Trigger Warnings:
-Flashbacks/references to rape.
-Some period typical anti-Semitism from the main characters.
Olga Nikolaevna Romanova.
Even though my brother´s leg still hurts, I can´t bear the thought of leaving him sitting alone for even a second, what if those people take him while I am away?
I ask him to come with me to look for a place. He leans on a wall or sits on the sidewalk as I knock on the doors of each street, searching for a place to stay the night.
The people here don´t know us and understandably don´t want two strangers staying the night with their families, even if one of them is a cripple.
I still don´t want to reveal our identities though. I am not going to make the same mistake ever again.
We come across small groups of red guards. I am inevitably turned into an anxious and blubbering mess every time that happens, but for some reason, despite my discernible terror as I walk away from them and drag my brother with me, they don´t seem to notice anything different about us. Thank you, God.
The town is big enough for me to keep searching for a place to stay, but I sit on the ground next to Alexei. I am completely exhausted.
There are dozens of homeless people around us. Some are falling asleep on the same sidewalk we are sitting on. I start crying out of fear and nervousness. I am not prepared to be homeless and live out of the pity people have for my sick brother, who is again rubbing his bad leg.
"I don´t like it when you cry Olenka", Alyosha wipes one of my tears as he says that.
My baby brother has been moaning in pain for hours and yet he is the one trying to console me. That endearing fact only makes me feel all the more miserable. I continue weeping as Alexei resumes his attempts to soothe me, caressing my cheeks with words of encouragement.
The sun has set completely, hours ago, but at least there are streetlamps, so we are not completely in the dark.
"Why don´t we ask for more money to pay for an inn?" He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I don't want you to keep begging", I wipe my tears, knowing too well I may have to allow him to do it again tomorrow. "And I don't think we could collect enough money begging to pay for a room." I may even have to swallow my pride and start begging as well in the future.
"Well, how else can we get money?" He asks. "Do you think it would be a good idea to sell my boots? Remember, the bandit said we could get money with them."
"Not at all, you need them", I state. "I really don't know how else to get money, maybe I could get a job and ask our employer for a place to stay. I have seen lots of small factories in this town."
"We can work."
"I will do the work", I correct him. "You have to rest. Let us go before everything closes".
We stand up and walk. He uses his crutches.
"But once I get better, I can work, right?" He asks.
"Sure, you will!" I answer as I mess with his hair.
I am not so sure about the idea. How are we going to get a job so soon and at this hour? But I can't give up. I do not want us to sleep on a porch again, at least I have to try before we run out of options.
Oo
I start asking every owner of every shop I encounter whether they have jobs available, but have no luck.
I ask all of them to allow us to sleep there in exchange for free labor. Most of them assure me there are places we can go to for that kind of arrangement, but that they are not one of them. None of them are specific about it.
My brother and I come across an ironworks building. I can feel immense heat coming from inside the edifice.
It is mostly men working with the iron rolling mill, but I also see a woman.
I tell Alexei to wait outside. Then I enter.
One of the men approaches me. I panic and step back. He is just walking so very fast towards me.
"What is it?" He asks me in a harsh manner. It is clear he thinks I am not supposed to be there.
"Can I talk to the supervisor?" I ask.
"I am the supervisor", he looks as if it gave him the most pleasure in the world to reveal that.
"I would like to work here for a few days", I keep my head low, hoping to appear meek and maybe inspire some pity. "I don't need any money, just a place to stay for me and my sick brother."
"What in God´s name would you be useful for?"
"I can do any manual labor, just tell me what", I say.
"Show me your hands", he orders, and I do so.
"You won´t be useful", the man asserts condescendingly. "I am sorry."
"Why not?" I ask, losing my patience.
"All right, I will show you", he grabs my arm and I almost faint from the fright, but the man only takes me to the woman who is working. "Show her your hands", he says, this time to her. She is big for a woman. Her head is covered in a headscarf, just like mine, and she wears a black skirt. The female worker does as she is told and extends her hands.
"Touch them", the man tells me, and I do. They are rough and filled with burn scars. "Maria has worked here since she was fifteen", the man continues. "She is used to it. You wouldn´t last here for a week."
He has a point, but that does not mean I can´t get used to it as well.
"How do you know? You haven´t even let me try yet!" I protest, and all the workers who were hearing the conversation start laughing.
I burst into tears without even fully knowing why as I slowly walk away. For a moment, looking for a job was not the real reason they were laughing at me.
It was something far more sinister. I was completely helpless again.
Probably blushing out of anger, I glare back at the man. "Thank you for your kindness", I curtsey mockingly, not caring anymore if doing so makes them suspicious. I tried to sound sarcastic, but the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat made the sentence come out rather pathetic.
Alexei looks up at me with concern when I return. He has seen my tears.
"They didn´t give you the job?" He asks.
"No", I shake my head. "Let´s go".
I wipe my tears and we keep walking.
Oo
"There are other jobs", I say after a while, smiling at my worried brother. "Maybe I can work as a servant".
I go from door to door to the biggest houses to see whether anyone will take us in. I have no luck. Only after my brother starts complaining about the pain in his leg do I dare admit to myself that we are sleeping outside.
While sitting on the porch we might spend the night in, I notice a young girl who is about the same age as Alexei, maybe a bit older. She is smiling at us and looks friendly, so I walk towards her.
"Hi", I say shyly. "My brother and I are new in town, do you know what the fastest way to make money is around here?"
"You need money?" The girl asks.
"Yes", I reply. "I am willing to work really hard."
"I know someone who can help you!" She exclaims.
"Really? Where?" I am relieved by this.
"Follow me!" The young girl turns around and starts running.
"Wait!" I yell. I have to constantly remind her to slow down, as my brother can´t walk as fast.
To my great dismay, once we arrive at the building the girl was apparently referring to, I find lots of different women wearing various indecent items of clothing standing right outside. Some of them talk with a group of men. Some enter the building with said men. Some leave with them. Many of the couples are kissing.
Now I understand the girl wasn´t smiling at me but at Alexei. It was too good to be true.
"I bet this is a brothel", Alyosha says. I almost faint. I open my good eye wide and stare at him.
"You don´t even know what a brothel is", I try not to sound excessively worried.
"Yes, I do", he insists, seemingly proud of himself for this grown-up knowledge. "It is like a house, where women who don't have any money go live and work together, and then men go visit them with their friends to look for someone to marry. They also kiss, look!" He points at one of the couples. They might be kissing in a way that is definitely not appropriate in public, but I still sigh in relief.
"Yes, you are right", I lie.
"Let´s go in then!" He exclaims.
"No darling, I can´t work there", I tell him, and then I approach the girl that guided us. I tap her shoulder.
"I am sorry dear, but I can´t work here", I inform her. She looks disappointed.
"It is alright", the girl says. "Good luck."
She runs into the building. I feel sorry for that child, she is younger than my seventeen-year-old baby sister, but there is sadly nothing I can do for her at the moment. If I were still a Grand Duchess, I might have asked my mother to find her work as a servant somewhere or patronize her education in a girls´ school. I mourn the loss of my title for the first time since the revolution. At least it allowed me to do something, however small, whenever I saw injustice in the world. I hope, at the very least, that none of her clients are as beastly as Tabakov.
"Why can't you work there?" Alexei asks me. "Oleg said something about the women being nice. He said they were just unlucky, like us. They can probably help us, is it because you don´t want to kiss anyone?"
"The women that live there do bad things, I am not working there", I declare firmly and without any more details. His comparison disturbs me, especially because there might be some truth to it.
My brother looks pensive for a second.
"Maybe you could tell the girls you don´t want to be kissed", he suggests.
"Let's go find another porch", I change the subject. He pouts when he realizes we are sleeping outside again after all, but doesn't complain out loud.
Oo
We wander through the city aimlessly for about half an hour. I see fewer and fewer people around as time passes, which is scary, but I don't want to sleep on the first porch I find. I want to make sure it is at least clean first.
My brother is groaning and complaining so much it is driving me crazy. The pain has only increased by the minute and little is left of his temporarily pleasant mood earlier. He is close to throwing a tantrum and I can´t say I blame him.
By the time we finally find a clean porch to sleep, it becomes clear he is having another attack. I lie down next to him and prepare myself not to sleep.
Oo
July 20th, 1918.
As much as I tried to stay awake to comfort Alyosha as he cried out in pain, I failed completely.
I wake up to see his dear face bathed in tears. He hasn't slept and is still moaning. I can't take him with me today to search for a job. I will have to try my luck. Please God, send someone to help us.
The first woman to answer the door today in the morning decides to take us both in, which is almost too good to be true. Baby tries to sleep on a sofa as she makes me wash some clothes. Many clothes. It is plenty of laundry. We spend hours in there and I am only allowed to stop working when I go to the bathroom or take an already feverish Alexei there. His cries refuse to cease. I wish I could spend more time with him, but I am doing this for his sake. My hands end up red and irritated, and the spot in my chest where I was shot starts hurting again. It is still better than nothing though.
Then the woman orders us to leave her house without giving us a single coin or at least something to eat. She has scammed me far too quickly for me or poor Alexei, delirious with pain and maybe fever, to realize.
Oo
I should have threatened her with the knife sooner, maybe closer. I should have come from behind, drawn her towards me and put the knife under her neck. I should have done that or taken the revolver from my brother's pocket. I should have. Anything would have been better and smarter, but the memories of that time I stabbed the bandit flooded my brain and left me paralyzed by fear for minutes. I just… stood there. I just obeyed. I didn't come up with a good strategy or think my actions through, and by the time I changed my mind and gathered up the courage to show her my knife and demand my pay she was already far from my grasp.
She didn't become frightened. She laughed. I didn't think she would be armed as well, and that the distance between us would make it incredibly easy for that horrid woman to take her own weapon from the closet in order to force us to leave. It was a rifle, one that probably belonged to her husband. I wasn't going to take any chances by involving Alexei's revolver in that ugly affair. Instead, I am making my baby brother beg for our only meal of the day like I promised myself I never would.
I pray people are not as heartless as to ignore him now that his face is contorted in a grimace of pain, and he can barely hold back his sobs as he extends his trembling hand.
Oo
July 21st, 1918.
The morning comes and we wake up lying on another porch. The sky is blue, but not for us. At least my brother's pain seems manageable today.
We do find hope and peace for a few hours. Alexei and I confess our sins and have obednya inside an actual church for the first time in months. For this alone we might be luckier than our sisters. A miracle occurs. Alexei's pain diminishes for a while and his mood becomes exceedingly cheerful, considering our circumstances, after taking communion. I take it as a sign God is looking after us. Everything will be alright one way or another.
I drag Alexei with me this time as we continue exploring different parts of the town. He sits and begs in the corner of each street we visit as I go from door to door looking for a job. A man makes me an indecent proposal. I run away from his porch bursting into sobs. A woman refuses to take Alexei in after learning that he can't work.
People complain about having too many mouths to feed already, and despite his pitiful tears and moans, Alexei gathers just enough money for one meal only. At least we are having two entire sandwiches today. I eat and force him to do the same, but it is not enough to ease the hunger. Not when I only ate once yesterday late at night from a single dish I shared with him.
Damn this!
We keep walking, it becomes dark, and soon we find ourselves surrounded by Jews. I recognize them by their black clothes and hats. Many of them have bright red hair, just like the rest of the people here.
"Are we really going to work for the Jews?" Alexei frowns as he asks that, sounding both fearful and curious. I know Jews are not trustworthy people and that they are more likely to be revolutionaries. If any of them recognize us we might be in serious trouble.
"Why not?" I reply. "We are in no position to be picky right now". Alexei shrugs.
I do feel some apprehension, but I am starving, and we have already walked through most parts of the town.
We arrive at a jewelry store. The Jewish man is about to close. He is also a redhead with a big glowing beard and looks around 50 years old.
"Good night", he greets me and my brother when he sees us approaching. "Do you want to buy or sell anything?"
"No, no", I answer. "We don´t have anything to sell or want to buy anything."
"How can I help you then?" He asks, observing us carefully. He is probably wondering what happened to my face but is too polite to ask.
"Would you accept me as a servant?" I blurt out without further introduction.
"A Christian? Of course not!" He is startled, as if the idea itself were bizarre.
"Why not?" I ask, beginning to feel discouraged.
"I don't think it would work out, my family and friends would object", he explains. "It was also illegal for many years, you know? It can be dangerous for us as well, so we are not accustomed nor comfortable with it."
I feel offended, more than when the other store and factory owners rejected me. I don´t like how this man did so on the basis of my faith in particular as if it were something undesirable… but then again, who am I to complain about that? Maybe this is the way Jews feel whenever they are rejected from universities because of quotas or are not allowed to live in certain regions of the country. I never really gave any of that a second thought before... and, illegal?
"Why was it illegal?" I inquire.
"Christians made it so", he replies. "You tell me".
"I am tired! It is not fair!" My brother exclaims in frustration. "Papa should have changed that stupid law!"
My heart skips a beat and my good eye grows big. The man studies us carefully. Alyosha is definitely getting scolded for that slip if we make it out of this town alive.
"Well, I guess I better find a Christian to take me as a servant", I lower my head, not knowing what else to say. "Thanks anyway."
I turn around and grab my brother with the intention of leaving as fast as we can.
"It is worth a try", the jeweler agrees. "Although, if you allow me to be frank, I don´t think anyone in their right mind would employ you as a servant."
I stupidly look back at him for some reason. Maybe the urge to be polite that has been instilled in me from birth is way too powerful. Maybe I feel offended. Maybe I am just curious.
"It is easy for someone who has been hiring people for years to see that you are used to giving orders", the man continues, "and that it would be very hard for you to receive them after having been groomed since childhood to either marry a head of state or become one."
I become paralyzed by fear. I look down at my brother, who has the same frightened expression.
I open my mouth, willing to beg on my knees for him not to turn us over, but the redhead raises his hand and continues talking before I am able to.
"Yes, I know you are both humble, have a good attitude, don't think yourselves superior to those who serve, and are willing to work just like anyone else to make a living", his voice is soft and friendly. "But you have been served your entire lives and told there was a special and untouchable place for you in the world. That way of thinking doesn´t disappear just because a revolution succeeds, or because you go through hardships. Even now, talking to me, from the bottom of your hearts, you are convinced that things should fix themselves and the ways of the world should change on their own in order to give you satisfaction, instead of improving yourselves and acting to accomplish whatever it is that you seek. People from high class are bad at serving. They are disobedient, resentful, unreflective, ambitious, entitled, and susceptible. They miss the comforts they think they rightfully deserve and are supposed to get back someday for the way they were born and raised. They believe they are working hard when at times there is nothing further from the truth, and they create difficulties with other people in service with their unacknowledged obsession with being the best at what they do."
The man shrugs.
"But that is just my experience hiring those kinds of people", he adds.
I almost forget why I was afraid. He simply lectured us as if we were his children, and in a kind way as well. He is maybe kinder than any of the people we have encountered since we arrived at Kambarka. Only the priest we met today at church and the woman who gave me the three kopeks so I could buy the soup were as kind.
My brother seems fascinated. No trace of fear is left in his eyes.
Peter the Great used to call Jews rogues and cheats, and yet it was not one of them who scammed me out of hours of hard work yesterday. I feel like a little girl again, around the time Alexei was born. During the Russo-Japanese War, I told my nanny I hoped all the Japanese people would be slain by our soldiers. I had heard they had drowned our sailors and was very upset about it. Miss Eagar kindly explained to me that there were a lot of innocent women and children in Japan that didn´t know how to fight. Only after learning that the Japanese had many things in common with Russians and even an emperor like my father did I understand they were people just like us.
I do not think this man is going to turn us over, even if he is a Jew and did recognize us. But still, almost none of what he said is helpful, and to be honest... what does he know? We haven't told him everything we have been through. I worked as hard as I knew how yesterday. Was demanding to be paid for what I did wrong? Has trying to find a job been? I doubt it.
"But what do you recommend us to do?" I ask, but then, feeling a bit self-conscious about sounding entitled, I add: "If you don't mind advising us."
"I can only tell you what I would do in your situation", he says. "Look for something to sell. When I got to this town I started buying jewels from people who needed money, then I started selling them at a slightly higher price. After that, I hired craftsmen to work repairing the watches, jewelry, and pretty much any object people brought to fix. When I started making more money, I hired people to make the jewelry."
"But where did you get the money to buy the jewelry?" Alexei asks.
"I asked my uncle for a loan", the man answers. "The interests weren't high because we were family."
"But we don´t know anyone around here who would give us a loan", I protest. He puts his index finger on his chin and starts thinking.
"Mm…let's see", he begins. "What would I have done if I didn´t have an uncle? Well, I think I would have gone to the forest and searched for edible berries, then I would have sold them to people passing by or street vendors who have no time to search for berries."
"But that takes a lot of time and it is getting late", I point out.
"You young people are always so impatient", he scolds us. "Wait a while".
"All right", I say, smiling, but a little bit disappointed. "Thank you for the advice".
"And what if there are no berries in the woods?" Alexei inquires yet again.
"Well, there is always something you can find", the man starts. "There are rabbits…"
"Let´s go Alyosha", I shake my head at my brother and chuckle. It is getting late, but Alexei stays to listen to the man for a few more minutes as he explains how well rabbits can sell and where we can find them.
"Good luck", the red-haired man finishes with a grin as he hands my little brother a few kopeks. I smile.
"Thank you sir", Alexei beams as he expresses his gratitude.
"Thank you very much indeed!" I raise my hand to wave goodbye to him and then we move along.
He is one of the good ones, as mama used to call decent Jews. It is probably because he believes in God. Our friend Grigori used to say all faiths come from Him. I guess it is mainly the godless we should be wary of, although they are harder to spot.
When we lose sight of his small shop, I regret the fact I didn´t ask for the man´s name. I am making a list in my mind of all the people who have helped us so I can come back someday and reward them. I wanted him to be there. I will never forget his face though, or his glowing beard, so maybe there is still hope.
"Are we going to the forest for berries?" Alexei appears excited by the prospect despite the discomfort on his legs.
"No", I smile at him as I shake my head again. "Yes… well, it is unlikely but maybe, I don´t know, we may have to in the future."
I ask Alexei to hand me the kopeks so I can count them. After doing so, I immediately feel hopeless again. We may have one or two meals secured tomorrow without trouble but I don´t think it is enough for even one night at an inn.
I may not have much experience holding real money in my hands or doing the actual buying in shops, but that doesn't mean I am completely ignorant about the concept. My siblings and I all received allowances, mainly for gifts, and mama would advise us on how to spend them wisely.
I think it would be more prudent to save the coins for an emergency or lay all the money aside so that we can travel on a ship once we have enough gathered. I tell this to Alexei, who agrees with me.
What we may have to do is start looking for yet another good-looking porch to sleep.
Oo
We have walked just a couple of blocks away from the jewelry when we encounter the three men I had seen before staring at us. This time, the woman isn´t with them.
"It is the people from the cafeteria!" My brother exclaims just as the man with the brown beard points his index finger at us.
"Let us go the other way", I tell Alyosha, and we walk through the empty street in the opposite direction from which they came from.
I know it is useless. My brother is using crutches. They are going to catch us sooner or later.
"Do you want me to point the gun at them?!" My brother panics.
Alexei could indeed point the revolver at them, but the idea scares me, what if they are armed as well and only use his actions as an excuse to shoot us? They are dressed as civilians, but could very well have something hidden. I shake my head at my brother and we keep walking. He seems relieved.
"Wait, girl!" One of the men yells from behind. "We are not going to hurt you! We are friends! We will help you!"
Right, if I wanted to kill someone that is exactly what I would say. We keep walking.
"We will help you! We have morphine!" A different voice yells. My brother turns his head around and slows down slightly.
"What are you doing? Keep walking!" I scold him. I know he must be in a lot of pain to consider lowering his guard just because one of them offered morphine, but we have no reason to trust them.
"We were sent to look for you!" One of the men exclaims in English, and I finally stop walking. My brother imitates me.
"We come all the way from Ekaterinburg," the man continues talking with a British accent as he walks closer towards us. "There were thousands of different rumors about your present whereabouts, which is why there are dozens of people like us searching for you."
I finally turn around. My brother does the same when he notices me doing it.
The man who is talking is in his thirties, has green eyes and light brown hair. His mustache is similar to the one papa had, but he has no beard. Behind him are the other two men. I recognize one of them. He is the man with the brown beard who was analyzing me the most in the cafeteria.
"We are not going to hurt you", the British man whispers in English once he gets close enough. "My name is Charles Lamb. I am one of the British intelligence officers that were tasked with looking for the imperial family after they went missing in Ekaterinburg two days ago."
I am so scared. What if this is a trick? What if he is not on our side anyway? What if he is some sort of English mercenary that works for no one and plans to ransom us? What if we can't trust him?
My eyes fill with tears out of pure sheer terror caused by uncertainty. If I trust him, he could betray us as the horrid muzhik and that diabolical woman who made me wash all those clothes did. If I do not trust him, we may end up homeless for months. What decision could get us into more trouble?
"We have heard rumors that the Tsar is dead", his tone is soft, as if he were trying not to scare us. "Is that true?"
I can´t think of anything now that he has reminded me of my papa. I start crying and nodding at the same time.
"It has been horrible!" I finally sob. My brother, seeing me cry, starts weeping as well. The Englishman tries to grab my shoulders in a sloppy attempt to comfort me, but I step back.
"Where are the other Grand Duchesses?" The man with the brown beard asks me in Russian. He is in his fifties and has blue eyes. His light brown beard has several white hairs.
"They stayed in Perm", I cry. "They wanted to take my brother alone to Moscow, but I came with him."
"We escaped because they started mistreating us", Alexei continues, and I worry about what he might tell the men, but he only shows them his bandaged ear, which is now covered in red spots. "They cut me, look, and they beat my sister really bad, and they also killed papa and mama, and our doctor and servants."
I am relieved by his discretion.
"The reds did this to you?" The bearded man asks. My brother and I nod.
"They killed papa right in front of us", Alexei´s voice breaks.
"Animals!" The man roars, expressing his anger by swinging his hands and arms around, which startles me. "Scum of the earth!"
I give two steps back and cling to my brother.
"Forgive me Your Imperial Highnesses", the man says as soon as he notices how frightened I am. I am surprised to hear him use our titles, but he might be doing it to make us keep our guards down. "Where are my manners? I am Sergei Volyaovich Volkov, your most humble servant", he introduces himself with a bow. "I worked for years in the Okhrana after fighting in the Russo-Japanese war. Now I work for Charles and I assure Your Highnesses that he has only your best interests at heart."
"And I am Valeriy Stephanovich Kirilov", the third man is also polite, but he doesn´t bow. "I am a doctor myself and would like to treat your wounds. My wife is a nurse, she can also help." He is the youngest of the three and has brown hair and eyes.
"You must have both gone through countless horrors", Charles speaks again, this time in a heavily accented Russian. "Please, accompany us to the inn we are staying at so in the morning we can come up with a solution to your present situation."
"Oh, thank God!" I sob, finally allowing myself to feel calm for a moment, even if I don´t completely trust these men yet. "You have no idea of how much we have prayed for help! Thank you, gentlemen! Thank you!"
What are the chances they would actually find us? This is God taking care of us.
Oo
They seem so sweet. Sergei offers to carry Alexei, who is very apprehensive after the incident with that horrid man who betrayed us, but the way Sergei keeps calling him by his title seems to soothe my exhausted brother, who eventually accepts being carried. I take his crutches and hold his hand the entire time.
"I didn´t recognize you at first, Your Imperial Highness", Sergei tells me as we walk towards the inn.
"You didn´t?" I ask.
"I only recognized the heir", he explains. "That is the reason I was staring at Your Imperial Highness like that in the cafeteria, my sincerest apologies."
"There is nothing to be sorry for, Sergei, and please call me and my brother by our names and patronymics", I say.
It is understandable that he didn´t recognize me. My face must be so swollen. I haven´t seen it yet though…
"Your Imperial Highness?" Sergei speaks again.
"Yes, Sergei?"
"Oh, I am deeply sorry. This is truly embarrassing, but… oh please do forgive me! Here it is… I suspected since I saw Your Imperial Highness with the heir at that cafeteria that Your Imperial Highness was most likely a Grand Duchess, but… I still don´t know which one of the four…"
I chuckle at the awkwardness of the situation.
"I am Olga", I introduce myself with a smile, secretly feeling slightly disturbed, but not because of Sergei. Does my face really look that bad? I knew it was unrecognizable... but even for someone who knew I was a Grand Duchess?
"Oh!" Sergei exclaims. "It is a huge relief to know!"
Sergei, Charles, and Valeriy ask us all about our journey. I tell them as much as I can, leaving the shameful parts out of it.
"It is amazing you managed to get to Kambarka!" Sergei comments. "It is very far away from Perm!"
They occupy two rooms of the inn. Sergei and Charles stay in one, and Valeriy and his wife do so in the other. Charles books another room with two beds for me and my brother as soon as we get to the reception. He also orders dinner for us, thank God! I am so hungry!
When our room is ready, Valeriy´s wife, named Anastasia Kirilova, helps Valeriy clean up my brother´s ear wound and give it a few stitches. She has also given me some ice to place on my swollen eye as they treat my brother. Alexei behaves very well and does not complain at all. He tries not to cry and almost succeeds as well, poor thing. Once they are done with the stitches, Valeriy and Anastasia bandage Alyosha´s ear again.
After her husband has left, Anastasia allows me to borrow some of her clothes: a sleeping gown for tonight and regular clothes for tomorrow.
She also begs me to let her check whether I have any other serious injuries. I thank her for her kindness but refuse to cooperate.
I don´t fear nor mistrust Anastasia for evident reasons. She is a woman. But I really don´t want anyone poking around and examining with interest everything they have done to me.
Oo
I help Alexei take a bath. Poor thing was terrified because for an instant he thought I would allow Anastasia to be there.
His legs and arms look terrible. Swollen and unnaturally colored. He can barely move, let alone clean them without yelping in pain. I am worried sick.
After I also help Alexei dress and then lie on one of the beds, I am finally able to take the long shower I did not realize I needed until my entire body was wet and covered in soap.
I start washing every part of my body with relief. Now I can finally get the feeling of those hands out of my body. I will erase all traces of that day.
It is cathartic at first, until I touch a bruise for the first time. Cleaning everything properly will be painful. I have big red and purple bruises spreading through my inner and outer thighs. Dozens of bruises on my arms, waist, and hips, some of which, to my great disgust, look like fingers. The biggest one is still on my chest, where I was shot. It hurts now more than ever. That devil beat me there over and over again with the handle of his revolver. I cry out at the memory. I feel as if it were happening right now.
The bruises are all over my body, in places I would be too embarrassed to mention, in places I can´t even reach. Now I know how Alexei must feel essentially every day. Even though they are not always dangerous, he regularly has to deal with a painful bruise or two somewhere.
I reach down there with my soapy hands… and it is so painful. I don´t know whether it is because I am injured or because the memories are haunting me.
Both. It is both. The physical pain is real and I remember how it felt so clearly I burst into sobs.
The more time I spend in the shower, the more I come to realize it won´t work. I will never get the feeling of those hands out of my body. I will never erase the traces of that day. Not until the bruises and injuries heal… maybe not ever. I start scrubbing myself frantically at the thought. It is painful, but not more than the bruises or the memories. This is worse than the few nightmares I have had of the event.
I scrub my skin raw, so hard that even the unbruised parts become pink and painful to the touch. By the time I realize I am hurting myself, the harm has already been done.
I don´t feel cleaner. I come out of the shower feeling more worthless and spoiled than ever.
I cry out in horror as soon as I look at my face in the bathroom mirror. For the first time since the incident, I have been given time and space to genuinely think about what happened to me without rush or fear of death.
Now I have seen my face. I have seen the marks that prove it, the marks those men left in my arms, legs, torso, neck… they touched and touched with a lustful need to possess and hurt every inch of my body. To hurt me. I have felt the pain those marks left.
It happened. I stay inside the bathroom to cry and wash my face, almost hoping that if I bawl my eyes out just enough, my aspect will be back to normal by the time I look in the mirror again.
It happened. First I just weep, then I sob. The pain that this obvious realization causes me is unbelievable.
It happened. My life itself doesn´t even make sense anymore, but I know there are people who won´t care about that. Someone outside won´t care, for now. Someone who needs me. I can´t stay here forever. Grudgingly, I start using the towel to dry.
I put on the clothes and brush my wet hair. I wash my face again and try to compose myself before stepping out of the bathroom.
Oo
"Would you allow me to give your brother a morphine injection?" Anastasia is examining one of Alexei´s legs. "A very small dose, of course, he was just telling me this leg, especially the knee, is causing him a lot of pain."
I see the food has arrived and is on the table in front of the beds.
"Are you all right Olenka?" My brother sounds worried. He has probably noticed my red eyes. I nod at him and smile for his sake.
"Yes Anastasia, thank you", I sit next to her on the bed Alexei is lying on. "But a very small dose to help him sleep tonight. I don't want him growing too dependent."
"You know", Kirilova whispers to me as she takes out the syringe from her nursing bag, "you are not the first woman I have met in your… situation. If you get into more trouble as a result, I can help you."
"What… what do you mean?" I ask, feeling exposed. I know it is not hard for an adult to deduce the full extent of what happened to me, but I don´t like it when they say it out loud.
"You know…" she repeats, "get rid of it." I open my eye in realization. No, I could never do that.
"No, no, thank you", I answer. "It is too early to tell anyway."
"That is all right", she says. "But if you change your mind early enough, I can help you." I nod, but I would never change my mind.
"Get rid of what?" Alexei asks as Kirilova injects his leg.
"Nothing, darling", I tell him. He frowns at me but doesn't say anything.
"I am going to tell the men to come back so we can discuss where to go tomorrow", Anastasia stands up, throws the used needle into the bathroom´s trashcan, puts all the other materials back in her big red bag, and leaves the room.
"What do you think sunbeam?" I ask my brother. "Where do you think we should go now?"
"To the Crimea!" He gushes and I smile at him. I knew he would say that.
We haven´t been there in a long time. My family and I used to travel to Crimea for our leisure time, and there is still no place in the world I love most. The clear blue skies, the mountains, the flowers, the beach…
We had a palace there, Livadia. "In St. Petersburg, we work, but at Livadia, we live" is what I used to say.
Our closest relatives are in Crimea now. Our grandmother the Dowager Empress, our aunts, and cousins. There is only one problem.
"The Germans have Crimea at the moment", I remind my brother. "Remember what mama said once, after all the Germans had done she preferred to die in Russia rather than be saved by the Germans."
"Oh, right", Alyosha remembers, then he lowers his head. We are both too proud to be protected by the enemy.
"The other option is England, I suppose", I tell him, and his expression becomes thoughtful. "I think these men are planning to take us east fist, to Vladivostok."
"Didn´t papa also say that it was our duty to stay in Russia if we could?" He asks.
"Yes darling, but you have already seen how hard it is to find people to trust. Most people aren´t loyal anymore, they have their own ideas about who should rule Russia and some are willing to kill us over it."
"Yes, I know!" Alexei exclaims, sounding annoyed I am explaining to him something he probably considers obvious after everything we have gone through. "What I mean is, why go to England when we have somewhere safe to be with our family here in Russia? I know the Germans have the Crimea, but refusing to go there because the Germans have it is like conceding it is theirs now forever, and we can´t lose hope, right? Our allies will win the war for us and we will get Crimea back."
"Alyosha", I prepare to explain while trying not to sound condescending, "if we go to the Crimea we will be protected by Russia's enemies. It is not the honorable thing to do, you know that better than anyone, and Charles is a British intelligence officer, so taking us there would put him in danger."
My brother lays the tip of his index finger on his chin and thinks for a few seconds before answering:
"We don't need Charles to take us all the way, only close enough, didn´t we travel to this town all on our own? We can do it. We don't need protection from the Russian people by the Germans Olya, only some of them have been bad to us. We can hide who we are for precaution, but the Russian people are good. Sergei and Valeriy are helping us. What about Uliana and the second family of peasants? The man who took us to Kambarka was also really nice, as was the woman who helped us buy the soup, and the guy with the red beard."
He is good at arguing, I give him that. When an idea gets into his head it is hard to dissuade him. Papa was the only one that could convince him to do anything without any trouble.
"It is not about whether we need the Germans´ protection Alyosha", I contend. "They think for a good reason that we do, and they are going to provide it. You know better than anyone that papa wouldn't have liked for us to receive help from the enemy."
"What about Olga and Xenia?" He asks. "What about Babushka? What about the locals in the Crimea?"
"What about them?"
"They are also living under German protection."
"But they didn´t choose that, Alyosha, the Germans simply arrived."
"Well, I don´t choose them either", he proclaims with great dignity. "I don´t want them in the Crimea, but that is where they are right now, which is not going to stop me from joining our family in a place that is part of our homeland. I don´t choose the Germans Olya, I choose Crimea. Besides, we always get help from the enemy, if you think about it, when our soldiers take an enemy machine gun, we use it, that doesn´t mean we side with the enemy. I think papa would understand as long as we don´t help them back… maybe we could work and live in a place where there are few Germans soldiers around and then visit our family often!"
I remain silent as I take into account everything he has said. I also consider what other options these men might have for us. I do miss my relatives in Crimea, especially Aunt Olga. It is the only place we could go where we would truly feel safe and home, at least as much as we might be able to without Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia.
"You know what?" I concede after a minute. "You may be right Alyosha, but we need to convince Charles and the others".
"Can´t we eat first?" He pouts, and I remember I am starving after having eaten only twice in two days.
"Yes", I immediately reply as I pinch his good cheek. "Of course we can".
Oo
I never thought the discussion would turn into an ugly and scary argument. Scary for me in particular.
I try to sound assertive and forget about how humiliated the ironworkers made me feel days ago, but it is hard at times.
"My brother and I want to go to the Crimea", I repeat for the third time to Charles and Sergei, who are both standing in front of my brother´s bed, where I am sitting. Valeriy and his wife have already gone back to their room, which makes this all the more frightening.
"Your Imperial Highness", Sergei´s politeness does little to appease my most likely irrational fears, "Charles has orders to take you to Vladivostok, to the British Consulate, and from there take you to a place of greater safety."
"We want to be with our relatives, not stay in the hands of strangers for weeks", I state. "We have been apart from our family members for far too long, and if we can´t be with our sisters, we want to meet with our grandmother, aunts, and cousins at the very least. Have a heart and understand our situation!"
"I was ordered to make a report on the imperial family´s whereabouts, Sergei", Charles interjects. "And I already have a source of information good enough to complete my mission." After sighing, he turns to us. "Sergei, Valeriy, and Anastasia will take you to Crimea. Sergei will protect both of you with his life. He is well-armed, and I can already see you are as well."
Charles stares at the revolver, the knife, and the coins lying on the nightstand in the middle of our beds. I curse my own carelessness. I removed the gun from Alexei´s pocket when he took a bath and did the same with my knife and the money when I showered. I had completely forgotten about it.
The men have, so far, not taken advantage of our carelessness to steal any of our weapons though, which means they probably are trustworthy. I thank God.
"Thank you so much!" I exclaim. Sergei tries to protest, but Charles speaks before he is able to:
"I am doing this as a personal favor because I didn't receive any specific instructions on what to do if I actually found any of you free from captivity, which was completely unexpected. I also understand you have suffered enormously and don´t want to be around strangers any longer, but if I had received orders preparing me for this situation, I am afraid I would have had to follow said orders."
I feel suspicious about Sergei, why did he claim Charles had orders he didn´t in fact have?
"I understand", I say, "and we are incredibly grateful still."
"You will have to tell me in full detail everything and anything you remember about the location where your other three sisters are being kept though", Charles continues. "Right now, I only know the city."
"Sure", I nod. "I remember most of our trip from the house to the port where we took the steamer. I also remember the way from the train station."
"I am not joking, your sisters´ lives could depend on it", his tone is sterner this time.
"What?!" My brother exclaims.
"What do you mean?" I ask, incredibly worried.
"You are already aware the Bolsheviks are no strangers to executing people without trial. If something like this were about to occur to your sisters, knowing their location to keep track of their situation could help us prevent a tragedy", Charles says.
"But, but why did they spare us if they were going to kill us later anyway?" I hold back tears.
I already suspected it was only temporary, I had even made my peace with it, but now that I have a good chance of surviving, the thought of my sisters being murdered becomes again unbearable to contemplate, as if hope for your own life were also a curse, making the possible loss of your loved ones much more painful.
"Basing my deduction on the current situation in your country, on what you have told us about the sloppy way they decided to execute your father right in front of you, and on reports we have gathered describing the execution practices of the Bolsheviks, I suspect they spared you and your sisters on a whim, mainly to appease the Germans until the end of the war", Charles explains. "They might as well not have spared you, in fact, the advantages of doing so are quite limited if they exist at all. You are incredibly lucky, both to be alive right now and to have found me. My superiors are precisely at Perm."
"So you are going to help them, right?" My brother´s lip is trembling, his eyes are welling, and his voice breaks saying the last word.
"I will do my best to convince my fellow officers to launch a rescue attempt as soon as humanely possible, which is why I am departing early in the morning and leaving you with my employees", Charles replies.
"But for the attempt to succeed we are going to need accurate information", Sergei continues. He has apparently accepted his orders.
For a moment I wish I could return to Perm in order to tell them exactly where my sisters are. To make sure they are indeed helped and that this is not just an empty promise like those we have heard many times before. I can´t do that now though, I need to make sure my brother is in a safe place. I need to trust Charles.
"I will tell you everything", I wipe my tears, praying to God Tabakov´s insults weren´t enough of a distraction to make me overlook any important facts about the Blue House´s address.
Charles pulls out a large piece of paper from his suitcase, as well as many colored pencils. He and I sit on two chairs, one at each side of the small wooden coffee table in front of the beds.
He maps my sisters´ location based on the descriptions I give him. I can´t help but think my memory has been failing me these past few days, but I do tell him whatever I can remember. Alexei is lying in bed, clearly about to fall asleep, but he also helps once in a while by adding several details to my descriptions.
Charles succeeds at making a very specific sketch of the Blue House, its garden, the parts we got to see, and how to get there using both the port and the train station as references. He even adds a glossary where all the important information is written.
Sergei and Charles move on to ask us for information on our daily routine and the look of the interiors. I explain to them I know very little about either of those things since I only stayed in the house for a full day. We were not even allowed in all rooms.
"This is going to be very useful", Charles tells us once the drawing and the annotations are finished. He starts putting everything he used back into the suitcase.
"Well, I guess we part in the morning, I will wake Your Imperial Highnesses up", Sergei says. "Have a very good night".
When they leave me and my brother alone, I change into my nightdress and tuck Alyosha into bed.
Oo
My brother and I pray together in his bed, thanking God for this huge help and begging Him to keep our sisters safe.
"Are you sad because of those men that hurt you?" He asks me, and my eyes well up. I shake my head to reassure him, which doesn´t fool him. Alexei leans to hug me just as the first tears roll down my eyes.
I hug my brother back and sob as he tries to soothe me for what feels like hours. He rubs my back and pets my hair while whispering "there, there" or "it will be fine" every now and then. Sweet child. I smile amidst tears.
"Don´t be sad", he comforts me. "They hate you but I love you. The sisters love you and lots of people do because you are very kind and smart. They are just bad. God will punish them someday, and those who killed papa and mama."
"I know baby", I say with a smile as I pull away. I wipe my tears and kiss his hand. It was going to be the usual simple gesture, but then I continue kissing his hand many times again until I am pretending to eat it, like mama used to do sometimes as she tucked us into bed, especially back when we were little. I loved mama so much, I still do… and Nastya would imitate her by doing the same thing, my dear funny little sister, how I miss her.
Alexei giggles and I genuinely feel better for an instant. Happy even.
"I love you", he laughs.
"I love you too", I tell him, and I kiss his forehead before going to my bed.
My brother seems to have fallen asleep rather quickly, probably because of the morphine.
After worrying for a long time about the fate of my sisters, I eventually fall asleep as well.