Song Remains the Same
Chapter 11 / Wicked Games
"Don't get too close, it's dark inside."
- Imagine Dragons
One Week Later
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Alex paced the front porch of Bobby's house with increasing agitation. She couldn't find an end to the stuff currently pissing her off.
The fact that Ruby was here at Bobby's house was enough to send Alex through the roof, but oh no, there was more... earlier that week Sam came clean about his questionable relationship with the demon—with all the shocking, R-rated details. The demon's smug smiles and attitude were the icing on the cake and Alex was all but ready to knife the bitch. Too bad the demon blade had been stolen recently.
She huffed as she turned on her heel, pacing the length of the porch once more in the bitter cold of night. The urge to punch something was strong, but Alex instead clenched her fists and muttered obscenities under her breath.
Ruby's presence wasn't the only thing. There was also Anna, a girl who could hear angels. They'd picked her up a couple days ago (at Ruby's insistence), and her presence had since caused major problems. Demons were after her and so were angels... and the Winchesters already had been involved in confrontations from both sides. The demons had attacked them in a church, and then the halos had tracked them down to a hunting cabin. Anna herself was a fallen angel. They had discovered this earlier that very day. She'd discarded her 'Grace' (the thing that made her an angel) years ago in order to become human. It made very little sense to Alex. But when Castiel and Uriel had showed up insisting Anna needed to die, things had really gotten bad.
These angels were really starting to fuck shit up.
Alex didn't understand Castiel's role in the bigger picture. She had been starting to think he wasn't so bad, especially after her encounter with him in her amusement park dream. But now, yet again, she wasn't sure who Castiel was or the agenda he was playing at. From what she'd observed, he seemed to be two different angels: the intriguing, curious Castiel she glimpsed in small, private moments when it was the two of them; and then the Castiel who was frightening and robotic.
"Cas, please—" Sam begged, trying to appeal to Castiel's sensibility. He stood between Castiel and the door to the bathroom where Anna hid. But without hesitation, Castiel touched a finger to Sam's head, crumpling him to the ground, unconscious. Alex darted over to stand between Cas and the door. She felt very small under his fierce gaze. He looked murderous. Not like the gentle and reflective Cas who had come to her in a dream.
"Get out of the way, Alex." His words sounded deadly. But he made no move to touch her.
Alex stared at him in confused defiance. Was he really gonna knock her out, too? "Or what?" she challenged, hedging her bets despite being petrified. His expression showed something strange when she stood her ground. But he never had a chance to reply. The angels had both disappeared in an abrupt and blinding flash of light accompanied by a sound like mighty wind. A few minutes later, it was revealed that Anna blew the angels away to the four corners of the earth—a warding trick that she'd remembered from her angel days.
The memory bothered her. It made no sense: why would Cas be kind to her and then so merciless towards others? Was he a mindless machine—a hammer, as Dean had put it—or was he something else?
Alex gave up on pacing and went inside to check and see what Sam had found—their current plan was to get Anna's Grace back. Once they could find it, she could reclaim her powers and be capable of protecting herself… and the group, too.
In Bobby's study, Sam hunched over a bunch of books and his laptop. Ruby hung back and eyed Alex darkly as she entered. Ugh. Alex ignored her purposefully and leaned over the desk, peering down at the screen over her twin's massive shoulder. "Find anything?"
"Maybe…" Sam acknowledged her with a glance. "In March of eighty-five, a meteorite vanished in the night sky over northwestern Ohio. It was sighted nine months before Anna was born, and she was born in that part of Ohio."
"You're pretty buff for a nerd," Ruby teased, not hiding her flirty tone. Alex glanced her way testily and Ruby raised a single, insolent eyebrow.
Sam missed the exchange, pointing to another part of the map. "Look, I think it was Anna and here, same time—another meteor over Kentucky."
Alex looked away from Ruby, trying to focus on what Sam was saying. "So that could be her Grace...?"
"Right, maybe," Sam confirmed.
"All right. That just narrows it down to an entire state." Ruby's sarcasm earned another dark glance from Alex.
"Look, it's a start," Sam said.
Ruby sighed softly, abruptly introspective. "Guys, I'm sorry."
Alex looked her way suspiciously. "For what?" Sam asked.
Ruby's features were apologetic, which Alex didn't buy for a second. "For bringing you this mess with Anna. If I had known, I would've kept my trap shut."
Alex made a face as she muttered under her breath: "Not all you should have kept shut."
Ruby didn't miss the comment. She folded her arms, gazing at Alex challengingly. "I fucked your brother and he liked it," she purred, setting Alex off instantly. "What're you gonna do about it?"
Alex darted across the space separating them and shoved Ruby up against the wall with violent force. "Shut your fucking mouth, bitch!" she snarled, so full of hate she couldn't see.
"Hey, get off her!" Sam had jumped up, attempting to pry Alex away, but she elbowed him hard, giving him a death glare. He hovered uncertainly. Ruby was laughing through a broad smile, so it didn't seem that pertinent to remove Alex off her.
Alex clenched a fistful of Ruby's shirt in her hand, deciding it was time to remind this bitch: "Word to the wise, unlike my brother, I couldn't care less if you live or die—so please remember, just because you've been useful, and just because the demon blade is missing, doesn't mean I won't exorcise your ass right here and now." Ruby's smile faded. "So watch your damn mouth." Alex let the demon go with a strong shove. Sam gaped. Even Ruby seemed momentarily stunned.
"Hey, w—come on," Sam implored, trying to play peacemaker. "T-there's more important stuff going on right now besides our personal lives. We have a crisis to get through."
On edge now, Ruby looked at Sam with narrowed her eyes. "This is not something we just get through. You do not want to get between these two armies. Angels and demons, it's like Godzilla and Mothra. If one side doesn't get us, the other one will."
Alex crossed her arms, a false smile on her face. "What's the matter, sweetheart—scared of the halos?"
Ruby cut her eyes darkly at Alex. "Forget the angels. It's Alastair I'm scared of."
"And who the hell is Alastair?" Alex asked, looking at Sam for a clue. He didn't have one.
"You met him in the church?" Ruby prompted. "Practically the grand inquisitor downstairs. Picasso with a razor."
Sam's confusion lingered. "Yeah okay. And...?"
"And if you know what's good for you, you'd throw him back in the pit." Ruby looked at Sam meaningfully, as if she were trying to tell him something. Sam immediately reacted by looking away from her like he was guilty.
Alex glanced between the pair suspiciously. "Am I missing something?"
"No." Ruby's reply wasn't convincing. "You just better pray that Anna gets her groove back, or we're all dead."
Alex resisted the urge to roll her eyes or crack a patronizing smirk. She only halfway succeeded. "We don't pray. We make things happen."
"Yeah, whatever," Ruby muttered with an eye roll, then exited the room with one very loaded backward glance at Sam. The outside door slammed as she left the house.
Alex turned on her brother as soon as the demon was out of earshot. "Okay, remind me why we're keeping her around? Fucking black-eyed bitch..."
Sam had become sullen. "Yeah, you don't exactly try hard to hide your feelings about her, do you."
"She's a demon," Alex said vehemently.
"Who has helped us countless times," he reminded her. "Saved our lives. She's different, Alex."
Alex stared at her twin in open disgust. How he could believe that was beyond her. "Sam, she's not. You're kidding yourself. I don't know what her game is, but this whole thing's absolutely screwed." Sam opened his mouth to protest, but Alex held up a warning finger. "But you would have a different opinion of her than me, Sam, wouldn't you." Sam's expression fell into hurt anger. Alex felt a twinge of regret. She hadn't needed to say that last part. "Look. End of story, I don't trust her. Never have, never will."
Sam searched her eyes, his expression becoming pained. "Then trust me."
Alex looked at him silently for a long moment, wishing so hard that she could. Her eyes fell away. She let out a heavy breath. The truth hurt. "Dunno know if I can."
Incredibly saddened, Sam took a second, then nodded noble acceptance even as misery gathered on his face like a storm.
The Next Day
Union, Kentucky
Alex stalked over to where Dean paced the length of the abandoned barn they were squatting in. After finding where Anna's Grace had touched down a couple hours ago, they had quickly realized it was already gone—taken. With only angel hex bags shielding them from Castiel and Uriel's eyes, it felt too risky. The long drive (twelve agonizing hours) to Union had been one of the worst Alex could remember. She'd been stuck in between Ruby and Anna in the back seat of the Impala, subjected to uncomfortable silence or catty remarks back and forth. Not her favorite road trip.
"Okay, so what's the plan?" Alex demanded. Dean back moodily. They were all short on sleep, but she and Dean most of all. She hadn't slept in about three days now, and god she needed to.
"We still got the hex bags. I say we head back to the panic room," Dean was saying. Ruby rolled her eyes.
"What, forever?" she asked, as if he were the dumbest person alive.
"I'm just thinking out loud!" Dean retorted.
"Oh, you call that thinking?" Ruby asked sarcastically.
"Will you shut up," Alex said, glaring at the demon sidelong. All day and night long, Ruby had been making sarcastic little comments and jabs, and each one wore away a little bit more of Alex's already-thin patience. She was ready to kill someone—anyone—and Ruby kept tempting her to follow through on the urge.
"You," Dean said accusingly as he pointed at Alex, "need to can the freakin' attitude."
Appalled and indignant, Alex felt her jaw drop. "My attitude? What the fu—"
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Stop it. All of you." Sam came into the barn, displeasure on his face. He and Anna were the only ones who hadn't blown a fuse in the past twenty four hours, but he was getting close after the constant bickering.
Ruby turned on him, her voice a little higher than normal. "Anna's Grace is gone. You understand? She can't angel up, she can't protect us. We can't fight Heaven and Hell. One side maybe, but not both—"
"Um... guys?" Anna interrupted. She stared into space oddly. "The angels are talking again." She immediately had everyone's attention.
"What are they saying?" Sam asked intently.
"It's weird... like a recording... a loop." Anna frowned. "It says, 'Dean Winchester gives us Anna by midnight, or…'" she trailed off, her expression gone still.
"Or what?" Dean pressed. Alex didn't miss the note of fear in his voice.
Anna looked at him squarely in the eye. "...or we hurl him back to damnation."
Shocked, Dean blinked a couple times before looking at Alex and Sam speechlessly.
"Son of a bitch," Alex exclaimed softly. Her heart had fallen to her feet. "They're bluffing. Right?" Anna was silent. "They're bluffing, aren't they?"
Anna looked at Alex grimly. Slowly. "I doubt it." Alex felt her blood go cold. She looked at Dean in rising wild panic. He could not go back to Hell!
"Anna, do you know of any weapon that works on an angel?" Sam asked urgently.
Surprised, Anna stared back at him. "To what? To kill them? No. Nothing we could get to right now."
Dean was shaking his head, trying to derail Sammy from the desperate idea. "Okay, wait, wait. I say we call Bobby. We get him back from hedonism."
"Dean he knows less than we do about angels!" Alex protested in rising despair. "What the hell is Bobby gonna do?"
"I don't know, but we gotta think of something!" Dean exclaimed, getting more riled.
Wasn't the answer obvious? "Yeah, like, do what the angels say and hand her over!"
Stunned, Dean looked at her darkly. "No…!"
He seemed mad at her, which absolutely floored Alex. "It's your life or it's hers," she pointed out with rising angry passion.
Dean was definitely mad. "Yeah and?"
It was the lack of sleep, the despair, and her inability to keep her mouth shut that inspired the next outburst: "Just kill her and neither side gets her!" Everyone's jaws dropped as Alex's all-out scream echoed. "I am not watching you die again because of some... some demon-angel drama we have nothing to do with!"
Stunned silence commenced. Crestfallen, Anna humbly clasped her hands and looked down. Alex's neck burned as her heart hammered wildly and she prepared to double down.
"Whoa, whoa, no—Alex, hell no." Dean said, recovering from his momentary shock. "That is not an option. Why would you even suggest that?" He shook his head, suddenly aghast, as if he couldn't believe what she had said. He was approaching her now. "We are not going to kill someone, Alex!"
"Fine, but why are we responsible?" Alex argued. "She got herself into this mess. Ripped out her Grace, fell from Heaven. Her choice! She had to know the angels would catch up to her eventually. So why are we on the hook to save her? We don't even know her!" She felt heartless saying it, because saving people was what they did—but she didn't want to save some stranger named Anna. She wanted to save Dean.
"Guys—" Sam interjected.
Dean held a hand up in Sam's face as he stared his sister down. "Really, Alex? Just let this girl face Heaven and Hell all by herself?"
Underneath all of the judging eyes, Alex began to doubt her position. "Well what the hell else are we supposed to do?"
"I don't know!" Dean returned angrily. "But not hand her over, not kill her!"
"Then you'll die! Again!" Alex practically shouted, waiting for him to come to his senses.
But he stepped back and shrugged. "Hey, it's just a risk we gotta take."
His nonchalance was betrayal, and it cut her down to her soul itself, the pain unbearable. "What is wrong with you?!" She shook, barely restraining her tears. He was really willing to die again over this? Go back to Hell and subject his sister to living out a nightmare? Alex abruptly hated him for being willing to do that to her.
Dean looked at her darkly, shaking his head in what looked like disgust. "Alex, you're really starting to piss me off."
She stared in disbelief as the hurt doubled and tripled. He had no idea how deep he'd just cut her. Glaring through the building sorrow, she spat through barred teeth. "Feeling's mutual, asshole." She stormed out.
Alex stalked out into where the woods began, a good twenty yards away from the barn. There she promptly sank down, hugging her knees and burying her face. She cried powerlessly, racked with pain. Why didn't he care about what this would do to her? She'd lost him once and barely survived. She would not survive another.
"What are we supposed to do without you, Dean?" Sam had asked, tears streaming down his broken-hearted face.
Dean had grown quiet, his emotions surfacing in his soft, shaky voice. "Fight. Take care of my wheels. Remember what Dad taught you. Remember what I taught you. You two take care of each other, no matter what. I..." the clock striking midnight cut him short. They all knew what the striking of the hour meant. Dean was a dead man.
The tear tracks on her cheeks were cold in the night air as Alex stood up and shoved her hands into her jacket pockets, staring and seeing nothing but memories of that horrible night. Her worst nightmare, her most terrifying memory. It replayed in staccato scenes and sounds over her mind's eye, and she squeezed her eyes shut, fighting to think about something else. But she couldn't think of anything except the horrors of May the second.
Dean's eyes, slowly traveling to his right as he heard the hound who had come to take him. Their frantic attempts to shut themselves into a dining room to hold off the Hellhound. Lilith revealing herself in Ruby's body and pinning Alex and Sam to the wall gleefully. The low throttling growl of the beast outside, waiting. Just waiting. Alex had been glued helplessly to the wall and she screamed as the doors flung open. The invisible hound rushed in like a gale of wind. Alex's ears were filled with her brother's screams of agony; the sound of his flesh being torn apart; the sight of his chest being ripped to shreds. Alex screamed so hard her throat felt like it was on fire.
It replayed over and over. Hot tears ran down her cheeks anew. Lilith had tried to kill Sam as Dean lay dying, but somehow, it hadn't worked. Sam had almost killed the demon then and there, but she fled just before he brought the blade down. Alex dropped from where she had been pinned, free of the demon's grip. And then, the terrible silence. The place where she truly met hopelessness.
Covered in blood, Dean lay lifeless. Sam rushed to his brother, the demon blade clattering uselessly to the floor. But Alex was frozen, her shallow breaths like gasps at the sight of Dean in a pool of his own blood—she almost fell backwards. Her muscles lost all their strength, her blood felt like it was draining out of her, she was going to be sick. She heard herself begging no no no as she fumbled forward and then collapsed to all fours, barely able to keep conscious against the horror. The knees of her jeans were wet with Dean's still-warm blood as it pooled out onto the floor. Sam held Dean in his lap, as one might hold a child, tears running down his face as he cried high, terrified weeping sobs. Dean's eyes staring at nothin. His body was still, silent, lifeless. He was gone. Forever.
Alex's vision went halfway out, her hearing didn't seem to work, her muscles were water, she shook so hard she couldn't even breathe. She dragged herself over to huddle near Sam, clutching Dean's stiffening leg. She sobbed out unintelligibly, her heartbeat choking her, the finality destroying her. She screamed repeatedly a wordless protest, as if by defying his passing with enough fervor, she could reverse death itself.
She remembered digging Dean's grave under blazing, cruel sunlight alongside Sam and Bobby in an empty lot of land where there would be no immortalizing marker to speak of. Just a shallow, nameless grave forgotten in the woods. They took his amulet off before they put him in the ground, and the ring he wore (Mom's wedding band). Alex had cradled the items with a heart cracked in two. Surely these small things weren't all that was left of her brother.
Bobby took his hat off and said things about Dean after that. Things like 'good man' and 'irreplaceable' but Alex hadn't really heard. All she could do was look through swimming vision at ground at Dean's eternal resting place. The best man she'd ever known, buried six feet under. Gone forever. She wanted to be there with him. A thought that made her turn to Sam, who readily held her close. They cried together. Bobby let them be for a while.
The sound of approaching footsteps behind her alerted Alex to a new presence. She stood and hurriedly dashed her hands across her cheeks, putting a hard expression on her face. "Hey," Dean's gruff voice said beside her. "Wanna tell me what the hell is wrong with you?" He sounded pissed. Alex looked at him sidelong after a long moment, her mind stuck on painful memories. Dean's hard expression softened and he sighed. He'd never been able to stand the sight of her crying. "What's wrong?" He sounded gentler this time.
Didn't he get it? "Angels just threatened to kill you and send you back to Hell."
"Hey, I get it." He tried to be lighthearted about the very dark and difficult subject matter. "You don't want me dead. It's nice, really."
Alex couldn't laugh. And he would understand if he got it. "I can't lose you again, Dean."
"You're not gonna."
He'd said that about his soul deal, too. And it was really triggering the fuck out of her. "You don't know that," she protested. "We got no idea what the angels are gonna do, let alone the demons!"
He considered her words. "Well, we have a plan," he said after a moment. "And if you'd stayed inside instead of storming out like a three-year-old, maybe you would've heard it."
Alex pressed her mouth into a thin line and ignored the insult. "We've had plans before."
"Yeah. Well." After a second he sighed and put an arm around her, squeezing reassuringly. A gesture of caring and concern.
It was enough to set Alex in tears again. She looked down and away, hiding behind her hair. "Dean… you didn't see me after you... after you were gone. I tried to get by. I tried to live life like everything was okay, I tried to do what you said, I did." Her expression wavered. "But I just couldn't." She looked at him plainly, letting the agony show. "I couldn't deal with the pain, Dean—hunting was the only thing that kept me going. And the killing? I… I liked it, in a way I never had before." She was somber, unsure of how to reconcile herself to anyone, let alone herself. "I don't know who that was. It was me but... I dunno."
Dean's expression had become pained. He hadn't truly realized the full impacts of his death. "I… I thought you were okay," he said earnestly. "Not like, super great but... man, I thought you were dealing."
Alex shook her head, that feeling of betrayal growing deeper. "How could you ever think that? For one goddamn second?"
Silence passed between the brother and sister. Regret cast Dean's gaze down low as it really sank in. "Guess I didn't want it to be the case."
"I didn't wanna live most days."
Shocked eyes leapt to hers. "Al..." he breathed, gutted.
She shook her head faintly. How did he not think this one through? Alex didn't see the point in dwelling on her ideations, and instead begged him to understand where she was coming from: "I don't care about Anna, and if it's you or her... you know who I'm picking."
Now that he understood better, Dean appeared vastly torn. "I... I get it, Al. I do. As much as I can for not having been in that position. But end of the day... we protect people. Right? That's our job."
Alex gave him a look. "Anna's not a regular person. She's an angel. Come on Dean, the person who needs protection right now is you." He questioned her silently, and Alex's abrasiveness ticked up a couple notches. "If I have to protect you from your own stupidity, Dean, I will."
He considered her for a minute. "Yeah, you're a real hardass, aren't you." His tone lingered somewhere between sarcastic and joking. The shadows of guilt and grief remained as he processed what she'd said about not wanting to live.
Alex was grim. Deadly serious. "I'll kill her if it means you stay alive," she vowed. "I don't want to. But I will. So find a damn solution. Or I'll do what I have to." The deadly, soft seriousness in her voice must have thrown him.
His expression was unreadable. His eyes unsure. "Yeah, got it," he finally murmured, then exhaled heavily and pulled her into a gentle hug that said he understood things a lot better now. Shutting her eyes as her features worked hard, Alex hugged back for all she was worth. They stayed there for a long moment, then when Dean pulled away he held the side of her head briefly and gave her an encouraging if conflicted nod. Telling her without words it would be okay somehow.
"Come back to the barn?" he asked, indicating it with a slight move of the head. Alex shook her head—she needed a little more time. Dean understood without her saying anything and patted her arm. "Whenever you're ready, kiddo."
Alex watched him leave, wondering if he were mad, proud, or disappointed in what she had threatened to do. Surely he'd feel the same if their roles were reversed, right? A few moments passed, and Alex searched the stars solemnly, immersed in the feeling of being cold, of being in silence.
A sudden voice to her left caused her to jump. "Hello, Alex." It was Anna. Standing there calmly with her red hair shining in the moonlight. Great.
"Anna," Alex greeted mistrustfully. These damn angels and their penchants for sneaking up on people.
The angel's question immediately troubled Alex: "Are you all right?" Immediately, Alex frowned. So, this chick wanted to try and earn a sympathy card. Well, that wasn't going to work.
Alex crossed her arms and pointedly looked away, trying to send the message leave me alone.
Instead, Anna only came closer and laid a soft, comforting hand on Alex's shoulder. "You're in so much pain."
Alex jerked away from the touch, glaring. "Don't come out here and try to make me like you," she warned. "It's not gonna happen."
Oddly enough, Anna smiled softly, as if what Alex said had pleased her. "This is why I love humanity. Such loyalty." She studied Alex as if she could see through her every thought and motive. "Dean is lucky to have a sister who loves him so much." Anna's expression flickered as she looked away. "This is actually a prime example of why I wanted to become a human."
Alex's forehead crinkled up in confusion at the wistful tone in Anna's voice. Why would she ever envy us? Why would she want to be a human? Humans were... a mess. No superhuman strength or telepathic powers. No ability to stand bad shit from happening—not really. Just pain, drama, loss. And death. Always death. Alex looked away sullenly. "Being human sucks."
"Perhaps," Anna conceded, then looked at Alex directly. "But being an angel sucked more."
No lie... that did intrigue. "How?" Alex asked, keeping her voice hard to mask her curiosity.
Anna thought sadly for a long moment, and then spoke as if thinking out loud. "So many reasons, but maybe the biggest one was that I constantly longed, deep inside, secretly... for more. I knew something was missing."
Alex felt herself becoming interested, despite herself. "And you found it here?"
Anna looked at Alex again. "Yes. I think so." She smiled, and it reached her eyes. Her expression softened, and again she touched Alex's shoulder. This time, Alex did not jerk away. "Alex. I know why you feel you should kill me. I want you to know I understand. You love Dean very much. Of course you'd choose him over me."
Alex's eyebrows rose—was Anna for real? She cleared her throat and looked away, letting out a heavy, conceding breath before she met Anna's gaze sidelong. "Look," she said unhappily, because she was about to basically admit that she wasn't as hard as she was trying to act. "I hope we can find a solution, Anna. Really. I do. Ideally everyone walks away from this alive and well, okay?" But the fact remained that Alex was going to kill her if she had to, to protect the family—and Anna probably knew that. Still, the ex-angel smiled softly and said nothing more. Alex shook her head tiredly and jerked her thumb in the direction of the barn, overwhelmed with reality. "I'm gonna head in. Need some sleep."
Anna nodded graciously, her parting comment making the youngest Winchester feel even shittier. "Rest well, Alex."
Alex left the tree line and headed for the dark shape of the barn, trying very hard not to feel bad about what she might have to do. It would make everything a whole lot easier if Anna were as intolerable and repulsive as Ruby. Alex scrubbed at her forehead tiredly, thinking to herself that she needed to find Sam before she collapsed. He'd be able to fill her in on whatever hare-brained plan had been cooked up. Hopefully, whatever it was wasn't too ornate, because her ability to focus was currently very threadbare. Alex was at the point where she was so sleepy that holding her eyelids felt like one-hundred-pound weights—she needed sleep more than anything right now, but dreaded what her dreams might bring. Hex bags couldn't protect your dreams, and Castiel seemed to think he could breeze in and out of her subconscious as he liked.
Alex looked up, suddenly aware of herself, and saw that she was standing in a grove of pine trees in unnaturally bright moonlight.
She knew it was a dream immediately. And she felt his presence before she even turned to see him.
She turned, and he set her on edge immediately, standing there under the beautiful moonlight in his increasingly familiar trench coat. But things were different. She felt it immediately. And as such, it put her on her guard straight away. "You know you could text me," Alex complained. "Instead of barging in on my dreams like this."
Castiel was wooden and blank. The total opposite of his last visit. "I've come to ask you to make your brother Anna to us."
Startled, Alex took a second to respond. "Make him?" she echoed, giving him an incredulous look. What was with this guy and the whiplash? "You don't think I tried that? He's made up his mind that he doesn't wanna be responsible for killing an innocent girl."
The angel approached brusquely. "And you? What is your stance on all of this?" His demeanor was off-putting.
As such, Alex's hackles stayed high. "What's it to you?"
He finally showed a small iota of emotion. "Alex, I do not want to kill Dean. In fact, I would very much dislike it. But if he will not relinquish Anna to us—" he looked at her with a mask of rigid earnestly, "—things will get ugly." He paused. "Do you take my meaning?"
She did, and she couldn't believe he would bring this bullshit to her and expect her to simply hear him out. "...Did you really come into my head to threaten my brother's life?" Enraged, she grabbed him by his coat lapels to riotously shake him, earning an almost surprised frown. "Why would you bring him out of Hell just to send him back?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" she shouted. It made no sense that he could say he healed her out of kindness then be such a dick about everything else! She kept her hands clenched into his coat, seething. "If you ever cared about me, you would care about him, too!"
He stared at her unblinkingly, his clear blue eyes boring into hers. "Let go of me, Alex."
He was the most frustrating, confusing creature imaginable. With a hearty shove, she did what he said. He barely flinched. She took a deep, unhappy breath in through her nostrils. She was so terrified for her brother that she could cry at this point. And so frustrated that she was going to have to lay her pride aside for what she did next. "You know what, Castiel? I appreciate what you did for me. I really do." She couldn't believe she was about to plead with this guy for mercy. She could barely even look him in the eye when she did it. "So if... if there is any of the same compassion in you, that you felt for me once… please." Saying the words was like pulling teeth. "I am begging you. Don't let anything happen to my brother." She hated it, but she forced herself to ask again: "Please." Her inner turmoil displayed for him to see and for once, she didn't try to hide it. "I know you know what's right deep down," she insisted, going way out onto a limb and hoping she wasn't wrong. "I know you do."
Castiel stared at her as if he'd been stung and he took a step back from her. Was that... panic on his face? She couldn't tell, because he quickly hid it with near-anger. "Compassion," he spat, as if the word left a sour taste in his mouth, "is something I have no more of, for any of you." He stared at her a second longer, his expression unreadable, and then he was gone, leaving Alex in shocked silence. What the hell?
When she woke up, she ceaselessly dwelled on the way he'd made her feel in that dream: utterly betrayed.
It was early in the morning and Ruby had gone to carry out her part of the plan. Sam paced the length of the barn as Anna nervously stood around. Dean, of course, had cracked open some booze. They were about to run the riskiest move of their life, so of course Dean needed some liquid courage. It didn't actually sound like the worst idea, Alex thought offhandedly. Tricking angels and demons into coming here at the same time was a long shot, but it was the only chance they had, she guessed. With a dusting off of the hands, Alex stood up over the burnt remnants of the angel hex bags.
"Done," she reported, already on edge at the thought of seeing angels again. Of seeing Castiel.
Dean chuckled nervously and raised his flask her way. "And now we wait."
"Little early for that, isn't it?" Anna asked, watching Dean down the contents of his flask.
"It's never too early if your name is Dean Winchester," Sam commented glibly. Dean raised the flask to him.
At that moment, the barn doors suddenly burst in with a mighty blast of wind. Everyone reacted as Uriel and Castiel marched in, their presences blistering and powerful. Sam and Dean stood protectively in front of Anna, and Alex hovered beside Sam, ready to jump in front of Dean at a second's notice.
Castiel spoke first. "Hello, Anna. It's good to see you." A very odd greeting to give someone you were about to murder.
Sam acted shocked, just like the plan called for. "How? How did you find us?" He paused and looked at his brother in shock. "Dean?"
"I'm sorry," Dean apologized, sounding every bit the part of guilty and regretful. Alex was kind of impressed at the acting skills. She was trying to look confused, but wasn't sure if it was convincing or not.
"Why?" Sam asked, whisper soft.
"Because they gave him a choice," Anna said. "They either kill me... or kill you. I know how their minds work." Anna turned to Dean, and they kissed softly. ...Huh? Alex didn't have to act surprised at that… was that a part of the plan they had left out telling her about? She looked at Cas and Uriel—Uriel looked smug, but Cas actually seemed surprised too. Anna pulled back from Dean and spoke to him softly. "You did the best you could. I forgive you." She looked at the angels. "Okay. No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready."
Alex looked at Dean—where the hell was Ruby? Could they stall any longer?
"I'm sorry," Castiel said to Anna, his voice wooden. He didn't sound sorry.
"No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling." Anna shook her head ruefully, and from all appearances, the female angel was the sorry one.
"Still, we have a history," Castiel said. Alex perked up at that. What kind of history? "It's just—"
"Orders are orders," Anna finished for him. "I know. Just make it quick."
Sam and Dean looked at each other sidelong, and Alex could could tell they were getting ready to attack the angels. That probably wouldn't go too well. But it didn't get to that point.
"Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head!"
The group whirled to see Alastair accompanied by two demon henchmen, and with them, a bleeding, crippled Ruby. Alastair tossed her to the side and stared the angels down.
The Winchesters and Anna quickly moved aside as Uriel advanced on the demon. "How dare you come in this room... you pussing sore…"
"Name-calling," Alastair tutted. "That hurt my feelings... you sanctimonious, fanatical prick."
Castiel skipped the insults. "Turn around and walk away now," he commanded, his strong voice filled with warning.
"Sure. Just give us the girl," Alastair said, smiling slyly. "We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper."
"You know who we are and what we will do." Castiel stepped forward, deadly intent in his steps and expression. He was terrifying in that moment. "I won't say it again. Leave now... or we lay you to waste."
"Think I'll take my chances," Alastair lisped, but there was no missing the hostile tone he had taken on. Alex grabbed Sam's arm. The angels and demons were about to fight, just as predicted. It had sounded so good in theory, but now, Alex's stomach felt tight, and she looked at Castiel without a second thought, suddenly worried. What if—
She didn't have a chance to finish the thought. Uriel leapt forward and attacked one of Alastair's henchmen and Castiel unleashed a series of powerful uppercuts onto Alastair, stunning the demon momentarily. The angel then placed his hand on Alastair's forehead to exorcise him—but nothing happened. Confusion came across the angel's face even as Alastair grinned.
"Sorry, kiddo. Why don't you go run to Daddy?" Alastair knocked Castiel onto his back. The angel seemed stunned, momentarily unmoving. Alastair grabbed Cas by the lapels, shouting Latin. "Potestas inferna, me confirma," Alastair proclaimed, choking Castiel ruthlessly. Oh my god—was he exorcising an angel? Was that even possible?! For a second, Alex remained frozen—should she do something? She looked at Dean in horror. Castiel's face was contorted in pain. "Potestas inferna, me confirma," Alastair continued, and Dean grabbed a crowbar up off the floor. "Potestas inferma, me confirma!"
Dean swung the crowbar at Alastair with brute force, knocking the demon off his feet momentarily. With Castiel forgotten, Alastair set his sights on Dean and Sam. "Dean, Dean, Dean... I am so disappointed. You had such promise!" He stretched out a hand and the brothers both sank to the ground, writhing in pain.
In the scuffle, Alex had somehow been forgotten—she didn't have time to reflect on why, only had time to act. Without a second thought, she grabbed the dropped crowbar and swung it at Alastair with all her strength, striking him across the face. The demon reeled, staggering back a step or two while holding a hand to his jaw. Standing feebly between the demon and her brothers and Castiel, all of whom were on the ground and useless, Alex felt like a kitten facing down a lion. She shook from both fear and anger alike as she stared into the face of evil. Alastair chuckled strangely and licked his lips, recovering. Hyping herself up, Alex gripped the crowbar like a baseball bat. "Alex, no!" Dean managed to shout through agony.
Alastair smiled at her, a creepy effect. "Ah yes, baby Winchester, can't forget about you!" He yanked the crowbar out of her hand telepathically, where it came to his hand. He tested the weight in his hand casually as Alex backed up slowly thinking one thought only: fuck! The back of her foot hit something—Castiel's leg. She wavered, almost falling from the unexpected run in. Alastair examined the crowbar with great interest, swaggering toward her casually. "My, I would love to have you come visit me, stay awhile... get to know the fam... because if you're anything like your brother..." he grinned wickedly, "You would be a true joy to have around." He winked at her and gripped the crowbar tight. What did that mean? Alex tried to dodge, but she failed. With relish, Alastair slammed the crowbar into her stomach with superhuman strength. Pain exploded and she felt bones breaking as a brutal scream ripped out of her mouth.
Alex felt herself flying backwards where her shoulder ruthlessly smashed into one of the barn support beams—she heard the popping crunch of her shoulder dislocating through ears that had gone fuzzy. Screaming through gritted teeth in pain, Alex's senses became disoriented. Sam was trying to crawl over to her even as he writhed in pain. Somewhere nearby, Alastair laughed. Alex heard Uriel shout "No!" followed by Anna's frantic rising voice. "Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes!"
Shut my eyes? Limp and dazed, Alex couldn't move. She couldn't even take a full breath in. She was sprawled there on her back, propped on one elbow awkwardly, full of a sinking feeling. And then a large, warm hand covered her weakly shut eyes firmly—just as a ringing, piercing light brighter than the sun washed everything white-hot. Alex felt herself being pulled close to someone solid. Dean? Sam? No... neither of them smelled like that—like rain, or maybe that was cotton. Even with her eyes closed, even with the hand there, she felt blinded by the blazing light. Trying to hang onto the world, she grabbed for something, anything, and got a fistful of what felt like fabric as she curled into the person shielding her. There was a huge explosive sound and great shake, then wind gusted over them as if a tornado had torn through the place. Then all fell quiet, and things sank to darkness once more. The hand came away from Alex's eyes, the hold on her loosened, and she was momentarily dazed, blinking against sunspots. She squinted, trying to see who had covered her eyes, who she was holding onto. Her heart rocketed out of her when she saw. Castiel. Breathing hard and laying awkwardly beside her, the angel's face close was way to close hers. His apprehensive eyes looked into hers. Shocked, Alex let go of his shirt immediately, heart hammering. That's when a sharp stab of pain reminded her of her injuries. She gasped, struggling to breathe through the razors in her ribcage. She heard Dean somewhere nearby bellowing. "Well, what are you guys waiting for? Go get Anna. Unless of course you're scared!"
Alex struggled to breathe as adrenaline gave way to pain. A broken, agonized moan broke free. Cas's face registered alarm at the sound. It was an expression that she had never seen on his face, and even in her pain, it moved her somehow, it made her feel strange. The angel glanced at Uriel in the briefest hesitation, then back at her, suddenly gravely determined. The angel reached out, his hand coming to rest on her rib cage, his eyes locking onto hers once again. She took in a sharp gasp as a rush of comfort, warmth, and relief came over her, spreading out from beneath where his hand rested. Just like that, she was healed. Stunned and confused, Alex could only stare back into the eyes that searched hers. Even as her eyebrows worked in slightly together in an unspoken question—what is this? What are you doing?—his expression changed, he took his hand away, and he moved quickly to stand and join Uriel with a single snatched glance back at her where she laid shocked on the floor.
"This isn't over," Uriel was saying. Dean said something smart back. And then the angels and demons all disappeared.
Sam rushed over to Alex and tried to help her up gently. "You're hurt—" he started.
"No... no, I'm... I'm fine." She held a hand against the part of her stomach and side that had roiled with pain so badly just a moment before. She could barely believe it either. "I'm... completely fine." She looked at her twin with a dumbfounded expression.
Sam's mind worked quickly to understand. "Cas?"
Alex nodded, still dazed and quite wordless. Castiel's harsh words echoed in her mind. Compassion is something I have no more of, for any of you. She stared at where he'd been standing just a minute before. Then why, Cas—why did that just happen?
At her other side, having appeared at a time Alex's jarred senses remained unsure of, Dean shook his head at the spot where Anna had disappeared from. He seemed particularly affected by her disappearing act. But Alex remained lost in her own thoughts of a different angel.
One Hour Later
The Kentucky landscape whizzed by outside, and once again everything was as it should be. Just the three of them—no demons, no angels. They'd left Ruby behind, thankfully. And whatever happened to Anna remained a mystery.
Alex tried to put rumination out of her mind in favor of looking forward to finding a diner, a motel, and a shower. Maybe some sleep, too. Unbidden, she realized her hand laid over her ribs. The same place the weight of Castiel's hand had rested upon earlier. Catching herself, Alex snatched her hand away. She needed to stop thinking about that. However, still she did: she recalled the alarm on his face when he saw her pain. Then compared that to his claim that he was out of compassion. Exhausted, Alex could have growled for the frustration she felt. He was confusing. Or maybe he was confused. Well, she sure was confused. That much was for sure.
In the driver's seat, Dean gave a huge, tired sigh, interrupting her thoughts. "Ah, screw this, I need a beer." He pulled into a gas station. About ten minutes later the Winchester three were parked on a back road, cracking open beers. Sam sat on the hood of the Impala with his bottle and Dean leaned up next to him. Alex handed Dean his beer and sat beside him, just above the wheel.
"To surviving yet another impossible situation," Sam said lightly while raising his bottle.
"Can't believe we made it out of there." Dean gave a soft, disbelieving laugh.
"Story of our lives," Alex muttered, raising her beer bottle too. Sam and Dean clinked theirs against hers, and it was bottoms up. After taking a big swallow, Alex wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket. "You think we'll see her again?"
"Who, Anna?" Dean shrugged. "Probably. I mean, can't seem to keep these damn angels away."
Alex chuckled sardonically. She agreed with him more than he knew. Sam looked at Alex sidelong. He had a sly little smile on his face. "So exactly how many times has Cas saved your life now?" He grinned outright… teasing her.
Alex rolled her eyes and wrinkled her nose in quick succession. "Trying not to keep count." She was suddenly interested in peeling the label off her beer, hoping they didn't ask her anything else about him. She felt oddly put on the spot. Kind of vulnerable about the subject of Cas.
They were quiet a couple minutes, then Dean cleared his throat. "I know you heard him."
Sam looked his way uncertainly. "Huh?"
"Alastair. What he said... about how I had promise."
Alex became very interested, stopping mid-guzzle.
"Yeah..." Sam replied carefully.
Dean eyed him sidelong. "You're not curious?"
"Dean, I'm damn curious. But you're not talking about Hell, and I'm not pushing."
Alex, however, wasn't that saintly. "Well, I'll bite. What'd he mean?" She peered up at Dean's profile, which was dark and thoughtful. "What happened to you down there?"
Dean swallowed, staring into the distance. He didn't speak for a long moment. "It wasn't four months, you know. It was four months and change up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like forty years."
Sam and Alex exchanged shocked glanced. "Forty years?" Alex breathed in disbelief. "How...?"
"My god..." Sam whispered.
Dean swallowed. "They, uh... they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you…" he took a deep breath. "Until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... just so they could start in all over. And Alastair... at the end of every day... every one... he would come and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack... if I put souls on... if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him." Dean's voice wavered now. "But then I couldn't do it anymore, guys. I couldn't. And I got off that rack." His voice became even more unsteady, broken and limping with deep pain. "God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls." A tear rolled down his cheek. "The—the things that I did to them."
He went silent. Alex put a hand on his shoulder gingerly. "Don't think about it," she counseled, unsure what else to say.
"It's all I can think about."
"Dean... Dean, look, you held out for thirty years," Sam said gently. "That's longer than anyone would have."
Dean had a hand over his face, and his shoulders shook. "How I feel... this... feeling inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." His voice broke in agony, and he didn't bother hiding his tears, his sobs.
Sam and Alex were left truly speechless. Alex enveloped her big brother in a tight hug and he crushed her in his arms, weeping openly, burying his face in her shoulder, for once letting himself be the one who got comforted. Sam hung back, his expression pained and afraid. Alex tried to make her voice sound stronger than she felt. "You're okay now. You're okay," she repeated over and over, softly, to keep from breaking down herself. When Dean cried, she wanted to also. "You're okay," she said again. But she knew he wasn't.
None of them were.