A warning that the first part of this chapter is a little graphic. Also, I split up what was 2 chapters originally here.

There's a resounding boom that blows him off his feet and Jay blacks out for a moment, awareness comes with ringing in his ears and the smell of smoke and what he realizes quickly is charred flesh.

He opens his eyes, wishes instantly he hadn't when he tries to lift himself up and look around all he sees is dead bodies. His friends, his colleagues, guys he was talking to just minutes before about going home, about Christmas.

Now it's only him who'll experience Christmas and the reality of that hits home as he chokes out a tiny sob and then he staggers to his feet, hears a voice that's familiar but feels oddly placed here and now, in this place.

"You deserve to die"

Jay shakes his head, which is a bad move because his head feels like it'll fall off, but that's better than a shot from the gun she's holding.

"Angela, no, please don't do this."

She does it and the pain is agonizing, he can't breathe, all he's aware of is a rogue tear on his cheek until suddenly his airway clears, the pain lessens and someone calls his name and he lashes out and hears a satisfying thump before he hears his name called again and he opens his eyes expecting to see nothing except maybe the last few seconds of blue sky he'll ever see in his life.

"That's right Jay, come back, it's okay you're safe, you're home."

Will?

"Yeah, yeah, it's me."

He hadn't realized he said it out loud, and he glances warily at his brother before glancing around the room, his bedroom, everything in its rightful place except for the pillows are on the floor and his brother's hair which looks messier than usual and the trickle of blood that's running from his nose.

Jay grimaces, guilty rapidly filling every part of him as he watches Will. "I'm sorry."

Will's shaking his head and murmuring that it doesn't matter except he looks freaked out, looks like he wants to sit down on Jay's bed but is afraid to almost and that wakes Jay up properly more than anything.

Haunted by too many tales of vets who'd gone home different to how they were before, not obviously sometimes, just this creeping realization to their families that the man in their life had changed, maybe for good.

Jay's worked so hard at avoiding that, even in the times he was in denial, pushing it down below the surface like he was a swan but with legs frantically pushing upwards, he always tried not to let it show, tried not to hurt other people with it.

As long as it hurt just him, it wasn't great, but it was better than the other option, like now.

"It's okay Will, I'm okay and I won't do that again." The words sound hollow to him because that's a promise he can't make, not until he can control his actions when he's asleep, anyway.

Will gives him a look but sits on the edge of the bed, eyes looking toward the door for a second before he looks back at Jay.

"You deserve to die, did someone say that to you in Afghanistan or?"

Jay hesitates before he says yes, which is the undoing of the lie even before he's tried to embellish it.

"Is it to do with what happened when you were kidnapped, before that?" Will asks, gesturing towards the sling.

Jay usually appreciates so much how smart all the people around him are. It's what's saved his life many times in his job. He doesn't know exactly how many lives Will's saved in his career, but he'd like to bet it's many. Right now though, he wishes he was dumb. Stupidest kid in school.

He presses his lips together, avoids Will's penetrating stare, and softly replies. "Yeah."

"The lady who shot you or the guys who kidnapped you?"

"Like it matters?" Jay doesn't know why he reacts so sharply aside from the fact that Will is pressing too many buttons he's not ready to have pressed yet.

Will is smart so thankfully he senses it, holds his hands up and shakes his head.

"Okay, it doesn't really matter except if you can't sleep or having trouble sleeping because of what some lowlife sai-."

"She's not a fucking lowlife, man." Jay interrupts, his voice raised.

Too late he realizes his mistake, sees the flicker of recognition in Will's eyes and he wants to crawl under the bedclothes except he's not got the energy suddenly, and there's a nagging pain in his shoulder that has him suddenly wanting his mom.

Will edges closer, drops his hand onto Jay's right knee that's out from under the bedclothes, and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"Okay, I'm sorry man, she's wrong though and I will make sure I keep reminding you of that each day if I have to, like some cliche message I send each morning."

Jay smiles slightly at that.

"Hailey said pretty much the same thing."

"Yeah? Did ya listen to her more than you'll listen to me or what?"

The shrug with one shoulder is all the response Will gets, and it's a sign of how concerned he is, how much he's second-guessing everything right now with Jay or measuring him carefully that he says, "Okay, now how about some of your meds to stop those lines of pain that are breaking out all over your forehead right now?"

Jay nods, "Thank you."

Will pats his knee and then gets up, moves to walk out of the room and then turns back.

"If you're struggling Jay, please let us in, let us support you 'kay?"

He's out the room before Jay can put on his best 'of course I will' expression which they both know would be a lie and Jay's unfathomably grateful for it.

The light's fading fast as the evening sets in and on the TV is a cartoon that's probably designed for 5-year-olds and yet Will's been laughing on and off for the last couple of hours, if it wasn't so amusing, if it wasn't because he's covertly filmed Will during the last couple of hours, he'd be going out of his mind by now.

Instead, it's good, and it's what he needed and he feels clearer, he's in less pain now and he's full for the first time in days after Will had cooked up some mac 'n cheese.

Will glances at his watch and sighs.

"When you gotta go in?" Jay asks.

"Hour, it's okay Hailey said she'd be over in forty-five so plenty of time to get to Med."

Jay purses his lips, then narrows his eyes suspiciously and gently punches his brother's arm.

"You two taking shifts for me or what?"

"What, no?" Will cannot lie for shit and at Jay's withering glance, he amends his answer, "Okay, maybe a little, I will concede you look better tonight, but that's not been the case these last few days."

"But it has been 3 days and you got to trust that I'm a grown man who can take care of myself at some point Will."

"Oh, don't worry, tomorrow you'll be on your lonesome most of the day and you'll be begging to see me."

"Yeah right," Jay snorts.

"Anyway, I bet you don't complain like this when Hailey's here." Will gives him this sidelong glance, which when Jay returns the look, he accompanies with a wink.

"Will, she's my partner."

"Okay, sure." Will sounds anything but sure and the smirk on his face right now is just too unbearably smug and the "Your partner," which he says with air quotes for 'partner' has Jay laughing despite himself.

"Someone's blushing," Will teases.

"I'm not it's hot in here because someone always has to blast it even when it's toasty warm already, anyway yes she is my partner in the work sense and she just likes to come over and tell me about what's gone on upstairs so I'm not too far behind when I go back."

Once upon a time, Jay spent the weekend with friends in California, his buddy Manny had moved there after Afghanistan, set up a business. Manny had 3 daughters, one of whom one night had introduced Jay to the world of gifs, and there's one gif that reminds Jay of Will's face right now.

"Don't you 'Sure Jan' me, William Halstead or we can go at this all night."

"You wouldn't dare?"

"Try me."

They share a look and a grin. It feels like too long since they did this and Jay's beyond grateful despite everything, despite his nights and the worst of his memories.