Wearing your own clothes again shouldn't be so restorative especially with a shot up shoulder and cuts and bruises still adorning your face alongside a headache and pain where the slightest sudden movement can leave him white-knuckled and ready to fall to his knees with the dizziness and shock of it.
Still, Jay feels almost like he could skip out of the hospital, so relieved he is to get out of here, to be able to attempt to sleep in his own bed, a place he never thought he'd see again not that long ago.
He's readying himself for leaving when Hailey appears with his phone and his badge. More steps back to normalcy and a helping hand with his jacket.
It's not just that though, she brings with her a hesitancy he notices her hold for just a moment too long, a nervousness that he doesn't associate with Hailey Upton.
"Listen, um, when you were in surgery, no one knew what was gonna happen and it made me realize I wanted to tell you something."
She says it, halfway between looking at him and looking away and Jay's in this place of wondering what she means while a little voice in his head says something else.
He gets out, 'Okay," offering her what he hopes is an encouraging smile, curious but suddenly nervous in a way he's not experienced since…
Yeah, since.
Except like it's a cliche from every movie or tv show he ever saw that when the protagonist says something or has something important to say, the bell goes, the phone goes, anything to delay the inevitable and what do you know, his cell rings.
They share another glance before he crosses the short distance to the bed and picks up the phone, feels his heart lift slightly on seeing its Bobby but Hailey asks and she's right, he needs to let go.
Somehow Hailey makes it seem easy, makes it feel okay to let go.
He lost this battle, lost this way to make things better for Bobby and his mom, complicated everything in the process and now he's left with nothing other than the chance to focus on the small victory that he's still there, that she is too.
Tossing the phone back onto the bed, his thoughts return to Hailey's words before they were interrupted.
"What were you going to say?"
He thinks just for a fraction of a second, she'll tell him but there's a tiny shift in the way she stands and a small sad sort of smile before she says she'll bring the car around and then she's gone.
And part of him wonders if she just let go in the way she told him to let go too.
They barely speak in the car on the way back to Jay's. Jay feels tired. Like he needs to take some painkillers and sleep for a week.
He leans his head against the window, thinking of what Hailey had said or more what she hadn't.
The gentle movement of the car lulls him to sleep, however, and he only wakes up when Hailey calls his name.
"You okay? You need me to help you walk or?"
He gives her a look, and she grins, holds her hands up in surrender and waits as he climbs out of the car then she shuts the door and locks the car before they walk slowly together to the elevator up to his floor.
Ten minutes later and he's shrugged off his jacket and slumped onto his couch, loosening the sling slightly before he lets his head fall back against the cushions behind him then looks around him, at this place and all its familiarity, all the things he really believed he may never see again.
In the background, he hears a tap running before it's turned off and Hailey's by his side, placing the paper bag of medication on the table in front of the couch and the water in front of Jay.
They exchange a glance and she smiles as she sits down, picking up the medication bag again and pulling out the tablets.
"You don't need to Hailey, you can go home, I got this."
She fixes him with a look that says she doesn't believe him, and it's his turn to hold his hands up in surrender.
"You think I don't realize that if your dad was stubborn, you and your brother kinda took that mold and broke it between yourselves real good so yeah, I'm staying tonight whether or not you want me to, someone has to keep an eye on you so quit arg-."
"That's okay, I'm not arguing," he replies with a smile.
Hailey opens her mouth to protest before Jay's words register and she gives him a sidelong glance filled with suspicion.
"Just when I think I got you figured out, you throw that out there."
"Full of surprises, that's me."
"Don't I know it," she takes out two tablets from the separate boxes and blister packs and hands them to Jay who dutifully takes them, "How ya feeling? Think you'll sleep?" she asks him as she takes away the glass from him and places it back onto the table.
It's a good question and not long back, he'd have laid money that he would sleep and soundly but now he's here, now it feels like he should embrace being back here and the normalcy of it all, he feels edgy again, anxious even and he can't stop the words tumbling out.
"She told me I deserved to die, Angela, that is."
He's aware of Hailey shifting slightly next to him, as aware as he is of himself trembling, of moisture stinging his eyes and his free hand shakily running over his face, resting against his chin and this need suddenly to get angry at what happened that's intertwined with despair and a fear that Angela was right.
"She was angry Jay, she was in pain and not just physically, she was afraid too and you either lash out and attack or you run and you shut up."
She reaches for his hand, squeezing it gently.
"You know for what it's worth, I'm 1 person who doesn't think you deserve to die, then there's Will, and I'm pretty sure everyone in intelligence is on board with us and Trudy too and that's just for starters Jay, you matter, you matter so much."
He says nothing; the words don't really register as he suddenly feels so tired, he just stares at her hand in his.
Watches her as she looks anywhere but at him and maybe it's the tablets, maybe it's not, maybe it's a strange clarity of thought that could only come upon him when he's tired, in pain and filled with memories of a conversation they'd had once before, the way she walked away when she opened up and how it reminds him of earlier, except this time she'd left before she said what she'd planned.
He opens his mouth and as quickly as he does; he closes it, squeezes his eyes shut and then just like the time his mom had pushed him off on his bike for the first time without stabilizers, he keeps them shut and ignores everything he said about being nothing but careful again.
"I'd follow you blind too, Hailey. Any day, I know I said I'd follow you anywhere, and I meant it but I don't know it was different then, it's different now or at least it feels like it is."
He opens his eyes then, her hand still in his, her expression unreadable to most but clear to him, a hopeful sort of look that he feels himself, could almost reach out and touch that feeling.
"So I'm saying it again because I want you to believe it I want you to know that there's nothing you could tell me that would phase me. Nothing that would change us, except I think for the better," then quieter but no less intent or certain he adds, "I trust you."
Hailey nods, this smile that's so fleeting on her face before she gently pulls her hand from his, scraping it through her hair as she shakes her head slightly.
"Oh man, you know it's so tempting to say what I wanted to say earlier especially now, except that moment's gone, Jay, you just broke down about what Angela said to you and I don't want to wake up tomorrow or in the middle of the night if you can't sleep or whatever and realize that nothing about tonight was good timing."
Jay nods slowly, "Well that's okay because I'll be here tomorrow too and the day after that and the one after that too, there's no time limit."
"Don't go promising shit you know we can't guarantee in this job Jay, especially after this," Hailey gestures towards Jay's shoulder.
"Okay, but you know what I mean."
"Yeah, I do," Hailey shakes her head as if she's trying to convince herself it's the best idea too before she continues, "Now you wanna get to bed? I can make it up for you, I had a friend once who broke her arm and I looked after her and made sure she had a hundred and one pillows propping her up," then with a grin, she adds, "well, maybe four."
He smiles at her, relieved that they're back to normal, or as close to normal as they could be after all that's been, but then she raises her eyebrows and he remembers there was a question.
"Just talk to me, sleep can wait."
"About what?"
"The case, Kev, his brother, just normal stuff."
"Really? You want to talk work?" she raises her eyebrows.
"That's as normal as it gets for us, right?"
She purses her lips, deep in thought for all of two seconds and then shrugs, "True, okay so it all started with."
He watches her as she talks, so at ease and used to her voice and the place it has in his life, the ache in his shoulder easing with the tablets, relaxation slowly starting to settle in him, he doubts he could sleep even if he wanted to, it's soothing enough on its own to have Hailey here despite all that's been, despite what was almost said at the hospital and again tonight, nothing has changed.
And that's what says the most to him, that's what has him thinking and deciding even as she continues to talk and eventually falls back against the cushions on the couch, relaxing next to him finally her head leaning on his good shoulder as she does and as he casts sidelong glances at her before his eyes feel heavier, his last thought before he falls asleep is simply, why not tomorrow?