Thank you for the lovely reviews! I hope you're still enjoying this... I'm trying to move this on a little faster now - still a lot more of this story to tell but I also reaaaallly want to dive into some other projects so hopefully I can wrap this up before too much longer.
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We've been kicking these words around too long
Had a feeling we were close to something big
A deep breath under a baseball cap
A one way ticket to a heart attack
"All Loved Up" - Amy Shark
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Lisa lays awake for half the night, cursing herself for falling asleep on the flight back from the mountains and mulling over the sudden shift in her relationship with Rick as she struggles to make sense of it.
She had been hurt by what had felt very much like a rejection and she had been determined to send him on his way so that she could take a moment to lick her wounds in private. But Rick hadn't been run off so easily and at her doorway, he had planted his feet and reminded her he loved her before trudging out in to the night. Those whispered words of affection had settled the initial hurt of his withdrawal but it all still played on her mind.
She tries to tell herself she's relieved Rick put a stop to things before it got too far out of hand. It's too soon for that step, so why rush things? Wasn't it enough that they were together? She had been surprised and embarrassed by her own reaction, the wild way she had clung to him and kissed him even as much as she relished the way he'd responded with equal fervor and heat that washed away any doubts.
She thinks herself around in circles; one moment convinced that Rick's reluctance is born out of still deeply harbored feelings for Minmei, and then the next agreeing with him that there was no need to rush.
She's so frustrated she ends up on Claudia's doorstep with a bottle of wine in hand at a frosty two o'clock in the morning.
"Thanks for letting me come over, Claudia. I even brought some wine to go with my whine."
Claudia laughs and slips her arms around Lisa's shoulders, drawing her inside. "It's a good thing I had the late shift tonight."
Lisa sighs as she settles on the couch. Claudia brings out two glasses in what was becoming a well-practiced exercise. "I'll say. I think I would have gone crazy if I had to stare at my ceiling for even a moment longer."
"What, no Captain Hunter to distract you?" Claudia teases. "I thought you were in the mountains with him today. Don't tell me he stood you up again!"
"No, of course he didn't. Our trip to the mountains was wonderful. It was when we got back that things started to get a little… ah, strange."
"Strange?" Claudia peers at Lisa over her wine glass. "Strange how?"
Lisa realizes too late that she won't be able to tip toe around this with Claudia. Her friend was far too shrewd for that, but Lisa was too embarrassed to tell Claudia the whole story so she tries to keep the details vague, especially when it came to how she was seemingly possessed and suddenly desperate to drag Rick into the bedroom and then he'd reacted like she was going to eat him alive.
Claudia proves to be good at reading between the lines. She listens to every word with rapt attention and Lisa flushes as she trails off. "I'm not sure what came over me, Claudia. Why did I act like that?"
Claudia chuckles and shakes her head. "You're a woman in love, Lisa. There's no shame in that."
Lisa huffs dejectedly and rests her chin in her hands. The wide eyed stricken expression on Rick's face flashes behind her eyes once again. Wouldn't any other man jump at the chance to take a woman to bed, she wonders. Unless it wasn't the right woman…
Her stomach sinks as that thought once again grows too loud to ignore. She takes a gulp of her wine in an attempt to chase away the unease it brings. "I don't know. Could it be that he's having second thoughts? Maybe he's not over Minmei after all."
"I doubt that's it, honey. Maybe he just needs more time."
"I'll tell you one thing… it certainly doesn't do a lot for a girl's confidence."
"Lisa, have you considered that maybe Rick understands you better than you think. Are you ready to take things further with him? The two of you have had a rocky start and it's still only early days. Maybe he's right to want to wait a little longer."
Lisa leans back into the cushions. The wine wasn't making things any clearer but she stares into the rosy liquid as though it holds all the answers anyway. "Perhaps you're right, Claudia. But how do I talk to him about it?"
"Well, that's up to you. Although, if he's anything like Roy, it won't be an easy subject."
"Roy?" Lisa dismisses that with a sloppy wave of her hand. "You told me yourself about his reputation for being a ladies man. Rick isn't like that."
"Don't you remember, Lisa? It was all for show. It was a mask and he showed me who he was without it. But Rick…"
Claudia trails off, and Lisa knows she's waiting for Lisa to come to her own conclusion.
"Rick doesn't wear a mask," Lisa murmurs.
Claudia hums her agreement then reaches to pour herself more wine. She grows quiet as she stares off into the distance. "Sometimes I wonder if I let Roy down by not sticking closer to that flyboy of yours. He needed the guidance but it just hurt too much. I was selfish."
Lisa sits up. "No one could ever accuse you of being selfish, Claudia."
Claudia gives her a tired smile that tells Lisa she doesn't really believe her. "Hm. Maybe Rick and I needed each other more than we knew."
Lisa grows quiet at that. She contemplates another glass but she's worried she's drunk too much already. "He doesn't talk much about Roy. I think it still hurts him too much," Lisa admits softly.
Claudia nods and picks up the framed photo of Roy she always keeps close. "I suppose we all grieve differently. I like to keep Roy near. I still feel him around me. But… it doesn't hurt like it used to. I may even start to date again one day."
Lisa recalls the man she had seen Claudia talking to at the bar. "You're entitled to move on, if you feel you're ready. But there are no rules that say you even have to."
"Is that what you told yourself after Riber?"
Lisa's cheeks heat briefly. In the early hours of the night when there's nothing but the trudge of her thoughts through her weary mind, she had often wondered why it had taken her so long to allow herself to step away from her grief. The truth of it was that it had been a shield, a mantle she wore to keep the threat of a greater pain at bay. It was easier to bury herself in duty and tell herself she was doing it for Riber, rather than run the risk of heartache again.
But then Rick had come barreling into her life and chipped away at her barriers until he had flayed her wide open and didn't even realize the destruction he'd left behind.
"Not for a long time," Lisa confesses. She knows she can be honest with Claudia. They know each other too well to hide behind fake platitudes and empty smiles and Lisa is grateful for it. It's a relief to stand down her defenses for a while, to let her edges become soft. She's not the same person she was on the day the SDF-1 launched.
"I'm glad you've finally allowed yourself to be happy, Lisa."
"Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling so… so guilty about it though. Why do I deserve to be happy when so many others don't?" Lisa stares straight at Claudia, but it's not just her she means. All the loss and pain of the war, so many families shattered. It makes her want to hold onto Rick with both hands and never let go.
"It's the luck of the draw, Lisa. But if it makes you feel any better, you've done your time. Stop looking for reasons why you don't deserve it and look for the reasons why you do."
"You make it sound so simple."
"You love him. He loves you. That's about as simple as it gets."
Claudia takes another sip of her wine and her eye catches something off in the middle distance. Her eternal optimism seems muted tonight and a little voice in the back of Lisa's mind suggests that perhaps it's more than just missing Roy. Lisa regards Claudia carefully. As beautiful as ever but her smile isn't as bright and her gaze is more pensive than usual.
"You seem distracted tonight. What's going on? Since we seem to have exhausted my life woes, let's talk about you."
Claudia smiles tiredly. "Oh, honey, that's a tale that calls for an entirely new bottle of wine and then some."
Lisa peers into her empty glass. "That could be arranged."
Claudia chuckles. "Another time, honey. I'm beat tonight."
Lisa hesitates. She feels awful for monopolizing her friend's time and attention with her own problems but Claudia waves her off. "None of that now, there's plenty of time for that another day."
"Well, if you're sure…"
"Of course I'm sure."
Lisa doesn't want to outstay her welcome so she stands up, relieved when the room doesn't spin too much around her. She collects her coat, dismisses Claudia's offer to call her a cab and steps out into the cool air. It does more to sober her up than anything else.
On the path outside Claudia's quarters, her friend hugs her tight. "Now, will you go get some rest? I'm not covering for you tomorrow if you call in hungover, you know."
"Yes, ma'am," Lisa chuckles. She gives Claudia one last hug then heads off down the street. Funny how a few years ago human contact was almost foreign to her, content with her rule book and nursing a broken heart but then the war happened and she was suddenly surrounded by more love than she could hold in two hands.
But that was the thing about war. There were no promises of tomorrow and it made people desperate to hold onto what they had.
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It's a few days later when Rick wonders – not for the first time that day - what on Earth he had signed himself up for.
He's in Max and Miriya's quarters and there's torn paper all over the floor, a box of nappies tipped over on its side, the contents of an entire dresser strewn through the house… and a delightfully shrill baby shriek every time he tries to scoop up the infant that was currently making his life hell.
"How can such a tiny thing wreak so much destruction in such a small amount of time?" he marvels, finally managing to scoop Dana up into his arms. He gives the babbling baby an assessing look. "It must be from your mother's side, I bet."
Dana responds by snatching up a handful of his hair and yanking… hard. For the first time in Rick's young life, he contemplates breaking fighter pilot tradition and hacking his hair short. His eyes water from Dana's grip strength.
"Ouch! Okay, okay maybe I deserved that but- Ow! Dana!"
He's so preoccupied with trying to dislodge Dana's tiny fist from his hair that he almost doesn't hear the small rap on the bedroom wall. He spins around, coming face to face with Lisa leaning casually against the doorframe, arms crossed over her uniform and a smile twitching the corners of her mouth.
He's never been more pleased to see a friendly face.
"Lisa! Oh, thank god. The cavalry is here."
Lisa lifts an eyebrow. "You look like you could use some help, Captain."
Rick looks at her gratefully just as Dana finally releases his hair. He quickly holds her away far enough so that she can't reach up and grab it again. "You have no idea. I thought this baby sitting thing would be a walk in the park, but so far I feel like going toe to toe with Breetai that one time was easier."
Dana notices Lisa for the first time and holds out her chubby fists towards her. Lisa doesn't hesitate, stepping forward and scooping Dana up into her arms. "Hi Dana," she coos. "What's the big, bad Ricky doing to you, hmm? Isn't it past your bedtime?"
"Ricky?" Rick echoes, perplexed at the surprise nickname and half wondering how he can get Lisa to use it again, but she doesn't pay him any attention. It's clear that in that moment, Rick has been surpassed by the baby.
Dana sticks a thumb in her mouth and sucks and Lisa chuckles. She shuffles Dana to her hip then starts to walk around the room to pick up the mess.
The sight of Lisa holding Dana so effortlessly isn't new to Rick, but somehow he has a different context now. Lisa seems so content, so happy nursing Dana, chattering away with her in baby talk and playing small, simple games as they pick up the mess and Rick finds himself enthralled watching them.
Lisa pulls another silly face, making Dana giggle and then pauses in the process of tidying up to cast him a reproachful look. "The least you could do is help, Rick."
"What? Oh!" He shakes himself out of his daydream and hurries to help. With Dana contained in Lisa's arms and the two of them working together, they make quick work of the mess. It's a simple matter then of tucking Dana into her sleep clothes and settling in on the rocking chair to give her a bottle and read and then she's down for the night.
Rick shuts the door to Dana's bedroom carefully then exhales heavily as he hears the soft click of the door sealing. He turns to find Lisa seated at the dining table, a pile of cards spread out on the surface before her. She must have been playing a game of solitaire while she waited for him to emerge.
"Is she asleep?" Lisa asks in a hushed whisper.
Rick nods. "Yup. Out like a light."
He crosses the room to Lisa's side and bends to brush a light kiss against her temple. He breathes in her familiar perfume, realizing how much he had missed it over the past few days. "Not that I'm unhappy to see you," he says as he carefully pulls out a chair opposite her at the table, "but what are you doing here?"
Lisa gives him a small guilty smile. "Max called me. He seemed to think you might need help."
Rick huffs at that but he's too relieved to be annoyed. He had insisted on babysitting so Max and Miriya could go out for some quality time together. They had all been putting in long hours and when they weren't with Dana, they were both in the cockpits of their veritechs. Max had mentioned only in passing how difficult it was to get time alone with his wife but it had stuck with Rick and he had been determined to help – only he had grossly underestimated how much work it take to get little Dana to bed. After all, it didn't seem too hard when Max did it so Rick assumed he'd had it in the bag.
But then only a few minutes after her parents had left, Dana had battled those big blue-green eyes at him and he'd lost all semblance of control. Maybe he just wasn't cut out to hold his own when women of any age were concerned.
"He knows me too well. I wonder if I should be offended he doubts my baby sitting skills though."
"Maybe doubt is too strong a word for it," Lisa tells him dryly. She starts to gather up the cards but Rick stops her by laying a palm over her hand. He waits until she raises her gaze to his.
"Thanks for coming," he says softly.
"I was happy to," she says with a small smile but then her gaze skitters away as she goes back to the cards. A flicker of unease burrows tightly into his gut when he realizes that the aftershocks of the last time they saw each other were still being felt.
It hasn't been long since their date on the mountain, or since his sudden hesitation afterwards. He'd been meaning to call Lisa, to somehow explain even while telling himself repeatedly he wasn't at all avoiding what could be a very uncomfortable and personal conversation. The way she had kissed him against the door, his subsequent withdrawal and the echo of hurt in her voice at his reluctance had kept him awake far more than it should.
He had wanted to explain and he had every intention to – when they had both had a chance to calm down and cool off, but the Skull had been scrambled to intercept a rogue band of Zentraedi in one of the southern sectors before he'd had a moment to seek her out. It had been a rough mission, and they'd only returned the day before. There was enough time to check in with Lisa as he handed in his report, allowing his hand to linger against hers before turning to stumble home where he had immediately passed out on the couch. He had woken up halfway through the night still in his uniform, utterly ravenous and with a crick in his neck he's not sure will ever leave him.
"It was no trouble. I had nothing planned," she says quietly. She straightens the deck to sharp corners and places the pile in the centre of the table. "And… I was monitoring the patrol. Are you all alright?"
He knows she's not asking about physically. Those sorts of missions always took a toll. No matter how much they all tried to tell themselves the war was over, it wasn't really. Not in the ways that truly mattered.
He's grateful that she asked. Grateful that he can be honest with her, share the burden with her. It occurs to him that if he can be honest about his thoughts on the mission, maybe he can be honest about the reasons for wanting to wait before taking her into his bed too.
He reaches across the table for her hand and threads their fingers together. "I am now. I missed you," he says after a long moment.
She watches him with bright eyes. "I missed you too," she whispers. "It was… it was strange to be so far away and unable to help you." She frowns then shakes her head roughly. "No, that's not right. It's my job to be in the command centre. I mean it was strange because… because I was frightened."
"Frightened?" he says, startled. "But why? I've flown countless missions, why would you be frightened now?"
"Because Rick," she glances away and there's a lace of irritation in her tone, although he senses it's directed more at herself than at him. "For the first time I realised… I'd be lost without you."
"Hey," he exclaims, mildly alarmed. This kind of worry wasn't like Lisa and he wonders if the fracture in their relationship was already growing into something deeper. He gets up from his seat and goes to her side, pulling her up and into his arms. "I came back, didn't I?"
"Oh, I know," Lisa tries to wave him off, but there's a twist to her mouth that tells him she's still upset. "And I've always had a portion of my heart set aside to worry about you, even back on the SDF-1, but somehow, this was different."
Rick is quiet for a moment, taking that in. Lisa has loved him for that long?
Lisa shifts in his arms and Rick realizes she's wiping her eyes. "I'll be alright," she assures him, waving a hand. "It's an adjustment, that's all. I'll be alright."
He doesn't bother with false promises. They're both soldiers, and Lisa of all people knows the risks. Neither of them tries to sugar coat the reality their lives are or the uncertainty the future holds. He casts his mind back to the fledgling thought of Lisa with a baby… one of her own. One of their own.
The image swirls around his mind and settles somewhere deep in his heart.
He kisses her temple as he holds her. Once he had stopped in a field of flowers and wondered why he was still fighting. He'd tried to convince himself that it was for Minmei, to keep her safe but now he thinks of the future… it's not her face he sees.
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Lisa soon forgets her worries about the night of their date in the mountains when they become too busy to spend much time together other than a brief brush of their hands as they pass each other on the base, or a private few words over the scrambled channels of the comm. The incidents of dissatisfied Zentraedi striking out at the human populations seem to be rising and there's been resistance against moving the bulk of them to duties on the SDF-1. Even more, there were rumors of a new break away power trying to establish dominance in the south and Lisa feels like they're all fighting a war on multiple fronts with nothing but flimsy promises and thinly veiled threats.
It's almost a relief when she finds herself pulled from duty on the SDF-2 and assigned to go upside with Admiral Gloval to the factory satellite. They're to meet with Breetai and go over the plans for the future of the planet's defenses. With any luck, they might even come away with some new ideas on just how to better integrate the two races with each other.
It happens quickly and there is just enough time for Rick to seek her out as she stands at the shuttle door.
"Lisa!"
He's running across the tarmac, a blur of white and red in his flight suit as he bounds up the stairs two at a time. She can see by his face he's annoyed but he sweeps her up into his arms and hugs her tight anyway.
"Why do you keep trying to sneak away on me," he complains against her hair. His heart is beating hard under her palms and she allows herself one brief moment to melt into his embrace and hug him back.
"I'm sorry, Rick. It was a last minute assignment. I tried to stall as long as I could."
"No one told me about this. I should be going with you."
She shakes her head. "There's no need, Rick. This isn't a combat mission."
The stubborn set of his jaw tells her that Rick clearly doesn't agree. "It could be. We don't know what might still be lurking out there. You could be in danger!"
"There's been no attacks since the end of the war. Not for years. I'm probably safer on the satellite than I am on the ground when you consider the malcontents. Besides, Breetai will protect me."
Rick makes a sound a little bit like a growl at the back of his throat, his eyes still sparking. For a moment she thinks he's going to fight her on it and her heart sinks. She doesn't want to spend the last few minutes she has earth side arguing with him at the shuttle door and she takes a breath ready to placate him but the fight bleeds out of him as his expression changes and he relents.
"I know," he sighs. He places a gloved hand against her cheek and cups her face. "You're right. It's just that I hate that you're going without me."
She wraps her fingers around his gloved hand and squeezes. "I'll be alright."
He holds her gaze for a moment longer then leans in to press a single, lingering kiss to her forehead. It's tender enough to make her eyes prick. She imagines they must make for a romantic sight, standing at the shuttle corridor door, heads together and hands clasped.
"Just… don't go getting into any trouble without me, alright?" he says when he finally releases her and steps back. "Or I'll have to come and bail you out and I know how much you hate that."
Her mouth quirks in relief that they're not going to part angry with each other. Somehow this moment feels like another brick locking into place in the foundation of their relationship. "Captain Hunter, do I have to remind you of all the times I've gotten into trouble because of you?"
He shakes his head but the familiar affection is back in his gaze. "I don't know what you're talking about, Captain Hayes. You must be confusing me with someone else."
She fights a smile and he takes her hand again. His gaze turns serious and she can sense there's more he wants to say but there isn't the time. The crews on the ground are valiantly trying to get things moving and there's a loud blast from one of the nearby props and then it's time. She has to let him go.
"I'll contact you when I'm on the satellite."
"You'd better," he says. There's a commotion outside and one of the crew on the tarmac yells something into the wind. Rick glances down and then turns back to her with his lips downturned.
"I'll be back soon," she reassures him then she steps back and straightens her shoulders. She snaps off a crisp salute. "Hold down the fort while I'm gone, Captain Hunter."
He gives her a wry grin, but he salutes sharply in response. Lisa takes a moment to drink him in with her eyes. His hair floats against his cheeks as the wind catches it, giving her glimpses of cerulean blue. He lowers his arm, his eyes soft and then he spins on his heel and hurries down the gangway.
Lisa watches him go as a uniformed woman approaches her, one of the shuttle crew. "Captain Hayes, please take your seat. We're approaching our launch window."
Lisa takes her last lungful of fresh air for a little while. "Yes, of course."
Lisa ducks into the cabin where Admiral Gloval is already waiting for her. He's got his familiar pipe in his hands and his command cap pulled low over his eyes.
"It's about time," he states gruffly as she takes her seat and secures her harness. She flushes, knowing his curt tones well enough now to know he's not really annoyed. She's embarrassed regardless.
"Yes, sir. I apologize, sir."
His lips curve behind his pipe, not quite a smile but as close as he gets. "No need to apologize. I am pleased to see you and Captain Hunter have finally worked things out, although it may force me to reassess some plans in the future."
"Plans, sir?"
"Hm. Never mind. But we will endeavor to get you back to your captain as quickly as possible, hmm?"
"Oh," she blushes, not entirely sure how to respond to that. "Uh, thank you, sir."
She turns to the window at her side and peers out, unsurprised to see Rick's familiar shape in the distance. She doesn't expect him to see it but she raises a hand to the window as the shuttle prepares to launch anyway.
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AN: (Lisa saying she's lost without Rick comes from The Sentinels - I always liked that little moment and wanted to include it here.)