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'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If you don't wanna try
But all that I've been thinking of
Is maybe that you might

"Say You Love Me" - Jessie Warre

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The chime of the doorbell rouses Lisa from her sleep.

She opens her eyes to sunlight streaming through the gap between her curtains and her eyes gritty from the tears she had shed before, during and after Rick's unannounced visit. She sits up, pushes the sheets aside and glances at the clock, surprised to see it's well past ten o'clock. She had dragged herself back to the sanctuary of her bed after Rick left, but she had laid awake for hours replaying their conversation in her mind until she had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep just as the sun was crawling golden fingers over the horizon.

In the light of day, the events of the previous night feel like a dream.

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror in the hall and hastily combs her fingers through her hair. She looks tired and unkempt and in that moment, she resolves to ignore the doorbell. Whoever it is on the other side won't be anyone she wants to see. Claudia would have phoned first, and she would like to hope that Rick wouldn't be thoughtless enough to show up uninvited twice in the space of twenty four hours.

Oh, Rick, she thinks to herself as the bell chimes once more. What on Earth am I going to about you?

A voice she doesn't recognize calls out, "delivery!" and a minute later she hears the slam of a van door. After a moments debate, she cracks open her front door to discover a pretty array of pink flowers on her doorstep. Tucked amongst the soft blush petals is a small white card with unmistakable handwriting.

I'm sorry. For everything. – R.H

Lisa stares at the note, then at the flowers. She's confused by her emotions on the gesture, part of her touched and unashamedly pleased that Rick would think to do something so classically romantic while another part of her still fumes. She tries to remind herself that trinkets and flowers aren't nearly enough for her to forgive him so easily but something about the few simple words on the card burrow deep into the core of her and take up root.

For the rest of the morning she finds it hard to concentrate. Her brain is still foggy from her interrupted sleep and her heart feels over wrought and drained. Rick had surprised her, confused her and just when she thought she was ready to let him go, he had planted himself in her way and refused to budge. She had always known he could be headstrong and obstinate, but this isn't a battle Lisa ever thought she would have to fight.

Yet the overlapping thread that keeps weaving through her thoughts is hard to ignore… he cares and she had been so sure he didn't and now the tiny flicker of hope that they could build something together is threatening to spread through her soul like wildfire. Lisa isn't at all sure she's ready to take another chance on that.

Lisa sighs as she wanders from room to room, discarding yet another cup of cold tea she had brewed but couldn't stomach and for the first time, she regrets taking a week's leave from her station on the SDF-2 with nowhere to go and nothing to do. She stares at the potted blooms in the centre of her dining table in their delicate ceramic pot and watches the clock, counting down the minutes until Claudia's shift is over so that she can call her friend and beg her to stop by for dinner on her way home from the base. The rest of the day is channeled into furiously cleaning her entire pre-fabricated quarters from head to toe, as though scrubbing at the walls hard enough is all she needs to do to exorcise her demons.

Finally the sun dips below the horizon and Claudia arrives on her doorstep with a bottle of red wine.

"Oh boy, am I glad to see you," Lisa says as Claudia walks in. Claudia takes off her coat and drapes it over the edge of a chair before perching herself at Lisa's kitchen counter. She gives Lisa an assessing look, raking her gaze over Lisa from head to toe critically.

"Well, I would l like to be able to say that time away has been good for you but the bags under your eyes say otherwise."

Lisa flushes slightly and glances away, turning to rummage in her cupboard for the wine glasses in an effort to hide her face. "You don't know the half of it, Claudia."

"Is that so? Well, hand me that bottle and unload it all on me, honey. What's the latest on this Hayes-Hunter feud, hmm?"

Lisa cringes inwardly at how transparent she must seem, but then again, the first shoulder she had cried on after her picnic plans with Rick went so awry was Claudia's. Her friend had cautioned her against taking so much time away to wallow but Lisa knew she needed the private time to regroup and rebuild her defenses before she was faced with the prospect of seeing Rick again after he had hurt her so badly.

Lisa fills their wine glasses, taking the moment to rally herself before she answers. "Well, if you must know, he showed up here frozen half to death in the middle of the night last night."

Claudia blinks. Her jaw drops. "He what?"

"Mhmm." Lisa hands Claudia her wine with a wry smile then takes a tiny sip of her drink. Claudia is still stunned. "I couldn't believe it."

Claudia's startled expression soon gives way to a cunning grin. Her big brown eyes sparkle with a mirth that comes far too easily for Lisa's comfort. "Well," Claudia teases, propping an elbow up against the countertop and leaning close. "I assume you invited him in and warmed him right up, didn't you?"

"Claudia!" Lisa admonishes, her face betraying her embarrassment by staining red. "You know I'm not like that."

Claudia leans back and laughs brightly, teasing Lisa harder. "Oh, but you must have judging by those suddenly red rosy cheeks! Come on, girl, what aren't you telling me?"

"It wasn't like that," Lisa protest but in spite of herself, she finds herself laughing along with Claudia and it feels good to laugh after shedding so many tears.

"Then I hope you made him grovel," Claudia smirks as she sips her wine.

Lisa recalls Rick's pathetic state when he had tumbled in through the doorway and landed at her feet. She told herself she was still furious with him, but it seemed the hurt was easing now that it had finally started to sink in that he'd gone to see Minmei to break it off once and for all and not because he had chosen Minmei over her. She explains as much to Claudia, who listens with rapt attention as Lisa relays the events of the night before and the heart wrenching and surprising conversation she'd had with Rick. It still feels a lot like make-believe and had it not been for the delivery of flowers that morning, Lisa might have wondered if she had hallucinated the whole thing.

"He must have been out there for hours before I let him in. I swear he almost had frostbite."

"Hm. He wouldn't be much of a pilot without his fingers," Claudia winks and after a moment their shared laughter fades away into a companionable silence. The warmth in Lisa's chest when she thinks of Rick is stronger now, overriding the bad temper she had tried to hold onto so tightly. She wonders what it would feel like to just let it go, to give Rick the benefit of a doubt.

The silence lingers for a moment longer and across the counter, Claudia gives her a meaningful look. "So, honey. What are you going to do?"

Lisa drops her gaze and stares into her wine glass. "I don't know," she says quietly. Her heart squeezes in her chest when she thinks about him and she holds a memory of his earnest gaze from the night before close behind her eyes. "I love him but… but he's going to break my heart, I just know it."

Claudia frowns at that, her good humor forgotten. "Lisa, that's loser talk. Don't sell him short like that."

"But how can I possibly believe what he says? He's loved Minmei for years. How can he just… switch it off like that? And how long before he goes running back to her?"

Claudia swirls her wine thoughtfully. "There's no guarantee he will. But I suppose you'll never know unless you give him a chance."

"He doesn't deserve it."

"Lisa, Rick isn't cruel," Claudia reminds her gently. "He's a little dense when it comes to matters of the heart, sure. Look who his role model was!" Claudia chuckles lightly to herself and Lisa smiles too, remembering Roy. "But he's never tried to be something he's not. Can't you see that?"

"I can," Lisa says softly. Then she closes her eyes and exhales roughly. "Oh, Claudia, he knows how I feel about him but he went off with her anyway. Standing me up on a date he asked for!"

"To set Minmei straight from what you've told me."

Lisa's mouth grows tight. "So he claims."

"Maybe you're being too hard on him. If you want to make this work, you need to be able to let it go, Lisa."

"I don't know if I can."

"Honey, you've loved Rick Hunter for years, and I'm fairly sure he loves you back. At the very least he cares enough about you to beg you for another chance. He wants to be with you, Lisa. Why are you holding back?"

Lisa stares into her wine glass and struggles to make sense of her hesitation. It was true that not so long ago she would have been ecstatic at Rick's change of attitude but now she worries there will only be more heartbreak and disaster on the horizon. It had almost been safer when she knew Rick's feelings for Minmei would always lurk in the background. Yes, she cares for Rick, yes she loves him, but there would always be a part of her that understood and begrudgingly accepted that she wouldn't have all of him. She told herself she could live with that, but then reality had crashed in and she realised too late that she had been lying to herself all along.

But now... Rick with all his guileless charm and hopeless understanding of ways of the heart, is easy enough to love as it is. If he turns his full offensive on Lisa without the safety of his feelings for Minmei in their way, Lisa knows she would be completely powerless and utterly without defence under the weight of it.

It takes courage to be so open and exposed in love, and Lisa isn't at all sure she has the strength to let herself fall too deep now that she's had a taste of how much her heart could hurt.

And oh, she may be the decorated Captain Lisa Hayes, known for her strength and bravery under fire, but in this… in this she was afraid.

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Five long days go by and Rick doesn't hear a word from Lisa.

Perhaps she's enjoying making him suffer, he thinks, leaving him to languish in ambiguity and Rick figures it's probably a taste of his own medicine. He can't bring himself to believe that she's done with him, but there's been no contact, no sign of her and short of showing up uninvited on her doorstep again, he doesn't know if there's much more he can do.

In an effort to ignore the growing lump in his chest, he throws himself into his duties. He spends extra time on his reports, takes extra patrols, goes for long, heart pumping runs and even volunteers to put some of the new recruits through their paces in the simulators.

He trains and flies and fights until he's exhausted, but when he lies down to sleep, rest remains far out of reach. He stares up at the little yellow model plane dangling from his ceiling, the last gift he had received from Roy that he had painstakingly repaired. He had worked on it in the evenings after he had first moved into his quarters during the reconstruction of New Macross city back on Earth. Lisa had been there, peering over his shoulder curiously as he lifted the lid on the box he had stored it in while they were still in space.

"What is that?" she had asked as he carefully pulled out the shattered pieces before recognition had dawned. He remembers the way her eyes softened and she had stepped close to lay a hand against his shoulder, knowing just what the little plane meant to him without him needing to say a word. He remembers that moment, of suddenly being so vividly aware of her. Her touch had been electric against his skin, even through the cotton material of his shirt. He hadn't realised what it was then, the way his heart was forming and remolding into the shape of her with every lingering hour they spent together.

He traces the plane with his eyes and wonders if there was more he could have said to her, if there was more he could have done. If he only needed to fight harder for her like he never bothered to do with Minmei.

Don't push it, little brother. She'll come around on her own.

The next morning he's in the mess hall after another long, sleepless night when he bumps into Claudia. He has to scrabble to rescue his mug of coffee from sloshing all over his uniform and balance an oversized muffin on a plate.

"Claudia! Oh, uh. Hi."

In lieu of a greeting, she places one hand on a slim hip and peers into his face.

"You look terrible," she says mildly. "Something keeping you up at night, Captain?"

Rick eyes her suspiciously, wondering just how much she knows. Claudia and Lisa went way back and he has no doubts of where her loyalties lie despite the fact she had come close to being his sister in law. Part of him wants to make a quick exit, wary of the scolding he knows she'll drop on him, but the other part of him is desperate to glean anything, even the tiniest scrap of information regarding Lisa's current state of mind.

Rick isn't afraid to admit that the silence from her has been excruciating.

"Could be," he finally says, aiming for casually noncommittal and falling far short. Claudia gives him a knowing look.

"You're not the only one," she says and her gaze turns sympathetic. Rick tells his heart not to leap in hope but it does anyway. "I saw her a few days ago. She told me what you did."

Rick's heart sinks as quickly as it rose. "Uh. Which part?"

Claudia's lips twitch with amusement. "Relax, Rick. She told me everything and I'll admit, I wanted to strangle you for standing her up and… honestly, what were you thinking?"

"But I-"

Claudia holds up a hand to cut him off, dismissing that thread of conversation for something new. She shuffles him along in the line, collecting a few items for herself and gesturing at him to walk with her to a table nearby. "But she also told me you went to apologize."

"It wasn't what she thought it was, Claudia," he says as they take their seats. "I handled it poorly, I know but… uh-"

"I see that now, Rick. But you hurt her. Badly. It's going to take some time for her to trust your intentions again. What are they exactly, hmm?"

Rick wants to avoid Claudia's confronting gaze but he's long since come to terms with the fact that regret has become his constant companion lately. There's not really much else she can say to him that he hasn't already said to himself.

He tells her as much with a loose shrug and pushes aside his drink and the barely nibbled at muffin. He doesn't know why he persists; he hasn't had an appetite for days. His stomach churns every time Lisa's voice echoes in his mind, that one word that will dash his hopes and change the course of his life forever.

Reassignment.

Not long after, Claudia pats his shoulder and gets up to leave but he can't let her go without asking, even if the answer is one that will send him spiraling.

"Claudia, is she really going to leave?"

Claudia pauses and glances over her shoulder. There's a crease between her brows, as though she's not quite sure what he's asking. "There's not many places to go, but I suppose that depends on you."

"What do you mean?"

Claudia sighs, exasperated, as though the answer should be obvious. Maybe it should be but Rick can't seem to see the forest for the trees anymore. "Give her something to stay for."

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Claudia's words follow him home and echo in tandem with Lisa's and once again he ends up tossing and turning in his narrow bed. Sometime past midnight he finally huffs and rolls over, trying to think about anything else but the way he aches inside. He shouldn't be a stranger to the sensation, not after how long he pined away for Minmei. But this pain was sharper. Profound. This pain hooked in deep and permeated everything he was.

And who was he without Lisa?

He shoves aside the sheets and sits up, resigning himself to the fact that sleep will elude him once again and wanders into his small galley kitchen to get himself a glass of water. It's quiet in his small space, not even a hum from the veritech patrols that would be flying overhead and he downs his drink and dumps the glass into the sink before shuffling back into his bedroom where his eye catches a framed photo in the lamplight. It's long lived on his desk but something makes him venture close and pick it up. The frame is cool in his hands and his own face stares back at him, along with Minmei's as she clings to his arm in front of a sparkling fountain.

The kid looking back at him from the photo seems unrecognizable now. It feels like too long ago, thrust into a war with the Zentraedi, back when his uniform was shiny and new. He'd felt like an imposter in those hours before his first real mission, like some kid playing dress up in his father's clothes. Now here he was, a veteran with countless battles fought and a war behind him.

And Minmei… Minmei a superstar.

It almost makes his lips quirk when he had once considered his biggest problem was to how to get Minmei to pay him more attention… and his feisty superior officer to pay him less.

Rick snorts to himself quietly. Funny how things change.

He places the frame down on the desk and glances around with fresh eyes. His gaze catches on the poster on the wall nearby. Another image of Minmei. Her dark hair falls in waves over her shoulder as she croons into a microphone. He remembers coming back from a long patrol not so long ago to find his quarters tidied and this poster upside down. At the time he had thought it was Lisa's idea of a joke but with the memory of their last conversation replaying in his between his ears, he wonders if it was something else that had prompted that small act of rebellion.

It had become clear to him that Lisa hadn't thought too highly of Minmei's hold on him but he was long used to the push and pull of Minmei's moods.

He just hadn't realised how much they were impacting Lisa too. She yanks on your chain and then you yank on mine and we all end up heartbroken for it.

Without stopping to think about it, Rick reaches up and rips the poster from the wall. He strides into his living space and does the same to the poster out there. He finds himself energized suddenly as he goes around his quarters and collects the various Minmei artefacts – albums, a doll, magazines, more photos. He hadn't gone out of his way to collect them, Minmei had always made sure to send him whatever new paraphilia was out and it had been easy enough to stick them somewhere on display then forget about them.

But he hadn't considered what it all might look like to Lisa.

He stands in the middle of his quarters, wondering what to do with the small collection in his arms before finding a discarded shoebox and dropping the few Minmei items into the empty carton. Her likeness fills it, dark hair, blue eyes and pink lips – overly bright smiles. He had much preferred her before she became a star and when he looks at the images with her face now, he's not entirely sure he recognizes her from the girl he'd spent two weeks with in the bowels of the space fortress.

He shuts the lid slowly and Minmei's face disappears from sight. He carries the box to the garbage bin outside and ignores the bite of the frigid path on his bare feet as he dumps the box into the trash.

It feels symbolic somehow, as though the act of taking away Minmei's traces had finally dissolved the last of her ties around his heart.

And in the shadow of the SDF-1 that looms dark in the distance, he finally feels… free.

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Claudia stops in on her way back to the base a few days later. It's become a habit now, and a good thing too because Lisa isn't sure she would even bother to get dressed were it not for the knowledge Claudia would kick her backside six ways from Sunday if she didn't.

"How long are you going to hide away from the world, hmm? Honey, the man you love wants to be with you and you're still moping around in here like your favourite aunt just died."

Lisa treads the same ancient ground.

"Oh, Claudia," she sighs miserably. "I just don't know what to do. How can I allow myself to be hurt again? Fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice-"

"Lisa, why are you so sure you're going to be hurt? It seems to me like your favourite flyboy has finally done some growing up. He knows what he wants now… or should I say, who."

Lisa pinches the bridge of her nose. "I don't know, Claudia. It's all just so sudden."

Claudia laughs. "Not from where I'm sitting, it's not."

"Then what do I do?"

Claudia squeezes Lisa's shoulders warmly. "At some point, you have to decide if the love you feel for him is worth the chance. You know he cares for you too. Why are you fighting it?"

"Maybe I'm just not that brave."

"Not that old song again. You're one of the bravest women I know, Lisa."

Lisa looks away. "You know, sometimes I think walking head first into Dolza's fleet would be less frightening than opening myself up to be hurt again."

"I hear that," Claudia says dryly and she catches Lisa's eye as they laugh together quietly. "I saw him, you know. He looked terrible."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I don't think that poor boy has slept a wink since he last saw you."

Lisa purses her lips and tries to squash down her sudden bout of concern. "I find that hard to believe."

"Is it really so difficult to believe he cares about you?"

Claudia's soft question makes Lisa look inside herself for the truth. "He says he does."

"And has he tried to contact you again?"

Lisa huffs slightly. "He's sent a few messages."

Claudia's eyebrows rise expectantly. When Lisa doesn't offer any more information, she plants her hands on her hips. "Don't tell me you're going to make me pry it out of you."

Lisa's face feels hot. "It's just a few messages. He… he wants to see me. To talk, I suppose."

"Talk, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" Claudia's teasing tone is unmistakable and Lisa smiles weakly. Rick had lasted a whole three days before he had tentatively reached out again with a simple email. Lisa hadn't responded but that didn't stop him from sending a new message the next day, then another one the day after that.

A small part of Lisa had been relieved to hear from him. In his absence, she had nightmares of searching for him, only to find him willingly ensnared in Minmei's arms once again. Lisa always woke in a cold sweat with her heart feeling like it was about to shatter into pieces on the floor, reminding her over and over of everything she had to lose.

Once again, a memory slides through her. The echo of his words from that moment on the flight deck before Operation Star Saver plays like a warning. Yes, I love her very much I won't lie to you Lisa, but I resolved my feelings about her a long time ago. We can never be together.

Then the next time Lisa saw him, he was locking lips with little Miss Minmei herself on the tarmac.

She shakes her head in denial. She had been too quick to trust him then. She won't make the same mistake twice. How can she possibly trust that this time will be any different?

Some of her inner turmoil must show too clearly on her face because Claudia's encouraging smile fades.

"Lisa," she says carefully. "If you keep pushing him away, you might lose him for good."

Lisa turns over her worries in her mind once again and the apprehension is as violent as ever. Was she to be Rick's consolation prize because he couldn't have the woman he really wanted? Was that the real reason he wanted her forgiveness so badly? That he just didn't want to be alone? And what if she builds a life with Rick, gives him everything and then Minmei decides she wants him back?

"I know," she says in a rough voice, the ache in her chest so vibrant it stings every part of her. "But maybe that's for the best. I've… I've been thinking about reassignment-"

"Reassignment!" Claudia's eyes grow wide with disbelief and there's a flash of temper. But she sees the tears Lisa knows are welling in her eyes and her expression softens. "So that's what Rick meant when he asked if you were leaving."

"He asked if I was leaving?"

"Mhm. He looked real torn up about it too. Did you say something to him about it?"

"I… I said that if this-" Lisa gestures vaguely with a weak wave of her hand. "-Is going to be a problem, then we shouldn't work together anymore."

Claudia is quiet for a moment then she sighs softly. "You know, I'd be lying if I hadn't considered it myself."

"What?" Lisa gasps.

Claudia chuckles lightly. "Well, I wouldn't go without you of course. But to be perfectly frank, if you and Rick don't sort this out whatever this thing is between you both, then yes, perhaps reassignment might be the best thing for everyone."

Lisa casts around for a response but nothing seems to come to mind. She hadn't expected Claudia to be in sync with her on this. In fact, she had expected a tongue lashing from Claudia and finds herself flabbergasted that it hadn't eventuated.

But suddenly faced with Claudia's support and the very real prospect of no longer being in Rick's orbit either in her personal or professional life, Lisa hesitates.

Claudia's gaze turns speculative in the silence. Her lips curve into a knowing smile. "You're not ready to let him go yet, are you?"

Lisa swallows around a lump in her throat. Her heart beat kicks up in her chest and her skin feels hot. As much as her fear grips her, everything inside her threatens to balk hard at walking away from Rick forever. "No, I… I don't know."

"If you want him to love you, Lisa, you have to make room in your life for him. Love is a risk, whatever way you look at it."

Lisa buries her face into her hands as a sob crawls up her throat. "I'm frightened, Claudia."

Claudia comes close and wraps her arms around Lisa's shoulders. The warmth of the other woman's embrace make the tears come faster.

"I know, honey," Claudia tells her softly. "And only you can decide if you're ready to take another chance on him. But for what it's worth, it feels an awful lot like to me that he's learned a very valuable lesson these past few days. He might surprise you."

Lisa wipes her eyes as Claudia steps back. "What makes you say that?"

"Oh, you haven't seen the detail he's been putting into his reports, lately. Or the extra hours he's been spending with the cadets. Aside from how shattered he looks and the extra patrols he keeps putting his hand up for, it seems to me like he's trying to get someone's attention."

Lisa shakes her head. "That's ridiculous."

Claudia lifts an eyebrow. "Is it? Have you answered any of his messages? Taken any of his calls? Did you thank him for the flowers?"

Lisa looks up, startled. "How did you know about that?"

"You won't stop staring at them. And I don't remember seeing them here last week. Rather thoughtful of him, isn't it?"

"Straight out of the Roy Fokker handbook," Lisa says sharply then her body immediately floods with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Claudia. That was-"

"-Not entirely inaccurate," Claudia shrugs, a smile around her mouth. "At least I know you were listening that night, despite all that wine. Don't waste any more time, Lisa. You're a strong woman, Be brave - Talk to him at least and see what he has to say. After all the two of you have been through… well, I think you at least owe him that."

Lisa turns her gaze on the pale pink potted plant that had taken centre stage on her dining room table. She had watched the buds bloom over the past few days and she wonders now if it was intentional, if Rick had sent her a whole plant in lieu of cut flowers - something that would endure and grow and bloom rather than wilt and die within a few days.

Something lasting.

Was he trying to tell her something? Could their relationship be like the plant, flourishing beautiful and bright with just the right care and attention? The question hovers inside her before the answer rises up from her core and she realizes that despite everything – she wants to find out.

Claudia was right. She was brave and she was strong… but this time, it would be on her terms. If Rick is serious about a second chance, she wants to see him prove it.

She nods once, her decision made. "Alright then, I'll… I'll talk to him. Then we'll see where that goes."

Claudia laughs. "'Atta girl!"

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