Everyone

Josie storming into the house directed all the attention to Penelope that remained. Suddenly there was a shift in their group and none of them was aware of the weight of what Josie said. Some were confused how they didn't notice if anything was happening between them and did they missed some signs? Lizzie was getting angry at Penelope. She was sure it was her fault. Whatever was the problem in the marriage, must have been Penelope.

''What did you do to my sister?''

Penelope didn't answer and Lizzie was getting very angry.

''Penelope Park, what did you do to Josie? All she ever did was love you and support you! And you had to shit all over it… I knew you would be the one to fuck up that marriage and my sister! You better tell us what happened?!''

''Ask Josie tomorrow… If she tells you, then we can talk…''

''She will never tell… She spent her entire adult life, so far, covering up for your shit!''

''My shit?''

''Yes, your shit! I am not stupid. I've seen you having lunches with all sorts of people… And you had guts to bring your flings to my restaurant?! I've told my sister so many times all about hot men and women you had lunch in my restaurant and she ignored and pretended it's ok.''

''Are you high Elizabeth?! Let's say you are right and I was sleeping with all the people you saw me with…. Why would I bring them to the restaurant you own? Why would I risk you calling Josie and telling her who was I with? I had lunch in your restaurant with Hope, few times with Marry…but I am not sleeping with any of them… Yes, you saw me with some very attractive people sharing a meal…Those people were my clients and people I work with. You have good food in the restaurant and it's close to the courthouse if we are in the middle of the case… And every time I was there with someone, as I remembered, we left pretty nice amount of money and tips so I wanted to help with your business… Some of those people came back and became your regulars and thanks to them and their recommendations, you are not out of work and have at least three quarters of the restaurant full every day during the lunch hours…And I wanted to offer you to connect you to small currier company to have delivery too… They work on bikes and you could do delivery for the courthouse and offices few blocks around. I know my firm would use delivery and few more around too. I wanted to help you develop your business and that is why I brought all those people to your restaurant. And when it comes to affair… If I had any, I wouldn't have spent my lunch hours sitting in a restaurant. There are few hotels around my office with very discreet staff and good room service…So, I hope we are over the Penelope is having an affair nonsense?''

Lizzie was not that convinced. She was still looking at Penelope trying to figure out if she should trust her and put her doubts aside. Hope was observing and listening to what Penelope was saying and she noticed something that caught her ear…Well, absence of something to be precise… She noticed that Penelope never said that Josie was not having an affair either. And that was a detail that somehow bothered Hope. Could it be the reason for Josie to storm off after what she said? Her thoughts about it were cut short because she heard Penelope's voice again continuing her argument with Lizzie.

''And yes Lizzie. Some of them were very attractive… And there is temptation… But there is temptation for all of us…Every day we see or meet someone we find attractive or interesting… In my job, I meet and see a lot of people… And I admit, some of them intrigue me. But I never crossed the line. I never did anything to betray my spouse and commitment I made to someone. She may be a lot of things, but Josie is my wife and I never broke any of the promises given to her. No matter how the person on the opposite side of the table was attractive, sexy or interesting. And you are well aware that I only ever had sex with one person in my life and I had every intention of keeping it that way for the rest of my life. I married your sister because I loved her and she was my home. She still is. It's not easy coming home to the same person for years. It's not easy being married with kids and trying to balance being mom, working, being wife… Our life changed since we became parents and we are not perfect…not as individuals, not as mothers, not as spouses, lovers… We are just human and we make mistakes… Some are small and easier to work through, some are not that small and easy to resolve… But please, don't insult me in that way Lizzie. Don't' label me as cheater without even knowing if I am.''

Marry took another beer and kept looking at Penelope…

''So, you are not stepping out on Josie?''

''No, I am not having an affair…I never did in my life… You know me enough to know I would never do that to her.''

''Could she?''

There was a tone in Mary's voice that Penelope couldn't read. Did she know about Josie and Landon too?

''Could Josie step out of your marriage?''

Now all eyes were on Penelope again… She noticed Landon squirming in his seat. She had two options, she could out Josie and Landon or she could lie again for Josie… Marry was watching Penelope and how hard she was trying to keep herself together and not look at anyone.

''Everyone can have an affair or do it only once… It's new, different… It's stepping out of the usual routine.''

Now all of them looked at her a bit intrigued.

''All of us have spent some time with our current partners.''

There were some nods.

''In the very beginning, sex was fun… We had sex all the time and couldn't wait to be alone or find some dark corner to have it. We researched what we could do with our partner…Maybe some watched porn to get ideas… I don't know… We did all we could to spice it up, even if it was spicy enough. There was so much desire, attraction and effort to make each time better.''

She noticed few smiles or smirks around the table. She hit the target with this comment.

''And then some time passes. Passion and attraction fade. You have bills to pay, you have work, maybe even kids and sex becomes luxury… You have sex in the shower before you have to feed your kids and rush to work. You start scheduling sex with your partner and it is usually very quick without even making an effort to get naked because maybe your sleepy kid sill barge into the room because they had nightmare and want to sleep with you, or someone might get fever or whatever… You stop enjoying sex and take it as an obligation… You know by the touch of the person when it's just I want to cuddle moment or when is it let's have sex, our monsters are watching a movie or doing something that doesn't require us for at least fifteen minutes.''

Again she saw some flash of recognizing the situation…Especially in Mary's eyes.

''And then someone shows up who is giving you attention, who makes you feel wanted again, someone who finds time to seduce you… Someone who compliments you… And you (maybe) start having sex with them… It's fun again… It's risky, it's dangerous because now you are stepping on your spouse and adrenalin caused by the fact that someone might see, hear find out is giving you a new high in sex. That high that might have been lost in your home bedroom, because it's not surprising to be caught with your spouse or long term partner. For example, I expect to find Hope having sex with Raphael and she knows the risk she might take if they don't lock the door of the cabin or house.''

Hope rolled her eyes at Penelope because she took her as an example, but she was intrigued where this was leading.''

''I might tease them for catching them in the act, but there is no element of surprise like it would be if I saw them having sex with some stranger or maybe one of us at this table… ''

Marry looked at her and pointed a beer at Penelope.

''So, to you affair is about waking up a thrill that is lost in routine? You need a stranger to make you feel good about yourself again? Is that what you are saying.''

'' Maybe you all know each other? Maybe it's a stranger? Who knows and cares?! You are having sex again and it's fun… It's new way of touching, new seduction lines, new person, new rules in bed… Maybe even you try something you never did with your longtime partner?! Who knows?!''

''Is that what happened to you?''

Marry somehow got things back to Josie cheating on her. She wanted to say that she did cheat and who she did it with, but chose not to get all of their friends into this mess and she wanted to see where Josie's mind was in all this and why she did it.

''I don't want to talk about our marriage issues with anyone… We have to settle things before we talk to anyone. And I am not comfortable sharing about us without Josie here. It is her marriage and relationship too…So, IF we talk…We talk all together or not talk at all… She deserves to have control over information that gets out too…''

She got up from the table and went into the cottage. She had to see if Josie was ok. She was still very mad, but she also knew what doctor said. She went to check on Josie and maybe get to talk to her a bit. They had a lot of things to go over and serious issues to resolve.

Penelope and Josie

After Josie left to the cottage, Penelope got up to join her. She found her in the bedroom on her side of the bed with her back to the door. Penelope took off her boots and got on the bed. They were silent for few minutes and then Josie dared to turn and face her wife.

''I am sorry.''

''What for?''

''Everything… Tonight… I know we agreed on not saying anything about what was going on…''

''But after everything they said about us, you had to say something?''

''Yes…''

Josie looked at Penelope.

''Are you angry I said something?''

''No… I sort of feel strange relief… Like part of the tension and need for being perfect couple is gone. They know that we are not perfect and that we are just like them or any other couple having issues.''

Penelope was looking at the sealing and thinking about the entire day.

''Would you have told me about the affair?''

''I wanted to… but somehow… I was scared.''

''Of what?''

''You leaving…''

''I don't get it… You sleep with someone else and want me to stay? What logic is that?''

''You are my family…''

''You don't do this to family Josie… You don't hurt people like that… It's not the only about the affair, it's about the lies and disrespect too…''

''I know.''

There was moment of silence and then Penelope spoke again.

''Will you tell them the truth now? Will you come clean about the affair and the pregnancy? They are our friends… They will know soon… They already know something is happening. They think you cheated.''

''What?''

''Lizzie accused me of having an affair and Mary asked if you were the one having an affair, after I said I didn't cheat.''

''Do you think she knows?''

''I have no idea Jo…''

''I am not the only person who should come clean…''

Now new wave of anger was bubbling inside of Penelope.

''I know you are not the only one… I was tempted so many times to smack him hard… You too… And to say a lot of very vulgar things to both of you and humiliate you in front of all of our friends…Just as I am humiliated and would be when the cat gets out of the bag.''

''I know we did deserve it, but thank you for not doing it.''

''When would you have told me? When your belly became so big that we can't ignore it anymore?''

''I had no idea what would happen if I did tell you.''

'' What did you expect to happen? How on Earth did you think to hide pregnancy?''

''I have no idea… I learned I was pregnant three weeks ago and I am still not sure what I want to do about it.''

Penelope was surprised to hear that.

''You want to end this pregnancy?''

''I don't know.''

''Josie…''

''I am scared of both keeping it and ending the pregnancy… Both choices have severe consequences. If I say I am pregnant, there would be questions of who the father is or why we never said we were trying again.''

She looked at Penelope with some strange sadness and fear in her eyes.

'' I was not sure if there is us anymore…''

Penelope dreaded this question, but had to ask… That question is something that could determine the direction they might take…

''Do you love him?''

Josie was quiet for a moment. She was thinking of her answer. Longer she was thinking, worse Penelope felt.

''I don't love him… It was never about it…At least not for me… I can't speak for him… I can only say what was going on with me and in my mind…''

Penelope turned to face Josie. She wanted to look at her during this conversation. Being a lawyer she learned a lot about body language and eye contact. She wanted to see Josie and listen to her.

''I love you Penelope… And that haven't changed… My choice to cheat had nothing to do with how I felt about you.''

Penelope was angry again.

''Then why? Why did you do it?''

'' I loved how he made me feel… I loved the attention… ''

Penelope was about to say something but Josie stopped her.

''You know we lost the spark… You know that we stopped being lovers… We were mothers and too tired for anything else… And I know I should have said something instead of doing what I did… But… I felt so lonely, unappreciated, unwanted… I missed making love to you. I missed waking up together and going to bed together… I missed what we had… And I had no idea how to say it…In weeks leading to the affair, we argued a lot and somehow it always felt like you were looking down on me. Like all the things I complained about were too minor and not important to you. Like my needs looked stupid to you. And it made me feel alone and lonely. It made me feel like I could never get the attention from you because you lost interest in me. I didn't attract you anymore… And part of me understood… I saw women you work with. They all look amazing and are well taken care of… I sometimes feel too tired to shower, let alone get sexy for you. Hell, I didn't even remember where my sexy underwear was for months…''

''I felt alone and lonely too Josie, but I never cheated.''

''You had an affair with your work… You were barely at home and when you were, you were either working or sleeping… And don't get me wrong… I appreciate what you did for us. When I stopped working you stepped up and you were the one to be in charge… and you never said a word to me… You worked your ass off for us and I am sorry for not telling you how much I appreciate sacrifices you made.''

''I want to be home around five Jojo.. I want to see twins go to bed… I want to chat with you and Helena… I want to watch movies with you before going to sleep. I want to read a book… I want to have normal hours and time for all of us…but I can't… You chose not to work and I made a choice to support that decision. I am not sure if it was right or wrong, but it was what we agreed on… I don't mind working for all of us and making money for the family. You know better than anyone why I work so much and so hard… ''

''Penelope, you have to let go of that.''

''I can't Jojo… Sometimes I still feel like that girl…''

''You came long way from that girl Ms. Ford brought to my dad's office.''

''Josie, I will always be that girl that came to school with just one change of clothes… I will always remember handouts of clothes with malicious smiles… I will always remember used books that are falling apart. I will always remember used shoes with holes in them…''

''Why? Why after all these years you still can't let go and forget?''

''Because that's part of my history. I am who I am because of that girl and how people behaved when they saw me enter your school. Now they see me in a different way. I am not the same person. Now I have house, car, good job and I earned that…No one gave it to me... I earned it with my blood and sweat.''

''I know you did…. And I see how envious they are of you…''

''I want more Jojo… I want our kids to have much more than I ever dared to dream of. I never want them to wake up thinking if they would be hungry or if they had place to live.''

''You have given them a house and a home Penny… You know that?''

''I do… but I feel like I could give them more.''

''They don't need more money or things… They need time with you and that's the only thing you can't give them at the moment… Maybe I should start working again?''

''You are pregnant Josie… How will you work? You remember how it was with boys? You are eight weeks pregnant and I am guessing the eternal sickness already started?''

Josie just nodded.

''Are you sick now?''

''Yes…''

Penelope got out of bed and their room. Moments later she came back with her purse and out of it she fished out lemon lollypops and bottle of ginger ale. Josie looked at her in disbelief. She never expected that from Penelope after what happened.

''You remembered…''

''I am angry at you Josie…and I have a lot of things on my mind that are not nice, decent and polite… But I care about you… Despite of what you did, you are my wife. ''

Both of them were surprised by the word wife she used. Josie believed she would never hear it again in positive context, and Penelope didn't want to use it until they define what is the path they will take.

''I am?''

''Josie…''

''You see me as your wife even after everything?''

''It's a fact… I have a lot of paperwork to prove it.''

''I am not asking you that… I am asking if you think I am your wife, not what legal documents say…''

''Honestly?''

''Yes…''

''I don't know…''

Josie was hurt by this but she knew she deserved it.

''I have feeling like I don't know the person sitting across from me… Like someone else is in this bed…with a face of a woman I love and I married… I don't know this Josie… I don't know the woman who cheated on me and broke promises and vows she wrote…and things she always held sacred. Why didn't you cheat at sixteen, but you did at thirty two? Let's be honest, we never had it easy… ''

Josie just looked at her and listened.

''Remember how we started… I came to your boarding school because my social worker saw something in me. Your dad took me in just because he believed her judgment, not because he believed in me. I got into school where people spent in one day amounts of money that could feed me for weeks… I was so happy we had uniforms because I had nothing else to wear. Then someone spread the rumor about me being a kid from foster care and having parents with drug and alcohol problems… That person was never grounded because we all know who did it and daddy would never punish his princes.''

Josei lowered her gaze. She still felt guilty for not stopping Lizzie. But in her defense, Josie was not even in the school building when Lizzie told someone in ''deep confidence'' about Penelope's predicament. But also, Josie never changed the way she was with Penelope. Before and after the news broke, Josie remained by her side and never treated her in a way that Penelope believed she was sorry for her or being her friend out of pity. Sometime after they started dating, Josie finally told her that she feels sorry that someone as amazing as she was has parents that suck… But that was the only comment about the situations she ever made. Penelope was grateful she never made her talk about her past. It took Penelope about two years to tell her about her life. Images of crying Penelope and hearing stories behind every scar, every bruise, every cut she had on her body, hurt Josie to the core. She loved that girl and felt powerless when it came to the pain she had inside.

''I am sorry for what Lizzie did. I hoped he would punish her like he would any other student. I believed he should have, but when I asked him why he didn't he responded that Lizzie was in a bad place then and he couldn't do it.''

''I know Josie… Your mom and dad always protected her and made sure that she is not held accountable… But as I said…Every day was struggle for us… Coming to term with our feelings, starting a relationship and keeping it a secret until we were ready to come out, coming out….''

Josie knew that this was coming… She knew that taking this memory lane will have some difficult moments brought to light. In her head she was counting backwards to the moment when Penelope would say the words…

''NO, BEING OUTED BY LIZZIE to your parents… being out to the rest of the school…putting up with looks, with dirty looks, with comments, with treatment from teaching staff, students… You remember what happened that night in the woods…?''

Josie just nodded…

''It took us long time to leave the school during the night after that. I remember also dirty looks your parents gave us, speeches that you can do better than the person who was not even wanted by her own parents.''

That was always the most painful thing for Penelope. Hearing Josie's mom saying something like that to Josie about her. But Josie stood her ground and said that she loves Penelope and that it's her parents' loss that they are not part of her life and that they were missing how amazing Penelope was and in what person she was growing into.

And t then came time for college… Not being in the same city…not having money to see each other often, or no money at all…

''I remember not having to eat for few days because school was late with our scholarship money… I remember having thoughts about ending the relationship, doubts we had, all the things we faced during first three years of college. Working for school, having a lousy job to have at least some money…not to depend on school and their system of putting money on our accounts… You moving to be with me…living in a tiny room and after that with your parents, finding a place of our own, finding jobs, paying bills, my parents showing up out of nowhere and stealing our entire savings, Helena, finding the house, fixing it by ourselves for years because we had no money, me changing my job, struggle to get twins, your depression, me being alone with three kids, my job getting in a way of many family activities, us arguing about things…every day we had something to struggle with…''

Josie wiped her tears… She remembered what Penelope was talking about and reliving all of those memories.

'' But until this…I always believed that I had you in my corner… I was sure that no matter what happens…My WIFE is by my side… Maybe not to fight my battles but to hold me when I need shelter… To make me feel safe… I have to fight idiots every day who are gunning for my job, gunning for my clients, who want me to fail… And I could live with that because I knew it was part of the job. It's a very competitive environment, and I was prepared to deal with the worst human scum… Some were in robes, some were sitting by me as clients and some were opposed counsel… And I was ready to do that and fight those monsters because I believed that there is one place where I am safe and one place where I don't have to fight at…home… I believed my home was the safe haven I needed. That my wife is the shelter for me and someone who will catch me when I fall…not push me even further with sticking a knife in my back and twisting it. Instead of feeling that I am safe with you… now I feel like you pulled the rug from under my feet and I landed but and head first… Like I have no firm ground to stand on Josie…''

Penelope wiped her eyes and looked at Josie…

''I feel like my wife just died in front of my eyes and I had no power to save her…''

That comment got them both to freeze…