Trigger Warnings at the end.
Maria Nikolaevna Romanova.
No one talks on the way to the train station. No one talks as we wait an eternity for the train, or when we get on the train. No one talks when it starts moving.
The tears don´t stop flowing, for any of us. They remain as fresh as they were earlier, while it happened.
I feel as if the world had already ended, as if I were already dead. The present and the future don´t exist, they don´t worry me, they don´t matter. I am stuck in that house, in that cellar, at that moment, trying to organize the images, the horror. There has to be a consistent order.
Did it really happen? Was it just a dream?
Yes, it happened, otherwise I wouldn´t feel so sticky. My siblings wouldn´t be sobbing around me, their faces wouldn´t be swollen, the back of their heads wouldn´t be stained with blood.
My heart fills with anguish and I cry for my parents over and over again, until it feels like a dream once more. It is a never-ending cycle. Will I feel this way forever?
Alexei hasn´t stopped clinging to me. His arms are around my waist. His face is hidden under my arm. He wets my shirt with his tears. I wouldn´t dare push him away.
Our sisters are also sitting, opposite from us, in the compartment.
Tatiana comforts Anastasia and Olga, letting them sob into her shoulders while her own tears simply run down her neck. As always thinking of herself last. The side of her head already has a small yet ugly scab. Further proof it happened.
I know it has been hours since we left Ekaterinburg when the sun starts rising. Slowly, the light enters through the corners of the curtains.
We keep sobbing. Sometimes we do so without making much noise. Sometimes we choke with sobs in a way that can probably be heard all over the train. Half the time, Alexei´s face remains covered as he holds me as tightly as I do.
"You are with us", I whisper in my little brother´s ear more than one time, "you will be fine".
I don´t recognize my own voice… how could this truly have happened?
Olga is the first to compose herself. Anastasia is next, and then Alexei, but he doesn´t stop holding me. His recent wounds are making it painful for him to sit straight or move his hands. He flinches wherever he tries to do either of those things. As usual, he tries to hide it.
I am the last one to stop sobbing, right after Tatiana does.
Now we cry in silence.
Our cabin is small, but there is more than enough space for the five of us.
Just like many times before, the windows are covered by dark curtains we are not allowed to roll. We are not allowed to leave the cabin without permission either.
My sister Nastya is sitting closest to the window. Tatiana, who is carrying Ortipo, sits next to her. Olga is the closest to the corridor, but more curtains hide it from us.
As usual, Anastasia breaks the rules several times. She moves the curtain just enough to peek out.
It is not the same as before. Instead of gushing about what she has managed to get a glimpse of, Anastasia remains silent. Her sad, swollen, and tear-filled eyes don´t change, they don´t meet mine. The few times our eyes do meet, we share a sad smile that inevitably makes both of us start sobbing again, because we know it is not a dream. It is not a nightmare.
The guards stationed outside don´t seem to care about enforcing the rules. They haven´t entered our cabin or bothered us the entire trip, something I am thankful for. The only nuisance they claim themselves unable to avoid inflicting upon us is insisting on escorting us every single time we have to go to the bathroom. Then they wait right outside the door.
Tatiana was the first to go. She broke the silence for the very first time just a few minutes ago when she rolled the curtains in order to ask one of the guards stationed outside for permission. She could barely form a coherent sentence and was crying the entire time. It was so very awkward.
Still, we have all grown accustomed to this nonsense. We were used to having our belongings searched and stolen. We were used to being escorted to the bathroom. We were used to the way they ignored us whenever we tried to speak to them, to their occasionally rude behavior… we were even getting used to receiving less and less sunlight with each passing day.
But we had never been stripped of our dignity so outrageously like we were tonight. Just the thought of how our mama might have reacted had she witnessed the way her daughters and son were treated makes me choke with sobs again. She loved us so much.
We didn´t even have time to grieve for our dead parents before we were forced to strip naked in front of those beasts. They said it was to find the jewels. I know they did it for their own gratification.
I have never felt so humiliated in my life. Those filthy men know what we look like under our clothes when no one gave them the right to!
I should have refused to undress. I am ashamed of how quickly I complied when they made their wicked request. I am unclean now. I am drowning in shame. I was just so afraid they were going to beat me like that man did in the cellar…
That evil man. I have never known such evil before. He taunted us, I remember now. He said he was going to throw acid at my parents… my poor papa…
I wanted to die. I don´t think I will ever again feel as miserable as I did at that moment.
When they started touching us, talking to us like that… I couldn´t believe how graphic the descriptions of what they were willing to do to us were getting.
"Let´s take the bitches outside and shoot them after we are done", one of them suggested. "Let the neighbors hear everything".
"Let them join", another one added as he pinched Tatiana so hard I am surprised she didn´t bleed. "These four are public property now!"
They were laughing maniacally, like actual demons from a horror story.
Poor Tanya was a saint. She pleaded with them. She tried to shield us.
Our dear Nastya is too young to have heard such filth, to have been groped in such a way. She looked so scared and confused. I feared so much more for her.
The hands of those beastly men are still stuck in my body, just like the dry blood is stuck in my hair. The memories themselves are so engraved in my mind I doubt even a shower would help. It is unbearable.
Even then I can´t help but be thankful. They only groped us. As revolting and violating as that felt, I know it could have been so much worse. I am not stupid.
I am sure God protected us from any further indignation the same way He protected my sisters in the Rus. Olga and Tatiana told me they hadn´t been allowed to lock their cabin doors at night, but fortunately, had not been bothered.
My sisters and I are not as badly injured as our poor Alyosha either. It pains my soul to imagine how scared he must have felt down there, alone in that cellar, while being attacked by the same monstrous man who gave me a nosebleed. The same monstrous man who had already tried to stab him before with a diabolical viciousness that should only be reserved for the most powerful enemies in battle, not helpless children. Our poor baby then had his wounds stitched by that other murderer without any painkillers. Every time those thoughts cross my mind, I kiss his temple and hug him even tighter. He never wants to pull away, and neither do I.
We have no idea where they are taking us or for what purpose. We are as clueless as I was back when I accompanied my parents to Ekaterinburg without knowing what the future had in store for us. Now we know.
I will never travel with my parents again, take a walk with papa again, talk and joke with him and Nastya again, or have fun doing silly things like breaking the ice with him again. I can´t stand it. He was the kindest and gentlest of fathers.
He could have easily comforted me with a simple hug and a few hopeful words. I am sure that if papa were here, I would have already laughed about what those men said to us. I would feel safe right now.
But he is gone, and he left in such a terrible way as well... my heart broke in half right after the first bullet. As I let out a bitter sob, it is me who hugs Alexei tighter for comfort this time.
And mama, my poor darling mama. I already miss talking to her. I am going to miss her soft voice as we prayed together. I am going to miss the funny faces and sounds she made at babies.
I am even going to miss helping her with daily chores, being her legs. Having to do so secretly annoyed me when I was a little girl. Those sorts of tasks always suited Tanya better, but now I wish I could spend every single day of my life with mama rather than not a day more. Mama will never tease me again, or meet my future husband. She won´t be there to calm my fears the morning of my wedding, and won´t meet her grandchildren.
Mama will not make those silly sounds and faces at my babies like I always imagined she would.
I suddenly realize even my bitter thoughts are exceedingly optimistic, because I don´t know for certain whether we will ever be allowed to get married.
What could possibly stop them from keeping us prisoners forever? Nothing, but I don´t care.
It was always "us seven". I used to imagine my parents, sisters, and brother playing with their little nieces and nephews whenever I felt scared or anxious about the future. While we were separated for the very first time, fantasizing about this in great detail would always lift my spirits.
Now our separation is permanent, and any future is gray without papa and mama. Thinking of my hypothetical children no longer fills me with joy.
Oo
Time passes. Our tears remain silent. I feel empty.
Even after we have all stopped crying no one says a word. Everyone has the same serious and resigned expression. Our eyes are puffy and red.
Maybe my siblings are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or trying and failing to console others, or they are, like me, so shocked and disillusioned by everything we have gone through that there are no words that can express how we feel.
The only time any of us breaks the silence is to ask for permission to go to the bathroom, or in my brother´s case, to ask me to carry him there. After I have carried him back, I notice how tired he is and insist that he lie down and rest his head on my lap. He falls asleep soon and I try to do the same.
Terrifying thoughts disturb my sleep almost immediately.
I see mama and papa´s bodies. The guards keep shooting at us. I watch as Olenka and Tatianushka are shot in the head.
Nastya is bayoneted like Anna was, she is asking for help… and I am paralyzed. I can´t do anything about it. I even feel the pain of the bullets as they pierce my skin.
I am so tired I wish I could drop dead right now, but the terror chases my sleep, is engraved in my body, and follows me wherever I go. I can´t go on without them. Nothing makes sense… what am I supposed to do without my parents?!
I wake up with a scream, but soon find out I only screamed in my nightmare.
It would be silent if it weren't for the locomotive. My immediate impression is that everything has been a bad dream, but that impression doesn´t last long.
We are on a train without papa and mama. My already swollen eyes fill with tears, and I don't hold them back.
Alexei still sleeps with his head on my lap and his legs resting in the seat. Tatiana and Anastasia are sleeping in uncomfortable positions. Olga is awake. She is not crying anymore, not even silently, but having done so for such a long time has made her swollen face almost unrecognizable.
"Papa told me it was important to forgive everyone, and that it was what he had done," she says in a low tone of voice. "It is easy to do when all you have to forgive are disrespectful people. It is harder to do when you have been seriously wronged."
I am in awe, not because of anything she said, but because she is talking. I don´t know what to say. I didn´t even want to talk. Not for a thousand years.
I know how important forgiveness is, but I love papa so much that forgiving those who killed him would feel like a betrayal, even though I know it is what he would have wanted. To be honest, forgiveness is the least of my worries right now. How can I forgive when I don´t even know how to breathe without being in pain?
Still, I don't want to ignore my sister, who must also feel miserable. I try to think of something to say, and my mind jumps straight to papa, papa and his last words. I think of how much I wish I could be with him in heaven right now, with our Lord as well, in their arms...
"Before he died…" I mention, reluctantly, "the last thing he did was ask God to forgive them, as Jesus did on the cross. But we don't have to do that just yet, I don't feel ready."
Olga's eyes fill with tears as she nods.
"It is just so hard," her voice breaks. "I mean, I knew this could happen, and mama knew too. Remember all those lessons she gave us about suffering whenever she taught us theology?"
"Yes," I sigh in confirmation. Theory is much easier than practice.
"She said suffering prepares our souls for heaven and brings us closer to God", Tatiana has woken up from her nap. She starts nodding frantically in an attempt to stop herself from crying again. She fails, and Olga strokes her back as she weeps.
"They are, in… heaven, now, my dears", Tatiana pants. "There is no suffering, there, God is just, testing us, right now."
Olga puts her arms around our sister, who keeps weeping into her shoulder.
"Mama did try to prepare us in case something happened, but she never lost hope we would be rescued", Olga mutters with a soft, maybe weak, tone of voice. "I never lost hope either, I mean… I did understand it was unlikely, but deep down I always hoped I was wrong."
"Do you think we should start praying for their souls?" Tatiana asks, sniveling, as she pulls away. "And… and also, for Jesus and the Virgin to give us a little bit of comfort?" She wipes her tears and then continues: "I know it is a little bit too soon for this, but it is true. We will see papa and mama again, no matter what happens, but we have to live for them whatever time we have left."
"Yes, dear", I nod.
I get the urge to kiss my poor sister on the cheeks, so I move a bit forward to reach her, and a small glimmer of peace fills my heart when I show her my affection. Olga strokes my hair as well, and an image of heaven appears in my mind as if it were a vision. A small comfort after what those beasts did to them. A victory over the murderers. It isn´t strong enough to stop another sob from escaping my throat, and then more, louder ones.
Feeling me move has awakened Alexei, who then proceeds to straighten up. Anastasia is awakened by my noise.
Alexei yelps, and I am cruelly reminded of his injuries.
"Are you all right?" Tanya asks him. "Does it hurt too much?"
"No, no", he assures us. "I am fine."
His eyes look so empty… the sacks under them accentuate this impression. I remember that moment in the cellar when I feared for his life. The bayonet thrusts of that creature. I remember the way he screamed while that man was fixing him up and I want to cry out for him again, but I suppress the urge.
"Let me make sure the stitches are in place…" Tatiana continues, quickly wiping away her tears and leaving her seat. "I am not even sure that animal knew how to stitch properly."
"I am fine," Alexei groans, but he allows Tatiana to check the wounds in his hands and stomach. My sister then puts the bandages back in place.
Olga is composed and Tatiana is already doing something useful, so I should be strong for my younger siblings as well. I wipe my tears and breathe in and out deeply.
"Seems everything is fine, thank the Lord," Tatiana says, crossing herself. Olga and I cross ourselves as well.
"It is such a shame you are hurt again after you were starting to get better," my little sister Anastasia laments.
"We are going to start praying now," I inform Alexei and Nastya, trying to appear calm. "Do you want to join in?"
They both nod, but I can tell they are not in the mood. We still pray for mama and papa to be with God in a better place. We pray for Russia, for the war to end, for comfort and unity, and for the safety of our friends and relatives under arrest. We pray for a long time. We tell each other stories about several Christian martyrs to put the excruciating pain we are experiencing right now into perspective, and after doing so, begin feeling grateful enough to thank God for sparing our lives. We begin fearing what the future holds as well though, so we pray about it too.
The five of us cry as we pray. Sometimes we sob. Healing tears, I think. After we are done, Olga reminds us that whatever comes from God we have to accept.
"We may not understand His reasons now", she tells us, "but He knows why He allows things to happen".
Her voice is still so soft and weak. It is hard for her to accept, but she has such a strong faith.
The little ones' moods change a bit. They are not their rambunctious selves, of course. They haven't even smiled, but they seem calmer. In the end we all hug, kiss, and cry tears of relief instead of just anguish. I kiss Tatiana more than the others, as I am grateful for the way she suggested praying and thus pulled us out of the cycle, at least for now.
I feel like I can talk about other things now. The anguish will always be there, this I know, but not every single second of the day.
"I love you all so much", Olga says, tearfully, but smiling. "Mama would be proud of you, Tanya."
We all hug each other again. I love them so much as well. Of course mama would be proud. Tatiana is living up to her nickname: "The Governess". She has always guided us on the right path, and now, Tatiana is acting like a mother to us all after our terrible loss.
We stay in peaceful silence for one or two minutes.
"It is the morning already," Anastasia suddenly points out as she peeks at the window.
"We were told not to look Nastya," Tatiana reprimands her. "We don´t know what these men are capable of."
"I wonder what time it is," I say.
"I am hungry," Alexei announces. "Is anyone else hungry?" He asks shyly. I am hungry too, I come to realize. It must be 11 AM at least.
"I think I would be if my stomach didn´t hurt so badly", Anastasia groans. "You know... where the bullet hit. You all saw it, didn't you? Mama's jewels saved us".
Amidst new tears, the five of us talk about the different ways in which the jewels protected us. Recalling the cellar scares Alexei most of all, so I allow him to hide his face in my chest and cry. Now I understand what happened to my beloved siblings a lot more clearly. I understand why none of that killed them.
"I will thank God every second of each day you received that bruise", I lean over to kiss my little sister on her wet cheek. "If it weren't for mama's jewels, all but I would be dead. I wouldn't have known what to do, I would have sunk into despair."
"It was a miracle", Tatiana's tears roll down. "Mama's love protected us four, and God protected you, Masha".
"I saw your bruises", I look at each of my sisters. "They were all horrendous, are you sure you are not in pain? Is there anything I can do?" Anything, I would do anything for them.
"It comes and goes", Tatiana admits, "sometimes it is fine, sometimes it is unbearable, and sometimes it is hard to breathe". She wipes her tears, nodding.
"I find it hard to breathe as well", Olga grunts. "But my pain doesn't come and go, it is always unbearable. I can't even touch my chest anymore, it is so sore, but don't worry Masha, I don't think there is anything that can be done right now." Alyosha is now looking at us four with discernible concern. Detecting this, Olga changes the subject and talks directly at him. "It is good you are hungry. You are only hungry when healthy, but am not too sure about asking the guards for food".
"I agree, we don't know if they are the friendly type," Tatiana concurs. "But of course they must feed us sooner or later, they let us live for a reason. If you want, I can ask them later, but I can't promise you anything."
"I think we should ask them for food over and over again until we make them go mad," Anastasia blurts out. No one laughs at poor Nastya's premature joke, so she blushes and lowers her chin.
It was clearly an ill-thought-out attempt to cheer everyone up, so I indulge my little sister with a sad half-smile when she looks back up at me.
"Not now Nastya," Tanya scolds her, whether it was for the joke or for suggesting that we provoke the guards I can't be sure. "First we need to get to know them better and see what we are dealing with".
"I miss the nice guards in Tobolsk," Alexei laments. "They were nice to papa and mama."
He tries to hold back his tears but fails miserably. My heart breaks for him.
"I know baby," Tatiana sympathizes, leaning to give his skinny long hand a squish. Watching him cry makes her and I both tear up as well.
Most of the guards in Tobolsk were indeed very nice. They behaved in a gentlemanly manner towards us. Some of them even played cards with papa and Alexei. One taught my little brother how to use a bow and arrow. A more typical boy could not exist, so of course, Alexei was delighted.
"But some of the guards in Ekaterinburg were also nice, remember the one that gave Mashka a cake for her birthday?" Anastasia attempts to lighten the mood once again, this time, it seems, for the sake of Alexei.
Tatiana flinches. Silence reigns and Anastasia looks down again.
None of us are in the mood to talk about that, but I pity my baby sister too much not to.
"I don't recall," I roll my eyes, wiping my tears and pretending to be offended. I do recall, he brought us cake and we small talked. He wasn't supposed to be talking to us though, so it was a one-time thing.
"The cake was disgusting as well," Olga remembers, raising and then lowering her eyebrows.
"Poor dear," I say, remembering the guard in question, his name was Ivan. "He probably didn't have any good ingredients to make it, but it was a very nice gesture. I honestly don´t know what happened to him, I hope he is doing fine".
"Do you think …" Alexei mutters, nervous about what he is going to ask, "he would have been capable of doing… that… if ordered to? Killing papa and mama, I mean, Yur… that man… was also nice when he first arrived, and he asked me about my health and stuff."
"He also said there would be no more stealing of our valuables, and when he first arrived the new guards he brought with him behaved better," Olga adds, conceding his point.
No one talks. I had never thought of that… would he?
"I don't think so," Anastasia reassures our brother, but I am not sure whether she really means it or is only trying to comfort him. "Most of the guards who took part in the shooting weren´t even allowed to talk to us, remember? Even papa tried to chat with them, and they usually shut all of us down. Yurovsky was the exception because he was the commander, so he had to talk to us, and all that worrying about your health was probably him trying to make us lower our guard, don´t you think? Also, that nonsense about taking us to a safer place only to shoot at us instead, what is up with that?"
"Whatever way the new guards treat us we can't afford to trust them so easily," Tatiana warns us. "We must be careful."
I don't say anything, but I don't know what is the use of being careful around the guards, of mistrusting them, when we are at their mercy either way. All the trust in the guards I had left disappeared the moment they decided to kill our parents and friends, but that didn´t stop them from humiliating us and stealing all of our jewels. If I ever meet a friendly guard again, and assuming I am allowed to talk to him, I won´t miss the opportunity to do so.
"Well, I don't care about the guards anymore!" Anastasia declares as she crosses her arms. "I only want them to let us go outside for longer than five miserable minutes and that they don't paint the windows white, or threaten to shoot us whenever we try to open them for fresh air."
"Ugh, yes!" Tatiana agrees. "Those windows were so bad for mama's health, they only made her headaches worse."
The mention of mama's sad last days makes us all silent and gloomy for the rest of the ride.
Oo
"Look! The train is stopping! We are in a station!" Anastasia exclaims, taking a small glance through the curtains. Alexei tries to get a glimpse too.
"Don't move the curtains!" One of the guards, who looks around the same age as Anastasia, orders loudly while entering the cabin. Anastasia and Alexei quickly go back to their positions.
"Comrade! Comrade!" Olga shouts before he leaves, using the word mockingly. "Do you have anything to eat?"
She is being too daring. A horrifying thought crosses my mind: I imagine that guard suddenly pulling out his revolver and shooting my sister in the head without even a warning.
Tatiana's eyes open wide in fear. She must be thinking the same thing.
"No," he answers in a serious tone. "And you are not my comrade, citizen Romanova".
"But we are starving!" Anastasia exaggerates, imitating Olga.
I panic and stay completely still.
"You will be fed once you arrive at your assigned location," he states.
"Please give us food!" Anastasia pleads loudly, almost yelling, as she extends the back of her palm over her forehead melodramatically. Alexei starts laughing. He hadn't even smiled before and yet he is laughing. I am happy for him, but scared. Tatiana and I smile nervously.
"Be quiet," the guard grumbles, then he walks away. I breathe deeply.
For a second all the hurt fades, then something amazing happens. We all laugh. Tatiana didn't want to, but eventually gave in.
"Are you crazy?!" Tanya snaps at Olga once the amusement subsides. "He could have killed you!"
Olga simply shrugs.
Suddenly a mundane thought occurs to me:
"We are going to die of boredom".
"Why?" Tatiana asks.
"We left all of our belongings in Ekaterinburg: books, clothes, card games, everything!"
Anastasia sinks dramatically to the ground, pretending to faint, when she hears me say this. This is why I love her so much.
"You can now get out," the young guard who had previously scolded us announces. "You have arrived at your destination, follow me."
Anastasia straightens up quickly.
"Where are we?" Alyosha asks when I pick him up, something I will probably have to do more often now that papa is gone. I am the strongest of the sisters.
The guard doesn't answer the question, he takes us through the door outside the train.
We all walk through the station with five guards walking around us. I manage to ask a passing woman what station we are in, but one of the guards covers my sight of her and orders us to walk faster before she can answer.
Leaving the station, we are met by a horse-led covered wagon. I become worried that the bumps in the road will become a problem for Alexei, who is still recovering from his latest hemophilia attack. We have no choice but to get in though.
There are soldiers, probably our new guards, riding other horses ahead and behind our carriage.
The sky is blue. I can hear people talking, birds singing, horses neighing, and soldiers marching. This place is such a different world from the horror we left that I begin feeling as if our recent experience were nothing but a horrible nightmare.
I am in a dream once again. It couldn't have happened. For an instant, I even become excited about our new location, which immediately makes me feel guilty. I am brought back to a depressing state.
There is nothing to look forward to. My siblings must feel the same way, because they are very quiet during the entire journey. All of us start crying again at some point.
We travel through what looks too big to be a village, but I don't know whether we are in a town or a city. The houses and the churches don't look much different from the ones at Tobolsk, which reminds me of how much I wish they would let us go to church, even though I know it is unlikely.
Finally, we stop by a house on the outskirts of the town or city, near the countryside.
The dwelling emulates a traditional Russian peasant log house, but it is a lot bigger, although not nearly as big as the Ipatiev House. It is painted blue and has white decorations. My siblings and I turn our tear-strained faces towards the mansion and stare with curiosity.
"Papa would have loved it here," I hear Olga say with her sad and dull voice. "He always loved Russian designs such as these."
My interest in the house disappears. It will be such a trial to live anywhere without papa.
"Maybe he is watching from heaven," Anastasia comments in a shaky voice. My dear baby sister was sobbing uncontrollably just seconds before. Poor thing. I know she is right.
"Well, we are here, what exactly are you waiting for?" One of the guards all but grumbles in a condescending manner that frightens me. I realize I can no longer feel anger towards any of these men, they scare me so.
He does offer Olga his hand in order to help her get out of the carriage though, so I relax. He does the same for all of us.
"Do you want me to carry him?" He asks, referring to Alexei.
"No thanks," I answer, suddenly feeling protective.
"Suit yourself."
He walks ahead of us.
The inside of the house is well furnished and looks cozy. A slender old man with a white beard and blue eyes covered by glasses receives us in the living room and invites us to sit.
"Are these the Romanov citizens?" The old man asks one of the guards that accompanied us.
"Yes," the guard, who is a blond, responds.
The old man stares at us. He reminds me so much of Dr. Botkin that for a moment I feel the urge to cry again, but then I hear the front door from which we entered close, reminding me we are this man's prisoners and will probably never mean anything to him the way we did for our friend Eugene Botkin.
"I am going to call each of you by your name", he explains. "If I am right you say yes, if I am wrong please correct me". After adjusting his glasses he prepares to read from a paper: "We are going to have to do this every day… Olga Nikolaevna Romanova?"
He points a finger at my oldest sister.
"Yes," she confirms. He then calls Tatiana, me, Anastasia, and finally, my baby brother.
Poor Anastasia was still crying when her turn came.
"Let me introduce myself," the old stranger begins after he is done identifying us. "I am Commander Pavel Antonovich, and I am going to oversee you during your stay here. We need to talk about the rules. First of all, your rooms and bathroom will be upstairs, and the rooms and bathroom of the guards, including myself, will be downstairs. You can move freely inside the house, but you can´t go inside the guards' rooms or bathroom, are we clear?"
We all nod. Seems little has changed.
"The guards are not allowed upstairs without my permission, so they will not bother you except during roll calls," he continues. "I was informed you wouldn´t bring any possessions with you so I took the liberty of buying an extra set of clothes for each of you so you can have something to wear whenever one set is dirty, but that is all. They are already in your rooms."
I am impressed by his kindness and consideration, but don´t allow myself to get my hopes up.
"You are also allowed to go outside anytime you want, but you need to ask for permission and will be followed around by the guards, you can't leave any further than the fence either," he proceeds. "If you need anything, my office is downstairs in the basement after walking through the first door right from the main entrance."
I can't believe my ears.
"Are there no limits to the time outside?" Anastasia asks, smiling at us as she wipes her tears.
Alexei wipes his own tears and returns our sister a sad smile. Something changes within me. Maybe there is hope for the future after all. Maybe I am just relieved, because soon I will be able to properly enjoy the sunlight without the constant anxiety of knowing our time will be up. We have been deprived of the sun for so long that this feels like a huge kindness.
"I am well aware these are more freedoms than you were allowed in your previous location. Use them wisely and don´t make me regret requesting them for you," he says. "If any of you escape, all the consequences will fall on me, remember that and don´t get me into trouble".
This man and his kindness remind me a lot of Commander Pankratov in Tobolsk, who once even asked us if we had enough books to read.
"We won´t cause you any trouble sir," Tatiana promises. "Are we allowed to send letters?"
"I am afraid not," Pavel answers with an apologetic tone. "You are not allowed to receive them either, I am sorry to say. No one is even supposed to know you are alive until the negotiations for your release are successful."
I feel sad about this, I wanted so badly to get some news about Aunt Olga´s baby, Tikhon.
"What negotiations?" Olga asks.
"I am really not supposed to talk to you about that, children," he answers. "Any more questions?"
It surprises me that he called us children, not that it bothers me, but only Alexei and arguably Anastasia fit into that category. Part of me is relieved by what this man sees in us, which is something so unthreatening and even irrelevant that we might as well be children.
Maybe he will make the others realize the same thing, maybe they will let us go. Maybe it was a nightmare after all. If only, if only…
"Where are we?" Anastasia blurts out before I can ask the same.
"You are in the city of Perm, about 291 kilometers from Ekaterinburg," he says, standing up. "Now, I am guessing you must be very hungry. Would you prefer to have breakfast or a bath first?"
-References to murder, violence, injury, sexual assault and forced stripping.