XXX

Story: [Heavens Feel Negima Servants]

Summary: "Fuyuki City? Why does that sound so familiar?" "Wasn't that the town that got completely wiped out by that random meteor-strike?" "Oh yeah, talk about being unlucky."

Genre: Humor, Crack

XXX

XXX Rin-Archer XXX

By the time she finally managed to bust in the door, Rin was not feeling particularly charitable.

When she saw the giant of a man sitting on the remains of her couch – which looked more like a chair to someone his size – however, she decided that perhaps she'd actually Summoned something useful.

Then the bastard opened his mouth.

"Oh! So my Master can open a door all on her own?" He laughed heartily, before turning annoyed. "And twin-tails too, I bet you're gonna grow up into one of those cosplayer-ladies without the age to match."

And as Rin felt her vision turning red in indignant fury, she suddenly heard a disembodied voice that somehow managed to be more terrifyingly annoying than the one belonging to what was apparently going to be her Servant.

"Master! Such fiery passion! How suitable for a proper magical girl!"

Then the moment was gone, and the voice was nowhere to be heard, taking the unsettling image of a bizarrely shaped magical stick with it as it disappeared into the aether.

"Uwaah..." Her Servant muttered to himself. "I didn't think I'd actually be right. That looked like something straight out of Chisame-chan's wardrobe."

So Rin did the only thing she could think of. She exploded him.

She exploded him so badly that the floor crumbled underneath his feet.

Unfortunately, it barely singed the long-haired giant of a man.

XXX Shirou-Rider XXX

"Ahh, this stuff is tasty." Rider hummed happily to herself. "I wonder if I could market it somehow? It'd have to be a different name, so... Shirou's-something-something?"

Shirou made an uncertain noise. "I'm not sure I want to run a restaurant." He admitted. "I like cooking, and I like cooking for others, but it'd feel... I don't know, weird?"

Rider turned to him, considering this new information. "I see, I see. More of a home-chef than a restaurant-chef." She hummed. "But these are some pretty good skill, you know. Might want to consider teaching others perhaps?"

Shirou chewed thoughtfully. "Well, it's been fun teaching Sakura, so I'm not necessarily against it."

"Ohoho? A female's name? In an intimate environment? Is there something I should know about my Master?" The Servant asked curiously.

"Ah, no, it's not like that." Shirou shook his head. "I got injured a few years back, and she decided to help out since I live on my own, and then her coming over kind of became a habit."

Rider stared at her Master for a bit, not entirely sure what she ought to say about that, before beginning to chuckle darkly. "Then, if she's coming over, what should our excuse for my presence be, Master?"

Shirou didn't hear the girl's dark chuckling, most likely because he didn't want to think about what horrors such an evil chuckle might hold, and therefore subconsciously decided to not register it in his perception of the world at all. "My dad traveled a lot, so... I guess you might've come looking for him?"

His Servant nodded along, allowing her Master to form an excuse that was suitable, as she continued to consider what kind of money she might make if she started marketing her Master's cooking skills.

She was the kind of girl that would stop in the middle of her evil monologue in order to advertise a restaurant that she'd invested in after all. Don't underestimate the marketing abilities of a Martian!

XXX Bazette-Lancer XXX

"So..." Lancer drawled. "You work as an 'Enforcer', was it? And you travel the world, hunting people down and beating them senseless with your fists?"

Knowing that he would just get more aggravating if she didn't answer him – she'd tried, it was disturbing how much more annoying the Servant could still become – Bazette nodded curtly.

"Meet any interesting men?" He paused, looking thoughtful. "Or women?"

"No." She responded bluntly.

The Servant hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "Do you like the dashing rogue-type, or the scruffy-type, or the muscly-type?"

Bazette made a noise of loathing as she realized that the only way she'd be able to shut him up was with a Command Seal.

"Well, I suppose you might need examples to decide." Lancer admitted to himself. "Let's see, the classic bishounen, or some rugged-looking character from one of those detective stories, or one of those guys who're seriously built like a house?"

Understanding that her Servant wouldn't shut up about it, and that he'd know if she lied to him – she'd already tried doing so, and it, much like silence, only managed to make it worse – Bazette took a deep breath.

"Rough-looking." She gritted out through clenched teeth.

Lancer made a delighted noise. "You know, I know a guy who'd be fantastic for you." He grinned maniacally. "He's even pretty good with kids, if you ever wanna go that far."

Bazette made another noise of loathing. She was getting rather good at making them, to the point where they almost succeeded in properly showcasing just how much she absolutely abhorred everything that came crawling out of her idiotic Servant's mouth.

XXX Illyasviel-Assassin XXX

Assassin frowned softly as he continued to carry the small girl through the woods of the Einzbern estate.

The only thing he had to keep her warm with was the suit jacket that he'd already draped over her naked form, and even if his tracking had been improved through his Legend, it'd still take them quite a bit of time to finish hunting down all of the wolves that they'd been sent out to exterminate.

He couldn't let the girl walk on her own, because she'd hurt herself walking through the blister-inducing cold combined with the sharp edges of the frozen crust of snow covering everything around them. So, he was forced to carry her, which wasn't that much of a bother – she was quite small after all – but it meant that he lost the use of one of his arms when it came to attacking.

And his abilities lay in punching things, so that was a bit of a bother.

The task was most inconvenient, but hardly impossible.

The thing that made him frown was the fact that the task had been arranged in the manner which it had been at all, and what it meant for both his Master, his Master's family, and the world into which he'd been Summoned.

Still, he continued onwards, because he needed to get the small slip of a girl back into the relative warmth of the castle in which she lived.

XXX Sakura-Saber XXX

Sakura writhed in agony as the worms grew frenzied at the sudden pull on her od.

"Are you alright?" The voice was sudden, worried.

Sakura looked up, finding herself staring into the miss-matched eyes of the Servant whom she'd Summoned, as the girl carefully placed her hands on her shoulders.

And the writhing of the worms stopped.

They didn't suddenly still in that way they sometimes did when Zouken would command them to, that wary hungry stillness of a well-trained animal not approaching its food until given the go-ahead. No, instead they just stilled.

Frowning in confusion, Sakura found herself reaching into herself to see the reason for their sudden stillness.

And came up empty.

There was nothing there.

The worms that existed within her, did no longer exist.

They weren't dead, they hadn't been killed, they hadn't been extracted through pain and humiliation, they didn't linger within her flesh to rot away and destroy her from the inside.

They just weren't there anymore.

Sakura glanced down, to see if something similar had happened to the worms on the basement floor.

And found a circle that was completely empty of worms, in which they now both stood.

The Servant followed her gaze, and saw the worms.

"Gugh? Wha-?" She asked, disgusted at the shapes writhing in the darkness of the basement.

"What is the meaning of this? What have you done, Servant?" Zouken hissed.

And drew the Servant's attention to himself, in a way that made the Servant casually pull out a paper-fan and smack the old man over the head with it.

At which point, he too dissolved into nothingness.

"What?" The Servant stared at the spot where Zouken had stood, and then back at her paper-fan. "The hell?"

Which was the moment when Sakura threw herself around her Servant's neck and started sobbing, because she wasn't sure what else she could possibly do.

So Servant Saber remained standing stupidly with her paper-fan as a hysterical girl cried on her, in a basement filled with magical worms.

The sad thing was that it still wasn't the strangest day she'd ever had.

XXX [Unknown]-Caster XXX

The Command Seal was designed to protect the Master from the Servant in case it disapproved of being Summoned, or if it disliked following the rules set by the Master.

They were masterpieces, designed around the magic of absorption that the Makiri family had practiced before their magi bloodline withered away entirely.

But it could still be resisted, it could be fought against if the order was too far from what the victim of it perceived as acceptable.

So, if a Servant who possessed that willingness to resist an order – even if it was simply for the fact that anyone would dare presume to force her into slavery – would fight against it, then she might be able to negate a single Command before succumbing to her Master's wishes.

If that same Servant possessed an ability that allowed her to absorb magic however, the odds became twisted.

Caster was more than willing to drink the man dry, before leaving his flesh behind as she began her walk.

She was certain that this would prove entertaining, and since she no longer had to worry about having some annoying Master to try and force her hand, Caster decided to spice things up a bit.

There was still a Servant missing from the War, after all. And surely it would be entertaining to see what kind of Servant she could Summon through the rules laid down by the Grail-system, wouldn't it?

XXX Caster-Berserker XXX

So maybe she hadn't been able to Summon him sane, and maybe he was more than willing to attack her as he would've been to attack just about anyone, but that was mostly because he knew that she'd be able to survive it.

She might've grown a bit rusty over the years of her imprisonment, but she hadn't fallen so far as to be upstaged by her own apprentice.

So she smacked him around a bit whenever he tried to break loose from her so that he could go on a rampage and destroy everything in his path on his way to find the rest of the Servants.

She'd considered taking over the temple up on the mountain, before rejecting it as being too close to what she'd suffered during her time at that blasted school.

Which was why she walked, taking her enthusiastic Berserker along, as together they explored all of Fuyuki City.

It was almost like a date.

Except for the whole, mindless-monster-trying-to-kill-you-whenever-you-let-your-guard-down.

Or maybe that was what dates were like nowadays? Time did after all have a tendency to change things around in many interesting ways.

XXX

XXX Assassin vs Rider XXX

"Ah, a rematch?" Rider mused with a smile as she saw her old teacher.

"It seems like it, doesn't it?" Assassin agreed with a small smile. "And this time, I won't be hesitating."

"Ohoho, I'm looking forward to it, sensei." She grinned at him.

Illya frowned, not entirely happy at the thought that her Servant had at the implication that her Servant had at some point lost to Shirou's. But then, it was hard to imagine anything being able to survive the monstrous level of destruction that her Servant could level at an opponent.

Then the fighting began, and she was forced to reconsider that.

For all the power that Assassin could instantly aim against the other Servant, it didn't seem to be able to actually hit the other one at all.

Or rather, it seemed as if she was hit, except then she wasn't hit, and she kept appearing and reappearing all over the place in a way that made Illya's head hurt.

The two Servants finally broke off, staring each other down for a long moment.

Finally, Assassin chuckled. "I see, that watch of yours, it's tapping the Grail. That's how you can do it without the Tree."

Rider grinned cheerfully at him. "Ahaha, I guess I've been found out. As to be expected from sensei."

"Well, if that's the case, I suppose that I ought to go all out as well." Assassin concluded, smiling around his cigarette. "The world in one hand, myself in the other." Two spheres of energy appeared in his hands. "Combined." He brought the two hands together. "Kankaho."

After that, Illya stopped really seeing the match.

Not necessarily because of the sudden increase in speed as both combatants cut loose, but more due to the sheer amount of explosions that were suddenly making it hard to see much of anything.

It was a bit like standing in the middle of a tornado.

XXX Caster vs Saber XXX

"Oh. You again." Caster deadpanned, staring at the redheaded annoyance.

"What did you do the idiot?!" Saber demanded angrily.

Caster rolled her eyes. "Not much of anything, really. That's how he appeared."

Saber looked ready to argue about that, but then frowned slightly. "You-..." She paused again, seemingly turning something over in her head. "You Summoned him?"

Caster didn't flinch. She'd had far too much experience in life, politics, and battle, for her to flinch at a person deducing the truth from a rather obscure statement. No matter how much of an idiot said person was.

That, apparently, didn't stop the idiot in question from realizing that she'd guessed correctly.

Saber stared at her for a moment longer, before she started to snicker. "You had no clue he was going to be your Servant... and then you-..." She snickered again. "You spent all of your time wandering around town..." She tried desperately to keep a straight face. "As if you were going on a date...!" She finally gave up and simply collapsed, laughing.

Caster, very much ignoring the fact that her face was now a painfully obvious embarrassed red, glared at the annoying brat.

"Lic Lac La Lac Lilac." She began to chant.

Saber didn't seem to notice, too busy laughing herself silly to worry about her imminent demise at the hands of the enraged Servant.

Thankfully, despite this, she still had the instincts necessary to hastily dart away from the missile of ice that suddenly appeared where she'd been moments ago.

And then the battle started. Because... well, Caster kind of really wanted to kill Saber, and Saber kind of thought that that was a bit too harsh of a punishment for mocking the other girl's love-life.

XXX Lancer vs Berserker XXX

Lancer shook his head at the sight in front of him.

"You really are her student." He smiled slightly. "Ah, but this could get interesting."

Bazette's eyes darted between the two Servants, feeling oddly as if she ought to be as far away from this confrontation as possible. Preferably watching the whole thing from a well-guarded bunker on the other side of the planet.

Not that she was planning on doing so, mind you. She hadn't come as far as she had by being cowardly about things.

Berserker roared. And then he was behind Lancer, appearing in what looked almost like a discharge of lightning.

Bazette completely lost track of what was happening after that.

Lancer was chanting something, Berserker was roaring, Lancer aimed his staff, Berserker threw an identical staff like a spear, lightning danced around the whole block, things were randomly vaporized, and both Servants were bleeding all over the ground.

"Heh." Lancer grinned through the blood, staring at the younger man who looked so similar to himself. "You kind of remind me of your mother, when she got mad."

Then there was another roar, and the battle was on again.

XXX Archer vs Gilgamesh XXX

Gilgamesh glared at the pathetic excuse of a Servant. Some no-name magic-user of an age that could never compare to the splendid wonders of his own time.

Archer tilted his head. "Man, that flashback of yours is dull as hell." He made a disgusted face. "You don't even have any sexy women in it."

Gilgamesh – the King of Heroes, the man who'd owned all the treasures of the world, and the Servant whose legends are extremely lacking in regards to the female gender – glared at him. "What are you talking about, mongrel?"

Archer shook his head. "I mean, every proper story needs explosion and sex." He grinned, obviously losing himself in memories of his own, before returning to glare back at the King. "And all you've got is some 'defiance of gods' and 'seeking of immortality' and 'learning how to be a good king'. Man, that crap's boring as all hell! How did you manage to keep any readers without some fan-service?!" He demanded angrily.

That was the point at which Gilgamesh understood that reasoning with the non-human in front of him was pointless, and therefore decided to simply wipe him from the face of the world.

Unfortunately, whilst all of his Treasures were far more perfect than the swords of the pathetic Servant in front of him. The Servant had a lot of swords, and quite a few really really big swords.

And then Gilgamesh got sucker-punched.

Through his indestructible armor.

Because 'all you need is a little guts' is the kind of extremely broken catchphrase that only someone with an equally insane catchphrase could hope to compete with.

And Gilgamesh had been foolish enough not to take the time to charge up his Ultimate-Plus-One Spin-Sword of World Destruction.

"Negi Fever!"

Gilgamesh's world slipped away into blackness.

XXX Epilogue XXX

Kotomine Kirei sighed.

It was quite disappointing really.

An entire city, completely wiped off the map.

And yet, there hadn't been even a single casualty. Not a single one.

In fact, with the exception of the Servants who'd participated in the War, there had been only two deaths since the War had been initiated.

One, some unknown no-name magus that had apparently been massively unlucky in his Summoned Servant. And two, the ancient Matou Zouken.

It had been a 'flawless victory' for the heroic side of things, with the Grail being completely wiped out of existence by the impossibility that had been Saber's 'Magic Cancel'. Which meant that not only had the Holy Grail War been abandoned, since the Grail-system had disappeared, but that Kirei himself couldn't actually do anything about the disappointing conclusion of the whole thing.

It wasn't like his heart had been beating by its own power, over all these years.

And so he died.

His sins unknown, the lengths he'd gone to in order to awaken the Grail never to be found out.

It was such a frustratingly anti-climatic end.

Which was why he'd just spent his final breath on a disappointed sigh.

And really, he would've so enjoyed to see the faces of the Masters of the War, when the Clock Tower finally deigned to show its face. This had, after all, been one of the lamest cover-ups in a very long while.

Seriously? A random meteor-strike?

Those kids couldn't lie for shit.

XXX

XXX

XXX The Names XXX

Archer – Rakan
Assassin – Takamichi
Berserker – Negi
Caster – Evangeline
Lancer – Nagi
Rider – Chao
Saber – Asuna

XXX

A/n: I-... I honestly don't know where this came from. But it was just so epically bizarre that I couldn't help myself. So this happened.