Wounds
Part Five

The churning, twisting and uncomfortable feeling in my gut refuses to back down, even as my body covers his. This is not what I want and this feels so wrong that I almost back down. The only reason I don't is because that's what he's expecting. He anticipates my admittance of defeat and letting him go back to a faceless stranger. I can't do that, because I don't want to lose to him—and I want to show him exactly what I mean. For this, I need to hurt him and it's a boiling sensation that nearly takes the air out of my lungs.

My knuckles crack across his face and I can feel the way my mangled, coarse hand splits the skin of his lip. He didn't listen when I told him to shut his mouth, so now he gets to feel the repercussions. He goads me and attempts to belittle me; but will I tolerate that? No. I won't. Angry fingers pull his hair until I can almost feel the strands screaming—ripping—at the roots. It's just enough to make him let out a strangled yelp. My goal isn't to tear his hair out—because I like his hair—however, I need him to take me seriously and nothing sinks it in quite like nearly yanking his hair out to get his attention.

"I told you not to speak," I remind him after a moment has passed.

His eyes blaze at me and they make me indescribably mad. I don't want to actually be mad; but for some reason I am and even though he says nothing else, I backhand him once more—drawing a trail of blood across the sheets. He's fine; he'll heal. That's what he does. That makes it okay to dig my fingernails into his arm until he's actually squirming in my grasp.

It's fortunate for me that he's already naked; because at the point I'm at, I just don't feel like being kind enough to undress him for this. If that had been an obstacle, I'm pretty sure I would have cut them off him and that would have been messier than I plan to get. My goal isn't to destroy him. In my strange way, I'm making an attempt to save him.

It just doesn't make sense yet why this is necessary.

I lean back off the bed and I take him with me—dragging him across the mattress and forcing him to stand up. I don't like the way he's facing and so I turn him, making him face away from me. That tight feeling hits me strongly when his bare skin is pressed flush against me. It's probably fortunate that my body is acting separately from my mind, because I have no idea how I'd be able to do this if my mind was in control. The upset emotions and growing anger would have turned me off if I had been more stable at this moment. But with his body so close, I can't really avoid it.

His arm is mercilessly pulled behind his back and I shove him further toward the bed—making him careen forward until his head turns so his face doesn't get shoved into the mattress. His legs are bent at the hip and my eyes follow the curve of his body; he's positioned at a perfect angle for me and there's nothing I can do to stop my body from wanting what my mind is reeling against. It's a complicated feeling that's throwing me in chaos. All I know is that I have no choice but to unbuckle my belt and loosen the front of my pants.

Even as I stare down at him, body waiting to be used, I can't believe where I'm going with this. It's not that I'm naïve; I just never went this far under these pretenses and Kanda's letting me like he's lost every shred of dignity that I thought he had.

There's a slight chill that crawls up my spine that almost threatens to break my resolve to do this, but I force it down. This is what he wanted.

"Changing your mind, beansprout?" His voice crawls into my ears—strained and breathless—and I lose my patience with a snap. There's a moment where I honestly feel like breaking him, because he can't understand why this is a difficult thing for me; and I know it's because he doesn't care about what's happening to himself. He should. I want him to. I want him to look at me as more than something that's going to use him. I want him to realize that somewhere in all the stupid thoughts and rampant self denials, I care about him more than I really even want to.

To Be Continued...

A/N: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOTE HERE, that this chapter has been hacked in half for the contents of the second half of it. If you'd like to read the rest of this chapter [I've tried to make this story readable without it, but] you can find it on my archiveofourown profile under dewdroplotus. I have a link on my profile for you to find it.

Other than that, this story, and its two sequels are pretty much complete and I will soon be going back to other things while I edit the hell out of this. This story and it's two sequels get pretty heavy, but I hope you enjoy them nonetheless.