Jane felt sore after a night of tossing and turning. First, she had cried, then she had tried to distract herself by writing reports for the case, but nothing had prohibited her from staring at her phone thinking about writing Maura a message

But what was the point? Still in a turmoil, she walked into the kitchen the next morning to find Angela reading the paper at the counter.

"Good morning, Janie." Her mother said and busied herself to make breakfast.

The brunette told her that she didn't have to do that, seeing that she was a grown woman now.

"I know." Angela said. "But I want to. You're still my baby."

Jane smirked but sat down without a further word. "Frankie has taken Julia to teach her more ice skating." The older woman informed her. "Gives you a little bit of time to think." Jane narrowed her eyes.

"Think about what?" she asked having a suspicion that Frankie had talked. Not that she was mad at him, she knew her mother had her methods to lure information out of people when feeling that something was out of the ordinary. Angela had probably played the trick with the palm of his hand on him.

Angela pretended to be surprised. "I don't know, but I'm sure, there is something you need to think about." the elder woman put a plate in front of Jane and eyed her daughter closely.

Jane snorted, eating her scrambled eggs in silence reading the sports part of the newspaper, before grabbing the key to her mother's car. "I have some shopping to do." She mumbled, feeling pressured from all sides because of Maura.

"By the way, how was your date yesterday?" Or do you need money? Because of sneaking out of the house late at night? You haven't changed to the dark side of law, have you?" Angela questioned ignoring Janes announcement to leave.

Jane turned in her footsteps glaring madly at her mother. Her lips were pursed as she thought of an answer, but then she just left the house. It took her a while of driving around Boston until she calmed down.

She spent some time at the bookshop looking for some last Christmas presents for Julia. The last thing she wanted was to make her daughter experience what she had experienced. Therefore, she made sure to let Julia know every day what a wonderful person she was and how much she loved her. A soft smile was showing when she thought of the sweet girl.

Jane had never wanted to have kids, but now she felt as if Julia was the greatest gift life could have given her.

After checking various books, she decided for "The bunny and the sun." because it sounded just like a story Julia would love. Following an impulse, she took a second copy for Sophie before heading to the thrillers to get some distraction for herself.

She sighed and settled to a cafe not ready to head home yet. She managed to find some peace in reading her new book while drinking a cappuccino when Maura suddenly stood in front of her.

"Hey!" the blonde greeted friendly and sat down.

"Hey!" Jane replied feeling the need to run. Instead she stayed calm, grabbing her mug. Why was it that she could never have time on her own she thought grumpy. She would have wanted some time to calm down in order to think clearly about the things bothering her.

"I managed to convince Dr. Hon to change his report. So, you can take care of the culprit." The blonde said after ordering some coffee to herself.

And why was it, that she kept running into Maura? Jane thought furthermore and smirked. Sure, they had rekindled their friendship a bit over the last days. But she was still angry at Maura. And they were far from being friends or even close to that at all. All they were living on right now seemed to be a bonus they got from back then. she hadn't decided yet what she wanted.

She hadn't even had the time to think about it.

"Your mother told me that you would be here. So, I figured that I come by as I had some last gifts to shop." Maura interrupted her thoughts and pointed to a pile of shopping bags.

Everything in Jane screamed for help. She so desperately wanted to have what they had. She longed for fooling around with the blonde, for their touches and sleepovers. But at the same time Maura's last words to her in Paris kept replaying in her mind.

Jane felt lost, and she felt betrayed. She would have sworn that their friendship would survive her honesty. But it hadn't.

She felt tired from all the people expecting things from her, for telling her what to do and what to feel. Tired and angry. Did the blonde really think that they could continue where they had left? Giving Jane space had been clever of her. And Jane was convinced that Maura didn't mean to harm her, but she needed more. An excuse and an explanation. A thorough talk about the situation… anything….

"Are you okay, Jane?" Maura's voice captured her mind and it hit her then that she was crying.

"I have to go." She simply mumbled and threw the money for the cappuccino on the table, grabbing her stuff and left in a hurry.

Nice, she thought. I can't go home because ma is there, and she won't leave me alone. And I can't be at the cafe. More tears were rolling down her cheek when she turned the key in the ignition. I probably look horrible so I can't be seen in any public place. She mused where she could go.

Following an idea, she took out her phone, checking for flights to New York. Could she do that to Julia who had talked about what she had planned with Uncle Frankie? She licked her lips while thinking.

"Jane, are you sure? Maybe I can talk to ma…" Frankie said later when they were sitting at the dirty robber. He had agreed to meet her after dropping Julia off at Angela's.

"I'm sure sure!" Jane said fiercely.

He nodded thoughtful sipping his beer. "I would have offered you to stay at my place, but I can't even give you the closet anymore. The flat is just big enough for Nina and me. We are using the closet for her stuff now that she has moved in."

Jane rolled her eyes when recalling the short time, she had lived with her brother and chuckled. It had been a good time she thought. "Its fine Frankie. Please understand that its not you why I'm leaving. Its this whole situation. Ma even called Maura! She can't let me be. Next she will start about me dating men again." she stated in a softer tone.

He sighed. "I get it. I'm so sorry that she… well, that she can't leave you alone. I'm sorry to see you leave. Promise me to spend a nice Christmas with Julia. Okay?"

Jane nodded as a lump had formed in her throat. "I will."

"Hey" he called after her, when she was about to enter the airport. She was afraid to cry when turning around, but still did so.

"I'll miss you both. I'll try to visit as soon as possible."

The first tear fell on Janes cheek when she saw how Julia ran to hug her uncle once more.

"Bye." The girl said sadly and sniffed. It broke Janes heart. Though she tried hard to hide it.

"Come on, Julia." She softly said and firmly walked through the doors after reminding Frankie to make sure that Sophie got her present.

A few days later the brunette sat silently on the edge of her couch, a beer dangling loose between her legs as her right arm was resting on her thigh. She looked out of the window, seeing heavy white snowflakes dancing in the light of the streetlamp. The TV was on, but Jane didn't pay attention to the game, which was playing. She had muted the device an hour ago.

Tears were running down her cheeks, silently crying in the half darkness of her living room and she hoped that Julia was sound asleep. She didn't want her daughter to see her in this state. Jane tilted the beer and then led the bottle to her mouth.

It had been a very bad idea to go to Boston for Christmas. She hadn't had wanted to go in the first place, knowing that it would tear her down. Her family floated to her mind. Angela, who kept telling her, that she should stop the nonsense of being gay and find a man.

"Julia needs a father." Her mother had pointed out during one of their rare calls. Saying that homosexuality was an illness which could be cured. Welcome to the middle ages, Jane had thought and ignored the comments. But they had hurt her. Why couldn't her mother just accept her the way she was?

"That's why I haven't been to Boston for three years, and that's why I'm not going to come back soon!" Jane had yelled at one point after listening to her rambling about her lifestyle for what seemed to be hours.

Forget it! She mumbled to herself, whipping away angry tears, reaching for a new bottle. Just forget it! She wanted to scream but didn't because she didn't want to wake Julia. And because adults didn't do that. Jane took a big sip from the beer, staring out of the window again.

And, damn Maura! She thought bitter. If her mother hadn't lured her to Boston with her sweet voice pretending that she wanted to make up with Jane, she wouldn't have met the ghost at all.

And why on earth did this woman have the only child with which her daughter had bonded. Why? There had been a point where she thought they could truly rekindle their friendship, where she had thought that she could live with what Maura had to give her.

But Maura didn't seem to acknowledge the mistakes she had made and how the words of hers had hurt Jane.

It wasn't as if Jane had ever hit on her. But Maura had put it like that in Paris. Acting scared..

She would have almost accepted that there would never be more than friendship. But now it was nothing worth talking about. She would do everything that their kids could meet or talk to each other. But she would never ever let the blonde into her heart again.

Jane clenched her teeth hard, never ever, she swore, sitting alone in the halfdark room. As if to seal it she took another big sip from the bottle thinking that she would never ever let any woman into her heart again in general for that matter.

A few days later…

Jane felt angry, sad and bitter, but it still didn't escape her how silent and reclusive Julia had become in the last days since returning to New York. She had tried to talk to her about it several times. Each time, Julia would nonchalantly say, that she was fine. Like mother, like daughter she thought as she was sitting on the couch watching Julia draw.

It had been almost two weeks now, since their return from Boston. She must miss Sophie she thought. She cringed because she didn't want to call Maura. The brunette feared hearing Maura's voice. But she decided to swallow her pain for Julia's sake.

"Do you want to call Sophie?" she quietly asked, earning a head tilt. "No." she said with a tiny sad voice.

"You know that even if Maura and I don't get along you can still be friends with her/them, right honey?"

Julia kept her eyes focused on the drawing not replying which made Jane sigh. "Come on, honey. Tell me what's wrong."

She reached out to stroke over the brown curls, irrationally thinking, that they needed a haircut. The girl immediately withdrew herself from her mother's touch which troubled Jane. But she tried not to show it and stay calm.

"Is it because of the fight I had with grandma?" she tried again.

Now, Julia looked up, puzzled then sad. Jane sighed again, slipping from the couch onto the floor to sit right next to Julia. Hoping that the girl would open, when being eye to eye with her. For a while she just sat in silence watching her draw. Handing her crayons and listening to her own heartbeat which was fast.

Jane gasped in surprise when Julia suddenly moved to her lap. "Are you mad at me?" the girl asked and looked down, fidgeting with her hands.

The brunette caught another gasp before it could leave her mouth. "No, Julia." She said wrapping her arms around her. "Why should I be mad at you?"

"Because I made you cry." The girl sniffed, leaving Jane speechless and hurt. "I hear you cry almost every night ma, when you think that I'm asleep."

Jane tried hard to blink back her tears. "But I'm not crying because of you, honey." She softly said and turned the little face to look into brown eyes who were full of pain and sorrow.

The little girl licked her lips nervously. "I… I …. I didn't want to… it's my fault that you are sad about Maura." She suddenly blurted out and cried. Her tiny lips were trembling.

"Oh Julia." Jane whispered and pulled the girl closer, rocking her softly. "it's not your fault." She soothed her. "And I'm not mad at you. I love you. Don't you know that?"

The little body in her arm relaxed a bit, but Jane could feel that she was still unsure. "Hey, you did nothing wrong. Stop thinking about it, okay?" she silently said, turning the girl in her lap so they were face to face, whipping away the tears with her thumbs. "And you can still be friends with Sophie. So, if you like we can call them, all right?"

Julia sniffed looking at Jane. "Would you want that?" Jane asked softly and was relieved when her daughter finally nodded. "I miss her." She whispered. The brunette smiled at her, reaching for her phone, which had got lost among the crayons on the coffee table. "I bet you do. You've become good friends, eh?" she winked and started to tickle her. Julia giggled in delight, making Jane feeling better. She hugged her daughter once more before bracing herself for Maura's voice. Writing a text was not an option because it felt childish and stupid. They were grownups after all, for heaven's sake!

The blonde picked up at the fifth ring, her voice hesitating. "Jane?"

The brunette cleared her throat.

"Yeah, hi. Julia wanted to have a little chat with Sophie. Is that okay?" she tried to sound neutral, as if she would speak to a stranger or a doctor.

There was a pause at the other end, Jane feeling as if Maura would be disappointed by her tone, but maybe it was her imagination, and she felt childish about all of her thoughts when handing the phone over to Julia after the blondes okay.

She felt the heartbeat fast in her chest after these few exchanged words and slowly calmed down when seeing Julia chatting away lightly on the phone. The brunette decided to go to the kitchen in order to prepare mac and cheese, the girl's favorite dish. She wanted to make Julia feel loved.

"Whoaaa!" the girl exclaimed when they sat at the table eating dinner. "Today is my lucky day." She smiled. First, I got to call Sophie and then I get mac and cheese. Jane chuckled as she watched Julia dig in. "Thank you, ma!" she said with a beam in her eyes.

Jane took a few bites, trying not to poke in her food too much. She still saw a worried expression on her daughter's face, when she glanced up.

"Don't be sad, ma." She said and hopped of her chair to hug Jane. The brunette had to choke back her tears and with the lump forming in her throat. The girl was really sweet.

Afterwards they settled in front of the TV to watch Frozen, and Jane breathed out deeply when Julia had fallen asleep in her lap around 10 pm. She silently moved the girl to her bed, taking out her diary. Carefully she flipped through the pages and reread her last three entries.

It had been an idea of her therapist to write down her pain and to relieve her soul from the burden which was weighting her down. Jane picked up a pen and started to write. At first, she had found it silly, but after the first few entries she thought that it was a good idea because she actually felt better after putting her pain into words. Moreover, it helped her think clearer. At least most of the time.

There were usually two main reasons why she had to use the diary: Maura and… Well… she was not going to go there. Not tonight anyways. Her neck hurt and she could feel a headache coming her way.

The TV made a small noise when she switched it off. She busied herself to clean up the mess and went to bed. Julia was already there, and Jane gingerly slipped her arm underneath the tine body and wrapped the other one around the waist.

Julia hmmmed a bit and moved into the warm arms of her mother. "Good night honey. I love you." Jane whispered and let her eyes close.