｡･:*:･ﾟ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ ｡･:*:･ﾟ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ
Say you love me to my face
I need it more than your embrace
Just say you want me, that's all it takes
Heart's getting torn from your mistakes
"Say You Love Me" - Jesse Warre
｡･:*:･ﾟ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ ｡･:*:･ﾟ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ
A few days later.
She's sure going out of her way to avoid me, Rick thinks to himself as he crosses the tarmac and the downdraft of the passing airborne mecha ruffles his hair. There are the familiar traces of grease, fuel and hot bitumen that remind him of his childhood and the shadow of the battered SDF-1 looms large over the city of New Macross behind him. Something cool tickles his nose and drifts gently against his cheeks.
"Huh?" he mutters, looking up into the grey sky. "Hey, look at that."
A sparkle of white snow flurries float down. For an instant, he's elated at the sight, the snowflakes laying down a carpet of pristine ivory reminding him of hot chocolates and long walks in the cool evening air. But then his smile starts to slip.
The last time it snowed, Lisa and I were in the park together.
A now familiar twist tugs on his heart when he recalls the day it all went sideways. The instant he had heard Minmei's voice on the other end of the phone, he should have hung up. Instead, he'd fallen back into old habits, caught in her allure like a fly in a web and no matter how many times he tried to convince himself that there were a hundred good reasons why going to see Minmei that day had been a good idea, in the cold and brittle aftermath of Lisa's silent fury, he can't recall a single one of them.
It's been days now and Lisa still refuses to speak to him and Rick is beginning to lose what little hope he had left that there was anything left to salvage between them. He had tried to distract himself with his work, being extra diligent with his patrols and in writing up his reports, hoping somehow that Lisa might be impressed with his dedication and attention to detail enough that it might thaw her attitude towards him, but it turns out to be wasted a wasted effort because Lisa hasn't step foot on the base for days.
Rick has no doubts he's the reason for her absence.
He sighs quietly to himself and forces his feet to keep moving along the airstrip. The Skull's hangar looms large before him and he makes his way towards it just as he has so many times before. He misses the times when Lisa would be there waiting for him, her hands tucked behind her back and her hair billowing in the wind. Instead, he's greeted by a surprising amount of cheer in the pilot's locker room, the upbeat chatter and loud, playful voices are a jarring contrast to the unexpected low set of his mood. He spies Max and Bobby, already stripping off their flight gear and Rick gives them both a nod before he makes his way towards his own locker.
There's a burst of laughter from nearby and Rick experiences a flash of irritation at the sound. He flattens his mouth into a tight line just as a familiar face appears at his elbow.
"Hey, Skipper," Max says brightly. "Are you ready to pain the town red tonight? It's going to be a great night."
Rick absently stows his helmet away, his thoughts still outside with the snowflakes and Lisa. He wonders if maybe he should just let sleeping dogs lie. She clearly doesn't want to speak to him, and he can't blame her, really. Maybe he should take his lead from her, and simply… let her be. He doesn't care for the twisting plunge of his gut when he considers that maybe this time he's made a blunder he can't come back from. But it's Lisa, he tells himself. She's always forgiven him in the past, hasn't she?
He can't shake the niggling feeling that this time… all bets are off.
"Oh, I don't know, Max," Rick says as he tugs on the fastenings of his flight suit. His mood has taken a severe nose dive after seeing the snow and thinking about his problems with Lisa. "I'm pretty tired."
"Uh, that's a negative, Captain," Bobby calls out from the other side of the room. His cherub like face makes him look younger than he really is but he's been flying with Rick for almost a year. He's not as by-the-book as Ransom and Rick has always liked him. "Your presence is mandatory!"
Rick shuts his locker, not quite following the exchange. "Mandatory? Uh, wait, have I missed something? What's going on?"
It's Ransom who answers him, an older man who joined the service not long after the Rain. He flew crop dusters back in his youth and the fact that Rick out flies and out ranks him at the tender age of twenty four is something Rick knows bothers him. "Bobby's bachelor party, Captain. We've had this planned for weeks."
Rick tries to ignore the flash of annoyance at the faintly disapproving tone. "Oh, right. Of course it is. It just slipped my mind for a moment."
Ransom's mouth pinches. "Of course it did," he says mildly, his tenor clearly telling Rick he doesn't believe it for a second.
Max senses the sudden tension. He slides between Rick and Ransom and give Rick a warm slap on the shoulder. "Come on, Rick," he cajoles. "We can't celebrate Bobby's impending nuptials without you so you've gotta come."
"Yeah, Captain," another one of the Skull says. "Besides we need you there to pick up the tab!"
There's laughter in response to that and Rick's mouth twists in as he hesitates. He's really not in the mood to go out drinking with the squad but his sense of obligation is strong. Besides, he likes Bobby and Rick took his responsibility as a leader both on and off duty seriously.
Roy definitely would have thrown off the bad mood and joined them on the town.
"Alright," Rick agrees finally. "I suppose someone has to be there to keep an eye on you lot. Can't have you embarrassing the RDF and all."
The others cheer and Bobby flashes him a grateful smile. "That's the spirit! Way to go, Captain!"
Before long, Rick is carried along in the small crowd of pilots as they leave the base and make their way into New Macross's thriving central district. The streets are busy with civilians and with them all out of uniform, Rick and the squad blend in easily. A cinema across the street is showing an old classic from before the Rain of Death, a flick called Hello Goodbye that somehow seems vaguely familiar. Rick considers privately that it was good to see something other than Minmei's movies on show.
They pour into a bar called The Set-Up, a place Rick has been to a few times before. Although the building it was nestled in was as new as the reconstruction efforts, inside it felt timeless, with warm paneling on the walls sporting the occasional Minmei poster, rich burgundy carpets and low lighting that fostered a warm, intimate mood. The bar is towards the back wall but the group of pilots ignore it in favour of finding a booth. It turns out to be a tight squeeze, too many men squashed into too small a space and Rick grunts then can't help but laugh when he finds himself wedged between Max on one side and a still wet around the ears corporal on the other. The corporal seems far to be young to be in a place like this and he looks at Rick like a deer in the headlights. Rick suddenly feels every one of his twenty four years when he stares into the face of the fledgling corporal. He wonders idly if he was as wide eyed and terrified when he was that age.
He mentions as much to Max a bit later in the evening once the drinks start coming out and Max chuckles beside him. "I still remember the first time Ben and I met you back on the SDF-1. We were more nervous about meeting Commander Fokker. Uh, no offence, Rick."
Rick laughs at that, not offended in the slightest. Roy was a legend among the crew of the SDF-1 and it was only by virtue of Rick's childhood bond with him that kept him thoroughly unimpressed by his big brother's war hero status before the war with the Zentraedi had started. He hadn't understood the awe that people regarded Roy with, not until much later when they were trapped in a tin can somewhere out past Pluto and they couldn't be sure if any day could be their last.
Rick does his best to keep his mood light and join in with the banter with the squad, telling himself that times like this were important for team bonding. For the most part, he's successful. He almost doesn't notice the tightness across his shoulders and the heavy lump in his gut from earlier was starting to ease until he glances up and his heart almost seizes as he catches sight of a head full of honey brown hair. For a slit second he thinks its Lisa, and the wild flare of elation that he might finally be able to speak to her is dizzying. He's halfway out of his seat before the realization hits that it's not her and the weight of his disappointment makes him sink back into down slowly.
Once again that now familiar pang against his heart sounds and it takes him a long moment to realize… he misses her.
The rest of the pilots don't seem to notice his sudden turmoil as a waitress delivers around of shots to the table. Toasts start being made and Rick forces himself to pay attention. He's grateful for the burn each shot of alcohol has against his throat and the dulling of his senses, at least for a little while.
The tributes continue, as do the drinks and Max seems particularly determined to toast to everything about marriage, being the only married man in attendance; the self-appointed expert and number one fan of the institution.
"Yeah," Bobby jeers, leaning over the table to wave his drink in Max's face after the third offering. The amber liquid sloshes dangerously but Bobby doesn't notice. "But your wife is a Zentraedi, different rules have gotta apply, right?"
Max looks at him sagely. "You might think so, but a woman is still a woman, and you need to know how to make happy. Repeat after me boys. A happy wife means a happy-"
Most of the pilots finish off in a chorus of "life!" except for one who yells out "ending!" before dissolving into fits of shouts and laughter. Max reigns supreme at the end of the table, doling out the drinks from the bottle he'd swiped while the bartender wasn't paying attention.
Rick listens with half an ear as Bobby starts to mumble into his cups about his future bride beside him. It sounds like a whirlwind romance; they had met, fallen in love and Bobby had proposed in a matter of months. Part of Rick wonders if Bobby shouldn't be tying himself to someone so quickly, but the other part of himself thinks why wait? If the war with the Zentraedi had taught them anything it's that no one can predict tomorrow, no one knows how much time they have left, so why bother holding back on the things that make them happy?
Rick ponders that last thought as another warm burn slides down his throat. What was happiness anyway? For a long time he had considered Minmei to be his happiness, except when he listens to the conversation around the table, all talk of love and life, it's not Minmei's face that lurks at the edges of his thoughts.
"She's my ever'thing, Capt," Bobby turns and says to him, a sloppy smile on his face and his eyes distinctly unfocused enough to make Rick wonder if he should move away lest Bobby loses the contents of his stomach. "I'm so happy, I love her so.. so mu- much."
"That's swell, Bobby," Rick manages to say. He finds himself genuinely hoping that Bobby and his bride are one of the lucky ones in this new world. He genuinely hopes they have a long, happy life together, untouched by any more tragedy. Hope for the best, but expect the worst, Rick thinks, and then he wonders if that sage maxim could offer him any solace with Lisa.
"Alright, Skipper," Max lands heavily in the seat beside him, startling Rick out of his thoughts. Rick hadn't realized that he was suddenly alone at the table, the others migrated over to the bar and a few on the dancefloor while he was deep in contemplation. "Are you going to tell me what's going on? There's scuttlebutt that your date with Captain Hayes didn't go so well. That's not true, is it?"
Rick swallows back his groan and slumps in his chair. He's been waiting for this. Almost everyone on the com had heard him ask Lisa on the picnic, but not so many had been there the day of when she had called in to the base to look for him. He knew it would only be a matter of time before speculation ran rife. He also knew Lisa would hate it, and it's yet another item to put on the list of things he needs to apologize profusely for.
If he can ever get her to speak to him again.
He sighs. "In this instance, scuttlebutt would be right," he says miserably. "The date didn't even happen."
"What do you mean?" Max frowns at him over his blue tinted aviators but then shrugs in his easy way. "Don't tell me you got cold feet and stood her up, Captain?" he teases then he catches sight of Rick's face, of the dismay and guilt Rick isn't fast enough to hide and blinks. "Oh. Uh. Ah… Do you want talk about it?"
Rick's first instinct is to wave it off, to shut the door on that complicated scenario and ignore it. It was his usual pattern when it came to matters of the heart before now, but the heaviness that clings to him won't let him follow his usual habits. He can't stop replaying the moment Lisa's soft gaze had morphed into something hurt and hard and brimming with fury in the moment before she had stormed away.
It takes him a long time to realize the feelings that sit heavily inside him are ones of shame and guilt and it's an effort to draw up the courage to tell Max the whole, sorry story.
Initially Max looks saddened, then horrified, then the moment Rick finishes speaking, Max lifts a hand and slaps Rick over the back of the head.
Rick splutters angrily. "Hey!"
Max's normally warm eyes behind his aviators are narrowed with annoyance. He scowls at Rick, unapologetic. "Well clearly someone needs to knock some sense into you, Skipper and since Commander Fokker is no longer with us, it's going to have to be me. And trust me, you don't want it to be Miriya."
Rick opens his mouth to protest then snaps it shut quickly, privately agreeing. He had built a good rapport with Miriya over the years, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't still have the odd moment when he was still slightly intimidated by Max's micronized wife.
"Thanks a lot," Rick complains, rubbing the bad of his head and noticing the further sinking of his gut. If it wasn't enough that Lisa wouldn't talk to him, now even his best friend was annoyed at him. "I know I made a mistake, alright."
Max peers at him assessingly and pours himself another drink. On the other end of the table, an arm wrestling match has broken out between Bobby and another pilot Rick is sure he should know the name of but suddenly can't place. Rick doesn't bother to watch.
"Look, Rick, one of these days, you have got to let Minmei go. Either that, or man up and ask her to marry you and be done with it."
"Marry me?" Rick says in alarm. "No one said anything about marriage."
"Marriage is beautiful, Rick. You should try it sometime."
"Huh," Rick snorts and gives Max a sideways glance. He plucks the drink Max just poured and commandeers it for himself. "You're like a walking advertisement for matrimony these days, you realize that, right?"
Max shrugs, nonplussed at Rick's comment or his thievery and pours himself a new glass. "Why wouldn't I be? I have a beautiful wife and an adorable baby girl waiting for me at home."
Max downs the shot then goes quiet for a moment. He stares into his glass and Rick is still sober enough to notice that Max's enthusiasm has taken an unexpected dive into melancholy.
Uh, oh, Rick thinks. "Max," he probes cautiously after a few moments have passed. "Is everything alright at home?"
Max's head snaps up. "Huh? Yes of course. I just… I kind of wish I was there right now though."
For a minute, Rick is confused. "So why don't you just go home? To be honest, I kind of want to get out of here too."
"Because we're doing this for Bobby, Rick," Max says, rolling his eyes gently, like the answer should be obvious. "And also because… because Miriya and I decided it might be best to have some time apart."
The alcohol makes Rick's brain sluggish, so he's not sure he's following what Max is trying to tell him. Time apart? Separation? That was generally a precursor to a relationship collapsing. Surely Max and Miriya can't be on the path to divorce, he thinks wildly. Max and Miriya were… well, Max and Miriya. Their love defied an entire galaxy. "Huh?" Rick manages to blink. "Time apart? As in a divor-"
Max almost cracks the bottle against the table in his hurry to set it down and put Rick straight. "No! God, not.. Not a divorce, what are you thinking, Rick?"
Rick shrugs helplessly as Max shakes his head at him. He's not sure why his brain jumped to that conclusion first but then Lisa's face flashes briefly behind his eyes. "I dunno, you said time apart."
"It's just… well, we live together, we fly together, we fight together, Rick. Sometimes I wonder if one day she's just going to get sick of me."
Rick snorts. "I can't imagine that ever happening."
"I love her, Rick. Even after all these years, even knowing what the Zentraedi really are… I love her more and more each day. I can't explain it. It's… it's everything."
Rick feels more comfortable with the glazed look that slides over Max's eyes. His gaze turns soft and more than a little dreamy. Rick's used to this but instead of finding private humor in the way Max cares so clearly about his wife, Rick wonders what it would be like to have a love like that.
He's always loved Minmei, but… well, it wasn't exactly like she loved him back. Not like how Max loves Miriya.
For a brief flash, Rick is suddenly irrationally, bitterly jealous of his best friend and wingman but he does his best to shove it down. He reminds himself that whatever it was he had with Minmei, it wouldn't ever be anything real like this. Just a fantasy he needs to tuck away before it ruins whatever might come in the future.
If it hasn't already.
"You know, sometimes I envy you, Max. You've found the one for you and she loves you back. You're lucky."
Max looks at him shrewdly. Or as shrewdly as he can with his eyes glassy from too much alcohol. Rick feels a little light headed himself. "I think maybe you found the one for you too, Skipper. And it wasn't four years ago on launch day."
Rick swallows thickly, his stomach rolling with the knowledge that he's sunk that boat. Suddenly salvaging anything with Lisa seems impossible. He's not sure she even likes him anymore, let alone loves him. The ache settles painfully in his heart, surprising him with the force of it.
He shakes his head sadly. "Too late for that."
"It's never too late," Max waves a hand at him dismissively. "If you're still breathing, there's still a chance. You know Ben would tell you to go for it."
Ben's name brings a familiar pang to Rick's chest. The loss of him still hurts and even after all this time, Rick still lies awake at night wondering if there was more he could have done. If he had given the order a fraction earlier, would Ben still be here too? But he knows those kinds of thoughts are hopeless and nothing will change the past.
The future though… it was still waiting to be written.
Lisa's face pops into his mind again, the soft, happy smile she had given him as she had looped her arm in his and they had started to walk down the path in the park. She had been so warm and her soft laugh was like a pretty bell in his ear. He had been so overwhelmed with gratitude that she was still willing to spend time with him that he'd tucked her close and smiled softly at her.
What a contrast that had been from when Minmei had taken his arm earlier in Monument City. He'd been tense and anxious then, inundated and faintly nauseous by the heavy cloud of perfume Minmei wore; worried they would be seen by an army of lenses.
He really shouldn't have bothered. He should have stuck to his date with Lisa. How could he have hurt her like that?
Rick swallows, something thick in his throat. "How… How did you know, Max? How did you know Miriya was the one for you?"
Max's expression turns infinitely soft as he reminisces. "Because when I saw her, all the noise just… stopped. And when I'm with her, I feel calm. She's my equil… equilalib.. equalibri-ham."
"Alright, I think you've had enough," Rick tries to tell him kindly, reaching for the bottle Max still clutches in his hand but Max pulls it back out of Rick's reach and waves him off.
"And you haven't had enough!" he states firmly. "Here, 'ave another one. Maybe then you'll realize what you've got right in front of you... and that it's worth fighting for."
｡･:*:･ﾟ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ ｡･:*:･ﾟ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ