Hi, everyone!
We're back to the bi-weekly chapter. We love reading your comments and watching all the theories you have, they always amaze us. We know you'll like what's to come in this chapter and can't wait to hear what you think about it. Please let us know! Now, let's get on with the chapter :)

Playlist!

Into Dust - Mazzy Star
Look inside yourself - Edvard Kravchuk
Lost - Annelie
Gone - Hablot Brown
Thinking about you - Big Scary
New Light - Justice Der
Redbone - Sean Angus Watson
Blanket - Hayne, Frad
The Breach - Dustin Tebbut

After another week without going outside, Anne was going crazy. She craved human interaction and nature, longing for the trail Gilbert had recommended not far from the apartment. Gilbert had a call with their common friends and she just stayed in the bedroom. If anything, she wanted to avoid any kind of noise: enough with Bash and Mary knowing about this weird arrangement. They didn't need anyone else knowing anything about them. And after that incident she had decided to stay in his bedroom and hadn't seen him in days, not coming out even for breakfast.

She took out her computer and started writing. Then erased the whole thing. Then started again. Erase. She wrote to Kak'wet. Caught up with Muriel over the phone, but felt there was no real purpose for the call. Then decided to call Cole, because it was early, she could speak freely and Gilbert wouldn't be back for hours, if she had memorized his schedule by now.

"What's up, Nan?" he answered.

"I'm going mental, Cole. I need to speak with someone," she said as she sat down on the sofa, grabbing a throw.

"You do know you're living with someone, right?"

"We're not exactly on speaking terms"

"Still? You've been there almost a month. Time to get it out. I'm pretty sure he must be going crazy as well"

"He gets to go out and interact with more people. He's a doctor, remember? Essential worker. Savior of lives. Allowed to go outside. He just looks so fucked up right now, like huge bags under his eyes. Did you know he gets about the hottest stubble over the day and then shaves the whole thing off every morning. Only to imagine him shaving it gives me goosebumps. Grows nice, too."

"Anne, of course I know. It's you the one who hasn't seen him in ten years, we meet every time I go to Toronto. And that's not what I meant and you know that."

"Right," she looked out of the window, ignoring the implications from her friend's comment. Cole stayed silent as well. "I just don't know how to speak to him, Cole," she admitted. "I see him and I can understand he's still the same Gilbert I had all those years. But I can't…" she choked, a lump in her throat and tears pooling in her eyes. Not being able to move certainly got you emotional.

"Don't you think it will get easier once you talk things through with him?"

She tried breathing deeply to calm her nerves.

"There's nothing to talk about. What's done is done and it has been for years," she said after a moment, an even voice even when she felt tears coming down her cheeks. "I don't think I can ever trust him again, Cole. I'm too scared for it."

"Nan, you just have to trust yourself. And communicate," she didn't answer anything. "May I suggest something? I know for a fact you haven't allowed yourself to even thinkabout high school all these years" She made a noise. "I think it would help you heal and feel better if you came to terms with that. It was an important part of your life and ignoring it hasn't helped and will not help. Then you can move on. Then you can get to know adult Gilbert and see him as he really is and not a ghost that forces you to remember."

"It just hurts, Cole. It hurts so damn much to think about..." she answered, now resigned to cry.

"I know, Nana. It hurts because you have just bottled that up for years. It's time to face those things. Start small. I know Gilbert has our old yearbook around. Why don't you start with that? Just look at the pictures. Remember who you were. Maybe talk to him about a memory."

"I can't talk to him about my highschool memories. I was a fool then. He's in all of them and knows how ridiculous I was."

"He participated in all of them, darling. Just try that. Maybe don't talk to him yet, but at least watch the pictures. Acknowledgeit happened. Cry if you must, but don't keep repressing the memories. Cherish them. They are good, Nan. We were happy." Anne got up and went to the library, slowly taking out the outdated book. Looking at the cover tentatively. "Talk to me later? I have to go now, but write to me. I'm honestly concerned about you."

When Gilbert came back from the hospital he was surprised to see that Anne was not in his room, door closed, as all the other days. She was on the sofa, lying down, sound asleep. Very puffy, red eyes, the ends of her hoodie's sleeve still wet. Their yearbook on the other corner of the L-shaped sofa, next to her head. He went quietly to wash his hands and change his clothes, putting the dirty ones directly on the washer before having a quick shower and then came back to the kitchen. He turned on the kettle and prepared some tea. He now understood Cole's message. Take care of her tonight, will you?

He sighed.

He was tired of tiptoeing around her. He wanted nothing more than to be able to share things with her if they were going to live together for any number of weeks. The only thing was, he didn't know how to do so when all she cared about was ignoring him but cooking for him daily.

**Gilbert Blythe (18:12): Care to explain what happened?

He saw the tiny three points for what seemed like an eternity, as Cole either wrote a novel or wrote and erased repeatedly a message.

**Cole (18:16): She called me in the afternoon. She's not doing so well with the whole living arrangements.

**Gilbert Blythe (18:16): You don't say. I just wish she would let me in, Cole. I have no idea how to prove to her that I'm not the git I was at 19.

**Cole (18:17): That's the thing. Look. I won't tell you what I spoke with her. That's between her and me and I won't breach that trust. But I will tell you this: a bit of communication never killed anyone. Let me know how it goes. I'm worried about her.

He sighed. They did need to speak, at some point. Carrying on like this was not an option. Not if it ended with Anne crying herself to sleep. He grabbed the two cups and went back to the living room. He left the cups in the coffee table, as well as the yearbook and took its place, next to Anne's sleeping head. He was unsure about waking her, but she would spend a horrible night if she carried on sleeping. He put his hand on her shoulder, delicately, and caressed her with his thumb.

"Anne," he said quietly. She furrowed and took her hands to her face, rubbing her eyes. He gently pushed the hands away. "Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself" She looked at him, confused. "Here, I brought you some tea. Chamomile" She sat up slowly, receiving the cup and taking her other hand to her head. She didn't say anything. "I'll bring you something for your headache, ok?"

"Thanks."

He went to the kitchen and looked for a tylenol and a glass of water. When he got back, Anne was sipping her cup, knees to her chest. She did look terrible. He wasn't sure if talking now was a great idea, but he also didn't want to postpone it any longer, if it meant having her like that. He passed her the pill and the water and held her mug for a moment, sitting next to her.

"Anne, we need to talk," he finally said and felt as she tensed up next to him.

"There's nothing to talk about, Gilbert."

"There is. You know it and I know it. We never had the chance when everything happened and I think we both have been carrying it for longer than needed." Anne didn't bother to deny that at first.

"You seem to have gone through it by now," she finally said. He looked at her. She was looking intently at the floor.

"I haven't Anne. Yes, I've carried on with life. I studied and I work now in what I wanted and I have friends and… I just can't get over not having you in my life," he admitted, his voice very low. He would try to go by Cole's words. Communication. And if he was going to communicate, he was going to be honest. She huffed.

"You seem to fare fairly well, Gilbert. Everything you have around here… It doesn't hurt you? To have all this around you? You have to be over it to..." she motioned to the general space. And he knew what she meant. It was impossible to point to more than three things that weren't related in some way to her or Avonlea.

"No, Anne. It does. But those are the last things I have from when I was truly happy, and I choose to have them around so I don't forget," he explained, looking at her. "I can't pretend you didn't exist when you are one of the most important people in my life."

"You seemed truly happy with Winifred back then," she whispered, her eyes still locked on the floor. He sighed. Would they ever be able to go past that?

"Anne. I told you then. I'm telling you now. I would never be with her over you. You are the first choice for me. The only choice," he said, looking at her.

"Yeah, right," was her sarcastic answer. He sighed.

"I know I was a git, Carrots."

"Don't call me that, Gilbert. Don't you ever call me Carrots again" she said, the pain so evident in her voice that made a knot appear in his throat. It wasn't even anger, as she had when he started calling her that in sixth grade. It was pure hurt. He took a deep breath to calm himself as he saw her eyes go watery again.

"Anne... Please. Believe me when I say that not one day goes by when I don't regret everything I did that june. I would do it all over again just to make the right choices. Please. We are stuck together now, at least for a bit. Can we…" she looked at him, her eyes full of tears again, threatening to just pour down.

"There's not a we, Gilbert. There never was. You made your choice back then, stick with it," she answered, fidgeting with her hoodie's sleeves. He felt his eyes well up.

"I don't want to stick with it, Anne. I never wanted to, because it wasn't even a choice I made. I was fucking drunk! I honestly believed you when you told me there was absolutely no way for us to be together. I was stupid and I believed it, the choice you made for us. And I tried to settle for the next best fucking thing, under your instructions, and I have been torturing myself over that since that time. The only thing I've ever wanted is to be with you," he ranted, a tear coming down, his jaw clenched as hard as he could so he wouldn't end up yelling because that would simply not do. He was finally able to tell her what he had tried so many times after the bonfire. Only this time she couldn't hang up. She couldn't turn. She couldn't even tear a paper as she had done with the letter he wrote to her.

"I can't trust you, Gilbert. Not anymore. You were the one person that was supposed to be there for me after Matthew's death. When we lost Green Gables and then when Marilla was so sick she couldn't get up. You promised you would never leave me and you would be there for me always, but you never were when I needed you the most. And every horrible situation just hurt even more because of your absence, and meanwhile you ran off with her at the first opportunity, just because you asked me something when I was with more drinks inside than I remember. I don't even know whatyou asked nor whatI answered that made you think I was telling you to run off to her. I don't remember most of that night," she finally answered, the hurt she was feeling all too evident by the sarcastic tone she was using. She swallowed a couple of times, trying to reign herself, but it was evidently a lost cause and she didn't want to crumble in front of Gilbert. Leaving the mug on the table, she went to his room. She closed the door quietly and he heard her cry, same as he didn't hold the tears as he cursed in the living room when she left him there. He knew back then he should have been with her. He had wanted to, but it had been impossible at the time. He found the strength to go over his door and knocked. She ignored him and he sat down next to it, defeated.

"I still want to talk to you, Anne," he said over the wood. "I know I won't have your trust today. I can understand that. I'm not even asking for it. I just want the opportunity to try to earn it. To be able to care for you, support you. I'm more me when you are around. You make me a better person. I miss you so much it hurts, because you were so much more than my best friend. You were my world when dad passed away. You still are, in a way" he played with his ring.

He had bought it years ago just to keep everyone from asking if he was in a relationship. He had tried to go out while in university. He had slept around. Had a couple of girlfriends. Honestly, he gave his best effort. He had done his best to forget her, but then he had resigned himself and decided to just put a stop to it. Charlie had joked that it was like he had mentally committed and married her without her even realizing it and he had thought the idea more true than he cared to admit. So he went and bought an inexpensive, but real enough tungsten wedding band. It had worked, for the most part. No woman ever asked him out again. He just avoided any question regarding his personal life and his schoolmates, after forcing an explanation out of him, seemed sadder than anything else and never again commented on it.

"I don't want things to go back the way they were. That is, I'm afraid, impossible. I fucked up too much for it to be an option. But I want to get to know you, Anne. The Anne that I don't know and is already 27. I want to be able to earn your trust again. To be your friend," he pleaded, as her sobs slowly subsided. When Diana had called him, she had warned him of how Anne was skeptical. How she would not be glad to go to his house. How she would possibly be very hostile at the beginning. But also, she had told him that maybe there was a chance, if he didn't mess up again. "Please. Let me try, at least for the weeks you are staying here. I can't… I can't make up for everything I did and for the pain I caused you, and that hurts me. But I can be here with you now and help you in any way I can. Anne… When you can travel to PEI, you can go and never speak to me again if that's what you decide. But let me at least try until then. Please. Let me try and show you," he knew that by this point he was begging, but he couldn't bring himself to feel any shame for it. He rested his head on the door and closed his eyes as he pinched his nose, trying to stop a new onset of tears from coming down. He felt like all his life was coming down at this moment and whatever answer the woman on the other side of the door might give him.

Anne thought for a moment. Worst case scenario… was feeling like she had since she was seventeen. She was used by now to the dull pain. It would be harder in the beginning. But it would be familiar. But what if… what if she could have him in her life again? At arm's length, yes, because she would never allow herself again to even thinkabout him in any romantic way, but… A bit of Gilbert was better than no Gilbert at all. She remembered the hollow she felt inside. So constant she believed it was already a part of her. Not even dating had helped cover the hole. Even if by what Diana and Cole had told her, the relationships she'd had could have never done so, so dysfunctional they were.

"Ok," Anne answered after a while. A voice so quiet, so distant, Gilbert thought he had imagined it. "We can try, Gilbert. Until I go home." He sighed. Cautious optimism for the first time.

"Come out then, Anne. Please," Gilbert asked, gently. "There's no sense in locking yourself there," he added. He almost fell when she opened the door, but quickly recovered and got up. He wanted to hug her so badly, but knew for a fact that she would reject him and then they would be back to square one. It had taken many months when she first arrived at school, scared of everyone and very defensive, for her to accept any kind of physical comfort. Anne looked at him. She longed for some kind of human contact, and had half hoped he would hug her… but there again, she didn't want to have him so close. Not yet. Not for the foreseeable future.

"I made soup for dinner," she commented shyly, her eyes still on the floor, her voice almost inaudible. "Potato and kale with coconut milk. Want some?"

"Sounds delicious. Here's a proposal. Go and have a hot shower. It'll help with the stuffiness in your nose and ease your headache. I'll warm up the soup and then we can watch a movie or something," Gilbert answered, trying to smile encouragingly.

**Gilbert Blythe (21:12): Everything better, Cole. We talked. She seems better. Maybe this thing is on the mend?

After that, they managed to find a new normal. She was no longer actively avoiding him. They talked a bit during breakfast, exchanging comments on what they were reading at the moment (he kept up with the news, she spoke about the anthology she was reading). She heard him vent about his day and how worried he was about any more of his patients catching Covid when he came back and she had dinner ready. He heard as she complained of the lockdown, unable to do anything. He knew she would get a fine if caught outside.

"Ok, so. Please don't kill me for what I'm about to say, Anne" Gilbert tried one day. He had looked for some private insurance for her as best as he could, but Anne had refused to pay for it. Then she had refused for him to pay for it, and he couldn't exactly do it on her back. There weren't many options and to marry Anne, as Fred had cheekily suggested so he could pass on the health benefits he had, was completely out of the question. She looked at him. "I know you don't want to buy private insurance. But the cases continue to go up and I can't have you uncovered and you've been here over a month. So, here's my proposal: change your address in your bank account and put this one in. Sign up for paper statements. As soon as one arrives, I take you to Service Ontario and we get that sorted out. Please."

"That would mean I'm living with you," Anne said, very, very uncomfortable. Gilbert raised an eyebrow.

"How exactly would you call this, then?" she looked at the noodles. She had made ramen that night and they were having dinner.

"Someone being kind and me crashing until everything goes back to normal?" she tried, but she knew better. Somehow, she had ended up living with Gilbert Blythe.

"Yeah, keep telling that to yourself" Gilbert chuckled, deciding not to press the issue and feeling more relaxed than he had in… years. Pandemic or not, for the first time since he remembered he looked forward to going back home after the shift. He was not on the frontline, at least not yet, and tried his best to keep the oncologic ward as separated from the ER and the ICU where the covid patients were. His patients were still more or less safe. He was picking up shifts of fellow doctors that couldn't avoid the frontline so they didn't worry about their other patients. He was working as hard, and probably more than ever (if that was even possible), but he felt better. Turned out having a home mattered.

"Ok, Gilbert. I'll check the bank statement. Wasn't there a waiting period, though?"

"No, not anymore. They lifted it so they could cover stranded people like yourself. You know, the ones who say don't live here but absolutely do?" Anne laughed. "When you go back to PEI you change it again, no harm done. But I would feel better if I knew you had coverage. I know you don't go out, but you are living here and I'm at high risk just by going to the hospital every day. I tried to pass you the benefits from the insurance I have at work, but apparently there's no way."

"Of course not. That's only for married people," she answered as if it was obvious. Then she looked away, uncomfortable, and got up quickly. "I'll wash the dishes." She absolutely had not wanted to insinuate anything. He didn't say anything, lost in his thoughts, watching her walk to the kitchen.

"By the way, my schedule changes next week again. I'm back to early mornings," Gilbert commented after a moment, as he got up and helped organize the kitchen.

"Ok. So, I'll wait for you to have lunch," she answered. They moved easily together around the small space. Better than what each would admit to Diana and Cole, who every couple of days sent messages just to check if they were still alive. Life on the island seemed normal enough after having done exactly what Gilbert had insinuated when she arrived: they had locked every border and were now one of the provinces with fewer cases. They weren't even on lock down and Anne kept admonishing herself for the stopover in Toronto.

**Anne S-C (20:36): I may or may not have insinuated something about marriage to G. 😖

**Cole (20:36): Care to explain? 😳

**Anne S-C (20:37): No. Just wanted to take that off my head.

** Cole (20:37): Ok. Just take care ok?

The quarantine seemed to drag on forever, but maybe it had been just two weeks. Or four. Or one. Anne read a lot. Managed to advance some of the writing and prepared to send the first few stories to Kak'wet, so she could share and give her any feedback. Watched tv. Looked for a job (there were no openings in the dystopian reality they now lived in). Gilbert sent her job postings for the Hamilton area whenever he saw them, hinting not at all subtly that he hoped she would consider staying.

From: anne_shirleycuthbert

To: kakwet1990

Subject: Updateeee

My kindred spirit!

As always, I'm just overwhelmingly happy to be able to bounce ideas with you. Our brainstorming sessions always leave me more inspired than anything else, but the actual writing is a bit of a mess.

Writing has been harder than I expected with the lockdown. It's as if having all the time in the world actually gave you mental paralysis and nothing gets done. Ever. The most horribly improductive I've felt since I started college, and you know that's saying something. It's just… Hard. I try to clean. The dishes multiply themselves and I'm not a sorcerer's apprentice to make them wash themselves.

Bright point is, I suppose, that I'm kind of in speaking terms with Gilbert again. I'm not really sure. I mean, we are talking, and he is being friendly, and I am slightly more relaxed around him… But I'm still a bit wary. I just can't stomach the idea of trusting him as I did before. Some days it's easy, other days I can't ignore that he wasn't there when Matthew and Marilla died. Or Winifred.

Anyway. I will let you know about the latest developments with him. If there's anything newsworthy, anyway. I'm mainly concerned. And absolutely confused, as you guessed the other day.

I'm attaching a word document with the draft for the first couple of stories. Tell me what you think, and if we should make any adjustments before you pass them on to your community? I want their honest feedback, of course, but I also want to give them something worthy of feedback, if you know what I mean.

I love you, dear one.

Melkita'ulamun

**Gil (13:40): Don't kill me for suggesting this, but maybe you might be interested?

He had written the first time he sent her a link. She had opened it without thinking. She wasn't exactly a match for the position, but it was kind of nice for him to send her something. Then she saw where it was.

**Anne S-C (13:42): That's in Hamilton, Gilbert 😑

**Gil (13:43): I am aware. Hence the "don't kill me" Just saying… You could consider staying around here.

She didn't answer, but applied and didn't comment anything when he sent her more vacancies in the area. Not many, because there weren'tmany. But she did apply (no one called). What did she have in PEI, other than her friends? She had lived in BC for years, completely alone. Well, except when she had dated Daniel, and looking back, that hadn't been a particularly happy experience. She could do the same here. She just needed a job. It wasn't like she could pretend anymore; she was living with Gilbert Blythe.

Sighing, she decided to get some outside perspective. If you could call it that way. She looked in her phone and tried calling Mary (wrong number, she must have changed it) and Bash (wrong again) before giving up.

**Anne S-C (15:38): Hi…. do you think you could send me Bash's and Mary's contacts? Somehow, I have an old number…

**Gil (15:42): Sure thing. Anything I can help with?

**Anne S-C (15:42): Thanks. I just want to call and say hi. It's long overdue.

**Gil (15:43): They'll be so happy 🙂 They keep asking about you. See you tonight, I'm a bit busy.

**Gil (15:43): [Attached contacts]

She tried the new number and Bash picked up almost instantaneously.

"Queen Anne! The best surprise, how's my favorite redhead doing?"

"I'm… doing fine, all things considered. As Gilbert keeps pointing out, I do have a roof and food, so…"

"That you do. And I know he is so glad. So, tell me, to what do I owe this honor?"

"I… I just wanted to apologize. For disappearing, you know? I know it's been a long time… God, I didn't even know you were now in Montreal or had a daughter and then I had your old number…"

"Don't worry about that, Anne. We all know it's been difficult. Important thing is now you're back in our lives, I hope to stay?"

"Absolutely. I'm back. I think. Not going back to BC, anyway. I just have to get a job somewhere and figure out how to carry on."

"What happened? I mean, why were you on your way to PEI?"

"I… it's embarrassing, but I lost my temper with the school principal and told her all that was wrong with the school. In assembly. With very flowery words, in front of all the kids. And teachers. I mean, I actually hated the job, so it's not really so much of a loss… And it was the only thing keeping me there. So now I was thinking of going back home. Or where I think home is."

"Haven't you considered other places?" Anne remembered Gilbert's links with Hamilton job offerings.

"I… I don't know, to be honest. I think it's more the… idea that PEI is home than anything else. So, if you have something in Montreal for a liberal teacher with a bad reference let me know. I'm not sure I actually have a place to call home anymore, without Marilla or Green Gables," she admitted. She heard Bash sight.

"You know you can always establish a new home, right Queen Anne? You can even start off some of the foundations you already have."

"That's why I thought of PEI"

"I'm not talking about land, girl! I'm talking about your history! Think about it, ok? Home is where the heart is. So, what are your plans for work now? Do you want to go back to teaching?"

"Well… Not so much that I want to, but it's the thing where I can get a job, so I guess I will. When schools open," she commented. The prospect was zero motivating.

"I asked about what you want, Anne. Not what you feel you have to do. Two distinct things, darling."

"What, you're asking about what I would dream? Ha! So not happening, Bash. I stopped having any illusions regarding that years ago."

"Humor me?"

"Maybe... I would do a Waldorf teaching certification, and write. I have a project with a friend to relieve some First Nations stories and give the proceeds to kids out of the foster care system, and I've always played around with a fairy tale series but never got around to write it. Happy?" she said, exasperated. It was not happening and it was not worth entertaining the idea.

"Ok. Then I'm going to channel the dad role Delly is teaching me how to do. You want a certification and to write? Just focus on that, then, Queen Anne. Not on anything else. You can't go outside? Then write. You want that certification? Actively save for it and make it a goal. And then help me convince Mary Waldorf is the way to go and not Montessori. I don't know what kind of arrangement you have with Gilbert right now, but if he is still the man I helped raise he won't charge you much for rent and you can save these months and use that for your studies. Don't give up on your dreams, Anne."

"It's… It's just hard, Bash. Nothing is quite like I imagined when I was seventeen and I haven't… Since Marilla's and Matthew's deaths, I haven't been able to focus much," she confessed. She knew what she wanted to do, but lacked motivation and focus. After losing Gilbert, then Matthew, then Green Gables and finally Marilla in the span of five or six years, she hadn't been able to recover completely.

"You have us, Queen Anne. If all else fails, you have Mary and me. Remember that. I have a meeting in a few minutes, but call me whenever you need anything, ok? Even if just to chat."

"Will do, Bash. Thanks. For everything."

"Not a problem, girl. We love you. Tell that git you live with to call me when he gets a chance. Bye bye"

"Ok. Bye now," she hung up and went to lie down, ideas forming on her head. Bash had a point, as always, and she had much to think.

So... how was that?
This past week has been hard in covid terms... We hope everyone is safe and taking care (make Gilbert proud!).
We'll be back next Wednesday, enjoy your weekend!