been fine. Looking back down at Jasper, he paused again, blinking, as the smile finally wavered and vanished.

"... Jasper…?"

A few more droplets fell from the sky, one of them falling straight into his hand. As soon as it made contact, the pinkness steadily began to fade; he gripped the ground beneath him with his free hand as he felt himself shrink, ever so slightly, the other hand shaking a little harder now as he continued to stare down at the shards. Shards. Those were shards. Jasper's shards. When had he even had Jasper's shards? She was just fine, just a minute ago. She couldn't be like this - and yet she was, she was broken and cracked and in pieces in the palm of his hand. This was all wrong, though. That wasn't supposed to happen. He had meant to poof her, at least - hell, even cracking her would have been fine, because he could've just gone ahead and healed that and then they would've gone back to fighting and everything would've been perfectly okay…

Wait! Of course! Healing! That's what he had forgotten!

He shifted the shards with his thumb, no longer laughing, but too numb to completely grasp the reality of the situation, as he pieced them together to the best of his ability. Then, raising his hand, he pressed a kiss to the shards and leaned back again, looking down expectantly. But nothing happened; the shards simply lay there, dull and broken as ever, and another rather violent tremble from his hand caused the pieces to fall apart again. He felt his throat close up before anything, like someone had wrapped their hand around his neck and was squeezing for everything they were worth. The pressure on his chest came next, crushing him from both the inside and the outside, as the numbness and mild confusion finally gave way to horror.

Steven's pupils shrunk. On cue, the rain finally started to pour, but he couldn't force himself to move just yet. Just stayed frozen, trembling, staring down at the shards - Jasper's shards - as the realization finally kicked in. She wasn't reforming. She couldn't reform. She was dead.

He had killed her.

"... Jasper?!"

Steven awoke with a gasp, sitting up straight and clutching his chest. He shook, every part of him, as he doubled over in the bed, gulping in as much air as he could. Tears welled up in his eyes, like a million tiny needles were being jabbed into his eyeballs from the inside, and a tight sob rose in his chest; swallowing down the building pressure as much as possible, he curled himself up a little more, ducking his head and bringing his arms up over himself, fingernails digging into the back of his neck. He couldn't escape it, even in his dreams - not that it was a surprise to him, but he just wished for once he could get some kind of break. It was stupid, it was selfish and he knew that but just for the time being, he needed everything to just stop. At this point, it was just suffocating him now - if he went on like this, he might just end up drowning himself in his own guilt. He could already feel it happening anyway, so close to pulling him under. And, hell, a part of him was even ready to just give in and accept it- what else could he do? Defend himself to him? He might just be the only one who knows how fucked up he is.

Something pressed against his leg - a gentle pressure that made him flinch, reeling back sharply as his head snapped up to look. He didn't know whether to be relieved or not to see it was just one of the Pebbles, clambering up onto his lap and looking up at him with wide-eyed concern; a few other ones scrambled up onto the bed, peering up at him from behind the rumpled blanket, while the one on his lap - it was Chesto, he recognized after a moment - scuttled closer to him and rested a tiny hand against his elbow, letting out a soft, concerned squeak of, "Steven okay?" Looking down at her, Steven had to blink a few times to clear away another rush of tears, shaking his head slightly and biting back another choked sob.

"You're back home!" Nosey clambered up onto his lap along with Chesto, and Steven hesitantly lowered his hand down to them. He surprised even himself with his lack of protest to the statement, biting the inside of his cheek and managing a shaky, weary smile back at them in response. He wasn't sure what to say to them now, how to tell them he didn't intend on staying forever, how to tell them he really did have to go back eventually… even if he didn't want to yet. Hell, he didn't know if he ever would want to, but he knew at the moment, he definitely didn't. But it was… it was whatever. He wasn't going to try and explain something to them that he didn't even quite understand himself. "Why are you sad?" Nosey pressed, tugging on his finger.

Steven didn't say anything at first, lifting his hand up and watching Nosey dangle from it. The little Pebble squealed out a giggle, climbing onto his hand completely, while Steven just stared. Sad. Sad, confused, angry, scared, guilty. All of the emotions swirling inside of him, every single one digging themselves into the already-loose cracks of his mind, breaking down every single barrier and carefully built wall he'd put up to keep them contained for god knows how long. He didn't know how to tell them why, how to look these innocent little creatures in the eyes and tell them what he'd done, what he was and how fucked up he'd been for so, so long now.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, Steven put Nosey back down on the bed, scooping Chesto up off of his lap and putting her down as well before turning away, letting his legs swing over the side of the bed. "I'm okay," he muttered numbly, hating how easily the words came even when he knew for a fact that it wasn't the truth - but it didn't matter either way, not anymore. Not that it ever… not that it ever had, not really, but now… "I just need… I need some space, okay? Just… just a little time to…" He trailed off, rubbing a hand down his face as he realized they probably weren't going to leave him alone - they had less of a concept of personal space than the gems did. And, god, he wasn't looking forward to their prodding and their questions either, as adorable as they were, because he knew at this point it was just going to set him off again. And he didn't need another thing to feel guilty over, after everything he had already done in the first place.

Wringing his hands together, he glanced back, and blinked. The Pebbles were already climbing down off of the bed, hopping off and skipping across the floor to get back to their holes. Chesto and Nosey turned to look back at him, and smiled and waved, but disappeared back into the walls all the same, the soft, squeaky voices fading as the walls closed up behind them. They had actually left him alone. Steven exhaled, relieved despite the slightly achy feeling that pressed against his chest, longing mixed with despair. He wanted to be alone.

So why did it still feel so damn bad?

Pull it together, he hissed at himself, vicious and cold in a way he was far too used to being toward himself at this point, as he put his head in his hands and dug his elbows into his knees. He pressed down as hard as he could, tangling his fingers into his hair and digging his nails into his skull. He did so until it began to hurt, aching and pounding with the pressure he was providing. Until his fingernails cut skin, blood welling up under his fingertips, sinking into skin.

And the pain, oh, the pain.

For just a moment, he drowned in it; his head practically roared in protest as he squeezed his hands against his skull, pressing as hard as he was capable of. A rush of heat flushed through his fingers, through his hands, up his wrist - but it didn't go any further than his elbow, and even with his eyes shut, he could recognize the faint tint of pink that had coated his hands. The pain intensified, and he had to bite down hard on his tongue - drawing blood in the process - to keep back a cry when he felt something crack, directly down the center of his skull; the sound made him freeze, as well as the split-second rush of pure agony, and then it was over. The teenager gasped, fighting to suck air into his lungs again as he lifted his head, letting his hands fall back into his lap and staring down at them with wide eyes. They continued to pulse, glowing pink, fingers stained with the blood he had drawn from his scalp. His head still ached slightly, but it was practically nothing now compared to the horrible, excruciating pain he'd just been in.

And it was pretty much nonexistent compared to the emotions that had been raging inside of him just moments before, which had been effectively stifled and locked away once again, pushed back down in favor of focusing on the physical pain. Sucking in another gasp in an attempt to make his chest and lungs stop aching, Steven shook his head, almost disbelieving. He'd just cracked his skull and healed his skull in the same second, and he had managed to distract himself from a slight panic attack with the physical pain in the process.

Wonder if that's how Jasper felt when she was shattered, his mind hissed at him, his own voice screaming the words with enough force to make his head throb again. Just a split second of complete, excruciating, agonizing pain before it's over in a flash. Has you just aching for the numbness again, yet it's so abrupt that you end up missing the feeling, don't you? The only thing is, Jasper couldn't heal herself. When it went numb for her, it's because she was dead.

Steven stared down at his hands, pupils shrinking slightly. They were still shaking, but not as constant as it had been before; now it was just brief, little bursts of tremors, more like shudders, really; clenching his hands into fists in an attempt to stop them from trembling, the hybrid breathed in again, trying to calm himself down. In and out, slow and steady - begrudgingly, he found himself taking Garnet's advice from earlier, quietly chanting to himself as the pinkness faded from his fingertips, wringing his hands together briefly before settling them into the position she had taught him and Connie so long ago. Take a moment to think of just… flexibility, love and trust… take a moment to think of just… flexibility, love and trust…

But you know you deserve it more than she did, his mind continued to pester, and Steven's slow, controlled - or at least, an attempt at controlled - breathing faltered and hitched to a stop, eyes widening slightly as he gazed down at his hands, which simply continued to tremble. All of that pain. You deserve to feel it, what she did in the moments before she died. The moments before she fell apart because of you, because you killed her. And that's why you're hurting yourself, isn't it? Because you know you deserve it. Because you know you're bad.

"I- I don't-" Steven's whispered, choked protests cut off before he could even really begin, feeling the familiar rush of heat flush across his cheeks. "No… no, bad thoughts. Really, really bad thoughts. O- Okay- okay, it- it's alright. T- Take a- take- take a moment to- to…" He swallowed hard, lowering one hand to grip the bed when a sudden rush of dizziness threatened to tip him over. He couldn't breathe again, but this time it wasn't accompanied by the pressure against his chest. This time it came from deep, deep within; he could breathe, gasping in gulps of air and leaning back slightly as he struggled to breathe in deep, but it never reached where it needed to go, never quite feeling like it was filling his lungs up the right way. And struggling for it only served to make it worse. He knew what it was, he wasn't stupid, he'd panicked before-

But, god, this was bad. This was really, really bad. He'd never had thoughts like this before, either. Sure, he… he didn't like himself, but he'd never thought of hurting himself like this. Earlier it had been more of a calming mechanism than anything, a way to ground himself. The thought of hurting himself just… just for the sake of causing himself pain, it… it was…

Far-fetched? His mind supplied, somewhat dubious. But I do deserve it, don't I? I hurt Jasper. All because of something stupid! All because I couldn't stop myself even when I knew I should've stopped! All because I just wanted to be the one in control for once, just because I wanted to be the one causing all of the pain! I do deserve it. I deserve to hurt just as bad as she did, if not more. Hell, after this, maybe I even deserve to be shattered on the spot!

He flinched at the thought, finally turning completely pink as the thought caught up to him. He wouldn't deny, though - that wasn't a thought he was unfamiliar with. But it had never been accompanied by thoughts of hurting himself - when the thought came, it was usually split-second, fleeting, gone in an instant before he could think on it further. But this time it lasted, with images of watching cracks spread, slow and deliberate, feeling it rip him into pieces. With thoughts of pain, excruciating, agonizing, unbelievable. And it should have scared him even further, it should've made him turn away from the thoughts almost immediately. But it did just the opposite; his stomach twisted, not with nausea, but with longing.

I don't just deserve to hurt like she did. Steven sucked in a gasp, shaking. I want to.

He put a hand over his stomach and just tried to remember how to breathe again. The thoughts shocked him far too much for him to even begin defending himself from them, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. It was dangerous, it was dark and… if left unchecked it could be bad but at the same time, a part of him wanted to do it more than ever. He wanted to be in control, cause pain for once? Fine, he could be in control of his own damn pain. Pain he deserved to drown in, wanted to drown in. The hybrid tightened his grip, fingers digging into his shirt. He felt sick, but at this point, it had less to do with his newfound revelation, and more to do with guilt. Guilt that only served to remind him of what, exactly, he deserved all this pain for. He was already torturing himself emotionally for what he'd done - why not take the extra step? Hell, why not just fucking jump off of the fucking edge and keep torturing himself, in every way he could?

Steven stared down for a moment, rubbing his thumb over his shirt. He pressed down a little, feeling the gem through the fabric. The gem he didn't ask for, the gem he didn't want. He still remembered trailing Garnet, and Amethyst, and Pearl around all the time, begging to go on missions, insisting that he was a Crystal Gem, too. Eager to learn how to use his powers, happy to do whatever was asked of him if it just meant he could do something useful for once, if it just meant he wouldn't be left alone in the cold, dark, empty house all alone. Sure, he could go see Sadie and Lars at the Big Donut. He could go see his father. He could go around Beach City and be a kid, but all he had wanted back then was to be one of them. To be treated like one of them. To be more than just a burden that had been placed on their shoulders.

To be more than the kid they just had to look after until he learned how to use the powers he had, so that he could finally contribute to something. Otherwise, they'd wanted nothing to do with him. At least, that's how it had felt back then. Another pulse of heat rushed through him, the pink glow brightening for a second as he pressed down a little harder, keeping his thumb directly over the center of his gem. They'd never wanted him around just to spend time with him, did they? From what he remembered, he had to beg and pester them to stay around most of the time. And half the time, it didn't even work; they still left him all alone. To go save the world, he knew… and he'd always felt selfish for wanting more than they gave him, but now…

He clenched his fist around his gem, then pulled back sharply with a gasp. Not because it had hurt, but because the sensation - the feeling of something gripping his gem like that, it only caused his mind to flip right back to White Diamond, the feeling of his gem slowly being pulled from his stomach as he struggled against her hold, powerless to do anything to stop her. The pain that had followed, the agony, just before the world had gone completely dark around him. Unconsciousness had been more than welcome after that, and he'd let himself slip away with little hesitation. Staring down at his own hand now, glowing pink, he had to force himself to focus on the present, willing away thoughts of long, black nails, sharp as knives. The memory of feeling them dig into the edges of his gem, surprised it hadn't cracked at the pressure. He blinked back a rush of tears, lower lip trembling for a moment, before bringing his arm up and rubbing it across his face sharply. For the time being, it was enough to turn him off of messing with his gem, but he wasn't sure how long that sentiment was going to last right then.

I really am pitiful, he scoffed as he leaned down, clenching a shaking hand around his jacket to pick it up off of the floor. I can't even give myself what I deserve, but I can shatter an innocent gem. If that isn't the most pathetic thing… Steven breathed in again, slow and unsteady, and pushed himself to his feet, unfolding his jacket and slipping it on. But I can do it… I will do it.

Sticking his thumb into his mouth, he reached up to press it to the top of his head and heal the small cuts his nails had made - only to pause, looking up at his hand and tilting his head back a little. There was no point in doing that, was there? It wasn't like it even hurt that bad anyway. Twisting his mouth slightly, Steven dropped his hand again, wiping it on his jacket and turning away to head toward the door. He hesitated slightly, walking forward slowly. What would he even do? It wasn't like he could just go back to the gems now. Or… or maybe he could. Maybe he should, but… but what was the point? Even if they wanted him there, he didn't want to be there and he wasn't going to deny that. But he didn't want to be here, either. Stuck on Homeworld with the Diamonds and Spinel and… just surrounded by constant reminders of the things he had endured during his time there. The hybrid hesitated near the door, shifting side to side on his feet and glancing back at the room. The Pebbles were gone, hidden deep in their wall tunnels, leaving the room empty and hollow. Steven pressed his lips into a thin line, bringing one hand up to rub his arm as he let his gaze flick around. He had the room to himself. His mother's old room, now his own. Yet another reminder - the reminder of the last person he wanted to think about right then. Somehow, it was even harder to be here than before.

Like I'm any better than she was, he reminded himself.

Steven let his shoulders sag, blinking back the tears brewing in his eyes, and shook his head furiously at himself. He didn't want to stay in here any more than he wanted to be out there. God, he didn't want to be anywhere, did he? Not Homeworld, not Earth. He didn't want to be alone, but he didn't want to be near anybody else either. He wanted to stop running, but he also just wanted to get away. But there was nowhere to go, nobody to turn to, nothing to do. The only person he was running from was himself, and it wasn't like he could escape that. Wherever he went, he'd be there, constantly, unsatisfied, and painfully unwanted wherever he went. Unwanted by him and only him, because between himself, the gems, Jasper, the Diamonds, and Spinel, the only one who didn't want him around was… himself. Wasn't that just… sad?

He didn't think he'd ever felt this lost. Turning away, and noting numbly that the pinkness had faded, Steven continued forward and pushed the door open, stepping out and letting it slide shut behind him. Running his fingers through his hair, he sank back against it, just for a moment, and lifted his gaze to the ceiling. He needed to figure out what he was gonna do now. He'd stayed as requested, and he wasn't sure how long it had been, but he'd gotten a nap in and everything, but he certainly hadn't been planning on just sticking around forever. He couldn't do that.

"Steven, good! You're awake!"

The hybrid winced, cheeks flushing pink, and silently cursed himself for leaving the room - and then feeling horrible about it - as he turned to look. Spinel approached with a smile, the same concerned one that had been etched across her face earlier, and Steven bit his tongue to keep back a hiss of irritation. He didn't deserve that concern, and he reminded himself of that as bitterly as ever as Spinel reached him, crossing her arms over her chest and looking up at him expectantly. "I was jus' about to come and check on ya, Universe. You've been sleepin' for a while. Yellow says it's been about a full Earth day, somethin' like that…"

Yellow. Great, the other Diamonds knew he was here. Steven brushed off the comment about it being a full Earth day, not caring either way how long it had been - it had been long enough. "Oh," was all he mumbled, taking a deep breath. "So Yellow and Blue, uh… know I'm…"

"Yeah… White filled 'em in." Spinel finally paused, and her smile wavered, just for a second. Steven looked away for a moment, trying not to feel satisfied. On one hand, the concerned looks and pitying smiles were getting on his nerves, but on the other, he pretty much felt like he was bringing the room down wherever the hell he went - which wasn't helping his case at all, wasn't helping him stifle the ever-brewing self-loathing that was twisting his stomach apart. Not that he was trying too hard to do that in any case, but it was only making it stronger, and it was definitely making those thoughts of his press a little harder, too. "They're all pretty worried. But, um… there's another thing…" Steven turned his attention back to the pink gem as she hesitated, her gaze no longer meeting his and instead bouncing anxiously around the hall.

Steven stared at her for a moment, his mind going blank even as his heart sank straight down to his stomach. Because he knew, her hesitance, her uncertainty, he knew exactly what had happened. And it didn't really surprise him, especially if it had been as long as Yellow thought, but it didn't make the situation any better, and he couldn't keep himself from turning pink on time - nor could he stop the groan that broke through his lips. "They're here, aren't they…?"

Spinel offered him a slightly guilty look, rushing to explain. "They kinda got here a little while after you went down. White tried to persuade 'em to leave, but you know how they are…" Rubbing the back of her neck, the pink gem let out a tiny giggle, but when Steven made it clear that he found nothing humorous about the situation, she continued awkwardly, "but when we told 'em you were restin', they just decided to stick around 'til you woke up. They're really worried too. But if you don't wanna see 'em, I can go and tell 'em you're not ready to-" She cut off as Steven simply turned around, heading back to the room and pushing the door open to walk back inside. After a few seconds of silence, he heard it open again as she followed, but he didn't say anything, simply put his head in his hands. "... yeah… so… not ready, huh? I get it."

"I-" Steven huffed, breath hitching slightly as he pressed his fingers against his skull, feeling his arms trembling as he curled in on himself. "I don't even- know what to say to them. They- they know what I did- they know that I- I killed somebody and it's only getting worse…" Steven screwed his eyes shut, squeezing a little tighter, feeling the same building pressure in his head that he had earlier. But his focus was more or less on the gems, and what the hell he was going to say to them at this point, because he had no idea. He hadn't been prepared for this. To have to talk to them now, to have to talk to them here, of all the places. And he didn't even know if Jasper was with them or not, which would probably make his ultimate undoing come much faster. "Why are they even here?" He hissed. "Why won't they leave me alone?!"

The ground cracked under his feet, and Steven wavered, just for a second, before regaining his balance. He wanted to scream again, feeling the pressure continuing to build in his chest, fighting with the pressure surrounding his aching skull. Physical against emotional.

"Nobody deserves to be alone…" Spinel's voice was soft, concerned.

Steven didn't turn to look at her, sucking in a sharp breath and letting out a low, guttural growl - a dangerously inhuman sound that bordered on animalistic - as he turned his head slightly to the side, continuing to squeeze it between both of his trembling hands as he sneered, "that's easy for you to say, isn't it?" Even though he wasn't particularly looking at her, he still saw her recoil out of the corner of his eye, and swallowed down a rush of guilt as he forced himself to continue on bitterly, "you didn't deserve what my Mom did to you. You did everything that was asked of you - what you were made for. But I- oh, I-" He choked out a laugh. "I failed. I failed."

"No you didn't," Spinel insisted, stepping forward again, and Steven couldn't help but roll his eyes in response, digging his fingers further into his hair. "You didn't fail, Steven, you- you… you made a mistake, okay? Everybody makes mistakes! I make mistakes, the gems, your Mom-"

Steven curled his lips back at that. "At least my Mom never shattered anybody!"

The responding silence only lasted for a few seconds. Spinel's hands curled into fists, her voice sharp, yet trembling, when she spoke again. "No. No, she didn't. But you know what? She made a lot of gems wish she had. Including me," the pink gem's voice cracked on the last word, and Steven went still, pupils shrinking slightly, as he turned his head completely to look back at her. "Do you know how much I still think of her? I can't stop. I can't just go and forget what happened and pretend she never existed because she did and everything she did made me wish I didn't. Still does sometimes." She fell silent, shoulders tense as her gaze darted back to the floor, tears flooding her eyes that didn't spill over. And suddenly Steven was somewhere else, staring back at a different face, in a different setting, a different time, a younger body, another mindset.

"You should've shattered me back then… At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you," a familiar voice hissed in his ears, and he froze.

Steven slowly lowered his hands from his head, the pinkness receding to his cheeks again. He breathed in, somewhat shakily, as he fought to steady himself again, rid himself of the memory that was far too vivid now for his liking. He shook his head, blinking rapidly to clear his eyes of the tears that had forced their way up. "But you… you're okay. I- I mean- not- not okay-" He corrected himself quickly, watching her eyebrows raise. "But you're getting there, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," Spinel muttered, wrapping her arms around herself as she looked up. "I'm still working on it, Steven, but it's hard. Some days it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere at all. Because- because it still hurts and I still think about her and I'm still angry. I never stopped. It never stopped hurting." Her voice lowered slightly. "Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on from it. Like I'm not strong enough to, or like I'm not good enough to. I can't stop being mad, I can't stop… thinking about hurting people sometimes, even. It gets better, it gets worse… but it never really stops. But- but this isn't about me," she added quickly, holding her hands up. "I know how I'm feeling. And I'm working on it, I am. But this is about you. You're not okay."

Steven cringed slightly, as if he'd been struck - hell, it almost felt like he had been, but he would've preferred a physical blow over the amount of emotional pain those simple three words had caused him. Curling his hands into fists, he turned to face her as the pinkness engulfed him again, trembling as he took several steps back as if distancing himself from her could end the conversation entirely. "I'm fine," he snapped, feeling the warmth of the pinkness spread once again. His hands clenched further in response, nails raking against the glowing skin. "Who are you to tell me if I'm okay anyway? You have no idea how I feel!" Another crack formed underneath his feet, and Spinel's pupils shrunk slightly - not because of the cracks, but because of his words, evidently, because she took a few steps closer to him as she responded.

"You think I don't recognize what you're going through, Universe?! I've been there!"

"That's not what I meant!" Steven raised his voice, unclenching one hand reluctantly to jab a finger in her direction without quite touching her, luckily too far to come into contact with her. "You, and the gems and my dad and the Diamonds, all you wanna do is tell me how I feel! But none of you have any idea what it really is! To the gems, I'm just having these little outbursts, temper tantrums, like I'm just some- some stupid kid! And to my dad, oh-" Huffing out a laugh, Steven retreated, turning away from Spinel and running his fingers through his hair. "To my dad, I'm just having an identity crisis. You know, the usual! I gotta go out and find myself, like it's gonna be so easy to do just by listening to some outdated song he ripped our name off of. Oh, and the Diamonds? Well, I'm just one of them, just having trouble with my powers, is all, and of course it's not a big deal because, well, we've all been through it, haven't we?" Glaring down at his hands, the hybrid continued to tremble, breathing in shakily as he shook his head.

"Well, you're not exactly talking to anybody," Spinel insisted. "All they can do is play the guessing game when you don't just tell them what's going on with you! Steven, I get it. I can see it in your eyes, in- in your behavior! I know what it is because I felt it all the time…" She groaned, taking a few steps closer to him. "I still do! You're angry, you're sad, you wanna hurt people even when you know they don't really deserve it, but you still wanna cause some pain because it helps relieve some of your own every so often. Then you feel like shit for it, and it only makes you angrier and you keep lashing out and it's just an endless cycle of misery."

Steven just ran his fingers through his hair again, a little harsher than last time. "Stop…"

"It feels good to lash out, doesn't it?" Spinel questioned him, pausing a little closer behind him now. "I know it does. I traveled all the way across the galaxy just to take my anger out on someone I didn't even know, even when the target of all that anger was long gone. And I knew she was, y'know? I understood that part. She was gone forever, and it was just you, Steven Universe, no more Pink Diamond. Just her son and her new friends." A moment of silence passed, and Spinel heaved out a soft, somewhat silent sigh. "But I still came here to hurt you. Not 'cause I blamed you, not 'cause it was your fault she was gone, but because I just wanted to. It just hurt so bad that I wanted someone else to feel half the pain I was feeling. Misery loves company, you know?" The pink gem let out a quiet, rueful laugh. "But Steven, we can fix this."

"It's not broken," Steven snarled, whirling on her again. Spinel didn't move back, but she did flinch, seemingly reflexively, as the hybrid stepped forward and leaned in a little closer. "Don't you get it?! It's not broken! I'm broken! And you can't fix me, Spinel! I can't fix me! And I'm supposed to be the only one who can! The only one who can take all of my Mom's broken little pieces and put them back together again because that's the only reason I exist, to fix her mistakes! And I can't even fix the biggest one of all, because-" He cut off, choking on his own words, and he watched Spinel's eyes widen in horror as his words registered to both of them. Swallowing down a scream of frustration, the hybrid reeled back again and stumbled a few steps away from her, pressing a hand against his face and shaking his head furiously.

"You think-" Spinel stared at him for a moment. "You- you are not one of her mistakes."

"Aren't I?" Steven whispered harshly, not even having the energy to yell at her again in that moment. He shook his head again, breathing in shakily. "I'm just… god, look at me. I'm supposed to be the healer, the leader, the perfect little angel Steven freaking Universe. I help people, I don't… hurt them. And look." He looked up at her, spreading his arms out slightly before allowing them to collapse back to his sides. "I can't even do that anymore. There's nothing left to fix but me, and I don't even know where to start. I don't even want to now, really. After everything that happened, I don't even care… I'm just tired." He closed his eyes for a moment. "I am just… so tired. And it's over, and it's done and everybody else had moved on and they were happy and I went and ruined it, and I can't fix it this time and I don't even wanna try. 'Cause I figured it out- the whole happily-ever-after thing was never meant for me. It was always meant for them and I was just the one who was supposed to make it happen. And I did that. So there was no other reason for me to even exist, and now everything's spiraled because of it."

Spinel flinched at that, stepping a little closer to him now. A look of panicked desperation had replaced the concern and frustration that had been written there moments before, and he found himself backing away from her as she approached, curling his lips back warningly in response. "Steven… you shouldn't be thinking like that. It's not your job to fix everything-"

"Oh, shut up!" Steven finally let out a scream, and the pink gem finally jumped back as the ground cracked even further, this time spreading toward her. "Don't you give me that shit! It's always been my job! It's been my job since day fucking one! I'm the one that's always had to be there for the gems! Mom left them broken, just like she left you, and my dad, and the Diamonds and everybody else she hurt along the way! And whether it was her intention or not, she still left me to pick up the pieces! I've had that on my shoulders since the moment she decided she could just abandon everything and everybody because she wanted to play human! But I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask to exist in the first place, and to be honest, I'd rather I didn't!"

Spinel went still, staring back at him. She didn't even look genuinely shocked at this point; her expression was more sorrowful than anything, like a grieving kind of surprise. When she did speak, her voice trembled, ever so slightly, wracked with pain. "Well, that's another person-"

"Steven…"

The hybrid froze, pupils shrinking slightly as he stared at Spinel. The pink gem almost seemed to stiffen as well, turning her head to look behind her, but it took Steven a good thirty seconds to finally manage to lift his own gaze toward the doorway, even with every instinct screaming at him not to. His gaze met Pearl's first, her own eyes filled with such an indescribable agony that he had to rip his gaze away completely for a few seconds to recover before he looked back at them all again, looking toward Amethyst and Garnet hesitantly. The fusion lifted a hand, removing her visor, all three eyes wide and filled with tears, and Amethyst seemed to be in shock more than anything, but if the trembling of her lower lip was any indication, she was close to tears herself. Steven reeled back, and sucked in a breath that didn't come back out.

He didn't know how much they'd heard, but it didn't matter, because it would still be way more than he would have liked.