Perm. July 24th, 1918.
Maria Nikolaevna Romanova.
Commander Pavel was taken this morning. I am alarmed, but Tatiana is even more so. I do not know what to think of it.
Today after we woke up, Denis came to knock on our door just like yesterday. He looked nervous and agitated.
The young guard roll called as always, but instead of leaving, he asked us to walk down the stairs.
"But why? We haven't even bathed yet!" Nastya protested.
"The new commander wants to see you", Denis responded, lowering his head. Tatiana looked as if she were going to faint.
The new commander presented himself as Ignat Iliaovich. He is slightly younger than Pavel, a clean-shaven brunette. He also seems colder and meaner, but to be fair, he hasn´t done much to support that initial impression.
What he has shown us so far with his behavior, is that he is just as indifferent as Pavel, but Ilianovich does not pretend to have sympathy for us by showering us with kindness as Antonovich or Pankratov did.
When Tatiana asked what had happened to Pavel, Ignat replied that it was not a cause for our concern. After that, he allowed us to go back to our rooms as if nothing had happened.
"None of our concern! None of our concern!" Tatiana exclaims, referring to what the man said minutes ago. "How could it not be of our concern?!" She is in tears.
We are sitting cross-legged on the floor of our room facing one another. Anastasia is taking a bath. Tatiana and I already did.
"This is the exact same thing that happened weeks before they killed our parents!" Tatiana cries. "They changed the guards!"
She truly fears the worst. I get closer to Tatiana and hug her.
"Don´t worry, I don't think anything bad is going to happen", Denis soothes us. "They only arrested Pavel."
Denis is in the doorway and has been talking to us ever since he took us downstairs to meet the new commander. Such a dear. If it were not for Denis, we would not have learned Antonovich was actually arrested, although Oleg or one of his friends would have probably told us later.
Tatiana told me about how she offered Denis cake yesterday. That, and the way he joked around with Nastya may be why he seems more polite and considerate now. Tatiana is too upset to appreciate that now though, which is understandable.
"He is right Tatya", I tell my sister as I stroke her hair, but her tears do not stop flowing. "I think you are blowing this out of proportion, just because a change in the guards led to something awful before doesn't mean it will lead to something awful now."
She sighs deeply and lies down, resting her head on my lap. I keep stroking her hair. The truth is I do not know what will happen.
Anastasia comes out of the bathroom with her hair wet. I worry about the way she limps and flinches a bit whenever she steps on one leg. Maybe she hurt herself yesterday running around.
"What happened to you on that leg Shvibzik?" I point at the leg in question.
"Nothing, nothing", she brushes it off by shaking her hand. "I think I fell yesterday".
Oo
Anastasia did not take Pavel´s arrest very seriously. Even now she is joking with Denis about how the poor man looked like Santa.
"It is a shame we won´t have him for Christmas!" Anastasia exclaims. "If he gave us all that wool for no reason at all, imagine on Christmas!"
I smile. Tanya also gives her a tearful smile.
"He did keep candy in his office", Denis chuckles. Tatiana´s mood lightens up. She straightens up and wipes her tears.
"I am not sure you should get any presents this Christmas Nastya", Tatiana teases our sister.
Oo
Oleg is not with us when we have breakfast, or when we have lunch, but later, while walking in the garden with my sisters, I find him. Tatiana and Anastasia are walking fast. They are also trying to get Ortipo to follow them. I remember sadly how much papa loved to walk. He never got tired. I wish he were here with us.
Oleg is standing near the fence when I approach and greet him, as always, dressed in his long coat and fur hat. He welcomes me as usual, by raising his eyebrows and smiling.
"I hope you don't mind", I speak to him, "but I would like to know the reason Antonovich was arrested, Tatiana is really worried". His face immediately changes.
"I have no idea", Oleg says. "They must probably suspect him of doing something".
That is slightly reassuring. Maybe it has nothing to do with us.
"What do you think it is?" I ask. He looks over his side and then the other to make sure no one is listening.
"I don't know", he answers, "but yesterday, my grandmother complained about a bunch of men wanting to get her to spy for them. Maybe the commander was involved with those men."
"Spy what?"
"What do you think? You, this house." He spreads his arms and moves his head around.
"Really?!" I almost jump with excitement. I cannot believe this, are there people out there who want to rescue us? Oh, I dare not hope! Something does not add up, however.
"Why would they have needed Galina if the commander was in fact one of them?" I ask Oleg.
"I don't know", he shrugs. "It could be because she leaves and returns to the house more often than the commander. Those men approached her at the market, maybe they didn't want Pavel to be suspected like he evidently was."
I shrug as he did a few seconds ago.
"What do you think is going to happen to him?" I ask Oleg. I do not have any warm feelings left for Pavel, not after he oversaw my brother and sister being taken away from us, but I do not want anything bad to happen to him. Oleg makes a weird expression. He raises his eyebrows and his gaze goes somewhere else, as if he did not want to tell me the truth.
"We can only hope they don't find evidence for any wrongdoing and thus let him go", he replies once he looks back at me.
"I guess", I say, and we stay silent a few seconds. "26, huh? Already an old man", I tease him.
He chuckles and nods.
"And you made me aware of it", he jokes with a smile. "Thank you very much".
"You are welcome", I reply with a courtesy. Then he becomes sad for some reason. I should not have brought it up.
I feel guilty about it, but I am disappointed about how little excitement Oleg showed yesterday during his birthday party. He only danced with me for a few minutes and then sat back down with his friend. He was polite, sure. There is absolutely nothing I can reproach, and he thanked me and my sisters at the end of the day, but his spirits were low.
Nastya had a better time at Oleg´s party than Oleg himself.
Maybe he is just shy like my mother was, and that is why he does not like parties. Or maybe I have overestimated how close we are. My sisters and I have only small talked a few minutes a day with him, mostly about his time in the army and our time visiting soldiers in the lazaret, or treating them in the case of Tatiana. Maybe, despite his friendliness, he still sees me only as a prisoner. Someone he talks to out of kindness.
"Oleg, did the party yesterday make you feel embarrassed?" I lower my head.
"What? No!" He exclaims with discernible concern. "What makes you think that?"
I can tell he is only saying that to make me feel better. I can recognize pity by now. Most friendly guards have felt it for us, one way or another. I keep my head down. I must have sounded so needy. This whole situation is truly awkward.
"I know it might have been too much, and if that is the case, I sincerely apologize", I say. "I might have organized it for selfish reasons. I am just so miserable all the time… pretending everything is normal and making myself busy is what gets me through the day".
Before Galina even told me Oleg´s birthday was coming up, I had a dream. My sisters and I were back on the Standart, our yacht, before the war. I was fifteen again, and we were wearing white dresses embroidered with lace and big flower hats, dancing with some of our many officers. Laughing and flirting with them. I woke up with unbearable feelings of nostalgia.
"Don't feel bad love, I will tell you what happened", he comforts me, and I raise my head to look at him. "It has nothing to do with what you did. You are a very generous and considerate girl. This is just the first birthday I have celebrated without my brother. I was hoping for the day to pass unnoticed, to be honest. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but I would actually place most of the blame on my grandmother. She knew, and still let you be a part of this".
"I am sorry Oleg," I say. "Was he Yuri or…?"
"Anton", he finishes for me as he closes his eyes for a second and nods. "It was Anton, don't worry about it, there was no way you could have known".
"I bet he must have spoiled you rotten every year for you to miss him that much", I tease him.
"Not really", he replies with a smile. "We shared the same birthday".
"You are a twin?!" I feel embarrassingly excited. I used to pretend I was a mother of twins at times when I played with my sisters as a child. The only thing better than one baby is two babies.
It must be dangerous though. Oleg´s mother died giving birth to either him or his brother. Now I am afraid of it.
"Was a twin", Oleg corrects me in a very melancholic tone.
"Well of course birthdays must be painful!" I exclaim. "I hope you are able to celebrate it again one day though."
"I hope so too", is his answer.
I remember baby´s birthday is less than a month from now. I will miss him so much when it comes as well. I hope Olga finds something fun to do with him, but still, the poor thing will definitely be missing us. I might miss him forever.
If I do not see Alexei again, the memory of him will haunt me my entire life. I will remember him every time I look at my children. Now I want to cry. I wonder what they are doing right now. I hope there are some friendly guards they can talk to in Moscow, but even if there are…I will never know about it.
I am crying now.
"I am so sorry for your brother and sister as well", Oleg gives me another one of his awkward shoulder pats.
Oo
We sing religious hymns after dinner. We used to do that a lot in Ekaterinburg, but things have not been the same ever since. Now I think we should have done so while Olga was still with us, just one last time. She had the best singing voice.
Today is Olga´s name day. The poor dear must be having such a hard time. It is hard enough for us to spend such a special day without her, so none of my sisters have mentioned it much, but we have prayed a lot for her.
Right now, Tatiana and I are upstairs in our room playing checkers. Anastasia is sitting with us as we do. Because it is a game for two, the winner is going to play with Nastya once we are done. We could be playing something more fun, but Anastasia has this weird obsession with not going back to the room she and the little one used to share. There are way more games there.
"I forgave him yesterday, you know?" Tatiana comments.
"Who?" Anastasia asks.
"Pavel", she replies.
"You are a saint Tanya", Anastasia says.
"That was very nice of you Tanya", I add. "Mama would be proud."
I don't know whether I have forgiven anyone. Maybe refusing to think about the ways we have been wronged is my way of forgiving, and so is not being angry at anyone.
When Anastasia stands up to walk around the room, I see her flinch again.
"Nastasia, seriously, what is wrong with your leg?" I ask her, and Tatiana looks at our little sister with concern. I turn to my older sister and explain: "That leg has been bothering her all day."
Tatiana looks between me and Anastasia, then she shakes her head like mama used to.
"Come here Shvibzik", Tatiana gently commands as she extends her arm towards Anastasia. Nastya complies and gets closer. "What happened to your leg?"
"Nothing happened to my leg", Anastasia takes her shoes off and temporarily hides her diamonds in the pockets of her sweater. "More like my feet, but this one is worse". She raises her right leg and shows us the sole of her foot, which has two disgusting and painful-looking blisters.
"Ewww, Shvibzik, what happened?!" I exclaim.
"It turns out having diamonds in your shoes can be painful", my little sister sits on the bed in front of me and Tatiana. "Especially when you are running, or having your feet stepped on."
"Why did you let it get so bad?" Tanya asks with concern as she checks both Nastya´s feet. No wound scares Tatiana. Anastasia shrugs.
"I don't have anywhere else to put the diamonds", my little sister replies.
She is fearless when it comes to pain. When she was a little girl she used to climb up tables and jump from them. Our nanny would give her light slaps on the hand to stop her from doing something so dangerous, but she kept doing it. Her exact words were: "it is not nice to get a slap, but it is better to climb on the table and get a slap than not to climb on the table".
"What about your pockets?" I suggest. "You just put them there."
"I don't feel they are safe in my pockets when there are guards around", she explains. "None of our sweaters have buttons in their pockets either, what if I jump and they fall?"
"That doesn't matter now darling", Tatiana says. "You shouldn't put them in your shoes anymore".
"All right", Anastasia seems to comply. "I will put them in my undergarments then".
"I am serious Anastasia", Tatiana raises her eyebrows.
"And so am I", Anastasia declares. I shake my head and smile.
"They will fall just as easily dear", I say. "What if we keep them here in our room? They haven´t searched it or even entered it much since we arrived. They think we brought no belongings other than the clothes we were wearing, which were not even ours. They don't suspect a thing."
"Mmm…" Anastasia seems scared and unconvinced.
"I understand you are scared", I soothe her. "It was hard for you to smuggle them."
"What if you put them inside your pillow?" Tatiana suggests as she sits next to her. "Really darling, they have no clue".
"All right", Anastasia agrees. "Inside the pillow."
"I am going to ask Antonovich…" Tatiana realizes her mistake. "I am going to ask the new commander for alcohol and bandages for your feet."
Oo
We keep playing checkers after hiding the diamonds, and I lose. Anastasia plays two rounds, first with Tatiana and then with me.
We sing hymns again after praying for Olga and Alexei´s safety with the icon we found, just like Olga told us to do. I feel closer to her.
Now I understand what my sisters felt when I left for Ekaterinburg alone with my parents. The hymns do not sound as good. We need a fourth voice.