The "chess" conversation is taken from "The Lost Crown".
Olga Nikolaevna Romanova.
I feel like the only purpose left for me in this life is to wait for the next one.
The way they were murdered was frightening and heartbreaking. What followed was humiliating.
And yet, I amazed myself by grieving very little except for certain moments of nostalgia. I just want to be with papa and mama again as soon as possible, even if I must drag my siblings along with me. Those dark thoughts make me feel guilty of course. My siblings are still in this world because God willed it, so my obligation is to help and comfort them.
It may sound paradoxical to some people, but the only control I have left over my life is faith. Knowing everything is in God's hands when we are suffering makes me unafraid. Knowing eternal life follows death makes me unafraid, both of my own death and that of the people I love.
I have become unafraid quite recently though. My old happy and bubbly pre-war self wouldn´t have been as fearless or comfortable with the idea of any of her beloved siblings dying so young. She was just as close to God as I am now, but she wasn´t close enough to death.
I am completely horrified by the prospect of Alexei being taken away. I don´t know what he is being taken for. I don´t know whether he will live or die, or what he will experience in captivity, or what vices he will be taught, or whether he will be allowed to receive letters, or if we will ever see him again.
He is going to be completely alone around hostile strangers that either hate him or care nothing for him. If they execute him, he will die scared and alone, with no one around to comfort him or pray with him. I don´t even know what method they will use to execute him. Knowing it is all in God´s hands no longer comforts me, because I will not be there to see what exactly it is that God has planned for him. Now I truly feel powerless.
Commander Pavel is still focused on the telegram. At some point, he talks to someone on the telephone, but I am too caught up in my own misery to listen to whatever it is that he is talking about. The way he turns away from us and whispers as if hoping we won´t hear what he is saying doesn´t help either.
My sister Tanechka, who has always known the right thing to say or do to make things better, can only weep with me right now. I grieve for her. She feels responsible for everything. I can´t imagine what she must be experiencing.
But most of all I grieve for the little pair. My two younger sisters still had a glimmer of hope. I know they hoped we would all stay together and move on as a family. Masha has been brave and optimistic despite crying more than me. Nastya´s wonder-filled eyes as she showed us the diamonds she had saved almost made me hopeful for the future as well. Despite being perfectly capable of hearing their cries, I am selfishly glad I wasn´t there to see Masha destroy the last remaining piece of innocence in Nastya.
"Come sit," Pavel Antonovich orders from his place behind the desk right after he hangs the telephone up.
God help me, it is becoming increasingly hard for me to love our enemies, and I am not ashamed to admit I think it is entirely due to the increasing gravity of their actions and not because I am becoming more resentful. I stand up and help my devastated sister do the same. We sit back on the chairs in front of the desk.
"There is something I can do for you," Pavel begins. "But I am afraid it is not much".
"Will we be able to send letters?" My sister Tanya asks as soon as Pavel finishes uttering those words, as if the pain had made her forget that letters were even a possibility.
If we are allowed to send letters, I will at least be able to imagine my brother´s situation with relative accuracy. I will be able to offer him courage and support.
"I am afraid not," Pavel answers, making Tatiana whimper. "But I could allow one of you to go with him".
"I will go", Tatiana immediately declares while nodding frantically.
"Wait, Tatiana!" I exclaim, panicking at the thought of also losing my best friend to such uncertainty. "You have to think this through!"
"It is what mama would have wanted", she explains to me in a tiny voice. "I can´t abandon him, not when I have the chance not to".
Tatiana is barely capable of uttering those last few words and starts weeping in my shirt as soon as she is done.
"But Tanya, think about papa too," I hold her. "He wouldn´t have wanted the family to be split again".
"The family is already being split!" She cries loudly, pulling away from me. "If I go, you, Masha, and Nastya will still have each other", she pauses to take a deep breath. "He will have no one if I stay. The only thing I can do that doesn´t go against my conscience is making sure he doesn´t feel like we abandoned him".
"But Tanya", I say, as carefully as possible. "They are probably going to kill him."
Tatiana shakes her head.
"No", she sobs.
"Yes", I state, barely holding on myself. "I don´t know why they are postponing it for so long and I thank God they did so he could delight us with his golden heart for even a day more, but Tanya, they are going to kill him…" I pause to wipe my tears. "And they will kill you too if you go with him".
Tatiana wipes her tears as well and turns to the commander.
"Is that true?" She asks our jailer, and for the first time in our long imprisonment, does so impolitely. "Are they killing my brother? Did you know all along? Was all the kindness you showed us simply part of the job?" And then I hear something I never thought would come out of Tanya´s mouth: "How would you feel if it were your recently injured ten-year-old daughter being taken away from you for God knows what reason?"
Pavel looks at my sister with pity and sadness in his eyes before lowering his head down. He seems to feel sorry for us. He seems to understand and sympathize with our situation, and yet he does nothing. It sickens me. I know he probably doesn´t have the power to do anything, but he has been given a position of power by the same group of people that killed my parents and now wants to take my brother away, which means that, at the very least, he implicitly accepts those wicked actions as long as they serve a more important purpose in his eyes.
"I don´t know with certainty whether they are going to kill him or not", Commander Pavel admits. "The only thing I knew for certain was that they were going to take him to Moscow the evening of the 18th of July. I was planning to prepare you for it but they simply arrived earlier. Please believe me, I have nothing against any of you, at least not personally. I am just following orders. The only thing I know for certain is that negotiations are in process between various foreign powers and Moscow for the release of the four former grand duchesses in exchange for money, keeping the Germans at bay, diplomatic recognition, the release of prominent socialists imprisoned in those countries, you name it, but I haven´t been made aware of any willingness to do the same with the former heir, so if any of you decide to go with him, it is at your own risk."
It is just as I thought. I can´t allow any of my sisters to go with him, but I don´t understand…
"But why?" I ask, desperately, with tears still flowing. "Why did they spare him if they were not going to allow him to be released with us? Did they just spare him to make him suffer longer, alone in a cold cell with no family around? To beat him and leave him to die slowly? Like Marie Antoinette's son? Why? He doesn´t deserve this!" Tatiana starts weeping hysterically when she hears me say that.
"No, none of that, of course not, we are not savages", Pavel denies, waving his palms. I almost roll my eyes, but I want him to explain, so I hold back.
"Then tell us anything you know, please!" I sob. "Because I simply do not understand why they are doing this to us, can you at least do that?"
"I can only tell you what I suspect based on my conversations with fellow comrades from the party who work in Moscow", Pavel says.
"Anything", Tatiana cries.
"All right, as you know, we are presently at war," Commander Pavel explains. "The whites are made up of a great number of different political parties, some are even socialists, but a considerable amount of them are loyal monarchists so… uhm, do any of you play chess?"
Tatiana and I frown at each other, wondering what this is all about, then we nod at Pavel.
"Well, the quickest way to cripple your opponent´s offensive is capturing its queen, or at least forcing them to defend it", Pavel continues.
"So... what you are saying is that my brother being kept in Moscow is like the queen in this situation, is it not?" I ask.
"Precisely", he replies. "And many players will sacrifice any number of lesser pieces to spare their queen from harm. As long as the decision makers in Moscow have control over your brother, they have a certain amount of power over the monarchists in the White Army, who might make stupid choices in order to keep their important ´piece´ safe. My side can use the possibility that your brother is still alive to set a trap for their enemies. All they need is evidence for it to work properly, such as daily pictures or pieces of paper with his handwriting."
"And they spared my brother and not my father because my father was hated even by some monarchists", I assert. Tatiana stares at me with shock in her eyes, as if I had disrespected papa´s memory with the truth, but I was the one who had late-night discussions with him about the country´s problems. I know what I am talking about.
"Not really", Pavel corrects me. "They chose your brother for this strategy because, as the heir, he represents the future. Because he is young and has never had power, he has never had the opportunity to make any mistakes that might make him unpopular to the masses, nor is he old enough to have his own opinions, at least not opinions that can´t be easily molded by selected tutors. He is, even for socialists or liberals in the White Army who might be willing to give a constitutional monarchy a try, a perfect pawn. For the real absolute monarchists, he is a perfect symbol, an innocent orphan child-Tsar ready to continue his father´s legacy. He can also be used by us as a tool to cause further fracture within the White Army between those who want the monarchy back, and those who wouldn´t want that in a million years. They are barely holding on to a single cause as it is, the only thing they have in common is their shared hatred for us Bolsheviks, but this could make our enemy´s cohesion problem even worse."
The knowledge that these men do at least have a plan for my brother that doesn´t include violently re-educating him like the French revolutionaries tried to do with the dauphin is strangely comforting in some ways, but there is still one thing bothering me.
"And after the war? What will they do to him after you win the war? Or if you lose for that matter?" I ponder.
"If we lose, he will probably be given to the whites, maybe in exchange for the release of important prisoners of our own captured in battle", he says, pausing before continuing. "If we win, I don´t know what they will decide to do with him. Exiling him is out of the question at this moment for fear of even more foreign intervention, so is letting him live in Russia. And also, remember that the cleverest player of all will sometimes sacrifice his own queen, tricking his opponent into thinking he will protect it in order to win the game. The question is, what kind of players are we dealing with?"
So they are going to kill him. I don´t understand why this man can't speak to us concretely without chess metaphors. We have already witnessed our parents´ brutal murder. We can take the truth, as harsh as it is.
"I will go with him", Tatiana repeats after a while, nodding. "I will share whatever fate God has in store for him". I don´t say anything yet, but I have already decided it is me who should go with my brother.
"Very well", Pavel says, getting up from his chair. "You both better head out to say goodbye".
Tatiana and I walk out of Pavel´s office to find our three youngest siblings in the living room. The scene is just as I expected. The three of them are sitting on one of the couches.
They are sobbing.
Alexei sits in the middle. Nastya seems to be taking it the hardest. She looks just as upset as earlier. Alexei rests his head on Masha´s shoulder. Maria holds his head with both her hands while Nastya hugs him from the other side. The two Chekists stand far from my siblings between the living room and the dining room. They are talking to a very concerned Galina while Oleg listens to the conversation.
When Anastasia sees us approaching, she runs to hug me.
"Please talk to the commander!" She cries out. I rub her back and try to keep my own weeping in check.
"We already did, my precious Nastya," I hug her tighter. "It didn´t work".
"Darlings", Tatiana announces, "I am going with Alexei".
"What? You too?" Masha whines in a higher voice. She then starts sobbing harder. "I am the only one who can carry him without trouble, and I already have experience being separated from the rest, let me be the one to go".
"No Masha, I am better dealing with his illness", Tatiana argues.
"No!" Nastya exclaims, pulling away from me. "I will go".
"Don't be silly Nastya you are only seventeen", Masha says.
"And you are only nineteen!" Anastasia yells back.
"Anastasia, if there is any of us four who really shouldn´t go, that is you dear", I say. "You are far too young".
"I don´t want any of you to go with me!" Alexei sobs loudly. "They want me dead! I don't want any of you to die with me!" He sinks his face back into Maria´s arms after he finishes that last sentence. Masha hugs him back tighter than she ever did before, moved by his concern for us.
I always knew my brother was, to a certain degree, aware of his own political significance and the dangerous situation that significance placed him in. He knew the new regime saw him not as a child, but as the heir to the Russian Throne and a symbol of the hated old regime. It is, however, heartbreaking for me to watch him voice those concerns out loud and behave in such a brave, grown-up way.
"Baby", Tanya comforts Alexei, keeling closer to him and taking his hands in hers. "You are crazy to think I would ever let you perish alone when it is within my power to go with you".
"Forget about it Tanya", I firmly state. "I am the one who will go with him, and I won't accept any discussion about it from either you or Alyosha."
I notice they are all about to protest so I grab Tatiana gently by the arm and guide her away to a different spot in the huge living room, far from the others.
"I can´t let you do this!" Tanya protests.
"No, I can´t let you do this", I assert. "I can´t let you be the oldest one yet again, this time I most have that role".
"You have never cared about me acting like the oldest, so don´t pretend that is what you care about now."
"You are right", I admit. "I never cared about that, in fact, I loved the way you took my place without noticing. It relieved me from the responsibility of being perfectly obedient and well behaved in order to set a good example for the little ones".
We both chuckle at those many childhood memories through our tears.
"I am a better nurse", she argues. "He is going to need me".
"I am one of his godmothers", I contend. "You are not. He became my responsibility the moment mama and papa died, and ever since I was a child, I took at least this particular responsibility very seriously."
Tatiana has no more arguments, I know it, but she still seems hesitant.
"You have a life ahead of you, Tanya", I continue, "beyond all this pain". I move my head and look around to make a point. "Remember in Tobolsk, when you said you wanted to become a doctor now that you didn´t have to marry a prince?"
"I didn´t say that, it was just a stupid idea that crossed my mind while talking about the possibility of opening my own hospital."
"Nonsense!" I exclaim. "I saw your eyes glowing when you talked about it, but even if you don´t become a doctor, you can still nurse, or open a hospital, and you are still young and beautiful. Any man would be lucky to have you, unlike me, only 22 and already looking like an old spinster."
"Don't say that!" She yells, sounding offended on my behalf. "Have you actually looked at yourself in the mirror recently? Because you are wrong."
She is clearly trying to derail the subject of the conversation.
"Do something for yourself for once Tanya", I implore her, holding both her hands before continuing. "You have always lived for others like a true Christian martyr, especially for mama, and I love and admire that about you, but this time I am asking you to do something for yourself, and if you can´t do it for yourself then you must do it for me. Do it for the love and memories we have shared as sisters since you were born."
"But Olga…"
"I can´t lose you Tanya, I wouldn´t be able to live with myself if I let you risk your life like that, the same way you wouldn´t forgive yourself if you left baby alone. Let me be the big sister for once, I am almost two years older than you. I know that sounds like nothing, but it is one and a half years I have lived that you haven´t, let me give them to you.
"I will take care of baby and protect him with my life until it no longer depends on me. I will not let him die alone, I promise. You need to take care of the little pair, pray with them, comfort them, make sure they don´t lose their innocence and hope for a better life, a simpler life, but most of all make sure Shvibzik never stops being Shvibzik."
We laugh again with tears in our eyes when I mention our baby sister´s nickname. Then she looks at me as if she knew it would be for the last time.
"I am going to miss you so much", she weeps, and then we fall into an embrace.
We cry and hug each other tighter than we ever did before. Longer than we ever did before.
I eventually break it off, as I don´t want to change my mind.
Tatiana and I return to our youngest siblings. The times we have all spent together since we were children run quickly through my mind as if my life were nothing but a film. I try to keep the memories stuck there for as long as possible. I wish I could go back in time and tell young Olga to enjoy her sails in the Standart with her family instead of worrying about whether Paul Voronov´s gaze will meet hers today.
Oo
I don´t want Alexei to feel guilty, so I try to make him see we can´t let him go alone. No argument works on my brother, who shakes his head and begs for us to let him go on his own over and over again, but he won´t have a say, not in this. It is unthinkable. We love him too much.
When I say goodbye to the little pair, they hug me so tightly I almost suffocate, but even that isn´t enough for the time we may be apart. Tatiana says goodbye to Alyosha by covering his forehead and cheeks in kisses. The two Chekist men watch the entire scene with signs of impatience, but they don´t bother us.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Tatiana exclaims as she runs up the stairs.
While the little pair is saying goodbye to Alexei for what appears to be the last time, Masha seems to remember something as well and follows Tatiana. When she returns, Tanya brings with her Alexei´s second set of clothes and hands it over to me. Seeing this, Galina approaches us.
"I will go for your clean clothes", the old woman lets me know with tears in her eyes herself. I become surprised by how little time it took for us to become fond of each other. I kiss both her cheeks when she returns with the clothes.
Masha brings with her the Theotokos icon Nastya found yesterday.
"To protect you on the road", my baby sister says as she gives it to me.
"No", I return it, and looking at my three younger sisters, add: "Keep it, think of us whenever you see it, and don´t forget to pray a lot for our safety."
Oo
Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia keep fussing over Alexei and I for a long time. In tears, we pray together and hug and kiss each other for what seems like a never-ending goodbye.
Only when one of the Chekists starts yelling obscenities at us do we finally realize our time is over.
After saying the final farewells, I try to carry Alexei, only to be surprised by how heavy he is despite being so thin. It has been months since I last attempted it.
I see Anastasia walk towards the Chekists out of the corner of my eye. Before I can figure out what her intentions are she has already kicked both of them in the shin. I hear them cry out in pain. Soon enough Anastasia is running back upstairs and the two men are in too much pain to do anything about it except curse at my sister, calling her the most horrible and indecent of names.
Maria and Tatiana are in shock. Alexei tries to smile but fails.
Good for my sister, I guess. And yet, I know she is in her bed howling her pain away right now. I can hear her even from here.
"Do you want me to carry him?" Oleg asks, approaching us after he sees me struggle. He stretches out his arms in invitation.
"Is that all right for you, sunbeam?" Tatiana asks him. Alyosha frowns for a second but then nods hesitantly. I allow Oleg to carry him and, blowing kisses at my sisters, we head out of the house.
A carriage is waiting for us outside. The two Chekists sit on the front. We will sit on the back.
Oleg gets on first and lays Alexei on the back of the carriage. I trip when I try to step in, hitting my shin on one of the stairs of the carriage. Ironic.
I cry out in pain, which in seconds makes me burst into sobs that have nothing to do with the pain. Oleg helps me get back up and then into the carriage by carrying me. He lifts me up with his strong arms by placing his hands under my shoulders.
"I am sorry about all of this", he tells me when his eyes met mine. I think he really means it. His beautiful gray eyes fill with compassion as he looks between me and Alexei.
After he gets out of the carriage, Oleg does something that makes me respect him more than any Saint George Cross Medal would. He salutes my brother in a seemingly serious manner. Alyosha, who was still blowing kisses at our sister seconds before, smiles at him in tears and salutes back. I smile at Oleg as well. No one is supposed to salute either papa or Alexei anymore. Oleg has risked being scolded or even put in jail just so he could acknowledge my brother´s time in the army, which of course was symbolic and consisted of visiting the wounded and assisting parades. Oleg still put that aside when he saw our suffering. I don´t know whether he meant it or did it exclusively as a kind gesture, but he has brightened up what is probably going to be the second-worst day of our lives.
One of the guards of the house, a blond, is apparently coming with us to Moscow. He is sitting in front of us and I have heard him talk with the Chekists about it.
To my great displeasure, Paul Tabakov is also coming.
Just like the "chess" conversation was taken from the book "Lost crown", so was the idea of Tatiana having the secret dream of becoming a doctor. I don´t believe there is any evidence in her diaries, letters or memories from people who knew her that this was the case in real life but considering she was a very good nurse who complained about not being allowed in the most difficult surgeries and she actually knew at least one female doctor in her lifetime I don´t think it is impossible the real Tatiana at least once toyed with the idea, especially after the revolution.