Chapter 6

Iruka woke up to Kakashi thrashing and crying out. He scrambled for the lights and turned on his bedside lamp. That surge of golden light woke Kakashi up as well. He dropped onto his back, whimpering. Iruka rolled onto his side and wrapped an arm around Kakashi's waist. "Kashi-chan…"

"No," Kakashi sobbed, burying his face against Iruka's chest. "It's over."

"What's over?" Iruka asked softly, stroking Kakashi's head with his free hand.

"I'm not going this anymore. I'm going."

"You can't," Iruka protested, startled. "I have to take care of you."

Kakashi clung to him. "It's over, it's not right, everything's wrong, everything…" Iruka felt tears being shed against his pajama shirt. Then, abruptly, Kakashi twisted away.

Iruka sat up and let go in surprise.

Kakashi raked his hands through his hair and covered his eyes. "It's wrong, it's all wrong!"

"What's wrong?" Iruka asked. He needed Kakashi to talk to him. He couldn't help if he didn't know what was going on.

"Everything!" Kakashi flung his arms out wide. "Everything is wrong, Ruka-sensei! Touchan's not supposed to be dead and Sensei's not supposed to be dead and Bito's not supposed to be dead and Rin-chan's not supposed to be dead and the world is supposed to be better, all better, and it's not, it's going to hell, we're all going hell and it's hell and it's hell –" He buried his face in his hands, holding his head and curling up. He whimpered. "We're all in hell…" He started shaking. "We're all in hell because we did bad things… Bad things, Ruka…"

Iruka couldn't get his arms around Kakashi fast enough. He cradled Kakashi against him. "You're having a panic attack, Kashi-chan. A panic attack. That's all it is…Breathe for me. Breathe like a good boy, Kashi-chan. Because I know you're a good boy. You're a very good boy…" He rocked Kakashi back and forth. "I love you."

Kakashi slowly went limp.

Iruka gathered Kakashi to him closely, wrapping the covers around them tightly. "You had a nightmare, Kashi-chan, didn't you? A big, bad nightmare."

"No," Kakashi whimpered. "This is the nightmare. Sensei's gone. And Touchan's gone. And…"

"I know," Iruka said softly. "I'm sorry. But that doesn't mean you're alone. You've got me now. You don't have to be alone."

Kakashi clung to him. "Want Gai."

Iruka felt tears in his eyes. He rubbed Kakashi's back. "I know…and Gai will be back soon. But I'm here. I'm here for you…" Okay, a month was not 'soon', but he didn't know what else to say.

"Gai always makes the shadows go away," Kakashi said. He sounded like he was going to cry.

Iruka rocked him gently. "How does Gai do that?"

"He laughs," Kakashi said. He clung to Iruka's shirt tightly, fabric clutched in his fists. "He laughs and says they have to go away. And they do. Otherwise…They can't hurt me anymore when he's here. He's here and they go away. If he's not here…they hurt me over and over."

"What if I laugh?" Iruka asked softly.

Kakashi considered that suggestion doubtfully. "They might be able to tell the difference."

Iruka smiled. "Let me try."

"Try 'ha'," Kakashi said. "Gai's laugh sounds like that."

Iruka took that under advisement. "Ha!" he shouted. "You have no power here." He squeezed Kakashi. "You have to go away, because we say so."

He waited, trying to feel a difference. But, he didn't believe in evil spirits. Other than bijuu, anyway. If Kakashi's 'shadows' were evil spirits. Iruka wasn't sure he knew what Kakashi meant.

Kakashi's eyebrows lifted. "…It worked."

Iruka grinned and stroked Kakashi's cheek. "What did I tell you? I can do it…I can drive away whatever's bothering you."

Kakashi settled down again, amazed and relieved.

Iruka kissed the top of Kakashi's head. He couldn't help it. Kakashi was so much like a little child right now. And…he'd promised to date this man, as soon as Kakashi was well enough. That gave him pause for thought.

Kakashi fell asleep on him.

xXx

When Iruka woke up, Kakashi was gone. He stared at the empty side of the bed, then folded the covers down and got up. He scratched the back of his head and stretched. "Kashi-chan?"

He poked his head into the master bathroom, but Kakashi wasn't there. He padded down the hallway to the living room. Kakashi wasn't in the living room…but he felt a chakra presence in his kitchen and assumed that was Kakashi. He wasn't trained to differentiate chakra signatures; he could just tell if there was one or not.

"Kashi-chan?" he called, announcing himself before he rounded the corner into his kitchen.

Kakashi met him with an innocently beaming smile behind his mask.

Iruka's teacher sense told him to be very suspicious. "Kashi-chan…what are you doing?"

"Making you breakfast," Kakashi said.

Iruka relaxed. "I see. You know I'd rather you let me do that. You're supposed to be resting."

"I know." Kakashi waved a hand at the dishes on Iruka's counter. Two bowls of rice topped with fried eggs, sprinkled with shaved seaweed. "But I already did that, so you don't have to."

Iruka bowed. "Well, that's very considerate of you."

Kakashi scratched his head. "Maa, I know, I'm a considerate kind of guy."

He sounded better, Iruka noted. More like the thirty-year-old man he was supposed to be, instead of the wounded child. "Well, then let's eat your beautiful breakfast."

Kakashi beamed. "Okay." He collected their bowls and chopsticks and set the table. "Want any orange juice?"

"Yes, thank you." Iruka sat down, playing along. It seemed to make Kakashi feel better to be able to do this, so he wouldn't interfere.

Kakashi served them both a glass of orange juice and sat down. "Itadakimasu." He pulled down his mask and began to eat.

Iruka followed suit. "Itadakimasu." He took a couple bites of rice and egg. "Kashi-chan, this is very good."

"It's nothing," Kakashi said. "Nothing like what you make. But this is one of the few meals I learned how to make before my father died."

"He taught you how to make rice and eggs, then?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah." Kakashi didn't seem to have anything else to say about that. He ate his breakfast and drank his orange juice with single-minded intensity.

Iruka let him have his peace.

"After we're done eating breakfast, we have to go visit my team," Kakashi said. "I visit them every day."

"That's fine," Iruka said gently.

xXx

The memorial stone bothered Iruka less this morning. He thought that maybe, in his head at least, he'd pay respects to his parents. In the shadows of the training field, there was frost this morning. Autumn was definitely setting in. Iruka had made sure to bundle Kakashi up before they left, and he too donned a coat and a pair of gloves.

Kakashi dropped to his knees. "Hey. I had nightmare last night that you all were dead, and then I woke up, and it was true. I guess that's not much of a dream, is it? I'm sorry."

He tilted his head. "Oh. I guess you could say so." He looked up at Iruka. "They say they're fine. I'm the one that's suffering."

Iruka squeezed Kakashi's shoulder. "I think they're right," he said quietly. He didn't think he had ever seen a greater suffering than Kakashi's. Deeply traumatized, friendless, without family. So wrapped up in his own isolation it's a miracle I can get through. And on top of all that, experimented on in some kind of program meant to make perfect shinobi? Kakashi's right. His life is a nightmare.

"It's kind of you to say so," Kakashi said. He ran gloved fingertips over the face of the memorial stone. "Since I'm the one that made everyone else suffer."

Iruka knelt by Kakashi and hugged him. "You don't make me suffer. Not at all." He planted a kiss on Kakashi's temple. Could I be falling for him? But then, I don't have a choice, do I? After his first relationship, he was terrified to care about someone, but Iruka couldn't help caring when Kakashi was torn to shreds in front of him. A man that he knew and respected.

Kakashi turned his head and smiled, looking into Iruka's eyes.

Iruka almost pulled his mask down and kissed him. Yup. I'm in love, alright.

xXx

When they reached home, Iruka made Kakashi a cup of hot cocoa and settled him down on the sofa, underneath the blanket. Iruka left Kakashi in front of the tv so that he could make dinner.

Of course, in the process of cutting vegetables and defrosting meat, Iruka heard the tv go silent, and a whispery shuffle that meant Kakashi had crept into the kitchen to be with him. Iruka politely pretended as though Kakashi was up to his usual standard of sneakiness.

Iruka reached in to take out a metal bowl that he used for mixing teriyaki and marinating his meat and narrowly avoided cutting his finger on a shard of broken porcelain. "What…is this?" He pulled out the bowl safely and found more curved shards of various sizes. A slim handle was attached to one of those pieces. He raised an eyebrow, thinking hard. "It's a teacup."

This morning, when I caught Kakashi in the kitchen…

He turned on his heel slowly.

Kakashi was frozen on the other side of the kitchen, the living room behind him.

Iruka held up the handle of what used to be one of his teacups. "Do you know anything about this?"

"Maa, maybe," Kakashi said.

"Did this happen this morning?" Iruka asked.

"Did what happen?" Kakashi stared at him.

Now Iruka knew Kakashi had done it. The question was…"Why did you hide this?" He was surprised Kakashi hadn't cut himself picking up all the pieces of the teacup and stowing it in the metal bowl in the cupboard.

Kakashi turned pale and started trembling. "Because I thought you'd be mad." He ducked back into the living room, as if to run away.

"I'm not mad," Iruka protested, surprised. "What is there to be angry about?"

Kakashi looked as though it took everything he had to stay rooted in place. "B-Because I broke it, and it's yours…it's your thing…"

Iruka shook his head. "It's just a teacup."

The panic drained from Kakashi's body, leaving him standing with his shoulders slumped and his head bowed. His voice came out low. "A cup…you could have used if I hadn't broken it." He sounded like an adult now, but with a child's sentiment still echoing in his words.

"It's just a cup," Iruka said gently. "I can replace it. Get one just like it. It's no trouble at all." He gingerly took a step forward. When Kakashi made no move to run away, Iruka quietly crossed the space between them and folded Kakashi into a hug.

Kakashi shivered, but didn't attempt to hug him back.

Iruka held Kakashi in silence, feeling like the man could break in his arms. His heartstrings had been brutally yanked by Kakashi's fear. "It's okay."

"Ruka, I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." Kakashi wrapped his arms around Iruka's shoulders loosely and rested his head on Iruka's shoulder.

"It's alright," Iruka said, stroking the back of Kakashi's head. "Who frightened you this way? Who made you so scared of breaking things?"

Kakashi shook his head and buried his face against Iruka's shoulder, tightening his embrace.

"It's okay, you know," Iruka said. "I'm not angry. I would never get angry at you for something like this."

Kakashi let out a tiny noise and sniffled, starting to cry at Iruka's reassurances. "Ruka-chan, I was so scared. I do bad things."

Bad things? Iruka forced himself to breathe. "I don't think you do bad things."

"No?"

"No. You're not someone who does bad things, Kashi-chan." Iruka stroked Kakashi's back, gaining confidence at the feeling of Kakashi relaxing against him.

"I don't?" Kakashi's voice was wavering and broken through his tears.

"No, you're a good person," Iruka said firmly.

Kakashi sobbed and cried against Iruka's shoulder, clinging.

Iruka led him to the sofa and sat down with him, holding him closely.

"I'm really sorry," Kakashi said, when he was calm enough to speak again.

Iruka rocked him gently. "It's okay. I mean, I forgive you. I understand that you didn't mean to, Kashi." He kissed Kakashi's cheek.

Kakashi nodded, boneless with relief. "I didn't mean to."

Iruka knew that as desperate as he was to know what had happened to instill this reaction in Kakashi, it was better if he didn't ask now. The man had just calmed down, after all. He wanted Kakashi to stay calm. Iruka stroked Kakashi's back. "I'll never hurt you for things you didn't mean to do. I'll never hurt you, period, but I'll of course never hurt you for things you didn't mean to do. I'm your friend. I love you."

"I was making tea and then the teacup broke," Kakashi said.

Iruka puzzled at that. "How did the teacup break, Kashi?"

"I don't know," Kakashi said. "I looked down at the ground and there it was, broken."

Iruka swallowed his outward signs of worry. "Okay." He stroked Kakashi's hair, Kakashi's cheek. "Well, next time, if it happens again, just come get me. I'll help you deal with it."

"Okay," Kakashi said. He looked puzzled. "It's like it leapt out of my hand or something."

Iruka got an inkling that things like this were the actual source of Kakashi's outrageous excuses. He smiled. "It's alright, Kashi-chan."

Kakashi looked at him with wide eyes, and then smiled in return. "It's kind of funny, isn't it?"

Iruka thought it best to humor Kakashi. "Yes, it is."

Kakashi chuckled. "It's like – Whoops! How did that get there?" He looked around and scratched his temple, pantomiming confusion. "Maybe an enemy ninja came in and knocked it out of my hand, and I had to fight a battle for my life, so of course I couldn't catch the teacup before it hit the floor and exploded into lots of tiny shards."

Iruka couldn't help it. He laughed. "You don't need an elaborate story, Kashi-chan."

Kakashi winked. "No, but they're fun."

Much more fun than not being able to remember anything, Iruka realized suddenly. He grinned at Kakashi and stroked Kakashi's cheek. "Very fun."

Kakashi beamed.

"Are you okay?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi looked surprised. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm asking because I care about you," Iruka said.

Kakashi looked away. "Well…I was scared that you wouldn't forgive me and you would hurt me and then I would be all alone until Gai came back and I didn't know if I could survive that long because I b-belong in the hospital and I've been such a terrible guest and I didn't mean to, Ruka, I really didn't, I just – I don't remember doing it."

Iruka squeezed Kakashi gently. "I understand. Kashi-chan, have you ever been to a psychologist?"

"No, why?" Kakashi asked.

"Because I think you have something called dissociation," Iruka said, keeping his voice calm and reassuring. "A psychologist could help with that."

"I don't like psychologists," Kakashi said.

"Why is that?" Iruka cradled him.

"They find out all your secrets and use them against you," Kakashi said. "Letting someone know your mind is giving them too much power. I won't tell anyone anything about me." He pouted resolutely, seeming to forget that he'd told Iruka an awful lot.

Iruka didn't mention that. I'll just have to take things into my own hands. I need to speak to Tsunade. It's not right to let Kakashi keep running around being emotionally wounded any more than it is alright to let him run around being physically wounded. Someone needs to care about his mind rather than just his body. This is serious business.