Tatiana Nikolaevna Romanova.
I thought we had experienced a collective foreboding during the last obednitsa. Olga and I talked a lot about it during our last days in that dreadful house. She was as sure as I was.
Obednitsa is an abbreviated liturgy without communion, unlike obednya, the full mass.
It is customary to read "at rest with saints" at a certain point during obednitsa. But for some reason, instead of reading, the deacon sang this prayer and the father went along. As soon as they started singing, my family and I felt this sudden urge to fall to our knees in prayer. Alexei, of course, was the only one who stayed in his wheelchair.
Discussing that moment subsequently, my family and I understood we had all come into contact with the same spiritual comfort. Olga and I suspected the end was approaching after being imprisoned for so long. We were also ready, because, after that last obednitsa, we felt as if we had already attended our own funeral. As much as mama tried to give us hope for a rescue, she also kept talking to us about the Christian martyrs, and Obadiah 1:4. "Though you soar aloft like the eagle, though your nest is set among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the LORD."
When papa was shot dead, I hoped the suffering would end for us all as Olga and I had a feeling it would.
I can´t imagine a future without papa and mama. I always thought I would remain home to take care of my parents in their old age. I know we must accept God had other plans, but I am just heartbroken.
In the morning, while I took my bath, I tried to cry and scream as much as I needed to so I could be strong for my siblings later. The last thing they need now is to watch the person they look up to for support and guidance barely holding on herself. I ended up needing almost an hour to cry out and that still didn´t prevent me from crying again. I am not even sure it will prevent me from doing so in the future. God help me, I am now the closest thing the little ones have to a mother. I need to be strong.
Anna ´s screams while being stabbed. The stinging pain caused by a man pinching my nipple. The pain I still feel on the side of my head. On my rib. My poor sisters screaming around me, also being molested. None of that leaves my thoughts for more than a few minutes. But amusingly, what bothers me the most is the fact those men stole our jewels, because they were not just jewels, not for me. My dear precious mama worked so hard to hide them in order to provide for her children in exile. I still remember the mischievous twinkle in her eyes the day she suggested it, when we created the code of the "medicines". Those jewels represented mama´s love for us. Mama´s love, which protected us from the bullets.
I was almost unable to talk to Mr. Antonovich. His office in the basement was too similar to the place where our parents had been murdered so shockingly just hours before. Did he place his office in the basement on purpose? Was it a cruel joke? I know my thoughts are irrational, but I have them just the same...
When I first tried to climb down the stairs, I had to immediately run back up and wait for my tears to stop flowing and my nerves to calm before I finally picked up the courage to try again.
After the incident with that unkind guard that insulted my sister and attacked my brother, we all cried again and decided to do so upstairs, with no guards around to bother us.
Still in tears, Olga, Maria, and I started to put our room back in order while Anastasia and Alexei explored theirs.
We feel much better now. Keeping ourselves busy sure does help force our minds away from those horrible images.
While cleaning up what is going to be our room for God knows how much time, I ask Olga what she thinks the Bolsheviks´ intentions are with us. She doesn´t have an answer that isn´t pessimistic, and yet seems alarmingly calm, like she doesn´t care anymore. Maybe that is why she acted the way she did with that guard on the train. I wish she felt something at least, even absolute terror, like me, so I could have someone to share it with. I don´t want to scare the little pair, or Alexei.
"Only God knows what will happen to us", she shrugs. "Maybe we will stay here all our lives, who knows, I only care about being together. We will see mama and papa again sooner or later, that is all that matters."
I decide not to press the matter forward.
"We will get through this united and with more faith than ever, you will see", Masha touches my shoulder and wipes a tear away from Olga, who gives her a sad smile. "God will not abandon us."
My poor Masha is trying to be so strong as well...
I hear footsteps of men climbing up the stairs. I don´t panic until I step outside the room and see that one of them is Tabakov, the man who pushed down my brother. He is heading straight to Anastasia and Alexei´s room with Commander Antonovich. Wiping my face with an arm, I immediately rush to see what is going on.
It would have been amusing if it weren´t for our situation. My brother shot the man with a slingshot from the window.
Thank God the incident isn´t taken seriously by Antonovich, who only takes the slingshot away.
"I can´t believe you could be so careless," I scold my two youngest siblings once the commander has left the room. "Shvibzik, why didn´t you stop Alyosha from doing that?"
"He didn´t do it, I did!" Anastasia corrects me, more to get credit for what she probably considers an amazing deed than to absolve her brother from the blame.
"Well, whoever did it, you can't go around doing things that could get us into trouble, understand? And you Alexei, sit down, your knee isn't healed yet and you recently got hurt".
He groans, but listens to me. The little one has become upset again. I don´t need to ask him the reason why. Thank God his injuries weren´t serious. The dreadful man who patched him up is no doctor, as he claimed to be when we first met him, but seems to have had some experience either as a medic or an orderly during the war.
The truth is I am impressed by Nastya´s good aim, and that rude and violent man didn't deserve anything less, but we can't afford to test the patience of our jailers. I wish my youngest siblings understood that.
I wonder though, how can they even act so childishly following the recent events? I am thinking of Anastasia most of all. The only thing which makes sense to me is that what happened today was so immensely awful and nightmarishly that they still can't fully believe it actually took place.
Galina serves us dinner while talking to us about the city. What a sweet old lady, and yet I wish she wouldn´t talk to us so freely... maybe in a few days, but right now I don´t feel like doing so at all, with anyone. Maria volunteers to feed Ortipo this time and Olga is once again helping Alyosha with the food. My older sister hasn´t smiled at all since that last moment on the train. Anastasia still feels nauseous. She even threw up a bit earlier, so she is only drinking water.
"Poor Ortipo doesn´t look healthy," Masha laments as she gives my little French bulldog a piece of ham. "She has been whining and barking all day long, and look at her little ears, all pinned back".
"Poor thing," Anastasia concurs. She is sitting next to Maria, and so, starts petting Ortipo.
"Maybe the sound of the gunshots has made her anxious darlings, she will probably get better in a few days, don´t worry," I say.
"So, you have all gone to England?" Galina asks us, taking a seat at the table.
"Yes, in 1909," I reply, trying to be polite.
"How interesting! Did you hear that Oleg? You always wanted to visit England!"
Oleg, who is yet again keeping watch over us along with another guard, doesn´t say a word to her grandmother. What a rude man! How could a boy raised by such a nice woman turn out to be like that? Oleg is slightly taller than me. His grey eyes are small and almond-shaped, his nose is straight, and the little hair I see that isn´t covered by his fur hat is reddish-brown.
"Yes, grandmother," Oleg acknowledges her after almost an entire minute.
"I hope we are not exiled," Olga says, "but if we are, England would be a nice place".
"I am glad to hear you say that," I tell her, surprised to hear some optimism coming out of her mouth. "We should try to hope for the best".
"It will be so sad to leave Russia, right?" Alexei laments. "Papa said it was our duty to stay here in such difficult times".
"I know darling, but this is out of our hands, it is not unlikely we will be exiled", I explain. "The King must be bargaining for our release right now."
"I wonder why that idiot didn´t help us earlier," Anastasia scowls as tears form in her eyes. Maria and Alexei open their eyes wide.
"Nastya!" I exclaim. "He is papa´s cousin and they loved each other a lot! The King probably didn´t realize the seriousness of our situation".
"Whatever," she rolls her eyes and continues petting Ortipo. The rest of the meal is silent, except for the sniveling sounds Masha starts to make. Galina doesn't talk to us after that. I feel sorry for her.
After dinner, my sisters and I go outside with Galina for the first time. As usual, Maria carries Alexei.
The sun is still up, although not for much longer, and the grass looks very green. The fence is covered with roses. On the right, furthest away from the mansion, there is a huge tree with two swings attached to one of the branches.
"The place itself is beautiful", Olga says to me in a dull tone of voice.
"Tanechka! Can we go to the swing?" Alexei exclaims while pointing at it. He hadn't talked much since the last incident with the guard, so for once I become relieved instead of unsettled by his interest in some distraction.
"Baby you know very well you can't", I tell him, feeling sorry for having to do so. "You will not be able to sit straight with the wounds in your stomach or even hold the ropes with your hands properly."
Alexei pouts, but the disappointment fades away quickly after he gives the swing one last empty stare.
"When you get better, I will swing with you," Masha assures him with a sad smile. She was crying a few minutes ago. This entire day has consisted of that.
"But I will do so fist," Anastasia adds, and Alexei gives both our sisters another sad half-smile.
We help Galina with the laundry and hang our recently washed set of clothes to dry. Alexei sits on the grass nearby and pets Ortipo.
For some reason Anastasia starts hitting Maria with one of the wet shirts. Maria tries to smile as she hits her back with the shirt she was supposed to be hanging. It is clearly not like the times we screamed with joy and excitement as we played hide and seek.
I don't have the heart to tell Anastasia her behavior is inappropriate anymore. She is the same little girl that banged her head against the table, the one who clung to me with fear and despair just hours ago. Olga and I keep working, trying to ignore Nastya's sloppy attempt to cheer Maria up. Maria tries to play along at first, but ends up bursting into sobs after yelling at Anastasia to stop, placing my youngest sister on the verge of tears. I move to comfort her, but she runs towards Alexei.
Oo
Being outside in this good weather is helpful either way, at least for me. There is something about the sun that makes the mere idea of what happened today in that sinister dark cellar impossible. Maria told me she felt the same way at some point, but the sun doesn't seem to be helping her right now. I am watching as she walks around the garden. She often looks up at the sky with tears rolling down her cheeks, possibly in an attempt to pull herself together. My heart cries for her.
After we are done hanging everything, Olga and I lie on the grass. Galina enters the house again to finish cleaning the rooms downstairs.
I tell Alexei and Anastasia, who were playing with Ortipo without much enthusiasm, to let my dog run around for a while.
The five of us end up sitting on the grass close together. I sit next to Anastasia, who begins weeping on Olga's lap after a few minutes. Silent tears are about to roll down from my older sister's eyes as well.
"What is it?" I ask her.
"Oh, you know what", Olga replies. Nostalgia, probably, for the times we took pictures together, sleeping on the grass. Papa was there most of the time. We talk about it, and I realize that despite our differences, we can read each other the best. Olga and I make sure Anastasia is comfortable as we cuddle together on the grass.
Oo
Maria still weeps, then sobs. Her arms are around our little brother. She is still rocking him. Alexei leans on her shoulder, crying silently. He talks to her in a soft voice at times, but mainly looks at our sister with the same empty eyes he used to stare at the swing. One time he whispers something in Maria's ear, something that, by saying it, makes Alexei burst into sobs and Maria become even more emotional. They keep comforting each other for hours. We all keep doing so.
Oo
The sun is about to set when Oleg and Galina approach us. Oleg has a Bible in his hand, did the commander ask him to give it to us? I stand up and walk towards him to receive it. My movement startles Anastasia, who jumps for fright.
Galina sits next to us and Olga starts talking to her. Oleg rudely ignores me in favor of my younger sister Maria though, so I have no choice but to sit back down awkwardly.
"Maria Nikolaevna?" He begins, almost shyly. My sister, whose face is still wet with tears, stands up in order to talk to him.
"The commander told us you had asked for a Bible, I don't use this one," Oleg tries to hand it over to Maria, but before the book reaches her hands, Anastasia snatches it away.
"Look Olga, here it is!" Nastya exclaims, and Olga does receive the Bible. Oleg, however, stays with Maria and smiles at her. Alexei cocks his head as he watches.
"Thank you," Masha's voice is shaky as she wipes her eyes and tries to smile. "We left all our religious books and icons in Ekaterinburg, they didn't give us time to pack anything, so it will be a blessing to have it".
"Well, I am glad I could be of use," he replies. "It is hard being alone without your parents for the first time".
What does he think he is doing? Maria's eyes fill with tears again at the mention of our parents, making me feel genuine hatred for the man.
"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to remind you or anything," Oleg apologizes.
"Oh, Oleg, you finally talked to one of the girls!" Galina gushes. The old woman is sitting only one or two meters away, but she just noticed Oleg and Maria are having a conversation. Oleg gives his grandmother a death stare, and for once I feel sorry for him. He is clearly embarrassed by his grandmother's tone-deaf interruption. On the other hand, I want to congratulate Galina, because there is no one who deserves this more than that man.
"No, don't worry," Maria responds, making Oleg turn his attention back to her. She wipes a tear away from each eye. "So, do you want to get married?"
"What?" Oleg is taken by surprise. Is he blushing? Galina smiles. Olga almost does.
"What I meant is, do you ever want to get married?" Maria chuckles a little. "I wasn't proposing".
"Oh, yea, no that is not in my plans at the moment," he replies, smiling.
"Bah!" Galina exclaims. This time I can't help but grin at Galina. Maria forces herself not to smile.
"So, if you don´t mind me asking, where did you fight?" Masha asks Oleg.
"Look at that," Olga whispers in my ear, "grumpy Oleg softened in the presence of our Masha".
"Well, I don´t like it," I whisper back so that Galina can't hear me. "He isn't a very decent man. What are his intentions with her?"
"Nothing bad will happen Tanechka, let her be distracted, God knows we need it", Olga sighs. "We are watching her."
Oleg and Maria slowly walk away from us as they continue their conversation.
Galina starts talking to both Anastasia and Alexei. My youngest siblings were petting Ortipo when Galina joined them. Galina pets Ortipo as well, but she also baby-talks to my dog as if she were a toddler and not an animal, which is both amusing and endearing, to say the least. It reminds me so much of mama...
After a few minutes, I hear Maria giggling. I cannot believe my ears. Actual giggles. She is walking back towards us with Oleg by her side.
"I convinced Oleg to tell us about how he earned the medal," Masha tells me and Olga. "Let´s go sit with the little ones".
"My siblings and I will be glad to hear it, Oleg," Olga says.
Oleg stands in front of us. Maria sits next to us. Aside from the swelling in her face, she is glowing. Galina grins.
"Yes, Maria told me her brother would like to hear about my medal," Oleg explains.
"Yes please!" Anastasia exclaims. Alexei´s subsequent smile doesn´t reach his tired and puffy eyes. They still look so sad, poor dears...
"All right," Oleg says without much enthusiasm. "I joined the army in late 1915, but I earned the cross fighting at Galicia, during the offensive of June 1916".
"Oh, I remember that one!" Alexei exclaims, finally seeming interested. "Papa told us we took many prisoners!"
"Yes, we also had many loses," Oleg adds solemnly, making me feel a bit of pity for the man. Sure he is rude, but papa would have probably respected him for fighting for our country. "Anyway, our battalion was given the task of attacking a weak point in the Austrian lines. We thought most of the Austrian trenches in that area had been destroyed by previous artillery attacks, which we heard had worked very well during the offensive. When we approached, however, 100 meters or so from the enemy, we were met by a considerable amount of gunfire. Two of my friends next to me dropped dead."
Anastasia and Alexei listen attentively with serious expressions.
"At first I tried to keep walking and ignore the fire," Oleg continues, looking down at his hands, "but it was proving to be impossible, more and more men were dying or being wounded around me. Some others were starting to shoot back, but we were at a disadvantage, because they had cover and we didn´t. Since there were only about 50 meters left between the enemy and me, and I would probably drop dead just like the others sooner or later, I decided to take my chances and run as fast as I could towards them, trying not to do so in a straight line. When I got to the enemy trench, I started shooting every Austrian I saw as fast as I could. I bayoneted them when I ran out of bullets. Then the rest of our men arrived seconds later, following me. I later discovered I had helped my battalion break through the Austrian lines. We got reinforcements later and kept advancing."
We are silent for a while, Galina looks at her grandson with pride in her eyes.
"Awesome!" Alexei exclaims, but he soon realizes his over-enthusiasm is a little bit out of place. "I mean you were... but I am very sorry for your friends, sir, they were very brave". Oleg gives my brother a quick smile, and then looks back down at his hands.
"Did you ever get wounded?" Maria asks him after a few seconds of silence.
"I did get wounded during the war, just not in that battle", he responds. "It was a bullet that grazed the side of my neck. Fortunately, it didn't touch any arteries."
"It sounds like a miracle," Olga says, "God probably protected you that day".
Oleg doesn´t respond to that.
My brother moves on to ask Oleg lots of questions about the equipment and strategies the soldiers of his regiment used. What they did, where, in what positions, how, when, why... I can´t help but beam at the little one with pride. I understand around half of what he and Oleg talk about next.
The veteran answers all of my brother´s questions politely, which pleases baby. In return, Alexei relates to our new acquaintance what he learned and experienced during the war while he stayed with our father at headquarters. Oleg is quite patient about it.
"Well, I hope you enjoyed the story," Oleg tells us after a while, when it is starting to get darker. "I better go, I have been away from my post for too long". He looks at Maria for a last time and then leaves.
Anastasia runs up the stairs for some cigarettes and matches. The five of us smoke them lying on the grass and stay in the garden to watch the end of the sunset, which makes us all sad again. Maria draws attention to the fact we will never again watch the sunset together as seven again.
Back inside, the commander tells us he has arranged for a priest to come early in the morning for obednya. I thank him from the bottom of my heart and mean it. A priest will give my siblings and I so much comfort after our recent trial.
My four siblings and I pray in the sisters' room. Everything we have gone through feels heavy on my soul. I ask God again to give me strength even through my sadness.
Finally having time to keep grieving after such a busy and stressful day, we cry together once again. We do so for a long time. Heavily, like we did on the train.
For a while we even talk through our tears about the best memories we have of our parents.
"Remember when he buried me in the sand?" Alexei mentions, cleaning his nose with his arm. I give him a piece of paper I brought from the bathroom after we started crying.
"Of course, I do! I think I took the picture", Maria recalls, wiping her tears. "Taking walks in the sand will never be as fun anymore."
"Or anything at all," Olga adds.
"I just hope that wherever they are, they are no longer in pain," I say, remembering mama's constant headaches and other ailments.
Olga and Alexei go as far as briefly joking about our bulletproof jewels, which seems to remind Anastasia of something.
"I have to tell you all something," she suddenly whispers in a barely audible manner. Alexei grins.
"What?" Maria whispers back. Anastasia then pulls three diamonds out of her shoes.
I can't believe it! I start sobbing harder than ever before, this time not only from sadness. It is as if God had listened to the most worrisome of my thoughts… that is stupid, of course God is listening! He never abandons us!
"How?" Olga's eyes widen. Alexei, who apparently already knows, opens his mouth to explain.
"Wait! You knew?!" Maria exclaims. Alexei nods, smiling.
Nastya tells us what she did before Alexei can reply. She is such a quick-witted girl! I can't believe she managed to even think during such a terrible trial for her, let alone actually do it. I say so to her as I ruffle her hair.
"Shvibzik, I officially concede you the title of the smartest in the family," Olga declares in a serious tone. Then, still with tears in our eyes and faces, we start laughing and crying at the same time.
My siblings and I end up huddling together for comfort on the ground. I bring a blanket as well so that underneath its warmth we can all feel as cozy as we will be able to without papa and mama around. We stay like that for over an hour, leaning on our new beds, cuddling and shedding more and more tears without words. It truly is the train all over again. Only Masha, in her unwavering optimism, reminds us every now and then that everything will be all right in the end one way or another, that we just need to trust God. I don't say so, but part of me feels like it is over. We will never be nearly as happy as we were before. Not without our gentle papa and sweet mama, not without their loving warmth. The blanket is useless by comparison. A cruel joke. I miss their presence already. Papa and mama were irreplaceable.
Olga too remains strong. The only one who is no longer weeping. Now that I think about it, she hasn't cried as much as the rest of us have. Even my baby sister Anastasia, with her strange swinging mood, has cried more than my usually melancholic older sister.
Anastasia yawns, interrupting our seemingly endless crying session. I look at her small swollen eyes. She needs rest. We all do.
"I think you two should go to bed now," I tell Anastasia and Alexei. They don´t protest. Masha carries Alexei, tucks him into bed, and makes the sign of the cross upon him. Then Olga, Masha, and I say goodnight to them. I make the sign of the cross upon Anastasia.
"You don´t have to be responsible for everything, you know?" Nastya tells me before I leave.
"What?"
"We are all in this together. It is not only your responsibility to make sure we are coping, they were your parents too. I can help you with anything you need, and I am so sorry about the way I have behaved today… I am just so stressed and confused about everything, I can´t believe they are truly gone, I don´t know how to help or how... I thought I was… I don´t even know…."
Her eyes tear up again, poor dear. I smile at her, feeling proud. My baby sister became a sensitive young woman while I was too busy to notice.
"I know, don´t worry about it, I understand", I whisper to her as I wipe the tears away from her eyes. "We will figure this out together, I love you". I kiss her forehead and go back to my room.
Oo
Olga, Maria, and I have been in bed for little more than a few seconds when we hear drawers being opened and closed in the room next door. We hear giggles as well. Anastasia and Alexei have disobeyed in order to stay up and play for a while longer with whatever it is they will manage to find in the cabinet.
I am far too tired to scold them.
Oo
We haven´t fallen asleep yet.
My head hurts. My rib does as well, and I can´t sleep without hearing screams of horror and pain.
Olenka and Masha are moving in their beds as if they couldn't find the right position. It could be that they are not used to sleeping in beds, or it could be the same thing that is happening to me.
"You can´t sleep?" I ask none of the two in particular.
"No", Maria answers, I can tell she has been crying. "I can´t".
"Me neither Masha", Olga says, sounding calmer than Maria, but on the verge of tears as well. "My chest... and I can´t stop thinking about them".
"Those horrible..." Maria sobs. "The blood pouring out of their bodies, flying all over the cellar… those… other things coming out of them... it is all stuck in my head, I will never be happy again!"
Listening to my usually carefree sister sound so vulnerable makes my heart break. I hate hearing her like that, as if she didn't have an ounce of hope left. That is not her.
I am done being strong. The suffering of my sisters has reminded me of how truly brutal what we just went through really was. I am crying now as well. I have let down my guard.
The concept of execution is completely different from living it, witnessing it. No, I was not prepared. I didn't have a genuine clue nor a foreboding. I wasn't truly ready. How could this have happened? I can't believe they were capable of doing that to my family. How could they leave us like this? I can´t believe they dared. I am in complete shock.
How do I help my sisters now?
I should let them cry. Mama used to say it was not good to force oneself not to cry. "Never stop yourself from crying, not unless your enemies are watching", she told us before leaving with papa and Maria for Ekaterinburg. I still feel I should help my sisters. There has to be something I can do, they can´t lose hope.
"Masha, my dear, the terrible images will someday become distant memories", I tell my younger sister, "you will see, my love, but it is good to let it all out."
"Let´s pray, Maria dear", Olenka suggests. "Again, let´s pray to God for some comfort, He won´t let you down". To do so we turn on the lights and form a circle on Masha´s bed, surrounding her.
My little sister´s cheeks are bright red, as are her eyes. I can barely recognize her. She has cried so much today.
Maria tries to steady her breathing with each prayer. She nods as she recites, trying to absorb the words into her heart. That is it, darling. Olga seems just as upset as me seeing Maria like that. She is especially fond of her.
The three of us lie in bed and cuddle with tear-strained faces. Maria is in the middle.
We are silent at first. Then we start talking about what happened down in the cellar. I am the one who brings it up:
"I really thought they were going to kill us all."
"Me too", Maria´s voice is weak.
"At first I accepted it, just like papa used to say we should", I continue. Maybe talking about it will set the memories free and make them go away. "I made my peace with it despite being initially shocked by sentence, but then…" I sob. "But when they started shooting… and it was as if I had never thought about it, it was as if I had completely forgotten about the mere concept of heaven, all I wanted was for them to stop shooting! I..."
I forgot about everyone but myself. For the first time ever. I did, almost till the end. Then I woke up from my selfish spell and tried to shield my sisters. But it was late. Too late. I should have done so earlier.
"I knew they wouldn't kill us all", Olga surprises me. Noticing my disbelief, she explains herself: "I thought they would at first, just like you. Then, I don't know how long after I woke up from having fainted, I noticed that the men didn't seem to be aiming at us, just shooting at random, especially at the back walls. That is when I realized, but I was still panicking. The bullets flying on top of me barely allowed me to think, so I didn´t feel at all certain. The one horror I really took for granted was that they were going to kill Alyosha. I genuinely thought they were killing him, my mind couldn´t find any logical reason for them to spare him. For minutes I thought he was already a corpse on that chair… he, he wasn´t moving... only when they attacked him and he fought back did I realize he was still alive, but then I knew that was his end... they were going to kill him, and then they didn´t. I feared they had only spared the four of us for some evil reason, and that they were going to leave Alyosha to bleed out to death slowly, just because they didn´t care if he suffered, they just wanted him dead..."
Olenka is weeping again by the time she finishes talking. I take her head in my hands and kiss each of her cheeks.
"Thank God that was not the case, Olga, praise Him", I say.
"I realized they weren't killing any of us four only after they took you, Tanya", Masha has also begun crying again. "I forgot about the jewels. I thought what they did to Alyosha had been more than enough to kill him. Oh, God! When they first stabbed him! Those were the scariest moments of my life! And after that… I am not absolutely clueless, I feared the same thing when you were taken upstairs, but before that... those bloody bullets flying around! My mind jumped to a different conclusion each instant... I think I even peed myself, I don´t know when..."
The three of us chuckle without really wanting to for a few seconds. We were so scared. I wouldn't dare admit I might have as well, not even to them.
"I think what really woke me up was seeing that man hit you, Tanya", Olga tells me. "My mind was spinning as I tried to think of a way to save us from a fate worse than death."
"Let's not talk about that", I interrupt her. "It is too horrible to contemplate, and thank God we didn't mention anything that didn't actually happen in front of Alexei! The important thing is that our souls were saved from the worst and that the five of us are alive and together". I don't want Maria's head to be filled with even more dreadful things than she has already experienced.
We lie together for some time and talk about small things to get our minds off what happened. How beautiful the garden is, how nice the weather, how much more polite these guards are in comparison... as long as one doesn't count Tabakov. Sometimes we slip and talk about how much papa would have loved this house.
We get tired after some time, but Olga and I don´t move back to our beds. We fall asleep together.