Hey! So... new chapter today! so... here's the music. If you want to check out the last songs from their road trip and then the ones for the rest of the chapter... It's a really good playlist: open .dot. spotify .dot playlist/0fVzyulMwYWwVRipdTK7Ls?si=NaRBHHLJTwm-gW45An8v3w
Chapter 30
Soon they were in the car, the fabric tote on the back seat, and they were on the way again, still some two hours of road ahead. Anne connected her phone again and they were on their way. After a while, among the eclectic selection, Kung Fu Fighting started playing, eliciting a laugh from Gilbert.
"Now that's when I knew your aggressive tendencies went beyond slate smashing," he commented, shaking his head, remembering when they had seen Karate Kid at John's insistence and Anne had somehow felt the need to answer with a kick to something he had said. And he had been too slow to stop her leg, of course, gaining the mockery of both his father and Anne for weeks. Anne laughed as well.
"I was inspired by the movie! I'm not really aggressive!"
"Keep telling that to yourself, Carrots," he chuckled. "I know the truth."
"I'm not!"
"Then it's only against me? Should I get worried?" Gilbert asked, smiling.
"It's only that you tease so much, Slateface! So much!" she said, laughing. "You elicit things in me that are not seen with other people!" she said without thinking. Gilbert laughed and then looked at her blushing face.
"Do tell?" he asked, curious and teasing at the same time.
"Well, hitting, of course!" he laughed even harder at how uncomfortable she was. For nothing. It's not like she was still in denial and they weren't together.
"And what else only I elicit in you, Carrots?" he insisted playfully.
"Well, nothing!" she said, blushing even harder, thinking about the moments they had spent together over the long weekend before invariably being interrupted.
"I'm not buying it. Your face says otherwise," he said, turning slightly to wink at her.
"Urgh! You're insufferable Gilbert Blythe!"
"Ho ho, we're to full names now, Carrots?" he teased and she just growled. He grabbed her hand and squeezed. "There's nothing wrong with it, you know? It's not like it doesn't go both ways." She mumbled something under her breath and he chuckled again. "You know how adorable you look when you're annoyed and embarrassed for no reason?"
"Shut up," she mumbled as the song changed to I won't give up .
"That's a nice version," Gilbert commented after a moment. "I'm so used to the Jason Mraz one, who are these?"
"The Macarons Project," she commented.
"Have I told you of when I realized I was gone far too deep for you?" Gilbert asked softly as the song continued. Anne looked at him, all wide eyes and frown.
"What? No…"
"Remember Christmas 2008?" Gilbert asked as he changed to the high speed lane. They were already crossing Scarborough and there was roughly one hour left of travelling, unless they found something unexpected on the highway.
"You have to be kidding, Gil. There's no way you can go that far back."
"There is. Why else do you think the teasing from dad and Bash was so relentless? I already told you about the Here Comes the Sun thing. They had to have somewhere to drag from," he countered.
"But that's… that's…"
"A while ago. I know, Anne-girl," he commented. "Anyway. We got to your house... Dad was already pretty weak, so I helped Bash with the wheelchair and all and at first I didn't pay much attention. But then Marilla called you and you came down the stairs. You had this short pixie and I'm sure you went to trim it or something because it looked just different. And I was already very attracted to you, that… that wasn't new," he said, not taking his eyes off the road. Anne couldn't take hers off him. "Anyway, suddenly you were greeting dad, and it just hit me. There was no way this was a crush. I'd had crushes over the years. Not many, but enough so that in that moment I suddenly knew that this was different. This was not just attraction, or a fancy, or… any of that. This was going way deeper and was way more difficult to process. Bash had to nudge me to make me react before you turned," he chuckled. "I was just that stunned. Of course he put two and two together and I never lived it down…"
Anne's mouth was slightly open, remembering the moment as if it had happened the night before. How John was looking very frail after having been released from the hospital just some weeks before. How they all tried to make that day extra special at the Cuthbert house, because they knew it was going to be Gilbert's last Christmas with his father. How she had gone to the hairdresser in the morning in an attempt to make anything so her hair had some sense and then had worn a pale blue vintage dress Matthew had gifted her and Marilla had frowned upon because it was "too much" (dear Marilla, everything was too much for her).
Gilbert made to take her hand and she grabbed his, willingly.
"So then you greeted me and I was just this… moke, as Bash would say. You were so, so pretty that night you have no idea. I just couldn't help myself…"
"And you caressed my cheek," Anne whispered. He looked at her for a second, fondly.
"I did. I was trying to hold back. To not kiss you right then and there. So… that's all I could do."
"It was the first time I felt pretty," Anne whispered, admitting something to him she had taken weeks at the time to come to terms with.
"I hope you feel that every day, Anne-girl. You're not only pretty. You're unique," he established. "So after that, of course, I spent the following year and a half pinning after you, completely convinced of how you would never even like me, and then completely fucking up," Anne huffed.
"Had you been any more direct… We would have saved so much pain," she commented in a quiet voice.
"The important thing is we managed to overcome it and we're together now. And I'm all for the present, you know?" he said, thinking of how and if to proceed with the line he had in mind. The idea had been turning in his head for some time now, and he wanted to be direct about his intentions with Anne. But he felt somewhat off about her attitude towards their relationship. And what was worse, he actually thought it had more to do with her insecurities than with her feelings for him. He sighed.
"You ok?" Anne asked him, slightly worried at how his eyebrows were now knit together.
"Yes, just thinking, Anne-girl," he said softly, holding her hand and giving her a small kiss on the knuckles. She smiled.
"I'm so incredibly happy to be with you," she said, her voice a whisper, almost as if she was talking to herself.
"Is that so? Please share," he answered, smiling and looking briefly at her. Anne looked him in the eyes, the soft expression he had. So familiar to her, somewhere she could always come back to.
"I just never thought it would happen, you know? And somehow, after all this time… it did. It's a birthday wish come true."
"A birthday wish?" he asked, confused. Because Anne couldn't have possibly wished for him.
"The kind where you blow out the candles? I did wish for it, at some point," she mumbled, blushing and looking out the window. Gilbert felt his heart clench inside him.
"You actually did that? What was the wish?" he asked, curious.
"Well, I just said so, didn't I? I just wanted you to notice me. Not as your friend, but…" she chuckled at the memory. She had prepared her wish in advance, the perfect wording not to make it wrong because she didn't want to tempt fate. She still remembered most of it. Gilbert looked at her quickly before turning his eyes back to the road, urging her to continue, and she recited as if it was something learnt by heart, "as an equal and partner, as a life-mate."
"Anne-girl…" he managed to say in his astonishment of her well-chosen words, looking for an excuse not to get off the highway just to kiss her.
"It was silly, I'm sure. I haven't really made birthday wishes since, because it seemed to make everything go backwards… But the sentiment of accomplished birthday-wish still stands now."
"Don't say that, please? I mean, resume the birthday wishes…" he stammered. She looked at him and he cleared his throat. "If you still wish for it… I would like it very much, to be all of it" he said in a soft, loving voice, squeezing her hand a bit more. She looked at him, at a loss of what to say, and he felt the resolve he had been looking for come to him. "Anne… There's something I've been meaning to talk about with you."
"What? Old birthday wishes as well?" she asked, trying to alleviate what she felt was becoming a tad too charged of a situation. Gilbert chuckled.
"Kind of? I don't actually recall my birthday wishes, so I can't know for sure," he answered. He sighed. This shouldn't be hard to talk about. "Look, I know you've stayed at my place while Covid lets you go back to PEI. It's probably against the oath I took by becoming a doctor, but I'm grateful for this virus for bringing us together. I honestly think it wouldn't have happened otherwise," she didn't say anything, because there wasn't much to say. What he thought about whatever oath he took, she had no say, but she did agree on them probably not having a better way of getting together. "And while I know you have been looking for jobs all over the place… I wanted to propose to you that you didn't."
"You don't want me to get a job?" she did interrupt him there. That was preposterous!
"I do, Anne-girl. If you wish so. Please, allow me to finish? I'm actually getting somewhere," he said.
His voice was still as soft as Anne always remembered it. The quintessential Gilbert Glythe's voice in her head. Because it was the exact tone that had haunted her teen years, before they were even friends, when he would speak at her with it and she would become mush and therefore hate him even more. It was as enthralling as it had been some fifteen years ago. She nodded, but bit her lips, uneasy, unsure about where he could be heading. Every path seemed to give her a bad feeling on her stomach.
"I wanted to propose that you didn't keep up with your search everywhere… But that you instead focused it around Hamilton. There would be nothing that I would love more in this moment than for you to feel that my apartment is also your home, and not some temporary place to crash for a few months," he said, doing his best to think about every word carefully. He wanted to tell her about Yang's opportunity as well, but preferred to go step by step. "I would very much like to share my life with you as my life-mate, as you said, if you would…"
"Gilbert Blythe please tell me you're not telling me to move in with you," Anne interrupted him. Because she couldn't fathom that idea. It didn't make any sense. They've been going out for... she had no idea how long, but so very little time it wasn't of great consequence yet in their lives, and she wanted to be with him more than anything but she desperately needed to find her home first and she had no idea if that meant PEI or Montreal or Hamilton or even Kelowna. Her mind was going non-stop.
"Anne Shirley-Cuthbert that is just what I'm proposing," he replied, with an even tone, trying not to think too much of what her interruption meant. "You're already living there, Carrots. The only thing I'm proposing is for you to stop looking for ways to move out, and just stay home. With me. Our home."
"Gilbert, we can't move in together," she insisted. He looked at her quickly, before putting his eyes back on the road, his eyebrows furrowed, a little bit taken aback by her reaction.
"Anne, we already live together . There's not "moving in" to do. I'm just trying for both of us to acknowledge that fact and for you not to keep looking for a way out," he insisted, still calm.
"No, I'm just staying at your place for a while until this thing clears and I can get a place and a job somewhere," she insisted, stubborn. Because it was what she was doing. She was doing that and trying to plant some roots, to find a place to call home. And even if she wanted to be with Gilbert more than anything, she still needed to have a home, to have a house, to… He laughed sadly.
"Really, Carrots?" he asked after a moment of silence, when it was evident she was not going to elaborate or say anything else. "So you're just crashing in my place and that's it?" Anne looked at him. "What would you call this, then, may I ask?"
"What would I call what?" she asked, still thinking of Avonlea's quiet streets. Home. Maybe?
"This thing. In general. Between us. If you're just crashing at my place, what do you call this thing between us?"
"What thing? This is not a thing , Gilbert. This is you and me, being a couple," she answered, because it was so obvious. "You're my boyfriend… right?" she asked, because that's what she honestly thought. Was she somehow wrong? Hadn't they talked about that some weeks before? Hadn't he confirmed it to Ruby, of all people, the night before?
"I am, Anne-girl. I am," he confirmed. "Just like you are my girlfriend, I hope?" he actually felt the need to ask.
"Gil, I think it's established. It goes both ways. Reciprocal," she answered, giving him a small caress on the leg, but still biting her lip. He shook his head slightly, confused, her attitude from the past few days on the back of his mind.
"So, we're a couple. Girlfriend and boyfriend, as you say," he said, sighing, his eyes squarely on the road. "Anne… I'm not actually sure of how to phrase this, because… These past weeks have been some of the happiest of my life. But us being a couple is something you actually want?" He wasn't even going to bring out his teaching opportunity now. Not until they solved this, at the very least.
"What?! Are you joking, Gilbert?" she turned and looked at him, livid.
"I can assure you I am not. I think it's a legit question. Anne, are you sure you want to be my girlfriend?"
"Gilbert, didn't I tell you like ten minutes ago about my birthday wish from ten years ago actually coming true?" she asked. What was he trying to do? Make a point? What kind of point? "I want to be your girlfriend more than anything! It's the one thing that's keeping me grounded, you're the freaking north in my life right now!"
"And how can you explain then that you don't want people to know about us?"
"Because we're still trying to figure it out! It's so sudden! So quick!"
"Anne, something that's been more than a decade in the making can't really be defined as sudden and quick! What are you not sure of, honestly?" he asked, trying to keep as calm as he could. Not raising his voice. Both hands on the steering wheel. Maybe grabbing it a tad too strongly, but he was not going to let his temper and frustration get the best of him.
"What do you mean? I'm not sure of anything, Gilbert. The one thing that I'm sure about is you. Other than that…" she said, frustrated and confused, this conversation making her as uncomfortable as ever.
"So you're sure about me," he repeated, his tone still, and he saw her nod by the rearview mirror. "You're sure about me being your boyfriend, so you say."
"Because I am sure of that, Gilbert! So sure!" she interrupted again, and he breathed in slowly.
"So now I feel like I have to ask, where do you think me, being your boyfriend, is going to? What kind of future do you see in this if you can't even admit to people we are a couple and can't even consider moving in with me officially?"
"Well I don't know, Gilbert! I just want to start by finding my home, deciding where to live, get a job to pay bills! Can't I do that one thing at a time? Can't I just see if this therapy thing you and Fred insisted on me going to work and helps me define whatever I want to do with my life?"
"You don't know?" he asked in a low voice, trying to ignore the knot in his throat and how his fingers were starting to hurt from the tension.
"I don't know, Gilbert! I haven't known in years, what would make you think anything about that has changed? Shit, I don't know what to do with myself and you expect me to know where this thing with you is going?"
"So now it's this thing ?"
"You called it that way first, Gilbert! Fuck!"
"I did, only trying to understand what you thought of the whole relationship between us. Not because I could ever think anything with you is a thing," he answered, eyes still on the highway. He refused to look at her at that moment. And he felt her eyes boring on him. She was so annoyed. They had been having the trip of the year! It had been mostly so, so perfect! Only for him to ruin it with his questions! Urgh! "Anne, you seriously have no idea of where this is going? What do you want from this? Please, be honest."
"I just told you! Are you even listening, Gilbert Blythe?! I don't know! I need a home first! A fucking home! Something you've had all your life and I only got a taste of for a few years! A home!" she insisted.
Why was it so hard for him to understand? She did get that they'd had vastly different childhoods, but Gilbert had always got her. He had been there. He had held her as she cried after her nightmares. Before and now. Why was it so hard for him to understand she couldn't think of any kind of future with him without first finding her place?
"I am listening, Anne. Believe me, I am," he said, trying no to clench his jaw so hard, but determined no to lose his control while driving and they were just getting to Mississauga. Why was she so insecure? So stubborn? So blind? This was the reason nothing ever happened between them when they were teenagers, probably. She was always in too much of a denial for anything to have even the opportunity of happening. Too focused in her voids and not on what was so readily available for her.
"How can you ask those questions and be so calm and collected? Do you even care about this, Gilbert? Do you really mind anything about me?" she asked, feeling somehow her eyes water. But she would not cry about this and even less in front of him.
"Now Anne, don't push it. I care a great deal. I love you. I want to have a home with you. I'm just not losing my temper like you are," or trying no to lose it, anyway. "This whole…"
"You're saying I'm losing my temper?!" she exclaimed. "Gilbert Blythe at least look at me!"
"Anne, I'm driving," he said. It hadn't stopped him before. But he was finding it harder by the second to stay calm. Anne saw his clenched jaw and his white knuckles.
"You're driving?! You chose to have this conversation in the car while you drove, not me! So face it!"
"I would have never imagined it would turn out like this," he admitted, more to himself than to Anne.
"Like what, Gilbert?! What were you expecting?!"
"I was actually expecting a conversation between two caring adults about starting their lives together. Does that ring any bell, Carrots? Or was it just wishful thinking?"
"Can you even blame me? I have no idea why you assumed…"
"I assumed things, yes, but only based on what I think you're feeling, Anne. Be the big girl you are and acknowledge the facts. Acknowledge how you feel. Not what your insecurities are telling you to do. Do you want a home? Well, maybe it's in front of you. You don't know what to do about your future? Maybe you already have the answers," he said, not quite able to contain himself, but still managing to keep his voice low. "Whenever you find it in your gut what you want with your life and with me, please let me know. I haven't been waiting for that, clearly," he concluded, wanting to end this discussion because it was just too painful.
Low and cold and impersonal and unfeeling, or that's how Anne felt his controlled, clipped, even sarcastic tone. How dare he say any of this to her? She didn't have anything in front of her! She would have seen it! Did she? Why was he being so mean and so incomprehensive and crude?! She opened her mouth to answer him a couple of times but found no words. And then decided just to ignore him for the remainder of the ride.
Annoyed, she changed the playlist she had made, not wanting to bring back those memories any more. At least, not right then. She randomly chose one of Gilbert's daily mixes from the app, and as a song in Spanish she had never heard started playing, she knew she had chosen well. She didn't want any music to bring back anything to her right then.
He noticed the change of music but didn't say anything, just listening song after song of groups and singers he had discovered while he travelled with Fred and when Alguien como tú from Josean Log started playing he refrained from sighing out of frustration. When the song had come out the previous year, Fred had sent it to him half as a joke and half because it seemed like the song had been written by some version of Gilbert. Get over it and ditch that ring, Blythe, it's time. It's been long enough, he had insisted. There were other girls on the planet who could be as good as that mysterious Anne if he only gave them the chance. Anne looked at him, not getting his expression, but decided to just ignore him and looked out of the window.
When they finally got to Gilbert's parking lot, Anne got out of the car when he hadn't even turned it off. Going to the trunk to retrieve her carry on, she went to the stairs and he picked up his pace to reach her. She entered his apartment when he was just getting in the hallway, looked around, her bag still in her hand. She just left it next to the door as he entered.
"Anne, Carrots, can we just talk about this?" he asked her, calmer after half an hour of concentrating just in the car that was in front and listening to music he admittedly loved. She looked at him, not an expression on her face.
"I need time to think," was her sole answer before she turned and left the house. Gilbert stood there, blinking, not quite believing she had just left like that. He swallowed. He wanted to live with her. Heck, he wanted to marry her and have little red haired babies with her (not that he was telling her that now). But was it even possible that he had messed up- again?
**Gilbert Blythe (16:50): Hey, Freddie. We got home. Call you later. Can't talk now.
**Gilbert Blythe (16:50): Anne, come to the apartment. Please. We need to talk about this. Ignoring this issue won't take us anywhere.
**Fred (16:51): Thanks for letting me know. Taking Bear to Confederation in a bit, in case you want to drive a bit more but see your furry fellow rescue. Ella's staying home, she's been feeling a bit queasy the past few days.
Of course, she didn't answer. He waited ten, fifteen minutes and tried to call her.
"Come on, Anne…" he mumbled as he heard the first couple of rings but then it went straight to voicemail. "Seriously?" He tried again, and voicemail received him after just the first ring.
**Gilbert Blythe (17:06): Anne, pick up the phone. Where are you? I can meet you there so we can talk. Please.
He tried again, more frustrated than before.
**Gilbert Blythe: (...)
He didn't send anything more. What was the point? Whatever calm he had managed to collect was gone by now and he was in a horrible mood. But he needed to talk with someone, because maybe an outside perspective would help? Maybe he was not mental and there was a point in Anne living with him? Maybe he was not overreacting? Or had he been so wrong about… everything?
**Gilbert Blythe (17:12): I'm actually in a very bad mood. But if you don't mind hearing me vent, I could use a good ear and your huge dog to pet.
**Fred (17:13): See you in 15? By Hutch's, I want ice cream. Bear will hear you while I enjoy something creamy
"Cole, I screwed up with Gilbert," Anne said after her friend picked up the phone. She had called him when she was not three blocks away from Gilbert's apartment, because she had spent the past half an hour trying to sort things in her mind, she was furious with Gilbert, and needed to speak with someone. She still had the option of calling Diana, but that meant probably enduring Jerry's comments. So Cole first.
"How exactly did you manage to do so?" he asked. "Everything looked pretty much perfect last evening. Well, except how uncomfortable you were about the whole situation. Something I did pick up, Nan."
"He might have proposed that I move in with him and I freaked," Anne answered.
"Anne, you already live with the guy," Cole said, matter-of-factly. She growled.
"I'm staying there while covid and until I find a job!" she insisted.
"Are you seriously telling that to yourself?" Cole asked. "Anne, please, stop denying reality?"
"Can you not be Gilbert in this conversation, please?"
"What on earth do you mean?"
"Just what I said. Don't channel Gilbert. I had enough of his arguments. I just need to vent. I need to figure out what to do. Where to live. And I feel like suddenly there's so much pressure, Cole. I don't like this. I just want to go home. I need to have a home and a job and be independent before I even consider living with him," she said, finally getting to the trail and sitting next to the first tree she saw. "It's bad enough that he doesn't allow me to pay for anything."
"Nana... what exactly is home for you? If that's the biggest issue, start there. What is home for Anne Shirley-Cuthbert?"
"I don't even know!" she exclaimed. "It's Green Gables! Matthew and Marilla and Butterscotch and the whole freaking farm I will never be able to buy back."
"Anne…" she heard Cole sigh on the other side and she didn't add anything else, waiting for him to collect his thoughts. "Look, what I'm going to say it's with the best possible intention so please don't go mental on me?"
"What, Cole?" she replied, already apprehensive.
"Matthew and Marilla, as much as you loved them, as much as they were the home of your youth… They are no longer here. You won't find that anywhere. The good thing is you already have them in your heart. So stop looking for a way to emulate that feeling you got when you arrived from school and Marilla had fresh baked bread and Matthew was scolded for trailing mud all over. That is a cherished memory, but it won't happen again. You won't get the exact same feeling again," he said calmly, as if he was trying to measure every word, and Anne felt how her throat was closing little by little in a knot, her eyes going watery. She was looking for that. The warmth. The cozyness she felt at Green Gables. She tried to answer but only made some strange noise. "As for Green Gables… Who knows? Maybe you'll manage to buy it in some years. Don't give up on that. But Green Gables is not your home either, Nan. Neither is particularly Avonlea."
"Of course they are, Cole," she said, and it came almost as a pout. Because that was home. That was where she had been happy. And if she came back there she would be again. Maybe.
"No, Anne. Those are just the scenarios. Avonlea? That's where we were as kids, and it feels so familiar and good because of all the memories we have there. That's why we all love going there for the holidays. Even I do, even when it means seeing my family and you know how that always turns out. Green Gables? Marilla and Matthew were there. So that's why the farm is home to you. You just can't see it without seeing them, and you think that by going there you will feel the same warm feeling inside you again. I'll save you some pain: it won't come back. It is an empty space now."
"But…" she tried to protest, because that was home and if she didn't even have the hope of getting home in Avonlea, then she was even more lost than what she had anticipated.
"Nan, I'm sorry. Home is not a place or a house. That's why we have a different word for that. And you're the word magician, not me. I just play with clay and paint. You should understand this better than I do," he said quietly. Anne didn't say anything else for a moment and neither did Cole, both hanging on the other side of the line.
"So how am I supposed to find a home then?"
"Nan... What is a home? Without mentioning Marilla and Matthew and Green Gables and Avonlea, what is a home to you?"
"I don't know, Cole," she said frustrated, because there seemed to be a mental block and she couldn't see past them. Past the farm. Past Jerry, annoying as he was. She could see the block now, but not a way around it. "I don't know what a home is beyond what I've had, I really don't know."
"Maybe… would it help you if I told you what home is to me? What it has been over the years?"
"Would you actually share that?"
"Anne, with you?" Cole huffed. "I almost feel offended by your question."
"Sorry…"
"Don't be. So home. For Cole MacKensie. Back when we were teens… You know, when I still lived with my family back in Avonlea?"
"That was home?" Anne asked, stupefied. He had suffered so much in that house!
Incoming call: Gil
She hung up. Almost immediately it started ringing again and she ended the call quickly, just wanting to hear what Cole had to say. She couldn't face Gilbert without having some sort of clarity.
"No. It wasn't. That's the point. Being with my parents and my siblings never was really home. Because I didn't feel like I could be myself. I didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't feel at ease, you see? I had to watch every movement, every word, every thought. And then I came out and all hell broke loose, and I ended at Aunt Jo's. That was home. You know why?"
"Why?" she asked, even when she was already seeing the answer. Because he could be.
**Gil (17:06): Anne, pick up the phone. Where are you? I can meet you there so we can talk. Please.
Incoming call: Gil
She hung up again.
"I could be completely and unapologetically myself. All day. Not just in the forest with you, but at school, in the house, while at dinner. I felt free, expanding and cared for and it was the best feeling. I had a place I longed to return to, where I wouldn't be judged, where I could speak freely, where I could feel sad and not hide it, you know?"
"Cole…" she tried, remembering how hard those years had been for him.
"Anne. It's in the past. It's ok, now. You see where I'm going now?"
"But Cole, for me… aunt Jo were the Cuthberts."
"Anne, see past them, please," he insisted, like when he was trying to show her something she didn't understand on a work of art. "See past the obvious, Nan. Ok, let me continue, then. After uni I went to live alone, remember? For about a year or two."
"Before you finally moved in with Roy, yes," she said, clinging to his every word.
"That apartment was home, at least in the beginning. I absolutely loved every single thing about it and looked forward to going in the night to a place I could call my own. Where I could walk around naked if that's what I wanted. Where I could decorate exclusively to my taste and leave my oils on the dining table and smoke wherever I wanted. Even if it was a shitty basement, because we both know that's what it was. But then something changed, Nan. As I grew closer with Roy, I found I no longer needed that place so much. I didn't want to come back to it at night, and when he was at my place, he didn't want to go back to his, even when it was most definitely not a shitty basement. Because with him I had my person. I could have all I had when living alone, but I also had someone to share it with. And that made it all the better, you know?"
"Sharing it?"
"Finding a home in someone outside myself, and then starting to build our own special family surrounding it," Cole said, pointedly. Anne heard him sigh again, as if he was a bit exasperated with her daftness but didn't want to say anything wrong either. "The point of all of this, Anne, is that home is not a place. It is not a farm, an apartment or a city. It is more the people you share your life with, those that help you be the best and greatest version of you and those with whom you can be at your worst. It's where you feel comfortable. If you're not seeing it now, Nan, I don't honestly know how else to explain it to you."
They fell in silence again and Anne saw a curious squirrel that didn't seem to understand how a human was so still and kept going closer to it. Making great detours, but getting closer and closer after each circle. She was thirsty, the weather nearing the forty degrees, the shadow of the trees helping but not really cutting it. But she needed to figure this out before going back home. Shit. Going back home.
"Fuck. My home is with Gilbert Blythe," she exclaimed, her voice barely above a whisper, not even intending it for Cole to hear it.
"Finally! That's my girl!" Cole answered, clearly relieved. "Can you please understand then where all this… discussion you had with him is about?"
"He already had it figured out. He already knows I'm home with him. Shit. He's home with me as well. And here I was telling him that I had to… what do I do about the job, Cole?"
"What job, Anne?"
"Well I am looking for a job! All over the place!"
"Well you just narrow your search to Hamilton! Or those other towns that are close by, I don't even remember the names. That's easy. Plus, I don't think there is any rush for you to find a job. It's not like you both are struggling to pay rent. You can take your time to find something you actually like. Think about what you want to do. Or write that damn book, girl."
"He doesn't even allow me to pay rent," Anne mumbled, still uncomfortable about the fact. "And I am writing."
"Nan, I hate to break it to you, but rent probably is the last of Gilbert's worries. He lives in a nice but small apartment in Hamilton . How much can the rent be? And he's a fucking oncologist and then has this apple cider thing that has really grown since Bash moved to Montreal… Stop worrying about it and think more about you being with him, ok?"
"I have to talk with him. Shit. Cole, I'm sorry, I have to go home," she said, suddenly feeling anxious and standing up. This piece of news was as startling as when she first found out she loved Gilbert Blythe. And unlike then, when she had bottled the information, she needed to speak with him now before everything went to hell again. The squirrel scattered, scared. Apparently humans couldn't stay still indefinitely.
"Ok, Nana. Please, for all of us, don't… deny what you already know deep in you?" Cole asked her. She bit her lips.
"I'll try, Cole," she answered, standing still in the middle of the trees. "It's not like it's a conscious decision, believe me. It would save many people a lot of hurt if I just had a crystal ball inside myself."
"That's true enough. Ok. Go home to your man now. I love you."
"And I love you. Thank you. For everything."
"You're most welcome. Now go! Poor guy must be out of his mind," Cole said.
"Fred!" he called his friend as soon as he saw him. "Bear! Come here, boy!" he kneeled and hugged the huge dog, letting some of his tension melt into the furriness.
"What happened now, Blythe?" Fred asked him, passing him an ice cream he had obviously bought for Gilbert. He accepted it and they started walking side by side.
"Thank for this," he said. Fred made a gesture, urging him to continue. "I proposed to her that she stopped looking for a job all around, concentrated just in this area and moved in officially. And she went mental," he answered.
"Of course she would go mental," Fred mumbled. "Look, don't even take it personally, Gilbert."
"I was kind of doing so, you know?"
"I do. Just don't."
"Part of me thinks these are just her insecurities speaking. But it doesn't make it any less frustrating. Because I do believe she cares for me and wants to be with me in some measure," he said. Or he wanted to believe so, after so many years.
"I'm sure she does. She'll come around. Just give her some time. I can give you the advice back," he said and Gilbert huffed, shaking his head, remembering a similar situation some six or seven years before. "Where is she, anyway? It's not like you to storm out."
"No, but it is like her. I tried calling her and texting her and she just hung up. So I decided to go out, take your offer," Gilbert answered as Bear stopped to sniffle a tree and pee. "Is it too bad from me to think this could be real, that we could live together and start the life we both have longed for so many years? Isn't it amazing we actually managed to smooth things over and that we are together? Doesn't that mean anything?"
"For one, that you're hopelessly romantic, that's for sure," Fred commented. "Blythe, it's normal. You're full of emotions, as she is. Only you have way more stability, mental, emotional and otherwise, than she does. So give her a chance to collect her thoughts, eh? Try not to pressure her. How's she doing with the therapies, anyway?"
"She mentioned it was getting better, but that Patel had mentioned it was more of a long term thing so she wouldn't relapse. She hasn't had many bad dreams… Whenever I feel her stirring I hug her and it seems to help. And when she has woken up from a nightmare she has woken me and I've done what I can. And she's gotten more confident as well in other things… So I think there is some improvement. And they've been able to manage it without any meds, which I know were a sore point for her."
"That's great. I honestly didn't know if they were going to manage that, considering the state she was in that night. I'm glad things are moving in a good direction," Fred commented. They walked in silence for a few meters. "Have you told her about Yang's proposal? I didn't ask earlier, because last I knew, you hadn't told her…"
"Thanks for that. I actually planned to tell her… well, as part of the conversation that turned into such a mess," he explained, still frustrated. "Any suggestions? Last I want is for it to be another sore point. I'd rather pass up the opportunity, I do have my priorities clear, you know?"
"I know. I understand that. But I don't think it's necessary for you to pass it up… At least not yet. What was the center of the argument?"
"Pff… everything, it would seem," Gilbert replied, remembering their discussion not two hours back. Fred looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Ok, ok… Let me think… The thing that she kept going back to was her finding a home."
"Not the job aspect? Or not knowing what to do?" Fred asked.
"She did mention it, Fred. It was all over the place. But the… center of the argument, as you call it, was the home thing. Finding a home before figuring out the rest."
"So it probably won't be that much of a problem, if she reaches the conclusion that her home is with you," Fred said. Gilbert looked at him. "Look, I'm not saying be all insensitive in how you tell her. But I don't think it will be a sore point like this… moving in together thing is. If she agrees to move in with you, then touch the subject of what she wants to do in a way she doesn't feel judged or pressured… And after helping her feel validated and taken into account, because I know it's something that truly comes from you, then share about your opportunity. I take it you want to say yes, if you're considering how to tell her?"
"As long as it doesn't come in between Anne and me… I do, yes. You know I want to teach, and it's an entry-level course. First years. If it was for more advanced students I would probably be more nervous, but here I can help them get good bases… And I kind of like that idea, you know?"
"Yes, I get what you mean. I think it's great, actually." They walked in silence for a few more minutes.
"How's Ella, anyway? What's going on with her? I spoke to her the other day and she seemed in a good mood, even if a bit defensive…"
"You mean that whole instagram thing? You're lucky you were away," Fred replied laughing. "She was mental after your comments. Saying you had betrayed her when you talked against cereal. Anne's rubbing on you, by the way," Fred commented in between laughs. Gilbert shook his head.
"You mentioned she was feeling queasy…?" Gilbert insisted, because it couldn't all be a coincidence. Her, refuting Fred's miso (which was really nice, and he knew Ella loved), eating Lucky Charms insistently, Fred going to the park on his own... He looked at his friend. They had been actively trying for the better part of a year and he had stopped mentioning the subject months ago, when he noticed that Fred was actually starting to worry. And then he noticed the tiniest of the smallest smiles in his friend's eyes. Unrelated to his laugh. "No way. Fred Wright. Is this what I think it is? Finally?" he asked, stopping in the middle of the path and pulling Fred to the grass next to it so they wouldn't be in the way of anyone else. Bear lifted a leg on a nearby tree. He forgot all about Anne for the moment.
"It all depends, Blythe. You've never been particularly good at catching signals from people…"
"Don't mess with me, Wright. I was catching plenty the other day and I've been waiting for this moment since last year. Are you guys…" but he didn't have to finish the question as Fred's smile was all he needed. He hugged him tightly and Fred hugged him in response. "I am so happy this doesn't make any sense. When did you find out?"
"A couple of weeks ago. Dr. Oak confirmed it on Friday, but of course you were in Montreal and it's not the kind of news you tell over a message."
"Of course, makes sense, but… My goodness, Freddie. This is it, finally! How's Ella feeling?"
"Excited. Nervous. A bit afraid. We were actually considering fertility treatment options with Dr. Oak when it happened, so… But she's so happy, Blythe. Like you can totally see it in her eyes. It's amazing," Fred explained. Gilbert nodded. He knew they had been trying since the past summer, so… "She finally looks more relaxed, as well."
"And are you telling people now? How far along is she?"
"Seven weeks, apparently. And yes. We're telling. In person first to our closest family, which of course includes you. This whole taboo of waiting three months doesn't make any sense to us," Fred answered. "And honestly? We're so happy right now we just want to share it."
"You guys are going to be parents," Gilbert said, smiling, feeling his chest full of love for his friends. "You're going to be dad to someone, Freddie."
"Don't even remind me, Gilbert. I'm terrified as it is. Happier as ever, but so utterly terrified to mess with a tiny human being. Like I want this, yes, but it doesn't take away the… well, everything.."
"You managed to deal with me at 19. So you already know how to deal with crying babies," Gilbert joked, unable to stop smiling. "Goodness, I'm so happy for you and Ella. So, so happy. I'll call her once I get a chance."
Notes:
The long note will be the end one today :)
First things first: is it safe to say you weren't expecting this and that while you wanted them to talk (we know you did, you said so in the comments!) you weren't expecting it to happen this way? And they still have sooooo many things to talk about. Well, they still have this issue to solve, if we think about it, right? So how do you think they'll solve it next chapter?
And now... Ella and Fred are going to be parents! Like, mom and dad to a human baby and not just a giant dog! Aren't we all excited?
Which leads us to... Now that instagram exists, we feel we have to be a bit upfront about a couple of things: the chapters we're publishing now have been written for months. Like this one was written around September or October at the latest. So... Anything that happens in Instagram doesn't influence what happens here. And that includes the fertility of the characters, if you know what I mean ;)
We, as in... Fred and Cole in Instagram, know what we're publishing and why and where we're taking the banters with Gilbert or whoever, so you can take those comments like true to this story. Or with truths to this story. That said, we have no control over what Anne, Gilbert, Bash... publish, comment or reply to us. Even if some of them suggested we told them if there was something out of character. We won't do that, because we would give too much away, but if you follow those accounts, chances are, you'll see some things that don't really align with the story. It doesn't matter! They're great fun! We know we enjoy them a lot and their pictures are so nicely curated. We truly love them.