Cool Kid Saves the Cats
Chapter 23: The First Solution
"Comrade?"
"Yes, Альберт?"
"Are we really going to win this war?"
Виктор laughs. "Of course we are comrade. We are already in Berlin! All we need to do is find Hitler and чмокни его сиськи и назови его русским словом!"
"Yes! Thank you comrade Виктор! You always know just what to say! Now, let's storm this place and make Hitler regret even having an ЧАС in his name!"
"Da!"
"Da!"
"Da!" says Stalin, along with them.
Kinda far away, but not so far away that suicide was looking like a pretty good option right about now, Hitler was hiding out in his bunker with his wife.
"Oh Hitler my love! What are we going to do? I don't want to die!" Hitler hisses and smacks here foot.
"Silence, stinkig! I am thinking…"
"Please think harder dear! Please!"
"Mrs. Adolf! I cannot think with you making noise all the time! Please be silent!"
"Oh but my loves! We are going to-"
BOOM
"Does this look like the right place?"
"I don't know...how drunk are you right now?"
"I drank five cups of vodka."
"Ah, so not very drunk at all."
Mrs. Adolf whimpered in fear. "My love...it is only a matter of minutes…" Hitler took a deep breath and looked at her.
"I am aware my love...and I know what I must do…" He gets up and walks over to the cow that was sitting in the basement with them. He touches its nostril, and it transforms into a giant blue machine.
"W….what is that my love?"
"It is a giant blue machine. But I call it, my time travel device! Or, Zeitfahrgerät for short. Unfortunately, it can only go into the future. Like that one episode of Futurama."
"What the hell!? Why didn't you use that the whole time!?"
"Well you see my love….I was planning on using it...for him." He opens up the trap door below him and pulls up a crying baby. "He needs it more than we do."
"Where does that trap door lead? How long has it been here?"
"It leads to South America and it's been here since I built it a few months ago. But that is not the point, we must save this child!"
"Why? I mean, if we need to save him sure, but why can't we all go?"
"Well you see….the time machine can only be used once, then it breaks forever."
"What? Why?"
"Well, it only goes forward. No sense in having it here still if I can't use it again. And there's only enough space in there for one human." In reality, he could have used it as many times as he wanted, and could fit as many people in there as he wanted, but he felt stupid for not thinking of this earlier and didn't want his wife to be right and make fun of him. "So you see, this is how it must be."
"I but…"
"You don't understand! This is a clone of one of my soldiers! He is the biggest most Epos scientific advancement in all of history! He must go to the future! He can start my regime again! He can bring about my power once more!"
"I-"
"Ah! What is his name you ask? Well I haven't decided yet...either Cooles Kind or….something better….oh well, we'll figure that out."
"Hitler! Wait!"
"Okay, in you go!" He throws the baby clone into the machine and sends him into the future. "Now we are saved. Figuratively of course."
Mr.s Adolf stares at him in astonishment. "Well...what are we going to do now?" Hitler scratches his chin and ponders.
"Did you take your vitamin pill?"
"That stupid thing in my tooth? No. It's stupid!"
"Die Schlampe!" He pulls out his pistol and shoots her in the head. The bullet goes through her head, and ricochets off the pipe behind her, then hits him in the head, killing both of them.
A few minutes after they die, the door bursts open.
"Oh no! He is dead already!"
"This makes me and you sad!"
"It's okay, Альберт, let's go get drunk."
"Da."
While the two left to go get drunk, the baby Nazi clone was being sent into the future. While there, he will help establish the fourth reich! Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOO-
"Wait? What is happening?" asks Ant-Drew, the author.
"What do you mean?" Ask Eric Andre in response.
"What does this have to do with anything?"
"It's chapter 23 man! Come on! Didn't you read chapter 16! Come on!"
"Chapter 16? Wasn't I there for that one too?"
"Yeah you were! And look! It says right here!" He clears his throat. "Cool Kid Saves the Cats: Chapter 16: The Interview. Paragraph 31, line 1: 'So tell me Cool Kid, how are you dealing with the fact that you're actually a clone of a Nazi from World War II that was sent into the future to help start the fourth reich?'"
"Is it really fair to call that paragraph 31 when all of the paragraphs are a line long?"
"The point is! It is there, it is written, it is FACT! And this is explaining it! We can't leave everybody hanging and just pretend that didn't happen!"
"Yeah….but didn't you say that was from a different story like, 5 lin- paragraphs later?"
"No, that was me when I was Cody White. Completely different person."
"So...does that make it wrong then? Or uh...right then?"
"Of course!"
"Uh...well, I say that whole chapter wasn't canon so…."
"HOW DARE YOU! Hannibal! What do you say?"
Hannibal shrugs. "I just wanna sleep man."
"I'll let you sleep if you tell Eric he is wrong.
"NO!"
"Deal. Eric, you wrong, dumbass." Eric screams in pain, then turns into dust. Hannibal falls asleep.
"Well….that's done with. See you guys next chapter! Don't worry, Cool Kid isn't actually a Nazi from the past sent to create the fourth Reich. That would be so uncool."