Philia part II

'Wanna a sip?'

Selina took the bottle Nikki was offering. Adding the smell of cheap booze to the list of things that now made her feel sick. She looked at the ring of the bottle, she wanted to drink it, she wanted to feel the burning liquid going down her throat, she wanted it to hurt, she wanted to do something she would regret later.

'Selina?' Nikki chuckled. 'Are you high? You have been frozen like a statue looking at the bottle forever.'

She wanted to be high.

'You know what? I don't feel like drinking some lame cheap vodka.'

Nikki eyed her with confusion.

'Alright…' She cleaned her throat. 'So, what you found out about how do we leave?'

Selina sighed.

'There will be a boat coming in three weeks with more supplies for the construction of the new bridge, it will be in the harbour for a few days, I don't know how many, we can go back with them. Pay someone to smuggle us in.'

Despite the government sending help, finally, it was still forbidden to leave Gotham, except in very special cases of you being really sick and in need to be transferred for a proper hospital or having a lot of money.

'Three weeks? Geez, so long.' Nikki complained. 'I think we'll need to be patient, then. Well, more time to think where we should go next.'

'Look, Nikki, I don't think-'

She was interrupted by someone knocking on her door. Nikki and she shared a concerned look. It wasn't like they were expecting visitors, or that Selina's address was on the yellow pages.

Selina stood up from the ruined couch, took the knife from her thigh and went to the door.

'Who is it?'

'Selina? It's me, Leslie.'

Selina made a half-confused, half-suspicious face to the door but didn't open it.

'What do you want?'

She heard Thompkins sigh from the other side.

'Selina, please. I want to help.'

'I don't need your help. I'm not hurt.' However, in some ways, that was far from the truth.

'Selina… I know about the baby.'

'Baby…?' She heard Nikki ask confused behind her.

Selina opened the door as fast as she could despite the multiple locks she installed.

'Get inside! Quick! Geez, are you stupid? Anyone could hear you!'

'You wouldn't open otherwise.'

Selina sneered at her.

'So, Barbara told you. That's what I get for trusting that nutcase.'

'She just wanted to help you, Selina.' Then she noticed Nikki. 'Hello, I'm Dr Thompkins, you are?'

'Yeah, I know who the Queen of the Narrows is, alright.' She said apprehensive, but added later 'I'm Nikki.'

'Pleasure, Nikki.'

Feeling terrible uncomfortable by that whole setting, Selina turned to her friend.

'Can you please leave? No offense, Nikki.'

'Oh, it's fine. Congrats… on the baby… I guess.'

Selina didn't thank her. Her face was livid. Then she was alone with Lee Tompkins.

'So, Selina. How are you feeling?'

'How do you think?' She snapped angrily.

Lee gave Selina that disgusting doe eyed compassionated look of hers.

'I'm sorry, I know this is hard. I wasn't a teenager back then, but I went through something like that before. I really came here because Barbara wanted to know if you were okay, and also to let you know you have options.'

'Options? What are you talking about?'

'Selina, you are very young. You have no income, this is not a place to raise a baby. If you want, we can arrange for an abortion.'

Selina felt the world side-track, she seriously haven't thought about that. It was like the whole concept had been completely alien until Lee said those words. Abortion. She didn't have to go through that. It was so stupid. Of course, the idea of her giving birth to a baby, being a mother, it was ridiculous. How could she thought that was no way out when it was so obvious? And yet…

'You don't have to decide now. Just think about it and come to my office then. I'll go now. Take care.'

ooo

Selina spent the next three days thinking hard about what Leslie told her. It really seem the most obvious thing to do. Just terminate that pregnancy, that mistake, and just go forward with her life, her plans of leaving Gotham, of making something for herself elsewhere.

All her life, her first and most urgent imperative was to survive. That's why she always had to put herself first, because since her mother dumped her in that orphanage nobody had. A child would change that. A child would have to make her put herself in second place. And experience had been teaching her over and over again why that was a terrible idea.

It was decided. She would have an abortion and everything would be okay. Or least okayer than before.

So why could she even imagine herself doing that? Maybe if it was someone else's child, maybe if she couldn't remember clearly how that baby was made and how she felt that night, the warmth of his touch, how sweet it was to have her name in his lips, maybe she would feel different. Maybe she would have no doubt when it would come to make the wisest choice. But it was hers and Bruce's baby. And no matter how hurt she felt, how angry… She couldn't do it. How could she? That baby was the only proof she had she was loved once. She couldn't just make it disappear. And Selina knew that she was being stupid and would make her already shitty life a million times harder but she just couldn't do it.

That poor kid would have the stupidest homeless teenaged mother.

ooo

Alfred found her in a back alley next to Leslie's clinic feeding some local strays.

'Good afternoon, Miss Kyle.'

Selina looked at him like he had said something funny and dumb, but other than that ignored him. Scratching the head of an orange tabby.

'Nice day, isn't it?'

'I don't know what you are trying to pull. But I have no time for it.'

She stood up from her crouching position and was ready to leave when he talked again.

'Selina, I'm sorry.'

She stopped. He hardly used her first name, and even more rarer than that apologised.

'It was very unbecoming of me to say those words to you. I know how you and Master Bruce care for each other. And I am grateful for every time you saved his life when I could not be there.'

And maybe it was the stupid hormones but Selina felt a lump in her throat.

Fighting back tears she turned her face to him.

'She told you, didn't she? Leslie? Or was it Barbara? That's why you're telling me this stuff. God, why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep trusting people that will betray me later? Look, I don't need your help, or your pity or you money. It is my baby, I'll take care of it just fine.'

Bruce had told Selina once that Alfred was an actor for a time in his life, and as hilarious and hard to believe it have been back then, she didn't think even an Oscar winning actor could fake surprise that well.

'Pardon? What did you just say, Miss?'

She panicked.

'Just forget it. Apology accepted, let's never deal with each other ever again.'

She tried to leave again, but he blocked her path.

'No. You will explain to me what you have just said. Miss Kyle, are you expecting?'

'I don't have to tell you anything, Jeeves.'

'Are you serious? Are you really with child? And it is Master Bruce's?'

If she thought she was the most annoyed she could be, well, she was wrong.

'Of course it's his. What do you take me for? No, scratch that. It's mine, just mine, Bruce left.'

He didn't say anything for a while, and Selina thought he was finally letting her go.

'Miss… I really do not know where he is.'

And maybe was how broken he sounded but Selina felt herself falling in that pit of despair she had crawled out far too recently to go back again.

'I don't care.'

'If you need help, with anything-'

'Are you stupid? Or are your hearing already going bad? I don't want your fucking help, and now get out of my way.'

ooo

But after that conversation Selina would always find food at her door, sometimes her squat was eerie tidier than it was when she left, and even her pile of clothes were now folded in orderly fashion and smelling fresh clean no matter how she avoided laundry day.

She knew what was up. And as nice as it was having someone taking care of her, she really hated that he was just doing it because of the baby in her belly. Also he was invading her privacy, how dare him!

So she went knock at his door.

'Miss Kyle, what a surprise.'

'I came here to tell you to stop.'

'I don't know what you mean, Miss.'

'Oh please. I've already told you. The baby is mine. I don't care what twisted plan you have, but you won't be taking him from me.'

'It is a boy?'

'I don't know, Leslie says it's too soon to tell, but it doesn't matter. Bruce's participation was over when he pulled it out.'

Alfred sighed. He wasn't mad at her vulgarity anymore, but he looked very tired, very sad.

'Miss, as I told you before, I am sorry for what I said. And no, I did not try to apologise that day because I already knew you were with child. I really did not know. And I would never take a baby from his mother.'

Selina said nothing, he continued.

'And I was not lying when I said I do not know where Master Bruce is. I have tried the best I could, but he is not using any of his money, none of his numbers are working anymore, my letters returned. I do not even know if he is dead or alive. That boy was my whole life, and now the only thing that might have survived of him is you and the child in your belly.'

Selina felt like her heart was turned to lead, it was so heavy it was hard to breathe. Bruce couldn't… He couldn't…

'So what?' She managed 'It doesn't mean you have any right over us.'

'I know. But I am begging you, Miss Kyle. Let me help.' And there was so much despair in his voice, Selina felt sorry for him.

ooo

'So you're really not coming?'

Nikki pushed a piece of hair the wind had blown to her face, Selina hugged herself to keep warm, it was very cold in the harbour, she was grateful for the new larger jackets that Barbara had given her. She was dumping on Selina a lot of her pregnancy stuff, most of it was useless, why would she wear so many maternity sequin party dresses?

'Yeah… Sorry about that.'

'It's fine I guess. But you are really sure about raising a baby in this place? I mean, it was already a dump before…'

Selina actually laughed at that.

'I know, right? But, I think it might get better now. So many changes happening. Maybe it was a shitty place for us, but it won't be for her. And my doctor is here.'

'It's a her now?'

'I don't know, I keep trying both.'

'Oh, I know about that.'

They both giggled at the lame joke.

'Good luck, Nikki.'

'Thank you. Good luck you too, and the baby. It was nice to meet you again, Selina.'

We are, finally, about to reach the timeskip. I don't know you all but I'm ready to have Bruce back, I miss him.

I hope I didn't give a pro-forced birth vibe in this chapter, I'm veeeery pro-choice, and I tried had to not use problematic language when it came for Selina deciding to keep her baby.

Also, the whole Selina and Alfred dynamic was really tough to write, because as I said before, I don't enjoy the characterization of Gotham's Alfred very much. But I hope I made a decent job.

Till next time, don't forget to wash your hands and tell me what you are thinking of this story.