Stunned silence.

The tension in the room was palpable, at best. Suffocating, really - which is why Steven found himself practically gasping, fighting to gulp in as much air as possible as he stared at the gems. They just looked back at him, just staring, even as the tears in Garnet's eyes finally spilled over, and Amethyst slowly followed suit. Pearl, of course, was already a wreck - but he was somewhat surprised to see her putting more effort than any of them into controlling herself, fists clenched at her sides as she blinked furiously to clear away the tears. Spinel, on the other hand, was the only one who didn't seem to be freaking out in some way about the situation, simply letting out a slow sigh and backing away from him as she shook her head. "Well… I should…" The pink gem cleared her throat, and Steven, glad for the distraction, ripped his gaze away from the gems to stare back at her somewhat numbly. "I should probably be headin' out now."

If Steven had been a little younger, if he had been the same person he had been when he was younger, he probably would've insisted that she didn't need to leave, it was fine, she was fine. But he only watched her, completely numb inside, as she turned and headed for the door; the Crystal Gems parted to let her through, stepping into the room one by one and allowing the door to slide shut behind them silently. Steven clenched his fists somewhat instinctively, trying to fight down the anger brewing in his gut. He was shaking again, but this time purely from fury. He hadn't wanted this - he hadn't been ready for this. Not today, not now. Not ever, to be honest. And he certainly hadn't been prepared for them to have heard as much as they probably had.

He watched Amethyst's gaze flick toward Pearl, Pearl's gaze flick toward Garnet, Garnet's gaze remaining firmly fixated on him like he was the most important thing in the room, and Steven had to physically bite back a scream of anguish, pain, grief, guilt and fury all rolled into one as his gaze flicked back and forth between each of her eyes, each one filled with tears, tracking down her face silently. He did that- he made Garnet cry. Garnet didn't cry- this was wrong, why was he doing everything wrong lately? Why couldn't he, for once, just do something right? Why couldn't he not hurt somebody for once in his fucking life?! The hybrid screwed his eyes shut, clamping his teeth down over his lower lip and biting down for all he was worth, not stopping until he tasted blood on the tip of his tongue, and felt the sharp pain rip him out of his misery.

Better, he thought as he remembered how to breathe again, as the sobs that had been building in his chest steadily dispersed into nothing. His lip throbbed again, and his tense shoulders dropped, happy to take the physical pain over the emotional any day of the week. Much better.

Finally, Garnet broke the silence, breathing in shakily but speaking steadily, "Steven-"

"You heard that. I know," Steven interrupted, keeping his eyes shut tight, knowing that looking up at them again would be his undoing once more. So he stood there, running his tongue over his lip to heal it, and breathed in sharply once more as he struggled to figure out what to say. What was he even supposed to say? Was he supposed to take it all back? Pretend he hadn't meant every goddamn word? Was he supposed to keep lying about his feelings, for their sake? Honestly, he was somewhat tempted. Not like any good could come out of telling them the truth in the first place - but another part of him reminded him that it didn't matter either way, because they had heard what he'd said and no matter what he did or said after that to try to take it back, it was already out there in the open, vulnerable and waiting to be picked apart by the vultures. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say, to take those words out of the air again. He just had to suck it up and accept that they knew now. Accept the fact that they knew one of the worst sides of himself, and one of many sides of himself that he'd never wanted to show. "It doesn't matter…" He began instead, swallowing hard and clearing his throat as his voice faltered, giving up on him for a split second before he managed to force himself to speak again. "It doesn't matter. I'm fine-" The ground shifted beneath his feet, "-I just need you to leave."

"Leave?" Pearl sounded almost hysterical; Steven cringed back despite himself, bringing his hands up to his face for a moment. He couldn't keep his mind from flashing back in time; watching her break down over and over and over again. Familiar feelings of helplessness and regret and guilt and inadequacy, knowing he'd never be good enough for her, never be what she needed, never be enough to really fill the hole his mother had left inside of her. Knowing she was ripping herself apart day by day and there wasn't a thing he could do to make it better, nothing he could do but try and pick up the pieces and try and be good enough, to measure up to something he knew he'd never be able to compare to in a million years. "We can't leave, not-" Pearl choked off, breathing in sharply, and continued shakily, "not now. Steven, you- you need-"

"Don't tell me what I need," Steven interrupted, the words clipped, stiff, bordering on absolute fury. His cheeks flushed pink, but he kept it back by biting down on his lip again, taking in another shuddering breath and shaking his head at himself. Easy, Steven… take it easy…

"Pearl," he heard Amethyst whisper, hissing as if the shorter gem was reprimanding the gem in question, but he didn't open his eyes to look - he wasn't curious enough to risk losing it again. He just needed to keep his head down, eyes shut, hands close to him, and try to speak as little as possible. Hell, for that matter, he needed to try and ignore them as much as possible, knowing full well that anything they said would be liable to set him off at any given moment. And even as angry as he was, the last thing he wanted was to hurt them. So he needed to keep himself in check this time, he needed to control himself, he needed to not lose his temper.

"Steven." Garnet's voice was quiet, still strained with the effort it was taking to hold herself steady, and Steven bit back another rush of guilt as he buried his face further into his hands. He wanted to cry - hell, fuck that, he felt about five seconds away from just breaking down right then and there, which was one of the many things he'd been trying to avoid in the first place. Sucking in a sharp breath, he had to bite his tongue when Garnet spoke next, keeping back both a sob and a furious scream at her words, "how long have you been feeling this way?"

He didn't want to answer. He didn't even think he had an answer, to be completely honest. He breathed in shakily, fighting back the loose sob that pushed its way up to his throat, and shook his head furiously at himself in an attempt to make himself focus on something else.

The hybrid rubbed his arm over his eyes, finally blinking them open for a moment - only to release the tears that had been trapped. He made an effort not to look up at the gems, but he couldn't help but flick his gaze back up to Garnet when she moved forward suddenly, unable to keep himself from flinching on time. He felt far too small, having to tilt his head back to look up at her, struggling to really see her and not one of the Diamonds. His breathing hitched, though, faltering, as she knelt down slightly in front of him to come face to face once more, reaching up and pressing a cautious hand down against his shoulder; he winced, more out of surprise than anything, tensing slightly under her grip. He wanted to pull back, to get as far away from her as he possibly could, just run and never look back - but he couldn't move. He didn't know why, he didn't know what, but something kept him there, right there, on the edge of fury and helplessness, as Garnet spoke to him again, a little softer, "how long, Steven?"

"Garnet, please," Steven breathed, a rush of heat flushing across his cheeks, but it was gone before it could consume him. He bit down on his tongue, then the inside of his cheek, fighting against the pressure that was still building in his chest. He was reaching it - his breaking point. He could feel it, ready to explode at any given moment. He wanted to scream again, honestly. Hell, a part of him was tempted to do just that. "Just please… please go. I can't do this…" Finally, he managed to shrug her hand off, taking a few steps back and pressing his hand against his face again. He wasn't ready, he couldn't do this, they weren't gonna leave and he didn't know what else he could possibly do to keep this situation from spiraling. He was reaching his peak, he could feel it, and it was the last thing he wanted to do in front of any of them.

Silence followed as he fought to pull himself together again, pressing his face into his hand and trying to breathe. His efforts were shaky, strained; he couldn't get in as much air as he needed, which just sent him spiraling into even more of a panicked state. God, he really was losing it.

"You have to talk to us," Garnet insisted, her voice finally wavering, and Steven couldn't help but flinch slightly despite himself. At least, at first - it was so weird hearing Garnet so close to losing it herself, bringing back memories of the Cluster gems and… the hybrid shook his head desperately, breathing in shakily and trying to force himself to focus. Swallowing down an instinctive rush of fury - indignation? - at Garnet's words, he rubbed his face sharply, lifting his hand a bit to rub his eyes just to make sure he wasn't tearing up as much as he felt like he was.

"Garnet, we can't push him like this-" Amethyst's voice was quiet, more tired than Steven had expected, and his gaze flicked up only slightly before he reminded himself to look away again.

"We have to know what's going on, Amethyst!" Pearl insisted, less hysterical now, but still desperate enough to make Steven cringe slightly. He buried his face into his hands again, fingernails digging sharply into his skin as he tried to remind himself to just breathe, to not focus too hard on what they were saying, to just let it go. He couldn't lose his cool, not on them. He wasn't supposed to be this way around them. He was supposed to be better than this. He was supposed to make everything better… "Him not talking to us is what led to this in the first place!"

Steven froze, his pounding heart abruptly screeching to a halt, and a strangled gasp broke through his lips at the sudden sensation. He felt cold, just because of that, every little bit of his self-restraint immediately slipping. Heat flushed across his face, burning and searing into his skin as it spread, like flames creeping apart every part of his body; and he looked up, mouth opened to snarl back a response, to scream and shout and release all of the anger that was boiling inside of him - because if she was going to be like that, then to hell with restraint - even if a part of him insisted that she wasn't quite wrong- but he didn't get the chance to, because the very second he lifted his head, he watched Amethyst whirl on Pearl instead. "Don't you get it? Us pressing him to talk to us is what led to this! He doesn't want us to be here!"

Pearl jerked back slightly, staring down at the shorter gem with a look of pure offense and indignance, and Steven just about lost it right then and there. Remembering back when all Pearl and Amethyst could ever seem to do was argue, back when it was his job to make them get along, back when he had to beg them just to spend time with him so that they'd spend time with each other, back when he had to fix their mistakes because they couldn't stop arguing like fucking children long enough to see what they were doing. His head pounded as he dug his fingernails a little further into his skull, breathing heavily and shaking his head back and forth. He couldn't go through that again - he couldn't help them fix their arguments this time.

"We can't just leave him alone like this!" Pearl exclaimed, and Steven screwed his eyes shut tightly and ducked his head, as if blocking them from his sight would make them disappear.

"Pearl, us being here is making it worse!"

"You two are making it worse," Garnet hissed, "the last thing Steven needs is-"

"Stop telling me what I need!" Steven screamed, lifting his head from his hands. He didn't really realize what he'd done until long after Garnet had crashed back into the wall, cracking it in the process; Pearl and Amethyst were lucky enough to be far away from him to avoid being thrown back, only going skidding a few steps, but managing to keep their balance for the most part, as they all stared back at him in complete shock. "I'm trying to tell you what I need, okay?!" The hybrid dropped his hands, clenching them into fists at his sides. "I need you all to just leave! It doesn't matter how long I've been feeling like this! It doesn't even matter that I am feeling like this! Since when has that ever mattered to you?! Since when have I-?!"

He cut himself off, choking on his words with a sharp, strangled gasp as he watched their expressions shift; Garnet's eyes widened, Pearl's hands came up to cover her mouth in shock, and Amethyst flinched slightly, though she seemed less surprised than the other two, and more guilty than anything. The hybrid breathed out sharply, doubling over and putting his head in his hands again. "I know what you want me to do, okay?" He choked out, digging his fingers into his hair. "You want me to go back home and pretend that none of this ever happened. But I can't do that this time. I'm sorry- I'm sorry," a low, muffled sob finally broke through his lips, "I just can't-"

"What?" Amethyst was the first one to speak, with Garnet and Pearl still seeming too stunned to open their mouths at this point. "Whoa, wait a minute-! That's not what any of us want- we never expected-!" She cut off as Steven raised his head, a little too quickly - and while she did flinch slightly, she continued on a little more carefully, "Steven, we're just worried about you, man. None of us expect you to just come back and be okay immediately, I- I mean, I definitely don't!" She took a step toward him, carefully stepping over one of the cracks he had created, and Steven tensed slightly, but managed to keep himself from recoiling as she approached him. "We just wanna know what's going on with you," she told him. "We're worried about you. Especially now. And you do matter to us!" Shaking her head, she added, "to me, more than anything."

"Well, that's nice," Steven choked out, still unable to stifle the fury brewing in his gut, nor the desperation, as he gasped in another gulp of air and shook his head, finally taking a step away from her and running his fingers through his hair. "Where were you when I needed to hear it? You wanna know how long I've been feeling like- like this? Like I'd rather be dead? My entire life, guys! I've never felt like I was supposed to exist. I've never felt like I mattered enough to…" He trailed off, biting his tongue again to keep back another sob, as he shook his head.

Shut up, shut up, he hissed at himself, you idiot, shut up!

"Why didn't you talk to us?" Pearl breathed, stepping toward him now along with Amethyst, who looked about ready to break down into tears again at any given second. "We could have-"

"How would I have talked to you about it, Pearl?!" Steven yelled, more out of desperation than anything, as he tugged on his hair and looked up at her. "Anything that was wrong with me, you brushed off! All of you did! Every time I tried to talk to you about- about what was bothering me, you made it seem like it was no big deal! So yeah, I- I stopped talking to you about it! Because I- because I stopped thinking it was important enough to talk about!" The hybrid paused, only to suck in another sharp, shaky breath as he closed his eyes and ducked his head again. "And- and half the time, you weren't even there anyway… and when you were, I had to help you!" Rubbing his eyes, he huffed out a quiet, shaky laugh. "I don't know if you remember, but you did need me once upon a time, guys! And- and I know you don't anymore, but it's not as easy for me to just move on from it, and a lot of it still hurts, and I'm still terrified that if I break down, then you guys are gonna break down too and I'll have to fix it all over again just like I always have!"

Each one of them froze, wide eyes focused on Steven, and the hybrid stiffened slightly. One hand flew down to his mouth, covering it with a choked gasp as he realized what he'd just said, and the rush of heat that had engulfed him immediately ended up dissipating, the pinkness vanishing almost as quickly as it had overtaken him. He wanted to scream, and shout, and cry - but more than anything, he just wanted to curl up and hurt, to make himself hurt for all the pain he must have just caused them. A part of him was silently hoping they would start screaming back at him, reprimanding him for his behavior, telling him exactly what a shitty person he was - because he felt so, so much worse now than he ever had, and he didn't know what to do.

"Oh, man…" Amethyst's voice was strained now, shaking. Her eyes had widened, not with horror or anger or anything, but with… realization. The same expression was written across both Pearl and Garnet's faces, mouths open, eyes wide. "Oh, Steven…"

Pity. Concern. Steven swallowed down a wail of despair, because that hadn't been what he wanted at all. He didn't want them to feel bad, he wanted to make them see that he was bad! He wanted them to call him selfish and stupid and tell him how childish he was acting, he wanted them to hate him as much as he hated himself at that moment, because oh, god, he hated himself so much. No, he hadn't meant to make them feel bad. He had spiraled, lost control, but even after he did that, they couldn't bring themselves to scold him. Now that he wanted it. This was all so fucked up… the hybrid shuddered, pressing his face into his hands again as a low, choked sob broke through his lips again. "I don't- I don't get it," he admitted, voice muffled by his hands, but he couldn't bring himself to lift his head. "I don't understand why you're still here! I just- I just shattered Jasper-" He choked on his words a bit, stumbling over them as he tried to continue, "-and just admitted I'd rather die than have to face anyone else's problems- even my own- and you're still here!" The teenager rubbed a hand down his face, a little too roughly. "I…"

"Of course we're still here," Garnet told him softly, and Steven settled his hand over his mouth again as he looked back up at her, using what little self-restraint he had left to keep himself from interrupting her as she continued on, "Steven, we're your family. Whatever you do, we'll always be here for you." She stepped toward him, alongside Pearl and Amethyst. "... I'm sorry."

Steven blinked at that, moving his hand away from his mouth to respond, but he couldn't find the words. She was apologizing… why was she apologizing? God, no, this felt all wrong… "What?" He finally managed to choke out, sucking in a sharp, shaky breath. "You-"

"You said it yourself. We made you feel like we didn't care- like you didn't matter to us." Garnet's hands briefly curled into fists, looking visibly pained, and Steven swallowed down another rush of guilt, as well as the urge to run forward and comfort her. "And that couldn't be more wrong. You mean everything to us- to me, and to Ruby, and to Sapphire." The fusion stepped forward, once again kneeling down in front of him, though still managing to keep her distance as she held her hands out, palms up; Steven flicked his gaze down to the gems, still speechless. "We're so, so sorry, Steven. We never meant to hurt you like this."

"But this isn't about me…" Steven's mumbled protests were cut short as Pearl moved forward, head swimming violently. The rage was gone, leaving behind a hollow, painful sense of confusion. Everything Garnet had said hurt, it cut deep, it made him want to cry until he couldn't anymore, but he only swallowed past the lump in his throat and struggled to breathe, because that hadn't been the point at all. This hadn't been what he wanted- what he intended…

"And I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me about this- about any of this," Pearl's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, wide brown eyes flicking back up to the pale gem, as she rubbed her eyes. "You shouldn't feel like you have to hide anything from me…! Not this, not… not your feelings, and…" Pearl shook her head, dropping her hands back to her sides and curling them into fists, a slightly bitter expression crossing her face for a moment before it was shadowed over in pure, raw grief, all the guilt Steven felt raging inside of him written clearly across her face as she looked down at him. "I'm supposed to protect you…" The gem swallowed hard, letting out a shuddering sigh. "Oh, Steven, I… I'm so sorry…"

The pain brewing in Steven's chest intensified tenfold, throat restricting as soon as he opened his mouth to attempt to respond. His mouth went dry, but his eyes stung as tears began to brew. Even the guilt was, for the time being, stifled underneath a burning, aching agony, his stomach twisting sharply as he gazed back at Pearl, blinking furiously past the tears in his eyes.

"Man, I knew dumping all our problems on you would…" Amethyst trailed off, pressing her face into her hands, and Steven hesitantly turned his gaze back to her. "But I didn't think it was this bad… I should have- dammit, Steven, I'm sorry." The purple gem dropped her hands and took a few steps forward, leaving Garnet and Pearl to approach him, and while Steven recoiled slightly - more so at the apology than anything, she didn't quite stop. "But I get it, you know…? I mean, I can at least understand…" She sighed, breathing in slowly. "It's just, you've always seen the worst of us. And you've always been there for us." Glancing back at Garnet and Pearl, who nodded, Amethyst lifted her chin and looked back up at Steven. "We know you didn't mean to hurt anyone, Steven… you never would. That's just who you are. But it's not who you have to be, you know? It's okay to- to lose control and show us the worst parts of you. We're not going anywhere because of it, and… and if you let us, we want to help. I want to help."

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Garnet murmured, while Pearl reached over and put a hand on Amethyst's shoulder, rubbing her eyes furiously and seemingly fighting back tears.

For a moment, Steven could only stare. He could feel himself finally reaching his breaking point, but it wasn't the same as it had been yesterday; it couldn't be fixed with screaming, couldn't be released with anger. It wasn't even anger, it was just pain. Pure, raw pain. Slowly but surely bubbling up, spreading through every part of him, leaving him numb and tingly and breathless and cold inside, and his breathing quickened, growing heavier and heavier, as his throat restricted further, nostrils stuffing up, closing off. He fought it back, of course, sniffling furiously as he fought to breathe in through his nose, opening his mouth and gasping for air - but that was his undoing, ultimately. As soon as his lips parted, as soon as he sucked in a breath, it came out in a soft, choked, strained sob- and then, finally, the dam broke, and so did he.

He didn't even know why their words hurt him so much. It was everything he needed to hear, and yet somehow, it just made him feel worse.

But it was still his limit; finally, unable to take it anymore, he burst into tears. It was loud, and wet, and messy. It was tears, and snot, and gasping for air in between sobs as his body shook, wracked with agony and guilt and everything he'd been trying to hold back, and, god, it hurt.

He hurt, down to his very core.

The second he started breaking, a pair of arms wrapped around him, followed quickly by two more. No words were spoken, no soft, mumbled reassurances, no shushing, no comfort. They just held him close, and he let them, too far gone to fight at this point; he just sobbed, letting himself sink into them, turning and burying his face into the closest one's shoulder - he thought it was Garnet, but he wasn't even sure at this point, he couldn't see through the tears in his eyes - and holding onto them for dear life as they all wrapped themselves around him. They were shaking, too, presumably with soft, stifled sobs of their own, but they only held him, and he couldn't pull himself together enough to see if they were crying, too. For once, just not wanting to have to worry about that, he simply let his own pain consume him, and let himself break, in the ugliest of ways. It didn't make him feel better; it wasn't like the screaming, it didn't make him feel good and strong and it wasn't exactly a release. But it was still spilling out either way.

It hurt. But he deserved it. So for the first time, he just let himself break - genuinely break - to shatter into pieces he wasn't sure he'd be able to glue back together again, but he didn't care. He didn't want to have to worry about putting the pieces back together again. He didn't want to have to worry about what the gems might think, watching him cry in a way they had never seen before, in a way he had never allowed them to see. He didn't want to worry about anything.

So he didn't. He didn't worry. He didn't care. He just cried. And sobbed. And gasped. And let the last little bit of all that pain break free, let it consume him completely, and he just let it hurt.