"Kagami! It is Marinette's birthday in a week, and I know the perfect way to surprise her!" Adrien said to one of his two girlfriends.

"Oh?" Kagami asked.

"We're treating her to a self-made dinner. I mean, Marinette spoils us with her own treats and family recipes, so I thought we could give her a culinary indulgence in return." Adrien said.

"But neither of us can cook. I can't even boil an egg." Kagami said.

"Nothing to worry, Alya's mom gives cooking classes, she even has a quick course for dummies. We are two smart people, we will be able to figure it out." Adrien noted.

"Well, it is for Marinette. And I'm open to new experiences. Like that time Marinette did that thing with her finger..." Kagami noted.

"Not in public!" Adrien noted.

"Welcome everyone, I am Marlena Césaire, head chef at the Grand Paris Hotel, and I'll be your teacher for the day." Alya's mother said as she appeared in front of the class.

"Lila, why the heck are you here?" Adrien asked annoyed.

"My mom forced me. She was tired of me spending so much money on take-out food and told me that if I wanted something to eat in the future I had to cook it myself." Lila said.

"No lies about knowing famous chefs?" Kagami asked.

"Not in front of Alya's mom, I'd be found out in seconds. I'm not that stupid." Lila noted.

"Could have fooled me." Adrien scoffed.

"We are going to start simple again, by boiling eggs. And to do so, we have to boil some water first. So put the pan with water on the stove and crank up the heat..." Marlena instructed.

Five seconds later Adrien had to empty an extinguisher on his work station because he somehow managed to set his pan of water on fire. "Oh come on! How!"

Kagami turned her pan, upside down...and out of it fell a block of ice. "Something tells me I did it wrong." she stated dryly.

"Hah! You two are the worst cooks ever!" Lila mocked. Then a shark popped out of her pan of water, ate Lila in one gulp and then retreated back into her pan. A belch could be heard.

"We'll resume class...as soon as Miss Rossi passed through that Shark's digestion." Marlena stated.

"Sorry about me mess, ma'am!" Adrien said sheepishly.

"Not everyone gets cooking right at the start. Besides, that's not even the worst cooking disaster I've seen." Marlena said.

"It isn't? But then what..." Kagami asked. "She then stopped herself. "Never mind, I don't think I want to know. "

"Now...another simple dish is making a salad. You have different types of salads, vegetables, dressing and extras in front of you, so if you mix them according to your preference..." Marlena said.

Adrien had to extinguish his burning failed attempt at mixing a salad. "Come on! How! I didn't even heat up the salad of add any spicy mixtures."

Kagami's salad was even weirder, in the fact is somehow mutated into a Venus Flytrap-like creature that was roaring in he face. Kagami remained stoic. "Down!" She commanded the creature, which flinched. She grabbed a nearby spoon and slammed the table next to the bowl the creature spouted from. "I said down!" the creature whimpered and looked down.

Lila's corner of the room looked even worse, it was like a jungle had grown out of her bowl. She was dragged into a tree and tied up in vines by a couple of chimps and now they were going through her hair. "Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" she growled. That caused the chimps to howl in anger and beating her.

"This class is a disaster." Adrien noted.

"It still isn't the worst class I had." Marlena said.

"Seriously, whom did you teach before?" Adrien asked.

"Let's just say I'll never let the twins near anything kitchen-related anything again." Marlena told them.

"Somebody help me." Lila screamed from the tress as the chimps pummeled her.

"Best to let them get it out of their system. Chimps can be dangerous." Marlena said.

Kagami was now scratching the flytrap salad monster behind where a dog's ears should be, and it purred happily. "A bit of discipline and a bit of kindness and you can tame any pet. Say Adrien, can we keep it? It would make a great practice baby for us and Marinette."

"Er..." Adrien said as the flytrap extending its neck so it could get closer to Adrien's face and lick him, causing him to giggle. "He is pretty darling. And hey, it won't violate the health code for the bakery or my dad's 'no pet' rules."

"That better be mud you are going to throw at me!" Lila said from inside her tree prison.

Once the mess with the salad was cleaned up, it was time for the next part. "Now, take your cupcakes out of the oven." Marlena said in a chipper tone of voice.

"Oh my, they are really hot." Adrien said as his black and burnt cupcakes were pulled out. He dropped them, and saw that they had burned holes straight throught he floor. "Oh boy..."

"They seem ok." Kagami said as her cupcakes indeed looked normal. She grabbed one and tried to take a bite, but after an experimental nibble, she found she couldn't bite through them. "Oh, those are hard." She dropped one to the floor, and the tile it was dropped one cracked. "Oh dear..."

Lila was nervous to open her oven, afraid of what her result may be. After closing her eyes and shivering she ripped open the oven door. She found nothing happened. She opened her eyes. "Where are the cupcakes? I am certain I put them in..." A piano then fell on her. "Oh come on!" she moaned. Then the floor collapsed, and she and the piano fell through the floor. "Gah! I fell on something hot and burning!"

"Oh, Lila found my cupcakes!" Adrien said happily.

"Adrien, I think we are hopeless. I think we just buy Marinette some materials for her fashion hobby. Besides, her parents will probably cook a lot better then we do." Kagami noted.

"Sorry for wasting your time, Miss Cesaire." Adrien said.

"No worries, you don't know what you can do until your try it. And you tried, that's important. Tell Marinette I said 'hi' okay?" Marlena said.

"Oh, you didn't have to go through that for me. I know cooking is out of your comfort zone. And it's no biggie for me to cook for you. I enjoy making the food as much as you enjoy eating it. My parents do too." Marinette said as she comforted her boyfriend and girlfriend.

"It's just...you can do so much. Me and Gami have some talents but none of those translate well into finding gifts for you." Adrien said.

"And giving you materials or coupons for your fashion work, is useful but if we do it every time it doesn't show much imagination." Kagami added.

"That's not bad. It is at least a gift I'll always have use for. The best thing I can ask for on my birthday is you two, my friends and family around me, as cheesy as that sounds." Marinette assured them. "Though it wasn't a total waste." Marinette said as she petted the flytrap plant creature Kagami created by preparing salad in cooking class. He purred at her touch. "Finally a pet that won't violate the healthcare codes. And I've taken care of many plants before so he should be no problem."

"I guess it wasn't all bad if it resulted into Salad. And we also got to see Lila suffer." Kagami said.

"Was she there too? Was she being a bitch again?" Marinette asked.

"If she wasn't we wouldn't enjoy her suffering. Or she wouldn't be Lila." Adrien noted.

"What happened to her after cooking class?" Marinette asked.

As if on cue they heard a scream, and saw Lila run across the street, chased by an army of chimps, sharks and pianos. "Did an Akuma alert go off?" Adrien asked.

"No, no Akuma's today." Kagami said as she checked the Ladyblog.

"Good, then we aren't morally obligated to help her." Marinette said. "Anyone wants a dumpling?"

NOTES

Is it me or does this gets cartoonier with each chapter?

Well it is a crackfic so it evens out I guess.