I know it's been a while since I last uploaded, but don't worry! This chapter has been written in a way that means you'll be caught up on the story so far, as well as seeing the story develop. I considered skipping this as it's all stuff that you already know, but since you may need a catchup I figured it's best to leave it in. There's also actual content sprinkled in, so it's not quite the same as those terrible anime recap episodes. I hope.
This chapter was meant to be fluffy. It was meant to be cute and happy. The plan flew out the window, though, and I'm sorry.
I know it's kind of a given by now, what with the contents of this fic. But I'm going to include a trigger warning anyway. I think this chapter delves into psychology in a way that's not happened thus far into the story, so… just please make sure you're prepared for it. This chapter was actually a little difficult for me to write, especially when it was meant to be 100% fluff.
Chapter 10
Naruto was warm and comfortable and the room was silent. Something must be wrong. The arm that draped around his waist was too perfect, the body and the cushions that moulded to his form made him feel too complete.
There was surely no way he could just… enjoy this. Something had to be happening, right?
Haru? No, he was with Tsunade. Kakashi had left him with her so that the two of them could spend time together. Well, that had definitely happened - from what little he could recall, they'd had far too much sake and gotten very, very drunk.
No, that wasn't quite right either. Naruto hadn't felt very drunk. In fact, now that he thought about it-
Pale skin flushed pink, even in the moonlight washing over them. Cold fingers tracing the line of his jaw-
Naruto remembered now. The sake had done nothing for him. As funny as it had been, watching his sensei stumbling over his words, he couldn't help but wish he'd been able to experience that drunken feeling.
Still, he was still suspiciously comfortable, wrapped up in Kakashi's arms. Once upon a time he'd have turned beet red at even the prospect of sharing a sofa with someone at such close proximity… but this was Kakashi, after all. With him, everything just felt so natural. Naruto was content to lay there forever.
But of course, Naruto wouldn't be allowed that luxury. He needed to pee.
Pulling himself from the jounin's embrace would be a challenge in and of itself. Sandwiched between Kakashi's chest and the back of the sofa, Naruto would have to somehow climb over him to get to the bathroom. No way did he want to wake the man up, not when he looked so peaceful and calm.
The teen was overcome with a sudden urge to pull down Kakashi's mask, to gaze at that chiseled jawline once more. No man had any business being that handsome, after all, and hiding that beauty away was such a waste!
'What the hell am I thinking!?'
Trying to ignore the warmth that adorned his cheeks, Naruto turned away from that tempting mask and began to work himself out of his grasp. He would have created a clone to swap places with, but in all honesty he didn't trust himself to do it properly. Knowing his luck, the clone would have ended up squishing the poor guy.
Instead, he set his sights on Kakashi's arm, still wrapped oh-so-gently around his waist. This would be the most difficult step, for Naruto knew how easily the jounin would wake up. Over several minutes he began to gradually inch the arm away, praying that his bladder would hold out. He made it about halfway when Kakashi began to shift and for a split second, he found himself half-hoping that the man would pull him closer. But unfortunately for him - and fortunately for his bladder - he simply moved his arm so that it was no longer barring Naruto's path.
Well, that was good news. Marginally disappointing for some reason, but good news nonetheless.
Now would be the easy part. Wriggling himself into a sitting position, gently reaching his leg over Kakashi's and planting one foot onto the floor. Slowly easing his other leg away from the sofa, inching closer and closer to freedom- aah, but he'd miscalculated. Naruto felt his balance slip away as he began to tilt backwards, hands scrabbling at thin air as he looked for something to catch on to. He closed his eyes, anticipating the pain as he crashed to the floor... only for a hand to grab onto his own and pull him back upright.
Naruto offered a sheepish grin to his now very much awake sensei, who only groaned and used his free arm to cover his face. Finally standing, the teenager simply fled to the bathroom as fast as his legs could carry him, crying his sweet relief as he finally reached his target.
When Naruto returned, armed with water and painkillers he'd been able to find in the kitchen, Kakashi had hardly moved from his position. He'd curled up into a ball, using a couch cushion as a makeshift blindfold and causing his shirt to ride up his belly as a result. Naruto was having a real hard time tearing his eyes away from the toned abs that peeked from underneath the shirt, so he busied himself with placing the items onto the coffee table and muttering about drinking and hangovers.
Kakashi grumbled, pulling himself into a seated position. That mixed sensation of relief and disappointment welled up once more as his shirt slipped back down, stopping Naruto in his tracks for a moment.
"Damn headache," The jounin bemoaned, grabbing the pills and downing the water in one breath. "So, what happened last night?"
"You… don't remember?"
He shook his head, letting out a tired sigh.
"I'm not very good at holding my alcohol, I'm afraid… most of last night was just a blur. Is there anything I need to know?"
Quivering hands grasping at the edge of the mask, a silent request for entrance-
"...No, nothing. We talked until we passed out, really. Not much more than that."
A desperate need to get out of the room began to weigh down on Naruto. He excused himself, as fast as he could, stumbling once more to the bathroom and locking the door behind him.
But this time, there was no cry of relief. This time the room was filled with retching as Naruto emptied the contents of his stomach into the basin before him. But no amount of vomit would lodge the burning knife of guilt that had thrust its way into his stomach.
He was a terrible, selfish person. No excuses could make up for what he'd done, he was a user and a manipulator and there was nothing he could do to make up for what had happened. There was no way, none at all that Kakashi could have even remotely felt the way Naruto did. How stupid he'd been, for ever thinking it could be true.
And now, as if to make matters worse, he'd just lied to the man. He'd just acted as if nothing happened, as if he hadn't used him up when he was too drunk to say no. But it did happen. Naruto had stolen his sensei's lips, mashed them against his own until they were swollen and red and not spared a single thought as to whether or not he would have wanted it.
And then he left him in the dark, never knowing what really happened.
Just like he'd done.
When Naruto left the bathroom, he went straight into his room, collapsing onto the bed. There was no way he could face Kakashi right now, not after what he'd done.
/\/\/\/
[A few months later]
This nightmare was different.
Naruto knew it to be a nightmare, for one. He would never find himself in a position like this in real life, after all, and especially not with someone who mattered so much to him.
But as his dream-self stood over the quivering, naked body of his sensei, curled into a whimpering ball, a little voice in the back of his head told him otherwise.
'You did it once before,' it whispered to him, 'You still haven't told him, even after all this time.'
No. He would not give that voice control. They taught him to bury that voice away, he could still remember that. It always took so much effort, but he could do it. He could lock the voice away. He did just that, taking several moments to steel his nerves as he tried to put what it had said to the back of his mind.
Kakashi was still shivering at his feet.
Naruto removed his jacket, crouching down and draping it over the man. This might be a dream, but it was far, far too realistic for his liking. He placed a gentle hand on Kakashi's shoulder, desperate to help him. To comfort him. But he had no idea what to say, what to do. Think, think… what would Kakashi do?
He would stay quiet, probably. He would show that he meant no harm in his actions, not in his words. He would look after Naruto, even when he wasn't aware of it happening. And when things take a turn for the worse, he would offer no words, but take care of the situation with no judgement.
But being quiet wasn't really Naruto's forte.
"Sensei? Are you okay?"
The jounin froze, muscles tensing up before he began to scramble away from the blond.
There was blood on the ground.
Naruto grabbed onto an arm, but it was snatched from his grasp. Kakashi let out an inhuman scream, something like a wounded animal, as he flailed around.
"Get away from me!" The man yelled, giving up his attempts at escape and curling back into a ball.
Naruto could feel tears welling up, threatening to overflow, blurring his vision. He was almost thankful for it - a brief respite from the blood, the fear on the jounin's face. It was horrifying, and yet he couldn't bring himself to look away.
"What happened to you?"
The words burst from his mouth before he could stop them. He really, really didn't want to hear the answer, because deep down, he knew where this dream was headed. He knew what Kakashi was about to say.
(WakeUpWakeUpWakeUpWakeUp)
He blinked, and the tears began to fall. His vision cleared, etching into his brain the sight of Kakashi's wild eyes staring at him with hatred and fear.
(WakeUpWakeUpWakeUp-)
"You know exactly what you did to me, you bastard!" he cried, and finally Naruto realised where the blood was coming from. "You're just like him!"
Just like Itachi.
/\/\/\/
Haru was crying again.
It had been a disturbingly frequent occurrence, these past few weeks. And as Naruto lay in his bed, gasping for breath, he was almost certain that it was his fault.
He reeled in the impact of this latest dream, torn between rushing to comfort Haru and getting as far away from the boy as he possibly could. It wasn't fair! Why, why did he have to push his emotions onto Haru all the time!? Was it not punishment enough that he had to endure them for himself?
There was no way he could keep up this pretence any more. Every day he lied, acted like everything is completely fine. But in reality, that couldn't be further from the truth. Each time Haru had an episode all thanks to his emotions, Naruto could only feel his heart breaking just a little more.
Jeez. He'd be a better father if he didn't exist at all.
That… could be arranged, actually. It would solve a lot of problems that way, too. So there could be a solution, after all.
People would be sad. Of course they would. He'd be leaving Haru in Kakashi's care too, but then, Kakashi was a better carer than Naruto could ever be. Haru probably wouldn't even know he was gone.
No, he'd know. And he'd be happy if he understood what that meant. If the blond was in that position, if he was being tortured by someone else's emotions, he'd probably be happy too. He'd be able to live his life free to feel normal emotions, rather than the ones forced upon him by his fucked up father.
Haru could grow up like any normal kid should.
Perhaps it would be for the best, if Naruto just… disappeared. He could leave a note, maybe. Actually, no, that wouldn't be the best idea. Knowing his luck Kakashi or someone would find it too early, and he might be good at hiding, but surely he's not that good. Plus they'd probably just use Haru's telepathy to find him, or something.
His best bet would be to leave silently. Go somewhere.. Obvious, maybe. Somewhere that he could do what he needed to do without being seen, but where he would be found when everything was over.
A training ground?
Too unreliable. It would be too easy for someone to come by and find him too early. He needed somewhere more remote than that. A place that people know about, but that they haven't been to in a long time.
A place like… the basement.
But could he really do that? Going to the one place his parents left for him and defiling it like that?
Not to mention, he hadn't been back there since his second meeting with Itachi. It brought back memories of that day, even thinking about going there. But then, even if it hurt him, it'd only be for one final time. Seemed kind of poetic that his last memories would be of the incidents that started everything.
It wouldn't be right, though, doing it in the basement. He could sit down there for a while, maybe read a few scrolls. Take some time to think about this carefully, and decide on a place to go. He could gather his resolve that way. Come to a real decision. Because right now, his resolve was shaky - he'd be hurting a lot of people if he did this.
'But you're hurting people more by sticking around'.
For once, the little voice was right. He truly was hurting everyone. Even if they were sad for a while, they'd get better eventually, right? And they'd be far better off without him worrying them all the time.
His mind made up, Naruto closed his eyes. He sought out the sliver of warmth, that telepathic connection that had caused so much trouble.
An image flickered into his view. He was looking up at Kakashi's face, vision tinged in green, as the man stared back down at him. Deep down, he knew that he was seeing through Haru's eyes… but Kakashi's intense stare still left his heart fluttering in ways he wished it wouldn't.
'I'm sorry.'
He tried to project the words through their link, hoping that Haru could hear them. There was no way of telling if it worked, though.
Naruto sighed, and opened his eyes once more. His limbs felt heavy, for some reason. Like there was a weight tied to each of them, dragging him down towards the ground. Getting dressed was like a chore, taking far more effort than usual just for him to shrug into his jacket and pants.
He left the house quickly, trying not to think about the fact that he'd never see it again.
/\/\/\/
He could see it.
The road where his parents' house once stood. Now that he was looking at it again, he couldn't help notice just how large the plot really was.
'I guess I own this place now,' He thought to himself. 'Not that it matters any more.'
As he reached the trapdoor, Naruto brought out a kunai. The blade was well kept; polished and sharp, it cut deep into his wrist. Aah, damnit, perhaps a little too deep. That would take a while to heal even for him.
But the pain… it was strange. Kind of grounding. Why was he tempted to make another incision?
Oh. Oh, no. When he first talked about his emotions, that had been one of the first questions.
Have you tried to hurt yourself lately?
He never really understood at the time. When they said that trauma sometimes had that effect, he'd just thought that it meant people going out on more dangerous missions, or doing things that might put them in danger. Drinking or something.
Now, though, it made a lot of sense.
That sting pushed everything else from his mind. It was all he could focus on. It felt a lot like the fight with Zabuza, actually, when he'd let go and allowed his instincts to take over for a while. It was wonderful to finally have silence within his mind, even for that short while.
"Naruto, is that you?"
And then, the feelings came back. Just as they'd felt before, and then some. His blood ran cold, pins and needles creeping up his spine in a rather unpleasant way.
He'd taken too long. He'd been so caught up in the pain that he'd forgotten to open the trapdoor, and now he would have to explain himself to…. Who was it, anyway?
Oh, speak of the devil. Of all the people that could have found him here, it just had to be the one guy who will probably be able to tell how he's feeling.
"Inoichi, hey." He replied, quickly pulling his sleeve back over his wrist. "I didn't expect to see you here."
He looked over to the street, where the Yamanaka had been standing only a moment ago - but to his surprise, the man was now standing right in front of him. As the older blond placed a hand on his shoulder, he couldn't help but notice the way his fingers dug in almost painfully tight.
Naruto studied his face for a moment, trying to get a grasp on how much the man had seen, but to no avail - his expression only showed a kindly, if tense smile.
Given how much Inoichi knew of his past, though, it wouldn't surprise him if he had an idea, especially given that he was a Yamanaka. They were masters of the mind after all.
"I can assure you I wasn't expecting to see you either. What are you doing around here, anyway? I almost didn't see you through all these weeds!"
"Aah, well… I wanted to go somewhere to be alone for a while," Naruto replied. It wasn't a lie, not exactly, but he didn't know if Inoichi would accept that kind of answer.
The man took a deep breath, nostrils flaring for a moment. Time seemed to stretch out as he regarded Naruto with a curious gaze, until the teen found himself feeling rather uncomfortable
"I thought that might have been the case."
He did his best not to show his relief as Inoichi seemed to buy his response. Phew. It would have been really awkward if he'd-
"So, do you mind if I look at your arm?"
-if he'd had to explain his arm. Crap.
"My arm?" He asked, "Why?"
He tried to shrug the hand off his shoulder, but the man held on. His grip was a little tighter now.
"You're bleeding. I can smell it, and there's a dark patch on your sleeve."
There wasn't a hint of judgement in his voice. It was more like… disappointment? Pity? Either way, it didn't sit right with him.
There would be no way to avoid this conversation, it seemed. If Naruto showed him, Inoichi would probably think that he's hurting himself. And if he didn't show him, the man would probably think that he's trying to hide the fact that he's hurting himself. No choice. He would have to explain everything.
"I need you to promise me that you'll keep this a secret, please," He muttered, staring at the older blond with as serious an expression as he could muster.
"You know my rules, Naruto," Inoichi replied. "If you're doing something that's hurting yourself or others, I have no choice but to-"
"No, it's nothing like that, don't worry. Just… let me show you."
Once more Naruto pulled up his sleeve, exposing his wrist for the man to see. The pain had dulled after he'd covered up the wound, but now that it was exposed to the cold air it began to sting once more.
Before Inoichi could say anything Naruto tilted his arm, allowing a droplet of blood to hit the fishcake symbol, still set into the stones. As they parted to reveal the basement, the teen noticed that there was somehow no blood staining the symbol. It was as though it had been absorbed, or something.
"I found this place by accident a few months ago," he told the man beside him. "It's only accessible by Uzumaki or Namikaze blood."
"So… you know."
"I do. He wrote a letter, just in case he never got to meet me. Guess he knew that something like that might happen."
Naruto began to descend into the basement, noting how Inoichi finally let go of him. There was a strange sense of nostalgia to the place now; a home away from home, kind of. There was still a niggling fear rooted in the back of his mind, but for now that's where it stayed. He could ignore it for now.
"I'm sorry, Naruto."
He turned around, looking back to the basement entrance where Inoichi still stood.
"I wish I could have told you. When I found out what happened, I actually asked if I could adopt you into my clan. The hokage wouldn't allow it, though - said you would live a normal life. Then he left you on your own for years and we clan heads had no choice but to watch you suffer.
"I'm so, so sorry that you had to go through what you did for so long. You didn't deserve it, and I only wish that I could have done something to ease that pain."
The teen couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips. It was scornful; joyless in its delivery and the returning look on Inoichi's face threatened to break his heart.
"Don't worry about it," He replied, "As you said, you had no choice. What's happened has happened and there's no point getting all worked up over the past, right?"
Naruto spotted a chair underneath his parents' desk and pulled it out, settling into it. Inoichi still lingered at the entrance, clearly not sure what to do with himself.
"You know you can come down, right?" He remarked, to which the man finally obliged. "So, what are you doing here anyway? Did I miss a checkup session or something?"
Inoichi laughed. "No no, nothing like that. I've got some time to kill and since I ran into you, I figured we could catch up!"
And it definitely had nothing to do with the state of his arm. Sure.
"Look, I came down here to do some reading. Spend some time on my own, you know?"
The man raised an eyebrow. It didn't take a genius to know what he was thinking - that Naruto didn't just do reading.
"Okay, okay. I'll get out of your hair in a moment then, I promise. But first, I just wanted you to know something."
As he spoke, he settled himself onto the floor, crossing his legs and leaning against the locked door. Huh, he still hadn't opened that door yet either. Naruto had all but forgotten about it with everything that had happened.
"I ran into Kakashi a few days ago. He said that he was worried about you, that something seems to be stressing you out but he wouldn't say what it was. When I saw you, I could immediately see that something was bothering you, especially after I realised you were bleeding. I'm glad it's not quite as serious as I thought, but you still seem bothered.
"As I said, I have some free time right now. So if you have anything you want to talk about - anything at all, I'm right here. But if you still want to get on with your reading, then let me know and I'll leave straight away."
Well, that made a lot of sense. Kakashi was unnervingly perceptive, so of course he would have noticed something was wrong. How could he not have considered that?
Naruto thought for several moments about the man's offer. If he refused now, he could be alone again. He could carry out his plans.
But… what if he let Inoichi stay?
The man wasn't a stranger to him, not really. He already knew more about Naruto's mental state than anyone else, thanks to the "coping sessions" that Tsunade had put him on when she'd first taken up the hat. Once per week for two months. Ten sessions. Inoichi had taught him all about how to deal with the nightmares, with the times when he felt like he couldn't go on.
Naruto had begun to heal from what had happened because of those sessions.
He was still deep in thought as he stood up, walking over to the basement's entrance. Looking around, he could see a small piece of paper stuck to the wall, with squiggly lines painted onto it in red ink. At first he thought it could be an explosive tag, but the lines were arranged differently.
Something clicked within his mind. A memory? Hmm, it was more like a piece of information. The yondaime was well known for his sealwork - he'd even created seals to protect Kakashi's house from intruders, right? The seal back at Kakashi's looked a lot similar to this one, though the lines were thinner and more intricate.
He raised a finger, channeling chakra into the piece of paper on the wall. The room began to rumble as he did so, as the stones that covered the basement moved back into place. When they'd finished moving, the only sound that remained was that of Naruto's beating heart.
So, there was a way to close the 'door', so to speak. Neat!
"Inoichi…" he began, the spark of an idea forming within his mind. "Does your clan know much about telepathy?"
The man seemed a little confused by the question, cocking his head to the side like a puppy listening to a strange noise. The floppy strands of hair that framed his face only contributed to the effect, and Naruto found himself hiding a small smile.
"Well, of course!"
Though Inoichi's mouth remained closed, his voice echoed clearly around the genin's mind. Where some people might have been confused, or even scared of this intrusion, Naruto felt only the swelling sensation of hope bubbling forth. It was absolutely exhilarating, particularly after all this time he'd spent feeling so utterly dejected!
"Most Yamanakas can project their voices into the minds of others at will," the joinin continued, seemingly not noticing his change in emotions. "But we can only do it one person at a time, and we can't read their response in turn. There is a piece of equipment - a helmet of sorts, that we can use to negate those issues… though it costs a lot more chakra to use it. Why do you ask?"
"Well…
Naruto's heart began to sink. It was such a long and tiresome story, and he had no idea where to even start with it all.
When the two of them had talked before, it had been about the day of The Third's funeral. They'd discussed it at length on the first session, and the rest had been all about his emotions.
Haru hadn't even been born at that point. Inoichi knew only about what had originally happened, and nothing else. There was still so much that the man didn't know about, so many details that he'd have to explain so that things made sense.
"There's stuff I didn't tell you," he finally answered, "and lots that's happened since. It's going to take a long time to explain."
"Don't worry about it! I have all the time we need, so talk away!"
The way Inoichi just waved off his concerns was comforting, for some reason. Even just that little bit of comfort helped a lot.
He took a shaky breath, steeling his nerves for the conversation to come.
"So… when we had sessions before, I said I was dealing with some health issues. Because of what happened."
"I remember," Inoichi nodded. "You said that you didn't want to take any medication in case it made you unwell."
"Well, I wasn't lying about that, but I also wasn't really telling you the whole truth either. The thing is, when… you know. When that happened, he used a jutsu on me. I didn't know at the time, not until I passed out a while later, and Tsunade checked me over. Or, at least I had an idea, but it was so crazy that I didn't believe it, but it turned out to be true so I guess technically I did know and-
"I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I was pregnant. It was some jutsu that someone accidentally created, and there was no way to cancel it without killing me, so I had no choice but to have the baby. But now I'm kind of glad, because I have Haru and he's amazing and I love them- him so much and… and I…"
'And I hate myself for being glad about what he did to me'
The words appeared at the forefront of his mind, startlingly clear despite his muddled thoughts. His mouth would not move, refused to say what he'd just realised.
How long had he felt this way? How could he have not realised, this whole time, that something like this had been bothering him?
Inoichi shuffled over to him, producing a tissue from one of his pockets. It took Naruto a few moments to realise that his cheeks were wet. He was crying? Now?
He accepted the tissue, drawing in another shaky breath as he tried to clear the emotions away, just as he'd taught himself to do. He muttered his thanks to the man, who simply nodded and frowned slightly.
"I just… I feel so guilty," he finally continued. "Haru has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I hate that it had to happen this way. I mean, how many people are so fucked up that being assaulted ended up being a good thing!?"
"More than you think, actually."
Naruto froze, staring incredulously at the older blond.
"A lot of people have expressed positive change after traumatic events. They're life-changing, as I'm sure you'll agree, but those changes aren't always bad. Trauma brings people together."
'Don't I know it?'
"Oh, have you gotten close to someone, then?"
Crap, had he said that out loud? Aaaaah! He really didn't want to talk about his mass of feelings for Kakashi right now. But he was supposed to be telling Inoichi everything right? Damn it all, fine. But there's no way in hell that he'd actually say who it was.
"Something like that," he muttered, staring down at the desk.
"Well, that's a good thing! Having someone you can trust when you're feeling down is one of the best ways to help yourself heal, you know. So, how close are you if you don't mind my curiosity?"
"He's indifferent. Meanwhile, I completely fell for him, kissed him when he was too drunk to say no and when he woke up not remembering anything I lied and said that nothing happened, like the selfish coward that I am."
The man seemed a little taken aback by his casual statement, but his expression soon morphed into a smile.
"I see, I see," he replied. "Now, would this person, by chance, happen to be spiky haired, kind of lazy and reads a lot as a hobby?"
Naruto fought back the curse that threatened to spill from his lips, as his cheeks began to grow warm. He'd all but affirmed the question by reaction alone. Was it really that obvious?
"Then, I'd say you needn't worry!" Inoichi continued, correctly reading his expression. "I've spoken to him several times these past few weeks, and he always brings you up. Now I'm no expert when it comes to romance, but I know for a fact that he cares about you more than he lets on."
After what had happened, Naruto had all but given up on Kakashi ever returning his feelings. After all, even if he came clean about what he did, he highly doubted that Kakashi would just forgive him. Not for something this serious.
"So, you don't think he'd hate me? I mean, if I confessed?
"Well I can't say how he feels about you romantically, but I can tell you for certain that he's a good guy. He'd forgive you at the very least, I'm sure."
Naruto released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding; leaning back in his chair.
Of course.
He'd spent so long wrapped up in his own anxieties, that he'd barely even considered how Kakashi would behave, instead simply assuming that he'd react with only hatred. Over the months, he'd made mistake after mistake, and Kakashi had never treated him any differently for it. Even after the whole debacle, where he'd pulled the towel from Kakashi's face, the man had simply accepted it and gone back to how they'd been before then.
Why had he been so sure that this one thing would be so different?
'Because you lied.'
Well, that was true. But he'd lied about Haru, too. He'd lied about everything that happened, at least until Kakashi had appeared while he was in labour. But even then, Kakashi had accepted all that too. He hadn't even asked any questions, just jumped into action to help him.
No, Kakashi would understand. Or he'd maybe be a little angry, but he would look past it, surely.
"Alright," Naruto said, resolving himself. "I'm going to confess to him tonight."
Inoichi's grin was contagious, and this time Naruto made no attempt to hide his returning smile. There was a sense of elation, of anxiety and anticipation all mixing together in the pit of his stomach, leaving him feeling strangely giddy!
"Then I wish you the best of luck!" Inoichi replied. "Be sure to come back and let me know how it went, alright?"
"I will!"
He would do this. He would sit down with Kakashi, and tell him everything. No more lies, no more pretending. And if Kakashi didn't feel the same way… well, he would just have to deal with it. It would hurt of course, but Naruto had dealt with so much already, what was one more heartbreak to add to the pile? It would still feel better than the horrific guilt that continued to build within him.
Speaking of which...
"So... yeah, I was pregnant. It was getting really hard to sleep sometimes, so one day I fell asleep while I was waiting for my teammates to show up. I had a nightmare about… about Itachi. I woke up shouting his name, and Sasuke was there.
"He was really upset, because I said that name. And because I was tired and confused, and didn't understand what he was asking, he used a genjutsu to find out why I said that. He saw the part of the nightmare I'd just had, and he thought I had done it willingly. He thought that Itachi and I were, you know, in a relationship or something.
"So, he left. I tried to go after him but I went into labour, and it was too soon but it was happening regardless. I was looking after Pakkun - Kakashi's ninken at the time and he summoned Kakashi for me. He delivered Haru, and carried me to the hospital. He's Haru's godfather now."
Naruto paused for a moment, giving Inoichi time to let the information sink in. In all honesty, he'd expected to feel more emotional about this whole thing… but after reaching his resolution earlier, it just didn't seem to matter all that much.
"So you were premature?" The man asked. "By how long?"
"I gave birth after three months," Naruto replied. "But Haru was completely fine. I didn't know that was bad until we got to the hospital."
Inoichi's eyes grew wide for a moment, before his brows furrowed. Naruto continued before he could ask the question that was no doubt on his lips.
"It's kind of a long story, but basically while I was giving birth the jutsu that Itachi used sealed a part of the Kyuubi into Haru. Or, at least we think that's what happened. And that, plus my super fast healing rate, means that Haru grew at something like three times the speed he should have grown.
"His left eye looks like the Kyuubi's eye, so we cover it with a bandage. The story is that he was born half blind, and for some reason he can see even with the bandage covering him so it's kind of believable. The thing is, that's not the only… inheritance.
"His chakra might be mixing with the Kyuubi's chakra, so he might be able to use it naturally when he gets older. And apparently his mind is developing too fast. Like I said, he was growing three times as fast before he was born but that went mostly back to normal afterwards. But he's said his first word at six months old. Tsunade said that's a really young age. He keeps trying to do things that a two or three year old would do apparently. "
The basement was silent for several moments, as Naruto waited for Inoichi to respond. The man had been too quiet for too long now, and it was making him feel rather nervous.
"So, given the dates you mentioned… Haru would be turning one year old soon, right? And he's in some ways acting three times his age?"
Aah, finally. Naruto turned the question over in his mind for a moment. What was the date today? He knew it was close to Haru's birthday, but when exactly was it?
"Oh, it's his birthday tomorrow," He realised eventually. "It's been pretty rough these past few days so it all kind of blurred together."
"Well then, you'll have to wish him a happy birthday for me!"
"I will do! And yeah, he knows how to ask for food and how to tell us what he wants now. Like he can't really say a lot of words but he knows that some words have meaning to them. That's kind of scary, though..."
As he trailed off, Naruto could feel Inoichi's gaze on him, even as he stared at the desk. He'd anticipated this being the hardest thing to talk about, of course, but now that he'd reached it, his mouth had dried up.
"I know it can be hard to talk about these things sometimes. Take your time, though. You don't have to rush through it. If it helps, you can talk about it as if you're looking at it from an outsider's point of view."
The advice came to him unbidden, echoing through his suddenly empty mind. Those same words that Inoichi had spoken to him, on one of their first sessions. When he had to describe exactly what it was that had happened on the day of the hokage's funeral.
An outsider, huh.
"I went for a walk, a few months ago now. I don't know why, but I went a random way and came across this basement. I found the letter here, and it put me in shock I think. I just turned around and left, and I went to the memorial stone for a while."
"It must have been a pretty big shock indeed, finally discovering your bloodline," Inoichi mumbled. "I'm glad you could find out, though. Like I said I really wanted to tell you myself… your father and I were drinking buddies once upon a time. If the third hadn't put that rule in place, I swear I would have told you."
"And like I said, it's okay. Though maybe you could tell me a story or two some time?"
"I'd like that."
That would be amazing. Naruto could only imagine what his father would have gotten up to when he was drinking. Maybe they were alike, and Minato had a really high tolerance like he did!
But the fondness that enveloped him in that moment was tinged with sorrow. He would never get to meet his parents, no matter how many stories he could listen to.
Naruto shook his head. Now was not the time; they had a conversation to finish. And he really wanted to get it over with.
"I wish that that was the end of the story," He continued, "But it's not. Because while I was at the memorial stone… Itachi found me again."
Naruto had never felt the atmosphere of a room change so suddenly before. He didn't know if it was because he was talking about this incident for the first time, or if it was the way Inoichi's shoulders tensed up, but the comfortable warmth he'd felt before was diminishing, and fast.
"It was eight months after the first time at that point, so he was expecting to see me heavily pregnant. He told me he'd been planning on forcing me into labour and taking Haru away with him. I tried to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about and I ran, but he caught me in a genjutsu and read my memories. So he knew what happened.
"He was angry. Really angry. And he took it out on me. He forced his… his thing in my mouth. And he sprayed it all on my face. I was starting to black out, I think, or going numb or something when Kakashi appeared just before he was going to do it again. He made Itachi back away and helped me go home."
His hands were shaking. He clenched them tight, tight enough that it hurt but it wouldn't stop.
"Did you talk to anyone about this?" Inoichi asked him, placing a gentle hand over his own.
"Not exactly. When I came to my senses more, Kakashi was telling me about how he knew where I was. I haven't spoken about it at all since then, not until now."
"You really should have come seen me, you know. I can't imagine how tough it must have been to bottle that up."
"It wasn't that bad, really. I felt okay the next day, so-"
No, that wasn't true. He'd been having mood swings and far worse nightmares since that day, right? Only, it'd been masked behind his guilt around the alcohol situation this whole time. Looking back, it made so much sense. Inoichi had taught him to manage these emotions the first time. But as he grew to no longer need those coping strategies he'd forgotten about them, at least until now.
He explained as much to Inoichi, and the conversation petered off for a moment. It really was a day for realisation today, it seemed.
"So, you said that Haru having more advanced development is scary earlier, right?"
Yeah. That would be a good place to continue.
"Well, yeah. The thing is, Kakashi had taken Haru for a walk and met Tsunade at the time that happened to me. When I was panicking, Haru was panicking too. He activated the sharingan. Kakashi used his sharingan to connect with his and he could see as if through my vision.
"What I'm trying to say, is we think Haru and I are telepathically linked. So he might have seen what happened. Even if he didn't see what happened, we're pretty sure he felt it… I mean, experiencing that much fear when you're too young to fully understand it would be a surefire way to trigger the sharingan, wouldn't it?
"I just want it to stop. Every time I have a nightmare, or I get emotional, or I just have a bad day… Haru does too. It's not fair on him. Is there anything you could do to stop this? I'm running out of ideas and I can't keep putting him through that for much longer-"
"As a matter of fact, there is."
At Inoichi's words, Naruto's heart threatened to burst through his chest.
"You're sure? Absolutely sure!?"
As the man laughed, he couldn't help but laugh along with him. He could finally free Haru from this curse! His son would be able to live happily once more!
"As members of the Yamanaka clan, telepathy is one of the first techniques we learn. But the thing is, for a lot of people, it's very hard to turn the technique off after they've successfully used it."
Naruto nodded his head, somewhat impatiently as the older blond continued his explanation.
"Since it happens quite often, we developed a jutsu to remedy it. Essentially, a more experienced Yamanaka member can enter the person's mindscape, and help them to create a kind of doorway that can be opened and closed at will. It takes practice at first, but soon they can shut down the telepathic connection any time they want to."
Mindscape… where had he heard that term before?
It was during one of their sessions. Something about meditation.
Aah, right. There was a kind of room inside his mind, and he could meditate to get there. The Kyuubi's cage was part of that, if he remembered right.
"So, can we do it now?" Naruto asked. "Or is there some kind of technology we need?"
"Oh, we can do it right away if you want to."
Naruto very much wanted to. The sooner he could close this connection, the sooner Haru could be free!
"Alright. It's going to be hard for you to meditate in this condition, so I'm going to use a simple jutsu to help you enter your mindscape. Once you're in there, I'll use a second technique to follow you inside, and we can work from there. Does that sound good?"
The teen nodded. That would be easy!
He perched himself on top of the desk, waiting on Inoichi. The older blond stood before him, untying his headband and laying it down on the desk beside him. He placed his right hand into a half ram seal, with his left hand coming to rest atop Naruto's head.
"Close your eyes now," Inoichi told him, as he began to channel chakra.
The genin obliged, marvelling in the way his senses seemed to fade. Soon he could no longer feel the hand upon his forehead, nor the cold desk that he'd been sitting on. He was… numb, but also not numb.
The sound of running water reached his ears, accompanied by the smell of wet fur and damp walls. He deigned to open his eyes once more, but he could barely see anything in the pitch darkness that he was seemingly enveloped in.
He stumbled forward, feet splashing through several inches of water, but he could not seem to find anything to orient himself. He was in an empty expanse, it seemed. Crouching, he dipped a hand into the water. It was faint, but it felt like there was a current running towards his left. That must be the way he should go, then.
Without warning, a presence appeared beside him. In such confusing darkness, it took several moments for Naruto to remember that Inoichi had intended to follow him.
"Where are we?" he asked, turning to where he thought the man was standing.
"I believe this is your mindscape," The older blond replied, his voice sounding from behind him. "Do you think you could turn on a light?"
"Turn on a- you're kidding, right? How am I supposed to do that?"
Naruto would have pulled a face at him, were it not for the fact that he wouldn't be able to see it.
"By imagining it, of course. Didn't you know? Your mindscape is the center of your imagination! If you want something to appear, you can will it into existence!"
Surely that was impossible. Mindscape or not, there would be no way he could just… make things happen. No, that couldn't be possible.
Despite the darkness, Naruto could feel Inoichi staring in his direction. He waited for the man to crack, to start laughing and tell him how to really do it… but that moment never came.
'Okay. Might as well try it, I guess.'
Feeling like an idiot, he tried to envision some kind of light. But what light? Fire? That's too dangerous. And even if he did create fire there's too much water around. Then, what about those strange glass cages some people use? Where there's fire inside, kept safe from anything else.
Yeah, that would work.
To the teen's utter surprise, two fire cages appeared before him, lighting up the surrounding area. He reached towards the handle, expecting his hand to pass straight through it. The metal was warm to the touch, and rather heavier than he'd expected. He'd been so sure that the cage would slip through his fingers that he almost dropped it as gravity took its hold once more.
From behind him, Inoichi reached for his own fire cage. He seemed more confident, though, grabbing it as one would any real object.
"Lanterns, eh?" He remarked. "Good choice. I wasn't sure what to expect!"
So, that's what they were called. Naruto stored that nugget of information for later, turning slowly around as he held the lantern into the air. Even with the added firelight, only murky water seemed to stretch away from them on all sides, and he found himself a little disappointed.
A tap on the arm brought his attention back to the older blond beside him. He seemed expectant, as though there was something he should be doing. Was he waiting for something?
Maybe he was looking for a better light or something. Or better visibility. Could he imagine anything in this place? Was there even a limit for this kind of thing?
Well, there was no harm in trying, he supposed.
This time, he pictured the darkness as something more tangible. A fog of sorts, swirling into itself as though a gentle breeze was attempting to shift it. He willed the wind to pick up, until the fog-darkness began to recede under its power. It soon disappeared, revealing… a sewer.
A vast, waterlogged corridor that stretched endlessly in both directions, with tall walls broken only by other intersecting corridors. It was a maze, with no indicators for the pair to determine their location besides the gentle current that Naruto had noted earlier.
He turned to Inoichi, ready to ask what they were to do next, but a deep, rumbling voice cut over him.
"I can sense you," it growled, and Naruto could feel its vibrations deep within his chest. "It's about time you came to visit."
In that very moment, the pair was hit with an intense feeling of dread. It sank its claws into them, accompanied by burning heat that made Naruto feel as though his skin would peel from his bones.
The stifling fear awoke a memory within him; a brief glimpse of the bridge back in Wave Country. He'd been so upset when Sasuke had gone down; so angry that he thought he would explode. There had been a tendril of power deep within him and he'd grasped at it, pulling until his chakra swelled like an angry bear and his vision had grown foggy. It had felt just like this, and now that he was feeling it again he was finally able to understand its source.
Inoichi had fallen to his knees as the crushing force of the Kyuubi's chakra overwhelmed him. Naruto supposed he would probably have done the same, but after spending so long wallowing in his own despair, he found it to be kind of nostalgic. The chakra was a throwback to times long passed, when his only concerns had been about becoming hokage and one-upping Sasuke.
He sure had grown up since then, huh.
Of all the memories that appeared, the sensation of power filling his coils was easily the most vivid. It was as though he truly was absorbing the horrible chakra as the sewer around him began to fade, and bright sunlight pierced his vision.
It was as if all of a sudden he'd been transported back, viewing the scene through his own eyes but not able to change it. He was but a spectator as moments flickered in and out of view.
Sasuke hitting the ground, covered in senbon. The biting cold of Haku's ice technique, Sakura's hopeless scream. A red mist descending over his senses, then darkness.
Neji's expression, as he took in Naruto's Kyuubi-enhanced chakra. The satisfying crack that his jaw made on the end of the teen's fist. Then the thud as he finally hit the ground, unmoving, marking Naruto as the victor of their fight.
Gaara's half-transformation, pinning Sakura to a tree with one giant sand arm. His full transformation into Shukaku, the rushing of wind past Naruto's ears as he summoned gamabunta. The strange sensation of becoming one with the toad, using henge to become a visage of the Kyuubi for a short while.
The hokage's funeral. Standing in silent lines, mourning the old man's death. Naruto escaping the crowd, running to somewhere far away where he could train- Oh. Oh Gods, no.
Naruto didn't know the purpose of these memories, but even he could see where they were going. It was one thing to have flashbacks to those events, to relive the nightmares as though watching them from an outsider's perspective, but no matter how vivid they were they were simply memories.
But this? These specific memories? They were as realistic as they could get. Every ache, every change in temperature… he could feel them. He might as well have been experiencing them, in full, all over again.
'Please, no…' He begged, 'Gods, please, don't make me go through this!'
But in the end, no divine intervention would come to bail him out. Naruto was alone, trapped in the echoes of his own horrific memories.
/\/\/\/
There's so much I need to say in this note, so I'm sorry, but it's going to be a long one.
In order to continue writing this story I've had to refresh myself on things that happened in previous chapters. So that's what I did. But as I read through more of my content I've discovered so much missing information, or little plot points that I added once and never talked about again. I'm going to try to rectify this as much as I can but as a result this chapter just comes across as a retcon for me. But unless I rewrite a large portion of the fic, there's no real way to fix that.
I can't believe I never once talked about Tsunade putting Naruto under some counsel to at least begin to deal with his emotions. And that thing about Haru's mind developing faster than his body? Yeah I could have sworn I mentioned that several chapters ago, but I couldn't see any trace of it. There's so much I missed and it's really frustrating to go back and see them now. Also I can't believe I've had all these scenes written in Kakashi's house and not once mentioned his pack of ninken. Yes, that's foreshadowing for the next chapter. ETA: Fuck. I've just realised I never talked about Haru's speech besides that one "Ka" either. Aaaaah I'm such a bad writer, lmao.
Maybe I should do little story cuts at the bottom of each chapter with some of the missing scenes. I do that in one of my fics on my main account actually.
Speaking of which, I have some news. It's only taken me… huh, over a year now - but I finally feel comfortable with showing you readers to my main account. At the time I was anxious about people seeing this darker side of me and not wanting to associate with me any more, so I locked it away. But over this past year I've worked to push through those anxieties.
You can find me on AO3, FFN and Twitter right now. I'm also on DeviantArt, Tumblr, Facebook and Instagram, but I'm not really keeping up with those all that much anymore.
You should be able to find all of the above pages by searching for LabraBell. Yep, that's me. Knock yourselves out on my rookie art and less dark fics.
This chapter has been in production since late December/early January, by the way. I very nearly burned out on this chapter, and in fact, there's about 60% of the content here that I'd originally intended to write. So the next chapter will contain the other 40% plus some other parts that should tie the story together pretty well. Here's hoping.