Of all the mixed emotions swirling through Steven's chest, he managed to find a tiny bit of relief among guilt, anger, resentment and dread by the time the warp was over. It had never been so tense, watching the stream from his place with the Crystal Gems (and Jasper), and he vaguely thought back to a time when he would have been bouncing excitedly, with Pearl's hand on his shoulder reminding him to take it easy, before he fell out. Which reminded him of the time he actually had fallen out of the stream, with one of Peridot's little robot thingies. Clutching it to his chest, shivering and gasping for every little breath he took. He had genuinely thought he was going to die that day, and had surprised himself by not completely breaking down when Garnet had pulled him safely back inside. He remembered how it had felt, trying to suck air into his lungs and failing, freezing and devoid of any kind of gravity, any kind of safety. He remembered the bone-crushing terror that had consumed him, and the nightmares that had followed for so long after that.
Looking back on it now, he was almost amused; it was relatively tame compared to everything else he'd been through. It felt somewhat silly, looking back on how scared he'd been. Especially gazing at the warp stream now and knowing, at this point, that burning pain in his lungs would've been more than welcome. Hell, the only thing stopping him from jumping out himself right then was the fact that the gems were there, and while they already knew at this point that he was having some suicidal thoughts, he didn't really think they thought he was too serious about it. And he didn't want them to know that he was, because that conversation wasn't…
But, finally, the warp ended, and he found himself back in his greenhouse. It took a moment to force himself to move, his own body somewhat disobeying his own commands as he stumbled and staggered, but righted himself quickly enough - and just in time to avoid Garnet's outstretched hand - as he headed for the door. He didn't want to stay in here any longer than he had to, anyways. Damn place still gave him chills from time to time. And he didn't think he'd ever stop thinking about Cactus Steven… stifling a sigh, the teenager opened the door, watching it swish open with a familiar hiss, as it finally hit him that he was back on Earth. Back… home, if he could even call it that anymore. It didn't really feel like home. He also noticed, glancing back to make sure the gems were following, that the sun was going down. Spinel and Yellow hadn't been kidding - he'd definitely been gone for a full Earth day, since the last he saw of the planet, it had been nighttime and storming. The sky was relatively clear now, thankfully.
He let the gems exit before him, though they seemed hesitant to do so, as if he was going to turn and get right back on the warp pad. The only one who didn't pass him was Jasper, who paused and arched an eyebrow at him with her arms crossed over her chest, managing to look passive and challenging at the same time. Steven only held her gaze for a second before giving in, too exhausted to fight with her on this and honestly somewhat glad that she wasn't acting like some kind of mindless drone that existed only to do what he wanted, anyway.
So he slipped out after the gems, heading along the balcony back to his room. Jasper, to his surprise, ended up falling into step with him, eyeing Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl from behind. "So I guess this is the end of our training, huh?" The orange gem grunted.
Steven blinked, mildly surprised that she even felt like that was even a question, and offered her a slightly hesitant glance before rooting his gaze ahead. You'd think it'd be a little easier to look at her now, but no, it still made his stomach twist in ways he couldn't even begin getting used to. "That's probably for the best, yeah…" He sighed, not really making an effort to keep his voice low, but if the gems heard them talking, they didn't express it. Steven stared ahead for a moment, twisting his mouth sharply, and stuck his hands in his pockets, closing one around the tissue, which had long dried and shriveled up. "Guess you're gonna be heading back to your cave?" He questioned after a moment, struggling not to sound as desperate as he felt.
Jasper didn't respond immediately. When she did speak up, however, it wasn't quite what Steven was expecting. "I was thinking about checking out that stupid little school." The hybrid spared her a glance, tensing up slightly in surprise, and Jasper huffed and turned her head away slightly with a scowl as she went on, "don't get excited, I'm just bored. And out of rocks."
Steven hesitated slightly, wondering if he'd ever managed to tell Jasper he wasn't even working at the school anymore. He figured he must have, but he didn't want to think that far back anyway. But, opening his mouth to tell her, he hesitated again - because he didn't want to do anything that might make her change her mind. After all, getting her to go to Little Homeschool was something he'd been working at since it had been built. She deserved the chance to be able to move on and grow like everyone else had. He didn't want to push the subject, didn't want to talk about it and make her feel like he was pressuring her - it wasn't his job to do that anyways. She needed to make the decision on her own, and… Steven, for one, was just tired. So if she decided to go, then, good for her. But if she decided not to, then… it was her call. Honestly, thinking like that, about anything, just felt weird - but it was Jasper, he reminded himself, and even with all her 'my Diamond' crap, she probably wouldn't take shit from him. And he didn't want her to. He wanted that, at least, to remain somewhat normal.
He didn't want her to feel like she needed to do anything for him. If she did this, or not, he wanted her to be the one calling the shots. And immediately felt kind of bad for that - feeling like he should offer some kind of encouragement. What if she wanted encouragement? What if that was why she'd even said anything in the first place? Maybe she wanted him to react. The hybrid breathed in sharply, holding his breath for a moment and twisting his hands in his pockets. Oh, great, what if he was making it worse? What if him not saying anything made her not go?
"W- Well-" The teenager was speaking without his own permission, having worked himself up into near hysterics, yet coming off a little calmer than he felt at that moment. "That's… good." After a moment, he added quickly, "does… that mean you're moving into Little Homeworld?"
"No," Jasper scoffed, and Steven decided that was a good place to end the conversation, knowing her well enough to know, for certain, anything else at this point would irritate her. So he simply fell silent, slipping into his room with a frown and looking around for only a second before heading to his door to follow the Crystal Gems downstairs, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He was a little surprised to see Pearl on the phone when he reached the bottom of the stairs, while Amethyst had simply curled herself up on the couch. Garnet was standing near the door, leaning against the wall, and turned her head toward Steven and Jasper when they finally stepped into the living room. Jasper ended up heading over to join Amethyst on the couch, sitting down and moving the smaller gem to the other side with her foot - much to the purple Quartz's protests, but Steven turned his gaze back to Pearl, somewhat reluctantly, when she hesitantly turned around to offer the phone to him.
"It's Greg," she told him, eyebrows furrowed. If gems could get tired, he could've sworn she looked it - hell, if he studied her close enough, he could almost see bags under her eyes. But the hybrid's gaze focused on the phone rather quickly, heart sinking slightly as her words set in. He hadn't spoken to Greg since he crashed the van.
Hell, he hadn't even thought of Greg since… Steven ran his fingers through his hair, shakily reaching out to take the phone from Pearl, with the numb reminder that he couldn't just not answer and talk to his father. He was probably worried sick - especially considering the fact that Steven had gone off the grid for three days - four, technically, to Greg, he supposed - immediately after his supposed 'outburst' which had nearly resulted in him injuring his own father. His cheeks flushed, hot and pink, as he brought the phone to his ear again, breathing in shakily and trying to make himself sound at least a little happy to talk to him. "Hey, Dad."
"Schtu-ball!" Greg sounded almost hysterical, frantic, really, and the hybrid cringed slightly, turning completely pink and jerking the phone away from his ear for a second, just enough to compose himself and still somewhat be able to hear what his father was saying. "Thank god you're alright, I was worried sick! The gems called earlier and said you'd just gotten back, but that you were on your way to Homeworld, but they wouldn't tell me what was going on or why-" He paused to suck in a breath, and Steven trembled slightly, somewhat surprised by the tears that rose to his eyes, somewhat instinctive due to the way his throat closed up, painfully restricting and leaving hardly any room to breathe. Guilt and despair churned in his stomach, pulsing against his chest, surprisingly lacking any of the anger he would have felt for anyone else. The night of their 'argument' was still fresh in his mind, the wound still just deep enough to sting, the night he'd realized he couldn't even really count on his own father to be there for him. The night he realized Greg Universe and Pink Diamond weren't so different after all.
But he felt no anger for him now, unlike the absolute fury he'd felt then, only a hollow, aching feeling that had less to do with Greg, and more to do with him. His guilt, his pain, all these feelings bottled up inside of him that, once upon a time, he would've expressed to Greg with little hesitation. But he didn't feel like he could anymore- like Greg just wouldn't understand. And, yeah, he felt awful for feeling like that- but… at the same time, he didn't even feel like he deserved to be able to talk to anybody about this anymore. After what he'd done…
"Steven? Are you there?" Greg's voice interrupted his thoughts, and the teenager sucked in a sharp gasp, pulling the phone back to his ear upon realizing he'd simply zoned out completely.
"Y- Yeah, sorry, Dad, I- I'm here." Steven paused, swallowing hard and turning to look around. Pearl had retreated over to where Garnet was, presumably to give the hybrid some privacy, but he still didn't feel all too comfortable with their gazes on him anyway. So, after a few seconds of hesitation, he turned and headed for the bathroom, clutching the phone tightly with one hand and reaching out to open the door with the other. It was only then did he really realize he had turned pink, and he had to swallow back a cry of despair, pushing the door open and rushing inside, nearly slamming it behind him in his haste to just get away from everything else. He could handle turning pink because of the gems, and Jasper, and the Diamonds and Spinel. But when he started turning pink just because of his own father, something was very, very wrong, and he wasn't okay with it. With how much had changed just because of that night. "Sorry…" The teenager swallowed, sinking back against the door. "God, I'm so sorry I just disappeared, everything was just getting so- I couldn't-"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down!" Greg exclaimed, and Steven flinched again. "Steven, I'm not mad, I'm just really worried, that's all! I'm glad you're okay, though- are you okay?" He stressed, "Bismuth isn't done with the van, but I can get a ride or something, or walk- you're back at the beach house, right? I'll be there soon-" At this, Steven's pupils shrunk, every muscle in his body pulling taut with complete, absolute horror. He knew he couldn't just not explain anything to Greg, and he knew sooner or later it was going to come out, whether the gems told him, or Steven let it slip in another outrage, but that didn't make it any easier.
But his mouth went dry, unable to speak as Greg continued, "don't worry, okay? I'm on my way. Does Connie know you're back yet? She's been really worried the past few days, too."
Steven stared ahead, eyes rooted to the toilet, heart sinking slightly at the mention of Connie. The phone almost slipped from his hand, burning and sweaty, fingers going numb from holding it so hard, but his grip only tightened further when he realized he'd have to explain everything to Connie, too. So not only would he have to tell his own father that his only son was a murderer, but he'd have to look his best friend in the eyes and tell her the same thing. That he killed somebody. Not in a fit of rage, not without total control of his own abilities, but knowing full well what he was doing and intending to do as much damage as possible. He hadn't meant to kill Jasper, no, but he had meant to hurt her. And that was just as bad. "I…" He stopped, breathless, "no… no, I haven't-" He paused, his words almost choking him at this point, throat closing up like his body was even telling him to just shut up. "I just got back, I- I didn't have the chance to."
There was silence for a moment, and Steven took the chance to slide down into a sitting position, adjusting himself slightly to sit cross-legged. And he breathed, just breathed, in through his nose and out through his mouth, a relaxation technique he and Connie began practicing a little while after Garnet had helped them as Stevonnie. It was still hard to focus, but he still made a concentrated effort to steady himself, if only slightly, before he continued the conversation.
"Just relax, kiddo, I'll be there soon," Greg told him after a moment, his voice soft, gentle in a way that should have been soothing, but only served in sending his anxiety skyrocketing once again. He didn't reply, pulling the phone away from his ear and pressing his hand to his face, stretching his fingers up and digging his nails into his forehead. He dragged them down slowly, curling them against the bridge of his nose and letting them peel at the skin, digging in a few layers deep and eventually drawing blood. He rubbed it away when that happened, wincing slightly at the sting that accompanied it, but he had never been more grateful for a physical distraction. At the very least, it allowed him enough time in which his attention wasn't focused on Greg to be able to suck in the air his lungs were craving, and he melted against the door, nearly sobbing in relief when the burning feeling finally faded.
He looked down at the phone tiredly after a few seconds. It felt heavy in his hand, like it was weighing his arm down. He didn't even know where his own phone was - he vaguely recalled ditching it somewhere in the woods during his training, since Jasper had gotten rather annoyed by the ringing. It was probably broken now, thanks to the storm, but he didn't really care. Well, sure, he felt a little guilty for dodging the phone calls in the first place, but… but there wasn't anything else he could've done. He couldn't be around anyone else then, and to be completely honest, he shouldn't have even been around Jasper of all people anyway.
Steven rubbed his thumb over the side of the phone, then stretched it over to slide his finger across the screen, ending the call. Shame and guilt churned in his stomach, like a synchronized dance designed purely to make him lose his shit completely, and he once again found himself practically starving for air as he tried to breathe in, shaky and unsteady despite his best efforts. Greg was on his way anyway, so what did it matter? No point in just staying on the phone with him the entire time while he walked up to the beach house. Steven didn't know how long it would take him, but he did know that it wasn't a far walk from the car wash, which he assumed was where his father was. The teenager licked his hand, rubbed it over his face - and bit back a rush of disappointment upon feeling the scars heal - and stood up, abandoning the phone on the floor and stumbling over to the sink. He turned the cold water on, sinking forward against the edge of the sink and ducking his head, cupping his hands under the water and gathering up as much as he could - slightly irritated by the way it just slipped through his fingers - before bringing his hands up to his face, careful not to make too much of a mess but still trying to get as much water onto his skin as possible. He repeated the process a few times, relaxing only slightly at the feeling of the freezing liquid against his skin - only really realizing for the first time how hot he felt - and finally reached to turn the water off when he was somewhat satisfied, running his fingers through his now soaked hair and sparing a glance up at the mirror.
He didn't recognize who he saw there, not at first glance. The boy staring back at him was weak, tired. He had bags under his eyes, and his expression was little more than a scowl - that Steven hadn't even noticed he was making at all - as he gazed back at him. And his eyes, raging with fire and yet dull with defeat at the same time, speaking of exhaustion, pain and anger all at once. For a moment, Steven pitied the boy in the mirror, managed to feel an ounce of concern - before abruptly remembering that it was him he was looking at. Just him.
And whatever concern, whatever pity or sympathy he had felt, dissolved into contempt.
For a while, he just stood there, gazing at his reflection. His grip tightened slightly on the faucet handle, eyes narrowing slightly at himself. He wasn't pink anymore, at least, but it still wasn't easy to hold his own gaze. God, he really was pitiful, wasn't he? He certainly looked the part. But who was he to break down from this? Who was he to be the one suffering here? He had killed somebody. He had shattered a gem. A gem that was only trying to help him. In a fight that, above everything else, was meant to be friendly, at best. He had done that to himself. What gave him the right to sit here all down in the dumps, depressed because of his own actions? What gave him the right to feel like this? It was stupid, it was selfish, and if he really felt guilty, he'd be trying to fix it instead of just moping about like some stupid kid. He was being childish.
The hybrid glared down into the sink, pure anger twisting and churning in his gut. He had gone and shattered Jasper, and now he was hiding away from everyone, trying to escape, because he couldn't handle it. Who did that? Who made mistake after mistake, hurt person after person, and just kept running, hurting people along the way in nothing but a pure, desperate, selfish attempt to just escape all of the guilt and pain that came with it? What kind of person-
… no, he knew what kind of person. The exact person he'd been trying to avoid becoming. The person who would rather run, hide away, who would rather not exist just to stop her mistakes from catching up to her. He wondered if she'd ever felt this low, though- if she'd ever been drowning in guilt the way he was, if she was even capable of that. He wondered if she felt the same absolute loathing for herself that Steven could feel rising up inside of him, directed at him and only at him. He wondered if she looked in the mirror and hated what she saw there. He wondered if she ever contemplated the things he was, envisioning cracking her own gem just for the hell of it, shattering herself just so she could experience at least some of the pain she had caused others. He wondered if that's why she had given up her existence in the first place.
To kill herself.
He wondered if it hurt.
He wondered if it was a bad thing that he hoped it had.
Steven sighed, ducking his head and peering up at the mirror through his eyelashes. With how similar they were - in so… so many ways, more ways than Steven cared to admit - he wouldn't be surprised if she felt the way he did now. If she really had hated herself for all the things she had done. He wondered, for a second, how anyone could do the things she had done without at least feeling some guilt - and he wondered if even a sliver of it was enough to drown her this way. He wondered if she ever felt bad for the things she did. If she thought the world would be a better place without her in it. If she thought the world would be better with him instead. He wondered if she scared herself as much as he scared himself. Gems didn't sleep - did she? Did she sit awake at night, watching Greg sleep, thinking about the future? Did she think of every little horrible thing she'd done, from Bismuth, to Spinel? Did she relive it all, every second of every day, feeling the guilt stack up until she just couldn't take it anymore? Wishing she could go back and change it, but knowing it was too late? He found himself with more questions than before, ones he knew he'd never get the answer to, because he knew she was the only one who could possibly know. Because she was enough like him - or he was enough like her - for her to have kept these feelings close to her, bottled up and stifled, until she disappeared.
Something inside of him ached to sympathize with her, with the one being in the world who might have even a chance at knowing what he was going through, but it was far too late now. She was gone. Gone because, for whatever reason, she had decided that he deserved to exist more than she did. And Steven could spend his life debating on whether or not he really did - hell, for the most part, he'd grown up doing just that - but he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.
"What am I doing…" He whispered, dropping his gaze from the mirror again. He didn't deserve to feel this way. He didn't deserve to be able to run and hide from his problems the way she had. He was the one that was supposed to fix all of this. Why was he just making everything worse? Why was everything just getting worse? "Why can't I make it better? I'm supposed to make everything better-" His voice rose, just a little, just enough; he heard a crack, sharp and abrupt, just in front of him, flicking his gaze up to study the spiderweb-cracks that had formed on the mirror, which looked about five seconds away from shattering completely. He stared at his reflection, distorted, cracked, angry and pink once again, glowing with the force of his rage. His hatred, every bit of it solely fixated on him. He hated himself, he hated himself more than he'd ever hated anybody in his life. He hated himself more than he hated the Diamonds, more than he'd hated Spinel when she'd first shown up, more than he hated his own fucking mother.
He hated himself, and for the first time, he was finally willing to admit it - at least to himself, to his own ears - because god, if he hadn't been someone worthy of that hatred then, he was now.
Steven breathed in shakily, swallowed, and flinched, hearing the phone ringing from behind him. The pinkness faded, receding to his cheeks and lingering for a second, but he didn't stick around to see if it was going to diminish completely. Turning, he headed over to the door again, reluctantly reaching down and picking up the phone to see who was calling. The call ended just as soon as he closed his fingers around it, though, and he couldn't stifle a rush of relief as he swiped down to see who it had been, reaching out to open the door. It was Pearl's phone after all, anyway, so who was he to answer it himself in the first place? There, now he had an excuse.
Really going for Pink Diamond of the Year, aren't you?
His heart sank slightly, hand on the doorknob, when he saw who it was. Connie. His heart stopped, plummeting completely to his stomach, throat closing up all at once as he threw the door open and rushed out, desperate to get the phone back in Pearl's hands before she could call again. He couldn't talk to her, not now, he couldn't even think of her without-
"Steven?" Pearl sounded alarmed, stepping forward as he entered the room, and the hybrid reached out to hand her the phone, practically dropping it in his haste to just get it away from him. Amethyst pushed herself to sit up again, concerned, and Garnet leaned forward from her place beside the door. Jasper was the only one who didn't react, other than a quick glance up before she looked away again, seemingly focused on Amethyst's phone - which, for a second, Steven was kind of curious as to how she'd even acquired it, but he guessed Amethyst must have just given it to her to either shut her up or distract her - but the teenager looked back up at Pearl when she finally took the phone again, stumbling a few steps away from her and exhaling sharply in relief, folding his hands close to his chest and shaking his head desperately.
"What happened?" Amethyst questioned, glancing back and forth from Steven to Pearl. The teenager shook his head a little, hardly able to open his mouth to reply, so Amethyst turned her gaze back to Pearl. The pale gem offered a helpless look, then looked back down at the phone when it started ringing again, and the confused, worried expression on her face immediately dissolved into one of understanding, while Amethyst's bewilderment intensified. "Who is it?"
"It's Connie," Pearl murmured, somewhat reluctantly, and Amethyst leaned back slightly, inhaling sharply through her teeth while Garnet frowned, adjusting her visor.
For a moment, Steven felt thirteen again, asking the gems to help him avoid Connie. But that, back then, had been more for her sake than his own, and remembering what it had done to her only served to make his own guilt that much worse. He pressed his face into his hands, shaking slightly and trying to force himself to breathe. She was his best friend. She was supposed to be his best friend, and he was here, trying to avoid talking to her so he didn't have to explain that he had gone off and killed somebody. Yeah, he definitely hated himself, and he was going to give himself absolute hell for it later on, but he still couldn't bring himself to take the phone back. He didn't know how to talk to her, how to tell her what was going on. Especially not after what had happened between them, which had left him feeling more distanced from her than ever. Hell, at the moment, he felt more distanced from everyone than he'd ever felt in his life.
He stifled a sob at the thought, cheeks flushing with warmth again, but he only shook his head at himself and lifted his head again. "Pearl," his voice shook slightly, and he swallowed, annoyed, and waited a moment before he spoke again, "Pearl, I don't- I can't-"
Pearl put a hand on his head, making him feel even more like a child, the touch that was meant to be comforting only feeling cold, silencing. But he stopped, swallowing again, and she lifted her hand with a smile. "You don't have to, Steven." She turned away without another word, heading for the door and answering the phone as she did. The teenager watched, feeling that much worse as she left, the door swinging shut behind her as her voice trailed, "hello, Connie…"
Steven exhaled sharply, pressing his face into his hands again. He would've felt somewhat relieved - and even guiliter at that - if it weren't for the reminder that Greg was on his way, too.
"Hey," Amethyst's voice was softer, closer now, and it wasn't long before Steven felt her arm wrap around his shoulders. He tensed a little at the contact, shoulders twitching faintly as an instinctual reaction, wanting to pull away, but he reminded himself not to at the last second. That would just be rude. And, yeah, he didn't really want to be touched and he didn't even trust himself around them at the moment enough to be touched, but he didn't want to risk hurting her feelings any more than he probably already had today. So, breathing in shakily and ignoring the way he flushed pink completely, like his body was even protesting the contact, he shifted to lean further into her arms, numb despite what was supposed to be comforting. "It's okay."
Steven waited a moment to see if the anxiety and guilt churning in his chest would at least diminish a little, but Amethyst's words offered no relief. Which only made him feel worse, to be honest. She was trying to help him, and he couldn't even manage to feel a little better. Or even remotely thankful for the reassurance. He just felt empty, hollow, numb, and frustrated, and eventually, it simply led him to shrug her off anyway, leaning back on his feet and shoving his hands into his pockets, hunching over slightly and fixing his gaze on the floor. He didn't want to see her expression, didn't wanna see how she might have reacted to him pushing away from her, didn't wanna know how much it had probably hurt her. He just wanted everything to stop. But he knew he wasn't gonna get that too easily.
After about a minute or so, the hybrid breathed in through his teeth and looked up again. "Dad's on his way," he murmured, fixing his gaze on Garnet. The fusion said nothing, just offered a nod and adjusted her visor - allowing Steven to assume that she had likely already known anyway - so he finally turned his gaze to Amethyst. She didn't seem surprised, or even upset. If anything, she looked somewhat sympathetic, trading a grim look with Garnet and twisting her head around to glance back toward Jasper, who was still mostly distracted by the phone.
"So, uh, what do we do about…" Amethyst cocked her head toward Jasper and turned. Steven braced himself, breathing in, mind already racing for a thousand explanations - but the purple gem turned to Garnet, turning her back on him completely, and the hybrid held his breath.
"She shouldn't be a problem." Garnet crossed her arms over her chest.
Jasper looked up, giving the fusion a look, but she didn't say anything. Her gaze flicked back toward Steven, who reluctantly returned her stare, feeling like his heart was wringing itself out like a wet cloth. After a moment, though, the orange gem simply shrugged, as if agreeing with Garnet's statement, much to both Steven's surprise and relief, and turned her gaze back to the phone with a mildly frustrated expression, poking it with her index finger. "It keeps falling."
"You gotta keep tapping the screen," Amethyst sighed, heading over to her once again, and Steven watched them for a moment. He was a little surprised to see them being even remotely civil toward one another, but he certainly wasn't going to complain about it. He did wish he could feel a little more excited about it, though, but all he felt right then was a dull sense of relief.
He eyed the stairs for a moment, wondering if he could get away with just hiding in his room until Greg got there, but decided against it after a moment. Might as well get this over with, and then he could properly be alone, but until then, he just needed to brave through it. He wondered if he could get away with just not telling him what had happened, but it was highly unlikely. Either he would have to spill, or the gems would, or the gems would make him. Whatever happened, though, Steven knew one thing for certain - he'd be drastically unprepared for it. Story of his life, as always, and he was ready… well, as ready as he could be.
The teenager retreated to the kitchen, finally throwing away the tissue and pulling himself up onto one of the stools at the counter, pressing his hands down against it firmly as if to try and brace himself. And he fixed his eyes on the door, tense and waiting. He let Amethyst and Jasper's voices trail off, fading into the background, allowed everything else to disappear slowly and steadily from around him, curling his hands into fists and digging his nails into his palms.
How do you tell your own father that you killed somebody? Steven knew Greg didn't have much knowledge about gem stuff, but he was sure his mother must have at least explained the concept of shattering. He had taken a life, and it didn't matter whether it was a human or gem, he had done that, he had murdered somebody, and he could bring her back, but he couldn't fix it, he couldn't take away what he'd done. How was he supposed to tell his father that? He hardly knew how he'd been able to spit it out to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. But unless he worked himself up into a fit of rage like he'd done with them, he didn't know if he'd be able to look at him and explain what he'd done, didn't know if he'd be able to keep his cool while he told him. More than that, he was dreading Greg's reaction. Because, yes, Greg let him off the hook for a lot of shit - hell, he'd told Steven he was proud of him right after he'd crashed the damn van - but this was different. This was murder. Steven was a murderer. How was he supposed to explain that?
Steven breathed in shakily, definitely ready now to retreat to his room, but he didn't even get the chance to genuinely consider doing so before the door opened again. He almost relaxed upon seeing it was just Pearl, but tensed up all over again when Greg followed her through.
He braced himself at once, nothing but miserable the moment his father's eyes landed on him. Thankfully, he was already pink - he didn't want Greg to see him turning pink because of him specifically, knowing it would likely only hurt his feelings since Greg knew why it was happening in the first place, thanks to his hospital visit - but he was still left uneasy, guilty, ashamed and mildly irritated when Greg rushed over to him, barely hearing him exclaim his name through the blood roaring in his ears and the frantic pounding of his own heart. Still, he offered little protest, and no struggle, when he was pulled into his father's arms, simply collapsing against him without lifting his arms to hug back and just letting Greg do whatever he wanted for the moment.
"I'm so glad you're okay, Schtu-ball," Greg breathed, fingers digging into Steven's hair as he gently gripped the back of his head and the fabric of his jacket, holding him close for a few seconds more before finally pulling away, allowing Steven to regain his footing. "I was-"
"Worried, I know," Steven interrupted, luckily managing to sound more exhausted than annoyed, and struggling to put somewhat of a smile on his face. He wasn't sure whether he succeeded or not, but Greg was too busy fussing over him at the moment to notice, so Steven simply let it drop again, taking the chance to compose himself as much as possible before he tried again. Reaching up and grabbing his father's hands, he pried them off of the collar of his jacket firmly but gently, glancing down at his own warily upon realizing they were still pink, and making sure to loosen his grip slightly in response before flicking his gaze back up to Greg. "I'm okay, Dad."
A relieved smile broke across Greg's face, either not noticing the strained expression on his son's face or simply not wanting to, Steven didn't really know anymore. For a moment, his gaze trailed past him, focusing on Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl, who all wore worried frowns as they focused completely on him. And, finding it much easier, somehow, to meet Greg's gaze, he quickly looked back up at his father, releasing his hands and letting him reach up to fix his hair instead. "Where did you go?" Greg asked after a moment, his smile vanishing, and turning into a surprisingly serious expression that genuinely left Steven reeling for a good few seconds.
His heart skipped a beat, almost hopeful, almost expecting some kind of scolding.
"I… went into the forest… with Jasper." Steven looked toward the gem in question at that, but she still seemed far too occupied with the phone to care about what else was going on.
"The f-" Greg did a double take toward Jasper, then looked back down at Steven, wide-eyed with a mixture of confusion and slight horror. Steven stared back at him, then dropped his gaze back to the floor, shifting slightly on his feet with a frown. "With… oh, Steven- why were you…?"
Steven shrugged slightly, blinking a few times and studying the floor with a frown, swallowing hard past the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. Now came the really hard part, explaining to his father exactly what had gone down during his time away. To his credit, Greg didn't say anything at first, just stared at him for a few seconds in silence before turning his head to look back toward the gems, pausing for a moment before turning back to him and speaking again. His hand trailed down, resting on Steven's shoulder instead. "Hey, let's get outta here."
"What?" Steven glanced up at him, tensing up again in surprise.
"Let's take a walk," Greg suggested, standing up and keeping his hand on Steven's shoulder, offering a light squeeze. "Just you and me. Not to call you out or anything, buddy, but you seem pretty overwhelmed right now. So…" He tilted his head back toward the door, his gaze focused intently on Steven, and the hybrid tensed up further as he slid his gaze back toward the others. Alone with Greg. Not exactly a comforting thought, remembering exactly what had gone down the last time they had been alone together, but he'd be lying if he said the thought didn't relieve him somewhat. Because, yeah, Greg wasn't too wrong right then - he was overwhelmed. And maybe it would be easier to explain everything if it was just the two of them, anyway…
So he nodded, unable to speak, knowing better than to try to put those feelings and thoughts into words. And he let Greg lead him over to the door, no longer looking at the gems, but Pearl shuffled aside to let them leave, offering him a reassuring smile that he didn't catch. At this point, it was dark, the sun having completely disappeared, leaving the beach lit only by the gentle glow of the moon and the glittering stars; he found himself almost transfixed by the ocean, reflecting the light from above, finally managing to take a little comfort in the familiar sight as he followed Greg down the stairs, lifting his hands to adjust his jacket and taking a deep breath to steady himself again, shoulders drooping as the pinkness finally faded.
Okay, Pink 2.0, his mind chuckled, don't fuck this up.