XXX

Story: [Immortals Stick Together]

Summary: An immortal Naruto befriends a certain vampire, and when she's sealed, he goes looking for his old drinking-buddy.

Genre: Humor, Friendship

XXX

Naruto nodded sympathetically as the blonde bombshell next to him ranted about people who should appreciate being courted so determinedly.

He was a bit drunk. Okay, more than a bit drunk. But he could appreciate this Evangeline's attitude.

He'd been rejected... a lot of times... in fact, he could remember losing count after reaching the halfway point to triple digits. Sakura had always had something of a cruel streak, he mused. And a wicked right hook.

Naruto wasn't sure of the exact events leading up to him having something of a social drinking contest with the vampire – because only a vampire would go around dressed like that – but he didn't mind terribly.

Evangeline was probably drunker than him though. There were few things that could drink Naruto under the table. And he'd found that dragons weren't automatically qualified for that list.

No, Naruto was kind of enjoying himself. Sure he wasn't Jiraiya, so he didn't particularly care about the obvious back strain those bouncy things on her chest would have to be, but it was nice to have someone to listen and talk to.

She kept getting rejected by the guy she liked, Naruto could relate. She was older than sin but would never age, Naruto could relate – he'd cried a bit when he'd realized that he'd never be able to age enough to grow a proper beard. She enjoyed blowing things up, Naruto could definitely relate.

They made sense to each other, pure and simple.

So, when they started to see more than one blurry image of the other, they managed to laugh about it before making plans to repeat this some other day.

XXX

Naruto's odd friendship with Evangeline continued for a few more years, as they ran into each other every now and again in some bar, with her growing ever-more frustrated by the object of her affection, whilst Naruto ranted on and on about how there was a general lack of massive explosions nowadays.

Eva seemed somewhat hesitant whenever he truly moped around about that particular subject. He'd caught her muttering about 'broken idiots of mass-destruction', but if she wanted to make absolutely certain that he never met with one of her acquaintances, then that was her given right and Naruto wouldn't stick his nose into it.

Even if it would most likely be the single most awesome thing ever.

Regardless, all things must come to an end, and after not hearing from her for two years since his last meeting with her, Naruto finally realized that she wasn't coming back to their drinking matches.

This could mean two things, she was either physically incapable of showing up, or she didn't feel like showing up.

If she didn't feel like showing up, that was most likely related to her finally managing to bag that Nagi-guy. And if she was physically incapable of showing up then he supposed that he really should try to help her out or something.

It took Naruto almost a year after his realization before he finally managed to get off his ass and do something about it. But that was mostly because he would be moving around a lot, and he needed to make sure that everything else made sense.

He needed to pack, he needed to make sure his 'business empire' wouldn't collapse without his presence, he needed to get under the skirt of this really sexy nurse, you know, important things.

He spent three years searching for her, visiting all the places that she'd mentioned to him, talking to as many contacts as he could find, and generally attempting to track her down. He failed, but he would've most likely continued anyways, if he hadn't gotten distracted by this really awesome guy that blew things up and stole panties.

Naruto and Rakan's first meeting would for always be remembered as the Great Cataclysm, by those who knew of it.

Distracted by Rakan, and having a grand old time in general, Naruto was shocked to find that he'd spent another two years without getting any closer to the trail of the blonde vampire. So, saying goodbye to the crazy idiot of a man, Naruto set off on his search once again.

Two more years of searching all of the Magical World, and the only conclusion he'd come to was that she wasn't there. Which was a really shitty conclusion, but better than nothing. If she wasn't there, then she was most likely in the Old World. So, off to the Old World he went.

Only to get caught up in some kind of annoying political dispute that couldn't be solved by blowing up a mountain, and when Naruto had finally managed to shake himself free from their grubby little politician-paws, he found that he'd lost another year.

Cursing paperwork and politics to high heaven, Naruto continued on his search.

Two years later, he hadn't even found a single clue. He was by now visually frustrated, and decided to go bar-hopping on the slim chance that he'd find her there.

He spent another year trying to figure out if she was really gone. There was nothing about her, and considering how he'd been searching for her for almost a decade and a half, perhaps it was time to simply throw in the towel and get comfortable with the idea that he'd need to find a different drinking buddy.

Even if she wasn't dead, she was apparently hidden too well for him to find her.

In fact, he was just about to give up and draw back to his usual haunts whilst keeping an ear to the ground so that he'd find her if she ever resurfaced, when he heard someone mentioning in passing something about a small girl answering to the vampire's name.

Naruto sped off towards Mahora as if someone had lit him on fire. Fifteen years after her disappearance, he'd finally found a clue.

XXX

Naruto's entrance at Mahora Academy was... a bit complicated.

The barrier reacted to him being Not Human, but since he wasn't there with malicious purpose it didn't instantaneously reject him either. The guards weren't nearly as nice about it.

There was even this one person who kept complaining about him not having the proper papers. Naruto shivered at the very thought, and tried to explain that he was just looking for an old drinking buddy of his that seemed to have dropped off the grid.

When questioned about just why he was looking for such a person in a school, Naruto grinned happily and told him that he'd heard her name being used by a girl around these parts.

"That's a very sketchy clue." The smoking guy with glasses pointed out neutrally.

"Well, it's the first one I've got. And it's been fifteen years, so I figured any clue is better than no clue at all." Naruto shrugged.

The glasses guy looked like he'd almost swallowed his cigarette. "F-Fifteen years?"

"Yeah, she's either avoiding me, very well hidden, or more dead than usual." Naruto scratched his head.

"'More dead than usual'?" The guy with glasses seemed to be their unofficial spokesperson, or something.

"Well, vampires aren't really alive you know. So simply calling her 'dead' would be kind of silly." Naruto pointed out rationally.

"You're looking for an old drinking buddy of yours who dropped off the grid fifteen years ago, and who just so happens to be a vampire?" The glasses guy tried getting the facts straight. "You've been looking for her all this time? Why?"

"Well... I didn't really have anything better to do." Naruto shrugged. "It's not like fifteen years really matter to me anyways."

"Ah, you don't age?"

"No." Naruto shook his head. "Haven't aged a day since..." He adopted a thinking position. "Since that old guy with the stupid eyes extracted the demon sealed in me and accidentally blew himself up before slingshotting me naked into the Magical World." Naruto paused, considering this for a moment. "That was one hell of a thing to get used to, by the way. An entire world without Ichiraku's ramen..." He trailed off, sniffing slightly as he always did in memory of his inability to eat such delicious ramen goodness.

"Umm... and when exactly did this happen?" The glasses guy was now starting to look very confused, which was expected, since Naruto himself could rarely listen to his life-story without wondering if perhaps he'd simply gotten really really high and dreamed the whole thing. Alcohol would usually help with that though.

"Uh... when? That's..." Naruto frowned, started to count on his fingers. "Let's see... no, I remember that... hmm... Yeah, I think it was like five centuries ago, give or take a couple of decades."

"F-Five hundred years?" Someone in the crowd choked out.

"I know, right? You would've thought that I could learn to make more than toast after all those years of practice." Naruto shook his head sadly. "But you'd be wrong." He sniffed miserably. "No pretty lady wants to be served toast and ramen for breakfast. Life's so unfair."

"Foxy? That you?" The confused voice of a small girl cut through his reminiscing.

"'Foxy'?! Who are you calling 'Foxy'?! I am Naruto Namikaze, Sage of Awesomeness and Explosions, Seducer of Women, and Drinker of Booze! Worship me you ignorant fools!" Doing poses that were eerily similar to those of his long-past teacher, Naruto threw his head back and laughed.

"Yeah, it's him alright." Eva stated in an exasperated deadpan. "Perverted idiot."

XXX

It took a bit of time to explain just what their relationship was, before Evangeline was allowed to interrogate him on what the hell he'd been doing for fifteen years.

When he casually mentioned losing track of time after running into Rakan, the vampire actually whimpered softly. Naruto thought that this was amusing, as it made him absolutely certain that she'd been trying to hinder their inevitable meeting, whilst most others present just looked at them oddly.

When Naruto grumbled about getting trapped in a political nightmare for an entire year, one of the mages present got all upset over how he'd blown up a mountain in an attempt to get out early. Evangeline seemed caught between laughing and drinking until the memory went away.

And when he ended the story by how his awesome introduction had left them all speechless in admiration, Evangeline kicked him in the shin.

It hurt a lot more than it had any right to.

After being allowed freedom of movement around Mahora due to the simple fact that Naruto had been declared as only harmful to common sense, dignity, and order in general, Naruto cheerfully coaxed a guest room out of Evangeline.

It was in the vampire's cottage that he was first introduced to Chachamaru. Chachazero greeted him from atop her sister's head with that lovable homicidal spiel that she always greeted him with, he responded by shooting a rubber-band at her forehead in the same way that he always did. The rubber-band was turned into very small rubber fragments by courtesy of a surprisingly sharp blade.

"Eva-chan, should you really let your daughter play with such dangerous things?" He asked in a slightly chiding tone.

"Go dig yourself a ditch." Was his pleasant response, though Eva was most assuredly blushing at the thought of motherhood.

"Ah, master?" Chachamaru questioned hesitantly, obviously not sure of how to deal with the blond idiot.

"This is an old drinking buddy of mine." She explained. "He's also an idiot who wasn't able to find me for fifteen years."

"That's harsh, Eva-chan." Naruto pouted pathetically. "I didn't even know to come looking until the traces had all cooled. You should be better at keeping in touch."

"Dammit, I'm too sober to deal with you." Eva spat out. "Chachamaru, fetch me some... juice."

"Is juice another word for booze? Because if it is then I'd like some too, and if it isn't, can I have some milk instead?" Naruto asked with a friendly smile.

Eva's shoulders slumped, knowing better than to fight against the insanity that she prayed he had developed after being torn from his home in such a violent manner. It was either that he'd developed it, or the bastard had actually been born like this, and that thought was almost enough to give her nightmares.

XXX

"So, let me get this straight. The guy you fell for was married? And now his son is your homeroom teacher?" Naruto stared blankly ahead of him. "Whoa, that's... I don't even know what that is. Is it bad that you fell for someone who was married, or is it good that the only person that you didn't manage to seduce was already married? And the homeroom-thingy just makes everything so much more amazingly ironic."

"Whatever." Eva sipped on her drink.

"What are you going to do now?" Chachamaru asked calmly.

"Now?" Naruto blinked, obviously confused by the gynoid's question.

"You've found master. What next?" She clarified in her usual monotone.

"Huh..." Naruto frowned. "Didn't really think about that... Kind of just thought that I'd get drunk, rant about how boring the world is due to its lack of explosions, listen to Eva-chan rant about her love-life, drink more booze, wake up with a hangover and an urge for destruction... You know, the usual stuff... But with you all stuck here like this... well, it'd feel... I don't know, irresponsible? To just leave you here..." He paused, sighing deeply. "Damn, I'm totally going to have to bust down the seal. Man, what a drag."

All present stared at the insane blond.

"You'd release me? Just like that?" Eva choked out in shocked confusion.

Naruto shrugged. "Why not? It's not like Rakan doesn't leave as many dead guys after him as you do, and he's allowed to roam free. No need for discrimination... even if you are a loli." He added with a sagely nod.

Eva growled angrily at him, but he ignored it.

"How?" Chachamaru asked.

Naruto paused, considering this. "My original thought was 'blow everything up'. But I don't think that'd go over well..." He frowned. "Maybe I could 'blow up a lot' instead? Sounds a bit more specific in my opinion." He smiled, before refilling his glass. "But it'd be a shame about the tree, 'cause I think it'd get caught in the blast."

"You'd blow up the World Tree?" Eva sounded caught somewhere in between amusement and horror.

"I've blown up bigger things." Naruto laughed proudly. "But give me a month or so and I should probably be able to avoid it... unless I spend it drunk." He added quietly.

"Okay, no more drinks for you." Eva reached out and pulled away his bottle with a victorious smirk. "Get to working on my seal, then maybe I'll join you in blowing up a mountain or something."

The dean of Mahora felt a distinct shiver crawl down his spine for some reason.

XXX

Asuna stared at the blond man in front of her, uncomprehending.

"What?" She finally asked.

The man stared back at her for a moment, looking confused, before suddenly seeming to realize something. "Ah, where are my manners, I haven't introduced myself properly!" He laughed.

Asuna was then left to continue to stare uncomprehendingly as the man started up some kind of weird dance-routine which included hip-swinging, pelvic thrusts, and-... the man's hair caught fire.

The man – whose weird introduction-dance had declared himself as 'Uzumaki Naruto' – paused in vaguely serious thought, his hair still ablaze, before finally starting to trying to suffocate the fire.

"Piss, crap, stupid-, fuck!" He cursed as he tried to put out the fire on his head.

"Are you alright?" Asuna asked, morbidly curious.

Naruto blinked at her, before grinning cheerfully. "Don't worry, I'm used to it. This has been happening ever since that one time I got too drunk to tell the difference between gasoline and coffee." He reassured her, before muttering quietly to himself. "Fossilized dinosaurs or not, that still tasted like shit."

XXX

A/n: Originally inspired by another fic's summary, this was mostly an attempt to have Naruto simply be an old friend of Eva's, who decides to drop by for a visit. Unfortunately, I couldn't really wrap my head around the amount of chaos that he might be able to cause, so it pretty much ended up dying.