Song Remains the Same

Chapter 19 / Daddy Issues

"And I hate myself for being human.
What good are hearts if you can't use them?"
- God or Julie

Two Weeks Later

Two Winchesters entered the motel room and threw their stuff down, exhausted and covered in vampire blood. Alex plopped down onto one of the beds, yanking off her boots one by one as they stuck damply to her feet. Dean cast a dark glance around the space.

A week ago, Sam left. Hitched a ride to wherever, just like that. It happened after the three of them had worked a job in Colorado—they'd caught up with a few old hunting buddies: Rufus, Jo, Ellen. The town had been a disaster. A newcomer on the scene, War (as mentioned in Revelation) had turned the entire town against one another. After they cut War's ring of influence from his hand, Sam had split, saying he needed a break and that he didn't trust himself.

Dean hadn't stopped their brother or even tried to talk to him about it. He'd been disturbingly okay with it, practically sending their brother off with a shove as he walked out the door. Alex had begged Sam to just give it some time, but he'd left anyway. Dean had been avoiding the subject ever since. The past few days he'd put everything into finding a job. But now that that the job they'd found was taken care of, Alex wasn't going to stay quiet any longer. She looked up from where she was been sitting and decided now was as good a time as any. "We gotta talk."

He turned around with crossed arms, and from the look he gave her, she could tell he'd been expecting this. He had an unfriendly, sarcastic smile on his face. "Look, I already know you've just been waiting to bitch me out about Sam, so go ahead. I'm all ears."

Typical Dean. "Why do you have to be like that?" It pissed her off. "You don't even know what I was gonna say."

"Lemme guess: you were gonna say that we shouldn't have split up, I should have made him stay, he shouldn't be alone right now, some kinda crap like that."

Alex's mouth went into a thin line, irritated that he got it right, and even more irritated that he didn't see the problem either. "Don't you think we should be helping him through this, not putting more miles between us? He's our brother."

"Yeah, our brother who likes demon juice." Dean swaggered over, jabbing his finger at the ground. "This right here? The family business? We got no room for that bleeding-heart, wishy-washy crap. We don't got time for issues, we just gotta kill or be killed."

Alex pulled a face. "Right, because you don't have any issues."

"Oh, and you're just Miss America, aren't you?"

She felt so flustered by his attitude that she couldn't think of any of the things she'd thought of or rehearsed internally. She felt herself turning red. "Why can't you just admit you're wrong about this?!"

"Because I'm not wrong," Dean said forcefully. He obviously believed his own delusion. "I didn't make Sam leave. He wanted out—end of story, Alex!" His volume was nearing a shout now. "I don't have time for this today! I'm the oldest and it's my car, my house, my rules, so if you don't like it, feel free to shove off like you did before!" Ouch. Alex was stung. Dean paused, taking a deep breath before a little guilt flashed across his face. "I didn't mean that," he muttered, then his expression became pissy again. "But if you wanna be with Sammy so bad, the door's right there. I'm sure as hell not keeping you here."

"Stop putting me in the middle!" Alex protested, throwing her hands up in frustration. "I shouldn't have to choose a side! You're being an asshole!"

Dean took in a tired, aggravated breath. "Come on, Al, we've done this before. Sam was gone for four friggin' years and you didn't care then, so what's different this time?"

That simple comment hurt the worst out of all of them. "I did care, and you know it." She really hated Dean sometimes. She turned away, yanking her hair out of the ponytail it'd been in. "Whatever Dean," she muttered sullenly. "I need to get this damn blood off of me."

She disappeared with a hearty door slam into the bathroom, leaving Dean to roll his eyes and begin cleaning the blood off his jacket. This motel had a sink and mirror in the main room, while the shower and toilet were in a separate bathroom across the room. He heard the water start and grumbled to himself for a few minutes, then began to wash up in the sink out here. His headstrong, opinionated sister wasn't right, about any of it. At least, that's what he told himself. It had been Sam's choice, and it had been the right thing for the family. Sam's demon blood issue was just too much. Too much. Dean glanced up in the mirror and jumped at what he saw in the reflection: Castiel was standing right behind him, staring silently—and creepily. "Oh my god." Dean thumped the sink to channel the shock that had jolted through his heart. "Don't do that!"

"Hello, Dean," Cas greeted plainly.

Dean turned around, finding Castiel in his face, only inches away. He sighed and gave the angel a damning look. "Cas, we've talked about this. Personal space?"

Brief understanding flickered across Cas's face. "My apologies." Cas stepped back and Dean set him with a probing frown.

"How'd you find me? I thought I was flying below the angel radar."

"You are," Cas replied. "Bobby told me where you were." He looked around, eyes squinting further. "Where's Sam?"

Dean smiled thinly. "Me and Sam are taking separate vacations for a while."

There was a short pause and then Cas's unspeakably intense gaze came back to Dean. "And Alex?" His tone was a little different when he asked about her. But Dean was too annoyed to analyze it much.

"What's with the twenty questions? In the shower, man," Dean replied impatiently. "You find God yet? More importantly, can I have my damn necklace back, please?"

Cas's expression was unhappy. "No, I haven't found him. That's why I'm here. I need your help."

"My help? With what? The God hunt?" Dean chuckled cynically. "Not interested."

Castiel opened his mouth to reply, but a blood-curdling scream and loud crash cut him off. It was hard to tell who was moving first, Dean or Cas. Without even pausing to see if the door were locked or not, Dean broke the bathroom door down, ready to murder someone. "What is it?!" he demanded, the demon blade in his hand, his body poised to attack. Cas was right behind him, arms at his sides, an intense frown on his face. Alex had backed up against the far wall of the tiny bathroom, staring at the shower with huge eyes as she clutched a towel to her dripping wet body. She looked terrified. "What, Alex? Where?!" Dean demanded, looking all around and not seeing anything. He was getting rattled, fast.

"A spider! A huge, fucking, spider!" she screeched, looking at her brother with wide, crazed eyes.

Dean's alarm immediately lapsed into disbelieving annoyance, and the blade which had been raised high thumped to his side. "Oh my god, Al, really? Of course." A disgruntled eye roll was followed by him scraping a hand down his face for the needless alarm he'd just been subjected to. "You're killin' me."

Puzzled, Castiel looked from Dean to Alex, trying to understand.

"It crawled on me!" Alex protested emphatically, as if such horrors had never fallen anyone else in the world. She looked at Dean, frozen in fear, clearly waiting for him to make a move.

Dean gave her a 'sorry, not sorry' kind of expression. "You know what? I'm done killing spiders and roaches for you. You can gank a vamp, a zombie, a demon… you can handle a little spider. Man up, Al. Grow some balls and squish that little arachnid."

Alex looked to Cas, who of course she had noticed but hadn't really acknowledged yet—and frowned—Cas was… what was he staring at? His eyes jumped up from—what had he been looking at? Her legs? He met her gaze his face set like stone, his chin raised. He looked intense. "Where is this spider? I will destroy it."

"T-the shower," she replied feebly. He stepped forward, his hand raised, his face deadly.

There was a sickening squelch sound somewhere inside the shower and grimacing, Dean Dean peeked his head into the stall. "Eugh. You're a real hero, Cas," he commented even as he smirked at Alex. "Dude that thing was big," he added in with an impressed face. She gave him a baleful look.

Cas, however, had straightened, turned, and was looking at her in honest confusion. "Why does an arachnid strike such fear into you?"

Dean gave a short little laugh at the angel's question. "Because she's the biggest baby on earth when it comes to spiders, man. No reason why. Drives me crazy." He suddenly, finally seemed to realize the extent of Alex's undress and an awkward expression passed over his face. He grabbed Cas by his shoulders, pushing him out. "Move along, Cas, nothing to see here." He then chuckled, as if he'd said something extremely funny—apparently the joke was either that his sister was not appealing enough to warrant attention, or that Cas was asexual. Either way, Alex wasn't laughing, she was just scowling.

Perplexed as usual, Cas's gaze remained glued to Alex over his shoulder as Dean pushed him out past the door that was barely hanging onto the frame by a cracked hinge.

Dressed and decent, Alex joined Cas and Dean in the main room. Her hair was quickly air-drying into its normal state of unkempt, wavy disarray. Cas and Dean looked like they'd been waiting around for her. "What's going on?" she asked, not entirely sure where Cas had come from this time or what he wanted. His presence, as normal, set her on a bit of an edge she didn't really recognize.

Dean had a smug little smile on his face. "Cas here says Raphael can help us find God."

Uh... okay. Alex looked at the angel for explanation. "Who's Raphael? A ninja turtle?"

Castiel looked completely baffled. "A... what?" he glanced at Dean who was, of course, not going to help him out in the least. "No, he's not some kind of... warrior reptile. He's the archangel who killed me."

Alex's eyebrows shot up. "And you wanna go... find him?" She made puzzled a face, worry pitting in her stomach. "Don't you, y'know..." she gave a nervous little laugh, "like being alive?"

He didn't answer her question. "We need information, which Raphael possesses," he said intensely. "We will trap and interrogate him, and he will tell us where God is."

That sounded crazy. Alex rubbed her forehead briefly. "Okay, aside from the fact that that's a long shot…" she turned and looked at her brother, "Dean, you're actually down for this suicide mission?"

"Yeah, why not," he said, grinning with that ever-present sarcastic attitude. "Sounds like a good time." At her bitchy expression, he grudgingly dropped the act. "Look, it can't hurt to see if this guy knows something—anything—about all this Michael's vessel God crap."

Point taken. But there was something else Alex didn't understand. "Why do you need us for this, Cas?"

"To find Raphael…" he said grimly, as if preparing to reveal some dark truth, "I'll have to... talk. To people."

Alex's head tilted to the side, a hesitant little smile on her face as her eyebrows rose slowly. It was almost cute, the obvious dread and anxiety the angel was feeling. This was the guy who had shattered all the lights in a room when she saw him the first time. The one who could smite demons with a single touch, the one who dragged her brother out of the mouth of Hell, the one who had given her the ability to speak. He was of the most powerful beings she could think of. And yet, there he stood, implying that talking to people was the most unthinkably difficult thing in the world. It made her feel a little fonder.

Dean was chuckling and opening the door to the motel. "Come on, kids. Let's blow this popsicle stand," he said, his keys jingling.

Alex paused, glancing at Cas. "What, aren't we gonna take the angel railway?" It'd be faster...

"Dean refuses. He cited chronic constipation," Castiel replied in monotone.

Alex blinked twice. "Wha…?" she asked, looking at her brother weirdly. What did that even mean?

"Last time he zapped me somewhere, I didn't poop for a week!" Dean grumbled. Alex had to work hard not to laugh out loud at his misfortune.

They walked out to the car together, Cas drifting after the Winchesters somewhat uncertainly. Dean tossed the keys at his sister without warning, and unprepared, she barely stopped them from hitting her in the face. "Listen, I'm tired as crap," he said. "Alex, you're driving."

"Huh?" She tried to remember the last time she had driven the Impala and looked at Dean in disbelief. "Serious?"

Annoyed, he yanked open the back door and sent her a brief glare. "I need a friggin' nap, okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Okay." She paused at the driver's side. Cas stared at her with his usual, stern expression over the top of the car. Her heart caught and fluttered. Was this really happening? "Um, so, w... where are we going, anyway?" she asked, trying to look at ease.

His eyes were so blue—she was staring into them again. "Waterville, Maine," Castiel said, never looking out of her gaze. "Where a deputy officer laid eyes on the archangel."

The car ride was quiet in the beginning. Music played on the radio as Alex kept her eyes on the road, driving with one hand... but she glanced at Castiel every minute or so. The windows were cracked slightly, ruffling her loose hair in the breeze. Dean snored lightly, sprawled awkwardly across the back seat with an arm over his eyes to keep out the sunlight.

Castiel found it difficult to believe this monotonous mode of transportation was how the Winchester family always traveled. It was taking far too long, and they had only been traveling for about an hour. But Dean had insisted.

On the radio, a man was singing, or at least, that's what Castiel knew that was what the sound was supposed to be. However, it was more like a shouting, grunting shriek combined with growling. 'Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind, people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time!' Castiel was perplexed, not able to follow the message of the words. The loud, repeating sound of a gritty, distorted instrument combined with the man's screeching voice was not pleasant. In fact, it was beginning to grate on his nerves. As if reading his mind, Alex reached for a knob on the dashboard and turned the music down almost all the way.

"You all right over there, space case?" she asked, her voice breaking the long silence. Castiel turned his head toward her slightly. He forgot to answer her question in favor of just looking at her. She grew uncertain. "Uh... you look kinda… glazed over," she said hesitantly. "You tired or something?"

Staring was considered rude in Western human culture—that's right. Castiel peeled his gaze away, trying to be polite. It was all so much to think about and remember. "I don't get tired," he told her factually. "I... found the sound of that music grating."

She smiled when he said that. "Come on Cas, don't knock Black Sabbath." Her tone was supposed to be teasing, he wagered. He didn't understand what she was saying to him though—'knock black sabbath'? What was the meaning of that phrase? He repeated the words in his mind, but he found no comprehension. She and Dean had very strange ways of speaking. She was chuckling. "I bet you're a Beethoven kind of guy, huh."

At the mention of the famous composer, Castiel smiled very softly, surprising himself as he remembered a dark echoing hall and beautiful piano music that filled it, the man who'd been deaf and unable to hear music who had felt it instead. "I watched him compose Moonlight Sonata."

A stunned, shocked silence followed. "...You watched Beethoven compose Moonlight Sonata?" Alex appeared highly impressed. "Wow!" Cas was caught off guard by her enthusiastic reaction but intrigued. She seemed to like this information. So, he shared more.

"He had insomnia when he wrote it," Castiel recalled, and he could hear the piano movement in his mind, the somber and beautiful striking of the piano keys. Ludwig von Beethoven had been a gentle, simple man. A fascinating one.

Castiel's simple recollection seemed to captivate Alex—perhaps she hadn't realized how Cas had been in existence for so long watching humanity. But she knew now and was biting her lip in thought as she contemplated the road ahead. "Okay," she said in a voice that was bordering on excited, "so—I gotta ask. In everything you've ever seen… what's your favorite moment? The first pyramid? Noah's ark?"

He hesitated abruptly at her question, looking away, a slight shiver of nervousness overtaking him. "It... would be difficult to pick." His instincts told him that if he told the truth, it would be far too revealing. The best thing he had ever seen? His favorite moment? The first time the one he was sitting next to right now had laughed out loud with the voice he'd given to her…

Unaware of his thoughts, Alex looked at him sidelong, a quieting, contemplative look on her face. She recognized that he was hedging, he believed. But she didn't press him. She let it go and continued to drive, her expression becoming thoughtful. He studied her profile for a moment, wondering what was to become of himself. So much had changed. He was now on a path with an unforeseeable destination. But at least it wasn't entirely alone.

Cas looked straight ahead of himself again, going deep into his own mind. He truly believed that Heaven was misled by the angels who had lost sight of the way. Castiel had to make everything right again and hope his actions would prove to be right in the end. He had resolved to find God, who could cleanse the heavens of the unfaithful angels who would seek their own gain. And then Castiel would be rewarded for his long-suffering faith and devotion, for his loyalty despite the turmoil engulfing Heaven. He would see and be seen, he would stand in the presence of his divine Father's love that he longed for. And then he would hear, from the mouth of God himself: Well done, Good and Faithful servant. Then, and only then, would he be free from the transgressions he had committed.

He'd lost sight of his role and purpose in recent times, and it left him feeling as if he were standing on shaking ground. Still, he realized that while all of Heaven was after him for treason, he wasn't completely alone or on his own. He had these people. The Winchesters. It was a small mercy. A quiet hope. His eyes slid to glance at Alex again from the corner of his eye. He wondered if she could relate to his feelings about his missing Father. Castiel had been so blind and lost for so long, so desperate to believe that God was truly in control. And that had been another lie on an ever-lengthening list. These thoughts left him disconsolate and quiet in a way that transcended everything.

"Hey, Cas?" Alex drew Cas out of the thoughts he was so bogged down in. She glanced between him and the road repeatedly. "You okay over there?"

Cas looked down at his knees, vexed at her concern. He didn't want to burden her with his thoughts or turmoil. "Fine, thank you."

Alex didn't look fully convinced but accepted his answer, letting another short silence hang before she chanced another question. "Listen… I've been wondering. Is he still… you know… still in there somewhere?" She paused, then clarified. "Jimmy, I mean."

A defensive feeling arose. Jimmy. Naming the man who Castiel had used to bridge the gap between Heaven and earth brought a strange sensation: The slightest instance of guilt. He knew full well that the body he inhabited wasn't truly his. Or it hadn't been—after Cas died at the hands of Raphael, the human man inside this vessel died too—his soul was gone. This body, an echo of who Jimmy Novak had been, still did seem to have problems regardless, and Castiel was suddenly thinking of earlier that day when he'd noticed malfunctions and strange sensations. He remembered the sight of Alex, wrapped only in a small towel. It had made the vessel behave oddly to see her like that: dark hair dripping wet, beads of water flecked all over her bare arms, legs, neck. He remembered a few little rivulets of water running down the space between the hollow dip of her collarbone and the shadowed space made where her breasts met softly together... Cas swallowed hard, suddenly aware that his body—his vessel—was malfunctioning again. He looked down at his lap, slightly worried, not sure what was happening to him.

Alex had asked him if Jimmy was still in him somewhere and the long, questioning silence made him flustered. "Why is that a concern of yours?" he asked her a little louder than necessary, trying to act as though nothing strange was happening to him. He had an instinct he didn't understand that urged him not to let her see what was happening.

Alex glanced at him with a skeptical expression on her face. "You know why."

Yes, he supposed he did. Castiel's worries about the vessel faded. His mind turned to that night when Jimmy had given himself over to Castiel for what would be the final time. He remembered Alex calling him afterward. She'd been angry and he'd been cold and distant purposefully, trying to dissuade her from her attempts to connect with him, trying to protect both her and himself from the consequences. She'd accused him of ruining Jimmy Novak's life. And he supposed he had, hadn't he? After all, Jimmy was now gone forever. He had paid quite the price for his faith.

"He seemed like a pretty nice guy," Alex said after Cas made no reply. "He loved his wife and kid, just wanted to go back to his normal life…" she sounded pensive. Sad for Jimmy and his loss. "I liked him. It's... sad what happened."

Castiel did understand what she meant and knew that what she was saying was true. "I suppose it is regrettable," he admitted reluctantly, wearily. "But Jimmy's sacrifice will not be unrewarded."

Alex shrugged a shoulder up slightly, her thoughtful eyes out on the road ahead. "Maybe not, but there's a woman and a kid out there who lost a husband and dad," she said quietly, her eyes sliding to him sidelong. "And you're him. Kinda."

Castiel heard what she was saying. He had taken a man from his family. Cas shook his head slowly, not sure how to respond. "No. I'm not him. I only look like him."

"But what if you ever… leave again? Is he gonna come back? Is that possible?" He heard worry in her voice.

A silence spanned and Castiel thought, trying to give her a more definitive answer, trying to explain what had happened to the man in question. "No. James Novak will never return. He's gone—he died when the archangel killed us. But... there is a small part of this vessel that retains what made Jimmy Novak, Jimmy Novak. Memories. Opinions. Experiences. I can see everything he was. I can remember the life he lived. But all of those things are overpowered and dwarfed by the sheer, uninhibited power of my magnificent celestial presence inside this vessel."

Alex made a face. "Okay. Magnificent celestial presence." She chuckled slightly, rueful.

Castiel didn't understand. "Why does that amuse you?"

She smiled thinly—could a smile be sad and happy at the same time? He didn't know, but that was the kind of smile on her face right then. She shrugged, and he watched the way her shoulders moved. "Just... the way you say things sometimes."

She found him to be less than satisfactory, he decided. "I often don't understand social contexts," Cas offered plainly, understanding that she was telling him that she found his confusion on the matter to be amusing.

"Really?" Alex asked, the tone of her voice different than it had been before.

"Yes, re—" he paused, then stopped. Wait. He shut his mouth then looked out at the road again, the smallest smile on his lips as he realized that he understood what she had just done. "That was sarcasm," he surmised, looking at her to see if he was correct.

"Not bad, Cas." She smiled as she watched the road ahead.

He was quiet for a moment. Again, he tried to make her understand what even he had a difficult time with. "Without Jimmy... I couldn't be here with you right now."

Her words seemed to surprise her, then quickly make her uncomfortable. She was left quiet for a long pause as she avoided looking at him. "I know." The tone in her voice was indescribable and vulnerable sounding and made him feel... somehow protective. Fiercely so. Why? She shook her head and shrugged again—she seemed to do that when she was having a hard time knowing what to say or do. "Hey, can't always have your cake and eat it too, can you?" She sounded both resigned and bittersweet at the same moment.

Cas, however, wasn't sure what baked goods had to do with anything. "...Cake?"

With that single word, he somehow managed to inspire Alex to give a sudden snort of laughter and a grin, a noisy sigh. "Oh Cas." He felt that fierce feeling again. He thought she said his name with fondness, and whatever funny thing he'd said, he was glad he'd said it and was interested in the effect it'd had on her. She looked at him sidelong with a little smile that rested both on her lips and in her eyes, a smile that seemed to say she found him agreeable.

He'd seen her smile, but never like that at him. It startled him, then quickly made him uncomfortable and nervous and he looked away, uncertain if he was overstepping bounds in pursuing a friendship with her. It wasn't wrong, he didn't think, even though Heaven had said it was. He didn't think the Winchesters had corrupted him. In fact, he thought perhaps they had moved him toward greatness. Or at least toward self-awareness. And even though it was a strange new place for him… he found himself liking it cautiously. He wanted to look at her again, but he did not allow himself to.

And then her soft, caring question demanded he do exactly that. "Did... did he go to Heaven, at least?"

Contemplating the woman beside him, he felt touched by her curiosities about Jimmy. "Yes."

"That's something." A few more beats of silence passed. "So... this is you now."

"Correct," Cas replied. He wondered her thoughts on that, but she didn't continue onward with that particular subject.

Another moment of silence passed before Alex spoke again. "So, anyway. If this Raphael guy we're looking for's an archangel, what kind are you?" She paused. "If that's not too personal."

Her question startled him, her curiosity about him somehow pleasing and stressful at the same time. He frowned, considering his answer. "Well... in the beginning, when I was first established, I was a Seraph. A Watcher. I was tasked with the honor of bearing witness to the events which unfolded in this universe." He remembered those years with a burst of pride. He had known his role, and he had carried it out. It was simple; it was pure, he had never faltered or failed. The good feelings faded as he remembered how everything changed. It had all started with her. That fateful day when he'd been tasked as guardian angel over one Alex Winchester. He looked down. "More recently…" he trailed off. "I don't know what I am."

"Huh," she commented softly, noticing how heavily he spoke, how conflicted he sounded. "Well I don't think you're so bad, whatever you are."

Castiel looked at her profile for a few seconds, then shifted in his seat, looking away, processing her words, feeling a warmth in his chest at her comment. His lips were upturning a little in a smile. "Thank you." It was humbling how she was slowly softening toward him, extending acts of friendship and goodwill. For a time, he had considered that she would possibly always mistrust him. More silence passed, and after a minute, Castiel sighed through his nose, restless again. "Traveling this way is truly cumbersome."

Alex gave him an unsympathetic glance. "Try almost thirty years of it, then complain to me about it." She glanced down at the car display in front of the steering wheel and muttered something about needing gas. The car pulled into a place called Gas-n-Sip. Alex got out and began filling the vehicle's tank, leaving Castiel to wait. Dean was still knocked out in the back, his wheezing snore a steadfast rhythm that was becoming irksome. Cas reached for the knob he'd seen Alex use to control the volume of the radio and he carefully twisted it, trying to bring the music back to cover the sound of snoring. He heard no sounds and twisted more and more, then reached the end where the knob wouldn't go any further. Perhaps the music playback device was broken. He gave up and resigned himself to listening to Dean's grating snores.

Alex finished fueling up then loped across the pavement and into the convenience store, casually glancing left and right as she went, taking in her surroundings. Castiel watched out of the corner of his eye, then waited until he could see her again.

A minute later she reappeared with some brightly colored packets in hand. She squinted against the noonday sun as she came out of the store and when she got back into the car, she offered him one of the packets. It read Hostess CupCakes. "These are my favorite." She tossed a pack back at Dean without looking, where it hit her sleeping brother in the chin. He started, made a sound of protest, then settled back down.

Cas shook his head no. "I do not require sustenance."

"You don't even wanna try it?" she asked, giving him a look as she ripped hers open.

"No." As an afterthought, he added, "thank you, though."

She was already chomping into her cupcake without ceremony as they sat there in the unmoving car. He intently watched the way she chewed then licked some icing off her finger. She looked at him oddly, opened her mouth to say something, and then accidentally dropped the cupcake where it splatted down onto the seat beside her thigh.

"Shit." She snatched the baked good up. Quickly, she looked back at Dean, her expression fearful. When she saw that he was still sleeping, she tossed the smushed cupcake out the window and reached into the glove compartment, her arm brushing against Castiel's thigh as she dug for something. There again it was again! His vessel reacted immediately, with the same dizzying, unexplained sensation it had felt earlier. The angel went tense. Before he had time to panic, she had already grabbed a few napkins out of the compartment and was scrubbing at the seat, repeating the word "shit." Castiel watched, forgetting his momentary alarm. After a few more swipes of the napkin, Alex seemed satisfied and sighed in relief. "Dean would kill me if he saw that," she muttered, seeing Cas's perplexed expression. "Do me a favor and don't tell him?"

Castiel tilted his head to the side, trying to make sure he understood right. "You want me to lie?"

Alex contemplated, then with a very serious look on her face she held out her pinky, eyebrows raised, her gaze telling him to do something. "Just pinky promise. That you won't tell him."

He looked at her blankly. "What is a... pinky promise?"

She held out her pinky and wiggled it, nodding at him as if to say 'now you.' He held his out in similar fashion and she hooked hers through, pulling their fingers against each other's tightly. She spoke in a low, serious voice, and her expression became intense. "It's an unflinching bond agreement between two beings. Forever binding. You break a pinky promise, the wrath of the universe will reign down on your poor, lost soul." Castiel felt his mouth open slightly—why had he never heard of this all-powerful binding 'pinky promise'? Alex's grim expression suddenly dissolved into a laugh, and Castiel narrowed his eyes, not sure what—and then, suddenly, he understood, and was surprised that he understood.

A pleased little expression came over his face. "You were joking just now," he surmised. "About the wrath of the universe."

She smiled again, and again, the corners of her eyes wrinkled. "Yup. But seriously... don't tell Dean."

Castiel just smiled slightly, a little impressed with himself. Alex started the car and suddenly music blared so loudly that it seemed like the speakers were going to blow out—Alex shouted something like, "Jesus, God!" and very very quickly reached for the knob and turned it way down, a little out of breath from how startled it had left her. Once the ear-assault was over, she looked at Cas, flabbergasted. "Did you do that?!"

Cas was surprised, too. "I... didn't realize that would happen," he said, feeling embarrassed. To his surprise, she started laughing again.

"What the crap are you two morons doing up there?!" Dean complained, sitting up halfway and scowling at them with a grumpy, sleepy face.

Alex dabbed at an eye, still in stitches. "Just uh, making sure the volume knob still works!" Dean mumbled complaints even as he shifted and flopped facedown to return to his nap. Alex shook her head and glanced at Cas again, her laughter finally ebbing away. Why was that funny? And why did he want to laugh, too? Cas marveled and realized this long drive was actually far superior to instant transportation. He realized with amazement what had escaped him until just now: he was spending time with her. And that was wonderful.

Ignorant to his thoughts, Alex grabbed the gear shift and put the car into motion, turning her attention to driving. After a minute, she gently fiddled with a knob on the console and found a station of classical music then looked at Cas with a knowing smile.

Surprised and touched at the gesture, Castiel felt himself smiling back.

Late That Night

Alex kicked over a broken chair in the abandoned house they were squatting in. Dean was downing beers and pacing around, bored like his sister.

They'd visited the Waterville Police Department earlier and found out with some digging that Raphael's vessel belonged to a man who was committed. As in, mental institution. Taking Cas along as a third FBI agent had been a disastrous idea—the guy had almost given them away like ten times. However, it made for some funny memories at least. Alex shook her head as she remembered Cas holding his FBI identification upside down. After finding out who Raphael's vessel was and where the man lived, they had gone to the psychiatric ward where he resided. They found the man, empty and glazed over with Raphael no longer possessing him. But Cas had insisted he knew how to conjure Raphael and had done some strange Enochian chant, then said tomorrow, the ritual would play out. After that, he disappeared without explanation and had been gone for hours now. Long enough that Alex was getting worried.

Sighing, she stopped pacing, then picked up a beer and cracked it open on the side of the table. "I mean, couldn't we stay at a motel?" she asked out of nowhere. "This place is a freakshow."

Castiel suddenly appeared in the room, holding an ancient looking clay jar, surprising the siblings in tandem.

"Where've you been?" Dean asked.

"Jerusalem," the angel replied simply.

Whoa. Impressive. "What's in that?" Alex asked as he set the jar on the rickety old table that remained in the house.

Cas seemed distracted. "It's oil. It's very special. Very rare."

Dean smirked. "Okay... so we trap Raphael with a nice vinaigrette?"

Alex snorted at her brother's comment then took a swig of beer as Castiel sat down in a chair and gave him a terse look. "No."

"Tell me something," Dean said, sauntering over with his beer. "You keep saying we're gonna trap this guy. Isn't that kinda like trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net?"

"No." Cas paused and narrowed his eyes. "It's harder."

Alex almost choked on her beer. Dean looked a little put off. "Do we really have any chance of surviving this?"

Cas finally looked up fully, his expression neutral. "You two do. An archangel will not touch Michael's vessel, nor a child of God under divine protection."

"So... are you saying that you're dead meat?" Alex asked darkly.

"In all likelihood, yes," he said, looking into middle distance in front of himself.

Alex didn't like this. "Cas… I don't know if I'm okay with that."

He was avoiding looking at either of them again. "There is nothing to be 'okay' about. It must be done. I have to do it. I have to take responsibility."

"But…" Alex trailed off and he finally looked up at her with a veiled expression. She couldn't find anything else to say and they just looked at each other with silent, tense eyes. He had just accepted his death? Relegated himself to dying tomorrow?

"Well. Last night on earth!" Dean said, trying to break the tension by being a smartass. "What are your plans?"

There was another pause, as if Cas hadn't thought that far ahead. "I just thought I'd sit here quietly."

Something about that comment touched Alex, making her feel endeared to him. She was kind of a homebody, too. Even though she didn't really have a home.

Dean apparently thought Castiel's answer was lame. "Come on—last night on earth!" he repeated more emphatically. "Anything? Booze?" He paused, his tone lowered, a shit-eating grin on his face and voice. "…Women?" Alex almost choked on her beer again at that question and her wide eyes went straight to Cas to see his response.

Castiel was suddenly very visibly uncomfortable and said nothing, only looked at Alex and faltered nervously. Dean looked shocked. "You have been with women before... right? Or an angel or something? You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud-seeding?" Alex sputtered at her brother's words and decided to stop trying to drink altogether for fear of choking herself. Holy shit this was the most awkward moment ever.

Cas seemed almost riled by the line of questioning. "I've never had occasion, okay?"

Alex thought she recognized that look on his face. Embarrassment. "Dean… leave him alone," Alex said, setting down her beer hard on the table. She felt sort of protective, if also very flustered.

Dean only shook his head, looking determined. "No way, Al. This is too good." He looked at Cas pointedly. "Lemme tell you something. There are two things I know for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch."

Cas looked positively scared and Alex looked at her brother like he'd sprouted horns. "Oh my god—you're gonna try and get an angel laid!?"

Dean feigned great thoughtfulness. "Mmm…" he pretended to think hard then grinned. "Yeah."

Mad for reasons she didn't totally get, Alex gave her brother an evil eye. She felt put on the spot and incredibly embarrassed, like everyone could see straight through her. Hot-blooded and shaking slightly, she thinned her mouth briefly. "You're an idiot," she declared, then stalked out of the house, needing a damn cigarette.

Cas stood as Alex left, his expression strange, almost afraid. "Dean, I don't think that—"

"I don't care what you think, bud," Dean said, grabbing his jacket. "You need to get laid, and pronto."

"But why?"

"Because you're a virgin!" Dean exclaimed, as if being a virgin were a horrible disease. "You gotta take care of that, pronto."

Castiel's eyes narrowed as the wheels in his head turned. "Dean, I don't understand why you are so adamant about this. Why haven't you shown the same concern for Alex's virginity?"

Dean did a double take and sputtered. "What?!" He fumbled a minute. "A vi—how the hell do you know that about her?!"

Castiel raised his chin a little bit. "I know everything about her body. And yours. And any other body I encounter. You had your tonsils removed at age fifteen, and—"

"Okay, okay, I get it. Wow," Dean said, rolling his eyes, then reflected briefly, kind of stunned by this revelation. "Well, I was pretty sure she was, you know, a, a—that—I mean she's never even had a boyfriend and I've been with her like every freaking moment of every freaking day for the most part, but… I wasn't totally sure… huh."

Cas became more puzzled by the second. "So you're not anxious to… 'get her laid'?"

The hunter's face dropped. "Hey! Don't talk that way about my sister!" Dean snapped, approaching the angel with sudden anger.

Cas's eyes narrowed, tilting his head sidelong as he frowned. "But if virginity is such a stigma, and both she and I are virgins, then surely the two of us cou—"

Dean's jaw almost hit the floor as his eyes went wide. "No. No, no, NO. Don't even imply that. Oh my god!" He threw out a commanding finger at the angel. "Don't you ever even think that again, you hear me?"

"Yes, of course I hear you," Cas answered. "My ears function perfectly. But I don't understand…"

"Understand this," Dean growled. "Any perv who so much as thinks about touching my little sister is dead. Six feet under, dead." Perplexed, Castiel carefully explored Dean's logic but couldn't find understanding. The hunter was rubbing his forehead, changing from angry to sad. "She's never had luck with people, Cas, I wouldn't expect you to understand but—" he sighed, eyes on memories that pained him. "I don't trust anyone with her, all right? Anyone. In any kinda way. Period." He visibly changed the places his mind was going to and clapped a hand onto Cas's shoulder while looking at him pointedly, leaving the talk of Alex behind. "This doesn't matter, all right? We're not talking about her problems. We're talking about yours. Now, let's go find you a woman to make you into a real man."

Dean steered Castiel toward the door of the house and out into the night. They found Alex huffing on a cigarette and pacing the yard. Dean stalked up to her and snatched the cigarette out of her mouth without ceremony and threw it to the ground, stamping on it with his foot. "Hey!" she protested, even as he shoved his hand into her jacket pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He wagged it at her angrily.

"I thought I told you to stop this crap two days ago!" He drew back his arm and flung it as far as he could into the dark night.

"Hey!" she protested again, angrier this time.

Dean pointed a warning finger at her. "You stop this crap! It's nasty!"

"So is cirrhosis of the liver, but I've never tried to keep you from achieving that dream."

Her brother grew cold at the alcoholism jab. He gave her a wan look and then turned toward the Impala. "We'll be back."

Her expression fell and she looked at Cas briefly for explanation. "What?" Her bravado was gone in lieu of panic. "Where are you going?"

Dean looked at her with a half-smirk. "You know where."

Alex gaped at him, then quickly looked at the angel.

Castiel appeared uncertain. "I'm told it's necessary."

"Quit being a cockblock," Dean said in a dismissing tone to his sister.

If looks could kill, Dean would have been dead underneath the glower Alex was giving him. "Yeah fine," she retorted, "but you gotta be crazy if you think I'm staying at this creepy ass house all by myself." She looked at Cas, who was beginning to appear more and more worried. "Plus, you know, uh... moral support?"

"Yeah, fine, whatever," Dean said, and got into the car with a slam of the door. Alex and Cas didn't move—they stood there just looking at each other for a short, strange moment in which Cas felt his heart rate picking up. Cas almost asked Alex to help get him out of this insane plan of achieving sexual intercourse. But then Dean hollered an impatient, "move your asses!" and when Alex got into the car, Cas got into the car too.

Low, thumping music pulsed through the "strip club" that was clearly a lot more than that. Seated at a flimsy table near the stage where strippers swayed, Dean leaned over the table and fixed Cas with a commanding stare. "Hey. Relax."

"This is a den of iniquity," Castiel said nervously, eyes darting around like a frightened animal. "I should not be here."

"Dude, you full on rebelled against Heaven," Dean said, brushing Cas's concerns aside. "Iniquity is one of the perks."

Nearby, one of the women had set her sights on them. With an enormous amount of grace and poise, Dean pointed at Cas animatedly and waved the woman over like he was hitching a ride on the highway. "Showtime!" he said, grinning.

Cas seemed to shrink a little into his chair and he briefly caught Alex's gaze—they sat directly across from each other. Help me, she imagined he was thinking. But that had to be wishful thinking, right? She pulled her huge mug of beer close in both hands, lips on the rim, trying to disappear. Why had she come along for this?! Bad idea. Stupid idea.

The scantily clad woman arrived at their table and Alex stared openly. The stripper was super close and smelled of strong perfume. She wore almost nothing—just a sheer, gauzy white lingerie thing. Her huge, fake breasts were pushed up high, squished together with a huge, garish bow in the center where the cleavage dipped low. She had unnaturally blonde hair and eyes lined heavily in black, her skin was an orange kind of color. She didn't look real or like she had much going on in the general area of her brain, but somehow, Alex was still intimidated.

"Hi," the woman said flirtatiously, looking at Cas with suggestive eyes. "What's your name?"

Castiel tried not to look at her. In fact, it almost looked like he was going to be sick, and Alex put her beer down, holding it with tight fingers. If Cas didn't want to do this, he shouldn't let Dean pressure him into it. "Cas," Dean put in for the silent angel. "His name is Cas." He leaned forward, a playful, coy smile on his face as he flirted with the stripper. "What's your name?"

"Chastity," she purred.

Alex snorted at the irony. "That's fucking rich." Castiel shakily lifted his mug of beer and gulped it down fast. The woman's boobs were close enough to Alex that she couldn't resist. She reached out and poked an index finger into one. "How much did these things cost?"

Chastity gaped and stepped back. "Excuse me!"

"Hey, hey, whoa whoa whoa, don't pay attention to her," Dean said, sending Alex a meaningful scowl and then grinning at Chastity, trying to appease her. He gestured at Cas and wiggled his eyebrows. "He likes you, you like him, so—" he spread his hands out and sat back, the picture of self-content. "Dayenu!"

"No, I don—" Cas started.

Chastity was already tugging Cas up by the hand. "Come on, baby."

Cas looked back at Alex, full of alarm, and as a result, she began to feel the same way. Alex thought her tight grip on her mug of beer might shatter the glass and she suddenly stood up, drawing a questioning gaze from Dean and Chastity. She was flaming hot from embarrassment, but she just looked at Cas, trying to back him up and stand up for him somehow. "You… you don't have to, Cas, if you don't want to."

Dean got up too, his chair scraping the floor loudly as he rolled his eyes. "He wants to." He smacked a bunch of bills into Cas's chest after giving Alex an impatient glance. "Hey, listen. Take this. If she asks for a credit card, say no. Now just stick to the basics, okay? Do not order off the menu. Go get her, tiger."

Cas took the money awkwardly, very unsure about what was about to happen. Alex looked at him wordlessly, trying to let him know that if he had said the word, she would lay that skank out right then and there. But Dean stepped forward, blocking their view of each other. "Come on, Cas! Don't make me push you." Dean said, then did just that: physically pushed Cas backward. "I know you want to, now go! Make me proud!"

Chastity was pulling on Cas and without a word, Cas went along with it, allowing the blonde to lead him away by the hand toward the back of the club. Alex watched, slack-jawed and almost angry, especially when Chastity smiled back at Cas alluringly.

"Hey, what have I told you about being rude to strippers?" Dean asked, demanding her gaze.

Indignant, Alex whirled on him. "And what have I told you about hookers?!"

He was pleased with himself and it showed. "I forget. Heh." He took his seat again, glancing up at a nearby dancing girl.

"Shithead," Alex muttered, basically seething.

"Ah, come on," he said, verbally swatting her away, taking a sip of his beer. "Lighten up. Even angels need to get some."

She wanted to hit him, honestly. But instead she stared at the door where Cas and Chastity had disappeared through. She pictured herself striding through that door, ripping that bimbo off of Cas's half-naked body and throwing her across the room. What the hell! Get a grip, Alex. No one forced Cas to go in there. He went of his own free will. Still... clenching her jaw, Alex she shook her head at herself and in frustration she knocked a chair over, grabbed her beer, and went to the opposite end of the club, ignoring Dean and sliding into a quiet, dark corner booth. There she proceeded to stew over her beer while trying to decide if she should go in after Castiel or not.

It was literally ten seconds after she'd sat down that a crusty redneck trucker-looking guy in his forties sidled up to her. "Hey sweetheart. You here to watch the show? That's kinda hot."

Alex gave him a harsh look. "Screw off."

Instead, he sat down at the booth with her, grinning, looking her up and down appraisingly. "I mean, if you're looking for a good time, I uh, would love to get to know you."

Getting real agitated real quick, Alex stared away pointedly, trying to control herself. "Listen, asshole. I'm not interested. Not now, not ever, so get lost."

He scooted a little closer, trying to wrap his arm around her. "Come on baby, just lemme buy you a drink, that's all."

He smelled like alcohol—but drunk as fuck or not, she shot him a dangerous glare, shoving his arm away hard. Do not fuck with me. The guy seemed to be amused by her agitation, like he found it cute. She raised a single eyebrow, gave him one last warning, her expression deadly. Below the table, her hand was sliding down to the back of her jeans, where her knife was tucked into its sheath. Her fingers wrapped around the handle. "I said, leave—me—alone," she growled.

"Don't be like that, sweetie—" the guy said, but never finished his sentence. In a blur of motion, Alex stabbed her hunting knife down into the table, right between his fingers with a sickening thwack, missing cutting off his middle finger by millimeters.

The guy yelled out and yanked his hand away, flailing backwards, staring at her in total shock. She was still gripping the hilt of the knife as she leaned forward a little bit into his face. Her voice dripped with sarcasm. "Unless you wanna lose a limb, baby… back… off." She yanked the knife out of the table even as he stumbled out of the booth, shaken and terrified.

"You crazy bitch!" he said, even as he practically ran the opposite direction.

She chuckled at that, put her knife back in its sheath, then returned to her beer… and noticed Dean had disappeared. Where the hell was he? Probably in the back… ugh. She stared at the mug of beer in front of her, her stomach churning. Why did she come along for this? What the hell was she thinking? That Cas was gonna change his mind and then want to hang out with her or something? Oh my god you're pathetic. Alex couldn't stand it anymore and she stood up to throw her beer glass at the wall. It shattered and she stalked out of the club under the questioning, startled gazes of patrons and strippers alike. She didn't take much notice.

She was too busy imagining Cas and that stupid woman all over him, pulling off his clothes. At first, she pictured him terrified, laying there, afraid for his life, cowering, wide-eyed as that bitch crawled onto him like a bug. That was a bad mental image, but the next one was far worse, and on the opposite end of the spectrum. She pictured Castiel hungrily sweeping Chastity up into his strong arms, throwing her down on the bed roughly, ripping her lingerie off, taking her passionately. Both images made her want to rip someone's eyes out.

She ran a hand through her hair in agitation, reaching the end of the building where the alleyway started.

"Come on baby, let's get you more comfortable," Chastity said, walking Cas forward, her chest pressing into his as she tugged on his tie. They were in a darkened room that was small and had a large bed in it and she wouldn't stop touching him, leaning into him.

"I, I assure you, I'm perfectly comfortable—" he lied, trying not to be rude, holding his hands out to keep her at a respectable distance from himself. She smelled very strangely and was looking at him in a way he found disturbing—he suddenly found the backs of his lower legs had hit against the bed and he fell slightly to sit down there. Chastity was already climbing on top of him, her legs straddling his. She was making soft little mmm sounds that made him feel afraid. Her hands ran up his chest through his shirt and pushed at his coat a little. She was trying to undress him. He tensed, trying to stop her from what she was doing. "Y-you're making me less comfortable," he said, and then she nipped at his neck with her mouth—was she trying to taste him? Cas felt frozen in the worst way possible and unsure of how to escape. Chastity ran her tongue along the place just below his ear even as she stuck her hands down low between their bodies and began to undo his belt. Castiel was no longer able to be polite as his mind clanged with the word no over and over. You don't have to Cas, if you don't want to. Alex's words, words that he decided to get behind. He grabbed Chastity by the upper arms and pushed her away.

She reacted immediately. "What the hell is your problem?" she asked, face conveying her aghast, angry emotions. "Don't push me. Straight up stuff only. No roughhousing." As quickly as her anger had shown itself, her face suddenly transformed into the coy, flirtatious mask it had been before and she approached him again, tried to touch him—but Castiel held her back, looked at her in the eyes, deeply.

Usually he would ask permission before reading a mind, but today, he didn't. He was desperate for some way to get her mind off of touching him. He didn't like her touching him. "I see pain in you, Chastity," he said, seeing everything about her in a small second. "It's not your fault that your father Gene ran away. It was because he hated his job at the post office. You work this job because you have no self-esteem and want to be loved as you never were as a child."

Chastity's expression went cold with shock, then dark with anger. And then without warning she drew back and slapped him in the face, began screaming insults and telling him to get out… then thankfully pushed him away.

Alex paced the alleyway with short patience. She heard footsteps right behind her and turned to see the guy who had bothered her in the club and another guy. Oh shit—she recognized that vengeful glint in his eye, and turned to make a run for it, but he was already too close and caught her by the arm then shoved her up against the wall in the dark alleyway. "You crazy, dumb bitch! No one tries to cut my fingers off!"

He had yellow teeth and red ruddy skin from drinking too much. He was slow and stupid and drunk. "Oh, is that right, Billy Joe Bob?" He seemed momentarily confused by her calm, nonchalant demeanor. And then, he was doubled over after she violently kneed him in the balls and smashed him in the top of the head with her elbow. She broke out of his grip only to get grabbed by the second guy, who bear-hugged her, pretty much disabling her. He wasn't as drunk or stupid as his friend. "Hey!" she shouted, wiggling hard and trying to get free. The first guy had already recovered from her assault and helped his buddy slam her back against the wall. Both men held her there against the wall, not just her arms, but her legs. Pissed more than anything else, Alex thrashed violently, seething.

"Hey!" came a thundering shout—Dean?

Then a low, threatening voice—Castiel. "Get away from her. Now."

Her attackers turned to look, and Alex could see her murderous brother accompanied by Castiel. The look on the angel's face was devastating.

Cas reached out and practically ripped one guy off Alex; throwing him across the alley with brutal force where he smashed into some dumpsters and ceased to move. Dean had simultaneously grabbed the second guy and bashed him in the face with his fist, knocking him out cold in one enraged punch.

Alex couldn't help it. She was impressed at the show of strength and looked at Cas in a mixture of appreciation and then... dread. She took in his loose tie, the trench coat all askew, his partially unbuckled belt. She swallowed, suddenly feeling a little queasy. Had he...? Did they…? He was oblivious to her wandering, questioning gaze and had grasped her just above the elbow, looking at her sternly, leaning in, his eyes demanding a quick answer. His touch sort of startled her. "Are you injured?" he asked. "Did these men hurt you?"

His closeness also caught her off guard. "N-no, I—"

Dean pushed Cas aside, looking at Alex with a horrified, savage expression. "You okay? What were they—"

Crowded, Alex held her hands up to tell them to back up. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I totally had that." She straightened and gave Cas a questioning look. "So um that... didn't take you very long."

He remained silent, obviously not understanding the implication. Dean chuckled ruefully. "Cas scared her off with all his angel ESP stuff. Messed the whole thing up."

"Oh," Alex said, trying not to sound as relieved as she felt. "So no…" she shook her head, trying to appear like she was searching for the words. "No, consummation, or…"

No. No consummation. Cas's expression confirmed.

"Wow, come to the current century, Chaucer," Dean commented and Alex rolled her eyes at her brother, then brushed past and went over to the unconscious form of one of the guys who had attacked her. She yanked him over onto his stomach, sticking her hand in his back pocket as she told herself to get a grip. Cas's sex life wasn't any of her business, anyway.

Cas looked stunned. "...What are you doing?"

Pulling out the guy's wallet, she wagged it at him. "Hey, this guy needs to make the pain in my ass he's been worth my while." She pulled out several hundred-dollar bills, impressed with the find. "Not bad."

Dean was going through the other guy's wallet and Castiel came to Alex, who was counting bills. He fixed her with a stern expression. "You shouldn't be so nonchalant."

"Relax, Cas. Everything's fine," she said, avoiding looking at him in the current moment.

His intensity didn't waver. "No, I shouldn't have allowed Dean to distract me." His expression changed slightly, and she didn't know how to interpret it. "My duty is to protect you." It was said so vehemently, and combined with his gaze, Alex was temporarily stilled.

His eyes made it hard for her to find words. Flustered, she got outwardly pissy. "...I'm fine," she told him, then had to brush past him to avoid looking at him. She hardened her voice. "I protect myself, okay?"

"Like you just did a minute ago?" he challenged.

Alex stopped and turned, head tilted to the side. She was pleasantly surprised. "Cas… was that... sarcasm?" She cracked a grin. "Very good, young grasshopper."

He just frowned. "I'm not an insect."

God, Cas. He didn't know how cute he was. "I know you're not," she said, her tone decidedly fond. She smiled again, and on a whim she reached out and fixed his tie, sliding the knot back up to its rightful place. Her thumb just barely brushed against the skin of his neck, and somehow, that simple, mistaken touch against the warmth of his skin made her smile fade. And then she made the mistake of looking him in the eyes again. His gaze was locked on hers, and it suddenly felt incredibly intense. Why did he look like he was asking her a question with that smoldering gaze of his? And what was the question? Alex's expression fell and she pulled away from him, unsure of how to react... and if she was reading into things wrong.

"Dude, this guy has a bunch of church business cards in his wallet," Dean said, amused at his findings in the guy's wallet and oblivious to Cas and Alex. Alex felt shaken—not by the attack, but by Cas. She turned away silently with her hands in her pockets, leaving the guys to lag behind a little bit.

"Man, I mean, I still think we should try again," Dean said to Cas, pocketing the cash he'd taken. "There's more clubs around here, and—"

"No, Dean," Castiel said almost wearily as they began walking to the car.

"Aw don't be like that, Cas," Dean said. "I still don't get why you didn't make it with Chastity. I mean, dude, she was beautiful!"

"No, she was not," Cas corrected.

"Oh, come on, you got nothing to judge her against." Dean scoffed as they came to a stop at the car. Alex was already in the back seat, shutting the door behind herself. Dean looked at Cas over the roof. "I mean, how many women have you even seen in your lifetime, like five?"

Cas's head tilted to the side just slightly, as if what Dean had suggested was ridiculous. "All of them."

Dean looked a little put off. "Well. Uh. Touché. Well, maybe your thing isn't blondes, huh?" He chuckled. "Brunettes!" Cas's gaze faltered, his eyes sliding over to Alex. Dean, too busy laughing as he got into the car, didn't notice.

Later That Night

Alex sat out on the dilapidated porch, not really doing anything. Just awake. A few empty beer bottles were beside her, a twelve-pack she was working on. She heard the front door open behind her and she listened. Heavy footsteps were coming close to her. Dean came down one step below her, his familiar shape and size sort of comforting and annoying at the same time. "Whatcha doing?"

"Nothing," she replied carelessly, glancing sidelong at him tersely.

He looked at her a couple beats. "You should get some rest. Big day tomorrow." She shot him a quasi-defiant look. There was a short silence. "You're still mad about your smokes," he assumed. Alex made a face. Not really, but if he thought that, fine. He sat beside her, let out a 'whoosh' of air, cleared his throat. "Right. So... uh, awkward subject." Alex's head turned slowly, her expression quickly becoming suspicious. Dean looked highly uncomfortable. This couldn't be good. He searched the sky, not looking at her. "So uh—Cas told me you're a… you know… a, uh, a... that you've never slept with anyone."

Alex's face went completely blank, her mouth dropping open from the punch of shock to her stomach. "What? How did he—" she stopped, disgruntled because of course Cas always freaking knew everything. She rubbed the back of her neck self-consciously, getting sullen quickly. "Whatever. Don't talk to me about that."

More awkward than she had ever seen him, Dean clasped his hands together as he leaned over his knees. "Alex, uh… abstinence is the kind of choice that—"

"Abstinence?!" she exclaimed in utter embarrassed horror. He'd lost his damn mind. "Are you being serious right now?" He looked kind of surprised at her reaction, which just proved how dumb he was about things like this. Mortification had taken on new meaning in this moment. "Jesus Dean," she muttered tightly, then decided to give him a little insight in case he really was that dense. "If you really must know... it just… it just turned out this way. It's not on purpose. Your sister is just a freak of nature, in like every last way." She let out a laugh of dry, humorless air, trying for plucky sarcasm. "And I don't need to feel any more defective than I already do, so can we change the subject?"

Very uncomfortable, Dean scratched the back of his neck. "Sorry," he apologized. He sounded embarrassed. With a big pause, he hesitated before speaking up again. "I mean, you... you can talk to me about anything, though. Is all I wanted to say." The kind comment made her feel guilty. Alex's eyes slunk to his, and saw that he looked serious and concerned, plus apologetic.

It wasn't something she'd really talked to him or anyone about before. It was her dark secret and another reminder of how abnormal she was. And even though she'd just said to drop the subject, something that had always been weighing on her demanded to be said. She looked up at the stars, her heart wrenching as she lamented how much of a loser she was. "Do you know I've had one kiss my whole life?" This would be the first time she'd told this to a soul. Speaking it out loud felt more pathetic than she'd thought. A pained smile pressed across her face, an attempt to cover the hurt. "And it was all a stupid joke." Dean's face registered shock.

"When was this?" Dean implored cautiously, sounding a lot softer now.

Her smile faded. A long silence passed, and she wasn't sure she would tell him at all. But she ended up taking in a deep breath and barreling forward. "Fifth grade. Kevin Dukes. Passed me notes in class… said he liked me. That I was pretty. I couldn't believe it." Alex huffed and picked at a splinter next to herself. "He took me to a classroom that I thought was empty, told me he liked me... kissed me… then a bunch of the kids came out from where they were hiding and they all started to laugh at me and say…" she trailed off, haunted. "The most punkass shit." She went quiet. Those memories still hurt as bad as they had the day they happened. The laughter still sounded so crystal clear in her mind. She would never understand the cruelty of humans.

"Son of a bitch," Dean commented hollowly. "You shoulda told me. I woulda kicked his ass all the way to China—all their asses."

Alex looked at him plainly. "Why do you think I ended up dropping out of school, Dean? Stuff like that." Thinking about it made her feel sorry for that kid she'd been. "Kind of gets under your skin. Makes you feel…" she trailed off, her expression pained. She couldn't seem to say anything else. Dean took a contemplating beat, then scooted a little closer and slid an understanding arm around her.

"Hey," he said, a single word filled with brotherly care and affection. She leaned into him wordlessly. Dean was quiet and thoughtful, more sensitive than before. "Don't give up," is all he said after a moment.

Alex chuckled humorlessly, because otherwise she'd spiral. "I'm starting to think the possibility of God being real is more plausible than me ever finding a boyfriend, Dean." She was trying to poke fun at herself, but it was a sore subject. And Dean could tell how she really felt.

"Pity party, Alexandra, really?" he lectured, gentle and joking to lighten the mood. "Come on now." Rolling her eyes and trying not to smile at his teasing, Alex looked at him fully. The teasing fell away to something more earnest. "Trust me," he said, and this kind of made her sad for him: "It's all overrated anyway."

Maybe. But she wanted to know for herself.

"Don't tell anyone," she requested quietly after a long pause. He nodded understanding. "And don't talk to me about this ever again either," she admonished... but it was kept reasonably playful. He nodded again, acknowledging with expression alone that he hadn't really thought it through and wouldn't make that mistake again.

"You got it," he said, and squeezed her shoulder then started to get up. He paused once on his feet, like he had more to say—then settled on, "I'll uh, be inside if you need anything."

She nodded and didn't watch as he retreated. The door shut behind him and she was alone again. She took in a deep breath, shut her eyes, and then looked back up at the stars as her frazzled nerves began to unwind in solitude. And then she got instantly aggravated when she heard the door opening again. "What now?" she asked kind of rudely, looking up and back because she just wanted some peace and quiet and Dean knew that. She went silent when she saw who it was. Cas. Surprised, she blinked a couple times. "Oh. It's you." Immediately, her nerves picked back up.

"Hello Alex." The angel came down to her stair and sat beside her—and she could see that he remembered his lesson: He leaned his arms over his legs casually, just like she'd shown him.

That brought a little smile to her face and she reached for the twelve-pack near her foot, forgetting her angst momentarily. "Want a beer?" She cracked it open on the edge of the porch for him and handed it over, noticing his fingers and the way they felt when he reached out and took the beer.

He sampled it slowly. It was a darker brew than the one he'd had at the strip club. A frown creased his face as he stared at the beer sourly. "This tastes disgusting."

She looked at him sidelong, trying to figure out how he was so weirdly sweet. "You get used to it," she replied softly.

"I'm just not sure why anyone would want to," he said honestly, earning another little amused smile Alex tried to hide. He set the bottle down and then there was a long silence. So long that Alex gave up on a conversation and instead drank in the sight of the stars. It was kind of nice, the mutual silence. Comfortable, even. And then Cas's voice cut through her thoughts, startling her.

"I should have been there to protect you tonight."

Alex heaved a rueful sigh. She should have known he wouldn't let that go. "Cas. I told you already. I've got my own back," she said, gesturing errantly with her beer. "So I get beat up sometimes, no big deal. Goes with the lifestyle."

He said nothing else for a long moment. He stared broodingly out into the dark, overgrown yard for a long moment. "Count your scars."

Alex felt her eyebrows pressing in together as she looked at him. "Huh?"

Even in the dark, the hue of his eyes was brilliant and startling. He looked pained. "That's how many times you needed me and I wasn't there."

The words were a shock and a thrill all at once—almost romantic which no way they could be romantic. Right? Alex gave him an odd look, a little more than unsure how to respond. She felt flustered and immediately silly, but most of all confused. "What is that, a pickup line?" she joked uncertainly, then decided to imply he was being cheesy while she laughed it off to cover up her true curiosity. "Have uh, have you been reading romance novels?"

He got one of those tiny, knowing smiles as his eyes traveled her face. "I believe that's what you've been doing."

The comment, combined with the look on his face, almost made her jaw drop. Unless she was mistaken, he was being playful. When had he picked that up? Grinning and certainly turning red, she cringed and scratched her neck self-consciously. "Busted," she admitted sheepishly.

He was smiling too. Just the corners of his mouth upturned, the edges of his eyes wrinkling. And feeling like they shared an inside joke or something, Alex playfully nudged her shoulder against his before she could think it through. Then she regretted it and cursed herself for being tipsy. She let out a long sigh as her smile faded slowly into a confused expression. She didn't know how to act around him.

Cas didn't seem bothered. He peered at her a moment, concern covering his face after a moment of softness had rendered his face younger. "To be honest, Alex, I regret not acting sooner," the angel said quietly, still thinking about his statement about her scars, apparently. His grave tone voice transfixed her. "Letting Sam hit you. Letting harm befall you at all. I hated seeing that. I didn't want it to happen."

Cautious, Alex let her eyes search his for a moment, her somber expression mirroring his. "Look, I appreciate you caring. But seriously. I'm okay, Cas." And she was. She broke the grim atmosphere with a playful expression. "Not to brag, but… I'm a tough bird. I can take the hits."

Without missing a beat, he replied. "You shouldn't have to."

Her playful expression fell. Awkward again—everything was awkward again. "Yeah, well," she replied uncertainly. "Someone has to." He had this way of always knocking her off her feet and it mystified her. Anyone else saying she shouldn't have to go through pain or be hurt and she would have been offended—that she was being pitied. But Cas… when he said stuff like that, it didn't seem that way. How did it seem? She couldn't quite put her finger on it. She changed the subject, trying to find a less intense moment. "So," she cleared her throat, leaning heavily over her knees to fix him with an appraising look. "How are you doing after the whole… Chastity thing?" She tried not to sound overly curious.

"I'm..." he contemplated, leaning a little over his knees too, looking at the way she did it. "Well, it was certainly a very... strange experience."

That was cryptic. Alex wet her lips and took another swig of beer to just fill in the silence, trying to decide if she should ask what she wanted to know or not. Apparently there'd been no sex but… what had there been? Feigning casual half-interest, she pretended to be studying and squinting at a distant star. "So did she… did she, uh, kiss you?"

"Yes." Alex's eyes widened a little and darted to him, even as he placed a finger against his neck. "Here."

She was immediately relieved, as absurd as that might have been. "...Oh," she said softly. "So... not a real kiss."

Her words caused him great intrigue and he tilted his head to the side. "And what makes a kiss real?"

Unprepared to answer, Alex fumbled. She imagined kissing him without even meaning to. "Wha—well, I guess… on the mouth," she mumbled awkwardly, still seeing them kissing in her mind's eye. She straightened, trying to get herself out of the hole she was digging. Trying to stop envisioning what she was envisioning. "I was just um, you know, asking because I thought it would be kind of weird if an angel had his first kiss with a… a stripper or whatever." Honestly, the thought of him kissing anyone upset her.

"The term 'irony' comes to mind," Castiel commented, surprising her yet again.

"Yeah. Irony," she agreed softly, sending another little smile his way before she leaned her elbows on the stair one level up. She had to be cool and act outwardly chill, like she wasn't sorta-kinda-maybe crushing on him. Glancing sidelong, she was instantly intimidated all over again at that gentle intensity he watched her with. Intimidated, and intrigued. Returning her gaze to the stars, she took a couple seconds to unfluster herself. That's when she began to wonder. "So if it is our last night on earth..." she began momentarily. "And it was totally up to you what you wanted to do, not Dean—and you could do anything you wanted—what would you wanna do?"

His answer came after consideration that didn't last that long at all. "I think I'd want to do exactly this," he answered with poignant, striking honestly. And there it was again: That intense, consuming feeling brought on by the way he looked at her. In the dark, his eyes seemed so full. "To sit here with you," he clarified, and there was a fondness in his gaze. A purity. And deep inside of Alex's chest, she felt a warm, strong pull accompanied by an unexpected instance of very vulnerable, deep emotion she didn't know what to do with. Cas's face changed as hers did, becoming studiously concerned and vexed. "...Why do you look sad?" he questioned softly, and their eyes held without breaking.

She was terrified to tell him, but more terrified of not telling him. The truth slipped out despite her best intentions. "I'm afraid," she admitted in a whisper, barely audible at all—and she choked out the second half of the sentence. "F-for you." It felt so revealing to say, but she had to say it: "I... I don't wanna lose you." Her own pounding heartbeat filled her ears. "...Once was bad enough." The confusing pain she'd felt when he'd been thought dead was still so fresh in her heart, bewildering and beguiling her.

Her words certainly affected him—to the point of utter silent contemplation. Mystified and captivated, Castiel's soft expression and unguarded eyes were impossible to look away from. Alex swallowed dryly, imagining leaning across the separating distance and kissing him—wondering how he would respond to her if she did. More and more freaked by the second by this uncharted territory and overwhelming feelings, she panicked and fell back onto the safety of kidding around. Because she had to have it wrong. He wasn't looking at her like she thought he was. He couldn't be. "So we, uh, gotta agree on it," she joked uncomfortably. "No dying." His gentle gaze didn't change, and her plastered smile faltered and fell as the intensity became unbearable and terrifying. Beginning to panic at the feelings rising up, Alex took the coward's way out. "I uh... I gotta go inside." With startling abruptness and zero eye contact, she stood up and fled into the house, trying to escape his soulful gaze and the feelings it stirred.

She didn't sleep well that night.