Austin Diaz was a wreck. You wouldn't know it when just looking at him. He'd smile at you and ask how you are but in reality that was all just an act. Underneath hose clothes he wore he was covering a dark secret. On his stomach, on his arms and thighs were small, thin cuts. He knew someone would notice if he did it on his forearms and he knew that was too dangerous. He made sure he wasn't cutting anywhere near the big arteries.
He just wanted the pain to go away. The pain of not knowing who he really was, the pain his family inflicted on him whenever he went home and the pain of not being good enough. He wasn't good enough at anything. The only thing he was good for in the Warblers was taking notes. He sighed and leaned against a wall, feeling all cold inside. The only way he could cope with that cold was cutting, because the blood would warm his cold arms or cold stomach or cold legs. It didn't matter how many sweaters or blankets he had, he still felt like he was freezing.
He put his hand in his pocket and could feel the tissue with his razor in it. He held it tightly. Maybe he had time to warm himself before Warbler practice? He headed into the bathroom and made a cut on his upper arm. He sighed in relief when he felt the warmth.
"Yo!" a voice called from outside the door. "Austin you in there?"
"Coming Joe!" Austin called and hurriedly got his shirt back on. He put the razor in his blazer's pocket and hurried out of the bathroom.
"Come on dude or we're gonna be late!" Joseph said and gripped Austin's wrist. He started pulling his best friend down the halls. Austin kept looking at Joseph while they ran. Joseph Hughes was his best friend and he was a lucky guy. He had a brother that loved him. Parents that supported him. He was popular, he was good-looking, girls fell for him constantly, he was charming and funny, smart and cool. Everything Austin felt that he was not. Maybe that's why he liked being best friends with Joseph, they were polar opposites. It also gave Austin something to aim for. He wanted to become like Joseph Hughes, but he couldn't. He looked down and felt the cold creeping up on him again. Joseph let go of him. He stopped moving. Joseph felt it and turned around.
"Austin?" he asked and hurried back to him. "You okay bro?"
"I…" Austin began. But what could he say? That he was feeling like crap? That he felt like a useless piece of shit that wasn't worth anything? That he was cold? No. No he couldn't worry Joseph. Joseph didn't deserve to be worried about him. So Austin put on his usual grin.
"I'm fine", he said. "just needed to catch my breath."
Joseph grinned back.
"You're getting lazy!" he teased and wrapped an arm around Austin's shoulders. "Come on."
They headed to the Warbler Hall and entered, a bit late. Jerry looked up at them and cocked an eyebrow.
"My fault", Joseph hurriedly said. "Austin had to help me get out of a little scuffle."
"Scuffle?" Mark asked, always protective. "A scuffle over what?"
"World War II", Joseph said happily and sat down on the couch beside Mitch and Justine. Austin silently shuffled over to the council table. Joseph took the blame… Austin was so fucking weak and scared he couldn't even tell their friends that it was because of him. He sighed and sat down. Jerry patted his back and started the meeting. Austin wasn't really aware of what was going on. His body was on autopilot. He just wrote down what was being said but he didn't reflect on it. His mind was wandering in the cold blizzards of his self-loathing. He was useless, spineless… worthless and weak. He shouldn't be here. He didn't deserve it. The Warblers were all fantastic, amazing even. Austin just wasn't. He wasn't anything. He was a nobody, nothing. A waste of space. He was so lost in his dark thoughts that he didn't notice everyone looking at him or rather… the red spot visible on his shirt.
"Austin", Jerry tried. But he got no response.
"Yo Diaz!" Nathan yelled.
"We've lost him", Otto joked and Nathan grinned.
"Bet we could make lots of fun of-ow!"
Joseph had thrown an apple at him.
"Shut up", he growled and walked up to his best friend. "Dude?" he shook him.
"What wait huh?" Austin asked and looked up, confused. "What is it Joseph?"
"You're bleeding", Joseph said. "Are you okay?"
"Huh?" Austin followed Joseph's gaze and saw the red stain. "Oh! Uh right I was… before we met up I collided with one of the janitors. He was carrying something sharp. I didn't think about it before."
"Want me to have a look?" Ethan asked and hurried over.
"Calling doctor Hughes", Fredric sniggered but Ethan ignored him. He walked over to Austin and smiled.
"No thank you", Austin said and cowered back a little. "I um… I'll just go take care of it myself."
"Don't be silly", Ethan said and gripped his shoulder gently. "It's no trouble. Besides you can't bandage your own arm, everyone is useless at that."
But when Ethan said that only a few words was registered in Austin's brain. "You useless trouble." That's what he heard. When Ethan reached out for his arm he pushed his chair back.
"Don't touch me!" he yelled and everyone stared at him.
"Austin what's wrong", Jerry asked getting up. "Ethan just wants to help you, he's not trying to be mean. Don't worry."
But all Austin heard was:
"Austin don't be mean."
Austin gripped his head. The Warblers were getting worried, especially Joseph. What the hell was going on? Sure Austin had seemed a little under the weather, but who wasn't at this time of year? Jerry carefully moved closer to Austin.
"Kiddo it's okay", he said gently. "What's wrong? You can tell us."
"You wrong."
Austin felt that cold cover his entire body. He was freezing but felt as if he was burning up on the inside, something was very wrong. He felt tears going down his face. But he could also hear the Warblers, calling him things like weak and useless and scum and other horrible things. Even Joseph, his best friend was saying that stuff. Even daddy and mommy Warbler. (yes they were called that before Wes came to Dalton)He felt so much pain and hurt and cold. He wanted it to be gone. He felt a hand land on his shoulder.
"You're sick and should get out of here."
That was Jerry. Those words hit him hard. Austin took off running and when someone gripped his arm he swung at their face. He couldn't make out who it was, he only felt the warmth of blood on his hand. He gave this someone a nosebleed. The warmth felt welcomed. But someone else tried to grab him. He kicked them and then ran for it. He slammed the doors open and ran. Everything was foggy, he had no idea of where he was going. He just needed to get away.
Back at the Warbler Hall Bastian slowly sat up, a tissue held to his bleeding nose.
"Wad the fud habbened?" he asked as his younger brother and Lucas helped him up.
"I have no idea", Jerry said. "You okay Scott?"
"Yeah", Scott groaned and rubbed his shin. "Damn that kid can kick."
Joseph was staring at the door Austin had run out from. He looked around the room, everyone looked shocked and worried.
"Come on", he said and hurried to the door. "We need to go after him!"
"Not so fast", Mark said and grabbed Joseph's shoulder and pulled him back.
"What huh Mark!" Joseph protested.
"Joe just wait", Ethan said. "This could be really serious, we need to figure out what to do."
"No I need to find my best friend!" Joseph objected.
"Has Austin seemed different to you lately", Jerry asked while looking through Austin's blazer. He was looking for a syringe.
"Why do you ask?" Joseph grumbled and crossed his arms. Mark was holding him by his collar, up in the air so he couldn't run out.
"He seemed… kind of high", Malcolm said. Joseph and Bastian glared daggers at him. "What? He did!"
"I agree", Lucas said. "He acted as if he was high on drugs. That blood could be explained by that as well."
"How do you figure Einstein", Joseph spat.
"It was in a spot where he easily could've put a syringe."
"No", Joseph said and shook his head furiously. "Nuh uh Austin would never do drugs! Hell he doesn't even drink alcohol! Not after getting drunk last year!"
When he said that Bastian blushed a little, but no one noticed because his face was hidden in a towel Mitch had fetched for him. Was this his fault somehow? Did he get Austin onto drug by basically raping him last year? No, Austin didn't think of it as rape and neither should he. Austin always smiled and always helped and always looked after everyone else. His dark eyes always shone and his skin was always the perfect… His mind train took a halt.
"He'ds jud been baler dan usudual", he said and they all looked at him. "I said he'ds jud been baler dan usudual."
"He's been paler?" Ethan asked.
"Yeah!" Joseph said and tried to get loose again. "And more tired and a little quieter. Mark let go of me!"
"Joe has he been losing weight?"
"No! He eats normally!"
"So it's not an eating disorder", Ethan mused.
"Stop playing doctor and go find my friend!" Joseph yelled and tried to kick Mark.
"Guys", Jerry said, his voice had a sharpness to it and they all looked at him.
"What is it Jer?" Mark asked. Jerry looked at his hand.
"Austin isn't doing drugs or having an eating disorder", he said.
"See I told you!" Joseph yelled.
"But he's still doing something dangerous."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"
As an answer Jerry held up the razor, the blood on it was just slightly dry. Joseph's eyes widened in horror and realization. All the Warblers stared in horror. Ethan took the razor carefully.
"If he's used this without cleaning it", he said. "It's possible he got an infection…"
That was the last thing Joseph heard before he managed to get out of his blazer and then ran out the door. He heard them call his name but he didn't give a flying fuck, pardon my language, he just had to find Austin.
He soon realized that a few other Warblers were running around as well. Actually they were all running all over Dalton looking for their friend. Joseph though headed for a special place. He headed for their room. He slammed the door open, calling Austin's name. He found him there. Austin was sitting on his bed, knees pulled up and face buried in them. His shirt was on the floor and Joseph could see his arms. He gasped when he saw all cuts, some were scars and some were slowly healing and some were very resent. Joseph moved closer and sat on the bed.
"Austin?" he asked and placed a hand on his friend's knee. Austin slowly raised his gaze. His face was sweaty and his eyes were puffy as if he'd been crying. He most likely had been crying. But he also looked really sick. Joseph raised his hand and put it to Austin's forehead.
"Dude you're burning up", he said worriedly. "And you're shivering!"
"I'm cold", Austin whispered. Joseph moved closer and pulled Austin to his side. "What are you doing?"
"Warming you up silly", Joseph said with a grin.
"Cutting does that", Austin mumbled. "Blood is nice and warm."
"So is human contact you prick, and much healthier."
"In medieval days they used bloodletting to cure diseases."
"Well medicine has evolved since then. Besides this 'bloodletting' is making you sick."
"I'm not sick."
"So you call what happened in the Warbler Hall healthy?"
"Temporary psychotic break…"
"Not much better dude."
Austin just sighed and Joseph held him closer.
"Austin… what's going on? What happened today really scared the crap out of me. It's like you were in a different world and… and as if you thought we were all out to hurt you. That I was out to hurt you. You punched Bastian and kicked Scott. I've never seen you so upset or scared. Come on dude tell me what's wrong."
Austin was quiet, just clinging to his friend. Why? Because he wasn't sure if Joseph was really there or not. Everything was still foggy and he felt really dizzy. He wanted Joseph to be there. He really wanted it to be real. But he was afraid that if he let go or tried to speak Joseph would disappear as a puff of smoke. Joseph was his anchor in life. His brother. He needed him because he had always treated Austin as an equal, something the Latino really wasn't used to. Austin was too afraid to lose him to risk disrupting the illusion. Joseph noticed that something seemed off. His friend was pale and shaking but there was something warm on him as well. In horror Joseph looked down and noticed Austin's forearm was bleeding… a lot.
"Austin!" he screamed in horror and took the blanket and pressed it tightly to the many bleeding wounds. Austin smiled.
"I can't feel the cold anymore", he whispered.
"No no no no no don't do this to me buddy", Joseph whispered as he applied pressure on the arm.
"I'm getting warm again Joe… I'm feeling… calm."
"You're about to bleed to death you dimwit!" Joseph yelled and then looked at the door. He'd forgotten his phone in the Warbler Hall. "HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!"
The door slammed open and in stormed Mark and Michael. They took one look at the scene and Michael hurriedly got his phone out and dialed 911. Mark hurried over to the bed and helped Joseph apply pressure. But Austin weakly tried to push them away. His eyelids were closing slowly and he was getting weaker and weaker.
"Austin if you die I will kill you myself!" Joseph screamed frantically and quite panicky. Jerry appeared as well and noticed more blood from Austin's leg. He applied pressure there. Austin could only make out three shadows above him. He didn't know who they were.
"I did my best", he whispered and the three face-less shadows looked at his face. "It wasn't enough… Tell my family I'm sorry I failed and tell Joe I'll watch over him from the skies."
The next thing Austin Diaz knew was that he felt warm. He was lying in a soft bed and something was itching badly on his hands. There was something in his nose as well. But his eyes were too heavy to open just yet. His throat felt dry and his body felt kind of sore. He had no idea where he was but he was sure he wasn't alone. He could feel that someone was at his side and soon enough a warm hand gripped his. This someone rubbed circles with their thumb on his hand. He felt another hand gently rubbing his hair. There were people in the room. He could hear voices but wasn't really sure who they belonged to. But then he felt a familiar smell. He now knew who was having their hand in his hair. He could smell the hair-dye. He could also feel who was holding his hand. It became extra clear when this someone started singing.
Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad
Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And you're not sure you can take this anymore
He felt the person grip his hand a little tighter.
So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
The someone hugged him tightly, sobbing into his shoulder. The one caressing his hair took over.
Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come
Austin felt something going down his cheek, tears. He one rubbing his hair stopped so they could wipe his tears away.
So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
The one hugging him, Austin knew they needed some reply from him.
Well, everybody's hit the bottom
Everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on...
Austin lifted his hand and put it on the person's head. He slowly opened his eyes in time to notice it was Joseph. Joseph stared back at him while the others in the room sang.
Just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
"Hey", Austin said drowsily and looked at Joseph.
"Hi yourself", Joseph sniffled and wiped his eyes.
"It's… gonna be okay…"
"Yeah", Joseph sniffled and laughed at the same time. "just as long as you fucking listen to me from now on and… if you promise to never scare us like that again."
"I promise…" Austin mumbled drowsily.
"Go back to sleep."
"M'kay… only if you sleep too… you look tired."
Joseph made a strange little sob-laugh and hugged him tightly. Austin wasn't really sure what happened or how he got here. He wasn't even sure where here was. All he knew was that Joseph was there with him and he knew… he knew that Joseph would never, ever, leave him.
I don't own the song.