Wounds
Part Four

I am indescribably upset at the man sitting on the bed—disheveled and staring down at my feet as if he's ashamed to look up at me. It's really not fair for me to be this upset, but I am—I am so much that it's killing me. If anything, he should be the one upset—in fact, I'm fairly certain he's really infuriated with me. It takes the span of time for that third person to leave the room for Kanda's senses to snap him into the anger I know he should have.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He spits at me and I resist the urge to recoil. It's mainly because I know he's justified in being livid that I have just dismissed his temporary evening partner. It wasn't the plan. I hadn't actually actively decidedthat Kanda wasn't going to play with some nameless user this particular night. I just stood up and made him leave. No real reason that I can ever logically make sense of—just an impulsive action.

"I…don't…" I choke up because he's all but attacking me in his frustration.

"You don't what? You don't what? You don't know do you? I don't know what your problem is, but you have no right to chase off my—."

I cut him off so fast it almost makes me ill. "Your…partner? Your…lover? Or maybe he's your friend?" I can't help my bitter tone. I know that these men are none of these things and he knows it too. He's ignoring it because it's easier than owning up to the fact that none of this means a thing. It's probably half of what's driving me to the offensive—shooing a man out of Kanda's room before he can even start. For a split second, I almost feel for the man I chased away, because he's been strung along by Kanda. Ultimately, however, I did what my instincts are telling me that I needed to do. "These people are just users, Kanda."

"What is your goddamned point?" Dark eyes leave me swallowing down an uncomfortable lump in my throat. "You have invaded my business enough and I let you. But I draw the line when your voyeurism becomes a thorn in my side."

"Why do you insist my reason is because I enjoy watching this? Watching you? I try to understand, I do," my voice is wavering even as the feelings are strong, "but the more I see, the more I recognize the misery. This isn't making you happy…so why? Why do you throw yourself on these men every night?"

"It's my choice to do with my body as I see fit."

Choice? A choice…My mind settles on the intensity of Kanda's heavy gaze and I let it sink in for a moment before I can devise words to counter with. No matter how I try to look at it, I don't see choice, I see Kanda as even more of a prisoner than before. This man in front of me is chaining himself to his bed of self-contained lies. He can't see what I can see, when he's clawing into the sheets while someone's hands leave imprints that could last for days on normal people.

"If it was a choice, then you wouldn't be bound to it like this. I don't think you have the power over it anymore."

My words must sting him if they are enough to make the man before me clamor off the bed and curl his fingers threateningly into my shirt. "That's none of your fucking business regardless. If I want to round up five guys and fuck them all at once, I will. It's not a matter of whether or not you think I have control. I do."

"You can't control your need to do this. If you're this irate over a man whose name you didn't even know anyway." The tone of my voice gets stronger and braver the more I listen to him. "This only proves it, Kanda. You could have called him back if you really knew you wanted it. If you really thought you had control, then I wouldn't even be in here watching you. Your body is drowning your mind out and you know it."

"That's a load of shit. A big load of shit. If you hadn't decided to run him off, then nothing would have changed."

"Exactly," I stare impassively while I wait for Kanda to realize what I'm saying. "You'd still be fucking any person who passed your fancy."

The silence that follows is deafening and for a moment I'm really worried that I've overstepped my place to an unforgiveable point—however, Kanda's gaze loses the spark and he glares at me unenthusiastically. "And what do you think you can do about it, beansprout? Are you going to take his place? Do you think you can fix me? Not likely. You'll leave and I'll pull someone right back in. Because what do you think you can actually do? Pretend to have moral concerns? I'll just go along with your drivel until you're done being a savior. So nothing changes regardless—no matter how you act."

"Is that what it will take, Kanda? To keep you from servicing the entire Black Order? To keep you from cutting into yourself like you are?" The words I speak are accompanied with intense drums of my heart. I'm saying one thing, but mymind is completely unsure if I can actually go through with it. It's terrifying. It's making me quiver and yet at the same time, his expression and body language are making me brave. "If that's what you want…"

"Like you could. You're not that dedicated. You can't fight them off every night. Don't bullshit me. Your concern is as fake as your personality."

Something in me snaps uncomfortably within that instant. I am already shoving him back and forcibly pushing him until his body bows and he falls back on to the mattress behind him. There's a shock in his eyes, but his face is screaming at me with excitement—and I just can't understand this. "If you want it that bad, then fine Kanda," my polite disposition vanishes, dropping like I've uncurled my fingers from the handle of a shield. "Then I will do my very best to fuck some self worth into you."

The threatening way I look at Kanda makes him return a feral grin at me and I take no hesitation in spitting in his face—literally. "Remember, this is what you wanted."

Despite the flash of anger in Kanda's eyes, he still manages to hiss at me, "my choice, beansprout."

"You lost your right to make choices as of right now. Speak again and I will smack the next words right out of your face."

The twisting in my gut tells me how wrong this is, but if I have any hope of breaking through, I have to be this way. I have to inflict more wounds to trigger the healing process.

This very concept reminds me of just how ruined both of us already are.

To Be Continued...

A/N: So far, this story and its sequel are complete. And I'm working on the final story now. Sorry for delays. This was this month's goal for writing 50k words. And I succeeded!