Song Remains the Same
Chapter 7 / Alone With Everyone
"A brand new start and a goodbye. We fall apart just to come alive."
- Bebo Norman
Alex found herself alone in a gnawing, inescapable darkness. Claws swiped at her, invisible and fiery. She opened her mouth to scream for help, but nothing came out. Somewhere far away, she heard her brothers calling for her, but she was drowning and couldn't call back to them. She suddenly spotted Dean—impossibly far away. He saw her and reached across the distance—then was violently dragged away into nothingness, screaming. Mind clanging with alarm, Alex fought to get to him. She remained stuck in place. Overwhelming despair overcame her and she twisted, rolled, struggled against the dark creatures that tumbled around her. Boom, boom, boom. Sam was suddenly there within reach almost, but when he saw her plight, he just stared. Boom, boom, boom. Alex screamed out in silence, begging her brother to help her. Boom, boom, boom.
She heard herself gasp and her eyes flew open to see daylight and the familiar ceiling of Bobby's guest room. Her heart rate was skyrocketing and her breath was shallow and frantic. A dream. It was just a dream.
She began to calm when she realized it wasn't real.
Boom, boom, boom.
"Hey, I've been banging on this door for like five minutes!" Came a loud voice. "You asleep or what?!" Dean. Disoriented, Alex scrambled out of bed and pulled the door open, squinting at her oldest brother. "Yikes, ever heard of a hairbrush?" His good humor faded when he took in her expression. "...You all right?"
"Yeah. Fine. Bad dream." She rubbed her eye with the heel of her hand tiredly. That was the only problem with sleeping a whole night through: There were always nightmares.
Dean looked sympathetic and gave her arm an enthusiastic 'cheer up' whack. "Well, come on. Up and at 'em. We're hitting the road soon. Pack everything."
"Might take me awhile," Alex wisecracked. Yes, it was early, but never too early for sarcasm. She grabbed her duffel bag and slung it over a shoulder. She was already dressed except for shoes—she didn't own pajamas. "Ready when you are."
Dean hooked his arm around her neck, giving the top of her head a hard scrubbing with his knuckles. Alex protested the noogie with a halfhearted sound of protest. In the living room, Sam watched, separate and silent.
Later
Piled into the Impala, the Winchester family sped along toward a new destination. A few moments into the journey, Alex realized she was missing one vital piece of information. "Where we going, anyway?"
"West," Dean answered impassively. Hmm. Mysterious. After another minute, he glanced back at her in the rear view. "So, uh. Castiel came to me in a dream last night."
Alex raised a teasing eyebrow, jumping on the chance to rib her brother. "TMI." In the front seat sullen Sam even had to smile momentarily.
"Ha ha," Dean retorted after an eye roll. "I'm serious."
"Yeah? So what did Mr. Handcuffs have to say?"
Dean made a face. "A whole lot of self-righteous crap about how he's God's warrior. Oh yeah, and the apocalypse is nigh."
He suddenly had her full attention with that one. "Huh?" She hadn't thought about the prophecy of the witnesses since yesterday—she'd been too busy fuming about Sam.
"He said that Lilith's game is to break these seal things."
Alex frowned. "Wait. The seals from Revelations?"
"Hell if I know," Dean muttered. "Why?"
She hesitated. "It's just, I read the sparknotes on Revelations while doing the angel research..." Alex tried to remember exactly what she'd read. "And I remember these seals that were supposed to bring all this crazy hell on earth, Judgement Day crap if they got broken."
"Well, good ole Cas said there are sixty-six of these seals," Dean replied slowly. "Those ghosts yesterday were one of the seals. And my favorite part—if they all get broken, Lucifer is coming to town."
"What?" Alex sat forward in the back seat so that her head was between the brothers. "Lucifer? Lucifer. The devil. Satan."
"That's the one," Dean confirmed.
From their grim expressions, Alex got the feeling her brothers were both already on board with the theory. Alex was a little blindsided and disgruntled. The theory seemed pretty out there. "And... you're just buying it?"
Dean's knuckles whitened on the steering wheel. "Yeah. Yeah, guess I am."
That was a lot to take in. "Sam?" Alex asked after a couple beats.
He barely looked at her. "I mean, yeah, I believe it. It's too crazy not to be true."
Alex sank back into her seat, unsettled and suddenly very overwhelmed. This changed so much. "...Well what are we supposed to do? Why'd Castiel tell you all that?"
Dean let out a heavy breath. "Cas has a bad habit of disappearing before I can get a straight answer from him." Shaking his head, Dean avoided her pointed gaze in the rear view. "He seems to want me for something. Just dunno if I can trust the guy."
Alex studied the side of Dean's brooding face. She didn't know if they could trust him either.
Late That Night
Willow Tree Motel
While driving all day long, the siblings had remained mostly silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Sam had mostly stared out the window and intermittently complained about Dean's music choices. Alex had added a little to Dad's journal—angels required a lengthy if unfinished, entry. There was still a lot they didn't know and might never know. Alex had then spaced out into mulling over Castiel's brief appearances. She contemplated his stilted mannerisms, the flashing light and his dark shadowed wings—and, of course, the whole handcuffing thing. The way he'd touched her when he healed her. Those blue eyes her mind couldn't forget. His words to Dean about the apocalypse were troubling. If it was true, this was bigger than anything they had faced before... and they were facing it as a dysfunctional family unit.
The whole thing couldn't be real... that was the thought she kept coming back to. Because it made zero sense to her: God wanting Dean for some kind of heavenly mission… God ordering protection over her of all people… and an impending apocalypse? Alex had only become more and more troubled as the hours passed.
After arriving to the motel and settling in, Alex and Sam had exchanged short, necessary conversation (stuff like "you wanna shower first?" and "which bed you want?"). Dean had halfheartedly told them to "quit being bitches" and then turned in, either fed up or exhausted. Maybe both. Sam hunched over his laptop at the table and ignored his sister. After moments of excruciating silence in which Alex only became more and more pissed thinking about her twin and yesterday's fight, she grabbed her jacket and left for a walk. She was tired of holding still, and just being in close proximity to Sam was proving too much to deal with.
The night air was chilly, numbing her nose and cheeks. She walked next to the main road then picked a spot and stopped to sightlessly watch cars pass. She wondered about the drivers and occupants of each vehicle. These normal people with normal lives and worries she'd never had: Paying taxes... planning Christmas parties... deciding what new diet to try. All while she was worried about the goddamn apocalypse. One of her brothers might be taken by God, and that the other one would rather side with a demon than his own sister.
There was suddenly a strange feeling that she was being watched, and Alex looked around quickly, trying to locate a watcher. But there was no one. Old paranoia, she reasoned, and brushed the feeling away.
After a while, she returned to find the motel room dark and Sam in bed, seemingly asleep. She crawled into her bed, not discarding her jacket or shoes and skipping a blanket. When on the road or on a job, she always slept like that. She laid still, wide awake. She listened to Dean's deep sleep breathing, which could almost be called snoring—it was a sound she easily cherished hearing again. Usually, the rhythmic wheezing breaths helped lull her to sleep. Not that night. An hour or more passed and Alex cursed herself for not being able to fall asleep.
That was when she heard the springs squeak on Sam's bed next to her, like he had gotten up. Alex tensed, her pulse picking up. She pretended to be asleep—please, Sam, just be going to the bathroom—and waited with bated breath as his soft footsteps slowly stole toward the door. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she listened as the door opened softly and clicked shut. Opening one eye to confirm he really had left, Alex quietly got up and slipped over to the window to watch as he rounded the corner outside. Again, he kept throwing glances around like the last time he'd snuck out. Goddammit, Sam. With an aggravated sigh, Alex slipped out the door too. Keeping to the side of the building, she followed Sam at a concealable distance to the back corner of the motel. He walked past the Impala without a second glance, further mystifying Alex. Where the hell was he going? She stayed behind the parked cars, crouching low to avoid being spotted. Sam neared the end of the building, where a parked car idled.
Alex hid behind a Mustang and peered over the hood. Sam got into the car and as it pulled away, Alex could see the driver in a flash of light from the motel sign. She recognized the driver as the woman from the motel the day that Dean had come back. Confused, she watched the car pull into the main road and speed away. Who was that, and why was Sam sneaking out to go somewhere with her? And then, suddenly, in light of yesterday's confession from Sam, cold realization dawned. Ruby. It had to be Ruby. Alex couldn't move for a few minutes, the reality of the betrayal and the lies sinking in. What the hell was Sam doing? Had he been sneaking off to see her that other night, too? She shook herself and hurried back to the room in a severely upset state of mind. She was gonna wake Dean up and they would get to the bottom of this. Tonight. Alex burst back into the hotel room, expecting to find Dean still sleeping. But instead, she found something very different. Dean was up, and Castiel was there.
The sight of the angel in the trench coat startled her, putting her on guard immediately. The last time she'd seen him, he'd handcuffed her to a damn gun rack. "Hello, Alex."
His husky voice was deeper than she remembered it being and she shrank to Dean's side. Alex studied the angel doubtfully, unsure what to make of his unexpected presence. When she looked at Dean, she could see that he was shaken up. From the two men's expressions and tense body language, Alex realized she had walked in on something important. "What's going on?" She kept her voice hard to disguise how her nerves fluttered with dread.
"Oh, he just popped in for a quick trip back to the future," Dean said sourly.
Alex looked at Dean with a disgruntled frown. What did that mean?
"I'm here because of Sam," Castiel said to Alex grimly. Her stomach dropped. Was she imagining it, or did Castiel look almost sympathetic? He turned his attention back to Dean, seeming to pick up where he'd left off before Alex had interrupted. "We know what Azazel did to your brother. What we don't know is why—what his endgame is. He went to great lengths to cover that up."
Alex's blood had gone cold at the mention of that name. Azazel. "Wait... what's he talking about?" She looked at her brother urgently.
Dean appeared loathe to explain and shot a testy glance at Cas before he sighed and explained it to Alex tersely. "Demon blood. Okay? He dripped freakin' demon blood into Sam's mouth the night of the fire." Her face went slack. Horrified, Alex looked at Castiel speechlessly.
The angel had already been looking at her. "For unknown reasons, he did not do the same to you."
"No, he just took away her ability to speak," Dean retorted bitterly. Castiel's gaze faltered.
Alex's stomach jolted in sick surprise as it clicked. That had always been the theory—but there had never been any reason as to why Azazel would have done such a thing. Adding insult to injury, Yellow Eyes had neither confirmed nor denied it when Dean had demanded to know. He'd only laughed. After Dean killed the demon, Alex had still been mute. But months after he died, her voice had returned out of nowhere. One of their theories had been that Azazel's death had broken some spell. But now they'd probably never know.
Dean was fired up and looking ready to kill someone. "Okay Cas, where's Sam?"
"He's headed to four-twenty-five Waterman."
Alex swallowed, steeling herself for Dean's reaction, because she knew something Dean didn't. "And, uh, Dean—I'm pretty sure he's with Ruby."
Dean's expression was momentarily aghast. "But he said—"
"He lied," Alex said darkly, her resentment bitter on her tongue.
Dean muttered something and grabbed his keys, heading for the door. His shadow, Alex was right behind him.
Castiel remained stock still. "Your brother is headed down a dangerous road, Dean and Alex. Even we're not sure where it leads. So stop it." His gaze was chilling, his threat made clear: "Or we will." And then he was gone. Alex stared at the spot he'd been standing in, and she felt absolute dread to the point of physical illness.
"Come on," Dean said to Alex. There was murder in his voice. Even the way he walked was angry.
They exited the room together, Alex on his heels. "Okay, what just happened back there while I was gone for all of two minutes?" she demanded, doubling her stride to keep up with her brother.
"Time travel," Dean said tersely as he unlocked his door.
Alex paused and looking at him across the top of the car like he was crazy. "Are... you high?"
Dean became rueful. "Man, I wish I were."
The Impala flew down the road in the darkness of night as a stunned Alex took in everything Dean had just told her—Castiel's appearance, time travel back to 1973, meeting Mom and Dad... all under Castiel's command to 'stop it'—and by 'it,' he'd meant the nursery fire.
Alex shook her head blankly as she processed. "So he let you see all of that and try to stop it... and then said you couldn't have changed it anyway?"
"Yeah." Dean's mouth was in a thin, cynical line. "Effed up, right?"
"Majorly." Stumped, Alex wracked her brain even as she felt keen sympathy and frustration for what Dean had to endure. "Why make you do that if he knew it wouldn't work? I don't get angel logic."
"Yeah, me either, but that's beside the point. You need to tell me how the hell Sam can be with Ruby. She died." Dean punched the gas, running a red light haphazardly.
Alex gripped her seat with both hands. "Dunno. Makes no sense. I overheard Meg's ghost yesterday talking to Sam about what he was 'doing with Ruby.' I confronted him and he lied about everything. Everything. And then when I called him on his crap, he admitted that he'd been working with her until a month ago, trying to find a way to get you back." Her face twisted. "I should've known that was a lie, too."
Dean let out a very heavy breath through his nose, his hand gripping the steering wheel like a vice. His patience was thin. "Wanna explain why you didn't tell me about this?"
This was usually when she'd get defensive. But Alex didn't have the ego in the moment to pull that off. She was overcome with huge, unbearable heartache thinking of her twin brother. Her voice stayed soft. Pained. "He... said he wanted to tell you. I know I should've told you... but I wanted to give him a chance first." She barely kept her voice from cracking as she looked at her oldest brother. "Dean... what the hell happened to him?"
Uncharacteristically vulnerable, Dean's jaw clenched and unclenched. "I don't know if I wanna know." He cleared his throat, slowing down. "Think this is it."
An old processing plant looked up ahead, by all appearances abandoned. Dean switched off the headlights and coasted a bit closer, then pulled over and popped the trunk. He extracted the demon blade and studied it with great intensity as Alex stood back grimly. Dean silently slid the knife into his pocket and jerked his head toward the building, indicating that he was ready. Alex checked her pistol and racked the slide, then tucked the weapon into her waistband. She nodded, expression drawn. Then they moved forward in silence.
425 Waterman was the kind of place they frequented—a decrepit old building in a rundown part of town. Under the cover of night, it was easy to slip up to the structure undetected. Following the sound of voices—two unfamiliar and one familiar—Dean and Alex were soon able to make out three figures inside one of the rooms through a metal grate.
Sam towered over a man who was tied to a chair. Beneath it, a crudely drawn devil's trap painted the floor. "Where's Lilith?" Sam demanded roughly.
"Kiss my ass," the man replied. His eyes went black.
Sam sounded almost amused. "I'd watch myself if I were you."
"Why? Huh? Because you're Sam Winchester, Mr. Big Hero? And yet here you are, sluttin' around with some demon." The man grinned at the woman, who watched while leaned against the wall with crossed arms, giving off casual energy. "Real hero," the captive demon cackled, looking back at Sam.
"Shut your mouth." Sam tried to sound confident. Instead, he just sounded like he was about to lose it. Next to Alex, Dean looked like he was seeing red. Wordlessly, Alex put a light hand on his chest, cautioning him against charging in. He needed to stay focused.
The demon smirked. "Tell me about those months without your brother or sister around to boss you around. Tell me about all the things you and this demon bitch do in the dark." He grinned wickedly before his expression fell hard. Sam raised his hand, slowly and steadily, his expression intense. The demon lost his bravado, beginning to cough, and suddenly thick black smoke began to pour out of his mouth. Sam's hand trembled and face worked hard with effort.
Alex gaped, horrified and awed at the same time as she understood what she was seeing. She looked at Dean, whose wide eyes stared back at her in full alarm. Their worst fears were true. The demon screamed, collapsing as the last of the black smoke disappeared. The human host coughed weakly.
"You follow my lead, Alex, hear me?" Dean hissed, then gave her no time to reply. He was already on his way in, murderous. With no choice, Alex hesitated, then followed after.
Sam froze as Dean barged into the scene and demanded answers. "The hell are you doing!"
Caught in headlights, Sam fumbled. "Okay guys, just hold on, okay? Just let me—"
"You gonna say, 'let me explain'? You're gonna explain this?" Dean all but roared, gesturing broadly. "You're here with Ruby, who you said was dead—doing what you told me you had stopped doing." He looked like he could spit. "Yeah, explain that please, to the whole damn class."
Sam didn't know how to respond, but Ruby, smiling evenly at the newcomers, stepped forward. She looked different than she had in her last body—she was now a brunette with dark wide eyes and a pleasant, pretty face. "It's good to see you two again," she greeted.
It wasn't much but it was heartfelt: "Fuck you," Alex snapped, joining Dean at his side. It felt like things were keying up toward an altercation.
"That's really Ruby?" Dean demanded of Sam. He didn't respond. Ruby's smile had faded at the murderous look in the oldest Winchester's eyes. Then Dean lunged forward, shoving Ruby up against the wall even as he whipped out the demon blade.
Sam grabbed his brother's wrist, shouting, "Don't!" even as Alex attempted to intervene. The knife clattered to the floor and Dean used momentum to throw Sam up against a wall, letting Ruby go. Alex was already snapping up the knife off the floor then attacking Ruby, who had made for the knife as well. A wild uncontrolled slash missed its mark and Ruby slammed into Alex hard, attempting to barrel her over. Both women tumbled to the ground fighting viciously, Alex trying to bring the blade down on Ruby, Ruby just barely holding her off. Sam let go of Dean and lunged at Alex, pulling her off Ruby and yanking her back. The knife again went clattering to the ground.
"Let go of me!" Alex shouted furiously, struggling valiantly against Sam's iron grip. Ruby now had the demon blade and began eyeing Dean with a lethal expression.
"Drop the knife, Ruby," Sam said commandingly, still restraining his angry twin. Ruby glared at him defiantly, making him wait. Then she did as he said and dropped the knife.
"Well, aren't you an obedient little bitch?" Dean asked mockingly. The demon glared daggers at Dean who gave Sam a dangerous glare. "Let her go. Now, Sam!"
Sam did, and Alex angrily yanked away from him and stalked off, meeting Dean's gaze briefly. This hadn't turned out in their favor. Sam glanced at Alex apologetically, then turned his attention to Ruby, indicating the man who was possessed earlier. "Ruby, he's hurt. Go."
Ruby gave Dean another look and helped the dazed man up, hauling one of his arms over her shoulders. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" Dean asked.
"The emergency room," Ruby retorted with vast attitude. "Unless you wanna go another round first?" With that she left, and Dean proceeded to give Sam a severely dirty look. Alex watched in angry confusion. What the actual hell is going on here?
"You good?" Dean asked Alex under his breath, not taking his eyes off Sam for a second. Alex picked up the demon blade once more.
"Fucking great," she muttered in a way that was meant to make Sam feel bad. It worked.
"Let's get outta here," Dean said, already turning away and ignoring Sam's anxious, questioning look.
"Dean—" Sam implored. Dean didn't turn back. He just walked out the way he'd come in. Sam's voice got more desperate as Alex neared the doorway. "Alex!"
She whirled angrily, the knife still in her hand. "What?!"
"Look, if you'll just hear me out—" He came a couple steps closer imploringly.
Alex shook her head, trying not to let her more vulnerable state show. But she couldn't summon the shield of anger anymore. It was all heartbreak. She pointed at him using the knife. "I thought I could trust you, Sam!" His face twisted in remorse and shame and his eyes fell away from hers. Alex felt a tear roll out onto her cheek. She had lost Sam. She didn't understand him at all anymore. He had clearly chosen where he wanted to be—and that was with a demon.
Sam said nothing. His guilty eyes refused to meet hers.
With nothing else left to say, Alex turned and followed her oldest brother out of the building as her heart broke painfully.
Later
After second guessing himself and trying to think of how to explain everything, Sam finally returned on foot to the motel room only to find it empty. He waited into the morning, at first upset to the point of feeling physically sick, then angry and vilified, then guilt-riddled and confused. Finally, around nine in the morning, he heard the familiar grumble of the Impala. He swallowed nervously. Time for round two of Dean and Alex's wrath.
Dean swept in alone, ignoring Sam. He began to stuff shirts into his duffel bag wordlessly. Sam's stomach twisted. "Dean, what are you doing?" Dean didn't answer. Sam tried again. "Where's Alex?"
"Right here." He turned to see her standing in the doorway, arms crossed. She looked like she hadn't had any sleep. Her expression was stony.
With rising dismay, Sam tried to figure out what was happening. "What, are you, are you leaving?"
Refusing to make eye contact, Dean finished shoving things into his bag. "You don't need us," he said coldly. "You and Ruby go fight demons. Real fuckin' heroes." He churlishly grabbed the bag and started for the door, only to have Sam physically block his way.
"Hold on—Dean, come on, man!"
Without warning, Dean hauled off and socked Sam in the jaw, the force sending Sam whirling and the act shocking Sam. Hurting him deeply past the physical. Reeling temporarily, Sam turned back, wincing. "You satisfied?" In reply, Dean again punched him in the jaw, this time drawing blood. Sam panted, recovered, swallowed. "Guess not." Sam touched his split lip and looking at Alex, who was still at the door, but she no longer looked stony. Now she was worried. "You gonna hit me, too?" Sam asked, full of self-pity and feelings of betrayal. His only reply was her face working ever so quietly to contain her feelings.
Dean got in Sam's face, blocking his view of his sister. "Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?"
Sam held his hands out defensively. "I'm just exorcising demons!"
"With your mind!" Dean yelled. He took a pause, trying to calm himself. "What else can you do?"
"I can send them back to hell!" Sam said, trying to get his brother to see his side for once. "It only works with demons, and that's it!"
Clearly not convinced and even more pissed off than before, Dean grabbed a hold of his brother and pushed him backwards violently. "What else can you do?!"
"I told you!" Sam protested emphatically. Dean looked like he might punch Sam again.
Alex had crossed into the room and was now gripping Dean's shoulder tightly, her expression fierce. "Hey—cool it." Dean jerked back from her hand, but took her suggestion to heart and retreated slightly.
Sam looked at his twin reluctantly. She was distrustful, arms crossed again. He remembered when they had been so close as kids. He had told her everything. Now, they were sometimes more like strangers. He didn't know when it had happened. All he knew was that it broke his heart. "Look, I should have said something," he said, feeling pathetic and low. She made no reply, merely regarding him with all the hurt she felt. That was somehow worse. "I'm sorry. I am," he said honestly, begging her: "But try to see the other side here."
Dean, who had been standing with his back to them, incredulously turned around. "The other side?"
"I'm pulling demons out of innocent people," Sam insisted, not sure why Dean couldn't see the staggering positivity of that fact.
"Use the knife!" Dean's voice yet again raised almost to an exasperated yell.
"The knife kills the victim!" Sam protested, almost yelling now too. "What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year, Dean!"
"That what Ruby wants you to think?" Dean asked. "Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers?" He shook his head. "This is a slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends."
"I'm not gonna let it go too far," Sam insisted vehemently.
Dean chuckled humorlessly, and then without warning he flew into a fit of rage and hit the lamp on the nearby table, sending it crashing into the wall. The twins winced in unison as Dean took over the room like a raging storm. "It's already gone too far, Sam!" His next statement hit them all like a ton of bricks. "If I didn't know you... I would wanna hunt you!"
The room went dead silent when he said that. Sam's eyes glinted with tears, and he nodded while looking down. Alex had shrunk back slightly at Dean's outburst and had horrified tears in her eyes, too.
Sam shook his head, looking at his big brother pleadingly. "W-what was I supposed to do?" he implored. "You were gone. I was here."
There was a wounded silence. "I was here, too," Alex reminded him quietly, voice wavering with emotion. "And you go and decide this was what you wanted? That you'd rather work with a demon than your own sister?"
Sam hadn't really thought of it like that, and the pain in his twin's eyes killed him. He searched for the right words. "It wasn't like that, I just—you weren't on board with bringing Dean back and… that's all I could live for anymore." His hazel eyes flickered with guilt. "I knew you wouldn't approve." His face was a mask of pain. "But what I'm doing... it works."
Alex shook her head mournfully, unable to agree.
Dean, whose face was scrunched in an unreadable expression, approached Sam again. "Yeah so if it's so damn terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me? To Alex? Why'd you hide it all this time?"
Sam looked down, guilty.
"Because you know it's wrong," Alex supplied when he said nothing.
Sam felt unbearably small. "It's not normal, no, but I mean, is it really wrong?"
Dean smiled tightly, more of a grimace than anything else. "Well why else would an angel tell me to stop you?"
Sam's face fell. "…What?"
"Cas said if we didn't stop you... he would." Dean let that hang in the air, and Sam helplessly seemed to begin to get the significance of it. Dean stayed on his soapbox. "See, I take that as meaning that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?"
Sam, the picture of turmoil, looked between his brother and sister with a torn expression.
Alex was the one who tried to bridge the gap. "Sam, please. It's not too late. Is it? You can stop. Right?" She sounded lost.
Sam looked at her long, considering. And then suddenly his phone rang, jarring all of them. He scrambled to pull it out of his pocket, clearing his throat and answering, glad for a distraction. "Hey, Travis. Yeah, hey." He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to collect himself. "It's good to hear your voice, too, yeah. Um, look, it's not a really good time right now. It's—" he paused. "Yeah, okay. Uh, well, just give me the details, and, uh…" Sam went to the bedside table and grabbed a notepad, jotting down a few words. Alex looked at Dean, whose expression was so many things—angry, hurt, sad. He saw her gaze and he looked away, shaking his head.
"Yeah, okay, thanks Travis. Bye." Sam put his phone down and looked at Dean, then Alex. "Travis has a lead in Missouri." He looked down, his jaw working oddly. "Listen, I know you guys have no reason to trust me or to let me come along, but—"
Dean grabbed his duffel off the floor, his face a mask. "Just shut up and let's go."
They made good time to Carthage, Missouri—about eight hours of driving nonstop. Dean told Sam about Castiel taking him into the past, and for a few moments as Dean told them about how young and full of life their parents had been, there was peace. Of course, when Sam slipped up and mentioned Azazel dripping demon blood into his mouth without Dean or Alex mentioning it to him… yet another fight followed. Sam said he was sorry, Dean retorted that Sam had been saying that a lot lately, and more stony silence settled over the car.
When they got to Carthage, they looked up Jack Montgomery, the lead Travis had given them. They found Jack eating raw ground beef out of his refrigerator and acting erratically. After witnessing that, they met up with Travis, who was an old friend of Dad's. Alex remembered seeing him once or twice, but it had been a long time ago. Travis complimented the Winchesters, saying their dad would have been proud of them for sticking together, then he oohed and aahed over Alex's voice, embarrassing her thoroughly. He then sat the siblings down and told them that Jack Montgomery was a Rugaru—a monster that manifested in the subject's mid-thirties and would wreak murderous havoc on everyone around him if and when he gave into the desire to eat humans. The Winchesters parted ways with Travis feeling less hungry than they had before.
The Next Day
"All right, so we're gonna go have a little chat with this guy, and see where he's at," Dean was saying as they drove down the road, heading back to Jack's. Dean looked at Sam pointedly. "But I just wanna make sure, if push comes, you're gonna shove."
Sam was hard to read. "Meaning?"
"Well, odds are we're gonna have to burn this guy alive," Dean said, referring back to Travis's information share: The only way to kill Rugaru was with fire.
"This guy has a name and a wife," Sam replied intensely. Alex drew in a deep breath. She could already hear the fight brewing and didn't think she could take another one.
"Yeah, who we're probably gonna make a widow, okay? I mean, you heard Travis. He's gonna turn. They always turn."
"Well, maybe he won't. Maybe he can fight it off," Sam countered.
"And maybe he can't, that's all I'm saying."
Sam grew increasingly agitated. "All right, we'll just have to see then, okay?" He made a face. "And why aren't you asking Alex if she's gonna shove?"
"Because I know what she'd do," Dean answered with zero hesitation. He sent his brother a dark glance. "Come on, Sam. You're side-railing. You sure your emotions aren't getting in the way here?"
Defensive, Sam glowered. "What are you talking about?"
"You know, nice dude, but he's got something evil inside? Something in his blood? Maybe you can relate."
Even Alex had to look up at that comment. Ouch. Sam was silent, then with eerie calm he said, "Stop the car."
"What?"
"Stop the car or I will!" Sam repeated, forceful this time. Dean scoffed and pulled over, but even before he had completely stopped, Sam was getting out, slamming his door with gusto. He marched off by several steps, clearly trying to calm down. Dean followed him after throwing the car into park, and Alex got out too but hung back closer to the car.
Sam whirled around to face Dean wrathfully. "You wanna know why I've been lying to you, Dean? Because of crap like this!"
"Like what?" Dean was ready to fight.
"The way you talk to me, the way you both look at me like I'm a freak!"
"I do not," Dean replied lamely.
"You know, or even worse, like I'm an idiot!" Sam pointed an accusing finger at Alex, his voice raising more and more. "Like I don't know the difference between right and wrong!"
"Well do you?" Alex asked, no longer leaning against the car. She was being drawn into the argument like a moth to a flame.
"Neither of you have a clue what I'm going through," Sam said bitterly. "None."
That triggered an outburst in Alex. "Well how would I?! You've been gone the past four months! By your own choice! So don't lecture me about what you're going through, 'cause you're not the only one going through shit right now!"
Sam got a self-righteous, joyless smile on his face. "Oh please, Alex, don't act like the victim here."
"Oh I'm the victim?" Alex got more pissed off by the second. "When that's all you've done the past few days?! Acting like someone held a gun to your head and made you go screw around with psychic demon mind powers."
Sam scoffed in disgust. "You don't even try to understand my point of view!"
Cold and challenging, Alex called him out. "The one where it's okay to lie to your family and mess around with evil for kicks?"
Sam huffed as his voice darkened dangerously. "You know what, Alex—"
"Sam don't," Dean interjected faintly.
Sam whipped his head sidelong and then bore down on Dean without warning, his temper getting the better of him. "Stop telling me what to do Dean!" By all appearances, it looked like Sam was about to hit his brother. Dean's expression darkened as he got ready for a showdown.
And then Alex grabbed Sam by the sleeve of the jacket and yanked hard. "Stop it!" She wedged herself between her brothers, a palm hitting either of their chests to keep them apart. And they stopped when she did that—not because she was strong enough to hold them apart, but because of the look on her face and maybe the realization of what was happening. Still, they glared daggers at each other, breathing heavily, and Alex shoved them both at the same time. "Just stop!" Her face was haggard with furious disbelief and after a couple seconds, both brothers backed off. Alex's emotions only kept climbing upward though as anger and bitterness she'd locked away finally burst out. "What is wrong with us?" She looked like she was going to cry or scream or shoot someone. "The three of us are the most—" she held her hands on either side of her head, "fucked up excuse for a family—I'm sick of it! All we do is fight each other and lie to each other—I mean, we can't even stand to be around each other! Why are we even doing this? Huh?! 'Cause Dad would have wanted it?" She let silence span for a few beats, then looked at Sam and jabbed her pointer finger at him. "Sam if you don't want to be here, don't be here! It's that simple."
"Come on, Alex. We're family. No one's leaving." Dean said. Alex looked at him insolently and he gave her a lecturing glare. "I am not letting this family fall apart."
"We already have, Dean," Sam said furiously. "And you know what, I'm tired of being the odd man out."
Dean looked like he had never heard anything more ridiculous. "What are you talking about?"
"You—" Sam poked a finger at Dean, "have always taken her side, every time! You two wanna act all high and mighty, like you've never messed up."
"Well I don't recall either of us ever, you know, using our freakin' minds to exorcise demons!" Dean snapped.
Sam shook his head suddenly arriving to a total loss. "Why am I even here right now? I can tell when I'm not wanted. Have it your way. Go hunt together without stupid old Sam weighing you down."
Dean rolled his eyes. "Oh come on Sam. You're gonna try to make this look like we're ganging up on you?"
Sam exploded. "You are! You've both made up your minds that I'm the bad guy without even having all the facts!"
"Which are?" Dean asked, arms crossed.
"I've got demon blood in me!" Sam shouted. "This disease is pumping through my veins, and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean! I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this—this curse... and make something good out of it." He breathed deeply, taking a second to calm himself. "Because I have to."
His outburst hadn't fallen on deaf ears, and Alex could hear the fear he was holding onto. She appealed to him the only way she knew how, because she saw what he was saying, but she also saw a bigger problem. "Listen, Sam... yeah you've saved some people, but at what cost?" She studied him for a moment, filled with sudden worry. "We don't know what this is doing to you." She paused, growing dour. "Only what it's doing to this sorry excuse for a family."
Sam bristled at that statement. "Last time I checked it took more than one person to make a family work."
Alex stared at him stormily, then shook her head and gave up, turning away.
Dean threw his hands in the air, dumbstruck. "Okay—before I died, you guys fought… but this is a whole new level of screwed. You two wanna tell me why you can't look at each other anymore? Why the kids who used to be inseparable are... this?" He gestured vaguely with his hands.
Alex looked at her twin sidelong from underneath her lashes. She didn't know how to fix this. Sam shrugged grimly, speaking for them both. "Dunno what to tell you, Dean. Times change."
Dean looked less than pleased, his jaw clenching tightly. "Apparently." After a moment, he jerked his thumb at the Impala. "Look, let's just go talk to Jack."
Alex looked at Dean in disbelief and anger. Were they really going to just drop this whole thing? Sam seemed to be thinking the same thing she was, but after a moment of deliberation, he gave a small, brusque nod. Alex wordlessly watched her brothers get into the car. Without a choice, she did too, but not happily.
They parked beside the Montgomery residence after the silent ten-minute drive. "I'll do the talking," Dean said gruffly, looking back at Alex. She hadn't moved a muscle. "What, you're not coming?"
She shot him a sharp look. "No."
"Suit yourself," he muttered. He and Sam got out of the car, slamming each door a little harder than necessary. Alex watched their retreating forms and sank down into the seat, glad to finally be alone. The silence was better now. It wasn't so heavy and tense to the point of cracking her in half. She stewed for a few minutes, halfheartedly looking around at the neighborhood they were in. It was upper middle class... beautiful new homes with manicured lawns and pretty mailboxes and nice cars parked in the driveways. The definition of normal.
Across the street, a middle-aged man polished a motorcycle in his garage, lovingly shining the chrome details. It was vintage Harley with black trim. Alex gazed longingly at the bike. She could ride that thing forever, until the roads themselves ended. Away from the fighting, away from the apocalypse. Or at least away from all the suffocating anger and strife that hung over this family. She began wondering if Dean and Sam might get along without her presence. Maybe they wouldn't suffer from the third wheel vibe she knew that she brought to the mix. She leaned against the window, chin in her hand, staring at the motorcycle.
Presently, a woman came to the garage door and beckoned the man inside with a pitcher of iced tea. The man wiped his forehead and went inside, leaving the bike unattended.
Alex's heart rate picked up just slightly, the opportunity of the situation striking her. She looked back toward where her brothers had just gone then immediately berated herself. No. She couldn't leave them—especially not right now. It was too selfish, not to mention absurd—Dean had been dead not long ago. Now she was considering running away? She'd never done so before. Hell. Maybe I should do something crazy. Alex thought back to the last couple days. The angry words, the accusations, the oppressive environment, the growing stress. Alex's eyes wandered back toward the garage where the motorcycle waited, beckoning to her, promising escape from it all. She swallowed. Alex Winchester was many things: a pessimist, easily upset and overwhelmed, a textbook overthinker, and loyal to a chosen few past what felt healthy sometimes. Throughout life, she had learned to hang in with situations that were not safe or good. And in most cases, she would never have done what she did that day. But when she thought about the dizzying inventory of current problems: Sam, Dean, angels, demons, the supposedly oncoming apocalypse… Alex found herself ripping a blank piece of paper out of a notebook as she decided to hell with everything.
About five minutes later, Dean and Sam returned to the empty Impala.
On the middle seat, there was a sheet of paper bearing Alex's neat, familiar handwriting:
Need some time.
Don't come after me. Already far away.
Find you in a couple weeks.
— A