The Obama Ta- I mean Cool Kid Saves the Cats
Chapter 20: Just Say No to Suck, and Reaganomics
Attention! All Loyal Citizens of the Empire! Your Supreme Leader has an Important Message about the Dangers of the Evil Drug Menace!
"Hi Kids, Cool and otherwise, Ronald Reagan here. Of all the evils in this world, none is so great than the epidemic that is killing millions of innocent lives across the world. I am talking of course about Commulism… Ha ha ha. But seriously, there is nothing affecting the American youth more than Drugs. And of all the Drugs, the Suck is king.
"You see, it all began in 1967, I was a young, hot, new Governor of Californ I A. Thats California for you outside the 'know'. Ha ha. But there I was, old young Ronald Reagan, getting ready to start my new job. The researchers in California had presented me with a new experimental medicine that they had been working on, one that they hoped would cure nerve damage. Of course, my nerves were fresh as a jiffy, so I had half the mind to kill the project there. But I am much too smart for that, Kids. I knew that I could work the ol' Reagan magic to work some profit off of this. So I trickled down some of my secret Reagan sauce into the medicine, creating a profound reaction. We quickly went to the inter-city to begin human testing. Ha ha…
"Are you following along Kids? Uncle Reagan's story doesn't end just yet. We had developed what would be called the Suck, but what exactly is it? How did it get like this? Why won't my demons cease listing the multitude of my sins every night as I lie awake, for the past six years, never ceasing, never giving me a single solitary moment of rest? It's because of the Space Fleet. You all know about the American Space Fleet, but what you might not know is that I had begun building it in 1969. The Starship Reaganomics, first in its class was well on its way to completion, but there was always a risk of the plans falling into Soviet hands. Thats where the Suck comes in.
"The Suck, in its base, affects the Nervous system. The Suck enters from the point of injection, usually the ass if you're not a coward, and makes its way up your nerve staircase until it reaches the top. That's your Brian, Kids. There the Suck hacks into your nervous system, like a little hacker on a mission, and changes your vision. Instead of viewing the real world, your brain sees a distorted, patriotic, reality, with scenes of eagles, liberty, genocide, and Presidential cock and ball torture, filling your senses. It's similar to an LSD trip, if you were also watching a copy of 1776 on VHS that switched to the Iran Contra Affair Porn Parody halfway through. That is your brain on Suck.
"Naturally, everyone who worked on the spaceship was high on Suck the entire time, so they could not give our secrets to the Ruskies. But we were too careless. After the Starship Reaganomics was destroyed, its entire supply of Suck crashed onto the United States, filling our streets and corrupting our youths. Today, in the current year of 1986, 2 out of every 10 American children will die from the Suck. Look at your own classroom. How many of you are in there? A fun activity you can try in schools is to count off by 10, everyone who says 1 or 2 will die of Suck.
"You scared yet children, you should be. There is no known cure for the Suck, that you can afford. But we can treat it. Doctors have found that the most successful way of treating people who have been damaged by the Suck, is Mass Incarceration. If you or a loved one is addicted to the Suck, call your local Police Officer. Together, we can overcome, and protect America's children from this unfortunate epidemic."
"Thank you Ronald Reagan, now here's Barack Obama with the weather"
"Sa-"