Song Remains the Same
Chapter 57 / All Led Here
"In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours.
In all the world, there is no love for you like mine."
- Maya Angelou
Chuck penned the following words down thoughtfully:
...A year ago almost to the day, things were very different.
There wasn't a huge gap forced between Alex and Cas, there wasn't a war in Heaven that ripped them apart from each other. Not yet.
Instead there was Castiel, who was all but human at that time. There was Alex, who had spent the past month believing Cas was dead after sacrificing himself to save her.
There was the ever-deepening love affair between them: the fallen angel and the human who found something in each other they'd never known before. There was an apocalypse, there was the idea that the world was going to end in a few days or weeks. There was a general feeling of inescapably hurtling toward a doomed crescendo, toward the end of all things.
People do strange things when they think they don't have a lot of time left. Maybe that's why Cas and Alex did what they did. But really… I think you and I both know there was a lot more to it than an impulse decision or flight of fancy. In a time to come, both would come to second-guess and even at times regret their mutual choice. But that day, they felt nothing but the certainty of love and a deep desperation to hold onto each other.
Maybe it was crazy, maybe it was ill-advised. But in either case a year ago, Castiel—fallen angel of ancient days, and Alex Winchester—flesh and blood human—married in secret. This is how it happened.
The author sat back with a fond smile on his face.
April 29th, 2010
Springfield, Missouri
Rain poured heavily outside. In the back seat of a stolen SUV that was pulled off to the side of an abandoned road, two lovers who had been recently and cruelly divided by fate were finally in each other's arms again. Unable to withstand the distance or desire any longer and having just had a close encounter with death, the two of them flung caution to the wind in favor of having each other once more—they barely managed to get enough clothes off to make it happen in their frantic hurry. It was only their third time being together like that.
They collapsed down together when it was over, him on top of her in the back seat, both of their bodies shaking from what they'd just done. In the moment of climax, she'd gasped his name and then whispered aloud... for the first time ever... that she loved him. Tears had run out of her eyes. And he loved her too.
The angel Castiel, fallen to earth and devoid of his celestial abilities, trembled in the arms of his human lover, unable to do anything but reciprocate readily, his heart full beyond compare. "I love you, Alex Winchester," he confessed in a whisper—helpless to hold back the words that had for so long silently beat to the rhythm of his heart; helpless to do anything but finally tell her what he had been aching to speak aloud for what seemed such a long time. Her face softened, her lips parted slightly and her eyebrows rose fractionally—her eyes, already shining with tears, seemed fuller. He somehow saw his own feelings mirrored back at him wordlessly there—he saw and understood that she loved him too. Incapable of doing anything else, Castiel bent down and kissed the woman he adored, letting his mouth remain soft and chaste on hers. His eyes fell closed at the indescribable sensation of her lips pressed to his, of her fingers gently weaved into his hair. He breathed her in, this resplendent creation of flesh and bone who wrapped him in a warmth like a sunrise.
She seemed holy to him in that moment, divine and hallowed. He touched the side of her face with a soft hand, marvelling in the feeling of her quick pulse beating underneath the warmth of her skin. She was so beautiful, every last atom and molecule, so precious. And he drew back from her as uncomfortable beginnings of guilt began to creep up on him. His proclamation of love felt so hypocritical. Deeply ingrained laws and warnings against sexual sin flashed through his mind. They had copulated three times now, and afterward, each time, guilt predictably swallowed him whole.
Sexual relations between humans and angels were absolutely forbidden. The first time they'd engaged in intercourse, he'd spent hours and hours afterward wondering if he should marry her to make it right and had even asked her what she thought about that. She'd been flabbergasted, then asked if angels even could get married. No, he supposed they couldn't. But now he wasn't even sure if he even were an angel anymore after losing his powers—but he did know that he and Alex weren't man and wife. And if he were indeed a human now or close to being one... well. Of course he was ready to commit himself to her forever in that way.
But Castiel struggled with who he was versus what he was doing. Part of his mind said he should never have gone down this path with her—and the other part insisted there was no other choice. It was magnetism, their bond—and he didn't want to be without it. What happened between them that night at the Vatican had been mere continuation of something that he was still unable and unwilling to stop. It felt so recent to him, this discovery of sexuality with her. To him, that night against the bookshelf had happened only days ago—the coma he'd fallen into had made him miss thirty-eight days. So to him, it felt like it had only been six days since they had first been together. Six days since he'd lost his virginity. He'd been an angel for countless centuries, and for all that time he'd been above reproach. But he'd become destined to be a sinner ever since he'd laid eyes on Alex. She'd inspired rebellion and emotion and desire within him that simply wasn't permitted. It had culminated with their physical union, and he didn't think he could put an end to it. He didn't want to, either.
Still, everything he had ever been taught and conditioned to believe nagged him, trying to convince him that this was wrong at every level. But how could it really be so wrong? Only a moment ago, before it ended in the racing thrill of bursting feelings and absolute pleasure and helpless gasps as he and Alex clung each to the other, he'd felt as though they were wrapped up in something from paradise itself. He'd been connected to and dependent on her completely, she'd been his entirely, and it had been so beautiful, this giving and receiving, this reaching and searching and finding in one another. It had felt right. It had been right… hadn't it? He was confused and upset that yet again, as always, he was reacting so negatively in the aftermath of intimacy. He saw how she was searching his slowly falling face, how she was becoming concerned, how she already knew something was wrong. A little more shame came over him—he never could do anything quite right. He didn't want to disappoint her—she probably found his moral dilemma so tired and insufferable.
Etched into his mind, burned into it, passages of scripture ran together: For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality. If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall make her his wife to atone for the sin he has lodged both against himself and against the woman he has defiled. Because of the temptation to sin, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another. The Word of the Lord.
But did God even care anymore? There wasn't even proof that God wrote those things. A blasphemous thought he never would have allowed himself before.
Filled with a great sadness, the fallen angel's short-lived feelings of bliss were overcome with sensations of failure and emotional disorientation. Cas could no longer look at her. He felt… ashamed. And ashamed that he felt ashamed. He hesitated, then began to move away a bit. He was sorry, he felt confused, he wasn't sure what he was doing. Yes, he loved her—but he felt so unworthy. He used his palms to push himself back and away, then into a sitting position. He awkwardly turned to face away from her and maneuvered himself ungracefully to pull his pants back up. This was very distressing and the silence in the car felt clumsy, awkward. Cas moved slowly as he re-dressed and kept his gaze away from her purposefully—allowing her to keep whatever dignity possible as she put her clothing back to where it had been before he'd almost torn it off of her like some animal.
When he was finished he sat there silently, head bowed down. Cas didn't know what to say or do.
They sat on opposite sides of the car now—him with his hands resting loosely between his knees as he faced forward and finally he risked a sidelong look at her. She was decent again and sat with a leg half tucked underneath herself, facing him at an angle, her arms circling herself just slightly like she was cold. Her hair was tangled and misshapen, her damp shirt was twisted, the strap was still down, leaving a shoulder bare. She looked concerned—her eyebrows working toward each other, eyes filled with apprehensive worry—she was watching him closely, she kept opening her mouth slightly like she was about to say something then she'd shut it, seeming to be left wordless.
His eyes fell away from hers as he became heavy with guilt. "You don't deserve this," he murmured, his torn feelings reflected in his troubled tone. This mess, this wreck of a situation, the baggage he bore and inflicted upon her. He doubted a man—a real human man—would be acting this way. And he was reminded, yet again, that he didn't even know what he was anymore. Man? Angel?
Alex shook her head, inching a little closer, worried. "Deserve what?" she asked, imploring him not to feel the way he did. "Cas, you're perfect to me. I… I love you. What is it?"
Castiel balked slightly at her tender words and the way she said them to him. He looked at her while silently wondering how she could say that he was perfect. He shook his head in denial, his face a mask of torment. "I shouldn't do this to you. I shouldn't keep doing this to you." He clenched his jaw, looking away again and down at one of his knees gravely as verses about abominations and eternal punishments and adultery swarmed his mind. "Sexual relations in the back of a car with an… an angel trying to pass for a man…" Saying it out loud made him even more miserable and he hung his head.
Her eyebrows raised slightly in surprise before moving downward to knit fiercely together. "Cas—no… nothing about what just happened is wrong. We both wanted it, right?"
Cas couldn't lie. "Very much so," he admitted quietly.
Her eyes were dark and full. "Me too." She moved across the space separating them and took hold of one of his hands—an immediately comforting gesture—and he looked at her fully, waiting with bated breath for her to say more. She spoke with a soft and deeply emotional voice. "There's nothing wrong about this, Cas," she said, holding his hand more tightly, trying to convince him. He wanted to be convinced, too. Her other hand raised up and she brushed the backs of her fingers against the side of his face soothingly, chancing a timid little smile. The touch somehow touched his heart itself. "We both wanted it and we… we love each other, right?" A faltering, demure question. He realized she was frightened that he might reject her and that she was making herself vulnerable in these attempts to comfort him.
"Yes," he answered emphatically, his frustrations mounting at the absolutely confounding nature of this dilemma. He couldn't let her think that he didn't love her or didn't desire her, because he did. It was impossible... nothing he did made anything right, he always seemed to make the problem exponentially worse. He didn't think he knew how to explain it to her fully, or how to make her understand his feelings and belief system. She couldn't comprehend how old he was, how different they were, and it made him ache. She was a human. He was not, or at least, he didn't have the human experience. He'd been created in centuries past to be one among thousands of God's instruments, his warriors. Now here he was… put into the body of a man and bereft of all the powers and Grace. Still, he couldn't just cast aside the life and reality he knew, he couldn't erase God's word from his mind. And fumbling, grim, frustrated, Cas attempted to explain why he felt so conflicted about sexual relations. "It's… dishonorable to you. And forbidden. This is wrong of me. I just shouldn't."
His answer seemed to sadden her, but she just curled into him, laying her head in the crook of his neck and circling her arms around his middle the best she could. Her closeness made him weak inside and he didn't even mean to—but he let the lower side of his face rest against the top of her head and again, he ached. She felt so right in his arms. Just the feeling of her there with him soothed him. He never wanted her to leave—this sensation, her weight against him, her head laid trustingly onto him… it was everything. With her, he felt less unsure. With her, he felt belonging.
"It upsets me when you say that it's wrong," Alex told him almost in a whisper, her tone honest and soft and a little forlorn. Her sadness only deepened his. There was a long, tense pause. "We both want it, so why is it wrong?" The very question he was wrestling. He tried to think of how to explain it to her, then realized that he heard the wavering lilt of tearfulness in her voice when she spoke again. "Why do you get upset afterwards each time? Is it something I do?"
She thought this was her fault? Faintly panicked, he tried to come up with some sort of way to comfort her.
However, Alex was looking at him pleadingly and didn't give him the chance. "I just don't want you to feel like that. Like you're doing something wrong to me. You're not."
Cas was confused as to how she could overlook his errors. All he could think of were his many faults and mistakes. "I removed your memory of our first kiss. I lied about it not being me who desired you under Famine's influence. I took… I took your virginity while we were both intoxicated. In the Vatican. Standing up." Quickly becoming utterly depressed by his thoughts, Cas's voice reflected his low feelings. "This entire relationship is forbidden; if it harms your immortal soul in any way..."
"Cas..." she entreated gently, raising his chin by cupping her hand to the side of his face. "Stop." Her features were full of concern and her eyes gently demanded his gaze. "You're new at this. Don't forget that. We're all just figuring it out as we go—you're no exception." The encouragement seemed so logical in the face of Cas's insecurities, and he listened to her covetously as she took her time to explain how she felt. "The first two things... taking my memory and lying. You fixed those mistakes. You told me the truth because you realized it wasn't right to be dishonest. When you did those things, you were only trying to do the right thing. I know you were." Her face softened with a careworn smile. "You always try to do what's right." Her faith in him dwarfed his negative feelings for a moment. "And the Vatican… I wanted that. You know I did. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't change it. Not ever. If I had to go back and choose, just once or a thousand times… my first time would always be with you. And it wouldn't matter where or when or how… just… I would always pick you." His heart felt like it clenched with love to hear her say those things. Her thumb stroked down against his cheek and he saw how sad she was at his distress. "Our first time may not have been perfect, but… it belongs to us. And I don't regret it."
All the things she said touched him deeply, making it difficult to speak with emotion welling up strongly. Alex considered something deeply. "We don't have to have sex, Cas." He was surprised at the care in her face despite a great amount of anxiousness, too. "If it really bothers you that much… I mean, honestly I love being with you like that." A shy little smile passed over her face and she hid it. "But…" she let out a long breath and shrugged sort of forcefully, and he saw she was trying to be brave, somehow. "If it's too much for you, if you really can't take it, then… we don't have to." He was immediately very touched at the offer. "I don't wanna do anything you're not okay with."
As he understood more and more that she was trying to keep his best interests at heart, a powerful feeling blossomed in his chest. "Alex..." he said softly, treasuring the way she loved him, and for the smallest moment he accepted her affections without believing himself unworthy of them. His hand was still on the side of her head and he let his thumb brush against her hair once, softly. He felt his already unfathomably vast love for her overtake him even more. He wondered how such a thing were even possible.
She gave him another brave, small smile through what he clearly saw to be trepidation. "Maybe it'll just take a little while for you to be okay with this," she said, looking at him deeply. "But... I can wait. And I will. And if it never happens again for us… that's okay too."
She was telling the truth and attempting to honor him and his feelings. It left Castiel stricken in a way like never before. He looked at her in the awe of disbelief and thought of how this closeness between them was the result of virtually infinite potentials of outcomes—how in another reality or dimension, this moment and relationship might not exist at all. How intricate and fragile and exceptional their connection was. She was so very wonderful and incomparable. Again, his thumb brushed down across her hair and things he felt escaped out of his mouth into the air. "I find you so very lovely," he told her honestly, letting his adoration form itself into words. "In every last way."
Alex looked down, somewhere between demure and self-conscious at the sudden proclamation. He saw how her soft eyelashes fanned out against her cheeks, how her kiss-moist lips parted and turned upwards slightly. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't resist her. "Your offer of stopping is very thoughtful," he told her slowly, thinking out loud almost. "But… I don't think that it would work." She glanced back at up him with questioning eyes and he swallowed, a little hesitant as he admitted this to her: "I seem unable to stop myself from wanting… the things that I want with you."
Alex's heart clenched in a way that was both delighted and afraid. She heard how forlorn and resigned he was, how weighted down. He sounded guilty and upset, as he did after every time they had sex. She didn't know what else to do or how to fix it, except to give it time and try not to take it personally. She understood as best as possible, as much as she could, that he came from a different world than she did, that this was new to him—even newer than it was to her. Not just sex: emotions, pain, fatigue, hunger… he was feeling all those things, and it was all new to him. Some parts newer than others. She ghosted a hand along the shirt over his chest, pensive. Underneath it, the angry red scar was hidden. It was from where he'd carved the angel sigil into his own flesh a month ago to save her and Adam from Zachariah. He'd almost died because of his actions. He'd spent the month in that coma while she'd believed him to be dead and gone forever. She was so fucking glad to have him back even though it scared her a little that Castiel wasn't what he had been before. He was now a flightless bird—a wingless angel—and he had fallen down to earth, crash-landing here because of her. She wondered if it were her fault that he was powerless now. She wondered if Cas resented the decision at all. She hoped not.
As disconcerting it was for Alex to see Cas clumsily dealing with his growing humanity and fallibility, she wondered: how frightening was it to be Cas right now? He needed her more than he had before, she thought. To be strong, to help him, to be understanding of his conflicted thoughts and feelings. It was scary to live life as a mere human, and who would know that better than Alex? But Castiel wasn't going to live his life alone. She'd already decided that. She craned her neck up and kissed his forehead, trying to tell him, wordlessly, that it was gonna be okay. Somehow, they'd figure it out.
She let the press of her lips linger there then she drew back a little and brushed some hair back from his forehead, studying him gently. He seemed very vulnerable and unsure to her in that moment, like he was asking for guidance or advice, an answer to the dilemma he was faced with. She didn't really know what to tell him—she didn't want him to feel guilty about having sex with her, and she wasn't sure how to help him be all right with it. Maybe he would never be fully okay with them being intimate. She didn't know; but she meant what she said—she'd wait for him to be all right with it, or if he never was… she'd accept it and find a way to take it in stride somehow. What mattered right now was reassuring him the best that she could. "We'll find a way through this, okay?" Her forehead bowed down against his, their noses brushed. "Together." In the secret places inside her mind, she pictured the two of them with graying hair and wrinkles. Together, until the end.
"Together," he repeated softly, letting his fingers move some of her hair to the crook behind her ear. And Alex had no way of knowing it yet, but Castiel was once again thinking of marrying her. Not just to make things right, but also because the thought of being her husband seemed right. But he said nothing of it to her. Not yet. Instead he kept his thoughts inside, pondering them at length.
Lincoln, Nebraska
A couple of hours later Cas and Alex sat on a picnic table side by side. They rested their feet on the bench where you were supposed to sit and they ate generic gas station turkey sandwiches in the shade of a tree. It was midday, the storm had cleared, and some birds had come out, some kids, too—there was a playground nearby. The kind with a slide, monkey bars, swings, a huge metal geo dome for climbing. Those had always been Alex's favorite.
She glanced at her companion, smiling to herself a little. Watching Cas eat was… well, there was no other word for it. It was cute. Even though he looked to be a man approaching forty, even though she knew that he was thousands of years old, he seemed boyish and youthful to her. Sometimes, she suddenly remembered how the face she saw, the eyes she loved… those weren't even really Cas, not truly. And she didn't understand or know how to think about that. Usually, she didn't think about it for long because it bothered her too much to remember Jimmy Novak. Cas had told her a couple months back that Jimmy was essentially dead and gone. And now, with Cas seemingly locked in a human body and not going anywhere, she selfishly wanted that to be true—she wanted Jimmy to be gone forever, because she wanted this to be Cas. Human. Hers. Always.
Alex considered him with relative somberness. Was he human now? He was thirsty, hungry, had pain from his injuries sustained a month ago… but some things still didn't add up. He hadn't needed the bathroom even once since she'd picked him up from the hospital nearly forty-eight hours ago, he didn't sweat like a person should, he seemed just as clean as he always had without need of a shower. It was weird. But she didn't dwell on these things too long. At least he was okay. At least he was there with her.
She still found it so hard to believe he would risk everything for even a small chance to save her. The entire past month he was missing after angel-blasting himself halfway across the country, she and her brothers had assumed he was dead. She'd held onto hope just barely. She'd been lost. The moment she'd heard his voice on the other end of the line when he'd called her from that hospital in Louisiana? She'd been found again.
She didn't want to take him for granted. She never had, but now more than ever she wanted to be close to him and care for him. Funny thing… he was a fierce and devastating warrior, yet he inspired a feeling of protectiveness in her, especially right now. Just yesterday, she'd saved his life from Zachariah. And today, they'd saved each other. The rabid Croat that jumped her and almost killed her still stuck in her mind. Life could end so quickly. And maybe it was about to, she wasn't sure. There was the whole apocalypse thing hanging over their heads and the thought of it had been unbearable for Alex. With Cas back… it wasn't quite as unbearable.
The depth and intensity she loved Cas had a way of startling and mystifying her. It had come from nowhere and felt stronger than anything in existence. She glanced at her companion again, taking in his handsome, thoughtful profile. Emotion swelled in her chest. Had there ever been anyone like him in the history of the world? He felt her gaze and turned, catching her eyes with his. There seemed to be an unspoken understanding between them that today, they weren't enslaved to fate and duty. Today they were just two people, taking what time they could (they'd never had enough, anyway), pretending, at least outwardly, that it was an ordinary and carefree day. Simultaneously, they smiled a little at each other, and Alex let her gaze drop away when she felt shy under his unguarded gaze. She leaned her head onto his shoulder, letting it rest there, wondering what he would do. She smiled a little to herself when she felt how his head leaned toward hers.
Maybe dragging their feet in the middle of the apocalypse crisis was stupid and selfish but… they were doing it anyway. Cas and Alex were on their very slow and unhurried way back to Sioux Falls, where Sam and Bobby would meet them. Dean, currently somewhere in Detroit and after the horsemen Death's ring, would probably get to Bobby's that night, or early tomorrow. The five of them would continue to try and find a way to stop Lucifer, stop the apocalypse, stop the entire world from ending. But for right then, on that day… Alex and Cas were just being together.
Alex wondered if Cas were still internally bashing himself over the sex thing… he'd seemed more reflective than normal for the couple-hour car ride from Springfield to here. He'd remained off in his thoughts. It wasn't like she was issue-free on the matter of sex, either… she felt shy about it still, sort of new at it and clumsy, and scared to get caught (even though she was about to be twenty-eight for crying out loud). She knew had nothing to be ashamed of, but still. Cas's guilt over it was just something they had to work through, wasn't it? With whatever amount of time that was left? She grew a little deflated at the thought of the world ending. It loomed over her no matter how much she tried not to think about it.
She took in a deep breath and focused on here and now, making herself forget the big picture. She took in the park, watched some birds, and thought about how pleasant this was. She glanced sidelong, considering trying something. Then she looped her arm through Cas's and timidly cuddled against it. She felt his hand close over hers gently, felt his fingers interlacing with hers, and she realized she was smiling, completely content despite the circumstances surrounding them. What if every day could be like today?
Today, at the gas station where they'd bought these sandwiches and a bag full of assorted candies and chocolates, she'd made him try some cheap sunglasses on a whim. She'd laughed at him standing there like a telephone pole, arms at his sides, expression blank, with those dumbass flashy sunglasses on. He'd picked up a tabloid magazine and asked who Kristen was and why it was relevant information to the public that there were rumors she cheated on Rob. Alex had told him that was an extremely good question to ask, and she didn't know—but bought the magazine for him to read, because she delighted in seeing how he reacted to things she took for granted. Sure enough, as they sat there eating their sandwiches, he'd paged through and been quite mystified by American celebrity culture. "Why does it matter who 'wore it best'?" Oh, she loved him. Could it always be like this? Cas asking questions that warmed her heart and made her reevaluate things, stop and just see life in different light. She'd been so jaded in the past and never met anyone as innocent in spirit as he was. He had a pure heart. He brought a joy she had never felt before.
Alex lifted her head up off his shoulder and reached beside herself for the oversized gas-station drink they were sharing. Cas had the magazine she'd bought him on his knee, forgotten. Alex peeked down at the pages of the magazine as she took a noisy sip of soda. A woman with honey-colored hair was smiling up from a glossy spread that proclaimed HOW SHE DID IT! in huge pink letters. Alex felt herself making a cynically amused face—she could only guess what inane thing that celebrity had done. "What's that article say?" she asked, morbidly curious.
"'Jennifer Lopez has her best body ever,'" Castiel read aloud uncertainly. He set the magazine down against a knee again, frowning in thought, then looked at her with slight disbelief, like he thought someone was playing a joke on him. "And... people truly care about this matter? I don't understand why it's relevant."
"Me either." Alex admitted with a shrug.
Cas mulled it over. "I think it seems like a very odd thing to read about."
"Same," Alex agreed, then offered the drink his way. "Want more?"
Cas laid the magazine aside and accepted the cup to take a sip. Today was the first time he'd drank through a straw, and earlier, on first attempt, he hadn't been able to figure it out right away. Alex watched him sidelong, proud and smiling.
"Thank you," he said, handing the styrofoam cup back. She took it back and set it down, then leaned her head against his shoulder again. She liked it there beside him.
Alex watched a kid swing on the monkey bars out in the park for a minute. If the world was going to end in a week or two, that kid and everyone else in the park was as good as dead. A sobering thought she didn't want to confront. She let her eyes wander over to the houses that were across the park and set in a row on the quiet street. Her eye caught on a cute little cottage with ivy growing up the front, pale blue shutters, and an oak door. The little yard was lined in neat hedges and a single big oak tree grew in one corner. The house looked like something out of a story or something. Cozy, homey, like what she thought a real home looked like. Instead of thinking about the end of the world, she allowed herself to dream of a future. "I'd live there," she said, volunteering the information without a second thought.
"Pardon?" Cas asked, unsure what she was indicating.
She nodded toward it, then pointed. "That house. I'd live there." Cas didn't follow what she was trying to convey, and Alex sat up, trying to explain. She remembered it in a bittersweet way. "I used to do nothing but imagine, as a kid. All the houses we'd pass and see, in the car… I'd always decide which houses I'd live in or not. I had a pretty good imagination. And I guess maybe I really wanted a home."
Cas was quiet for a moment. "Do you still?"
Alex shrugged, looking at the cute little house a little longer, then back at Cas. "Eh. I've decided that people are home," she told him, resigned to this opinion she'd cultivated. "Not places." Sometimes, yeah, she did want a real home. A place that would stay in one place unchanged. Four walls and a roof she could depend on. A familiar place to land and rest. But the life she lived—home wasn't a place. It was brothers. And now it was Cas too. She looked at him sidelong, squeezed his hand a little, and tightened her fingers through his. He smiled just a little, his eyes softening as they rested on hers.
A kid shrieked loudly as he went down the huge neon orange spiral park slide, distracting the two of them—he'd gone down on his back and backwards. He laughed raucously as his mother scolded him.
"Did you used to play on those contraptions when you were a child?" Cas asked, nodding toward the playground in curiosity.
"Mm, not so much when I was a kid." At the school playground, she'd usually picked a corner of the yard and lurked there picking sticks apart, tracing drawings and often times swear words on the ground. Or she'd put her chin in her hand and let her mind wander to daydreaming as she watched others play. Sometimes she'd done pull-ups on the monkey bars or climbed onto the top of the playground (then quickly gotten in trouble for doing so). Dad hadn't taken them to parks much… after all, according to him, playing was a waste of time. "But Dean and I, Sam sometimes too… we've just gone to parks in the dead of night and acted dumb," she explained, then made a bit of an amused face. "Usually 'cause we were plastered," she said, then clarified in case he didn't know that term. "Drunk, or maybe high." She laughed sort of slyly, thinking of the time Sam smoked too much weed then got his ass stuck in a tunnel slide as he kept saying over and over how he'd just realized he was a person and he couldn't believe it. She and Dean, also stoned out of their minds, had to yank him out of there, laughing the whole time at his high observations. It was a good memory.
Cas's head canted to the side a little bit as he tried to understand what she'd just told him. "And you did this… for enjoyment?"
"Yeah, cuz we're stupid," she said, smiling softly as she thought of the good times in years past. There had been good in all the crap, there really had been. She fixed her attention on Cas curiously. "What's your idea of fun?"
Stumped, Cas faltered. "Uh…" he squinted, maybe wondering if it were a trick question. "I've... never had to think about that before." She gave him a few seconds, wondering if he'd come up with anything at all. He did. He turned to her with a small, hopeful smile on his face. "I always enjoy spending time with you."
She was touched and caught off guard at his words… as usual. "Me too," she told him, voice soft. She leaned onto his shoulder again and moved as close as possible, settling against his arm. Her free hand curved around the crook of his inner elbow. "I'm glad we're together right now," she told him, nestling her head down onto his shoulder a little more. What she'd just said was just the beginning of how she felt, honestly, about how he'd been gone. Just a few years ago she never would have imagined ever loving anyone the way she did Castiel. If she thought about it too much, the intesity of it scared her.
They were quiet together there for a moment, and when Cas finally spoke, he sounded hesitant. Worried, like he was wondering something very strongly, but unsure about hearing the answer. "Dean said… yesterday, we spoke and… he said you didn't do well in my absence."
Alex thought a minute, a little mad at her brother, but also unable to deny it. She hadn't done well when Cas disappeared. "I thought you were dead," she said faintly, upset again just thinking of it. "How would I ever be okay, thinking that?"
Her fingers tightened a little on the arm of his trench coat. And what Castiel said next—in his usual weary thoughtfulness—made her heart feel like it stopped. "I... never want for us to be separated again." Alex sat up, needing to look him in the eye. Did he mean that? It seemed like a huge thing to say. And she couldn't understand how he would really, truly feel that way about her—it hit her like a ton of bricks and it seemed too good to be true. He was looking at her with the utmost earnestness and concern. "You shouldn't feel alone," he said, then looked off across the park, seeming to think of something far away. "I watched you feel that way for so long. You were with your brothers and yet… you seemed alone." He was frowning at his own words, visibly not entirely understanding his thoughts. He looked at her as if for help in processing. "I remember thinking that the first time I saw you."
"The first time you saw me?" she repeated, wanting to hear more, feeling like she was asking to hear a fairy tale. Only, this was her actual life story, the thing she'd constantly wondered and wanted to know more about: Cas, watching over her. "When was that?"
He didn't have to think. He answered immediately. "October eleventh, two-thousand and seven." A soft little smile brightened his eyes, which were far off again, seeing memories in his mind. "You were… sitting off, away from Sam and Dean. Shaking dirt and pebbles out of your boots. I knew you were different than everyone else. Right away. I knew." He looked down, becoming thoughtful and faintly bemused. "I still don't know how I knew that." He his eyes came back to hers again.
Alex felt herself smiling, because the irony wasn't lost on her. "I knew you were different when I first saw you too." Breathy laughter made her shoulders shake a little, cave forward. "Only… I thought you were a super-demon or something." After all, she'd shot at him when she first saw him. She made an overly-dramatic oops face and was surprised when he, too, chuckled—a shyly deep and vibratos and beautiful sound. And him sitting there beside her, hand in hers, eyes crinkled up as they reminisced… she was reminded that he was worlds more human than he'd been before he burned all his angel mojo away to save her. Worlds more human than the first time she'd laid eyes on him. She pulled his hand off the table and to herself, resting their entwined hands on the top of her thigh. "I was so mean to you," she murmured, studying their hands—his tan and big, hers smaller and fairer in comparison; carrying scars from years of hard work and fighting.
Cas contemplated her with gentle eyes. "You didn't know me then." He paused for a long instance. "When… when was it that you changed your mind?" There was this genuine, faltering curiosity in his voice, like he was nervous to put himself out there and ask this. "About what you… felt. About me."
Her eyebrows rose slightly in surprise. He wanted to know when she'd fallen in love with him—the thought melted her insides. It had been a gradual thing, falling in love with him and coming to trust him so deeply. So that's basically what she told him. "Well. There were a lot of moments where I started to love you," she said honestly. However, one moment stuck out in her mind, one moment had taken her past the point of no return with her feelings for him. So, she told him, albeit a little shyly. "But I remember in nineteen-seventy-nine… when you gave me your blade." She held his gaze falteringly—thinking about it made her abruptly and deeply emotional. "I… loved you then. For real. And I knew it." Just like she knew it now. His eyes were unreal blue, full of tender and questioning things when she told him that. Alex couldn't help it, she smiled at him because he was so sweet, he was fierce and awkward and strange and he fit with her. And also, she noticed how some of his hair was sticking up crookedly on the side and to the back. She reached up and patted the flyaway strands back carefully, her heart bursting with warmth and affection.
Cas's gaze was growing intense. "I think I knew all along," he said, pausing her actions because of the way he said the words. "What I felt. About you." He seemed to be mildly frustrated, his eyebrows knitting together. "Feelings… they're strange to me. New. Hard to understand." His eyes came to hers, his features softened. "But with you... I understand things more than anywhere else."
When he said stuff like that, it was hard not to feel like the most lucky girl in all the world. To think that an angel was saying he'd loved her all along, that he understood the world through her, in so many words… it was humbling, a little overwhelming, and she let her hand fall away from his hair, she lessened the intensity of the moment with a lighthearted comment and dip of the head. "Happy to help," she said, and they shared another meaningful gaze before a loud burst of shrieking laughter distracted them.
A group of little kids were rough-housing and play-fighting by the swings, wrestling over ownership of a stick with great amounts of boisterous zeal. A girl with bright red hair suddenly emerged out of the pile of kids, waving the stick and running away as fast as her chunky little legs would carry her. "I'm the king! I'm the kiiiiiing!" she shrieked in delight as the other kids gave chase. All of them were breathless with laughter the entire time.
Cas watched the children with a mixture of curiosity and reserved puzzlement. "I can't imagine what it's like," he said, prompting Alex to look at him in confusion. "To be a child."
A little stilled by his declaration, the soft mournfulness in his voice, Alex didn't know what to say. Somewhere, in a photo album far away, there were photos of Jimmy Novak as a child. But that wasn't Cas, who had existed for inconceivable amounts of time and had, to her understanding, just one day come into existence. Like that. No childhood, no growing up. Just instantly all he was now.
I can't imagine what it's like to be a child. Attempting to make him feel better, or maybe just saying the first thing that came to mind, she shrugged. "Me either." He looked at her oddly, not understanding, and she had to explain herself. Because she did, sadly, mean it. "I mean, I was one, but… I guess I mean… I was never a kid like other kids were." Like those out on the playgrounds. Cheeks blue and sticky from lollipops with moms waiting nearby. Alex's mood was quickly lowering when she thought of how she'd been robbed of a childhood in so many ways. And these kids would be too when the world ended in flames. She tried not to refocus. "We all grew up pretty fast, you know? And he didn't like us to act like babies."
Castiel darkened at the nameless mention of him. "Your father?"
"Right." Alex pulled her hand out of Cas's and leaned over her knees, clasping her hands together, her mood continuing to grow somber. Dad was one of those subjects she just didn't know how to feel about. Cas obviously didn't like her father. But it wasn't that simple. "He wasn't the best dad ever. But he also wasn't the worst. He just… I dunno. Couldn't let his obsession go." It was complicated and she could probably write a book on it, but she didn't really want to talk about John Winchester any more today. So she forced herself to push it aside and she looked at Cas, smiling and signaling that the conversation was changing tides. "Did you like your sandwich?"
Cas understood that the conversation was shifting, but seemed a little hesitant to answer her, confused about why it was being cut short. "Yes, thank you."
Alex reached down and grabbed up the plastic bag of candy she'd plunked between their feet when they first sat down. "So! Candy. Everyone in the world has a favorite candy. So. We just have to figure out yours. What do you think? What looks good?"
Cas looked at all the bright wrappers with mild apprehension. "How am I supposed to choose which I try first?"
She shrugged. "Pick a couple. Doesn't have to be an informed choice. Be random." She helped him be random and grabbed a bar, the first one her hand touched. "Here, this one." She unwrapped it for him, broke a piece off, and handed it over.
"All right," he said, accepting the little morsel and he paused, hesitating, then bit down on it. "Why is it important that I try—oh—" He looked at the remaining bite in his hand, seeming surprised. "This is very good."
Alex grinned at him, taking a bite from piece she'd kept. "Kit Kat," she said through the mouthful. "Classic."
"I like it very much," Cas said, smiling a little and putting the rest in his mouth, then seeing how his fingers had a little melted chocolate on the tips. Alex saw him staring at his newest problem.
"Just lick them," she said, briefly thinking about doing it herself… but Cas stuck them into his mouth and sucked the chocolate off, frowning intensely the entire time, not sure what he was doing. Again, all she could think was the word cute. Adorable.
Alex fished out another candy—Swedish Fish gummies—and opened the bag, shooting him an impish, thoughtful glance. "Hey... so, is this our first date?" she grinned, handing him one gummy candy. "Cuz I'm pretty sure it is." She popped a gummy into her own mouth, chewing it in a very mannerless way. "I'm taking you to an arcade for our next date."
"What would we do there?" he asked, then seemed to notice the taste of the candy in his mouth. "I like this too," he said, nodding his approval of the bright red candy.
"Play games," she answered.
"Like CandyLand," he supposed, mildly excited to discuss something he thought he knew about.
"Oh, no, video games—" Alex corrected, then realized he might not even know what those were. "They're a little different, on screens, you use controllers to move these little characters…?" He seemed very suspicious of this idea and Alex dropped it, a grin spreading across her face. "Although, I might be up for a rematch sometime where CandyLand is concerned." She feigned playful suspicion. "I think you cheated."
Castiel opened his mouth to assure her that she was wrong, but then just before speaking seemed to recognize that her expression, tone of voice, and statement were a joke. He took a second to think it over, a little smile spreading over his face, teeth almost showing. "You're teasing me," he said, but it almost sounded like he liked it.
"Sorry," she apologized, not really sorry. "I just like seeing you smile."
He seemed pleased that she said that, then frowned a little, moved his mouth weirdly, like he was having an issue. "This candy is stuck in my teeth," he said, seeming unsure of what to do.
"Try poking it with your tongue. Like this." She demonstrated, opening her mouth wide and poking her tongue around at her lower teeth, then collapsing into self-conscious laughter when she realized how silly she looked.
Cas was watching her with a soft content expression. "I like seeing you smile."
Alex put the side of her face in her hand and propped her elbow on her leg, looking at him through laughing eyes. "Oh my god, we are the most sappy and awkward couple in the world," she groaned through a crooked, pleasantly embarrassed grin, even as she realized what she'd just called them: Couple. Cas looked like he recognized the significance, too. And just as happiness rose, a darker thought came to her… would they even live long enough to have an anniversary of any kind? That's what couples had, right? Dates, anniversaries… a future to look forward to. But they were smack dab on the edge of the apocalypse. On the edge of the end of everything.
Alex felt herself becoming a little morose at the thought. For a minute, she forgot the candy. She frowned down at her shoes. "Cas?" She was quieter, reflective, unsettled. "Do you really think the world's gonna end in a few weeks?"
He, too, became quiet. Shaking his head shallowly, his expression pinched with deep thought. "The future we saw in twenty-fourteen would indicate otherwise but… at this point, I don't know what to think."
"Me either," she said wearily, glancing at him just in time to see him cringe slightly, like he had a sensation of pain. Alex forgot her other worries momentarily in favor of concern. "You okay?" she asked, straightening a little as she looked at him carefully and quickly, trying to see what was wrong.
"Everything hurts." A simple statement that made her feel so bad for him.
Immediately, she grabbed her ammo bag—which she was carrying around like a purse today. In it, his Lortabs she'd stolen after breaking him out of the hospital. She shook out another pill and handed him the drink. "Sorry Cas, I should have realized. I lost track of time."
"You needn't apologize." Cas swallowed the pill and handed the drink back. "Thank you. For taking care of me." He reached for the bag of sour gummy worms and looked them over with somber studiousness.
"Well, I mean, I owe you, don't I?" Alex asked, trying to sound casual, but actually feeling pretty serious about the sentiment. How could she ever repay the things he'd done for her?
Castiel seemed confused about her question and let the gummy worms go to his lap. "Owe me? For what?"
"Uh… everything? You fixed me." This was one thing she could never get over, ever. Ever. The fact that he'd given her a miracle. A new life. A chance to finally be free from the prison of her mind. He'd given her what she'd dreamed of and hoped for and obsessed over for her entire life: her voice. It was totally overwhelming, what he'd done for her, and her suddenly tremulous voice reflected that feeling. "Every single day I'm… I'm so fucking grateful I can speak," she confessed, and he held her gaze, growing concerned at how upset she sounded. "You don't even know how much it means," she continued, tearing up from not sadness, but happiness and great emotion. "How much you changed. And you didn't have to. You wanted to. I don't… I still don't get it. Why you would do that for me."
His worry faded. He brushed her cheek with two fingers, wiping away the tears there on impulse. Growing a little quieter as his hand fell away, his gaze was open and soft. "I saw that you needed something. And I knew that I could give it."
He transfixed her completely. Confused and in love, she shook her head slowly. "What did I do to deserve this?" she asked barely above a whisper, wanting to know but thinking maybe she never would. "You… you just blow my mind. You can't be real."
Cas's face showed mild confusion even as a little smile spread across his face. A very human expression. "I'm real."
Even though her heart melted and she smiled back, she remembered quickly how what he'd done for her hadn't been without consequence. He had been punished for giving her voice back to her—she'd gathered this over time, but Cas had always refused to tell her the details. "You got in trouble for what you did," she said, feeling bad about it, wondering what had happened to him because of his kind act on her behalf.
He didn't look disturbed. He only looked fondly reminiscent. "It was well worth the trouble, believe me." And she realized he wasn't thinking of the punishment—he was thinking of what he'd given her.
But Alex felt bad. The more she thought about it, the guiltier she felt. The more undeserving. "Seems like everything you do for me just sets you back further and further." He looked at her, not understanding her meaning, waiting for her to explain. Alex tried not to sound too self-pitying. "I mean… what's happened to you now. Being human. Or mostly human."
Cas looked down in soft thought. His expression intrigued her. She wondered what he was pondering, because it seemed as though he were thinking very hard about something important. She looked at his profile, remembering a time that seemed so long ago—he'd come to her in a dream and stood there with her beside a Tilt-A-Whirl and she had barely known him then, but he had intrigued her then almost as much as he did now.
"I was thinking…" he finally said, soft and thoughtful, looking out at the playground, taking his time. Almost speaking to himself, Alex thought. "Maybe it's better this way." What was he talking about? He opened the bag of gummy worms and took one out, looking at it closely. It was neon pink and covered in sugar crystals. "Not entirely desirable, but… it seems appropriate somehow."
Alex watched him put the piece of candy into his mouth. He chewed it slowly, thoughtfully, and the way he still stared off into the distance seemed almost like he were trying to avoid something. "What do you mean?" Alex asked. What was better this way? What was appropriate somehow?
He glanced her way briefly, seeming hesitant and reluctant. "I think I like these best," he said, indicating the bag of candy briefly. Sounding words away. "The gummy worms." Was he… dodging the question? Cas studied the bag frowned thoughtfully. "Strange they'd model this confection after lumbricus terrertris."
"Is that… the Latin name for worm?" Alex asked, a little smile spreading across her face. He was so weird and wonderful. He nodded yes. Alex nodded too, but slowly. "Ah, okay." She studied him closely, trying to see what it was troubling him. "You sure you're okay, Cas? You seem… like something's bothering you. Besides physical pain." He glanced at her guiltily, and she knew she was right. "Tell me," she urged.
He hesitated, looking down at the space between his feet. "I've... been thinking about it all day," he finally said, and she swallowed, nervous about whatever he was about to confess. Her first instinct, even though she knew he loved her, was that he was going to tell her how they couldn't be together. Cas still stared down at his feet. "If I'm going to be a man… not an angel… and if we are going to be… together…" his head came up and he looked at her in the eye with vast uncertainty and hope alike. "Shouldn't we?" She was confused. Shouldn't we what? He clarified his meaning. "Be married?"
Her mouth dropped open in surprise, shock resounded in her veins, she stared at him and blinked three times. "Married?" she repeated—he was bringing it up like they'd discussed it many times over. She almost didn't take him seriously. Not at first.
Showing himself to be surprisingly insightful, Cas spoke to her incredulous reaction. "I've thought about it at length," he said, making her already slack face slacken more. "And I am absolutely sincere."
Alex fumbled, unable to consider it. "Look, I, I know the thought of the world ending is scary but… we can't just run away together."
He was a little bemused at her words. "I'm not asking you to run away," he said slowly, thinking hard. "I just want to do the right thing."
And then, she understood. It clicked into place. "The right thing," she repeated, feeling her shoulders slump. "Because you think this is wrong." It made her sad, it reminded her of how different they were. "Cas, we are not a mistake to be fixed," she implored, wishing he could see that. Wishing he would stop making her suspect that maybe they were. And besides, wasn't he forgetting something? "I mean, the world's about to end, why would it really matter if we were married?"
He wasn't deterred. In fact, he only seemed more quietly certain. "Perhaps because the world's about to end it matters even more."
"Marriage isn't even necessary anymore," she protested, trying to teach him what she knew—which, she realized the more she thought about it was jack squat. She'd never seen married couples up close and personal, she'd never even seen her father with her mother. She'd just seen marriage in books and movies and she loved that crap, but realized it was just that: crap. Real life was never like the books or movies. In her life, relationships never lasted and whatever good things came her way always fell apart. And she didn't want to lose Castiel—she didn't want to jinx the delicate thing they had going. "You can love each other without getting married, I mean, these are modern times," she said. "Marriage is, is ancient, it's—"
"So am I," Castiel cut in, rendering her silent for a moment. He looked weary and his eyes were downcast, his brow furrowed. "I am ancient." Sadness rested in his eyes. "Older than most things you know about or can conceive of. And you're… twenty-seven."
"Almost twenty-eight," Alex said, knowing it made no difference, but trying to inject some humor. What did you say to what he'd just said? Cas was ancient, and sometimes, she felt it more than others. He was from an entirely different world than she was. Maybe he romanticized the idea of marriage. But as much as she loved romance novels and the idea of a happily ever after, she remained jaded. Cynicism had kept her safe a lot of times in the past. "Marriage is just a piece of paper," she said, "It's just a legal thing."
Castiel seemed to contemplate her statement. "Marriage as my father intended it… is an everlasting covenant between two people." He looked off, then recited something that sounded familiar: "'And the two shall become one flesh.'"
Alex thought, trying to place it. "Is that from the Bible?"
"Yes."
Dubious, still pretty sure Cas had no idea what he was asking her or at the very least that he wasn't being realistic, Alex tested him. "And you would want that with me?" She was totally convinced he'd stop, think about it, then realize no.
"Yes," was his immediate, solemn answer. Alex was yet again speechless. Cas looked into middle distance, frowning ever so slightly. "Every passage of scripture is burned into my mind—I'm sinning against you. Or, I feel as though I am." He seemed mildly disappointed in himself, or ashamed. "I know that you don't hold the same convictions as I do. I know that you must be frustrated with my inability to be like you."
Alex rushed to console him. "No, Cas, it's not that." This was hard—communicating was hard. And she was trying her damnedest to figure out why on earth he would feel like marriage could fix things that weren't broken. "I just think you're freaking out about the end of the world and losing your powers and being stuck in a human body," she said. "I get it. This is all new for you."
Cas shook his head. "It's not that." He looked at her directly, stilling her. "Alex. All I know is that if the rest of my life, however long it may be, will be spent as a man… I want to spend it at your side. As your husband." She was speechless, dazed at what he was saying. "Will you let me?" He frowned, squinting in thought. "Should I get down on a knee?"
He moved as if he were going to stand up, and alarm filled Alex. She grabbed his arm, preventing him from getting up. "Wait, whoa, no, don't." He seemed confused at her reaction, but Alex was confused, too—confused and beginning to realize he might actually be for real. "You're really serious about this? I mean, have you thought this through? Is this because you feel guilty about us having sex? 'Cause it kind of seems that way to me."
There was confirmation there in his eyes. "I do feel very guilty for what I've done… what I want to do even now. With you."
She swallowed. What he wanted to do more of. What she wanted to do more of. She struggled to focus. "T-that's not why you're supposed to get married though," she faltered. "You're supposed to get married because you wanna spend the rest of your life with that one person."
His expression suggested he knew that already and that he was surprised she implied that he didn't. "Well yes, of course," he said, straightforward. "That's what I want."
All of her excuses fell away. "It is?" she asked, floored at his declaration.
He studied her for a moment, his eyes carrying memories and great emotion. "Alex… when I was assigned to you, I was bound to you for the rest of your life. And now… I can't imagine this existence without you in it." There was another half-smile. "It seems somehow fitting, doesn't it?" She hung on his every word—he seemed to have really, truly thought about this, and what he was sharing was blowing her away. "I realize now. From the first time I saw you… maybe before that…" he thought hard, trying to find a way to say it. His voice softened, as if he were reverent. "I've belonged at your side. I've belonged to you." He paused again, faltering. "And not because of celestial commandments. Because of... things I don't even know how to describe." She couldn't find words to reply with and he was quiet for a long moment, just holding her gaze.
"Our relationship, as it stood before, when I was an angel... was forbidden in all senses in Heaven and on earth." His mood dipped back down into darker territory. He sighed very softly without opening his mouth. "And now I'm… mere flesh and blood." He sought her gaze again. It almost seemed like he was asking her to let him belong with her here on earth. As a human man. Her human man. Her heart was so full at that moment. "I just… I want to make it right, what's between us, if I can," he said, struggling to explain. "Because of the way I care for you."
She loved him, she adored him, but this was terrifying. "Cas…" she began, trying to think of what to say.
He saw her conflicted expression and his face fell. "You... don't want to." Distinctly wounded and rejected, Cas nodded as if he should have known. Her stomach plummeted.
"No, no, it's not that… it's… I mean, it's not that I don't love you. I do. And I want the same thing, to always be together…" she trailed off, realizing maybe marriage wouldn't help or hurt either way—she already knew no one else would ever do, she couldn't imagine loving anyone else besides him. Still, she resisted the idea out of fear of the unknown. She began to say every single thing that came to mind. He couldn't possibly really want this with her.
"Cas, almost everyone I get close to ends up dying and you're mortal now and… I can't lose you again, and this seems so sudden and not even possible, I mean, we haven't even known each other that long and you don't know enough about me, and how would we even do it? I mean, I don't think I'm the marrying type, I don't understand what marriage even is, or what it looks like in real life, I would be so bad at it…" Her excuses died out as she looked at how steadfast he was. How all the things she said didn't deter him in the least. Unbelievable… she felt her eyebrows raising slowly, because he really meant it. She was beginning to believe him. She was beginning to consider it. "Y-you would really marry me? Just like that?"
He didn't hesitate at all. "Yes. Today. Now. The sooner the better." She swallowed. Wow. He thought deeply, his face assuming the familiar, intensely introspective frown it so often displayed. "Isn't it what people do when they love each other?" He was like an innocent young child in that moment. He glanced at her almost shyly and her heart flip-flopped again. "I've thought about this for some time. Ever since we first… were first together." And she knew he was telling the truth. She recalled how he'd asked if he should marry her the morning after their first time. A sense of dizzying, overwhelmed awe was overcoming her as he continued to explain himself to her. "As I said before. It's not a whimsical suggestion. I'm very serious."
He was. "And you know that marriage is supposed to be, like, final?" she asked, barely able to believe they were actually discussing this. "That's it? No one else?"
"Yes, of course," he replied, then frowned questioningly, tilting his head to the side just slightly. "Who else would there be?"
Alex was having a hard time staying grounded and realistic. Castiel was asking her to marry him—that's it, no one else, marry him. Talk about surreal—and Alex's romance-novel loving side could have just taken the leap, thrown caution to the wind, blindly followed her love-struck little heart down the wedding aisle... but she didn't want to do it for the wrong reasons, or without thinking it through. Forcing herself to be pragmatic, she tried to keep them both focused. "I-I'm not sure," she said, making herself really, really think about all of it. "I… mean, think about it, Cas. It would never be normal for us, like with a, a mortgage, white picket fence, your wife in the kitchen making a pot roast..."
Cas was totally confused about all three things she'd just mentioned. "What do those things mean?"
She faltered, because if that's not what he thought marriage was, what was it? "Those things mean… I dunno, that's just what married people do and have." She paused, realizing she really wasn't the person to ask. "I think." She snuck a peek at him sidelong, her heart beginning to race as she swallowed away a crazy, thrilled curiosity. "Okay, for the sake of argument, say we… did it. Got married. And then if we lived past this apocalypse, and that seems like a pretty big if... what then?"
Cas seemed unsure of how to answer. "More of this?" He gestured to the things scattered around them. "Sandwiches and, candy, and… being together?" He looked at her without reservation or guard. Her excuses were fading away. She could picture those things he'd just said. She could imagine that. Her. Castiel. Food and life and whatever and just being together.
"You make it sound so simple," she reflected softly, wondering if it really could be that way.
"The rest of our lives," Castiel said out loud, sounding as reflective as she felt. "Together." He looked at her with faint hopefulness. "That is simple, isn't it?"
When he put it like that she agreed and it made her stomach turn loops. That was simple. Thrilling. The rest of their lives, however long that might be… together. She already wanted that. Maybe, she thought, maybe marriage was what you decided it should be. Maybe if she and Cas took that plunge together, it would be like the rest of their relationship had always been. Strange, a little quirky, but theirs. And because of that simple fact, perfect.
Warming to the idea, still, she found herself realizing there were roadblocks. "But, but even if we wanted to…" she said, "you're not a citizen, you don't have any ID, I'm wanted, it wouldn't be legal even if we got married somehow…" She guessed they could do a commitment ceremony somewhere, but was that the same thing? Didn't it have to be legal to be authentic? She looked at Cas, conflicted. "It wouldn't be real, would it?"
Cas surprised her with his answer. "It would be between us. Isn't that real enough?"
He was completely entrancing her with this crazy, beautiful idea and it was making breathing difficult. But then a sudden thought came, punching a hole in the elation. "My brothers though…" Alex said, realizing how complicated this would be. How big of a potential problem. "Dean would not go for this."
Cas considered with mild sadness. "I think you're right," he said. "But shouldn't it be your decision? Not Dean's?"
As big a part of her life as Dean always had been, Alex knew that when it came down to the wire, her big brother wasn't going to make any of these decisions for her. But it hurt, because he was so against Castiel and Alex couldn't fully understand why. "Yeah. It's just, I can usually trust his judgement so well. But when it comes to us… he's kind of an idiot." It made her so very sad. "I'd want them there for it. But I mean, I guess that's not really an option, is it." She looked down, thinking of how it would create so much drama if they actually did it and Dean found out. Sam would be cool, Alex knew he would—but Dean? He'd probably hit the roof.
"We could tell them after all of this," Castiel said, referring to the apocalypse. He paused heavily. "If there is an after."
Truthfully, Alex didn't think there would be an after. Which made her consider Cas's proposal even more. "This is crazy..." she murmured, looking out at the park in front of them, trying to get this through her head. Cas wanting to elope. She looked at him again. "Isn't it? Crazy?"
He was nonplussed, considering her question, then shaking his head slowly. "I don't think so."
Maybe she was just crazy. Because Alex was actually thinking about it, was thisclose to throwing caution to the wind and marrying the angel she'd fallen in love with, come what may. Because somehow in this crazy fucked up world she'd found what felt like the missing piece: the one she loved and connected to without trying, the one who comforted her with a single touch, the one who made her believe in love stories and had given her one of her own. He'd appeared out of nowhere and they'd collided into each other, and nothing had ever been the same again for either of them. With Cas, life was richer, deeper, more meaningful. Realer. With him, everything felt right, like this was the way it had always been meant to be. And above all else… she trusted him. Anyone else, she'd never even think about marrying. Him, she could let herself say yes. But she needed to hear one thing, she needed to know it again. "Tell me you love me," she asked him softly.
A little puzzled at her abrupt words, Cas's head again tilted to the side as he looked at her. Really looked at her. "I do," he said. Everything about him seemed to soften toward her, reach out to her, reassure her. "I love you."
Hearing his voice wrap around those three words with such tenderness, her throat closed slightly as emotion rose. Her voice softened to a near-whisper. "For how long?"
He seemed perplexed, as if she should already know, as if there couldn't be any other answer than the one he gave: "Forever."
Her eyes were full with tears that she didn't even understand. Happy? Sad? Scared? She didn't know, because she felt all of those things. "You promise?" she asked, still not completely sure about her answer.
He paused, then a little stilted and awkward, he leaned closer, putting his hand on top of where hers rested between them. She realized he was attempting to initiate a kiss, but feeling timid about it. She was compelled forward to receive what he was offering, and there they shared a sweet, soft, slow kiss. The comfort of his familiar, tender touch washed warmth over her and neither of them hurried to pull away. His fingers laced through hers and she tightened her grip just a little, feeling his other hand gently coming to cradle the side of her head. When they slowly drifted apart from the kiss, Castiel didn't go far away and didn't stop touching her face. Just studied her gently as he gave her his answer: "I promise."
There was nothing but reassurance resting there in the cobalt depths that gazed back at her. He'd always looked at her in a way no one else had ever had, and she loved those eyes and the way they saw the world, she loved who they belonged to. He'd seen all of creation and wonders she couldn't even imagine, yet he looked at her like she was the greatest and most beautiful thing he'd ever beheld in his whole life. It was impossible to completely put her finger on what Cas was, who he was, but her mind tried: He was the tan coat and the blue eyes and the dark hair, the half smiles and the inability to get pop culture references, the fierce protectiveness, the gentle attentiveness. But there was so much more, there was something else, something more than she could understand. He was light and power and ancient days, he was above her and beyond her... yet she knew whatever she asked of him, he'd willingly give. She wondered how he could look at her like she was his world, like she was different, like she was the one exception to every rule he'd ever had. It amazed her and frightened her. It humbled her. It thrilled her. He wanted to devote the rest of his days to her and call it marriage. He wanted to be hers. And she wanted to be his. She wanted to take the leap, knowing he'd catch her. End of the world be damned… consequences be damned. None of it mattered.
Alex was given over to terrifying, breathless courage. "Ask me again," she said, as if in a dream, never looking away from his eyes for even a second.
He visibly recognized the significance of the moment. Cas faltered, nervous about what her answer would be. "Will you?"
She felt herself drawing a deep, amazed breath into her lungs. "Yes."
There it was. Just like that, one word. But it changed their lives forever and they both knew it. Cas's face was soft with a dumbstruck quality and Alex felt similarly stunned, amazed, scared and excited all at once.
"You will?" he asked, as if he couldn't believe it.
A smile, teeth, dimples, and all was beginning to dawn across her face. "Yeah," she reiterated. Cas looked back at her, a disbelieving smile widening across his face.
Deep in the throes of writing, Chuck's fingers flew over his typewriter:
If you happened to at Ballard Park at approximately 12:47pm on April 29th, 2010, you might have glimpsed a man in a tan trench coat sitting next to a woman in jeans on a picnic table. You might have seen her tell him "yes" about something and then seen the two of them look at each other with wordlessly breathy smiles before hugging tightly. You might have noticed how the man held this girl like she were the most precious thing he had ever touched. You might notice how the young woman seemed to implicitly trust and adore this man by the way she rested her head in the crook of his neck, by the way she let her eyes fall closed as she breathed him in.
You wouldn't know that you had just seen the guardian angel Castiel, the one all of Heaven still tells stories about because of his great love for the human currently in his arms. You wouldn't know the woman in his embrace was the savior of all mankind. How could you have known that? To you, they would appear to just be an offbeat couple in love, sharing a cheap gas station lunch. When in reality, the legacy unfolding there in that park that day was one that changed the entire future of planet earth and beyond.
With a soft sigh of nostalgia, Chuck ceased writing for a moment to sit back in his chair. He always felt strange about self-insertion when it came to writing but in the interest of honoring the truth of what happened... he returned to the keys to add another sentence. A reminiscing smile played on his careworn features.
Only one other person was present when they said their vows... and, well—that person was me.