Last one for tonight - will add some more this week.
"So, did the prick confess or what?" Jay asks Hailey as she sits down on the couch, her back against the edge of it and one leg tucked under the other.
She places the bowl of popcorn in the space between them and picks up a handful.
"Yeah, sure he did. I think the moment he set foot in the cage, he panicked and was telling us all the names and all the things we needed to know plus a few more we didn't even know about."
Jay dips his hand into the bowl and pulls two pieces from it which he stares down at, nodding before he looks back towards Hailey.
"Do you guys miss me?"
She rolls her eyes dramatically, shakes her head and says, "Nope, Rojas doesn't give me the trouble you give me for one thing."
Jay pouts and it has the desired effect immediately as the tiredness on her face is overtaken by laughter along with a gentle kick she aims at Jay's thigh.
"She's great, fantastic even but okay, to save you from having to go get some torture implements which you probably have hidden somewhere in this apartment, most likely underneath the floorboards, yes I missed you."
Jay gazes at her, looking for the telltale glint in her eye, the moment her expression changes from sincerity to a delighted smile that she's reeled him in, he's more surprised that he's only mildly surprised when it doesn't change or at least not to amusement, more to something else, something closer to fondness than anything else.
He can't help the smile he knows creeps onto his face at that moment. It's high school levels of glancing at her quickly enough and then away again that she doesn't see as she's looking intently at the tv before she chances a glance back at Jay and they catch each other's eyes and smile.
"I got a medical next week, before you say it I know it'll be desk duty for a week if I'm lucky but it'll be good to get back to normal."
"Good, good, that's great," she responds and if you didn't know Hailey you'd believe that she meant it.
Jay, however, does know Hailey.
"Well, zero out of ten for being convincing, what's up? You don't wanna partner me anymore or?"
She sighs, shakes her head at him as though she's amazed he even suggested it "Jay, no, that's not it, of course, it's not," she leans forward picking up the beer bottle and sipping from it then placing it back on the table.
"Don't go crazy at Will but he told me about the bad dream, he told me about what you shouted out, about your reaction when he tried to talk to you about it."
Funny how 2 minutes ago everything seemed great.
"We're not talking about that," he says tightly, hoping the tone of his voice is enough warning.
"Really? So we're back to strong silent Jay except I thought strong silent Jay was a thing of the past, something you put to bed, you worked hard at putting to bed or at least finding ways to deal, truly deal and now that's all forgotten?"
"You and Will just need to-," the words die on his lips because he's not even sure what they need to do, he knows how he wants to lash out and what he wants to say they need to do but he can't say it, even though the words sit on the tip of his tongue, somehow he can't.
Hailey isn't finished though.
"What? We need to what, Jay? Stop caring?" Hailey makes a sound that has Jay looking at her, his eyes narrowing as he does, sees the way she brushes her face almost as though she's wiping at tears and lightly sniffs.
He's frozen though, doesn't know what to do or say except one thing and that feels impossible, inappropriate even right now.
"You wanna know how much I wish there was an off switch for not caring about you, you wanna know how many times I've woken up in the middle of the night thinking about that journey in the ambo, you know how many times I've woken up almost screaming because each time in that nightmare, you're a different version of dead or never waking up again and each time I think when I wake up there's no version that is this, us sitting here sharing popcorn and me yelling at you about how much," she hesitates and reaches for the bottle again.
Then without taking a sip, she stares into the bottle and adds, "you mean to me."
She catches his eye for a single second and gives him what could almost pass for an apologetic smile when she's got no reason at all to be sorry.
The way Jay sees it, he has a choice, nod and smile and tell her he feels the same even though and maybe he's wrong he feels that leaves so much left unsaid still.
Or maybe he does what the Jay Halstead who's been burned before, been so fucking burned by what he's been through that he'd just nod, say thank you and he'd try to ignore the look of something he never wants to see on Hailey's face, least of all caused by him.
"I love you."
Or that, yeah that's the other option, which maybe is the wrong time to say it or maybe it is deeply inappropriate for now, he just said it out loud and it has Hailey who was about to take a sip from the beer bottle holding it hovering in mid-air instead as though she's frozen.
Funnily enough, the skies don't suddenly clear; the night doesn't turn into day and birds don't sing in unison and the nagging pain in his shoulder that's been brewing and starting to remind him he hasn't taken anything for a while doesn't disappear in a flash.
Instead, Hailey fixes him with a look that's a cross between 'what the fuck' and 'what the hell' and that shouldn't make sense, but it does.
"I love you," he repeats it and then because third time's the charm and man if his mom wasn't obsessed with saying that, then one last time he repeats it "I love you, Hailey."
It gets no less nerve-wracking saying it and it doesn't help that Hailey says nothing; she just blinks and there's this half-smile that looks like it could break at any moment and he's not sure if it will break into a full smile or into something else that's much less positive.
"You don't have to humor me Jay, or be grateful and say what you think it is I want you to say, I'm here because I want to be and because I want to be sure you're okay, you don't have to-."
Jay holds up his hand, picks up the bowl and places it on the table and then shifts slightly closer to Hailey.
"You know what I realized, all the way through the time it's been you and me as partners, it's you who's taken the risk first, the things we've said that stay with me, it's always been you and maybe I could wait, maybe I should wait, maybe the timing is off and tomorrow we can look at where we stand and that'll be okay too if where we stand is where it's always been, it's just this time I wanted it to be me."
He stares at his hands, not that he's afraid to look at her, just that he's aware of the fact that no matter what he's said and he means it that if tomorrow comes and it's all too soon, it's fine, everything has changed.
He feels the shift in the couch as she leans closer, her hand lightly touching his arm.
"Look at me," then louder, "please?"
He does, and it's hard to believe one face can portray so much all at once, hesitancy, fear, happiness and then fear again.
"I'm kinda a fan of seeing where we stand in the morning thing y'know but also, you know in the hospital I said it so easily about you without realizing how I meant it and certainly not to you, I've said it my head a hundred times over even just tonight and now you've said it and everything's altered."
Jay shifts his head slightly, so it almost touches hers, close but not quite there. And if that ain't an allegory for tonight, he thinks.
"There's no deadline for saying it back as long as I'm not ninety years old and you wait to tell me then-."
She shakes her head, there's a hint of a laugh that's not hysterical or upset.
"Ok, I love you."
There are still no fireworks, there's still no darkness turning into light, there's nothing except two people who smile at each other as if they hadn't just said what they did.
For who, no matter what happens tomorrow or the next hour, there's no taking it back, there's nothing except a quiet realization that nothing has to change necessarily.
It's just voicing what you've had and dimmed from your thoughts for so long anyway, it's an almost giddy relief accompanied by a slight tremble that Jay's not felt properly for a long time.
"Okay then," he replies as she grins at him before he leans forward, skips a couple of channels on the remote and there're reruns of old games as Hailey gets up, gets his medication, watches as he takes them and drains his drink and places the glass and medication back in the kitchen before she sits next to him, her legs outstretched in front of her, feet resting on the table, the beer bottle in her hand as she leans her head against Jay's uninjured shoulder.
Just like a few nights ago, except everything has changed.